To be a true person is to be entirely oneself in every circumstance, with all the courage and vulnerability this requires. And yet because a person is a confederacy of parts often at odds and sometimes at war with each other, being true is not a pledge to be a paragon of cohesion, predictable and perfectly self-consistent — the impossibility of that is the price of our complex consciousness — but a promise to own every part of yourself, even those that challenge your preferred self-image and falsify the story you tell yourself about who you are.

There is a peace that comes from this, solid as bedrock and soft as owl down, which renders life truer and therefore more alive. Such authenticity of aliveness, such fidelity to the tessellated wholeness of your personhood, may be the crux of what we call “the good life.”

That is what the pioneering psychologist Carl R. Rogers (January 8, 1902–February 4, 1987) explores in a chapter of his 1961 classic On Becoming a Person (public library), anchored in his insistence that “the basic nature of the human being, when functioning freely, is constructive and trustworthy” — a bold defiance of the religious model of original sin and a cornerstone of the entire field of humanistic psychology that Rogers pioneered, lush with insight into the essence of personal growth and creativity.

Drawing on a lifetime of working with patients — the work of guiding people along the trajectory from suffering to flourishing — he writes:

The good life… is the process of movement in a direction which the human organism selects when it is inwardly free to move in any direction, and the general qualities of this selected direction appear to have a certain universality.

He identifies three pillars of this process:

In the first place, the process seems to involve an increasing openness to experience… the polar opposite of defensiveness. Defensiveness [is] the organism’s response to experiences which are perceived or anticipated as threatening, as incongruent with the individual’s existing picture of himself, or of himself in relationship to the world. These threatening experiences are temporarily rendered harmless by being distorted in awareness, or being denied to awareness. I quite literally cannot see, with accuracy, those experiences, feelings, reactions in myself which are significantly at variance with the picture of myself which I already possess.

The necessary illusions Oliver Sacks wrote of are a form of that defensiveness — they help us bear the disillusionments difficult to bear: that we are invulnerable, immortal, congruent with our self-image — and yet they render us captives of the dream of ourselves, unfree to live the reality of our own complexity. Rogers writes:

If a person could be fully open to his experience, however, every stimulus — whether originating within the organism or in the environment — would be freely relayed through the nervous system without being distorted by any defensive mechanism. There would be no need of the mechanism of “subception” whereby the organism is forewarned of any experience threatening to the self. On the contrary, whether the stimulus was the impact of a configuration of form, color, or sound in the environment on the sensory nerves, or a memory trace from the past, or a visceral sensation of fear or pleasure or disgust, the person would be “living” it, would have it completely available to awareness.

The reward of this willingness to be fully aware is profound self-trust:

The individual is becoming more able to listen to himself, to experience what is going on within himself. He is more open to his feelings of fear and discouragement and pain. He is also more open to his feelings of courage, and tenderness, and awe. He is free to live his feelings subjectively, as they exist in him, and also free to be aware of these feelings. He is more able fully to live the experiences of his organism rather than shutting them out of awareness.

Out of this “movement away from the pole of defensiveness toward the pole of openness to experience” arises the second element of the good life: “an increasing tendency to live fully in each moment” and discover the nature of experience in the process of living the experience rather than in your predictive models, which are only ever based on the past. When you are fully open to your experience, Rogers observes, each moment is entirely new — a “complex configuration of inner and outer stimuli” that has never before existed and will never again exist in that exact form, which means that who you will be in the next moment will also be entirely new and cannot be predicted by you or anyone else — that lovely freedom of breaking the template of yourself and the prison of your story. Rogers writes:

One way of expressing the fluidity which is present in such existential living is to say that the self and personality emerge from experience, rather than experience being translated or twisted to fit preconceived self-structure. It means that one becomes a participant in and an observer of the ongoing process of organismic experience, rather than being in control of it.

Such living in the moment means an absence of rigidity, of tight organization, of the imposition of structure on experience. It means instead a maximum of adaptability, a discovery of structure in experience, a flowing, changing organization of self and personality.

[…]

Most of us, on the other hand, bring a preformed structure and evaluation to our experience and never relinquish it, but cram and twist the experience to fit our preconceptions, annoyed at the fluid qualities which make it so unruly in fitting our carefully constructed pigeonholes.

By discovering experience in the process of living it, we arrive at the third element of the good life — a growing ability to trust ourselves to discover the right course of action in any situation. Most of us, Rogers observes, consciously or unconsciously rely on external guiding principles in navigating life — a code of conduct laid down by our culture, our parents, our peers, our own past choices. He writes:

The person who is fully open to his experience would have access to all of the available data in the situation, on which to base his behavior; the social demands, his own complex and possibly conflicting needs, his memories of similar situations, his perception of the uniqueness of this situation, etc., etc. The data would be very complex indeed. But he could permit his total organism, his consciousness participating, to consider each stimulus, need, and demand, its relative intensity and importance, and out of this complex weighing and balancing, discover that course of action which would come closest to satisfying all his needs in the situation.

What makes this process most vulnerable to error is our continual tendency to lens the present through the past:

The defects which in most of us make this process untrustworthy are the inclusion of information which does not belong to this present situation, or the exclusion of information which does. It is when memories and previous learnings are fed into the computations as if they were this reality, and not memories and learnings, that erroneous behavioral answers arise.

Rogers paints a portrait of the person who has braided these three strands of the good life:

The person who is psychologically free… is more able to live fully in and with each and all of his feelings and reactions. He makes increasing use of all his organic equipment to sense, as accurately as possible, the existential situation within and without. He makes use of all of the information his nervous system can thus supply, using it in awareness, but recognizing that his total organism may be, and often is, wiser than his awareness. He is more able to permit his total organism to function freely in all its complexity in selecting, from the multitude of possibilities, that behavior which in this moment of time will be most generally and genuinely satisfying. He is able to put more trust in his organism in this functioning, not because it is infallible, but because he can be fully open to the consequences of each of his actions and correct them if they prove to be less than satisfying.

He is more able to experience all of his feelings, and is less afraid of any of his feelings; he is his own sifter of evidence, and is more open to evidence from all sources; he is completely engaged in the process of being and becoming himself.

On Becoming a Person is a revelatory read in its entirety. Complement this fragment with E.E. Cummings, writing from a wholly different yet complementary perspective, on the courage to be yourself and Fernando Pessoa on unselfing into who you really are.

Listen up! Dear Media president Paige Port and DITL (a.k.a. Day in the Life) host is spilling all the secrets to building a top-charting podcast. 

While the entertainment expert, who has interviewed Jordin Sparks, Harry Hamlin, and Hannah Brown, is usually uncovering celebrities’ daily routines, ET flipped the script to see how Port manages her own busy schedule.

“During the week, I’m up around 6 a.m. and I start the day with a workout. I usually do a mix of F45, obé, and Form before shifting into mom mode,” she shares. “My husband gets our two kids up and out of bed, and by the time I get home, it’s time to get them ready for school.”

From there, the entrepreneur heads to the network’s office in West Hollywood, California, where she helps A-listers like Khloé Kardashian, Scheana Shay, and Kristin Cavallari turn their ideas into hit shows.

“My day is typically spent in meetings with our talent and team,” Port notes, which includes Dear Media founder and The Skinny Confidential Him & Her co-host, Michael Bosstick.

As for why many stars are flocking to this format: “A podcast gives them the time and space to share their stories in their own words. It creates a direct, intimate connection with their audience that feels both unfiltered and intentional.”

Whether Port is the behind the mic, or behind-the-scenes, she believes authenticity is essential for making engaging content.

“People want depth and connection in a way that fits into their daily lives. … It’s all about creating a space that feels warm, inviting, and curious,” she shares.

“If you’re truly interested, that energy translates and makes the conversation more engaging. … When guests feel listened to and not rushed, they open up and share the most candid moments.”

As for other tips to flourish in the space, Port says consistency is key.

“The shows that succeed are the ones that show up week after week and build trust with their audience over time. Also, good audio and video quality always helps.”

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“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” ~Carl Jung

We all had a wild ride during the pandemic, am I right? Mine included falling in love with a woman. At fifty years old.

That’s not something I expected. But isn’t that how life goes?

One day you’re baking sourdough and trying not to touch your face, and the next you’re coming out to the world and losing half your family in the process.

I’d been single for over two decades—twenty-five years of bad dates, some good therapy, and quiet Friday nights. I’d survived abuse, betrayal, and abandonment.

I’d been struggling to make peace with my solitude. My biggest fear was dying alone in my apartment and not being discovered for days. It felt very possible.

Trying to accept that this was as good as it gets didn’t leave me in state of letting go but in a state of absolute dread.

Deep down, I was aching to be seen. To be chosen. To feel at home. To belong to someone. Then I met her. And my life cracked wide open.

This wasn’t just a late-in-life love story. This was a story about becoming who I really am—about peeling back decades of shame, “am-I-gay?” denial, and internalized homophobia.

It was about stepping fully into my own skin. And the price of authenticity? For us, it was being shunned.

Neither of us had explored this path before, so when my now-wife came out to her devoutly Catholic family, they told her she was going to hell.

They called her an abomination.

Her mother hung up on her and never called back. That was years ago, and the silence still rings in our home.

That phone call still makes my stomach knot. It wasn’t even my mother, but I felt it in my bones. I’d been orphaned as a teen, and I knew that kind of cutting loss.

But this was different. This was intentional. This was betrayal in the name of righteousness.

There are siblings, in-laws, nieces, and nephews who claim to “support us,” but their actions say otherwise. We’re invited to some events and left out of others. They hide the truth from the kids like we’re shameful secrets.

We show up, smile, make small talk, and leave. No one asks how we’re doing. No one mentions our wedding. We invited them.

And you know what? I’m angry.

I’m angry because they get to pretend they’re not part of the harm.

I’m angry because they preach love and acceptance, but it only extends to the people who fit their mold.

I’m angry because my wife, the kindest human I know, cries in the dark sometimes and says, “Maybe I shouldn’t have told them.”

But I’m also angry because we did the brave thing. And bravery shouldn’t cost this much, but it often does.

We tried to find ways to “pass.” To live a half-truth.

We discussed keeping things quiet “for the sake of the kids.” But ultimately, we knew any ruse would fall apart. Four kids have big mouths. And love deserves the light.

We wanted to be models of integrity—for ourselves and for them. So we came out. Fully. And paid the price.

It’s hard to explain what it feels like to be ghosted by an entire family. It’s grief, yes, but also rage. Deep, blistering rage. It’s the disorienting sense that you are both too much and not enough at the same time. And it brings up everything.

All the old stories from my childhood: that I had to earn love. That I wasn’t lovable unless I was perfect. That my voice didn’t matter. That taking up space was dangerous.

Those lies were hardwired into my nervous system. But this new rejection? It cracked them wide open. And inside that crack, I found a painful truth:

Living authentically can cost you people you thought would never leave. But living inauthentically costs you yourself.

So, here’s what I’ve learned, for anyone navigating the heartbreak of being rejected for who you love or who you are:

1. Grieve it.

Don’t skip over the pain. Feel it. Let it rage. You’re allowed to be hurt. You’re allowed to be furious. You’re allowed to be human.

Journaling helps. Venting to supportive friends helps. Finding people who get it helps.

Fear can strip people of their humanity. Fight fear.

2. Build your chosen family.

Find your people. The ones who cheer for you, hold you, and text you dumb memes when you’re sad. They are real. They count.

Thankfully, my siblings were accepting ‘enough.’ They don’t hate. They may not be fully comfortable, but they have never excluded us.

And my Irish wife has plenty of cousins, aunts, and uncles who have heard our story and have shown up to support us and champion us.

Our existing circle of friends never batted an eye or skipped a beat in giving us love and support.

3. Stop performing.

Even if it feels safer. Even if it wins you approval. It’s exhausting and soul-crushing. You’re not here to be palatable; you’re here to be whole.

My four stepchildren have adjusted well because we have owned our truth while staying gracious.

The kids can spend time with their grandma and relatives no matter what they think about us.

It’s their relationship to develop and foster on their own, and eventually the kids will come to their own conclusions.

We will continue to model that love is love.

4. Give your inner child the love she missed.

Your inner child deserved unconditional acceptance. They still do. Speak to them gently. Show them they’re safe now.

This took effort for me. And for my wife. It’s been a process of grieving and letting go—of rebuilding our lives and identities.

Rejection has been a theme in my life, and it hit hard. Especially when I have always longed for family.

But I realize my family is within the walls of my own home, and there is plenty for anyone else I allow to enter it.

5. Hold the boundary.

You don’t have to chase people who can’t see your worth. You don’t have to explain your humanity. You are not too much. They are simply not ready.

We continue to reach out to my wife’s siblings because they and their children will be around a lot longer than their mother will (their dad died three years ago). They live a mile away.

And even though they say they are “Switzerland,” and I say they are complicit, I do know they try in their own ways to walk a middle line.

Sometimes, I’m struck by sadness as this feels like we have lost something, and, other times, I’m open to the ways they show up without needing to judge or quantify it.

The truth is, I still have days where the sadness grabs me unexpectedly—at weddings, holidays, or when I see how tender my wife is with our kids and wonder how anyone could deny her love.

But mostly, I feel proud.

I did something really f***ing brave.

I stopped asking for permission to exist.

I didn’t do it at twenty. I didn’t even do it at forty. I did it at fifty. And that’s okay. That counts.

If you’re out there thinking you’ve missed your chance, or that it’s too late to start over—I promise you, it’s not. You don’t need a pandemic either.

You’re not too late.

You’re right on time.

About Jenn Hoffman

Jenn Hoffman, LCSW is a trauma therapist, writer, and late-blooming lesbian living in New England. She believes in chosen family, nervous system healing, and that it’s never too late to live your truth. You can find her free trauma and grounding guides at www.instarhealing.com.

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Embrace who you are, and revel in it.

Sometimes we try to show the world we’re flawless in hopes that we will be liked and accepted by everyone. But we can’t please everyone and we shouldn’t try. Take this to heart. You won’t find your worth in someone else’s approval — you find it within yourself, and then you attract those who are worthy of your energy. Because when you embrace who you are and decide to be authentic, instead of who you think others want you to be, all the new doors that open in your life will be opening for the right reasons.

So just remind yourself that there’s no need to put on an act today. There’s no need to pretend to be someone you’re not. You have nothing to continuously prove. And if you catch yourself doing so, remind yourself…

1. It’s important to honor your own needs and boundaries.

When you run into someone who discredits you, disrespects you, or treats you poorly for no apparent reason at all, don’t consume yourself with trying to change them or win their approval. And be sure not to leave any space in your heart to hate them. Simply give yourself some healthy space and let karma deal with the things they say and do, because any bit of time you spend on these people will be wasted, and any bit of hate and aggravation in your heart will only hurt you in the end.

Truth be told, some people will always tell you what you did wrong, and then hesitate to compliment you for what you did right. Don’t be one of them, and don’t allow these people to constantly drain your energy and joy. Remember that distancing yourself from people who give you negative vibes or unhealthy energy is self-care. Stepping back from situations where you feel unappreciated or disrespected is self-care. Choose to honor your needs and boundaries, respectfully.

2. The people truly worth impressing want you to be yourself.

In the long run it’s better to be loathed for who you are than loved for who you are not. In fact, the relationships that often work well in the long run are the ones that make you a better person without changing you into someone other than yourself, and without preventing you from outgrowing the person you used to be. So let others take you as you are, or not at all. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes!

By being true to yourself, you put something breathtaking into the world that was not there before. You are stunning when your passion and strength shines through as you follow your own path — when you aren’t distracted by the opinions of others. You are powerful when you let your mistakes educate you, and your confidence builds from firsthand experiences — when you know you can fall down, pick yourself up, and move forward without asking for anyone else’s permission.

Bottom line: Don’t change just so people will like you; keep learning, growing, and nurturing your best self, and pretty soon the right people will love the real you.

3. You are the primary person who can change your life.

In every situation you have ever been in, positive or negative, the one common thread is you. It is your responsibility, and yours alone, to recognize that regardless of what has happened up to this point in your life, you are capable of making choices to change your situation, or to change the way you think about it. Don’t let the opinions of others interfere with this prevailing truth.

What you’re capable of achieving is not a function of what other people think is possible for you. What you’re capable of achieving depends primarily on what you choose to do with your time and energy. So stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. Just keep doing your thing. The only people that will fault you for doing so are those who want you to live a lie.

4. Society’s common measurements of worth are flawed.

When you find yourself trapped between what moves you and what society tells you is right for you, always travel the route that makes you feel alive, unless you want everyone to be happy, except you. Seriously, no matter where life takes you, big cities or small towns, you will inevitably come across others who think they know what’s best for you — people who think they’re better than you — people who think happiness, success and beauty mean the same things to everyone…

They’ll try to measure your worth based on what you have, instead of who you are. But you know better than that — material things don’t matter. Don’t just chase the money. Catch up to the ideas and activities that make you come alive. Go for the things of greater value — the things money can’t buy. What matters is having strength of character, an honest heart, and a sense of self-worth. If you’re lucky enough to have any of these things, never sell them. Never sell yourself short! (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the Self-Love and Simplicity chapters of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

5. Life isn’t a race against anyone else.

Everyone wants to get there first and shout, “Look at me! Look at me!” But the truth is, most of your happiness and growth occurs while you’re moving, not while you’re standing at the finish line. So remind yourself as often as necessary that you are not behind. You are where you need to be. Don’t judge or berate yourself for how long your journey is taking. We all need our own time to travel our own distance.

And don’t overwhelm yourself. Remember that you can’t lift a thousand pounds all at once, yet you can easily lift one pound a thousand times. Small, repeated efforts will get you there…

Work hard. Rest well. Learn to disconnect. Engage in self-care. In the marathon of life, the key is learning to be mindful and pace yourself.

6. The path to success often passes through failure.

You are an ever-changing work in progress. You don’t have to always be right, you just have to not be too worried about being wrong. Screwing up is part of the process. Not getting approval, or not even looking the part sometimes, is the only way forward. If you try too hard to impress everyone with your “perfection,” you will stunt your growth! You will spend all your time faking it and looking a certain way, instead of growing up and living a certain way.

Truly, it’s impossible to live without failing sometimes, unless you live so cautiously that you aren’t really living at all, you’re merely existing. And if you’re too afraid of failing in front of others, you can’t possibly do what needs to be done to be successful in your own eyes. You have to remember that it doesn’t matter how many times you fail or how messy your journey is, so long as you do not stop taking small steps forward. In the end, those who don’t care that failure is inevitable are the ones that make gradual progress. And YOU can be one of them this year.

Now is the time — it’s your turn!

Yes, it’s your turn to stop proving yourself to everyone else, because you don’t need a standing ovation or a bestseller or a promotion or a million bucks. You are enough right now! You have nothing else to prove. Care less about who you are to others and more about who you are to yourself. I promise you will have less heartaches and disappointments the minute you stop seeking from others the validation only YOU can give yourself.

But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Which one of the points above resonated the most today?

Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

Be who you are! Brooke Miccio and Danielle Carolan are known for dishing on all things dating, friendship, and family since launching their Gals on the Go podcast in 2018. Now, as they navigate their late twenties, they’re ready to go even deeper — and nothing is off limits. 

The pair, who have a combined reach of over 1.6 million fans across YouTube, TikTok, and Instagram, plan to give their gal-pal devotees an all-access pass into their evolving worlds. 

“Our lives have completely changed,” Miccio, 28, says. We’ve moved states, gone through breakups, started new relationships, made new friends, and had to learn that navigating your 20s feels like a rollercoaster. … We have grown up and are ready to talk about subjects that we shied away from in the past.”

Carolan, 26, agrees, adding, “Now that we’re both moving in with our boyfriends, making friends as adults, and navigating the complexities of growing up, it felt right to give the show a more unfiltered feel.”

Despite the many shifts, one thing remains constant: their commitment to staying confident and authentic.

“It can be hard to feel comfortable being yourself online. You’re putting yourself out there publicly, and it is scary to know that your content could end up in someone’s group chat,” Miccio admits. “You have to just let go. I almost pretend I am someone else; someone who doesn’t care if others stare at me while I vlog or take photos in the middle of a crowded street.”

Carolan’s approach? “People can feel when you’re being real. … Don’t try to emulate someone else’s formula. Your voice is what makes you valuable. I always say, ‘Act like you’re on FaceTime with a friend.’ … I’ve also learned how important it is to hype myself up — even when it feels silly — and to take breaks when I need to reset.”

This includes handling unwanted criticism on their posts and beyond. 

“I read my comments directly on the content I upload, check my DMs, my emails, and I leave it at that,” Miccio explains. 

“It is your feed, and you get to choose what you consume and how you contribute. Take back your power. … I don’t seek out opinions on forums or gossip sites, because people who spend their time trolling or talking about others anonymously aren’t those I’d want to seek opinions from,” she adds.

Carolan relies on a similar approach and isn’t shy about setting boundaries online.  

“If someone has time to leave hate, it says more about them than it does about me. I stay focused on the people I’m trying to reach. … It’s not always easy, but reminding myself of my purpose and staying grounded in the support I receive helps a lot. Also, the mute and block buttons exist for a reason, so protect your peace,” she shares.

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“In the process of letting go, you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself.” ~Deepak Chopra

There’s a strange ache that comes with becoming healthy. Not the physical kind. The relational kind. The kind that surfaces when we’re no longer quite so wired to betray ourselves for belonging. When we stop curating ourselves to fit into spaces where we used to shrink, bend, or smile politely through the dissonance.

Years of hard work and effort, slowly unwrapping all those unhealthy ways of being in the world, cleaning off my lenses to see more clearly through the eyes of an authentic, healthy me, rather than the over-functioning codependent, perfectionistic people pleaser I had become.

In the process of becoming, it’s felt—at times—like I’ve lost everything. Not just roles or routines but people too. Many of the main characters who once shared the center stage of my life have quietly exited because the script no longer fits. And the scene now looks quite different. The cast has changed, the lighting is softer, the dialogue less frantic.

I’m no longer that tightly bound version of me, holding the tension of everyone’s expectations like thread in my hands. I’m a freer version. The one who doesn’t perform for applause or connection. The one who lives more from the inside out.

And while that freedom is hard-earned and beautiful, it doesn’t come without cost. Growth rewrites the story. Sometimes that means letting go of the plotlines that once gave us meaning.

I’m not going to pretend I’m completely there yet on this journey of healthy growth toward a more authentic, more empowered version of myself, but I’m far enough along to become more of an observer in my life than completely identified with everything that is happening to and around me.

Sometimes, though, I find myself standing in front of people who still see the old version of me—the compliant one, the helpful one, the emotionally available-on-demand version who made it easy for them to stay comfortable. But I’ve changed. I’ve chosen sovereignty over survival. Truth over performance. And they don’t quite know what to do with me now.

And to be fair, it must be pretty challenging to be close to a blogging memoirist. To be clear, in the more than ten years I’ve shared my personal growth journey, I have always sought never to “name and shame,” except for my own epiphanies about myself. But I am writing about real life, and I share it so people who are on a similar journey might not feel so alone; they might find pieces of themselves in my words, and it might help.

The grace, then, in being in the many relationships that surround me, is not in pretending to be who they want me to be. It’s in standing as who I am, without making them wrong for not joining me.

That’s the razor’s edge.

To hold my center while others twist away from it. To love people I no longer align with, without making myself small or them bad. To walk with grace among people who are technically close but emotionally far.

Because it hurts. That contrast between the curated self I used to be—relationally attuned, endlessly accommodating—and the fuller self I’m becoming—boundaried, expressive, sovereign. It’s not just growth, it’s grief. Grief for the roles I’ve shed, grief for the versions of connection that relied on my self-abandonment, and grief for the quiet, persistent hope that maybe one day they’d really see me.

But not everyone wants to see clearly; to be fair, I used to be one of them. Some are fighting not to be seen at all.

And after fighting so hard to be seen, that clash doesn’t just sting—it feels like a threat to our core safety. Especially when we were raised, trained, or wired to find security in others’ approval.

It’s deeply frustrating when people who claim to value honesty and trust really mean “as long as it doesn’t make me uncomfortable or challenge my narrative.”

When our authenticity gets met with suspicion, when our reflections are seen as risks rather than offerings, we are speaking a language of truth, and they’re replying in code.

That’s the heartbreak. And the liberation.

Because here’s the quietly powerful thing: We’re no longer playing by their rules. We’re not trying to control how we’re perceived. We’re just being—thoughtful, expressive, intentional.

Well, we’re trying anyway; I’m not quite there yet.

And that, in a world still steeped in performance and image management, is revolutionary.

We’re no longer seeking connection through appeasement. We’re seeking connection through presence. Through truth.

Which means letting relationships be what they are, rather than what we wish they were. It means stepping around old dynamics rather than trying to fix them. It means recognizing patterns—like the nurse archetype, competent and respected, but image-bound and risk-averse—and choosing not to collapse in the face of them.

I’ve been on the other side. I was that person once, not so long ago, really. Carefully curated. Layered in survival. So my clarity now comes with compassion. But it also comes with boundaries.

Because I’ve earned them.

This next chapter? It’s not about being alone—it’s about being true. Not hiding behind titles or roles or team identities, but standing in my own voice, even if no one claps. Even if no one comes. Even if they misunderstand.

I am the Stag now. Poised. Still. Unapologetic.

My solitude isn’t survival—it’s sovereignty.

And my anger? That sacred anger that rises in the face of denial and deflection—it’s not a flaw. It’s a signal. It tells me where the firelight is. It reminds me of what matters. It roots me in the truth that even when others retreat into shadow, I don’t have to follow.

I can stay lit. I can stay me. I can whisper, “This is me, seen or not.”

And that’s the power. Not in being understood. But in being whole.

See a typo or inaccuracy? Please contact us so we can fix it!

You won’t find your worth entirely in someone else — you’ll find it in yourself, and then you will attract those who are worthy of your energy.

Sometimes we try to show the world we are flawless in hopes that we will be liked and accepted by everyone, but we can’t please everyone and we shouldn’t try. The beauty of us lies in our vulnerability, our complex emotions, and our authentic imperfections. When we embrace who we are and decide to be authentic, instead of who we think others want us to be, we open ourselves up to real relationships, lasting happiness, and inner peace.

There’s no need to put on an act every day. There’s no need to pretend to be someone you’re not. You have nothing to continuously prove. And if you catch yourself doing so, remind yourself…

1. It’s important to honor your own feelings and boundaries.

When you run into somebody who discredits you, disrespects you, or treats you poorly for no apparent reason at all, don’t consume yourself with trying to change them or win their approval. And be sure not to leave any space in your heart to hate them. Simply give yourself some healthy space and let karma deal with the things they say and do, because any bit of time you spend on these people will be wasted, and any bit of hate and aggravation in your heart will only hurt you in the end.

Truth be told, some people will always tell you what you did wrong, and then hesitate to compliment you for what you did right. Don’t be one of them, and don’t allow these people to constantly drain your energy and joy. Remember that distancing yourself from people who give you negative vibes or unhealthy energy is self-care. Stepping back from situations where you feel unappreciated or disrespected is self-care. Choose to honor your feelings and boundaries, respectfully.

2. The people truly worth impressing want you to be yourself.

In the long run it’s better to be loathed for who you are than loved for who you are not. In fact, the relationships that often work well in the long run are the ones that make you a better person without changing you into someone other than yourself, and without preventing you from outgrowing the person you used to be. So let others take you as you are, or not at all. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes!

By being true to yourself, you put something breathtaking into the world that was not there before. You are stunning when your passion and strength shines through as you follow your own path — when you aren’t distracted by the opinions of others. You are powerful when you let your mistakes educate you, and your confidence builds from firsthand experiences — when you know you can fall down, pick yourself up, and move forward without asking for anyone else’s permission.

Bottom line: Don’t change just so people will like you; keep learning, growing, and nurturing your best self, and pretty soon the right people will love the real you.

3. You are the primary person who can change your life.

In every situation you have ever been in, positive or negative, the one common thread is you. It is your responsibility, and yours alone, to recognize that regardless of what has happened up to this point in your life, you are capable of making choices to change your situation, or to change the way you think about it. Don’t let the opinions of others interfere with this prevailing truth.

What you’re capable of achieving is not a function of what other people think is possible for you. What you’re capable of achieving depends primarily on what you choose to do with your time and energy. So stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. Just keep doing your thing. The only people that will fault you for doing so are those who want you to live a lie.

4. Society’s common measurements of worth are worthless.

When you find yourself trapped between what moves you and what society tells you is right for you, always travel the route that makes you feel alive, unless you want everyone to be happy, except you. Seriously, no matter where life takes you, big cities or small towns, you will inevitably come across others who think they know what’s best for you — people who think they’re better than you — people who think happiness, success and beauty mean the same things to everyone…

They’ll try to measure your worth based on what you have, instead of who you are. But you know better than that — material things don’t matter. Don’t just chase the money. Catch up to the ideas and activities that make you come alive. Go for the things of greater value — the things money can’t buy. What matters is having strength of character, an honest heart, and a sense of self-worth. If you’re lucky enough to have any of these things, never sell them. Never sell yourself short! (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the Self-Love and Simplicity chapters of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

5. Life isn’t a race.

Everyone wants to get there first and shout, “Look at me! Look at me!” But the truth is, most of your happiness and growth occurs while you’re moving, not while you’re standing at the finish line. So remind yourself as often as necessary that you are not behind. You are where you need to be. Don’t judge or berate yourself for how long your journey is taking. We all need our own time to travel our own distance.

And don’t overwhelm yourself. Remember that you can’t lift a thousand pounds all at once, yet you can easily lift one pound a thousand times. Small, repeated efforts will get you there…

Work hard. Rest well. Learn to disconnect. Engage in self-care. In the marathon of life, the key is learning to be mindful and pace yourself.

6. The path to most great things passes through failure.

You are an ever-changing work in progress. You don’t have to always be right, you just have to not be too worried about being wrong. Screwing up is part of the process. Not getting approval, or not even looking the part sometimes, is the only way forward. If you try too hard to impress everyone with your “perfection,” you will stunt your growth! You will spend all your time faking it and looking a certain way, instead of growing up and living a certain way.

Truly, it’s impossible to live without failing sometimes, unless you live so cautiously that you aren’t really living at all, you’re merely existing. And if you’re too afraid of failing in front of others, you can’t possibly do what needs to be done to be successful in your own eyes. You have to remember that it doesn’t matter how many times you fail or how messy your journey is, so long as you do not stop taking small steps forward. In the end, those who don’t care that failure is inevitable are the ones that make gradual progress. And YOU can be one of them this year.

Now is the time — it’s your turn!

Yes, it’s your turn to stop proving yourself to everyone, because you don’t need a standing ovation or a bestseller or a promotion or a million bucks. You are enough right now! You have nothing to prove. Care less about who you are to others and more about who you are to yourself. I promise you will have less heartaches and disappointments the minute you stop seeking from others the validation only YOU can give yourself.

But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Which one of the points above resonated the most today?

Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

This Q&A is adapted from a podcast episode of Unscripted With Amy Somerville. Listen to the full episode here.

Personal and professional development may feel stale to longtime leaders, but renowned coach and speaker Rocky Garza energizes the field with new tools and a unique perspective on becoming your best self. 

SUCCESS® CEO Amy Somerville interviewed Garza about understanding your identity, identifying strengths and the importance of vulnerability. 

Amy Somerville: I feel like there’s so much pressure to define our purpose, to define our “why.” How can someone start figuring out who they really are and what’s the first step if you’re feeling a bit lost about your true self?

Rocky Garza: When it comes to defining our purpose, defining our why, like most things in life, we tend to want to be right. So “right” is typically only on one end of the spectrum because the other end of said linear line would be “wrong,” and we don’t want to be wrong. 

I think purpose has multiple faces, and in the last decade, what we’re experiencing is that we keep adding layers or faces to what success, purpose and peace looks like. It’s almost like it’s a moving target we can’t quite hit because every Instagram story is like, “If you are not having a 17-hour morning routine, you’re not going to make it.” It’s ever-evolving and changing. To go back a step: The pursuit of understanding our purpose is growing because we have access to more information, allowing us to know more and discover there might be something even more fulfilling that we weren’t even aware of a decade ago. 

I’ll use parenting as an example. I have an 8-year-old and a 5-year-old, and the purpose in being a parent today is not the same as it was before my daughter was born and my son was only 3. And the purpose of being a parent before I actually had a kid was vastly different than when I actually held my son for the first time. My daughter actually got a different parent at 2 than my son got when he was 2 because I was different. And so I think similarly, our purpose is not a singular point to go, “There it was. Found it. It was July 10, 2024. That’s the day I found my purpose, and it never went away.” We are ever-evolving. It is not a destination to arrive to, so we can check the box to say, “There it was. We did it.”

AS: Let’s talk about purpose as it relates to strength work, which is something I know we’re both passionate about. What is a good way to figure out what you’re really good at? Knowing that it’s constantly evolving, are there tools that you use? Are you a personality or profile assessment type of guy? How do you help people discover their unique strengths?

RG: If I address the broader sense of self, not just strength, I use a process called identity mapping, and that’s a four-part system we created ourselves over the last decade. Strength is absolutely one of those four components. Part one is we do an exercise where we really understand how your brain works and what you think about it. 

I find most individuals are reactive thinkers. What you think about most is typically related to what you fear losing, so most of us spend life playing defense. We’re on our heels.… This leads us to not do what we hope, and we rarely accomplish our dreams. 

If your first thought every morning was about the one thing you want most in life and what you hope to accomplish, you’re going to pursue more of what you really, really love doing. That’s a proactive approach.  

We then do a core values exercise because it’s the most foundational language. We say identity mapping is about creating a language for self. The third component is strengths–the “how” you do it. It’s your muscles, the muscles you’ve been using your whole life. I’m a huge fan of the Gallup StrengthsFinder assessment.  

The fourth and final component is called identifiers. These are words like analyzer, strategizer, challenger, lover, caregiver—all actionable words—so we say that’s the language for what we do. 

I’ve found it’s really, really hard for an individual to self-assess their strengths because every person knows what they’re terrible at…. I think it’s really hard for us to assess what we’re great at. For strengths in particular, the outside assessment is almost necessary… giving us a language to communicate, clearly as we can, our values or our identifiers.

AS: I want to talk to you about authenticity. It’s a straight-up buzzword these days… I’m curious on your definition of authenticity and why you think it’s so important in leadership today?

RG: I would say authenticity is the personal responsibility to have a clear understanding of self. I think oftentimes it gets used as a mechanism to say whatever I want under the guise of “I’m just being authentic” with no personal responsibility for what that means. We could easily equate that to intention versus impact. I think the intention of authenticity is there. I think the impact of authenticity, especially with leaders, often is, “I’m just being me. If you don’t like it, I’m sorry.”

AS: Yes, I think authenticity is used in a way to almost ask forgiveness for a particular behavior. When I was early in my leadership career, I really had a definition of what I thought leaders looked like, and the vulnerability piece was the most difficult for me to get on the other side of. You need the balance of the two—here’s my authenticity, but also let me be vulnerable with you and tell you where this comes from. Let me tell you that it’s not just from a position of winning all the time. Let me tell you what I’m worried about or what I’m challenged by or where I’m insecure and being honest about that. So then the authenticity shows up as a real connection versus “and that’s just who I am, so deal with it.”

RG: I greatly appreciate you bringing up the word vulnerability. Often leaders are good at disclosure, but we’re not so great at vulnerability. We’re really good at information, and we’re not very good at intimacy. And I know that word has a tinge of “you can’t say that at work.” But vulnerability is intimacy; intimacy is a connection. 

The leaders who recognize there’s a gap between where they think they are and where they really are—they know the only way to close it is with their people. But they’re not sure what to do, so why don’t we create an experience that allows us to say, “Hey, let’s do our best to overcome disclosure and step into vulnerability.” Let’s stop sharing the same three stories that we’ve told everybody our whole life that aren’t actually meaningful… Let’s share something that happened last night with our child when we put them to bed that was frustrating, that made us think about how we lead. 

AS: Oh, I love that. With all your traveling around and different roles, responsibilities and positions, who’s a leader that you really look up to? Who’s a leader today who is doing a great job of balancing authenticity with vulnerability?

RG: There’s a gentleman in my life; his name is Mark. He’s in his late 60s and has been a mentor of mine for the last four or five years. Like you, I’ve struggled my whole life to have a mentor… to find someone who wasn’t attempting to put me in the box they thought I should be in. I felt like people didn’t know what to do with me a lot of my life. I value Mark in my life because he tells me often… he always calls me by my name in mid-conversation. He always says, “How are you doing, Rocky? You look happy, Rocky. Are you happy?” He says, “You got a good life, Rocky. Do you feel like you have a good life, Rocky?” His reflective questions often cause me to see myself in a way that I don’t have the capacity to see myself on my own. 

When I think about a great leader, it’s not based on their title, it’s not based on their revenue. It’s not based on what they did or accomplished or what their LinkedIn looked like or if they’re a top voice or whatever qualifier we want to give. It’s somebody who is willing to take time in their life, often that’s in our profession, and help you see things in you that you don’t have the capacity to see yourself—good and bad, right and wrong, positive and negative. They allow you to see them as true. You get to make the determination whether or not you believe they’re positive or negative or valuable or not valuable. 

I think that quality in and of itself is a common thread—the capacity to help someone see things they can’t on their own. You can radically change someone’s life, drive them toward their purpose and give them a sense of peace that they couldn’t find on their own.

AS: Gosh, I love that. We do have incredible leaders in the world, whether they are people that everybody knows, and we feel like they’re talking to us and see us, or it’s Mark, the person that’s in your life. 

Self-awareness is also a piece of the leadership puzzle. How do you address self-awareness? What do you think its importance is? 

RG: No. 1, self-awareness is the ability to recognize my present. So where am I right now? I think that’s the literal sense of self-awareness. Now we translate that into personal/professional development in our leadership space. Sometimes an individual is not in the capacity to see themself presently. They are either seeing themself in the future for what they hope they’re able to do or they see themselves for what they believe they used to be. They then act presently based on an old version… That’s the “I’m authentic. Take it or leave it. I’ve done this for 20 years. I’m sorry you don’t like that” blindness. But I think that blindness is not about willingness to do work; it’s the inability to be present. I think it can be a learned trait though. I don’t think everybody defaults to being able to be presently minded.

AS: So how do you do that? How are you present, and how often should you be trying to get present?

RG: Personally, I think you should be attempting to be present as often as you possibly can. I think a long-term business strategy meeting about planning the next quarter and the next three years is irrelevant if you are unaware of what we actually have the capacity to do today. Our strategic planning meeting is just a thoughtful progression of the present moment, stretched out over a timeline. 

On a personal level, right now, I have a chance to talk to someone that I have wanted to talk to for a very long time, and I am honored to meet you. That’s what I’m doing right now. That’s what my life is today. And so the next part of that, how do we do that? 

I think we have to be willing to sit with ourselves as often as possible. It’s as simple as saying, “Hey, where am I?” I’m about to go to this meeting. I’m about to have some dedicated work time. I’m about to be done for the day. I’m about to put my child to bed. 

I remind myself: You are living a life that you could only have dreamt of when you were 12, and you have built and created a life and a family that you never experienced your entire life. Where are you? You are living your dream, my friend. Be there and in the office and with your team and as a leader and as an executive and as an owner and as a parent… I don’t care what title you pick—be there. The rest of it will be there when it’s time.

AS: Gosh, I love that so much because… it came from one very simple tool and one very simple question: “Where are you?” I have one more question for you today: How do you define success?

RG: There’s a wonderful book called The Lion Tracker’s Guide to Life. It’s by a guy named Boyd Varty. His family owns a safari, and so at 3 or 4 every morning the lion trackers wake up and their job is to go out and find the lions. They find the lions, and they radio back and give their location, so guests can be taken directly to them. He says lion tracking is a lot like life… every morning when I wake up, I may not know where I am going, but I do know exactly how I’m going to get there—track by track. I think success is the piece in life that allows you to pursue where it is you want to go, even if you don’t know how to get there.

AS: I love that a little trust is involved in that and a little surrender…

RG: And, I think, a little journey. I don’t believe success is a destination, and I don’t think success is a monument. I think success is the peace that you find in the present that allows you to pursue where you want to go, even if you don’t know how to get there… on repeat over and over and over and over.

If you’re ready to become an influential leader, join the SUCCESS® Leadership Lab where Garza presents “Co-Create a High Performance Culture,” a lesson in intentionally influencing culture through values, behavior modeling and peer reinforcement. 

Garza is one of 10 experts in this 18-day virtual course for rising leaders who want to lead with clarity, influence and confidence. The hybrid experience combines expert-led lessons with live coaching to provide you with practical tools to build trust with your team, navigate chaos and crises, shape a healthy, driven work culture and more. Click here to register. 

Photo courtesy Rocky Garza

Are you a smooth texter who knows how to keep someone hooked on their phone or are you the dater who doesn’t know that you have to ask questions to show that you’re interested in your match?

It’s tough trying to show your personality when you’re stuck behind a screen and superficial small talk can only be sustained for so long. If you can get past the boring messaging part of dating online, you’ll be able to advance to the pre-date sharing phase when you have a conversation about things that matter to you (either virtually or even on the phone). 

Honesty doesn’t seem to be a priority for many singletons who make exaggerated claims about their lifestyle or level or success to impress the person they are attracted to.

Let’s be real for a minute – the problem with this is not only that it is deceitful but that it also results in a lot of embarrassing backtracking and explaining during the first date, a time that should really be spent enjoying getting to know each other with as little pressure as possible. So, how do we change this and find a way to be confident the date authentically?

Meaningful Conversations

Whether we like it or not, the world has become a pretty serious place over the last year with COVID-19, ongoing justice issues and the global political landscape. The result of these events is that singles are no longer willing to skirt around subjects and ignore them in favour of meaningless conversations.

Indeed, singles are not vacuous entities, and it is clear that while many want to enjoy a coffee and conversation about not very much, it almost feels impossible to achieve this anymore with talk quickly turning to what is happening in the world.

What Should You Talk About

If you’re in a relationship and not a situationship as time moves on you’ll start venturing into conversations that reveal more about the person you’re with. Subjects such as sex, politics, family, religion and health are all on the table and need honest conversations.

Being the Best (and Honest) Version of Yourself

Having the confidence to be an open book when you first start talking to a new match can be daunting, but it is the best way to find the right person as you can be certain that your values, dreams and ambitions are all aligned.

However, being the best version of yourself does not require you to bear your soul before even meeting someone! The mantra you should take is to be real and be honest; if you are uncomfortable sharing something early on, then explain this. Authenticity is the key, and honesty will help you always achieve this.

Transform Your Dating Life

If you are too busy to date effectively, or you just cannot be bothered with dating apps that focus on quantity over quality, then why not let us help instead? Our service focuses on curating exclusive dating experiences for busy professionals who thinks online dating is a chore.

 Connect with one of our team today to find out more and arrange your first date.