By admin 
They’re on your side! And they can’t WAIT to tell you what happened!!
Q
Hi! Long time reader, first time writer here. I’m a 28 year old trans guy relatively new in my transition. I have a lovely, supportive group of friends who adore me and have made this transition easier on me. But sometimes… I think they may be inadvertently showing poor allyship when they aren’t intending to. Let me explain. We’re all a part of a larger community with some straight and cis people of all different ages and backgrounds. We’ve been a part of this community since before my transition, so a lot of the people we interact with knew me by a different name and pronouns previously. Now, if any of these people outside of my close friend group deadname me or use the wrong pronouns, my friends happily correct them. Here’s the catch – they then tell me about it. To me, this is not information I need to have. I’m aware that people will misgender me and I’ve accepted that, but I deal with it enough in front of my own face that I don’t need to also know when it’s happening behind my back. I get their intentions behind letting me know, whether it’s to affirm their allyship or keep me in the know, but I just don’t think I need to hear it. What’s the best way to go about letting them know they can keep it to themselves while also showing my appreciation for their allyship? I don’t want it to feel like I’m punishing them.
A
Valerie Anne: I think this solution is the most straightforward but also probably the most nerve-wracking: tell them plainly. I think the best way to do this and avoid feeling like you’re “punishing” them is to make the reason more about you than them. I think it can be as simple as, “Hey thank you for correcting people when they misgender me, I really appreciate it, but I actually would prefer it if you didn’t tell me about every time it happened.” You can even say what you said here, that you encounter it enough face-to-face and would rather not know about the times it happens behind your back. If they’re a true friend and ally (which it sounds like they are!!) they will understand and adapt. Even though it would be nice if they understood how this feels performative and that the reason they’re telling you is for the pat on the back and it doesn’t actually serve you at all, people can get defensive so I understand your desire to keep it more about you and your feelings than risking making them feel attacked, even though it would be perfectly reasonable if you did want to explain that. And depending on how the conversation goes, and how willing you think they would be to hear that, maybe it could go there! But I do think just asking plainly is your best bet here either way.
Summer: If your friends are good and trustworthy, this is the kind of thing you can just mention the next time they tell you a story about someone misgendering you. Something simple and polite like, “Thanks a lot for doing that for me. I don’t know if I need to hear every single instance because it can be a little stressful in the middle of the transition stuff to hear about others misgendering me. But I appreciate what you’re doing a lot.”
Compliment sandwich it. Put the bad news in between two slices of good news. If they’re on your team, they’ll understand. If they can’t handle a simple interaction like that without an emotional incident, then you’ve got another problem on your ass. Good friends take feedback and are willing to do the small things that make each other feel good.
Nico: I don’t know if they’re telling you in person or over text, but either way, I would just write a stock little script for yourself now so that you can use it later. Create the compliment sandwich, be frank about how you don’t want to hear about being misgendered but appreciate their correcting folks, and then just have that on-hand, and immediately whip it out when a friend does this again. Dealing with it as it comes up is probably preferable to preempting it, which is a little more discomfort for you, but if you feel the need to say this now or ahead of time, that is also a valid choice – it just may result in you feeling like you need to do a little more emotional labor than probably feels fair if your friends get upset.
In which we validate the hell out of your super rational fear of traveling internationally in These Trying Times.
Q
My family has been planning this cruise trip for about a year, but I’m trans and I have started feeling really worried about going. I have a thick skin, I’m not worried about getting misgendered, I can handle that. But I got my new passport last week and yes it does say my gender assigned at birth (male) now. I feel really scared about getting on and off a boat in multiple different countries. Sometimes I feel scared I’ll end up somehow not allowed back into this country, even though I know that is irrational. But I’ve been looking forward to this trip for so long. I love my family. I don’t want to miss the trip. But it feels insane to ask my family to cancel or reschedule it to be a different trip. Or to go on the trip but not get off the boat when we stop in other countries, which is always an option. I haven’t talked to my parents yet, but I talked to one of my sisters and she said I shouldn’t worry because she and the rest of my family has my back and will protect me and stick up for me. Am I being a baby to still be worried?
A
Summer: You’re not a baby for being worried about personal security in multiple different countries. Cruise ship stops aren’t always the most trans-friendly places and having valid paperwork is fundamentally valuable to travel as a trans person.
That said, you must voice your concerns to your family. If this is a jointly planned cruise between family members with even decent relations, they should be willing to hear you out. This isn’t a minor logistical hiccup or a matter of itinerary. You’re concerned about personal security in a sociopolitical era that is profoundly hostile to us trans peeps. This administration’s track record of handling citizens overseas, much less trans citizens has been disastrous. You cannot presume that the US embassy or something will have your back if there’s a problem. Your family may have your back morally, but if things get physical or start involving state actors, you will be stranded. This is a critical issue that bears serious discussion. The fact that your sister thinks that ‘sticking up’ for you will be adequate protection against foreign law enforcement is evidence of how little you’re being understood.
Nico: I’m with Summer here. If you’re dealing with a government and things go awry, “sticking up for you” or “having your back” is not going to cut it. You’re not being a baby, but your trip is also not necessarily out the window. I recommend that you:
- Get an itinerary of all the countries the cruise will be stopping at together,
- Research the policies each of these countries has regarding trans people visiting, people with US passports visiting, and also looking for recent personal experiences from other trans people who’ve traveled to these countries,
- Talk to your family and have a serious discussion where you outline your concerns in which you can bring specific concerns about specific countries up, and that you
- Call the cruise line and speaking to a representative about their policies regarding trans passengers and international borders, the kinds of support they can offer at port stops (if any), and what you can expect from the crew while on board and traveling with them.
You might find out that things should be fine, or you might find out that there are certain ports where you will want to stay on the boat, or that you don’t feel comfortable going. Overall, I do think your family should be taking your concerns more seriously, and I hope that they’ll hear you out.
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