We may have the best intentions when communicating with our spouses. We may have noticed a weakness that latches onto them like a tick, a shortcoming that makes us go green around the gills whenever it rears its head. 

We want to help them overcome and crush it into a fine powder. Because we figure it’s our job to smooth their rough edges. After all, aren’t two better than one? Isn’t it our job to hoist them up when they are tripping?

And while we may be well-meaning, if our manner of communication leaves our spouses feeling demeaned and disrespected, we have achieved nothing. We are merely a sounding brass or clanging cymbal. We produce sharp, irritating noises that make our spouses want to duck for cover.

Devoid of love, our words have neither meaning nor impact. Our spouses will not be stirred to step up or embrace change. On the contrary, they will retreat from us like a turtle into its shell.  They erect invisible walls and keep us at bay.

Douse Your Communication in Love

Paul labors to describe the attributes of love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Love suffers long and is kind. It does not envy, parade itself, nor is it puffed up. It does not behave rudely, seek its own, and is not provoked. It thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. And then the punch line – love never fails!

From what Paul describes, love is an overwhelmingly powerful force. Human hearts gravitate towards love like flies flutter around a lamp. Love draws in like a magnet. Lack of it is repulsive to human beings, young and old alike. When love leaves the room, all the lights go off. God himself used love to redirect the world to himself. He loved the world so much that he gave his own begotten son (John 3:16). There can be no reconciliation without love.

When communicating with your spouse, allow love to be the overarching factor. Ensure your words and actions are kind, respectful, and truthful. Do not be rude or puffed up. Even if you disagree with them, let them know you believe in them and do not despise them. Let them sense that you will never give up on them. Truth must always be spoken in love (Ephesians 4:15).

Season Your Words

Words are powerful. In my dating days, I relished sitting in a coffee shop to listen to my fiancé talk. Of course, he mostly spewed lovely, well-selected words. They hooked me, and before my heart knew it, we exchanged vows at the altar. Words can build or tear apart. The Bible itself is a collection of life-giving words. In marriage, our words breathe life into our union or siphon it. Paul implores believers to desist from uttering words flippantly.

“Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.” (Colossians 4:6)

Our words should be thoughtfully chosen, no matter who we are conversing with. Whether talking with a defiant toddler, the delivery man, a head of state, or our spouse. Season your words even when you disagree with your spouse’s point of view or way of doing things. Drizzle salt and spices so your words don’t grate on your partner. Let your spouse feel understood and valued.

Address the Issue, Not Your Spouse

Your spouse is a flawed human being just as you are. But mostly? They mean well. Assuming they are a person of goodwill, they aim not to hurt or rile you up. It is prudent always to have that in mind when faced with conflict. Ensure you address the issue and avoid labeling them negatively or blaming them.

For example, if your spouse forgot your wedding anniversary, refrain from labeling them unloving, careless, unthoughtful, etc. Instead, say, “I felt unappreciated when you forgot our anniversary.” That way, they know that you still hold them in high regard despite their mistake. Love is not easily provoked into condemning and judging others. It does not easily give up on people. 

Listen Actively

Allow me to take you back to your dating days when your spouse had all your attention whenever they as much as sneezed. You didn’t scroll or peek at your phone when conversing with them, did you? You longed to really hear their heart. Every sigh, gasp, wink, and word mattered. Guess what, years later, this is the type of communication your spouse not only craves but deserves.

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Mathew 6:21)

Your spouse feels treasured when you listen intently, seeking to understand their point of view.  They feel valued when you make eye contact, boring into their hearts. They relish the verbal affirmations you sprinkle in the conversation. They notice when you put down your phone or switch off the TV to prevent distractions.

Even when you disagree with your spouse, please treat them with the respect they deserve. Listen to them intently and mindfully.

Avoid Mind Reading and Assumptions

This works two ways. Firstly, you may pout because you are incensed about something your spouse said or did. However, you don’t raise it with them because you figure they are aware of their error. On the contrary, they may have the time of their life, totally oblivious to your displeasure. 

Secondly, you may interpret your spouse’s actions differently without seeking clarification. You therefore pass judgment on them without hearing them out.  

Effective communication is work. It can be laborious and take up chunks of time. However, it cannot be wished away. We see God inviting sinful Israel to approach Him so they would reason together (Isaiah 1:18). God was ready for a conversation. Each party would get ample time to state its case. There would be no assumptions.

Similarly, no matter how incensed you may be against your spouse, don’t assume their intentions or attempt to read their mind. Talk to them and let them explain their words or actions. When love is the overarching factor in our communication, conflict inadvertently leads to growth. 

Photo credit: GettyImages/bernardbodo  

Keren is a freelance writer who digs up the wisdom nestled in God’s word as she weighs in on parenting, marriage, and a plethora of life issues. Read more of her work in her newsletter Wisdom Trails.

Signs Your Marriage Needs a Tune-Up

Every couple will wade through some murky waters at some point, but there are usually glaringly obvious signs that keep couples stuck in a negative pattern, rather than moving forward with hope and purpose. 

Some common warning signs may include lack of communication, emotional disconnect, or distributions due to busy lifestyles, work schedules, or family events. At other times, they may be based on intimacy, frustration, or past hurts, causing resentment or bitterness to take root.

Then there are the “silent killers.” It may not be obvious at first, but as time goes on, you both begin to wonder what happened to your love. This is when you may feel more like roommates or become so hyper-focused on certain issues that there seems to be little to no hope in conquering these obstacles.

The truth is that marriage is hard, and it doesn’t always come with hazard lights and warnings. So, when the “check engine” (a.k.a. prompt from the Holy Spirit) calls for us to tune up our marriage, we mustn’t hesitate. 

So, without further delay, let’s get ready to stand firm in our faith by tuning into God and starting to build a marriage that will honor and glorify Him every season.

 Practical Prevention for Newlyweds

Oh, the smell of a new car can bring on a wave of excitement like no other. Its shiny exterior, with no mud on the tires and a pristine interior, presents new opportunities and limitless possibilities. It’s easy to believe that tune-ups are not really necessary at this stage, but charting into this new and unknown territory requires forethought, prayer, and purposeful intention.

Prevention is key, and understanding God’s design for marriage will guard your hearts and minds from the ways of this world. You must know God’s view on love and marriage. First, God created marriage for a man and woman to be joined together to become “one flesh” under His authority (Genesis 2:24). As both of you submit to Christ (Ephesians 5:21) and serve one another in love while embracing your roles, you invite God to be the head of your marriage.

That said, we mustn’t fail to address contentions that usually pop up in a newly formed marriage. Many conflicts fall into finance, intimacy, or unmet expectations. Openly discuss these issues by sharing your honest heart about what you expect from your union and listening to your spouse’s heart. Read Proverbs 3:9, Song of Solomon 1:2-4, and Colossians 3:14 for more guidance and invite God into those conversations by praying together, seeking His will and way.

Managing and Maintaining Marriage in Midlife  

The highs and lows of midlife can be exhilarating and yet extremely exhausting. One minute you’re driving around a bunch of rowdy toddlers to the park with smashed goldfish all over the car seats, and then the next thing you know, you are tearfully watching them back out of the driveway. Lots of things have happened over the years. It’s a wild and emotional ride. Marriages can be tested in this season, which is why managing and maintaining your sacred union intentionally is so crucial. 

God not only calls us into a purposeful partnership, but because of His great love for us, He calls us to procreate (Genesis 1:28). However, Psalm 113:9 states that God’s plans are unique and that command varies from couple to couple. As we foster the next generation, according to God’s plan, we must realize this comes with a huge responsibility and can place undue stress on a marriage. It can cause us to mix up our priorities as we place our children and their needs above our precious spouse. 

To revive a marriage that has become consumed with busyness, the kiddos, or has just become stale over time, we must shift our focus and put the spotlight back on Jesus. He must be the center of our marriage, or it will easily succumb to the heavy burdens this season brings—yes, even if they are good burdens, such as those tiny humans you created together.

If your marriage is encountering some bumps, read Ephesians 5:21-33 out loud together. Discuss it, and then share what God commands for a husband and wife. Make a promise to do your best to live it out, even if it comes with stumbling into God’s goodness and grace – daily. Remember that marriage, God’s way, serves one main purpose: to sanctify us and make us more like Christ! That comes with fine-tuning.

This week, maintain your marriage by putting God first, and then fan the flames in your union by falling in love with one another again. Mark the calendar with a date night and go have fun together! 

Tender Loving Care for Classic Marriages 

My dad loves cars and owns several classics, including a 1984 Corvette and a 1956 Thunderbird. He has been buying and selling old cars since I was a little girl. I even had the privilege of attending several car auctions with him growing up. He used to always say you can tell if a classic car is in good shape by the hum of the engine. So, I would bend down and listen as they revved up!

I believe the same is true for our marriages. You may be led to believe your marriage is all set, so you might as well place it on cruise control. After all, you and your sweetie are in a comfortable season and have settled down. You’re both set in your ways and see no reason to change or mix things up. Yet, make no mistake about it, that engine (your marriage) still needs to be revved from time to time, and you need to be given lots of tender, loving care to stay together in one piece. 

First, it’s important to recognize the beauty of this season. If your marriage has reached this point, against all odds, that is truly worth celebrating! Honor that and thank God for His abundant blessing over your marriage. At the same time, realize that there are some things you can do as empty nesters that will allow you to continue to keep God first and lead you both with purpose. Now is the time to be intentional about connecting and communicating your needs and finding a place to enjoy life together – just the two of you.

Romans 12:10 says to be devoted to one another. Ephesians 4:32 reminds us to embrace kindness, and Philippians 2:2-4 calls for us to share joy and mutual respect. Live out these truths in your marriage and rekindle your love with choices that honor one another. You can enjoy this time by taking up a fun hobby or traveling to places you’ve put off. Maybe consider serving as a mentor couple in your church, as your love story would significantly impact this younger generation. 

O God, we are so thankful that you offer us the precious gift of marriage. Please provide ways to honor and glorify You as we serve and love our spouse. If we need a tune-up, help us turn to You and seek Your wisdom so that we can find our way back to the love story You first created when we said, “I do.” We love because You first loved us, and for that, we are forever grateful. Amen.

Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/FatCamera

Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy.  Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.