Will Our Kids Have a Better Life in the Suburbs Than In Brooklyn?

Q

Since having our second kid, living in brooklyn has become so expensive and cramped, but we have so many friends here, I love the access to arts and culture and everything city life brings. My wife wants to move either to where my parents live or where her parents live (both are suburbs in the midwest) so we can have childcare help, cos all our parents are retired. also she wants to buy a house that is big enough for them to have separate bedrooms, in a neighborhood where kids play on the street.

I understand this financially because we don’t have much savings at this point due to COL, but it breaks my heart to think about taking our kids away from all this culture and from all of our friends, and their friends, to places I’m frankly not wild about, that will have less queer people than Brooklyn, which is so queer-normative. But maybe I’m just holding onto my youth. Thoughts on leaving the city for the suburbs? recently disclosed to my best friend that I watch straight porn and she was massively icked out and now I feel gross and sad. We were having an intimate conversation about porn preferences and I told her something I’ve never told anyone else: that even though I’m a lesbian I watch and get off to stereotypical straight porn sometimes that has certain power dynamics. She literally recoiled and then tried to insinuate this is like rooted in trauma or something fucked up from my past, that it’s not normal for lesbians to watch only straight porn. I felt judged and insecure and tried to walk it back. I feel like she’s questioning my lesbianism. We became best friends in the first place because we were the first lesbians each other knew. It’s why I felt safe telling her.

A:

Valerie: Is there a way you could compromise, if you’re not willing to move to the midwest? Move to a suburb just outside the city, close enough for easy day trips and visiting friends, but not as expensive or close quarters as Brooklyn? I know that wouldn’t bring you closer to your parents, but it might check the rest of your boxes. I’ve lived in NYC for the past 15+ years and I can’t imagine moving too far away from it. I know the temptation of moving close to free childcare is real, and having your kids be able to spend more time with their grandparents, but if YOU are going to be miserable there, that won’t be good for you, your relationship, or the kids. There has to be a better solution where you can all be happy.

Summer: Thinking about uprooting is never easy. I know you don’t want to leave the queer arts and culture scene in Brooklyn. It’s reasonable to feel that. But how does the financial stress and childcare stress weigh against the quality-of-life for you and your family? Your kids won’t be permanently exposed to arts and culture while they’re in Brooklyn. Especially in their earliest years. But they will be exposed to their parents’ financial and interpersonal stress the whole time. And the cramped space is equally permanent. Brooklyn arts and culture is something that only starts paying off for your children in the long-to-lifetime run. Improved childcare, space, and less stressed parents are relevant every single day of their lives.

That’s not to exclude the possibility that you’ll be more stressed if you move away. Moving is one of the most stressful activities people regularly undertake. And it’s always a compromise between a fixed reality and a potential future. This decision is too big for me to call for either side. But I think it’d be helpful to consider what a successful move could do for your family’s collective well-being, not just what you’re losing by leaving Brooklyn.

Ashni: As a Brooklyn resident, I gotta say, I’m firmly on your side. I love living in Brooklyn. Everyone is gay when I walk down the street! Yesterday, I saw an ad looking for polycules to be interviewed for a documentary. But the high cost of living is real, and it’s only getting worse (fingers crossed Mamdani can help us). I really think y’all should weigh the things you’d gain from moving to the Midwest ‘burbs (free childcare, lower cost of living) against the things you’d lose (the Brooklyn Public Library, Prospect Park, The Lesbian Herstory Archives, art galleries, and most importantly, the community that you’ve built). To Valerie’s point, is there a way that you can have most of the things you’re looking for? There are pockets of the Hudson Valley and North Jersey that are fairly accessible by train, that would give you access to all the things in the city that you care about, but where you might be able to find a home with a little more room. Also, the Hudson Valley is gay and artsy as hell. I feel like it’s every other city dyke’s dream to buy a fixer-upper upstate. If you’d rather stay a city resident, there must be pockets of other boroughs where you could find slightly more room for what you’re paying? I don’t see a way out of the free childcare, unfortunately, but I do know that some gyms offer free childcare for like, an hour or two, and maybe being out of the city will give you cheaper childcare options.

Sa’iyda: As a fellow parent (and a native New Yorker), I get both sides of this dilemma! It’s very hard to want to leave NYC for all of the reasons you mentioned. It’s a great place culturally to raise a kid and be a queer family. But holy shit is it expensive! I left NYC in 2017 because it was getting wildly out of my price range (granted I moved to LA, but I digress.) There are so many times I miss New York, but the main reason? Access to free childcare.

Being a parent is very expensive! I don’t know how old your kids are, but I know daycare is extremely expensive and eats up most families’ budgets. And babysitters are also incredibly expensive. So even a date night will cost you hundreds of dollars for a few hours of fun. It’s really upsetting.

I don’t know where in the Midwest your families live, but pretty much every major city has culture. Tours of Broadway shows go almost everywhere nowadays, and will be much cheaper than seeing the show in NYC with the same caliber of talent. There are museums and botanical gardens and zoos and historical sites all over. And there are queer parents everywhere too. They may take a little more time to find, but I promise they’re there. I think if moving will improve the quality of life for your kids (and access to their grandparents if you have good relationships with your parents is definitely a bonus), you should seriously consider it. Also, did I mention how expensive childcare is?

Nico: I know you’re thinking of your parents as support, but what about the support — emotional and otherwise — that you receive from your friends, that and all the other benefits of being near your queer buds. As others have pointed out, you need to deeply consider whether a move to the midwest will affect your happiness and well-being such that it affects not just you, but your kids, your partnership, everything. There’s more to life than a bigger house, and plenty of people were raised sharing bedrooms and turned out no more or less fine than those who had their own.

And you’re right that you’re currently in a queer-normative spot, and even moving a little further outside of the city would still keep you within a pretty queer-friendly radius. It’s not going to be that way in the midwest, so something I think you should also really consider is what life would be like for your kids growing up with queer parents in a more conservative area with fewer fellow queer people and queer parents around. Is there a chance that they won’t feel as comfortable or as welcome? How does that measure up against “playing in the street”? You don’t say how old your kids are, but, another thing to consider is whether any of your kids are queer or trans or might be. If you think that might be the case, to be honest, with the disparity in access to care and services — and the downright persecution of parents of queer/trans kids in some areas — it might be better to stay put in New York State.

With all this, there are schools to consider, too. Your or your wife’s parents could live in an amazing school district — I don’t have access to this info — but it might also be a school district where, like all schools in Iowa for example, teachers aren’t allowed to teach “divisive concepts.” In New York, you’ve got access to magnet schools, charter schools, a whole bunch of options to explore when it comes to educating your kids. I know it’s not an easy decision to make, and that childcare is super expensive, but there are more benefits to living where you are than just the culture and the general queerness — it’s also safety, and education, and considering what supports will and won’t be there for you and your family in the future, depending on where you live. And on the other hand, you have free childcare to consider, possibly a bigger living space, things like that. It’s a lot to process, but I hope presenting some of these things gives you some aspects to consider and research as you two discuss your options.

Riese: It’s hard to generalize about the midwest because it’s such a mixed bag — I grew up in a midwestern college town (Ann Arbor, Michigan) that is as homogeneously liberal as New York City, and there are plenty more towns like it (Columbus! Madison! Urbana! Bloomington! Iowa City!). Most midwestern cities big enough to have suburbs are liberal areas, from Des Moines to Chicago. There will be culture and there will be queer people. But of course, not as many queer people as there are in Brooklyn, and there won’t be as many of the same types of queers you’ll find in someplace like NYC. BUT you will find a lot of transplants like yourself. I have friends who moved to a liberal part of Alabama to be closer to family for childcare help, and they did eventually find queer friends and community, and are very happy there. On the flipside, in the classic Netflix series The Hunting Wives, Sophie moved to rural Texas and then got all mixed up with murder and mayhem.

Butttt you did say you’re “not wild about” either of the places where you have family, which makes me feel like you should stay in Brooklyn or find a place near where your families live that you *are* wild about. Even being a few hours away could enable you to have some help with childcare without being in an area where you can’t find community or schools that reflect your values.

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My Partner Has Financial Know-How, and I Have Financial Trauma

Q

My partner (we’re both in our late 20s) is always talking about things like retirement plans and CDs (not the music kind, it turns out!!!!!) and other financial shit that she seemingly knows a lot about and thinks I should know a lot about, but I don’t! My financial knowledge is not great. My parents were often in debt when I was growing up, and I have a lot of trauma around talking about money in the ways my partner talks about it, especially because I have sort of just always gone through life assuming retirement funds were for people who are not me. I’m responsible. I pay my bills. But I’ve mostly lived paycheck to paycheck in a way my partner doesn’t understand. We’ve been together about four years now and I can see us getting married, at which point I suppose our finances will be more entangled so I do want to make sure I’m not dragging her down with me, but are there actually accessible ways to learn about these things? Every time I ask my partner questions I feel like she’s judging me and it just turns into an argument usually.

A

Summer: Hey OP. Listen, if you’ve been together for that long and things are still moving forward, you’re not a burden. No relationship has truly identical financial backgrounds and experience unless like what, they’re identical twins? Ew.

I’d normally write stuff about how you can approach the topic with her to pick up more financial literacy, or how to learn from other resources but… What does concern me is that discussing it with her leads to an argument. It’s never a good sign if a relationship can’t achieve consensus on finances. Managing resources and labour (financially) are as critical to a relationship’s future as any other aspect. It quite literally gives you food, shelter, and health.

And while there are good ways to learn about financial management as a late bloomer, that won’t address how unfair it is for you to feel belittled when the topic comes up with your girlfriend. You can address the financial side of this situation, but I fear that it’s not sustainable or good for you to always cater to her when she treats you that way.

Ashni: Yes, there are accessible ways to learn about these things! You might be living paycheck to paycheck now, but it’s entirely possible that you won’t be forever, and building financial knowledge now will help you longer-term. I read Ramit Sethi’s “I Will Teach You To Be Rich” last year which I don’t … want to recommend because I remember parts of it rubbed me the wrong way, but it was a really accessible way to learn more about finances. If you’re not already on the credit card train / building your credit, that’s another thing to look into if you can. Summer’s Reddit recs are great, I’ve leaned on r/PersonalFinance myself. I do agree, though, that your partner judging you for questions and having conversations turn into arguments when you’re just trying to learn more is… not great.

Em: Money is a charged subject, but I feel like the social stigma around talking about it is one of the biggest structural forces that keeps money unequally distributed in our society. You’re fighting the good fight by taking this on, opening up and having the conversation!! There is no shame in having different levels of financial literacy, the world and the system is literally set up to have it that way. The fact you are pre-empting that it might be a knowledge gap that could cause friction for you and your partner, is super thoughtful and smart from my point of view. Practicality and pragmatic thought like this is its own kind of romance!

Already seems like you are getting more comfortable being vulnerable and engaging with that money-panic from your past experiences – have you opened up to your partner about this? Perhaps if you give her the context she will be better equipped to reassure you and to intentionally create a judgement-free space as you share knowledge and make financial plans together. In partnership it’s a constant exchange of strengths and weaknesses, and so it’s ok to be supported and be the one “learning” in this domain. I’m sure there are other areas where you bring expertise and pull ahead.

Nico: Why is it becoming an argument when you aren’t very financially entangled, yet? I think that your partner needs to be able to engage with you about things you don’t know as much about with a kind and understanding approach. You have said yourself that you have different backgrounds. As someone who comes from a family where we were often strapped (and my dad has described our circumstances in my early years as “dirt poor”), it is so incredibly jarring to deal with people who have always had a much greater sense of stability. I want to push back at the thought in your mind that you’re “dragging her down” with you. You said that you pay your bills. You’ve managed in the ways you know how. Not everyone has a retirement plan. You can get one when you’re able, but not everyone has the opportunity until later in life, and some people never have the opportunity at all. Honestly, it’s a bad system and no one should need to fear for survival in their old age, but here we are. You are not bad or wrong for working hard your whole life and only being able to just live paycheck to paycheck. Most people are in this situation. Your partner should not be making you feel bad about any of this, and I think that is a conversation in and of itself.

Now, with what you’re talking about, I think your first project is simply some more financial literacy. This should not cost you a thing if you make use of a library or other free source for books. Here is a list on Reddit of financial resources to get your started. Once you know more about the jargon involved, it’s going to be so much easier to make informed and confident choices. Move steadily, but at your own pace. And if your partner can’t discuss finances with you reasonably and calmly, I want to encourage you to consider that a marriage is also a financial arrangement, and that many relationships can suffer from financial disagreements. I suggest that if you are determined to make things work and these problems continue, that you seek couples counseling. Wishing you tons of luck on your journey towards knowing more! (About made up things!)

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7:30 p.m. — After dinner, I sit on the couch; I just can’t stop thinking about the rug. After thinking about it, I decide it’s the right time to get it. I use my Klarna Card to plan a purchase and pay later, so I don’t have to pay in full right at this moment. Making purchases this way feels more natural, comfortable, and responsible because I feel more in control of my spending. And because I can plan a purchase that’s as big as this one, it gives me time to figure out if I actually want it (the answer in this case: Yes. Yes, I want it). $387.33 ($96.84 today)

Was there an expectation for you to attend higher education? Did you participate in any form of higher education? If yes, how did you pay for it?
Yes, college was always expected. I come from an immigrant family, and everything my parents did was to set my siblings and myself up for a future. I was a high-achieving student at a competitive public school, and attended a top state university. My parents participated in a 529 plan and pre-purchased my in-state tuition when I was around 8 years old, making it considerably inexpensive. I believe they paid $22,000 for all four years, which I was extremely grateful for.

Growing up, what kind of conversations did you have about money? Did your parent(s) educate you about finances?
We were middle class but my parents were very frugal, since they both grew up poor in their home countries. Since arriving in the US, it’s always been very important for them to have a great credit score, so they never missed a payment and saved every penny. We hardly ever ate out and only went on a vacation maybe every other year. However, my mom was also able to retire early, and I know they will also leave a comfortable inheritance for my sibling and myself.

What was your first job and why did you get it?
My first job was a hostess at a restaurant when I was 15. I mainly got the job to start earning pocket money for myself. I worked for a few years in the restaurant industry throughout high school and saved enough to buy a used car (my parents’ old car), as well as for a solo trip to Europe when I turned 18 and graduated. I had only been to Canada and Mexico previously.

Did you worry about money growing up?
A bit: we could afford all the essentials but never had “fun” money. I got used to shopping for things on sale or thrifting, which is something I still carry with me to this day. There were lots of times in high school when I would wish we had money to buy the trendy things I saw other girls wearing. I do remember one time in elementary school, we were going on a “Little House on the Prairie” field trip, and we had to buy these old-fashioned costumes, but they were pricey and my mom couldn’t afford them. I tried to tell the teacher I was going to skip the field trip but she insisted on it. We ended up finding something at Goodwill, even though it was not the exact style. However, I’m glad my parents instilled a frugality mindset in me now, because it helps me budget an average salary in an expensive city.

Do you worry about money now?
Yes, more so now. Even though I can split expenses with my partner A., we are both victims of lifestyle creep from time to time. Most of our disposable income goes towards going out, eating out, and traveling. I admit I do also have a bit of a shopping problem (especially working in fashion!) which has accumulated a bit of credit card debt.

At what age did you become financially responsible for yourself and do you have a financial safety net?
At 22, when I graduated. I worked part time throughout college but my parents still helped out with certain things like my car insurance. I don’t have a financial safety net right now, which is something I am going to work towards once I pay off my credit cards. Technically, I could use my 401(k) in an emergency, and both A. and I have supportive parents who would help us out if absolutely needed. But I prefer to be independent and have my own funds.

Do you or have you ever received passive or inherited income? If yes, please explain.
Yes, last year my parents started my Roth IRA and contribute the max $7,000 every year, as I did not want to contribute beyond my 401(k). This is partially a hobby of my mother’s, who has been playing with the stock market since she retired early. She likes to “play” with my retirement money but will give any earnings to me. Win-win.

This neighborhood guide is curated by one of our New York City-based editors who calls it home.

I have long said that out-of-towners looking to explore the outer boroughs should head to Carroll Gardens. This, according to me, is the real Brooklyn: soulful with its old architecture; neighborhood-y and community-oriented; historical yet relevant. The streets are lined with protected Brownstones and shady trees; in winter, the same streets are dusted with snow, which creates a whole different type of charm. The two main commercial streets, Smith Street and Court Street are packed with designer restaurants and old-time bars, with high-end retail and vintage stores. They hum with life around the clock, with friends sipping coffee at outdoor cafes, families lining up for exceptional pizza, and twenty-somethings bar hopping late night. The neighborhood is just 20 minutes from downtown Manhattan which, combined with its dining and bar scene that would compete with any in the city, make it a popular weekend destination with New Yorkers who live elsewhere. It’s even reachable after walking the Brooklyn Bridge—just carry on farther down Jay Street (I did this as part of my commute to the city for years).

Though it may now have a reputation as one of the city’s glitzier zip codes alongside its neighbor Cobble Hill (yes, some of the below will technically be on the CH side of the area, but it all blends together…), its old-school roots are what always capture my heart. Before it became the West Village of Brooklyn, Carroll Gardens was an Italian stronghold. Today, century-old delis and bakeries where old timers still swap stories in their Sicilian dialect hold their own amongst the newer openings like Rachel Comey. Like the best of New York, Carroll Gardens doesn’t forget its origins. It just learns to make space for what comes next.

7:30 a.m. Walk and coffee on the go

I am an early riser and I love to get up before the neighborhood has started to stir and walk the leafy boulevards of Union, Clinton, and Henry streets. There are plenty of places to pop into for excellent coffee including Poppy’s on Degraw Street, which has phenomenal cakes and Hungry Ghost, where I often treat myself to a King David Breakfast Taco. But my go-to, especially this early, is Food You Desire, the local bodega on the corner of Union and Smith where the drip coffee is the perfect New York cup and Ismael and the guys know your name, remember your order and may even gift you a lovely package of toys and clothes when, say, a baby is born (as they did when I had both my son and daughter). I know we say it’s impossible to identify the best bodega in New York but, I think I have here.

9.30 a.m. Pancakes for breakfast

I love an old-school diner and none is more classic than Cobble Hill Coffee Shop, a salt-of-the-earth all-day spot on Court. If we make it to the playground early, my kids and I will stop in here before the morning rush for pancakes smothered in syrup and butter, breakfast burritos the size of an eggplant and again, more of that great strong black coffee. Oh, and they do excellent cheeseburgers later in the day. It’s a refreshing no-frills, honest spot in an area increasingly dominated by the newer and the pricier. If wanting the best BLT of your life, snag a table at eastern-Mediterranean coffee shop Nili, back over on Smith.

11 a.m. Pick up some specialties to bring home

I sometimes pop into Caputo’s Fine Foods, an old Italian deli at the end of Court Street, just to admire its selection of olives from the old country and for the friendly banter across the counter between the loyal customers and the veteran shopkeepers. On grocery days, I will bring home packages of freshly sliced San Daniele prosciutto, bundles of fresh stuffed cheese ravioli, hunks of aged parmesan, and little plastic containers of bocconcini. It’s also the perfect spot to pick up everything you need for an at-home aperitivo spread if having friends over. If that’s the plan I will also swing past Mazzola’s to pick up a loaf of their famous lard bread which is baked there every day early in the morning, and then Smith and Vine which has an excellent selection of organic and global wines. My go-to is a Grüner and Barbera.

1 p.m. Get a bite

For lunch, it’s tough to beat Court Street Grocers for their creative menus and mountain-high sandwiches. I am a traditionalist and love the ham and cheese but when feeling adventurous I’ll do the broccoli reuben (who knew the staple green vegetable could make you forget all about the magic that is pastrami) or the salmon with potato chips which is as delicious and satisfying as it sounds. Pro tip: If the wait is just too long, walk a block up to F+F Pizzeria’s slice window. You will never regret a slice of their Partanna, expertly finished with chili and red onion. And this may be controversial, but yes, it is much better than the square slices you get at Baby Luc’s up the street (no offence, Lucali).

3 p.m. Books, dresses, and possibly a vintage double boiler?

In the afternoons I stroll the area and shop. Books are Magic is a fun and seriously well-curated book store from author Emma Straub, that hosts readings, signings, and more. I’ll explore the resell items and funky original dresses, cardigans, and more at the bright and beautiful Rue St Paul, who brilliantly let you rent the items before full purchase which works wonderfully for indecisive shoppers like myself. And I can’t help but enjoy a good ol’ fashion peruse of the old signage, tableware, and more at Yesterday’s News, which is packed to the gills with just about any household item you could think to resell. Need some antique clothing pegs for the kids’ room? This is the spot.

4 p.m. Snack time

Four words: Rose cinnamon ice cream. This is my favorite (and I think the top-selling) flavor from Malai, the artisanal ice cream shop on Smith Street that fuses South Asian flavors into deliciously refreshing creamy treats. There are a few seats inside, or you can take the cup with you as you walk the block.

5 p.m. Whet the whistle

In the summer months, this has to be an icy cold beer at Gowanus Yacht Club, the outdoor pop-up bar that is a neighborhood fixture and whose arrival signals the official start to summer. It’s lively and laid-back, with a selection of cold beers and cocktails and if you’re lucky, hot dogs or burgers if they feel like serving food. In winter, however, my first love is Black Mountain Wine House, found on Hoyt and Union Street. The space is cozy and really inviting—lots of deep sitting chairs, a large bar, and a roaring fire place. Plus, the wine list is excellent. But definitely go here hungry. The food menu is masterfully created on a hot plate, and the mac and cheese with Gruyèrere and truffle and European-style house panini are a masterclass in bar food.

7 p.m. Dig in

There is a section of Smith Street that has become known as Restaurant Row. It has a wonderful selection of places to eat and drink from cocktail bars like Barely Disfigured to low-key Mexican like Pure Pecha. But I can never resist dinner at Frankie Spuntino’s. This restaurant opened over a decade ago and put the-then sleepy neighborhood on the map. Since then the restaurant has only gotten better. I dream of its sausage cavatelli. The dining room is heavy on woods, with a big, inviting bar. It is the type of hospitable space where you settle in, order the extra dessert, have another bottle of wine, and really make a night of it. Also, its outdoor garden may be the chicest backyard dining room in all of Brooklyn, and that is saying something. In a neighborhood increasingly filled with destination restaurants, Frankie’s continues to be the best. It may honestly be my favorite restaurant in the whole city for its mix of excellent food, hospitable spaces, and atmosphere.

9 p.m. The after (or before) dinner drink

Okay, I time-stamped this 9 p.m. But it could have been 5 p.m., 7 p.m., 11 p.m. Brooklyn Social is the perfect cocktail spot for this neighborhood. It is inside a former Italian social club and photos of that era hang on its walls; the corner table by the door was where the mafia boss used to sit while conducting meetings, so as to watch the comings and goings but also, crucially, never leave his back exposed to danger. The place does on-point martinis and negronis and has a petite backyard for drinks al fresco on warmer nights.

11 p.m. Night cap

More and more fancy cocktail bars may be moving in to the hood, but when I want one more for the road, I head to Boat. The original (and largely, last remaining) dive bar of the neighborhood remains unapologetically gritty. They prefer cash, the lights are low, and up until recently, a pool table knocked around the back of the bar. Stop in for a beer, a shot, and if you are lucky, maybe some whacky neighborhood gossip from the regulars perched at all hours on its long bar.

Was there an expectation for you to attend higher education? Did you participate in any form of higher education? If yes, how did you pay for it?
Yes, I didn’t know there was another option but I was ~academically gifted~ and am bad with my hands, so I would have gone anyway. In undergrad, I had a half-tuition scholarship, graduated a semester early due to lots of APs, and my parents paid the rest. I also did a one-year master’s program, which I also had a $20,000 scholarship for and my parents lent me another $26,000 interest-free for the rest of the tuition. I worked part time to pay my living expenses.

Growing up, what kind of conversations did you have about money? Did your parent(s) educate you about finances?
My parents are super savers who taught me about the value of saving, the importance of investing in your 401(k), and how to be good at credit cards. I also learned quite a lot about compound interest from my AP stats class. My mother also strongly suggested I buy an apartment with an inheritance I received when I was 24 if I wanted to stay in NYC long term. I wouldn’t have otherwise considered it, but am so so glad I did, as it would cost at least double to buy today.

What was your first job and why did you get it?
My mom had been working at the same very small company since she was 19, and she eventually put me to work filing and then processing accounts receivables when I was 12 or 13. I worked there intermittently in the summer and on school holidays (when she had little child care). At first, her boss would hand me an $100 bill, but eventually they cut me checks. My mom made me pay for my railroad ticket into the city and lunch, if I didn’t want to eat the frozen pizzas she’d pack me. My first real job was at a movie theater so I’d have some money between freshman and sophomore year of college, as my mom finally rage-quit her job partway through my freshman year of college.

Did you worry about money growing up?
Not really. We were comfortably middle class and I knew plenty of people less well-off than we were since I grew up in, and then near, NYC. I also knew a lot of people who at least seemed better off than us, but in the end they got cars on their 16th birthdays and expensive Abercrombie clothes, while I graduated from an expensive private school with no student debt. In retrospect, I’m thankful for my parents’ priorities. As I mentioned, my mom quit her job my freshman year of college, but my parents didn’t tell me until she found a new job months later. I suspect there were other things they hid from me.

Do you worry about money now?
Not day to day, but the future of the economy and the job market as a whole weighs on me.

At what age did you become financially responsible for yourself and do you have a financial safety net?
More or less since I graduated undergrad. I’ve been paying my rent and for all normal expenses except my cell phone bill (though my mom is retiring next month, so TBD how much longer I get to ride this gravy train). That said, my parents also lent me a lot of money to go to grad school and more recently to redo my kitchen, even though in both instances I planned and expected to take out a real loan. At this point, I’ve had a good salary for a few years, plenty of savings and investments, and they are retired so I am my own safety net. In a pinch, my partner would help out but I have a long runway.

Do you or have you ever received passive or inherited income? If yes, please explain.
I received about $60,000 when my grandmother died. I withdrew enough for my down payment (I think it was $30,000 or so) and left the rest in my investment account, which has since grown to over $200,000 with only minor additional contributions.