The most powerful changes happen when we decide to take control of what we do have power over, instead of craving control over what we do not.

Holding on is hard. Holding on contributes to stress, unhappiness, relationship issues, and so much more. Yet, as human beings, we cling desperately to almost everything…

• We don’t like change, so we hold on tight to the past.
• We want life to be the way we think it “should” be.
• We get attached to our ideals even when they hurt us.

Over the past 15 years, as Marc and I have gradually worked with hundreds of coaching clients and live event attendees, we’ve come to understand that the root cause of most human stress is simply our stubborn propensity to hold on to things. In a nutshell, we hold on tight to the hope that things will go exactly as we imagine, and then we complicate our lives to no end when they don’t.

So how can we stop holding on today?

By realizing that there’s nothing to hold on to in the first place.

Most of the things we desperately try to hold on to, as if they’re real, solid, everlasting fixtures in our lives, aren’t really there. Or if they are there in some form, they’re changing, fluid, impermanent, or simply imagined in our minds.

Life gets a lot easier to deal with when we understand this.

Imagine you’re blindfolded and treading water in the center of a large swimming pool, and you’re struggling desperately to grab the edge of the pool that you think is nearby, but really it’s not — it’s far away. Trying to grab that imaginary edge is stressing you out, and tiring you out, as you splash around aimlessly trying to holding on to something that isn’t there.

Now imagine you pause, take a deep breath, and realize that there’s nothing nearby to hold on to. Just water around you. You can continue to struggle with grabbing at something that doesn’t exist… or you can accept that there’s only water around you, and relax for a moment, and float.

I challenge you to ask yourself right now:

• What are you desperately trying to hold on to?
• How is holding on like this affecting your life?

Then imagine the thing you’re trying to hold on to doesn’t really exist.

Envision yourself letting go… and just floating.

Think about how that decision could change your life.

For Marc and me, it honestly changed everything. And hundreds of people we’ve worked with over the years have had similar results. Here are some good reasons and ways life changes for the better once we loosen our grip:

1. When we let go, we allow ourselves to make the most of things.

A big part of your ability to be happy and successful in the long run relies on your willingness to let go of what you think your life is supposed to be like right now, sincerely appreciate it for everything that it is, and then make the very best of it. Remember, when you stop worrying about what you can’t control, you have more time and energy to change the things you can control.

2. When we let go, we’re able to use our resources more effectively.

Again, holding on is wanting to control the uncontrollable. Letting go and allowing uncontrollable things to happen, on the other hand, means these uncontrollable things will take care of themselves more naturally, and your needs will also be better met in the process. At the very least, you will have less to do (less to control) and more time and energy to focus on the things that truly matter — the things you actually can control — like some positive and effective daily rituals.

3. When we let go, we free our minds from extra worries.

When you are lost in worry it’s easy to mistake your worries for reality, instead of recognizing that they are just thoughts. Do your best to be more mindful. Let your presence expand and your overthinking shrink. Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in all the present possibilities.

4. When we let go, we learn more about how life really works.

When you hold on to how things “should” be, you automatically block yourself from the truth. You resist how everything works rather than learning about it. The key is to educate yourself about your present circumstances and then work smarter with what you’ve got. (Note: Marc and I discuss this further in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

5. When we let go, we get to appreciate others for who they are.

It’s about loosening up and learning to appreciate different perspectives, lifestyles, and opinions, even if it means overcoming your ego and opening your mind beyond what’s comfortable. It’s about letting those you care about be unapologetically themselves, and not distorting them to fit your own egotistical idea of who you think they “should” be.

6. When we let go, we’re less distracted by people-pleasing.

How often has your life been driven by the misunderstandings and unfair judgments of others? And how often have these misunderstandings and judgments stressed you out simply because you thought you could control the way everyone sees you? The truth is most people will see what they want to see whether you worry about it or not. It’s time to let go of trying to control how everybody perceives you. It’s time to just do the best you can!

7. When we let go, we allow ourselves to grow and heal.

If someone breaks your heart, it’s not easy to deal with. But you can heal as long as you’re willing to accept the circumstances and then gradually move through them. For example, you may catch yourself thinking, “Why did I ever love him? I should never have given him my heart!” But that’s not a helpful thought. If you didn’t love him, this never would have happened. But you did. That’s reality. And accepting that reality and everything that followed is part of letting it go, and growing from it.

8. When we let go, it gets easier to forgive ourselves.

Ask yourself: Is it possible that all the “bad” or “foolish” things you’ve done have been forgiven and forgotten by almost everyone who matters in your life, except you? The answer is likely yes. Sometimes you’ve just got to look at yourself in the mirror and say, “This did happen. It was bad judgment. It was a mistake. But I’ve grown from it. I was, and I am, worthy of my own love and forgiveness.”

9. When we let go, we get to enjoy more of life’s little surprises.

Life is so full of unpredictable beauty and brilliant little surprises. And sometimes the sudden, unexpected arrival of this beauty is almost too much to handle. Do you know that feeling? When something is just too beautiful? When someone randomly says something or writes something or plays some melody that moves you to the point of tears. Do you really want to miss out on that feeling for the rest of your life? No? Then it’s time to let go of the constant rumination and pay closer attention to the life you’re actually living today.

10. When we let go, we live more gratefully (and gracefully).

To let go is, in part, to be grateful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and helped you learn and grow. It’s the acceptance of everything you have, everything you once had, and the possibilities that are appearing over the horizon. It’s all about finding the strength to embrace life’s inevitable changes, to trust your own instincts, to learn as you go, to realize that almost every experience has value, and to continue taking positive steps forward.

An exercise for letting things breathe as you let go…

If you’d like another actionable way to practice letting go (like the opening visualization exercise on “floating”), this two-step closing exercise is for YOU:

1. As you read these words, you are breathing. Stop for a moment and notice this breath. You can control this breath, and make it faster or slower, or make it behave as you like. Or you can simply let yourself inhale and exhale naturally. There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine letting other parts of your body breathe, like your tense shoulders. Just let them be, without having to tense them or control them.
2. Now look around the room you’re in and notice the objects around you. Pick one, and let it breathe. There are likely people in the room with you too, or in the same house or building, or in nearby houses or buildings. Visualize them in your mind, and let them breathe.

That’s it. Repeat this two-step exercise as often as you need to. When you let everything and everyone breathe, you just let them be, exactly as they are. You don’t need to control them, worry about them, or change them. You just let them breathe, in peace, and you accept them as they are. This is what letting go is all about. Again, it can be a life-changing practice! (And if you’re looking for even more guidance and practice, this short essay is a great primer on the process of letting go.)

Now it’s your turn.

I hope this short essay brought more awareness to the fact that letting go isn’t impossible for you, and that it isn’t about hiding from life either. It’s about opening up to life and accepting the things you can’t control, so you can learn and grow. Surely it takes some practice, but when you develop the skill of letting go, and practice it daily, you automatically prepare yourself for almost any challenge life might send your way. Thus, it’s time to practice…

But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Which one of the points above resonated the most today?

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

You don’t realize how often you block your own present blessings by holding on to everything so tightly.

It’s always necessary to accept when some part of your life has reached its inevitable end. Closing the door, completing the chapter, turning the page, etc. It doesn’t matter what you title it; what matters is that you find the strength to leave in the past those former parts of your life that are over, and those little ideals in your mind that simply aren’t meant to be.

Over the past 15 years, as Angel and I have gradually worked with hundreds of our course students, coaching clients, and live event attendees, we’ve come to understand that the most common cause of human frustration on an average day is our stubborn propensity to hold on to things long after it’s time to let go. In a nutshell, we hold on tight to the hope that things will go exactly as we imagine, and then we complicate our lives to no end when they don’t.

So let’s take a look at some of those things we ultimately regret holding on to in life…

1. The way things “should be” today.

Try to use frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life. Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remember that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance. A small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, while the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. Where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt.

2. The way things used to be.

You’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or even a week ago. You’re always learning and growing, and life is always evolving. Even though you can’t control everything that happens, again, you can control your attitude about what happens. And in doing so, you will gradually master change rather than allowing it to master you. So be humble today. Be teachable. The world is bigger than your view of the world. There’s always room for a fresh idea or a next step. But first you must accept the fact that things may never go back to how they used to be, and that this ending is really a new beginning.

3. Old mistakes and errors in judgment.

Forgive yourself for the bad decisions you’ve made in the past, for the times you lacked understanding, for the choices that accidentally hurt others and yourself. Forgive yourself, for being young and reckless. These are all vital lessons. And what matters most right now is your willingness to grow from them.

4. That subtle desire to change the unchangeable.

Be selective with your energy today. If you can fix a problem, fix it. If you can’t, then accept it and change your thoughts about it. Whatever you do, don’t attempt to invest more energy than you have, tripping over something behind you or something that only exists inside your head. Truth be told, some of the most powerful moments in life happen when you find the courage to let go of what can’t be changed. Because when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself — to grow beyond the unchangeable. And that changes everything.

5. The fantasy of a perfect path (or time to begin).

Too often we waste our time waiting for a path to appear, but it never does. Because we forget that paths are made by walking, not waiting. And we forget that there’s absolutely nothing about our present circumstances that prevents us from making progress again, one tiny step at a time.

6. The need for constant comfort and familiarity.

Everything gets a bit uncomfortable when it’s time for a change. That’s just a part of the growth process. Things will get better, step by step. And keep in mind that your effort is never wasted, even when it leads to disappointing results. For it always makes you stronger, more educated, and more experienced in the long run. So when the going gets tough, be patient and keep going. Just because you are struggling does not mean you are failing. Every great success requires some kind of worthy struggle to get there.

7. Relationships that always make you feel less like yourself.

Let others take you as you are, or not at all. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes. By being yourself, you put something beautiful into the world that was not there before. And remember that in the long run it’s wiser to lose someone over being who you are, than it is to keep them by being someone you’re not. Because it’s easier to fill an empty space in your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space inside yourself where YOU used to be. (Note: Angel and I discuss strategies for living true to these words in the Relationships chapters of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

8. Those old chapters that are still lingering half-open.

You’re going to mingle with a lot of people in your lifetime. You’re going to have first kisses you feel all the way down to your toes and think “Oh my gosh, I love him,” but really…you loved the kiss. You’re going to meet a friend you think you will know forever, but then something will change and you two will go your separate ways. You’re going to explore different parts of your life with different people who aren’t in it for the long haul, and that isn’t a bad thing. Life is a series of stories, and the way our stories intersect is remarkable. Sometimes people are in our lives for the whole story. Sometimes they are just a short chapter or two. It takes a wise person to know when that chapter is over, and then to turn the page.

An exercise for letting go and letting things breathe…

In each of the aforementioned points above, the mind holds on tight to something — an ideal — that isn’t real. And after awhile the inevitable happens: unnecessary stress ensues.

So how can we stop holding on so tight?

There are many ways, but right now let’s begin by letting everything breathe…

As you read these words, you are breathing. Stop for a moment and notice this breath. You can control this breath, and make it faster or slower, or make it behave as you like. Or you can simply let yourself inhale and exhale naturally. There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine letting other parts of your body breathe, like your tense shoulders. Just let them be, without having to tense them or control them.

Now look around the room you’re in and notice the objects around you. Pick one, and let it breathe. There are likely people in the room with you too, or in the same house or building, or in nearby houses or buildings. Visualize them in your mind, and let them breathe.

When you let everything and everyone breathe, you just let them be, exactly as they are. You don’t need to control them, worry about them, or change them. You just let them breathe, in peace, and you accept them as they are… so you can be on your way. This is the foundation of what letting go is all about. It can be a life-changing practice.

Now it’s your turn…

Yes, it’s your turn to let go and let things breathe, so you can open yourself up to the next real and present chapter of your life. But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Which one of the points above resonated the most today?

Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ~Rumi

Before 2011, I had heard many spiritual teachers talk about “accepting what is.” It sounded nice in theory, like good mental information to chew on. But it didn’t feel embodied. I understood it intellectually, but I wasn’t living it.

Then I attended a weekend intensive with a teacher I deeply respected, and something in the way he explained it hit deeper. It wasn’t just talk. The essence of his words turned a spiritual idea into something I could start to live.

In that talk, he shared a story about a father whose son had become paraplegic. The father was devastated because he had so many expectations—that his son would go to college, graduate, get married, and have children. But those dreams died the day of the accident.

The father was still living in a mental loop: “I should be going to his graduation.” “I should be at his wedding.” He couldn’t let go of the life he thought his son was supposed to have.

The teacher explained that the father needed to grieve his expectations, not just in his mind, but in his body. That hit me hard. It was like an athlete expecting to win a championship and then getting injured. They’re stuck in that same mental trap: “I should have had that career,” and they suffer for years because life handed them a different card.

That story cracked something open in me.

The Weight of ‘Shoulds’ on the Body

I’m someone who tends to be idealistic. I had high expectations for myself, others, and how life was supposed to go. And when people didn’t live up to those ideals, whether in business, relationships, or everyday interactions, it really hurt. I believed people should be honest, ethical, and truthful. They shouldn’t lie; they shouldn’t manipulate. I had a long list of “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” that governed how I expected life to go.

When life didn’t meet those expectations, I felt disappointed, angry, even hateful at times. My body held the tension. I had chronic stress, emotional pain, and health challenges. For six months, I was even coughing up blood, and doctors couldn’t find anything wrong. Looking back, I see now that I was holding on so tightly to my expectations that my body was breaking under the pressure.

This is what that teacher was pointing to: that to truly accept what is, we have to grieve our expectations on a body level. It’s not enough to tell yourself affirmations like “just accept it” until you’re blue in the face. You have to feel where your body says, “No.”

That means noticing: does your body feel heavy? Is your heart tight or tense? If there’s anything other than lightness or peace, then there’s something you haven’t grieved or released.

By staying present with those sensations, without trying to fix or change them, you start to feel shifts. The signs of release are subtle but real: yawning, tears, vibrations, or a sense of energetic movement. It’s like something in your nervous system finally says, “Okay, I can let go now.”

Letting Go Became the Practice

After that retreat, I spent the whole summer sitting with these “should” beliefs. Every day, I made time to observe my thoughts and emotions. I noticed how often I was clinging to ideas like “I should have done this” or “they shouldn’t act that way.” It was uncomfortable at first. I didn’t realize how much I had been carrying around.

I committed three to four months to this work. Being self-employed gave me the space to dive deep, and I felt it was necessary to do my own inner work before I could help others with theirs. I probably put in hundreds, maybe thousands, of hours during that time.

Through that commitment, I released huge chunks of subconscious programming I didn’t even know were there. I realized I had inherited a lot of my “should” thinking from my upbringing. My mother also had strong expectations; when things didn’t go her way, she’d have intense emotional reactions. I had absorbed that pattern without realizing it.

At the end of those few months, I felt like I had begun the real journey of embodying spiritual growth. Not just reading about it. Living it. Accepting what is became something I could feel in my bones, not just think about.

But that was just the beginning.

Acceptance Happens in Layers

Over the next ten years, I noticed a pattern: about every six months to a year, a similar trigger would arise. Same emotion, same resistance, but less intense. The duration of my suffering shrank, too. What used to upset me for weeks now only remained for a few days, then a few hours.

I came to understand that accepting “what is” happens in layers, like peeling an onion. At first, I released the more obvious emotional charges held in the heart or gut. But as time went on, I discovered deeper, more subtle conditioning stored in the nervous system, bones, tailbone, even in my skin and sense organs.

The body doesn’t release it all at once—maybe because doing so would overwhelm the system. With each layer that releases, it feels like the body grants permission to go deeper.

To find and clear these deeper layers, I learned muscle testing from the Yuen Method of Chinese Energetics that helps uncover subconscious resistances. Muscle testing was quite a powerful experience, teaching me to intuitively talk to the body to find and release unconscious ancestral conditioning and forgotten traumas that are decades-old or generational programs located in different body areas.

My Personal “Should”: Loved Ones Should See My Good Intentions

For example, I used to hate it when my father made negative assumptions about my good intentions or deeds. Instead of appreciating my efforts, he would criticize them, leaving me with the feeling that no matter how hard I tried, it was never good enough for him.

This took me many years to work through, and each year, with each trigger, I discovered so much conditioning. I would have emotional meltdowns; my body would be tense and angry, just like my mom, because that’s how she is. From working on these triggers over the years, he can hardly get a reaction out of me anymore.

I was essentially reacting in a hardwired way. When my father made negative assumptions about my mom, she would often respond with emotional meltdowns and angry outbursts. I realized I had inherited the same pattern.

Over the years, each time my father pushed a button, I had to do continuous work on the different layers of conditioned reactions in specific areas of the body. His button-pushing became a gift: it constantly revealed more hidden layers of emotional reactivity.

These days, if he makes negative assumptions, it might still bother me a little, but it’s nothing like the angry, hateful emotional reactions I used to have. If my body still reacts slightly, it’s giving me feedback, making me aware that there is still unconscious conditioning that needs to be released.

If you do this work, over time, you will notice your loved ones may still push the same buttons and sometimes even say unkind words or behave in ways that used to deeply hurt you. But your triggers and reactivity can be significantly reduced.

You won’t take their words or actions as personally anymore. Instead, there’s a growing sense of love and acceptance—for yourself, the situation, and your loved ones, regardless of what they do. Doing this work feels like moving closer to unconditional love, or at least as close as we can get.

The Ongoing Unfolding of Acceptance

This process taught me that accepting what is isn’t a one-time breakthrough. It’s a slow unwinding of everything we were taught to expect, demand, or resist. It’s a return to what’s actually here, moment by moment, breath by breath.

Even now, I still get triggered. But I’m better at meeting those moments with curiosity instead of judgment. I know the signs in my body. I can feel when something hasn’t been grieved yet.

If you’re like me, if you have a long list of “shoulds” about yourself, about others, about life, maybe it’s time to sit with them. To feel where they land in your body. To grieve the life you thought was supposed to happen.

Because healing doesn’t come from controlling life. It comes from letting go of the fight against it. It comes from feeling into what is, with an open heart and a patient presence.

About Paul Wong

Paul Wong is the founder of Chinese Energetics, a method he’s practiced for over fifteen years to help high-performing professionals release chronic stress and insecurities rooted in generational and early life imprints. His work supports a return to clarity, emotional stability, and grounded inner power. Paul offers live workshops, online classes, and personalized sessions. Learn more at www.chineseenergetics.com or contact him at paul@chineseenergetics.com.

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When you try to control too much, you enjoy too little.

This morning I met up with an old friend, someone whom I care about deeply but have internally struggled with for years because I’ve always been worried about her health.

I want to help her heal, because I feel I’m losing her.

I want to teach her the time-tested tools for living a happier, simpler, healthier life that I’ve helped so many other people with — so she can give up her addictions, take up exercise and mindfulness, nurture her needs, and be transformed into a healthy person again.

But that’s not reality. I want to control something that frightens me, but I can’t do anything about it. Because I’m not in control of anyone but myself. I want to help my friend, but she’s not interested in being helped. She has actually told me so a dozen times in the past.

So today, I let go.

Not “let go” as in “let her go.” I “let go” as in I stopped trying to control, stopped trying to change her, and instead took a deep breath and accepted her for exactly who she is.

And guess what? Who she is… is a blessing. Who she is… is someone so ridiculously special and unique I have a hard time expressing it. She’s hilarious and passionate and compassionate and wise and wild and thoughtful and loyal… and did I mention wild?

I let go and accepted her as she is, and only then could I actually enjoy all of her, instead of worrying about losing her or changing her ways.

And this, I’ve learned, is the best way to be in all walks of life.

We can stop trying to change and control people, and just let go and dissolve into their presence… just notice who they are, just appreciate every idiosyncratic quirk. We can stop complaining about our everyday life circumstances, about our little frustrations, about how the world is, and just lean in and accept what is…

Of course, that’s all easier said than done sometimes, but here’s what we receive in life when we do:

1. We gradually fall in love with people for who they truly are.

It’s OK to disagree with the thoughts or opinions expressed by those you love. But that doesn’t give you the right to deny any sense they might make. Nor does it give you a right to accuse them of poorly expressing their beliefs just because you don’t like what they’re saying. Learn to recognize interesting perspectives, lifestyles, and opinions, even if it means overcoming your pride and opening your mind beyond what’s comfortable.

Truth be told, we don’t know most people half as well as we believe we do; and truly knowing someone is a big part of what makes them amazing.

Love is about letting those we care about be unapologetically themselves, and not distorting them to fit our own egotistical ideas of who we think they should be.

2. We grow beyond life’s perpetual misunderstandings.

How often have you been misunderstood? How often has the direction of your life been shaped by such misunderstandings?

Think about it. How many opportunities have you been denied — or, for that matter, been granted — because someone failed to understand you completely? How many friends have you lost, and how many have you gained, because they saw a glimpse of some part of your personality that shone through for only a short time?

How often has your life been driven by misunderstandings and illusions — like someone seeing mirages of water shimmering at the far bend of a highway, and then vanishing moments later? And how often have these misunderstandings and illusions disappointed you or stressed you out because you thought you could control the way everyone sees you?

The truth is, people will see what they want to see whether you worry about it or not.

It’s time to let go of trying to control how everyone perceives you.

It’s time to just do the best you can.

3. We get to enjoy more of the peace that’s already within us.

The Greek philosopher Epictetus said it perfectly more than 2,000 years ago: “People are disturbed, not by things (that happen to them), but by the principles and opinions which they form concerning (those) things. When we are hindered, or disturbed, or grieved, let us never attribute it to others, but to ourselves; that is, to our own principles and opinions.”

The bottom line is that how people react to events is determined predominantly by their view of the events, not the events themselves. On the average day, somewhere within us all there exists a self who is at peace. Because on most days inner peace does not depend on external conditions — it’s what remains when we have surrendered. The need for something to be different in this moment is nothing more than a needless worry, and worries like this simply lead us in circles.

Peace of mind arrives almost anyplace and anytime, the moment you come to peace with what’s on your mind. And that only happens when you let go of the need for things to be different than they are. (Read “Loving What Is”.)

4. We learn more about how life really works.

When you attempt to control the uncontrollable you automatically block yourself from the truth. You resist how everything works rather than learning about it. So here’s a simple challenge for you: Instead of trying to make things work exactly the way you want them to work, just watch them work today.

I bet you’ll learn much more about human nature and the inner workings of the world around you. As you see things working without you controlling them, the way you see what you see will gradually change. Because you will gradually change. You will begin to understand that things are often a little different than you wanted them to be. And that it’s perfectly OK, because that’s reality.

5. We experience more of life’s pleasant surprises.

Would you really want to be in 100% control of everything, and know your future every step of the way?

If you’re thinking “yes,” think again. Not knowing is one of life’s greatest gifts.

Life is so full of unpredictable beauty and magnificent surprises. And sometimes the sudden, unexpected arrival of this beauty is almost too much to handle. Do you know that feeling? When something is just too beautiful. When someone randomly says something or writes something or plays some tune that surprises you and moves you to the point of tears.

Do you really want to miss out on that feeling for the rest of your life? I’m betting not.

So just keep reminding yourself that no matter what happens, no matter the outcome, the sun will rise and set. The world around you is going to spin one way or the other. And there’s no good reason to resist life blessing you in surprising and joyful ways.

6. We free our minds from excess worries.

Let’s think about this again…

What if, instead of pushing so hard to make life happen every second, you decided to let go a little and allow life to happen to you sometimes?

What if, instead of trying to be in constant control, you simply surrendered control to something bigger than yourself?

What if, instead of working so hard to figure out every last answer, you allowed yourself to be guided to the solution in perfect timing?

Yes, you can train your mind to let go, moment by moment. Your your graceful acceptance of life is a choice. And your long-term peace of mind depends on it.

7. We get more of what we want (by doing less).

“If you want to control your animals, give them a larger pasture.” This is a quote I heard at a meditation retreat several years ago in a group discussion focused on the power of changing your thoughts.

I see “the animals” and their “larger pasture” as a form of letting go and allowing things to be the way they are — instead of trying to tightly control something (farm animals mooing and horsing around for example), you’re loosening up, giving them more space to roam… a larger pasture. The animals will be happier — they will roam around and do what they naturally do. And your needs will be met too — you will have more space (away from them) to be at peace with the way the animals are.

This same philosophy holds true for many aspects of life — stepping back and allowing certain things to happen means these things will take care of themselves, and your needs will also be met. You will have less stress (and less to do), and more time and energy to work on the things you actually can control, like your attitude about everything. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in detail in the Simplicity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

Remember, the mind is the battleground.

The mind the place where the greatest conflict resides. It’s where half of the things you thought were going to happen, never did happen. It’s where your expectations always get the best of you. It’s where you fall victim to your cravings to control the uncontrollable. And if you allow those thoughts and cravings to dwell in your mind, they will succeed in robbing you of peace, joy, and ultimately your life. You will think yourself into frustration, into a breakdown, and into defeat.

Truthfully, there’s so much about life that you can’t control, it makes no sense waste your energy on these things and then neglect everything you can control.

You can decide how you spend your time, whom you socialize with, whom you share your life, money and energy with. You can choose to love and appreciate the people in your life for exactly who they are. You can choose how you’re going to respond to life’s surprises and disappointments when they arise, and whether you will see them as curses or opportunities for growth… And perhaps most importantly, you can choose to let go when you must.

Now it’s your turn…

Yes, it’s your turn to practice letting go today…

But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

Some of life’s greatest truths and lessons are the hardest to learn and accept, and yet we must. Because they ultimately allow us to navigate the inevitable obstacles we can’t avoid. So it’s time to remind yourself…

1. Everyone and everything in life is limited.

You can never read all the books you want to read. You can never train yourself in all the skill sets you want to have. You can never be all the things you want to be and live all the lives you want to live. You can never spend all the time you want with the people you love. You can never feel every possible temperature, tone, and variation of emotion in a given situation. You are incredibly limited, just like everyone else.

In the game of life, we all receive a unique set of limitations and variables in the field of play. The question is: How will you respond to the hand you’ve been dealt? You can either focus on the lack thereof, or empower yourself to play the hand sensibly and resourcefully — making the very best of every outcome as it arises, even when it’s incredibly hard to accept.

Let’s take a moment and revisit the notion of being limited by the reality of not being able to spend all the time you want with someone you love. When someone you love passes away too soon, that’s undoubtedly one of the most heartbreaking limitations to cope with, and the general principles for coping with this kind of tragic limitation is universally applicable to less severe situations too…

Imagine a person who gave meaning to your life is suddenly no longer in your life (at least not in the flesh), and you’re not the same person without them. You have to change who you are — you’re now a best friend who sits alone, a widow instead of a wife, a dad without a daughter, or a next-door neighbor to someone new. You want life to be the way it was, before death, but it never will be.

Angel and I have dealt with the loss of siblings and best friends to illness, so we know from experience that when you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open. And the bad news is you never completely get over the loss – you will never forget them. However, in a backwards way, this is also the good news.

You see, death is an ending, which is a necessary part of living. And endings are necessary for beauty too — otherwise it’s impossible to appreciate someone or something, because they are unlimited. Limits illuminate beauty, and death is the definitive limit — a reminder that you need to be aware of this beautiful person or situation, and appreciate this beautiful thing called life. Death is also a beginning, because while you’ve lost someone special, this ending, like every loss, is a moment of reinvention. Although deeply sad, their passing forces you to reinvent your life, and in this reinvention is an opportunity to experience beauty in new, unseen ways and places. And finally, of course, death is an opportunity to celebrate a person’s life, and to be grateful for the priceless beauty they showed you.

2. No matter how hard you work, you can’t have it all.

Eventually most of us end up settling in some way. We let go of certain ideals and dreams, we compromise, and we make trade-offs. We gradually learn that we can’t have everything we want, because not every outcome in life can be perfectly controlled. But if we pay close attention, we also learn that we can make the best of every outcome and still get a lot of what we want in life.

And these realizations collectively lead to an interesting question:

When should you settle and when should you continue fighting hard for exactly what you want?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to this question, but when you encounter a situation that forces you to choose between compromise and fighting forward against the opposition, it might help to also ask yourself:

Do I really need this, or do I just kinda want it?

Being able to distinguish needs from wants is essential. Never let go of an outcome you truly need in your life, but be reasonably flexible on the outcomes you want but could live fine without. In other words, choose your battles wisely, and don’t let perfect become the enemy of good. Remind yourself that what you pay attention to grows. So focus on what really matters and let go of what does not…

Don’t give up 60% of your life working 60-hour weeks at a day job that makes you absolutely miserable. Don’t abandon your sanity for the wrong reasons. Don’t neglect lifelong goals that bring incredible meaning into your life. If you really need it, fight hard for it! But for everything else, let go a little, loosen your grip, and compromise.

Settle on less of the unessential, to get more of what you really need in life.

3. If you want something in life, you also have to want the costs of getting it.

Most people want the reward without the risk — the shine without the grind. But you can’t have a destination without a journey. And a worthwhile journey always has costs — at the very least you have to sacrifice your time and energy, day by day.

So instead of thinking about what you want, first ask yourself:

“What am I willing to give up to get it?”

Or for those inevitably hard days:

What is worth suffering for?

Seriously, think about it…

If you want the fit and ripped abs, you have to want the sore muscles, the sweaty clothes, the mornings or afternoons of exercise, and the healthy meals. If you want the successful business, you have to also want the longer days, the stressful business deals and decisions, and the likelihood of failing a few times to learn what you need to know to succeed in the long run. But if you catch yourself wanting something day in and day out, month after month, yet you never take action and thus you never make any progress, then maybe you don’t really want it after all, because you’re not willing to suffer through the effort and work it’s going to take to achieve it.

But if you decide that you do want it, then take an honest look at your daily routines and rituals, and ask yourself another question:

Based on my daily routines and rituals, where can I expect to be in a year from now?

This question can be helpful because if you have an idea about what you want the next chapter of your life to look like, you have to consistently do things that support this idea. An idea, after all, isn’t going to do anything for you until you actively implement it. In fact, as long as that great idea is just sitting around in your head it’s doing far more harm than good. Your subconscious mind knows you’re procrastinating on something that’s important to you. The required work that you keep postponing causes stress, frustration, and usually more procrastination — a vicious cycle that continues to worsen until you interrupt it with positive ACTION!

4. Owning your truth is hard, but not nearly as hard as spending a lifetime running away from it.

“I don’t think others like me. They like versions of me I have somehow spun for them… versions of me that they have invented in their minds… versions of me with only the characteristics that are easy to like. But that’s not who I really am. And it scares me. After all, who’s going to like the guy that can’t stop second-guessing himself? The guy that cries? The guy that loses control? The guy that hides from his problems? The guy that keeps pushing people away? Who’s going to like the weakness in me… who’s going to like the real me?”

I wrote those lines in my journal seventeen years ago when I was grieving and struggling hard. What gradually healed me was my willingness to own my truth and be openly vulnerable about it. Doing so of course wasn’t easy. Being vulnerable means accepting who you truly are and having the courage to share it with the world. And that’s hard stuff, but it’s necessary! Because only when we are brave enough to explore the dark corners of ourselves will we discover the hidden power of our inner light.

So please remember, underneath all your external identities and unique decorations you are an amazing, beautiful being. You have light to shine and missions to accomplish. Celebrate being different, off the beaten path, a little on the weird side, your own special creation. If you find yourself feeling like a fish out of water, by all means find a new stream to swim in. But don’t deny yourself — embrace yourself!

Be you in a world that’s trying to influence every move you make.

Take the road less traveled when it feels right under your feet.

Do more than just exist!

We all exist. The question is: Do you live?

Own your truth, and live…

(Note: Angel and I explore the theme of owning your truth by using the power of journaling in “The Good Morning Journal: Powerful Prompts & Reflections to Start Every Day”.)

5. Not everyone you trust will be trustworthy, and you’re better off without some people.

“It was just a mistake,” he said. But the really painful thing was, it felt like the biggest mistake was mine, for trusting him.

Can you relate in any way? I’m sure you can.

Eventually every one of us suffers from some kind of betrayal. And in a backwards way, it’s what unites us. When it happens to you, the key is to not let one person’s despicable decisions destroy your trust in everyone else. Don’t let them take that from you. Don’t let them turn you into someone you aren’t. In other words, regardless of the details and what you ultimately decide to do with that particular relationship, the most important decision is who you decide to be after a betrayal.

Do your best to be resourceful. Remind yourself that distancing yourself from someone who keeps giving you negative vibes or unhealthy energy is self-care. Stepping back from situations where you feel unappreciated or disrespected is self-care. Choose to honor your feelings and boundaries, respectfully.

In the end, people will come in and out of your life for different purposes and periods of time. Every one of them can be a teacher if you are willing to learn. Some lessons are far more painful than others, but all have the power to add to your strength of character. By processing a betrayal resourcefully, you are mining that experience for the pearls it holds so you can let go of the rest gradually over time.

The bottom line is that some people will only be there for you as long as you have something they need. When you no longer serve a purpose to them, they will leave. The good news is, if you tough it out, you’ll gradually weed these people out of your life and you’ll be left with some great people you can count on.

So just keep doing your best to spend time with nice people who are smart, driven, and kind. Relationships should help you, not hurt you. Surround yourself with people who reflect the person you want to be. Choose friends who you are proud to know — people you admire, who love and respect you… people who make your day a little brighter simply by being in it. (Note: Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

Learn and believe, in yourself and your journey.

If you only remember two words from this whole essay, let them be “Learn” and “Believe.”

Learn: As in… learn through experience. Learn through your trials and errors. Learn from your relationships. Remain humble, open-minded, and teachable. Put yourself out there and let it all sink it. Then gently push yourself to the edge of your comfort zone, so you can expand it and grow a little more confident and capable every day.

Believe: As in… believe in yourself and your ability to grow. Believe in your intuition, especially when you have to choose between two good paths. Believe that the answers are out there waiting. Believe that both life and love will surprise you again and again. Believe that the journey is the destination. Believe that it’s all worth your while. And believe that you are strong enough to see it through.

Now it’s your turn…

Yes, it’s your turn to learn and believe today!

But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

When you try to control too much, you enjoy too little.

This morning I met up with an old friend, someone whom I care about deeply but have internally struggled with for years because I’ve always been worried about her health.

I want to help her heal, because I feel I’m losing her.

I want to teach her the time-tested tools for living a happier, simpler, healthier life that I’ve helped so many other people with — so she can give up her addictions, take up exercise and mindfulness, nurture her needs, and suddenly be transformed into a healthy person again.

But that’s not reality. I want to control something that frightens me, but I can’t do anything about it. Because I’m not in control of anyone but myself. I want to help my friend, but she’s not interested in being helped. She has actually told me so a dozen times in the past.

So today, I let go.

Not “let go” as in “let her go.” I “let go” as in I stopped trying to control, stopped trying to change her, and instead took a deep breath and accepted her for exactly who she is.

And guess what? Who she is… is a blessing. Who she is… is something so ridiculously special and unique I have a hard time expressing it. She’s hilarious and passionate and compassionate and wise and wild and thoughtful and loyal… and did I mention wild?

I let go, and accepted her whole truth, and only then could I actually enjoy all of her, instead of worrying about losing her or changing her ways.

And this, I’ve learned, is the best way to be in all walks of life.

We can stop trying to change and control people, and just let go and dissolve into their presence… just notice who they are, just appreciate every idiosyncratic quirk. We can stop complaining about our everyday life circumstances, about our little frustrations, about how the world is, and just lean in and love what is…

Of course, that’s all easier said than done sometimes, but here’s what we get in life when we do:

1. We gradually fall in love with people for who they truly are.

It’s OK to disagree with the thoughts or opinions expressed by those you love. But that doesn’t give you the right to deny any sense they might make. Nor does it give you a right to accuse them of poorly expressing their beliefs just because you don’t like what they’re saying. Learn to recognize interesting perspectives, lifestyles, and opinions, even if it means overcoming your pride and opening your mind beyond what’s comfortable.

Truth be told, we don’t know most people half as well as we believe we do; and truly knowing someone is a big part of what makes them amazing.

Love is about letting those we care about be unapologetically themselves, and not distorting them to fit our own egotistical ideas of who we think they should be.

2. We grow beyond life’s perpetual misunderstandings.

How often have you been misunderstood? How often has the direction of your life been shaped by such misunderstandings?

Think about it. How many opportunities have you been denied — or, for that matter, been granted — because someone failed to understand you completely? How many friends have you lost, and how many have you gained, because they saw a glimpse of some part of your personality that shone through for only a short time?

How often has your life been driven by misunderstandings and illusions — like someone seeing mirages of water shimmering at the far bend of a highway, and then vanishing moments later? And how often have these misunderstandings and illusions disappointed you or stressed you out because you thought you could control the way everyone sees you?

The truth is, people will see what they want to see whether you worry about it or not.

It’s time to let go of trying to control how everyone perceives you.

It’s time to just do the best you can.

3. We get to enjoy more of the peace that’s already within us.

The Greek philosopher Epictetus said it perfectly more than 2,000 years ago: “People are disturbed, not by things (that happen to them), but by the principles and opinions which they form concerning (those) things. When we are hindered, or disturbed, or grieved, let us never attribute it to others, but to ourselves; that is, to our own principles and opinions.”

The bottom line is that how people react to events is determined predominantly by their view of the events, not the events themselves. On the average day, somewhere within us all there exists a self who is at peace. Because on most days inner peace does not depend on external conditions — it’s what remains when we have surrendered. The need for something to be different in this moment is nothing more than an egotistic worry, and worries like this simply lead us in circles.

Peace of mind arrives almost anyplace and anytime, the moment you come to peace with what’s on your mind. It happens when you let go of the need for things to be different than they are. (Read “Loving What Is”.)

4. We learn more about how life really works.

When you attempt to control the uncontrollable you automatically block yourself from the truth. You resist how everything works rather than learning about it. So here’s a simple challenge for you: Instead of trying to make things work exactly the way you want them to work, just watch them work today.

I bet you’ll learn much more about human nature and the inner workings of the world. As you see things working without you controlling them, the way you see what you see will gradually change. Because YOU will gradually change. You will begin to understand that things are a little different than you wanted them to be. And that it’s perfectly OK for the most part.

5. We experience more of life’s pleasant surprises.

Would you really want to be in 100% control of everything, and know your future every step of the way?

If you’re thinking, “yes,” think again. Not knowing is one of the greatest gifts.

Life is so full of unpredictable beauty and magnificent surprises. And sometimes the sudden, unexpected arrival of this beauty is almost too much to handle. Do you know that feeling? When something is just too beautiful. When someone randomly says something or writes something or plays some tune that surprises you and moves you to the point of tears.

Do you really want to miss out on that feeling for the rest of your life? I’m betting not.

So just keep reminding yourself that no matter what happens, no matter the outcome, the sun will rise and set. The world around you is going to spin one way or the other. And there’s no good reason to resist life blessing you in surprising and joyful ways.

6. We free our minds from excess worries.

Think about it…

What if, instead of pushing so hard to make life happen every second, you decided to let go a little and allow life to happen to you sometimes?

What if, instead of trying to be in constant control, you simply surrendered control to something bigger than yourself?

What if, instead of working so hard to figure out every last answer, you allowed yourself to be guided to the solution in perfect timing?

Yes, you can train your mind to let go, moment by moment. Your positivity — your graceful acceptance of life — is a choice. And your long-term happiness depends on it.

7. We get more of what we want (by doing less).

“If you want to control your animals, give them a larger pasture.” This is a quote I heard at a meditation retreat several years ago in a group discussion focused on the power of changing your thoughts.

I see “the animals” and their “larger pasture” as a form of letting go and allowing things to be the way they are — instead of trying to tightly control something, you’re loosening up, giving it more space, a larger pasture. The animals will be happier — they will roam around and do what they naturally do. And yet your needs will be met too — you will have more space to be at peace with the way the animals are.

This same philosophy holds true for many aspects of life — stepping back and allowing certain things to happen means these things will take care of themselves, and your needs will also be met. You will have less stress (and less to do), and more time and energy to work on the things that truly matter — the things you actually can control — like your attitude about everything. (Marc and I discuss this in detail in the Simplicity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

Remember, the mind is your battleground.

The mind the place where the greatest conflict resides. It’s where half of the things you thought were going to happen, never did happen. It’s where your expectations always get the best of you. It’s where you fall victim to your cravings to control the uncontrollable.

And if you allow those thoughts and cravings to dwell in your mind, they will succeed in robbing you of peace, joy, and ultimately your life. You will think yourself into a nervous breakdown, into depression, and into defeat.

Truthfully, there’s so much about life that you can’t control, it makes no sense waste your energy on these things and then neglect everything you CAN control.

You can decide how you spend your time, whom you socialize with, whom you share your life, money and energy with. You can choose to love and appreciate the people in your life for exactly who they are. You can choose how you’re going to respond to surprises and disappointments when they arise, and whether you will see them as curses or opportunities for emotional growth…

And most importantly, you can choose to let go of control and adjust your attitude, which dictates pretty much everything else.

Now, it’s your turn…

Yes, it’s your turn to practice letting go today…

But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.