How to Put Love First When It’s Hard: Practical Tips for Stronger Relationships

Does it ever feel like you’re saying the same things on repeat? When it comes to online dating, you probably are. Lots of singles suffer from “online dating fatigue”, especially when it comes to that all-important first message. Without an effective first message, you won’t get a response and, even after that, you need to understand the etiquette involved with the messages that follow.

If you’re already getting bored just thinking about it, here are our top tips to make your first message spark some interest and how to keep that attentiveness going.

1. Always Ask Questions

How many times have you logged in to your dating profile to find that someone has simply said “Hey”? As far as openers go, that’s the worst of the worst. There’s nothing to suggest the sender has any interest in them beyond spraying a heap of profiles with the same one-word intro to try and snag a response. Most of the time, that’ll be ignored because you’ve given the other online dater nothing to work with. But if you ask a question? Well, you’re hugely increasing your chances. However, there are a few caveats on this too. It’s very easy to ask about plans for the weekend which is acceptable but something like how would you describe yourself in three words is much more fun!

2. Double Check Which Dating Site You’re On

Different dating websites and apps are used for different things. It may have a reputation for being a good app to find a text buddy or to meet someone random the next day. If you’re on an app that’s known for hookups, the etiquette is a little bit different compared to a site when you’re mutually looking for something longer term. If you ask a question about wanting a quick hook-up on a site that isn’t geared towards that, don’t be surprised if you don’t get many replies.

3. Comment on Their Profile

So, when you’re looking for inspiration for that captivating first message question, where better to look than their profile? If they’re serious about dating, there’ll be something on their profile you can latch on to. Perhaps one of their pictures shows them participating in a sport you enjoy or they list films they like. Ask them something about that! If you spot a nice pic send a compliment over.

4. Make a Compliment

Compliments are funny things, aren’t they? To some guys, telling a woman that she’s too pretty to be on a dating website feels like the right thing to say, but it can have the opposite effect on the woman involved. From the start, you’re essentially telling her that you think there must be something wrong with her in another way because she’s attractive and so doesn’t need the services of a dating website. That might not be how you meant it, but it might be how she interprets it!

5. If You’re Interested Suggest to Meet Up

If you’re messaging via the app, there’s no need for you to instantly ask for her number. Please, don’t use online dating as an ego boost with your measure being how many numbers you can get each week. The only reason you’ll need a phone number is when you’re making plans to meet in real life. Asking too quickly makes you seem pushy and usually feels like an invasion of privacy.

6. But Don’t Waste Your Time

30% of people active on dating apps don’t want to meet in person, and they’re happy just messaging back and forth, probably in quite a flirtatious way. If you’re looking for something serious, however, you don’t have time to waste texting back and forth. Work out their intentions and move on if they don’t match yours.

7. Authenticity Sells

Reveal as much about your personality as you can by letting the other person know that sort of things you’ve been up to and what you have planned. Find out about their interests and the sort of things they would like to do if time and money weren’t holding them back. In terms of time management, it might not matter to you if someone doesn’t respond within 24 hours, but it can be a deal-breaker for someone else. No one’s saying you have to be glued to your phone, but definitely try to respond within a day and, if you can’t, apologise for it. That’s polite, and it’ll serve you well as you try to gauge whether this text chat could turn into something more.

Love is great when spoken, but greatest when shown. Do little things daily to show your loved ones you care.

Yesterday afternoon I was sitting on a park bench in the early afternoon when an elderly couple pulled their car up under a nearby oak tree. They rolled down the windows and turned up some jazz music on the car stereo. Then the man got out of the car, walked around to the passenger side, opened the door for the woman, took her hand and guided her about ten feet away from the car, and they slow danced to a song under the oak tree. It was such a beautiful moment to witness.

This morning when I opened my laptop to write, the elderly couple immediately came to mind. I spent a few minutes daydreaming about them, wondering how long they had been together and what their best relationship advice would be. And just as I caught my mind wandering even further off, a new email from a reader named Cory popped up in my inbox. The first line of the email was a question: “Any good old-fashioned advice for strengthening our relationships?”

The synchronicity of my daydreaming and Cory’s question made me smile. So in honor of that beautiful elderly couple, and in service of Cory’s relationship inquiry, here are some good old-fashioned habits we can practice bringing back into our relationships:

1. Spend quality time together with no major agenda and no technology.

Put down the smart phone, close the laptop and enjoy each other’s company, face to face the old fashioned way. There are few joys in life that equal a good conversation, a genuine laugh, a long walk, a friendly dance, or a big hug shared by two people who care about each other. Sometimes the most ordinary things can be made extraordinary just by doing them with the right people. So choose to be around these people, and choose to make the most of your time together.

Don’t wait to make big plans either. Make your undistracted time together the plan. Communicate openly on a regular basis. Get together in the flesh as often as possible. Not because it’s convenient to do so, but because you know each other are worth the extra effort.

2. Be fully present when you’re in the presence of others.

One of the best feelings in the world is knowing your presence and absence both mean something to someone. And the only way to let your loved ones know this, is to show them when you’re with them. In your relationships and interactions with others, nothing you can give is more appreciated than your sincere, focused attention — your full presence. Being with someone, listening without a clock and without anticipation of the next event is the ultimate compliment. It is indeed the most valued gesture you can make to another human being.

So keep in mind that your friends and family are too beautiful to ignore. Give them the gift of YOU today — your time, undivided attention, and kindness. That’s better than any other gift, it won’t break or get lost, and will always be remembered. (Read “A Return to Love”.)

3. Express your sincere appreciation for loved ones every chance you get.

No matter how sure you are of someone’s appreciation and admiration, it’s always nice to be reminded of it. So if you appreciate someone today, tell them. Just because they are super reliable and always there when you need them, doesn’t mean you should fail to give thanks and appreciation on a regular basis. To value someone too lightly is to risk missing the depth of their goodness before they’re gone.

Sadly, it is often only when we are tragically reminded of how short life is — when someone we love dies — that we start to appreciate the importance of expressing our love openly. Let this lesson sink in now. Don’t wait until it’s too late to tell the people you love how much you appreciate them.

4. Work together and help each other grow.

There is no soul mate or best friend out there who will solve all your problems. There is no love at first sight that lasts without work and commitment. There are, however, people out there worth fighting for. Not because they’re perfect, but because they’re imperfect in all the ways that are right for you — you compliment each other’s flaws in a way that allows your souls to unite and operate more efficiently as one…

You will know when you meet one of these people, when through them you meet the very best in yourself.

5. Focus on inner beauty.

When you get to really know someone, most of their prominent physical characteristics vanish in your mind. You begin to dwell in their energy, recognize their scent, and appreciate their wit. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell.

That’s why you can’t fall in love with physical beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, or want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and your body for a little while, but not your heart in the long-term. Thus, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, most physical imperfections become irrelevant.

6. Tell the truth.

Too many prefer gentle lies to hard truths. But make no mistake, in the end it’s better to be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie. And lying is a cumulative process too, so be careful…

What starts as a small, seemingly innocent lie (possibly even with the intention of not hurting anyone) quickly spirals into an mounting false reality. We lie to one another, but even more so we lie to ourselves most often to protect our oh-so-fragile ego. We may even be inclined to lie to ourselves while reading this, not wanting to admit how often we have eluded the truth. (Read “The Four Agreements”.)

7. Apologize when you know you should.

Take personal responsibility for your wrong doings. If you know your actions or words have hurt someone you care about, immediately admit your faults and face the reality of your actions. Sincere apologies are the super glue of lasting relationships.

And do make sure your apology is sincere too. Say it and mean it. Don’t bother apologizing if you’re just going to continue doing the things you said sorry for. Never ruin an apology with an excuse. Excuses are not apologies.

8. Work out your relationship issues with each other, not with others.

This may seem obvious, but these days it’s worth mentioning: Don’t post negatively about a loved one on social media. 14-year-old school kids post negatively about their boyfriends, girlfriends, and friends on social media. It’s a catty way to get attention and vent, when the emotionally healthy response is to talk your grievances over with them directly when the time is right.

Furthermore, relationships don’t always make perfect sense, especially from the outside. So don’t let outsiders run your relationships for you. If you’re having a relationship issue with someone, work it out with THEM first and foremost. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in detail in the Relationships chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

9. Be a force of positivity and encouragement.

Elevate your inner game. A negative attitude is way below your horizon!

Our way of thinking creates good or bad outcomes. It makes a big difference in your life and the lives around you when you stay reasonably focused on the positive. And remember, being positive does not mean ignoring the negative — being positive means overcoming the negative. There is a big difference between the two.

So encourage the best possible results with your thoughts, words, and deeds every chance you get. And teach this philosophy to those around you too. Help them see the light.

10. Over-deliver on your promises.

Be committed. Commitment means staying devoted, and keeping your promises long after the time and mood you made the promises in has left you. Doing so is vital to your relationships and long-term success in every imaginable walk of life.

In other words, don’t just say it, show it. Don’t just promise it, prove it. Over-deliver on all your promises! Supply more than what’s required. Or as Anne Frank once said, “No one has ever become poor by giving.” Whenever you can, go out of your way and do something nice and unexpected for the people in your life, especially those who are in no position to repay you anytime soon.

11. Be loyal.

Stand by those you care about in their darkest moments, not because you want to stand in the dark, but because you don’t want them to either. Brave the shadows alongside them until they’re able to find the light. On the flip-side, stand by these same people on their sunniest days, not because you want to scorch your skin, but because you’re not afraid to let them shine bright.

Bottom line: Be loyal. Remaining faithful in your relationships is never an option, but a priority. Loyalty means the world to the people who love you. When someone believes in you enough to lift you up, try not to let them down. You can’t promise to be there for someone for the rest of their life, but you can sincerely be there for them for the rest of yours.

Now it’s your turn…

Yes, it’s your turn to reflect on the relationship habits above and practice them. It’s time to fully embrace the fact that as you grow older and wiser, your wish list for things gets smaller and smaller, because the things you really want and need — time, genuine relationships, meaningful moments, and peace of mind — can’t be bought. So do your best to connect with the people you love the good old-fashioned way, and bring more meaning into your life, starting today.

But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this article. Your feedback is important to us.

Which one of the relationship habits or points above resonated the most today?

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