How to Put Love First When It’s Hard: Practical Tips for Stronger Relationships

We don’t typically think of prayer as a way to show a person that we appreciate them, but here’s the thing: prayer changes everything, especially our relationships. Prayer is our connection to the God who is love, the God who shows us what it means to love our spouse unconditionally. When you stay in tune with Him and bring to mind all the reasons you’re grateful God blessed you with your spouse, that heart of thanks will naturally guide how you interact with your partner. 

Note: it’s important to be specific here. Don’t simply breeze through a “Thanks for my spouse, God,” prayer. Thank God that he brought this person to you when you doubted you would ever find someone, when you were betrayed by another, or when you felt as though no one saw you for who you truly were. Thank God for their patience, hard work, loving nature, respect for your family, love of your dreams, etc. When you speak what you’re grateful for, specifically to God, it transforms your heart. 

Though your spouse might not hear this thank you prayer, they will feel it in the way you allow your conversations with God to soften your heart toward them. 

Related Resource: 3 Simple Ways to Feed Your Spouse More Praise

How often do you intentionally stop to praise your spouse? To recognize and affirm their character or actions? Many of us probably cringe at answering these questions because we know we could do better! If you struggle to feed your spouse praise regularly, this episode is for you. Listen in as we share some practical steps we all can take to criticize less and affirm and build up our spouse more. If this episode helps your marriage, be sure to subscribe to Team Us on Apple or Spotify so you never miss an episode.

Will Our Kids Have a Better Life in the Suburbs Than In Brooklyn?

Q

Since having our second kid, living in brooklyn has become so expensive and cramped, but we have so many friends here, I love the access to arts and culture and everything city life brings. My wife wants to move either to where my parents live or where her parents live (both are suburbs in the midwest) so we can have childcare help, cos all our parents are retired. also she wants to buy a house that is big enough for them to have separate bedrooms, in a neighborhood where kids play on the street.

I understand this financially because we don’t have much savings at this point due to COL, but it breaks my heart to think about taking our kids away from all this culture and from all of our friends, and their friends, to places I’m frankly not wild about, that will have less queer people than Brooklyn, which is so queer-normative. But maybe I’m just holding onto my youth. Thoughts on leaving the city for the suburbs? recently disclosed to my best friend that I watch straight porn and she was massively icked out and now I feel gross and sad. We were having an intimate conversation about porn preferences and I told her something I’ve never told anyone else: that even though I’m a lesbian I watch and get off to stereotypical straight porn sometimes that has certain power dynamics. She literally recoiled and then tried to insinuate this is like rooted in trauma or something fucked up from my past, that it’s not normal for lesbians to watch only straight porn. I felt judged and insecure and tried to walk it back. I feel like she’s questioning my lesbianism. We became best friends in the first place because we were the first lesbians each other knew. It’s why I felt safe telling her.

A:

Valerie: Is there a way you could compromise, if you’re not willing to move to the midwest? Move to a suburb just outside the city, close enough for easy day trips and visiting friends, but not as expensive or close quarters as Brooklyn? I know that wouldn’t bring you closer to your parents, but it might check the rest of your boxes. I’ve lived in NYC for the past 15+ years and I can’t imagine moving too far away from it. I know the temptation of moving close to free childcare is real, and having your kids be able to spend more time with their grandparents, but if YOU are going to be miserable there, that won’t be good for you, your relationship, or the kids. There has to be a better solution where you can all be happy.

Summer: Thinking about uprooting is never easy. I know you don’t want to leave the queer arts and culture scene in Brooklyn. It’s reasonable to feel that. But how does the financial stress and childcare stress weigh against the quality-of-life for you and your family? Your kids won’t be permanently exposed to arts and culture while they’re in Brooklyn. Especially in their earliest years. But they will be exposed to their parents’ financial and interpersonal stress the whole time. And the cramped space is equally permanent. Brooklyn arts and culture is something that only starts paying off for your children in the long-to-lifetime run. Improved childcare, space, and less stressed parents are relevant every single day of their lives.

That’s not to exclude the possibility that you’ll be more stressed if you move away. Moving is one of the most stressful activities people regularly undertake. And it’s always a compromise between a fixed reality and a potential future. This decision is too big for me to call for either side. But I think it’d be helpful to consider what a successful move could do for your family’s collective well-being, not just what you’re losing by leaving Brooklyn.

Ashni: As a Brooklyn resident, I gotta say, I’m firmly on your side. I love living in Brooklyn. Everyone is gay when I walk down the street! Yesterday, I saw an ad looking for polycules to be interviewed for a documentary. But the high cost of living is real, and it’s only getting worse (fingers crossed Mamdani can help us). I really think y’all should weigh the things you’d gain from moving to the Midwest ‘burbs (free childcare, lower cost of living) against the things you’d lose (the Brooklyn Public Library, Prospect Park, The Lesbian Herstory Archives, art galleries, and most importantly, the community that you’ve built). To Valerie’s point, is there a way that you can have most of the things you’re looking for? There are pockets of the Hudson Valley and North Jersey that are fairly accessible by train, that would give you access to all the things in the city that you care about, but where you might be able to find a home with a little more room. Also, the Hudson Valley is gay and artsy as hell. I feel like it’s every other city dyke’s dream to buy a fixer-upper upstate. If you’d rather stay a city resident, there must be pockets of other boroughs where you could find slightly more room for what you’re paying? I don’t see a way out of the free childcare, unfortunately, but I do know that some gyms offer free childcare for like, an hour or two, and maybe being out of the city will give you cheaper childcare options.

Sa’iyda: As a fellow parent (and a native New Yorker), I get both sides of this dilemma! It’s very hard to want to leave NYC for all of the reasons you mentioned. It’s a great place culturally to raise a kid and be a queer family. But holy shit is it expensive! I left NYC in 2017 because it was getting wildly out of my price range (granted I moved to LA, but I digress.) There are so many times I miss New York, but the main reason? Access to free childcare.

Being a parent is very expensive! I don’t know how old your kids are, but I know daycare is extremely expensive and eats up most families’ budgets. And babysitters are also incredibly expensive. So even a date night will cost you hundreds of dollars for a few hours of fun. It’s really upsetting.

I don’t know where in the Midwest your families live, but pretty much every major city has culture. Tours of Broadway shows go almost everywhere nowadays, and will be much cheaper than seeing the show in NYC with the same caliber of talent. There are museums and botanical gardens and zoos and historical sites all over. And there are queer parents everywhere too. They may take a little more time to find, but I promise they’re there. I think if moving will improve the quality of life for your kids (and access to their grandparents if you have good relationships with your parents is definitely a bonus), you should seriously consider it. Also, did I mention how expensive childcare is?

Nico: I know you’re thinking of your parents as support, but what about the support — emotional and otherwise — that you receive from your friends, that and all the other benefits of being near your queer buds. As others have pointed out, you need to deeply consider whether a move to the midwest will affect your happiness and well-being such that it affects not just you, but your kids, your partnership, everything. There’s more to life than a bigger house, and plenty of people were raised sharing bedrooms and turned out no more or less fine than those who had their own.

And you’re right that you’re currently in a queer-normative spot, and even moving a little further outside of the city would still keep you within a pretty queer-friendly radius. It’s not going to be that way in the midwest, so something I think you should also really consider is what life would be like for your kids growing up with queer parents in a more conservative area with fewer fellow queer people and queer parents around. Is there a chance that they won’t feel as comfortable or as welcome? How does that measure up against “playing in the street”? You don’t say how old your kids are, but, another thing to consider is whether any of your kids are queer or trans or might be. If you think that might be the case, to be honest, with the disparity in access to care and services — and the downright persecution of parents of queer/trans kids in some areas — it might be better to stay put in New York State.

With all this, there are schools to consider, too. Your or your wife’s parents could live in an amazing school district — I don’t have access to this info — but it might also be a school district where, like all schools in Iowa for example, teachers aren’t allowed to teach “divisive concepts.” In New York, you’ve got access to magnet schools, charter schools, a whole bunch of options to explore when it comes to educating your kids. I know it’s not an easy decision to make, and that childcare is super expensive, but there are more benefits to living where you are than just the culture and the general queerness — it’s also safety, and education, and considering what supports will and won’t be there for you and your family in the future, depending on where you live. And on the other hand, you have free childcare to consider, possibly a bigger living space, things like that. It’s a lot to process, but I hope presenting some of these things gives you some aspects to consider and research as you two discuss your options.

Riese: It’s hard to generalize about the midwest because it’s such a mixed bag — I grew up in a midwestern college town (Ann Arbor, Michigan) that is as homogeneously liberal as New York City, and there are plenty more towns like it (Columbus! Madison! Urbana! Bloomington! Iowa City!). Most midwestern cities big enough to have suburbs are liberal areas, from Des Moines to Chicago. There will be culture and there will be queer people. But of course, not as many queer people as there are in Brooklyn, and there won’t be as many of the same types of queers you’ll find in someplace like NYC. BUT you will find a lot of transplants like yourself. I have friends who moved to a liberal part of Alabama to be closer to family for childcare help, and they did eventually find queer friends and community, and are very happy there. On the flipside, in the classic Netflix series The Hunting Wives, Sophie moved to rural Texas and then got all mixed up with murder and mayhem.

Butttt you did say you’re “not wild about” either of the places where you have family, which makes me feel like you should stay in Brooklyn or find a place near where your families live that you *are* wild about. Even being a few hours away could enable you to have some help with childcare without being in an area where you can’t find community or schools that reflect your values.

My Partner Has Financial Know-How, and I Have Financial Trauma

Q

My partner (we’re both in our late 20s) is always talking about things like retirement plans and CDs (not the music kind, it turns out!!!!!) and other financial shit that she seemingly knows a lot about and thinks I should know a lot about, but I don’t! My financial knowledge is not great. My parents were often in debt when I was growing up, and I have a lot of trauma around talking about money in the ways my partner talks about it, especially because I have sort of just always gone through life assuming retirement funds were for people who are not me. I’m responsible. I pay my bills. But I’ve mostly lived paycheck to paycheck in a way my partner doesn’t understand. We’ve been together about four years now and I can see us getting married, at which point I suppose our finances will be more entangled so I do want to make sure I’m not dragging her down with me, but are there actually accessible ways to learn about these things? Every time I ask my partner questions I feel like she’s judging me and it just turns into an argument usually.

A

Summer: Hey OP. Listen, if you’ve been together for that long and things are still moving forward, you’re not a burden. No relationship has truly identical financial backgrounds and experience unless like what, they’re identical twins? Ew.

I’d normally write stuff about how you can approach the topic with her to pick up more financial literacy, or how to learn from other resources but… What does concern me is that discussing it with her leads to an argument. It’s never a good sign if a relationship can’t achieve consensus on finances. Managing resources and labour (financially) are as critical to a relationship’s future as any other aspect. It quite literally gives you food, shelter, and health.

And while there are good ways to learn about financial management as a late bloomer, that won’t address how unfair it is for you to feel belittled when the topic comes up with your girlfriend. You can address the financial side of this situation, but I fear that it’s not sustainable or good for you to always cater to her when she treats you that way.

Ashni: Yes, there are accessible ways to learn about these things! You might be living paycheck to paycheck now, but it’s entirely possible that you won’t be forever, and building financial knowledge now will help you longer-term. I read Ramit Sethi’s “I Will Teach You To Be Rich” last year which I don’t … want to recommend because I remember parts of it rubbed me the wrong way, but it was a really accessible way to learn more about finances. If you’re not already on the credit card train / building your credit, that’s another thing to look into if you can. Summer’s Reddit recs are great, I’ve leaned on r/PersonalFinance myself. I do agree, though, that your partner judging you for questions and having conversations turn into arguments when you’re just trying to learn more is… not great.

Em: Money is a charged subject, but I feel like the social stigma around talking about it is one of the biggest structural forces that keeps money unequally distributed in our society. You’re fighting the good fight by taking this on, opening up and having the conversation!! There is no shame in having different levels of financial literacy, the world and the system is literally set up to have it that way. The fact you are pre-empting that it might be a knowledge gap that could cause friction for you and your partner, is super thoughtful and smart from my point of view. Practicality and pragmatic thought like this is its own kind of romance!

Already seems like you are getting more comfortable being vulnerable and engaging with that money-panic from your past experiences – have you opened up to your partner about this? Perhaps if you give her the context she will be better equipped to reassure you and to intentionally create a judgement-free space as you share knowledge and make financial plans together. In partnership it’s a constant exchange of strengths and weaknesses, and so it’s ok to be supported and be the one “learning” in this domain. I’m sure there are other areas where you bring expertise and pull ahead.

Nico: Why is it becoming an argument when you aren’t very financially entangled, yet? I think that your partner needs to be able to engage with you about things you don’t know as much about with a kind and understanding approach. You have said yourself that you have different backgrounds. As someone who comes from a family where we were often strapped (and my dad has described our circumstances in my early years as “dirt poor”), it is so incredibly jarring to deal with people who have always had a much greater sense of stability. I want to push back at the thought in your mind that you’re “dragging her down” with you. You said that you pay your bills. You’ve managed in the ways you know how. Not everyone has a retirement plan. You can get one when you’re able, but not everyone has the opportunity until later in life, and some people never have the opportunity at all. Honestly, it’s a bad system and no one should need to fear for survival in their old age, but here we are. You are not bad or wrong for working hard your whole life and only being able to just live paycheck to paycheck. Most people are in this situation. Your partner should not be making you feel bad about any of this, and I think that is a conversation in and of itself.

Now, with what you’re talking about, I think your first project is simply some more financial literacy. This should not cost you a thing if you make use of a library or other free source for books. Here is a list on Reddit of financial resources to get your started. Once you know more about the jargon involved, it’s going to be so much easier to make informed and confident choices. Move steadily, but at your own pace. And if your partner can’t discuss finances with you reasonably and calmly, I want to encourage you to consider that a marriage is also a financial arrangement, and that many relationships can suffer from financial disagreements. I suggest that if you are determined to make things work and these problems continue, that you seek couples counseling. Wishing you tons of luck on your journey towards knowing more! (About made up things!)

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If somebody is working on themselves and changing for the better, it’s unnecessary to keep bringing up their past. People can change and grow. You know that’s true. But have you given yourself a fair chance to change and grow, too?

Have you loosened your grip on what’s behind you, so you can step forward again?

If you’re shaking your head, you aren’t alone. At times we all fall victim to our attachments. We simply don’t realize how often we block our own present blessings by holding on to everything so tightly.

Thus, it’s time for a quick true story about life and letting go…

When Our Old Stories Hold Us Back

She rarely makes eye contact. Instead, she looks down at the ground. Because the ground is safer. Because unlike people, it expects nothing in return. She doesn’t have to feel ashamed about her past. The ground just accepts her for who she is right now.

As she sits at the bar next to me, she stares down at her vodka tonic, and then the ground, and then her vodka tonic. “Most people don’t get me,” she says. “They ask me questions like, ‘What’s your problem?’ or ‘Were you beaten as a child?’ But I never respond. Because I don’t feel like explaining myself. And I don’t think they really care anyway.”

Just then, a young man sits down at the bar on the opposite side of her. He’s a little drunk and says, “You’re pretty. May I buy you a drink?” She stays silent and looks back down at the ground. After an awkward moment, he accepts the rejection, gets up, and walks away.

“Would you prefer that I leave too?” I ask. “No,” she says without glancing upward. “But I could use some fresh air. You don’t have to come, but you can if you want to.” I follow her outside and we sit on a street curb in front of the bar.

“Brrr… it’s a really chilly night!”

“Tell me about it,” she says while maintaining her usual downward gaze. The warm vapor from her breath cuts through the cold air and bounces off of the ground in front of her. “So why are you out here with me? I mean, wouldn’t you rather be inside in the warmth, talking to normal people about normal things?”

“I’m out here because I want to be. Because I’m not normal. And look, I can see my breath, and we’re in San Diego. That’s not normal either. Oh, and you’re wearing old Airwalk sneakers, and so am I — which may have been normal in 1994, but not anymore.”

She glances up at me and smirks, this time exhaling her breath upward into the moonlight. “I see you’re wearing a ring. You’re married, right?”

“Yeah,” I reply. “My wife, Angel, is just getting off work now and heading here to meet me for dinner.”

She nods her head and then looks back at the ground. “Well, you’re off the market… and safe, I guess. So can I tell you a story?”

“I’m listening.”

As she speaks, her emotional gaze shifts from the ground, to my eyes, to the moonlit sky, to the ground, and back to my eyes again. This rotation continues in a loop for the duration of her story. And every time her eyes meet mine she holds them there for a few seconds longer than she did on the previous rotation.

I don’t interject once. I listen to every word. And I assimilate the raw emotion present in the tone of her voice and in the depth of her eyes.

When she finishes, she says, “Well, now you know my story. You think I’m a freak, don’t you?”

“Place your right hand on your chest,” I tell her. She does. “Do you feel something?” I ask.

“Yeah, I feel my heartbeat.”

“Now close your eyes, place both your hands on your face, and move them around slowly.” She does. “What do you feel now?” I ask.

“Well, I feel my eyes, my nose, my mouth… I feel my face.”

“That’s right,” I reply. “But unlike you, stories don’t have heartbeats, and they don’t have faces. Because stories are not alive — they’re not people. They’re just stories.”

She stares into my eyes for a prolonged moment, smiles sincerely and says, “Just stories we live through.”

“Yeah… And stories we learn from.”

The Hard Lessons We Learn by Letting Go

The woman from the story above became one of our very first students when Angel and I opened the doors to the original version of the Getting Back to Happy course a decade ago, and she’s now a friend of ours too. She has learned and applied many remarkable lessons over the years that ultimately allowed her to let go of her difficult past — her story — and move forward with her life. And last night I sat down with her over a cup of tea and had an in-depth, soul-centered conversation about what she has learned over the years. I’m sharing her story and lessons with you today, with permission, because I know we all struggle in similar ways…

Here are four hard, actionable lessons we discussed:

1. You can have a heartbreaking story from the past without letting it dominate your present life.

In the present moment we all have some kind of pain: anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment, regret, etc.

Notice this pain within yourself, watch it closely, and see that it’s caused by whatever story you have in your head about what happened in the past (either in the recent past or in the distant past). Your mind might insist that the pain you feel is caused by what happened (not by the story in your head about it), but what happened in the past is NOT happening right now. It’s over. It has passed. But the pain is still happening right now because of the story you’ve been subconsciously telling yourself about that past incident.

Note that “story” does not mean “fake story.” It also does not mean “true story.” The word “story” in the context of your self-evaluation doesn’t have to imply true or false, positive or negative, or any other kind of forceful judgment call. It’s simply a process that’s happening inside your head:

• You are remembering something that happened.
• You subconsciously perceive yourself as a victim of this incident.
• Your memory of what happened causes a strong emotion in you.

So just notice what story you have, without judging it, and without judging yourself. It’s natural to have a story; we all have stories. See yours for what it is. And see that it’s causing you pain. Then take a deep breath, and another…

Inner peace begins the moment you take these deep breaths and choose not to allow the past to dominate your present thoughts and emotions. (Note: Angel and I discuss this process in more detail in the “Happiness” chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently” and throughout the guided journal, “The Good Morning Journal: Powerful Prompts & Reflections to Start Every Day”.)

2. A big part of letting go is simply realizing there’s nothing to hold on to in the first place.

All of the things from our past that we desperately try to hold on to, as if they’re real, solid, everlasting fixtures in our lives, aren’t really there. Or if they are there in some form, they’re changing, fluid, impermanent, or simply imagined storylines in our minds.

Life gets a lot easier to deal with the moment we understand this.

Imagine you’re blindfolded and treading water in the center of a large swimming pool, and you’re struggling desperately to grab the edge of the pool that you think is nearby, but really it’s not—it’s far away. Trying to grab that imaginary edge is stressing you out, and tiring you out, as you splash around aimlessly trying to holding on to something that isn’t there.

Now imagine you pause, take a deep breath, and realize that there’s nothing nearby to hold on to. Just water around you. You can continue to struggle with grabbing at something that doesn’t exist… or you can accept that there’s only water around you, and relax, and float.

Today I challenge you to ask yourself:

• What’s something from the past that you are still desperately trying to hold on to?
• How is it affecting you in the present?

Then imagine the thing you’re trying to hold on to doesn’t really exist. Envision yourself letting go… and just floating.

How might that change your life from this moment forward?

3. The subtle pain you continue to feel can be healed through compassion for those suffering alongside you.

When we’re still working through a painful experience from the past, it’s easy to feel like we’re going through it alone — like no one else could possibly understand how we feel. In a way, we subconsciously place ourselves at the center of the universe, and see everything that happened exclusively from the viewpoint of how it affects us personally, without regard for anyone else. But as we grow through our pain and gradually broaden our horizons, we begin to see that our self-centered thinking is only fueling our misery. And we realize that shifting our focus onto others for a while can help.

It’s one of life’s great paradoxes: when we serve others, we end up benefiting as much if not more than those we serve. So whenever you feel pain from the past trying to suck you back in, shift your focus from your circumstances to the circumstances of those near and far.

The simplest way of doing this at any given moment?

Practice letting your breath be an anchor for global healing. Breathe in whatever painful feeling you’re feeling, and breathe out relief from that pain for everyone in the world who is suffering alongside you. For example:

• If you’re feeling grief, breathe in all the grief of the world… then breathe out peace.
• If you’re feeling anger, breathe in all the anger of the world… then breathe out forgiveness.
• If you’re feeling regretful, breathe in all the regret of the world… then breathe out gratitude for the good times.

Do this for a minute or two as often as you need to, imagining all the pain of those near and far coming in with each breath, and then a feeling of compassion and reconciliation radiating out to all of those who are in pain as you breathe out. Instead of running from your past and the pain it caused you, you’re embracing it… you’re letting yourself absorb it. And you’re thinking of others as well, which gets you out of that miserable, self-centered mindset trap.

4. There is always, always, always something to be grateful for.

Even when your past — your story — tries to pull you back in, you can consciously do your best to focus on your present blessings. What do you see in your life right now? Be thankful for the good parts. For your health, your family, your friends, or your home. Many people don’t have these things.

Remind yourself that the richest human is rarely the one who has the most, but the one who needs less. Wealth is a daily mindset. Want less and appreciate more today. Easier said than done of course, but with practice gratitude does get easier. And as you practice, you transform your past struggles into present moments of freedom.

Ultimately, on the average day, happiness is letting go of what you assume your life is supposed to be like right now and sincerely appreciating it for everything that it is. So at the end of this day, before you close your eyes, be at peace with where you’ve been and grateful for what you have right now. Life has goodness.

Now it’s your turn…

Again, the lessons above take practice to fully grasp in real time. So just do your best to bring awareness to this gradually — to practice — so you can let go one day at a time. Keep reminding yourself…

• You are not your bad days
• You are not your mistakes
• You are not your scars
• You are not your past

Be here now and breathe.

And before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

Contempt is the worst of the four horsemen. It is the most destructive negative behavior in relationships. In Dr. John Gottman’s four decades of research, he has found it to be the number one predictor of divorce. According to Malcolm Gladwell in his bestselling book, Blink:

“If Gottman observes one or both partners in a marriage showing contempt toward the other, he considers it the most important sign that a marriage is in trouble.”

When you communicate with contempt, the results can be cruel. Treating others with disrespect and mocking them with sarcasm and condescension are forms of contempt. So are hostile humor, name-calling, mimicking, and body language such as eye-rolling and sneering. In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust and superiority, especially moral, ethical, or characterological.

Contempt, simply put, says, “I’m better than you. And you are lesser than me.”

Why contempt is so destructive and dangerous

Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about one’s partner, and it arises in the form of an attack on someone’s sense of self. Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict—particularly dangerous and destructive forms of conflict—rather than to reconciliation. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with them and that you’re condescending and acting as their superior.

Take a look at this couple. One partner has a need always to be on time, even early, yet the other partner seems to have difficulty keeping up and being ready to go when their partner needs them to be. Here’s a form of contempt that the punctual partner might dish out:

“Look, I learned how to tell time when I was five years old. When are you ever gonna learn?”

Or this couple, who have a recurring fight about sex:

“We haven’t had sex in months. What, are you too busy flirting with that guy at work? Why don’t you just marry him instead?”

The research found that couples who are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illness (colds, the flu, etc.) than couples who are not contemptuous. Contempt is the most poisonous of all relationship killers. We cannot emphasize that enough. Contempt destroys psychological, emotional, and physical health.

Anderson Cooper of CNN reacts to Dr. John Gottman’s findings on contempt, particularly about how emotionally and physically destructive it can be, in this short clip:

Fortunately, like all of the four horsemen, there is an effective antidote to contempt, and it comes in two forms.

The antidotes to contempt

Short-term: Describe your feelings and needs

If you’re experiencing contempt in your relationship, there are proven antidotes to combat it and turn conflict into positive growth. The first way to do that is to start small and describe your own feelings and needs about any given issue. Try to avoid using “you” statements, which can make your partner feel blamed or attacked.

“I’m feeling neglected sexually, and I need physical connection. Can we talk about how to make that happen so it works for both of us?”

Or, in terms of being punctual:

“It’s very important to me to be on time. Can you please help me with that?”

Short-term measures like that are the best place to start, but to create long-term immunity, you will need to think about the greater context of your relationship.

Long-term: Build a culture of fondness and admiration

The best antidote to contempt is to build a culture of fondness and admiration for each other, which, metaphorically, strengths your relationship’s immune system. It is the second level of our Sound Relationship House.

Fondness and admiration aren’t built overnight, but if you intentionally work to do small, positive things for your partner every day, then you can create that system. Once you’ve created it, it will act as a consistent bulwark against contempt.

The best test to measure the strength of your fondness and admiration system is to focus on how you view your relationship’s history. In the research, couples who have a positive view of their past through oral history interviews are much more likely to be happy in their relationships. But if your relationship is in deep trouble, you’re unlikely to elicit much praise from each other, and you’ll likely have difficulty remembering the good times.

Talking about the happy events of the past, however, helps many couples reconnect. Remember the good times, and also remember the tough times where, together, you pushed through and succeeded, which is when couples “glorify the struggle,” and it helps to build solidarity in your relationship. Focus on offering daily gestures and expressions of appreciation, kindness, support, and love. These can be as simple as a six-second kiss, a stress-reducing conversation, or spending five minutes to thank each other for how you support each other.

Although happy couples will feel frustrated at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that their partner is worthy of honor and respect. Even though sharing fondness and admiration is crucial in a relationship, these positive sentiments often dwindle overtime through conflict, resentment, or simply the absentmindedness that can come as a result of life’s many distractions.

That being said, sharing fondness and admiration in your relationship is not complicated, and can be done even if you think those positive feelings are buried too deep beneath recent conflicts. Positive thoughts invoke positive feelings, and the goal is to turn both into positive actions that help to heal and bring companionship back to your relationship. The more positivity you have in your relationship, the more you will create positive sentiment override, which is what successful couples rely on to stay connected.

If you revive fondness and admiration for each other, you are more likely to approach conflict resolution as a team. Fondness and admiration will expand your sense of “we-ness” and solidarity as a couple, and it will keep the two of you as connected as you felt when you first met.

Many people will get married, and others will never marry. Getting married or not getting married is not a moral issue. Instead, some people get married and others do not. One is not superior to the other. Despite this being often taught within Christian communities, it is not correct. A person can serve Jesus whether they are married or not.

Will My Life Be Lacking If I’m Not Married?

Marriage is not for everyone. Nowhere in the Bible does God promise us a spouse. While this can be depressing for many, it is what the Bible says. If you have desired marriage for a long time and you are now feeling God is leading you away from it, leave space for your feelings. Grieving what could have been is entirely valid and nothing to be ashamed of.

Oftentimes, we think our life will lack something if we are not married. After all, everyone wants to love and to be loved. There is no point in life without love. While we may never have a spouse who loves us, we can take solace in knowing God loves us. His love is shown to us by sending His Son to die for our sins (John 3:16-17).

The love God has for you has no bounds (Romans 8:37-39). He loves you without conditions. Lean on this when you feel you are struggling. Seeing everyone getting married when you feel alone and unloved is excruciating. I see you, and I validate your pain. However, it says nothing about your worth.

God dearly loves you, and nothing can change this truth. In addition to being loved by God, you are complete in Christ (Colossians 2:9-10). Since you are complete in Christ, you are not lacking anything. Through Jesus, you are more than enough and are given everything you need to live for Him. There are no requirements for serving Jesus besides loving Him and knowing Him as your personal Savior and Lord.

Am I a Mature Christian If I’m Not Married?

A common phrase I have heard amongst Christian communities is, “You are not a mature Christian if you are not married.” This is a false statement, as marriage has nothing to do with Christian maturity. A person can be married with little Christian maturity, and a person can be unmarried with great Christian maturity. Being married or not isn’t a measurable tool for Christian maturity.

Christian maturity is based on service and obedience to God. Both single and married Christians can be mature Christians. If you want to cultivate your maturity in your Christian walk, start being more involved with daily prayer, reading your Bible, and applying God’s teachings. This is how you develop Christian growth. It is not found in getting married.

For many people, marriage can help them become more mature; however, this does not mean they are maturing in their Christian walk. People who are married and those who are not can grow in their Christian walk by following Jesus and deepening their relationship with Him. Choose to utilize this time to grow in Christ and rest in knowing that you can be a mature Christian regardless of your relationship status.

How Do I Know If I Should Get Married or Not?

For some people, marriage is not an option. They have chosen in their hearts that they will dedicate their entire lives to serving God. Whether they decide to get married or not, they can still glorify God (1 Corinthians 7:1-40). The Bible never tells us one is better than the other. Therefore, never feel ashamed if you never get married. In the same way, don’t feel as though you cannot serve Jesus with your life if you are married.

God loves all people, whether they are married or not. If someone is married, they need to ensure their marriage brings glory to God. This means treating their spouse well, loving them as Jesus loves the church, respecting their spouse, and building their marriage upon God (Ephesians 5:21-33). Getting married is a huge decision and one that should be made haphazardly.

If you choose to marry, make sure you marry the right person for the right reason. I have known far too many people who get married just because they want to be married. They don’t truly want to marry their fiancé or fiancée—they just feel they have to get married. If you are stuck in a mindset like this, turn to God. Seek His direction and allow Him to change your heart.

If God wants you to be married, He will bring the right person into your life. If this person never comes, know that it is okay. It can be painful, but your life will not suffer for not getting married. I know many Christian women who never married, yet they have joyful and abundant lives in the Lord. While I am sure they sometimes struggle, they can use this pain as something positive for the Kingdom.

Marriage is not for everyone, and we do not need to try to force marriage upon ourselves. If we never get married, that is okay—our value and worth never fade away if we don’t get married. Marriage is a beautiful thing, and so is singleness. Many view marriage as a gift, but singleness is a beautiful blessing. By remaining single, you can dedicate yourself fully to the Lord and spend more time with Him.

As you reflect on these truths, pour your feelings into God in prayer. Tell him how you feel about things, and don’t be afraid to be honest. If you are having difficulty accepting that you might never get married, give these feelings to God. Yes, it is painful for a dream to be broken, but God has something far greater in store. Trust Him with your life and know that He will turn your life into something beautiful.

Whether you get married or not, know that you can serve God. God’s biggest desire for us is our Christian growth in Him. Marriage is a beautiful creation of God, but it is not promised to us. We are promised His incredible love and the blessing of salvation, the greatest gifts of all.

Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/DAMIENPHOTO

Vivian Bricker obtained a Bachelor of Arts in Ministry, followed by a Master of Arts with an emphasis in theology. She loves all things theology, mission work, and helping others learn about Jesus. Find more of her content at Cultivate: https://cultivatechristianity.wordpress.com/.

• You keep asking “is it me or them?”
• You hope things will magically get better at some point in the future.
• You suppress your personality to avoid conflicts.
• You are unhappy but your partner is just fine.
• Problems are never resolved, and nothing is ever gained.

Deal Breakers in Relationships

These type of situations are often called “deal-breaker” scenarios. They are highly problematic because they waste time and life is short. Too often, people spend years with the wrong person, or avoid the necessary steps to improve their relationship with the right person.

On top of that, deal breakers compromise your quality of life. When you’re not clear within yourself, you end up going along with something that doesn’t feel quite right. You may doubt yourself and wonder “Am I making too big a deal of this?” Or, worse, you make excuses and live in the future (“It will go away after he trusts me,” or “Once she goes to therapy it will get better”).

Remember, problems that are not resolved today are likely to never be resolved. (This is not to say problems cannot be solved, but if your partner is unwilling to work on something important today, this points to a low likelihood of a different future.)

Don’t bank on potential. See what is real in front of you now.

The only way to fix a deal-breaker situation is to find out what your personal non-negotiable relationship terms are, and take the steps to get it right or get out.

Dr. Bethany Marshall, author of the book Deal Breakers, has some great suggestions for women in compromising relationships. She specifically targets women in relationships with men, but her observations can be applied to both genders and same-sex relationships.

But first let’s define “deal-breaker” a little further. The very term implies that you are in some kind deal. As unromantic as this sounds, relationships are deals. And if the terms aren’t met, either party is free to walk away.

That is why it’s crucial that you understand what you can expect in the relationship. When you can’t effectively define the terms of your relationship, you will forever be frustrated, compromised, and disempowered.

In a nutshell, Dr. Marshall says a deal breaker is the one character flaw, emotional stance, or pattern of behavior that significantly damages the quality of a relationship.

Of course, most relationships are not perfect arrangements. All relationships generate some annoyances, transgressions, and disappointments.

But when you are facing a deal-breaker, you are looking at a non-negotiable term that, if not agreed to, kills the deal.  For example, lack of reciprocal emotional investment is a common one.

Deal breakers are not minor annoying habits or just one bad thing that has happened that is unrelated to other problems. Rather, they must:

• Destroy something that is precious to you.
• Undermine the very conditions that make it possible to love.
• Point to everything else that is wrong with the relationship. It is the “tip of the misery iceberg.”
• Show themselves early on. As symptoms of something deeper, they rarely come out of the blue.
• Hold potential to become a tool for positive change.

6 Ways to Assert Your Deal Breakers in Relationships

If you think that deal-breakers are at play in your relationship, here are some steps you can take to get some clarity:

1.       Know yourself. Ask the following questions: “Do the emotions I have in this relationship feel familiar?” “What is it that makes it hard for me to think clearly?” Be honest with yourself about what you really want, and not just want you think you should want.

2.      Be aware of personality problems. Dr. Marshall identifies several personality traits in men, but in my experience these patterns can be found in anyone.

Do any of these sound familiar?

• The Scriptwriter: This person decides who you are without consulting you. You feel misunderstood, like a character in their play.  For example, your partner is so afraid of “being taken to the cleaners,” that you pay for everything to avoid being typecast.
• The Person in Charge: This type of person is intolerant towards people and situations they can’t control. They may be very reliable and seemingly caring, but you feel smothered. They must be the originator of all experiences or else they are a buzzkill.
• The Person without Fault: This person cannot self-reflect and rarely takes responsibility for their actions and feelings. They overvalue their achievements and deny their impact on others around them.
• The Invisible Person: This person is emotionally constricted and frequently shuts down in the context of intimate relationships.
• Child Posing as an Adult: This type of person avoids responsibility for themselves. They can be exciting and pleasure seeking. But they have difficulty being alone and their actions contradict their words.

3.      Confront the confusion. Ask yourself two key questions:
1) “What is non-negotiable for me?” This is what you must have in a relationship. Don’t judge yourself for wanting it. Want what you want!
2)  “If things don’t change, can I live with it?” If something feels unacceptable to you in the future, it is probably unacceptable now.

4.      Stop the self-blame.  Own your own neuroses, but don’t take all responsibility for the joint dynamic.

5.      Assert yourself.

• Reveal your feelings and needs. Describe your deal-breaker and give your partner specific examples of what is not working for you.
• Give your partner a chance to respond.
• Let them come up with their own solutions. You can ask: “What can/will you do to make the situation better?”  But do not do all the work.

6.      Have the willingness to walk away. If your partner is not able to take on board what you have shared,  ask yourself: “How long am I willing to wait?” Set a time limit, and make a plan.

This is not easy. It can be excruciating.

But as Dr. Marshall says: “Loss can be negotiated, and reputations can be repaired. But a life can never be relived. So make sure you are living it with the right person.”

Be brave!

If you have examined your deal breakers in relationships and decide to end the relationship, see by blog on smart steps to take when ending a relationship.

Until then, I love hearing from you! Share with me your thoughts below . . .

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Philippians 4:6 NLT

When you’re upset with someone or you feel hurt by them, the last thing you typically want to do is pray for them. Our human nature when someone hurts you is to want to hurt them back, or at least play the victim for a while and make them suffer.

Choosing to pray for your spouse when you are upset with them actually helps you mature and grow closer to God and to your spouse. While it may be tempting to simply pray for them to see the errors of their ways and to see that you are right, praying for the following three things will help your heart change toward them and help make your relationship better.

Thank God for them. So many of Paul’s prayers in the New Testament begin with thanksgiving because he knew the importance of being thankful for the people God had placed in his life. When you take time to thank God for your spouse, it helps you remember how much you love them and how much of a blessing they are to you (something that’s easily forgotten when you are mad at them for something).

Pray for what they need. Ask God to give your spouse what they need at that time. It may be peace in their soul, it may be for them to grow closer to God and to hear His voice, or it may be for them to accept Him as their savior if they haven’t done that yet. The beauty of prayer is that God knows what you need before you ask Him, so you can pray simply that God gives them what they need and He will do the rest.

Pray for yourself. Ironically, probably the most important thing when praying for your spouse is to pray for yourself. Pray for God to change your heart and allow you to move past whatever is bothering and/or hurting you and to grow closer to Him through it. You are the only one you have control over in your relationship, so ask God to work in you to help your marriage grow stronger.

Practical Application: The next time you are angry at your spouse, go into another room and take a minute to pray for these three things and give your frustrations over to God and then watch your attitude change.

When you choose to let God work in your heart through conflict with your spouse, you can strengthen your relationship with God, grow in maturity, grow closer to your spouse, and experience more peace in your relationship.

**This advice is directed toward minor disagreements in marriages. If you are facing more severe issues in your marriage like infidelity or abuse, it is best for you to pursue professional help.

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