Every woman has been there. You’re dating this guy or you’ve just exchanged a few messages after connecting via a dating App and everything seems to be going swimmingly until he stops responding to your texts. How long it takes for this to raise a red flag is often on a personal scale. If you’ve been texting back and forth every hour for a while, you’ll likely notice that he isn’t texting you more quickly than if you’re just texting once or twice a week as you enjoy a casual relationship that could build to something else.

However, the key question remains the same – what do you do?

Recognise That There Might Be a Good Explanation

Sometimes, if a guy stops texting you for a little while, there can be a good explanation for it. Perhaps he’s had to deal with a personal or professional crisis, and if you’re still only in the opening stages of dating, it’s unlikely he’ll expect you to help him deal with that. So, your first response might not necessarily be panic or frustration – give him a little time.

That said, if he’s a repeat offender, some healthy scepticism might be wise. So, how should you react if you think that he is actually ignoring you?

Don’t Badger or Hassle Him

If you’ve sent one text message and there hasn’t been a response, it’s reasonable to send another one later to check-in. That doesn’t mean you should send it an hour after the first demanding an explanation as to why he hasn’t replied. But one additional text message, perhaps sent the day after asking if he’s okay doesn’t come across as unreasonable. However, don’t bombard him with messages. You’ve reached out and it’s time for him to reach back.

Accept It Might Be Over

Some guys believe the way to end a relationship is simply to stop replying to text messages and the woman will eventually get the message and just leave it. No one’s saying this is a mature way for them to act and it might be painful to accept, but if he doesn’t get in touch then you might have to accept the relationship (or whatever you want to call it) is over. Of course, this is likely to be more straightforward if it’s a casual relationship or one in the early stages. If he’s borrowed your car and you’re texting to find out when you’ll get it back – that’s a valid reason to hassle him!

Remember the Wrong Relationships is Not What You Want

It’s difficult to remember this late at night while you’re waiting for a response to your text, but it truly is better to be single than in a relationship with the wrong person. We’ve all had friends who are in relationships with people we perceive to be unworthy of them, and it’s never a pretty sight from the outside. Repeatedly messaging a guy who has shown he isn’t interested or worthy of you is a clear message that you need to do some work on yourself. Yes, you are worth it! No, you shouldn’t be chasing someone or begging them to return your messages because we all get busy.  So, stay single and move on – you can find a guy who will text back when you expect him to, you just need to keep looking.

I’m In Agony Over a Failed Hookup

Q

I had a super weird almost-sexual encounter with a human I’ll call “Bryce” believe it or not, many months ago, and I think I fucked up and I can’t stop thinking about it!! Everyone was drunk, they were flirting with me so hard, y’all they were playing with my hair? Twirling it around their hot fingers?? Asking me inappropriate questions about if I was a top or a bottom or a switch? Like, all the signs were there!! My friends were clocking, asking if we were gonna hook up. They bought me a drink, they were next to me in the corner of a booth and put their arm up in a way that separated us from the rest of the group! Then they suddenly had to go, and I was surprised because I thought maybe we’d be going home together, so I (drunk, remember!) went outside with them thinking maybe that’s what they want and then we’ll leave together? Somehow, okay, well, I kissed them. On the mouth! They kissed me back but just a LITTLE tiny bit and kinda lightly stepped away from the kiss and said they’d “see me around” and then left to go get the train? I felt so stupid! And I STILL DO feel SO STUPID. I see them here and there. Like should I apologize? Maybe they weren’t attracted to me and I misread it? We didn’t talk much before this night so it’s not weird that we don’t talk much now, but it is a little bit weird. Probably it literally doesn’t matter but I get worried what if they told people about me, this girl who had no actual shot with them, trying to kiss them? Am I pathetic? Should I just break the seal and talk to them about it the next time I see them? I don’t know why I feel so unresolved about something that doesn’t matter. Also they are really hot. Any help you can offer, thank you.

A

Summer: Whoa goodness, just breathe there okay?

I may not be the High Councilor of Interpreting Social Cues, but from what I can tell, you flirted a lot with someone on a night out. There was a drink flowing. You got along. Then shared a small kiss. That’s completely ordinary after vibing with someone on a night out. Since it didn’t go anywhere else, they were not ready to take it further. If there’s been no contact from their side since, they probably don’t want to pursue things further. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you reaching out to ask for a date or talk about what happened and gauge any further interest, but approach it lightly.

You’re not pathetic. They’re not out of your league. You didn’t ‘try’ to kiss them, you did. Their feelings are unclear and that doesn’t mean something bad has happened. Just breathe.

Ashni: I don’t think you fucked up at all! I hope this brings you some relief. Bryce gave you multiple cues that they were interested. Sure, I’ve had the top/bottom thing come up in casual conversation with gay friend groups, but coupled with the playing with hair, buying you a drink, the physical separation from the rest of the group? That’s flirting. I do agree with Summer that Bryce probably didn’t want to go further, which would explain why they haven’t brought it up since, but I don’t think this means you had no shot! They flirted for a reason, probably because they find you just as hot. Maybe they just got in their head or realized they didn’t want to do anything more after the kiss. I wonder if you feel unresolved because they never communicated what they were looking for that night. Honestly, though, I wouldn’t talk to them about it now. Y’all don’t talk much, and it’s also been at least a few months since the single kiss. If you’re still interested in them, sure, talk to them, but maybe not about that night – at least not with the limited interactions you have right now.

Nico: If you were interested in them — actually hooking up, a date, what-have-you, as Ashni said, that would be the reason to talk to Bryce again. And if you do reach out, just accept their first “no” or kind of signal that they’re not interested if they give you one. Otherwise, flirting happens. Drunk flirting, especially, can happen. If you were both flirting, and you went for a kiss, I don’t think that’s pathetic or creepy. It WOULD be pathetic or annoying or invasive if when you saw them again at another social function, you followed them around expecting more, if you messaged them insisting that you hang out, or if you otherwise pushed boundaries. I think if you are in a group setting again, since you got the vibe that they sort of pulled away and shut things down, I’d let them be the one to approach you for anything beyond a simple hello.

Dating In My Mid-30s Is Not Going Well — What Am I Doing Wrong?

Q

I’m fairly recently back in the dating pool after ending a 5 year relationship and taking a full year after the breakup to focus on myself. I am in my mid 30s, live in a large metropolitan city with a fulfilling career, meaningful friendships, and I am ready to share it with someone… but it’s not as easy as I had hoped.

My self-esteem in my 20s was pretty low, and I would go on dates with basically anyone, which often led to disappointment or hurt, but I was meeting a lot of new people and going on a lot of dates. I feel really good about myself now, and I am better at recognizing red flags & people I am not compatible with, being careful to not over-determine these and say no to “maybes.” But dating is a numbers game, and I am pickier, plus there seem to be significantly fewer single monogamous queers in their 30s & 40s than in their 20s. I’m rarely matching with people on apps and have gone on very few dates – I think I went on 1 date all summer. The apps feel torturous at this point, I’ve done speed dating a few times with zero matches, and I’ve gone to IRL social gatherings and activities with no luck. I’ve asked friends if they know anyone, and every monogamous, sapphically-oriented mutual is in a relationship.

Of course I’m trying to see if I’m doing something “wrong,” but I can’t pinpoint anything that’s calling me out as a red flag. I’ve worked really hard in therapy and beyond to become who I am today, and I’m really proud of me and think I’m a catch, so the lack of success hits even harder.. I would have rejected myself in my 20s. I know I need to stop comparing dating in my 20s to dating in my 30s, but it’s hard not to.

To add additional ugh, I want to have kids, and Queer Time doesn’t change my biological clock. For many personal reasons, I don’t want to be a single mother; though I refuse to jump into a relationship for the purpose of co-parenting… but my fertility clock is ticking, and I don’t need that added pressure.

How do I meet another human for long-term monogamous sapphic domesticity? What changes can I make in my approach, because my current one isn’t working? Or do I stick with it and hope for what feels like a miracle?

A

Summer: Hello from a fellow person who would have rejected their twenty year-old self!

Like you, I’m surprised that someone so put-together as yourself would have trouble in a major city. I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that app-dating is an algorithmically mediated cesspool designed to keep people on the apps for as long as possible to generate revenue. You know, the Tinder paradox. Where if Tinder were actually good at matching people up, they’d have no revenue because they’re dependent on people staying on the app as long as possible for revenue.

If you haven’t tried dating apps oriented to queer women, like Her, then that would be my next guess. In my mind, Tinder and Bumble have gone downhill a lot and are more a reflection of ‘dead average’ than the quality of person I actually want to meet. But that could also be geographical.

Another alternative is… hear me out… kink events. If you’re in a major city, they’ll exist. Various kink events will tend to have their own frequent flyer communities that are a good place for queer-friendly networking. You don’t have to go for sex. You don’t even have to go to the sex-oriented events. But maybe a munch or casual event to meet some new people and scope out the vibes? But not walking in with the intention of finding a permanent partner. I think that’s putting the cart way ahead of the horse. More like… meeting friends and entering a new queer circle to see what’s up. It could go somewhere.

Riese: I just want to validate to you that it’s extremely true that the dating pool DOES dwindle as you get older and it really sucks! Most lesbians do couple up by a certain age, and apps can feel really discouraging because of that, especially when you compare your experience to dating in your twenties when the world was your oyster. (Also I’m not sure what apps you’re using, but all the single thirtysomethings I know use Hinge? Get off Tinder, is what I’m saying.) But also sometimes you can catch someone in your age bracket  on the other side of a divorce! 

I think, honestly, you should quit the apps for a few months and just focus on yourself —doing what you love, making social connections, and seeing what happens. Is there a queer sports league you could join? That’s how so many people I know in LA met their significant others.

Nico: I agree with both Riese and Summer that slowing down instead of trying to immediately find your one and only partner forever is a good move. I’m not saying you shouldn’t date, but I do think that being less commitment-forward might help. There’s a chance your goal-oriented approach is scaring away potential partners. Can you get a few friends to review your dating app profiles? Maybe try deleting them and making new ones from scratch and being perhaps more open with your swiping (you mentioned pickiness). You can also try putting the apps down for a couple weeks. People get on them and leave all the time so if you do that, there will be some different people on there later.

Regarding having a kid, do you have the means to freeze some of your eggs? If you’re determined to have a biological kid in the future and you’re concerned about time, it might be a good way to alleviate some of the stress you’re dealing with.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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If you feel burned out on coming up with questions for a first date, you’re not alone! The ritual of first dates can often feel repetitive and lackluster. There are only so many ways to ask a version of so what are your interests? And if you’ve already been chatting too much on the apps or during the lead up to a date (which, for the record, I somewhat advise against unless that’s truly your preference for getting to know someone!), it can be even harder to know what to say on a first date.

But asking questions is important. If you show up to a date and only answer the other person’s question or otherwise only talk about yourself, trust you’re probably about to get roasted in a group chat. No one likes being on a date with someone who takes zero genuine interest in them! There is no perfect roadmap for how to crush a first date, but the number one thing you can do to at least ensure a baseline decent experience is ask your date(s) about themselves! People love to be asked about themselves! But also, if you find yourself on a date who doesn’t reciprocate the curiosity, find a way to wrap it up.

The questions below are designed to inject some life and creativity back into your first date question asking if you’re feeling stuck or stalled in the dating process. You can ask them word for word or use them to riff and come up with your own against-the-grain questions. They’ve been divided into a few categories: chill, pop culture, strange, spicy, and misc. So take what you need and leave what you don’t! I would consider most of these to be just slightly deeper than surface-level but not too deep. But you’d be surprised what you can learn about a person’s priorities, values, and viewpoints by asking a range of different seemingly random questions.

Some include follow-up questions and some have been added since the last time this was published in 2024, so you’re getting even more than 50 prompts for first date conversation! For some of these, you might be wondering what makes them specifically gay. Well, I wrote them and I’m gay. Hope that helps!

Get ready to crush this first date! You’re gonna do great!

This piece was originally published in March 2024 and has been updated for September 2025.

Chill Questions

These are casual, get-to-know-you questions that are at least slightly more interesting than the general/obvious ones like “what do you do?” Start with these if you want to ease into deeper conversation or if you like to generally take a more chill approach on first dates.

1. How did you meet your best friend?
2. What’s your favorite book?
3. What are your favorite things to do on your days off?
4. What did you do today before this date?
5. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
6. What kind of cake do you like to have for your birthday? Or if not cake, what do you like to have?
7. Do you collect anything?
8. What are your favorite qualities in other people?
9. What’s your favorite photo of yourself?
10. Do you keep a journal?
11. Where have you never been to that you’d like to go?

Pop Culture Questions

Books, movies, television, music, etc. tend to be pretty fun and easy topics for first dates! Here are some pop culture-themed questions you can ask to get to know your date’s interests and tastes!

1. Who is your celebrity crush? Who was your first queer celebrity crush?
2. What album could you listen to on repeat for an entire day?
3. What’s the first gay kiss you can remember seeing in a movie or on television?
4. What’s your go-to karaoke song?
5. What’s a gay movie you know is “bad” but you love anyway?
6. What queer book that hasn’t been made into a series/movie yet do you think should be made into a series/movie?
7. What queer actor should play you in a biopic about your life?
8. What’s an unpopular opinion you have about a piece of queer pop culture?
9. If your life were a television show, what would be the theme song?
10. How many films from the Autostraddle Encyclopedia of Lesbian Cinema have you seen? (This question provides a built-in activity! You can scroll through the list together! And also make plans to watch some movies together!)
11. Who would you want to play you in a movie about your life? Who would you want to direct the movie about your life?

Strange Questions

Want to be memorable? Want your date to think you’re creative and surprising? Ask some of these hyperspecific, open-ended, or just downright weird (in a fun way) questions! Treat your date conversation like a creative writing prompt!

1. Have you ever seen a ghost or experienced a haunting?
2. Do you have any stories about cryptids?
3. What are your thoughts on time travel? If there were zero consequences to the current timeline, would you rather time travel to the past or the future?
4. Do you have any weird stories about birds?
5. If you were a piece of furniture, what would you be?
6. If you had a pet sloth, what would you name it?
7. What do you imagine the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean looks like? (Here’s another activity question: Have them draw it! Doesn’t matter if they’re bad at drawing, that almost makes it more fun.)
8. Do you own any cursed artifacts?
9. Who’s your nemesis?
10. In a fantasy town designed by you, what types of businesses and spaces would be on the main street? (ex. bowling alley, seafood restaurant, independent bookstore, etc.)
11. Fast zombies or slow zombies?

Spicy Questions

Listen, some of us like to jump right to the sexy chase on a first date. If that’s you and your date also gives off a vibe of talking about sex openly, add a little spice to the convo with these questions.

1. What was the last sex dream you had?
2. What’s the weirdest sex dream you’ve had?
3. What’s your favorite non-Hitachi sex toy?
4. What do you think is your sexiest quality?
5. What’s something sexual you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t?
6. Where’s the weirdest place you’ve had sex?
7. What’s a recurring fantasy you have?
8. What songs turn you on?
9. What’s your favorite sex scene from a movie?
10. Have you ever crushed on someone you shouldn’t have?
11. Do you have any favorite rom-com tropes?

Miscellaneous Questions

These first date questions don’t necessarily fit into any of the categories above! They might not be openers like the chill questions, but they could work once you’re a few questions in.

1. Can you remember any of your dreams from last night and if so what were they about? (Or, what’s the last dream you can remember?)
2. What’s the worst first date you’ve ever been on?
3. What’s the best first date you’ve ever been on (other than this one)?
4. How did you decide what to wear to this date?
5. Do you read tarot?
6. What are your thoughts on astrology?
7. What’s your favorite thing about yourself?
8. What’s the worst gift you’ve ever received?
9. What’s the biggest misconception about you?
10. How do you organize your bookshelves?
11. What’s something you’ve lost that you’re still upset about?

Have a good go-to first date question that often leads to a second date? Let’s hear it in the comments.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The AV Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1082 articles for us.

Why Do I Feel So Weird Looking For Younger Women Specifically?

Q:

I’m recently single after a ten-year relationship and returning to the dating game after all that time. i want to have children, more than one in an ideal world. i am 34, my ex was 7 years older. we were trying to have children when we broke up, but with my PCOS and her age, we did not succeed. now returning to dating, i’m experiencing some conflict and discomfort. it feels very “off” to be looking on purpose for women who are around my age or younger, but also feels like, that’s what i have to do if i want to maximize the chances that we’ll have kids together. it will take a few years to get comfortable with someone and be ready for kids. i’ve never dated anyone younger than me before. I was usually attracted to older folks. that’s not really the issue though because i think with the right person it wouldn’t matter. but i feel like i am objectifying people by doing this, reducing someone to the age of their uterus. it feels somehow morally wrong for me to consider this in dating? Is it?

A:

Summer: Well, evaluating potential relationship partners for whether they’d make fitting parents is one of humanity’s oldest pursuits. If not immoral, it’s at least wildly common and normal.

I don’t think it’s immoral to find partners who fit into your vision of the future, either. It ‘s objectifying if one of your principle criteria is breeding value (lmao) at the expense of their numerous other qualities. It’s not immoral or objectifying if you’re trying to find people who simply match your needs for life. It’s doubly fine if you’re upfront about your eventual need to have children. It’s also imperative to consider your future partners’ agency in this. They get a decision in this too, so it’s not exactly harmful if their plans match yours. As long as you’re not being downright creeptastic or inappropriate about it, you’re just dating with an eye toward your future.

Valerie: Have you considered other ways to have children? Could you be open to adoption or surrogacy? So you don’t have to focus so much on age while dating around? You say you’re usually attracted to people older than you, so I guess my question is, are you still attracted to these younger people you’re pursuing, or are you pursuing them JUST because you know they’re more likely to be able to birth you a child? Because that second option seems like a surefire way to doom a relationship. That said, if you are just changing age sliders on a dating app (literally or metaphorically) and still looking for people who check all your other boxes and who you are genuinely into, that’s a different story. As long as you’re very clear about the fact that you want children, and also that you are looking specifically for someone who wants to give birth, age is just one of the many things we all consider when looking for potential partners for one reason or another. It’s a slippery slope, though, so just check in with yourself now and then and consider the reasons you want children so badly, and use THOSE qualities to help you find someone to build that life with you.

Nico: People can also have kids in their 40’s! So, it’s possible you’re limiting yourself too much, here. I’d leave potential for you to discuss matters with a potential partner, regardless of whether they’re a little older or younger, because every person’s individual situation is going to be different. And on the other hand, I think that exploring the ages of people you’re open to dating is maybe a good exercise. And you can absolutely factor someone’s interest in having kids into your dating preferences. And like Summer has said, you can also make choices regarding partners that are influenced by your life goals — you’re just going to have to walk a line between being normal about it and being too intense. And as with any dating situation, you just want to make sure you’re being careful with others feelings and being honest from the start. I would definitely make this a regular talking point with a therapist, and I would also open up to trusted friends about your journey. There are so many emotions wrapped up in the prospect of having kids, that in addition to being careful with people who you’re dating, you also need to look out for yourself. Good luck!

How Do I Signal On Dating Apps That I’m Looking For a Co-Parent?

Q:

How do I signal on dating apps that I’m looking for a co-parent with the understanding that it probably takes time to properly get to know someone to figure out if we’d make good co-parents? I recently joined dating apps explicitly for the purpose of wanting to start a family but not wanting to do it on my own. I know I can put that I want kids in my profile, but it feels like more than that. I’m looking FOR a co-parent; having kids isn’t just some nebulous future goal. But I also think that could come off as overly forward or intense. Has anyone had luck using dating apps for this purpose?

A:

Summer: App dating with serious, forward intentions can be pretty hit-or-miss. The upside is that if you angle your profile with intentions clearly and openly, you’ll immediately cut through people who aren’t as serious. Basically, anyone who was looking to play the dating ‘game’ or looking for something more casual should simply swipe no, or not make it past the first bit of small-talk. The downside is that it drastically cuts down your dating pool.

In your position, yes, definitely use every function in your profile that lets you showcase your intentions and interests. Things like wanting children, past education, personal info, interests, everything. A comprehensive dating profile is your first impression and signals that you take even basic things like social media reasonably seriously. Beyond that, your bio should at least note that you’re looking for something long-term and committed. That, combined with an indicator of wanting children should signal your life plans. You can write in your bio that you’re dating with the intention of co-parenting, but that might scare off a lot of people because it will be viewed as serious. I’m not sure if bios have enough characters to iterate that you are intending to co-parent, but are ready to go through the effort of knowing a person and establishing compatibility.

Valerie: I won’t lie, I had to read through your question twice to realize by “co-parent” you didn’t mean that you already had children. What you’re describing is just parenting. Wanting a partner who will be a good parent with you is implied in stating you want children together. I know that’s not always how it shakes out, but it should always be the intention when having kids with someone. I think there are ways to talk about that in your dating profile, or in early conversations, that make your intentions clear without sounding too intense. Saying you’re looking to build a family with someone, that you’re looking for a partner in life and in parenting, etc. I even like the way you phrased it in your question; you want to/are ready to start a family but you don’t want to do it alone. I think as long as you’re clear about that, looking for qualities in someone you think would make them a good parent is something you can do alongside looking for qualities that would make them a good partner.

Nico: There are other people out there who also want to start a family, have kids, be parents together — and if that’s your focus, not only is it important to put that front and center so you can find the right person to do that with, it also helps people who aren’t going to be a good fit to self-select out. I do think that keeping in mind that you want to communicate that you aren’t looking to IMMEDIATELY co-parent is important. I think you could say that you’re “looking for a partner who I can eventually start a family with,” or something along those lines might be helpful phrasing.

Kayla: Just want to chime in here to say I have multiple friends (all queer, some trans) who are on dating apps looking for someone to start a family with. It’s definitely not weird or too forward or anything like that. If you want to be even more specific in your dating profile about things like your parenting philosophy, how many children you want to have, whether you want to be the gestational parent or not, if you’re interested in adopting, etc., then this could be another way to find someone who is well aligned but also just to reiterate how serious you are about wanting to start a family with someone ASAP.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!

How to Make Sure You Have a Perfect First Date

Dating can be incredibly exciting, particularly the first date. It is a lot like setting out on an exciting journey and having no idea where it is going to end up! Consequently, it can also be a little daunting and we know those pre date butterflies can sometimes put you off your A-Game! But relax, we have the top tips to take the stress out of dating and enable you to relax and have some fun!

Keep It Real

We understand that you will be eager to present the very best version of yourself, but we also urge you to keep it real! Making an effort is laudable, so be on time, dress up and be polite…but don’t be tempted to change your personality in an attempt to impress! You’re great as you are, so just be…And whilst it is good to be confident about your attributes, take care not to be self indulgent! Being interested in the other person will give off good vibes and enable you to discover their best attributes.

Leave the past where it belongs…

Hopefully you will recognise that you are at the start of a new journey, not ending an old one. Therefore don’t see this as your opportunity to vent about a previous relationship that went sour. Furthermore, you don’t need to know all the details of your date’s relationship history. Enjoy the art of conversation, this is not an interview. Relax and have fun, you may not see the person again…but at least you can enjoy the moment.

Questions are the source of all knowledge…

Yes, we stated that a date is not an interview, but questions are the key to enabling conversations. Great questions relate to travel, hobbies, films or books! It seems cliched but these trinkets of information can give you an insight into a person’s life and whether you share similar values.

Real life Dating vs Free Online Dating

Are you better at interfacing digitally rather than physically? It is a common problem, swiping this way or that is easy, but offline dating requires a little more social etiquette. Mai Tai Dating urges you to slow down the pace, beauty is more than skin deep so take some time to really get to know the person. At Mai Tai our matchmakers work hard to ensure you are not left feeling underwhelmed and for your peace of mind, all members have verified ID, which means you should only meet with like-minded professional people.

Happy Dating xxxxx

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Dating advice that women should ignore The internet is awash with dating advice for women. Besides cat videos and baby photos, it seems to be the #1 topic online.

With so much available it can be hard to truly understand what is right and what is wrong, especially as a lot of the information you find on the web can be contradictory! We will not take on the gargantuan task of setting the record straight on all of it but here are some bits of advice you have surely come across and which you will do well to completely ignore.

Don’t look for a man, he will find you

If it was only this easy…Please, if being in a relationship is important to you, we urge you to be proactive and take it upon yourself to find the right man. If not, you may end up waiting for Mr Perfect for your entire life. There are too many singles who wish very much to have a Significant Other but have not changed anything about their lives (for example attending singles events, spending time with new social circles, or speaking to strangers who look like their type) to make that wish come true. Instead, they hope and dream they will find the right person serendipitously. If it’s a priority at this stage in your life – why leave it to chance?

He should pay for the first date

Traditionally, the first date has been a bona fide date and the man paid. Nowadays, with online platforms and apps making it so easy to fill up your diary with dates (and people doing just that), the first date isn’t a proper first date but an introductory meeting of sorts during which time both parties vet one another.  An offer by him to pay is nice but it shouldn’t be considered a deal-breaker if he doesn’t.  Keep in mind in Match.com’s Singles in America survey, 71% of men like it when a woman offers to split the bill (which, of course, doesn’t always mean they will let you).

If he doesn’t send you a text within 24hrs he’s not interested

With so much of today’s communication being done by text, we each have a set of best practices for texting etiquette. However, remember that each person has a different notion of what is ‘the right thing to do’ because it is completely subjective and based on what we have each experienced.

Women who are too strict with their texting guidelines are not doing themselves any favours. For example, some women say texting back immediately shows too much eagerness but, on the other side of the spectrum, there are women who say if he doesn’t send a message or call by the following day he hasn’t got any manners. You may consider your texting etiquette is the most reasonable but, just like beauty, it is subjective. When it comes to texting, consider that women are more expressive than men and a one-word answer from him doesn’t only imply lack of interest.

He needs to know everything about you

We do believe that honesty is the best policy, however, a good sense of timing is essential. There is no need to put all of your cards on the table on your first date. By the same token, you are not doing yourselves any favours if you are asking your date very personal questions on the first few meetings.  Topics to steer clear on the first date include previous relationships or anything you consider or think your date will consider, intimate (e.g. sex, money, past traumatic experiences).

You are too good for him

What does this even mean?! If you are compatible, he treats you with respect, and the relationship makes you a better person, our suggestion is to keep it going. Don’t let something like social status, looks or past experience keep you from someone worthwhile. 

Happy Dating xxx

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© Mai Tai Group 2018

Sometimes Good Things Fall Apart So Better Things Can Fall Together.

The days of thinking about the dreaded D-word as a personal failure are long gone.

As most of us know by now, 42% of UK marriages end in divorce, but divorce rates aren’t nearly as high as people think they are among thirty-somethings. The average is dragged down by people who marry very early.

If you wait until you’re 35 to get married then there’s only about a 5% chance that you’ll get divorced, provided your partner is the same age.

When people find themselves single in their 40’s, it is often their own self-doubt that is holding them back from finding true love.

Upgrade your outlook to make better life choices.

This needn’t be expensive or time-consuming; it’s more about the little things you can do every day.

Be the best version of yourself. It’s amazing how much a shower and a shave can improve a man’s state of mind. And don’t just throw on any old thing; think about your outfit as a whole – leave those joggers at home! When you look your best self, you will feel your best self.

Think positive. And we don’t mean any hippy-dippy stuff (although if meditation is your thing, more power to you!). Replace negative thoughts with positive ones by focusing on solutions instead of problems. Talk positively and put energy into your actions. This will lead you to act positively too, and when you do this you will develop self-confidence one action at a time.

Know your principles and live by them, this will solidify your integrity with everyone you come across. Make this into one of the cornerstones of your life, helping to define and shape who you are, it will give you peace of mind and allow you to sleep better at night because knowing what you will and will not tolerate from yourself and others will help you make positive life choices that work for you.

Get active and stand tall. This could be exercise or even just getting out and about doing the things you love. Be active in your mind and body, and always hold your head high.

Smile! Sounds like a no-brainer, right? Smiling is a simple and effective way to display warmth, but it also influences your brain. A UCLA study found that smiling creates a mirror effect on neurons in the brain, and tells us that it’s also contagious. You know those people with a seemingly magnetic force that attracts all types of people? Whether they’re engaging you in a light and friendly chat or a meaningful conversation, being friendly and approachable in your daily interactions will make you feel good too.

Life really does begin at 40, up until then you are just doing research.

We know it’s easy to lose the motivation necessary for dating. At 30+ years people are busy with careers, kids and friends and family.

But this is the perfect time to find a new partner. You know yourself better, so you know what you don’t want. You know the consequences of not addressing what you need, so hopefully, this will enable you to approach the big issues head-on with a new partner. This way you waste less of your valuable time with someone who isn’t right for you.

Knowing what you want is an extremely attractive trait, it is what gives the older woman an edge over their younger counterparts; they approach life with a graceful calm that comes only from life experience.

Some people believe luck, winners believe in cause and effect.

It can be daunting approaching the online dating scene for the first time, where you’re expected to pick profiles from a couple of dodgy photos and a short blurb. There are sites out there for just about everything, but if you are looking for a serious long-term relationship there are some things you can do to limit the time you spend online.

Don’t join too many sites, and make sure the sites you choose take security seriously. Free apps may sound like a good idea, but soon become a minefield when you realise anyone can join and they may not be as honest as you.

Remember, the whole point is to get offline and on a date. Attraction is an intangible concept and the best way to tell if you’re attracted to someone is by hearing them speak and seeing how they move. So don’t carry on an endless chat with someone you’ve never met, set up a date or move on, you’re not looking for a pen pal!

Good Luck!

After a divorce, you will emerge happier, a more independent and confident person. You won’t need just anyone but want only what is good for you.

And finally, remember to give people a decent chance. If you’re not sure, go on that second date and get to know the person on a deeper level. You never know…they may surprise you!

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© Mai Tai Group 2018

So you’ve finally met someone and you’re in a long-term relationship, but perhaps there are a few nagging doubts hanging around your brain. While we all have doubts from time to time, here are some signs that you really need to ditch that dead weight pronto – go on, we dare you.

The Relationship has become Toxic

Let’s face it, we don’t set out to end up in a relationship that’s toxic but this can happen over time. Single you wouldn’t put up with parenting your partner or a close friend, arguments and power games so why are you putting up with it now? Think about what single you would say if you told them about your relationship, if it would be greeted with a snort of derision then you know what to do.

They’re Controlling

If you’re mature enough to pick who you want to date then you’re more than able to make decisions for yourself. That same idiotic partner probably wants to take that control away from you so you don’t end up leaving them. Sometimes, small controlling tendencies that you didn’t mind during the honeymoon period, like choosing what outfit they want you to wear, can quickly turn into full-blown red flags. Sound familiar?

It’s My Way or the Highway

Relationships are about compromise, so if your partner is becoming a bit of a monster than it might be time to cut ties. There’s no room in a relationship with a person that wants their own way all the time, so show them the highway out of your life.

The Blame Game

If you’re starting to doubt the relationship and might want to exit it, then they may start playing the blame game. Of course, everything will be your fault now! This is just a coping mechanism that some people use to make themselves feel better, so be glad you’re leaving this person behind.

Clamming Up

You’ve got something that’s really annoying you, maybe that pile of dishes in the sink has sat there for a minute too long, and you need to get it out. You’re communicating with your partner and you might as well be talking to the wall behind them. Break up and you can treat yourself to a nice chat with the wall without them, plus you’ll have less dirty dishes to deal with so it’s win-win.

Arguments Never End

Couples argue, no matter how perfect they may seem on the outside. However, if you’re replaying the same argument over and over again with no resolution, it’s time to really consider your options. Do you really want to be having the same argument for years? It’s a no from us, frankly, we’d rather be enjoying reruns of Dragon’s Den instead.

Ultimatums

These are often the last-ditch attempt of the idiot, if you don’t do things my way then I’ll leave. Next time they give you an ultimatum like this, feel free to encourage them to follow through.

Life is way to short to be spending time with a partner that isn’t really your soulmate. These behaviours are more than enough to stop a relationship in its tracks if they’re creeping in then explore your options. Remember that your soulmate is supposed to have your back, so hopefully, your single period will allow you to develop a high level of compromise along with a splash of gratitude.

When I was looking for a man, I spent most of my twenties walking around with a metaphorical sign on my forehead reading “Hey you…don’t worry about treating me right because I don’t treat myself right”. It’s taken a while for me to realise that this self-talk isn’t just mindless chatter, it was ingrained into my interactions and beaming out like I literally had a sign on my forehead.The very essence of dating is to find somebody to love us, treat us right and respect us and yet it’s a struggle to find the one who can do that.

Wasting Time on Bad Dates

Let me take you back to the old me…eager to date, even more, eager to find a relationship and equipped with a subconscious list of likes and dislikes for a potential match. Must have a good sense of humour…must be loyal…must treat me like a princess…none of these were inaccurate and even nowadays, although slightly more refined, I still look for similar qualities in a man I would consider dating. Why was this so impossible to find? What was wrong with me? Why did I struggle to meet a match? And why, the biggest WHY, did I ever go on so many awful dates knowing too well before I even left the house, they were terrible? Can you relate to this?

Time to own up. Maybe I didn’t end up with the best pic of the bunch (shhh…don’t tell my ex) but it’s taken me years and countless first dates to figure out that it’s not about them. Nor is it about how they treated me, the sleepless nights when my ex wouldn’t come home or the times he would sit and tell me “Steph, I only date plain looking girls…oh isn’t she beautiful” commenting on some other woman on the TV or internet whilst categorising me as the plain, inferior girl he had handpicked to date!! No…what this is really about is how I treated ME. I spent far too long focussed on what I wanted in somebody else and accepting the criticism that I forgot the somebody staring back at me in the mirror.

Do I look Fat in This?

Forgot is the wrong choice of words, I spent plenty of time criticising my look, seeking approval and double guessing myself. It’s those classic lines we use all the way through the dating process where we question ourselves, “are you sure I look OK in this?” “Does this make me look fat?” that subconsciously shoots us down before we even leave the house. I don’t know how many times I have done this to myself and what is worrying is just how natural it was. The confident, independent career driven version of myself got left behind and out came this doubtful, self-critical, unsure girl who then expected to get treated like the person I really am and even worse, I actually recall having to describe this person…I even knew deep down I wasn’t naturally portraying who I was.  

This was far more involved than just “you can’t be happy with someone else until you’re happy with yourself” … at this point in life I believed I was happy, I lived a great lifestyle, did what I wanted when I wanted and wasn’t in search of more. However, I wasn’t aware of my self-talk and the damage this was doing. I probably didn’t even consciously understand that before I could ever have a successful relationship with someone else, I had to have at least an OK relationship with myself. Every time I looked in that mirror and criticised myself, both the literal and metaphorical mirror, I wasn’t treating myself very nice, I wasn’t respecting myself and I certainly wasn’t loving myself. Now, after working long and hard on my issues with self-love and self-confidence, it makes complete sense to me…what I was giving out, I was getting back, like a punch in the face. The more bad energy I gave out about how I felt about myself was directly proportional to the level of self-respect I had and in return, the respect I could demand from somebody else. The people we entertain in our lives are simply acting as mirrors, reflecting back to us how we treat ourselves.

Check your Metaphorical Mirror

See this might sound cheesy but I really was searching for someone back then to love me, treat me right and respect me. I was looking for me. And it has been a long journey of truly unsuccessful relationships, dreadful dates and to be fair, a few amazing men who came along just a bit too soon on my journey. 

How did I change this and how can you recognise the effects your relationship with yourself is having on your dating life?

Self-talk and how it influences your self-worth, self-respect and confidence are all intertwined. You cannot say you are successfully working on your confidence until you start recognising the negative self-talk and assessing how you treat yourself. I know it isn’t easy to admit but go on, I dare you to ask yourself are you treating yourself, right? This isn’t just for the single people, sometimes in a relationship, we can lose ourselves even more.

My Top 5 Self-Addressing Love Hacks

1. Do you tell yourself negative things when you look in the mirror? For every time you recognise having a negative conversation with yourself I want you to crowd it out. Take that thought and however uncomfortable it feels at first, replace it with 3 positive comments. Say them out loud and remember the ratio must be 3:1. Gradually this will change your thought process.
2. Try a gratitude journal, get to know yourself again or for the first time ever and write down what you’re grateful for in you, your strengths and what lights YOU up…by focussing on the good stuff, slowly there is no room left for the negative.
3. Love thyself – pencil time into your diary for you and prioritise it. This is not a treat or a once every 3 months, a spare couple of hours, spur of the moment bit of time to yourself. It is an absolute necessity that you incorporate some of the stuff that makes you most happy…take yourself on a date, read a book, book a spa…whatever it is, do it well and fill yourself up!!
4. Respect yourself and start recognising your strengths and how they make you unique, special and great. Ask yourself, “what do I bring to the table?” and answer it in an abundance of love, respect and compassion. You, just the way you are, are enough and will be a welcomed addition to the right person’s life.
5. Start focussing on the values you want from to attract in someone else. And I am not talking about the “must be over 6ft, earn over £50k a year, have green eyes” type stuff, you need to ask yourself what you deserve, what you require in terms of characteristics, personality traits and values and begin to see how you actually recognise them as opposed to the superficial things we see or find out we first meet someone.

Much Love,

Stephanie Joanna Smith

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Have you ever been turned down for a job or promotion, found yourself in a relationship that has come to an end, or perhaps been turned down when you asked someone that you liked out for a date? If you have then you know that rejection isn’t the best feeling in the world. In fact, if someone says that they don’t care about rejection they are lying.

Rejection sucks and those feelings are going to hurt. Worst of all, there really is nothing that you can do to stop it. The portion of your brain that processes and deals with emotions is automatically linked to your body functions and this means that it is inevitable that rejection is going to make you feel rubbish.

So, how can you deal with this like a grown up? We have put together some of the top tips on how to deal with romantic rejection and have yourself feeling better in no time at all.

1. Never take it personally

 Now, this can be hard to do, after all, when you have been rejected by someone romantically it is often because there is something about you that they don’t like. However, it is important that you don’t take it personally. It isn’t your fault and it is often something that you cannot change. So, don’t beat yourself up about it. After all, it is their loss, isn’t it?

2. Acknowledge your emotions but don’t let them hold you back

Romantic rejection is never going to make you feel good and you’ll likely experience a wide range of emotions including anger, annoyance, fear, abandoned and/or shame. These feelings may arise because you think life’s plan for your relationship wise has been delayed and it isn’t what you wanted. Whatever emotion comes up, good or bad, know that it’s normal when you’ve made a decision to do something that would result in a significant change in your life. And however you feel, don’t judge yourself! Acknowledge what you’re feeling; ask yourself if your thoughts are rational or if they are just old fears talking to you. Then stick to your commitment to be with someone that is good for you in the long run and move on.

3. Don’t try to look too much into what they are saying

How many times have you heard people openly wonder what the person who has recently rejected you really means? Probably quite a few times. The trouble with this is that it is open to your interpretation. Instead, try not to look too much into what they are saying and just listen to them, if they say it, then take it that this is what they mean.

4. Try to be nice

 When you have been rejected it can be all too tempting to say a whole bunch of mean things to the other person, if for no other reason than to make you feel better. Of course, it might make you feel better for a short time, but saying nasty things isn’t likely to make you feel great about yourself. Even if you are feeling angry and hurt about the rejection, try to swallow the sting and be nice.

5. Talk it out, but only with people you trust

 When you feel low, you may surprise yourself with just how much better you will feel simply by talking about how you feel. The only thing to remember about revealing your feelings is that you should always aim to make sure that you talk to someone who you can trust. After all, revealing your innermost thoughts and feelings shouldn’t be something you throw around to anyone.

6. Never make the other person feel guilty

 Of course, the reason you feel so down in the dumps is all down to the other person. However, that doesn’t mean that you should ever try and make them feel guilty. Guilt tripping someone is not a good thing to do, not only will it make them feel awful, but it is also going to make you feel bad about yourself too.

7. Don’t give yourself time to mope

 One of the simplest things that you can do when you have been rejected is to keep yourself busy. If you don’t have time to sit at home listening to sad songs and eating ice cream, then you won’t do it. Which means in no time you will feel a whole lot better about yourself.

As you can see, there are plenty of things that you can do to make sure that you deal with romantic rejection in a much more positive way. Plus, the truth of the matter is that you’re lucky that you’re not in a relationship with someone that doesn’t appreciate you.

 Remember whilst it may hurt at the time, you never know who is just around the corner!

 Happy dating x

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