The third horsemen in the Four Horsemen is defensiveness, which is defined as self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in an attempt to ward off a perceived attack. Many people become defensive when they are being criticized, but the problem is that its perceived effect is blame. It is usually a counterattack to a complaint, which is not criticism.

What does defensiveness look like?

Everyone has been defensive, and this horseman is almost always present when relationships are on the rocks. When you feel unjustly accused, you fish for excuses so that your partner will back off. But defensiveness is a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying, in effect, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.”

Complaint: “Did you call your parents to let them know that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?”

Defensiveness: “I was just too busy today. You know how busy my schedule is! Why didn’t you just do it?”

The defensive partner in this example isn’t taking responsibility for breaking their promise. Instead, they blame their partner. As a result, the problem is not resolved and the conflict escalates further, which paves the way for other horsemen, like criticism and contempt, to enter into the argument.

Unfortunately, this strategy is almost never successful. Excuses just tell your partner that you don’t take them seriously, or you’re trying to get them to buy something that they don’t believe, or you’re simply blowing them off. Although it is perfectly understandable for this partner to put up a defense in the example given above, this approach doesn’t have the desired effect. The attacking spouse does not back down or apologize. They fail to solve the problem.

The antidote to defensiveness? Take responsibility.

The antidote to defensiveness is to accept responsibility for your role in the situation, even if only for part of the conflict. In healthy relationships, partners don’t get defensive when discussing an area of conflict.

Complaint: “Did you call your parents to let them know that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?”

Antidote: “Oops, I forgot. I should have asked you this morning to do it because I knew my day would be too busy. Let me call them right now.”

John Gottman talks to Anderson Cooper about defensiveness in the first half of this short clip:

Partners who avoid defensiveness instead take responsibility for their role in the issue and express an interest in their partner’s feelings. They say, “You’re right, I could have been more aware of how exhausted you were. What you are saying makes some sense, tell me more.” Having acknowledged that you have some role in the problem, you are accepting responsibility for a part of it. When you do this, you will find that you can have a real dialogue with your partner. You become a team working through the problem together.

Think about perpetual problems in your relationship, those problems that come up often and never seem to go away.

Is the TV on too much?

Do you feel like your partner is away all the time?

Are you overburdened with housework?

Do you feel like you spend too much time arguing about little things?

Imagine the conversations, arguments, and fights you have about conflict areas going differently, with less criticism or contempt and more understanding your partner’s needs, expressing your needs in a healthy way, and taking responsibility for things that went wrong. If these discussions crop up all the time, you’ll be sure to benefit from handling them in a healthier way. Think about these two things when bringing up a particular problem:

• What is your goal?
• What is the real problem underlying the conflict?

When you have time, make a list of the subjects you want or need to address—the ones that never seem to get resolved. Write down your desired way for the conversation to go. Using the examples above, try to replace defensiveness with taking responsibility the next time the subject comes up. Also, don’t forget what you learned about criticism: complain without blame and express a positive need. You will be happily surprised with the results!

Understanding defensiveness

Defensiveness is a tough one in that it is a more passive behavior than contempt or criticism. We may not even realize that we are entering into a defensive state.

When you become defensive in a conversation with your partner, you react to their words without listening to what they’re saying.

More often than not, you attempt to ward off the perceived attack by turning the tables on them. “It’s not my fault that we’re always late; it’s your fault.” 

Non-verbal communication

Remember that non-verbal cues are constantly exchanged in conversation, often picked up subconsciously by your brains while you are busy processing something else in the interaction. Whether you realize it or not, they are vital to your interpretation of the speaker’s intent. Tone, body language, facial expression, and other external effectual signs are often internationally recognizable, not particular to any cultural or ethnic group.

You can all read eye-rolling as contempt, and feel a listener’s turned-away body language as a sign of withdrawal. However, other non-verbal cues are not as recognizable. You may not even be aware that you are doing it.

You may have the best intentions when you come into a conversation, but even the most positive attitude cannot last in the face of serious misunderstanding. Though you may have your partner’s best interests in mind, if they misinterpret your message, you’re likely allowing more horsemen into the situation: criticism can evoke a defensive response, followed by a contemptuous statement, leading to emotional withdrawal and stonewalling.

Keep your focus on avoiding criticism and contempt, and you can hold off the rest much more easily. Practice paying attention to your responses and those of your partner. Try accepting responsibility and see the benefits of your results. Your relationship may begin to feel safer, more stable, and more intimate than ever before.

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Do you feel bad if somebody gives you less-than-positive feedback? Do you automatically deny, resist, deflect, or counter with arguments?

If so, this is blocking growth in your relationships.

Don’t worry, defensiveness comes from a place of survival. You’re probably only trying to protect yourself from a perceived attack on your self and your “reputation.”

What feels like judgment by people we care about hurts.  So if you get defensive, it means you’re a fighter, which is good!

The problem is that defensiveness assumes you are being transgressed and justifies the victim role.  It feels totally understandable, and so becomes insidious and habitual.

You may not even know you are doing it. But if you really think about it, you realize it only escalates conflict, and NEVER solves problems.  In fact, chronic defensiveness is a sure sign of decline in any relationship, because it blocks empathy and puts you in opposition to your partner.

Highly respected researcher Dr. John Gottman found defensiveness to be one of the top four accurate predictors of divorce in married couples. He does a fantastic job of identifying the defensive maneuvers most often used by couples.

See if any of these common defensive tactics apply to you:

• Denying responsibility: You take this approach when you know it wasn’t your fault: “I never said I would.”  “I didn’t do anything wrong.” “I can only do so much.”  “That’s not my job.”
  
• Making excuses: You do this because there is a good reason why you did (or didn’t do) whatever is called into question. “There was bad traffic.” “I couldn’t because my boss called and it took awhile.”
  
• Disagreeing with negative mind-reading: This is when your partner makes unflattering and just plain wrong assumptions about your feelings or motives. You argue with exasperation or respond with a lack of generosity/reassurance.
• Cross complaining: This is when your partner does something just as bad as what you feel accused of. When they say: “I wish you would have done the dishes like you said you would,” you say  “Well I wish you would not leave your clothes on the floor.”
  
• Rubber Man/Rubber Woman: (from the expression “I’m rubber you’re glue: whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.”):  This is when your partner does the exact same thing they are accusing you of!  When they say: “You didn’t call and I worried about you.”  You say “well, how about when you drive like a maniac, is that any different?”  This is turning the tables.
  
• Yes-butting: This is approach gets used when you know they are right, but you have a morally justifiable reason that outweighs your transgression. “Yes I know I didn’t pay that bill,  but I was waiting for you to make a deposit.”
  
• Repeating yourself: You do this because if they would just hear you, they will be convinced of your point. You keep rephrasing your point of view, perhaps more loudly each time, not really responding to what they are saying.
  
• Whining: This is self-explanatory. But you can also whine without the sound, by acting like the victim and feeling sorry for yourself, like “why are you picking on me!?”
  
• Body language: This is for when you are above verbal defenses. You keep your arms folded across the chest, give a false smile, or shifting your body from side to side. Women, you touch your neck.

 What can you do to break these patterns?

I personally have  been known to use some of these maneuvers in my relationship, and so have some of my clients.

Here is what I have found to be most useful in avoiding defensiveness:

1. The first thing is to just be aware of the above techniques, and which ones you tend to use. Notice when you start doing it, even if it’s after the fact. You will get better at stopping yourself in time.
2. When you feel criticized, try paraphrasing your partner’s statement in a neutral tone. Acknowledge their feelings but don’t rush to defend. Offer an alternative to address the complaint. Your partner can be disarmed by a rational response, and will see you as a , not sparring, partner. Remember you are actually safer when you lower your defenses because your partner becomes your ally.
   
3. Try to find the truth in the statement that triggered your defensiveness. There will always be some basis of reality, even if small.
4. You can defend yourself without being defensive. Lowering your defenses does not mean letting yourself be attacked. You can describe your reality and honor yourself: “No that wasn’t my intention,” or “That is not how I experienced it.” Rather than countering, you are simply sharing your point of view. Even if the current situation isn’t emotionally safe to share your response, trust your own perception.

If you think your partner is the one with a defensiveness problem, first make sure you are not triggering their defenses (see my blog on criticism). And if your partner still responds defensively, know the tactics and don’t get pulled in. For example, if your partner turns the tables on you, recognize it. And rather than defending yourself, stop and don’t let the subject be changed.

If you can’t make any headway, just disengage.  Cooling off lowers everyone’s defenses.

What have you found that helps you be less defensive? Let me know your thoughts below!