By admin 
The first of the Four Horsemen, and likely the most common, is criticism. It is a natural human behavior for people to seek an explanation for their negative feelings and, over time, people can develop a negative habit of mind to search for why they feel so bad. They scan their environment for other people’s transgressions and mistakes to account for their own annoyances or disappointments.
Sometimes, people keep track of their partner’s mistakes but don’t say anything so they can avoid conflict, but that really causes them to bottle up anger or frustration until it turns into resentment. Then they search for underlying patterns in their partner’s mistakes and come up with an explanation that erupts as a “you” statement of blame:
You’re always talking about yourself! You never care about what I have to say!
That, right there, is criticism, which is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. Complaints center on specific issues, but criticism is an ad hominem attack on your partner’s character. In effect, you are criticizing not a specific action or behavior, but your partner as a whole person. And words like always and never imply that the other person has a consistent and negative personality flaw.
Criticism can have devastating effects because it makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt. It often causes the couple to fall into an escalating pattern where criticism reappears with greater frequency and intensity. However, a complaint addresses a specific behavior or action, and it doesn’t carry the negative charge of criticism because it doesn’t blame and, instead, expresses a need:
“We’ve talked a lot about your day. I need to vent, so could we talk about mine?”
How to avoid or counteract criticism? Use a gentle start-up!
If you are unhappy with something in your relationship, by all means, express it, but instead of attacking with criticism, you can use a gentle start-up, our recommended approach that makes a straightforward comment about a concern and expresses a need in a positive fashion. For example, here is a common criticism:
“You said you’d wash the dishes, but there’s still a pile in the sink. You never do what you say you will.”
Here is a gentle start-up, which is the opposite of criticism:
“There’s still some dirty dishes in the sink. I need you to clean them up, please.”
In other words, the antidote to criticism is to complain without blame, which is the point of a gentle start-up. Talk about your feelings by using “I” statements and expressing a positive need. Avoid using “you” statements and expressing a negative judgment, which will make your partner feel attacked. Here is an example of criticism that uses a “you” statement that criticizes with a negative judgment:
“Come on, we’re going to be late! Are you just being slow on purpose?”
And here is a gentle start-up that does not blame or criticize and makes this partner’s needs clear:
“Hey, we’re running late. It’s really important to me that we get there on time.”
The next time you need to address a problem and assert your needs, formulate your gentle start-up, or your complaint without blame, by thinking of these two questions before you approach your partner:
What do emotions do I feel?
What do I need from my partner in this situation?