Are Here are some signs that your non-negotiable terms are at risk.

You work harder than your partner to fix the problems.

• You keep asking “is it me or them?”
• You hope things will magically get better at some point in the future.
• You suppress your personality to avoid conflicts.
• You are unhappy but your partner is just fine.
• Problems are never resolved, and nothing is ever gained.

Deal Breakers in Relationships

These type of situations are often called “deal-breaker” scenarios. They are highly problematic because they waste time and life is short. Too often, people spend years with the wrong person, or avoid the necessary steps to improve their relationship with the right person.

On top of that, deal breakers compromise your quality of life. When you’re not clear within yourself, you end up going along with something that doesn’t feel quite right. You may doubt yourself and wonder “Am I making too big a deal of this?” Or, worse, you make excuses and live in the future (“It will go away after he trusts me,” or “Once she goes to therapy it will get better”).

Remember, problems that are not resolved today are likely to never be resolved. (This is not to say problems cannot be solved, but if your partner is unwilling to work on something important today, this points to a low likelihood of a different future.)

Don’t bank on potential. See what is real in front of you now.

The only way to fix a deal-breaker situation is to find out what your personal non-negotiable relationship terms are, and take the steps to get it right or get out.

Dr. Bethany Marshall, author of the book Deal Breakers, has some great suggestions for women in compromising relationships. She specifically targets women in relationships with men, but her observations can be applied to both genders and same-sex relationships.

But first let’s define “deal-breaker” a little further. The very term implies that you are in some kind deal. As unromantic as this sounds, relationships are deals. And if the terms aren’t met, either party is free to walk away.

That is why it’s crucial that you understand what you can expect in the relationship. When you can’t effectively define the terms of your relationship, you will forever be frustrated, compromised, and disempowered.

In a nutshell, Dr. Marshall says a deal breaker is the one character flaw, emotional stance, or pattern of behavior that significantly damages the quality of a relationship.

Of course, most relationships are not perfect arrangements. All relationships generate some annoyances, transgressions, and disappointments.

But when you are facing a deal-breaker, you are looking at a non-negotiable term that, if not agreed to, kills the deal.  For example, lack of reciprocal emotional investment is a common one.

Deal breakers are not minor annoying habits or just one bad thing that has happened that is unrelated to other problems. Rather, they must:

• Destroy something that is precious to you.
• Undermine the very conditions that make it possible to love.
• Point to everything else that is wrong with the relationship. It is the “tip of the misery iceberg.”
• Show themselves early on. As symptoms of something deeper, they rarely come out of the blue.
• Hold potential to become a tool for positive change.

6 Ways to Assert Your Deal Breakers in Relationships

If you think that deal-breakers are at play in your relationship, here are some steps you can take to get some clarity:

1.       Know yourself. Ask the following questions: “Do the emotions I have in this relationship feel familiar?” “What is it that makes it hard for me to think clearly?” Be honest with yourself about what you really want, and not just want you think you should want.

2.      Be aware of personality problems. Dr. Marshall identifies several personality traits in men, but in my experience these patterns can be found in anyone.

Do any of these sound familiar?

• The Scriptwriter: This person decides who you are without consulting you. You feel misunderstood, like a character in their play.  For example, your partner is so afraid of “being taken to the cleaners,” that you pay for everything to avoid being typecast.
• The Person in Charge: This type of person is intolerant towards people and situations they can’t control. They may be very reliable and seemingly caring, but you feel smothered. They must be the originator of all experiences or else they are a buzzkill.
• The Person without Fault: This person cannot self-reflect and rarely takes responsibility for their actions and feelings. They overvalue their achievements and deny their impact on others around them.
• The Invisible Person: This person is emotionally constricted and frequently shuts down in the context of intimate relationships.
• Child Posing as an Adult: This type of person avoids responsibility for themselves. They can be exciting and pleasure seeking. But they have difficulty being alone and their actions contradict their words.

3.      Confront the confusion. Ask yourself two key questions:
1) “What is non-negotiable for me?” This is what you must have in a relationship. Don’t judge yourself for wanting it. Want what you want!
2)  “If things don’t change, can I live with it?” If something feels unacceptable to you in the future, it is probably unacceptable now.

4.      Stop the self-blame.  Own your own neuroses, but don’t take all responsibility for the joint dynamic.

5.      Assert yourself.

• Reveal your feelings and needs. Describe your deal-breaker and give your partner specific examples of what is not working for you.
• Give your partner a chance to respond.
• Let them come up with their own solutions. You can ask: “What can/will you do to make the situation better?”  But do not do all the work.

6.      Have the willingness to walk away. If your partner is not able to take on board what you have shared,  ask yourself: “How long am I willing to wait?” Set a time limit, and make a plan.

This is not easy. It can be excruciating.

But as Dr. Marshall says: “Loss can be negotiated, and reputations can be repaired. But a life can never be relived. So make sure you are living it with the right person.”

Be brave!

If you have examined your deal breakers in relationships and decide to end the relationship, see by blog on smart steps to take when ending a relationship.

Until then, I love hearing from you! Share with me your thoughts below . . .

Article created by: Monika Pašukonytė

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you meet up with your date and realize – so not a fit? The scariest thought about it is what if they don’t think the same, what if they expect something more?

So, you have to come up with something to make sure it won’t happen. And, well, yapping nonsense quite often does the trick. Only problem – doing so requires quite a talent, not everyone can blab on the spot. That’s why we prepared today’s list – it’s full of ideas on what to say when you’re sure you don’t want that second date. So, buckle up and let’s go on this wild ride!

More info: Reddit

The rise of online dating means we’re going on more dates than ever before. Even those of us in long term relationships are making date nights part of our relationship routine.

So just how do you keep those dates fresh and interesting?

 

1) Enjoy Alfresco Theatre

The Open Air Theatre in Regents Park is a spectacular way to take in a show. Offering a handful of performances each summer, enjoy a picnic for two before the action starts.

2) Take a stroll around the National

A must for art buffs and novices alike the National Gallery houses some of the most impressive paintings in the world. Enjoy Van Gogh’s Sunflowers hand in hand.

3) Visit the Opera

It’s hard not to feel romantic in the grand setting of the Royal Opera House. A visit to the Opera is always an event to remember and lends a traditional charm to a modern date.

4) Discover a Hidden Bar

Nothing is quite as romantic as an undercover affair and you’ll certainly feel like secret agents at Evans and Peel Detective Agency in Earls Court. This clandestine bar, hidden behind a bookcase is part speakeasy and part romantic hideaway.

5) Take a Winery Tour

Londons one and only winery offers regular tours showcasing the winemaking process alongside a free sample or two. Impress your date with your London wine knowledge and get to know each other over a glass.

6) Golf like Gatsby at Swingers

This is a crazy golf course like no other. Two 9 hole courses designed around a 1920’s theme include street food stalls and a luxury club house. Come and enjoy a round or two with cocktails and nightly DJ’s.

7) Watch Burlesque at the Savoy

Enjoy a sensual show in the timeless setting of the Beaufort Bar at The Savoy. Enjoy a range of small plates inspired by classic Hollywood alongside cocktails for a glamourous date with a twist.

8) Rediscover Romance at Keats House

A perfect date for poetry lovers, explore the life of John Keats at the house where he himself found love. Complete the day with some of Keats own poetry and a stroll across Hampstead Heath.

9) Visit London’s most Romantic Restaurant

Clos Maggiore in Covent Garden is famous for its canopied room of indoor blossom. Voted most romantic restaurant in the world, your date can’t fail to be impressed by the sumptuous interiors.

10) Visit a Park with a View

The Dalston Rooftop Park comes to town each summer bringing with it a great bar and a relaxed vibe. Enjoy a summer date in the sky at this cool venue.

Don’t settle for dull London dating. Be inspired with our list of romantic local activities.

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© Mai Tai Group 2018

 

Everywhere you look in the dating world, there’s more choice than ever. The abundance of dating apps now available has brought “choice overload” with them. While that might seem like a good thing on the surface, it’s left us all with a few problems when we’re looking for dating success. So, what is the “abundance philosophy” and how is the “paradox of choice” holding you back?

Variety and choice are good things. They give us a better chance of meeting someone that we’re truly compatible with because there are more people available at the swipe of a thumb. However, that fantastic selling-point is also its biggest flaw – if there are always more people available with just a few swipes when you know when to stop swiping?

 

In his book Attached, Dr Amir Levine breaks the abundance philosophy down into a few key points:

• There are plenty of great people out there who would make a brilliant partner.
• It’s sensible to give several people a chance without settling for one person very early on in a relationship.
• People assume that meeting someone suitable is unlikely but there are plenty of people out there you can meet who might make you happy.
• Working on the law of probability, the more people you meet, the more likely you are to find someone you connect with.

 All sounds reasonable, right? The sticking point is the second one – it can sometimes be difficult to draw the line and stop swiping. In fact, it can be a compulsion to see if the next one is “better”. To justify our decision to carry on looking, we pinpoint flaws that we don’t like. Maybe one person’s eyebrows aren’t level or they’re slightly shorter than you’d like. We become perfectionists, looking for our version of perfect, and there’s always something that can be improved on if we just keep looking.

Don’t worry, we’re not suggesting you go for a date with one person and that you need to settle down with them for life. Dating is about kissing a few frogs to find the one that’s right for you, and you shouldn’t stop looking if you find you don’t have that spark.

But make some mental adjustments while you’re single to determine what you’re going to do when you’re faced with the possibility that one more swipe might make all the difference.

Nobody is going to tick all your boxes and have absolutely no flaws. The abundance philosophy suggests you can continue looking until you find someone who’s just right, but the compulsion to pass over someone that you have a lot in common with and who is attractive just because the next person might be more attractive is damaging your prospects.

So, forget the abundance philosophy and focus in on what you’re looking for in a partner. If you find someone who has a lot of potential, don’t carry on swiping until you find someone better.