Why Do I Feel So Weird Looking For Younger Women Specifically?

Q:

I’m recently single after a ten-year relationship and returning to the dating game after all that time. i want to have children, more than one in an ideal world. i am 34, my ex was 7 years older. we were trying to have children when we broke up, but with my PCOS and her age, we did not succeed. now returning to dating, i’m experiencing some conflict and discomfort. it feels very “off” to be looking on purpose for women who are around my age or younger, but also feels like, that’s what i have to do if i want to maximize the chances that we’ll have kids together. it will take a few years to get comfortable with someone and be ready for kids. i’ve never dated anyone younger than me before. I was usually attracted to older folks. that’s not really the issue though because i think with the right person it wouldn’t matter. but i feel like i am objectifying people by doing this, reducing someone to the age of their uterus. it feels somehow morally wrong for me to consider this in dating? Is it?

A:

Summer: Well, evaluating potential relationship partners for whether they’d make fitting parents is one of humanity’s oldest pursuits. If not immoral, it’s at least wildly common and normal.

I don’t think it’s immoral to find partners who fit into your vision of the future, either. It ‘s objectifying if one of your principle criteria is breeding value (lmao) at the expense of their numerous other qualities. It’s not immoral or objectifying if you’re trying to find people who simply match your needs for life. It’s doubly fine if you’re upfront about your eventual need to have children. It’s also imperative to consider your future partners’ agency in this. They get a decision in this too, so it’s not exactly harmful if their plans match yours. As long as you’re not being downright creeptastic or inappropriate about it, you’re just dating with an eye toward your future.

Valerie: Have you considered other ways to have children? Could you be open to adoption or surrogacy? So you don’t have to focus so much on age while dating around? You say you’re usually attracted to people older than you, so I guess my question is, are you still attracted to these younger people you’re pursuing, or are you pursuing them JUST because you know they’re more likely to be able to birth you a child? Because that second option seems like a surefire way to doom a relationship. That said, if you are just changing age sliders on a dating app (literally or metaphorically) and still looking for people who check all your other boxes and who you are genuinely into, that’s a different story. As long as you’re very clear about the fact that you want children, and also that you are looking specifically for someone who wants to give birth, age is just one of the many things we all consider when looking for potential partners for one reason or another. It’s a slippery slope, though, so just check in with yourself now and then and consider the reasons you want children so badly, and use THOSE qualities to help you find someone to build that life with you.

Nico: People can also have kids in their 40’s! So, it’s possible you’re limiting yourself too much, here. I’d leave potential for you to discuss matters with a potential partner, regardless of whether they’re a little older or younger, because every person’s individual situation is going to be different. And on the other hand, I think that exploring the ages of people you’re open to dating is maybe a good exercise. And you can absolutely factor someone’s interest in having kids into your dating preferences. And like Summer has said, you can also make choices regarding partners that are influenced by your life goals — you’re just going to have to walk a line between being normal about it and being too intense. And as with any dating situation, you just want to make sure you’re being careful with others feelings and being honest from the start. I would definitely make this a regular talking point with a therapist, and I would also open up to trusted friends about your journey. There are so many emotions wrapped up in the prospect of having kids, that in addition to being careful with people who you’re dating, you also need to look out for yourself. Good luck!

How Do I Signal On Dating Apps That I’m Looking For a Co-Parent?

Q:

How do I signal on dating apps that I’m looking for a co-parent with the understanding that it probably takes time to properly get to know someone to figure out if we’d make good co-parents? I recently joined dating apps explicitly for the purpose of wanting to start a family but not wanting to do it on my own. I know I can put that I want kids in my profile, but it feels like more than that. I’m looking FOR a co-parent; having kids isn’t just some nebulous future goal. But I also think that could come off as overly forward or intense. Has anyone had luck using dating apps for this purpose?

A:

Summer: App dating with serious, forward intentions can be pretty hit-or-miss. The upside is that if you angle your profile with intentions clearly and openly, you’ll immediately cut through people who aren’t as serious. Basically, anyone who was looking to play the dating ‘game’ or looking for something more casual should simply swipe no, or not make it past the first bit of small-talk. The downside is that it drastically cuts down your dating pool.

In your position, yes, definitely use every function in your profile that lets you showcase your intentions and interests. Things like wanting children, past education, personal info, interests, everything. A comprehensive dating profile is your first impression and signals that you take even basic things like social media reasonably seriously. Beyond that, your bio should at least note that you’re looking for something long-term and committed. That, combined with an indicator of wanting children should signal your life plans. You can write in your bio that you’re dating with the intention of co-parenting, but that might scare off a lot of people because it will be viewed as serious. I’m not sure if bios have enough characters to iterate that you are intending to co-parent, but are ready to go through the effort of knowing a person and establishing compatibility.

Valerie: I won’t lie, I had to read through your question twice to realize by “co-parent” you didn’t mean that you already had children. What you’re describing is just parenting. Wanting a partner who will be a good parent with you is implied in stating you want children together. I know that’s not always how it shakes out, but it should always be the intention when having kids with someone. I think there are ways to talk about that in your dating profile, or in early conversations, that make your intentions clear without sounding too intense. Saying you’re looking to build a family with someone, that you’re looking for a partner in life and in parenting, etc. I even like the way you phrased it in your question; you want to/are ready to start a family but you don’t want to do it alone. I think as long as you’re clear about that, looking for qualities in someone you think would make them a good parent is something you can do alongside looking for qualities that would make them a good partner.

Nico: There are other people out there who also want to start a family, have kids, be parents together — and if that’s your focus, not only is it important to put that front and center so you can find the right person to do that with, it also helps people who aren’t going to be a good fit to self-select out. I do think that keeping in mind that you want to communicate that you aren’t looking to IMMEDIATELY co-parent is important. I think you could say that you’re “looking for a partner who I can eventually start a family with,” or something along those lines might be helpful phrasing.

Kayla: Just want to chime in here to say I have multiple friends (all queer, some trans) who are on dating apps looking for someone to start a family with. It’s definitely not weird or too forward or anything like that. If you want to be even more specific in your dating profile about things like your parenting philosophy, how many children you want to have, whether you want to be the gestational parent or not, if you’re interested in adopting, etc., then this could be another way to find someone who is well aligned but also just to reiterate how serious you are about wanting to start a family with someone ASAP.

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Divorce is one of life’s most challenging experiences, but when your ex-spouse is a narcissist, the challenges can feel overwhelming. Co-parenting after such a relationship adds a layer of complexity that is unique to those dealing with narcissism. However, with the right mindset, biblical wisdom, and a focus on the well-being of your children, it is possible to navigate these turbulent waters.

Let’s explore how to co-parent effectively after divorcing a narcissist and identify some practical advice and guidance to help you maintain peace, focus, and resilience.

Understanding Narcissism in Co-Parenting

Narcissism involves a lack of empathy, a need for control, and a self-centered worldview. In a marriage, these traits make daily life exhausting, and they don’t disappear once the divorce is finalized. In fact, they often carry over into co-parenting. A narcissistic ex might manipulate situations, use the children as pawns, or attempt to control parenting decisions long after the marriage has ended.

Recognizing these behaviors is the first step toward effective co-parenting. By understanding the nature of narcissism, you can better prepare for the emotional and psychological toll it may take and develop strategies to handle those situations.

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Charday Penn

1. Set Boundaries and Stick to Them

One of the most important aspects of co-parenting with a narcissist is establishing clear and firm boundaries. Narcissists often try to push limits or create chaos, so boundaries become essential for protecting both yourself and your children. Boundaries might look like:

Limited Communication

Keep communication brief, to the point, and preferably in writing. Use email or co-parenting apps to avoid personal interactions that could turn into arguments.

Clear Parenting Plans 

Set a detailed schedule that is difficult to change. The more concrete and structured the plan, the less room there is for your ex to manipulate the situation.

Emotional Distance 

Don’t allow your ex’s words or actions to trigger you emotionally. Narcissists often use guilt, shame, or anger to control their ex-spouse’s reactions, but your response can be controlled.

Photo Credit: Photo credit: ©GettyImages/jacoblund

2. Focus on Your Child’s Well-Being

The most important aspect of co-parenting after a divorce, especially when a narcissist is involved, is keeping the children’s well-being at the forefront of everything. Children often become pawns in a narcissistic parent’s game. They may try to manipulate the children or turn them against you, but your focus needs to remain on providing a stable, loving environment.

Be the Calm in the Storm 

Be the stable, compassionate parent. Your children need to feel safe and loved, no matter how chaotic the other home may be. Show them that you’re the dependable one, even when things get difficult.

Encourage Open Communication

Make sure your children feel comfortable expressing their feelings. Keep the lines of communication open, so they don’t feel torn between two warring parents. Remind them that both parents love them, regardless of the tension between the adults.

Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/tatyana_tomsickova

3. Lean on Your Faith and Trust in God’s Plan

Co-parenting with a narcissist can drain you emotionally and spiritually. That’s why it’s important to lean on your faith and trust in God’s timing and guidance. He knows the challenges you’re facing, and He’s always with you, offering peace and comfort when you need it most.

Pray for Strength

Each day, seek God’s strength to handle the challenges of co-parenting. Ask for wisdom, patience, and clarity when interacting with your ex-spouse.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness can be difficult, especially when you’ve been hurt repeatedly. But holding onto bitterness only hurts you. Let go of resentment and allow God’s healing to take place in your heart. Forgiveness is not for your ex, but for your peace.

Trust in God’s Purpose

Remember that God has a purpose for you and your children in this situation. Your strength, perseverance, and faith will inspire your children and create a foundation of trust for them as they navigate their own lives.

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Sanja Radin

4. Get Support When You Need It

Divorce is not something anyone should face alone. And co-parenting with a narcissist can feel isolating at times. That’s why seeking support is crucial for both your emotional health and your children’s well-being.

Counseling

Consider seeing a therapist or a counselor who specializes in co-parenting, especially if you find yourself struggling to manage the emotional toll. Therapy can provide helpful tools to cope with a narcissistic ex-spouse and offer strategies for emotional resilience.

Support Groups

Look for local or online support groups specifically for people who have divorced narcissists. Talking with others who understand your situation can provide comfort, understanding, and encouragement.

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/fizkes

5. The Power of Grace in Co-Parenting

As difficult as it is, grace is your greatest ally when co-parenting with a narcissist. Narcissistic behaviors often demand a level of grace and understanding that can feel nearly impossible to offer. But God’s grace is sufficient, and He has called us to extend that same grace to others, even when they don’t deserve it.

Practice Patience

The journey of co-parenting with a narcissist will test your patience and perseverance. But remember, God is refining you through the process. Trust that He is with you every step of the way.

Embrace Your Role as a Loving Parent

Co-parenting after divorcing a narcissist is never easy, but with faith, strength, and the right mindset, you can provide a healthy, stable environment for your children. Set clear boundaries, focus on the well-being of your kids, and lean on your faith to navigate the challenges. Most importantly, remember that you are not alone, God is with you every step of the way.

Photo Credit: © Getty Images/jacoblund

This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

Christianity.com.

Todd Turner is a digital strategist and fundraising consultant who helps churches, Christian schools, and nonprofits grow generosity through smart, biblically grounded strategies. With over two decades of experience in communications, Todd combines creative thinking with practical tools to equip ministries to thrive in a digital world. He’s the creator of the ClickFunding course and a passionate advocate for helping leaders embrace generosity as discipleship, not just dollars.
Learn more at church-generosity.com.

Originally published Friday, 25 July 2025.