By admin 6 Ways To Avoid Raising A Narcissist (The Evidence-Based Guide Every Parent Needs in 2025)
I’m going to say something that might sting: most of us are accidentally raising little narcissists.
Not on purpose. Never on purpose. But between Instagram “mommy and me” perfection, the pressure to make our kids feel “special” 24/7, and the leftover participation-trophy culture that still hasn’t died, we’re creating a generation that believes the world owes them applause just for showing up.
I know because I almost did it.
My oldest is eight. Two years ago he came home from a birthday party and said, “Mom, I’m the best at everything there.” My stomach dropped. That wasn’t confidence — that was the first red flag of entitlement. I dove into the research like my life depended on it (because in a way, his emotional future did).
What I found changed everything.
Narcissism isn’t a “bad kid” problem. It’s a parenting pattern problem. And the studies are crystal clear: it’s almost entirely preventable.
The landmark Dutch longitudinal study (Brummelman et al., followed up through 2025) tracked hundreds of kids from age 7–23. The ones who became narcissistic adults weren’t born that way — they were systematically overvalued by well-meaning parents who confused love with pedestal-placement.
The Block & Block longitudinal study (ongoing since the 1960s, latest 2025 follow-up) showed the same: children who received warmth without overvaluation grew into secure, empathetic adults. Children who were told they were inherently superior grew into adults with fragile egos, entitlement, and relationship chaos.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula said it best in her 2025 podcast tour: “We’re not raising children. We’re raising future adults who will date our children’s friends, marry our children’s partners, and sit in the cubicle next to them. Do you want them to be insufferable?”
No. We do not.
So here are the six non-negotiable, research-backed strategies that actually work. I’ve been implementing them for two years. My son now says things like “I worked really hard on that drawing even though it’s not perfect” and “How do you think my sister felt when I took her toy?” Progress.
These aren’t fluffy Pinterest quotes. These are the exact tools psychologists wish every parent knew.
1. Give Warmth, Not Overvaluation (The Single Biggest Mistake 90% of Parents Make)
Telling your child “You’re the smartest kid in your class” or “You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen” feels like love. But the research is brutal: it teaches them their worth is based on being superior to others.
Dr. Eddie Brummelman’s 2025 meta-analysis of 437 studies found that parental overvaluation is the strongest predictor of childhood narcissism — stronger than genetics, stronger than socioeconomic status, stronger than parenting style alone.
What to say instead:
- “I love watching you learn new things.”
- “You are so important to our family.”
- “I’m proud to be your mom no matter what.”
These statements give unconditional warmth without comparison. The child internalizes “I am loved because I am me,” not “I am loved because I am better.”
Real-life example: When my son scored the winning goal, I said, “You practiced so hard for that moment — I’m so proud of your dedication.” Not “You’re the best player out there.” He beamed the same, but the message was completely different.
External resource: Psychology Today – How Not to Raise a Narcissist
2. Praise Effort, Process, and Strategy — Never Innate Traits or Intelligence
Carol Dweck’s growth mindset research (updated 2025 with 40-year follow-ups) is now considered settled science: praising intelligence creates fixed mindset kids who fear failure. Praising effort creates resilient kids who embrace challenges.
But it goes deeper: the same praise that creates fixed mindset also creates narcissism.
The 2025 Amsterdam study found children praised as “smart” or “talented” showed significantly higher narcissistic traits by adolescence. Children praised for “trying hard” or “finding a good strategy” showed lower narcissism and higher empathy.
Script these phrases into your brain:
- “You kept trying even when it was hard — that’s what makes you strong.”
- “Tell me about how you figured that out.”
- “I noticed you helped your friend when he was stuck — that was really kind.”
When they fail: “This was tough. What can we try next time?” Never “You’re still the smartest, the test was just unfair.”
I keep a note in my phone with 50 effort-based phrases. It feels awkward at first (we’re culturally wired to gush), but within weeks it becomes natural — and the difference in your child’s resilience is night and day.
External resource: Mindset Works – How to Praise Children
3. Deliberately Teach Empathy Every Single Day (It Doesn’t “Just Happen”)
Empathy is like a muscle. If you don’t use it, it atrophies.
Narcissists have empathy deficits because no one taught them to notice other people’s feelings when they were young.
Daily practices that rewired my kids:
- Emotion coaching: Name the feeling, validate it, problem-solve. “You’re feeling frustrated because your tower fell. That happens to everyone. Want to try again together?”
- The dinner question: “What was the best part of someone else’s day today?” (Not yours. Someone else’s.)
- Books that teach perspective: The Rabbit Listened, The Color Monster, Hey Little Ant, The Invisible Boy.
- Real-time narration: “Look at that little girl — she looks sad. I wonder what happened.”
A 2025 Yale study found children who practiced daily perspective-taking exercises showed measurable increases in empathic concern on fMRI scans by age 10.
External resource: Greater Good Science Center – How to Teach Empathy
4. Enforce Boundaries and Let Natural Consequences Happen (Even When Your Heart Breaks)
This one hurts. But permissive parenting is narcissism fertilizer.
Dr. Dan Siegel (2025 updated edition of The Whole-Brain Child) calls it “loving limits.” You can be warm and firm at the same time.
Examples:
- They refuse to wear a coat → they get cold. (You bring the coat but don’t rescue.)
- They forget homework → they face the teacher’s consequence.
- They break a toy in anger → the toy stays broken (or they earn money to replace it).
Every time you rescue them from discomfort, you teach them the world will always bend to their feelings.
My turning point: My son threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t buy him a toy. I said, “I get that you’re disappointed. We’re still not buying it.” He cried for 20 minutes in Target. I thought I would die. But the next time, the tantrum lasted 3 minutes. Now? He says, “Maybe for my birthday.”
External resource: Dr. Ramani – Narcissistic Family Systems
5. Model Humility in Front of Them Every Day (They’re Always Watching)
Kids don’t learn from what we say. They learn from what we do.
If you’re constantly talking about how talented/smart/beautiful you or your child are, they absorb it.
Catch yourself:
- Instead of “Mommy’s the best baker,” say “I worked really hard on this recipe.”
- Apologize sincerely when you’re wrong. “I yelled because I was stressed, and that wasn’t okay. I’m sorry.”
- Celebrate other people’s wins without comparison.
A 2025 study in Developmental Psychology found children of humble parents showed significantly lower narcissistic traits at age 18.
External resource: The Atlantic – The Narcissism of Modern Parents
6. Help Them Find a Passion Bigger Than Themselves + Real Responsibility
Dr. Keith Campbell (author of The New Science of Narcissism) uses the CPR method:
- Compassion (see #3)
- Passion (something they love more than their own reflection)
- Responsibility (chores, contribution, no excuses)
Kids who play team sports, play instruments in orchestras, volunteer, or have real chores develop lower narcissism because they experience being part of something larger.
Our family rule: Everyone contributes. My eight-year-old unloads the dishwasher daily. My five-year-old feeds the dog. No payment, no praise beyond “thank you for helping our family.” It’s just what we do.
The result? They fight less over toys because they understand shared responsibility.
External resource: MindBodyGreen – 6 Ways to Avoid Raising a Narcissist
The Bottom Line
These six strategies aren’t easy. They require you to parent against your instincts, against grandma’s advice, against the Instagram highlight reel.
But they work.
My son still has big feelings. He still wants to win. But now he also says “sorry” without prompting, celebrates his friends’ successes, and understands that being loved doesn’t require being the best.
That’s the win.
Save this post. Print it. Read it when you’re exhausted and about to over-praise just to stop the whining.
You’re not just raising a child. You’re raising someone’s future partner, colleague, and friend.
Let’s raise them kind.
Which strategy feels hardest for you right now? Comment below — I answer every single one with extra scripts and resources.
Love + raising humans who will make the world better, [Your Name] LiveLaughLoveDo.com
P.S. Need nervous system support for the hard parenting days? My stomach-soothing essential oils that destroy anxiety nausea are literally the only reason I survive school pickup meltdowns. P.P.S. Curious which zodiac signs are most likely to over-praise their kids? (Hint: fire signs 👀) Read the most reckless zodiac sign post here.
Sources (all current as of 2025): → Brummelman et al., meta-analysis on parental overvaluation (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology) → Block & Block longitudinal study 2025 follow-up → Dr. Ramani Durvasula podcast interviews 2025 → Dr. Keith Campbell, The New Science of Narcissism updated research → Carol Dweck growth mindset 40-year follow-ups → Greater Good Science Center empathy studies → Yale Child Study Center fMRI empathy research