“Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on.” ~Eckhart Tolle

In July 2023, my father died in a tragic accident. We were devastated—my sisters, my mother, and I. Or so I thought.

What followed in the months after his death forced me to confront the truth of my mother’s emotional disconnection, a truth I had sensed but never fully allowed myself to see. In losing my father, I also lost the illusion of the mother I thought I had.

A Sudden Exit

By September, just two months after my father’s death, my mother packed up and left the home we had just helped her settle into. She moved from Florida to Alabama to be with a man she had secretly loved for years—her high school crush. A man she had long referred to as her “co-author.” I will call him Roy.

He had been a nightly fixture in her life for a while. She would stay on the phone with him late into the evening, even while my dad slept in the next room. She always claimed it didn’t bother my father. But looking back, I wonder if he just swallowed the discomfort, like so many other things.

Let’s take a step back. In 2022, my sister and I bought a home for our parents to retire in comfortably. We thought we were giving them a safe and loving space to grow old together. But before my father even passed away, my mother had already planned her escape. The house we bought wasn’t her sanctuary. It was a stopover.

She didn’t ask us for help moving. She didn’t even warn us. She bought new luggage, made quiet arrangements, and disappeared. We were suddenly bombarded with text messages filled with excitement: stories of her “new life,” her “adventures,” and her rediscovered love. She glowed with freedom while the rest of us were still gasping for air.

A New Life, A New Name

By January—six months after my father died—she was married to Roy. She changed her last name. She discarded decades of shared identity with my father like she was shedding an old coat. She left behind his ashes. She left the framed photos that we had prepared for his memorial. It was as if he had never existed.

But it wasn’t just him she left behind. She also abandoned her daughters. Her grandchildren. Her great-grandchildren. A family many would cherish, tossed aside like clutter.

Her new story was one of long-suffering redemption. She recast herself as the woman who had endured a marriage with a difficult man and had finally, after decades, found joy. The truth? She had slowly detached from the rest of us for years—investing more time in writing projects and Facebook groups aligned with Roy’s interests, and less in her own family.

Her new husband had also just lost his spouse, only days after my dad died. The narrative practically wrote itself: two grieving souls who found each other through fate. But those of us watching from the outside knew the foundation had been laid long before the funerals.

The Pain of Rewriting the Past

Eventually, my sisters and I had to step away. We had asked for space to grieve our father—kindly, repeatedly. But every boundary was met with denial, deflection, or emotional manipulation. There was no recognition of our pain, only excitement about her “next chapter.”

Sometimes I wrestle with the urge to correct her version of events. In her telling, she’s the eternal victim: a woman finally liberated, only to be judged by ungrateful daughters who refused to be happy for her. But I’ve learned that arguing with someone’s internal mythology rarely leads to healing. It only deepens the divide.

So, I let go. Not of the truth, but of the need for her to see it.

I grieved deeply—not only for my father, but for the mother I thought I had. I began to wonder: Had she ever wanted children? Had she ever truly been emotionally available? Was it all performative?

Those are hard questions to ask. But once I allowed myself to see her clearly—not as the mother I hoped she was, but as the woman she actually is—I began to feel something surprising: relief. And eventually, acceptance. Accepting that a parent is incapable of giving you the love you needed is one of the hardest emotional tasks we face. But it’s also one of the most liberating.

Breaking the Cycle

There were red flags in childhood. My mom wasn’t nurturing. She often complained of pain, stayed stuck on the couch, irritable and disconnected from the rest of the family. I walked on eggshells around her. I can’t recall warm, playful memories. That emotional void quietly shaped me in ways I didn’t fully understand until recently.

I developed an attachment style that drew me to avoidant relationships, repeating old patterns. I didn’t know how to ask for what I needed because I had never learned to recognize my needs in the first place.

Through therapy, reflection, and support, I began to break the cycle. But it required giving up the fantasy. It required grieving not just the loss of my parents, but the loss of the childhood I wished I had. This is not a story of blaming parents, but rather one of gaining a deeper understanding of my mother to better understand myself.

I want to be clear: I have compassion for my mother. She grew up with mental illness in her home. She wasn’t nurtured either. She didn’t learn how to attune, connect, or show up. She may have done the best she could with what she had.

But compassion doesn’t mean ignoring harm. I can hold both truths: her pain was real, and so is the pain she inflicted.

The Freedom of Letting Go

I’ve stopped hoping for an apology. I’ve stopped trying to explain myself. And I’ve stopped trying to earn her love.

Instead, I’m investing in the relationships that nourish me. I’m giving myself the emotional safety I never had. I’m allowing myself to feel it all—the grief, the clarity, the compassion, the peace. Letting go of a parent doesn’t make you cold-hearted. It means you’ve decided to stop betraying yourself.

Because here’s the truth I’ve come to accept: we can love our parents and still recognize that the relationship isn’t healthy. We can give grace for their pain without sacrificing our own healing. And in some cases, we can—and must—walk away.

There is freedom in seeing our parents as they really are—not as idealized figures, but as complex, flawed humans. When we hold onto illusions, we gaslight ourselves. We call ourselves too sensitive or too needy when in reality, we’re responding to unmet needs that have been there all along.

To me, that doesn’t mean sitting in resentment about what you didn’t get from your parents; it means figuring out how to provide that for yourself as an adult. If we don’t examine those early wounds, we carry them forward. We struggle to trust. We tolerate toxic dynamics. We confuse love with emotional labor.

Understanding where it all began leads to healthy change. We can choose different relationships. We can choose ourselves.

And that, I’ve learned, is where healing begins.

About Anissa

Anissa Bell is a licensed marriage and family therapist and sleep specialist who helps anxious minds find rest—even when life feels anything but restful. She works with clients to untangle the worries that keep them up at night, including work stressors, relationship problems, complicated family dynamics, and the overall life messiness that fuels anxiety and insomnia. Learn more about her therapy practice at sleep-anxiety.com orclaritytherapyassociates.com, or get to know her on a more personal level HERE.

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Just because you have attracted or are in a relationship with a narcissist doesn’t mean you stay that way. There are many ways to empower yourself against their control and manipulation.

Set Clear Boundaries. You need to establish what your boundaries are and enforce them consistently. Narcissists will push to see how far they can go. When you enforce your boundaries regularly, it teaches them that certain behaviors they engage in won’t get a response from you. So they will either adjust their approach or find a new target.

Try the ‘Gray Rock’ method. Become uninteresting and boring. If they ask you a question, keep your responses brief, factual, and emotionally neutral. Don’t share personal information or potent emotions. This will starve the narcissist of the attention they seek, and they will look for alternative sources of supply elsewhere.

Work on emotional detachment. There is nothing a narcissist loves more than to get you riled up emotionally. Do your best to maintain your distance, recognize manipulation, and don’t share personal information. Also, practice techniques to help you handle the emotional stress and stay calm and focused on what your needs are.

Mirror their tactics. Mirroring their behavior and staying calm will show them they have less control over you.

When You Expose Their Lies, Be Thoughtful. To do this, document your interactions and ask open-ended questions. This way, you can challenge their dishonesty without confronting them. This will help you reinforce your stance and reclaim the narrative of the conversation.

Make sure you focus on self-care and support. Make sure you take part in activities you love and seek support from friends, family, and even professional counseling if you feel you need it. This will help you learn how to foster resilience and manage and recover from emotional exhaustion.

Using these techniques, you can reclaim the conversation, feel empowered, and maintain your inner peace.

If you recognize any of these things in yourself, I encourage you to work on changing to counteract attracting a narcissist. If you are living with a narcissist, I highly encourage you to get help, make a plan, and get out. Your physical, mental, and emotional health is not worth it. You deserve to live in peace, not chaos and upheaval. To live peaceful and free, in all God called you to be.

Read More:

10 Warning Signs of a Spiritual Narcissist

5 Signs the Person You Love Is a Narcissist

7 Ways to Set Boundaries with Grace

Lack of Affection/Intimacy

Every couple experiences times when they are more affectionate and intimate with each other than others. Things like kids, jobs, and other life pressures can often affect this. However, when there is a total lack of affection or intimacy, there is a problem, and it may be helpful to seek professional help.

Communication Issues

Sometimes, couples go through periods where they have trouble communicating. One person may have a firm opinion about something, and the other party may disagree. Maybe they disagree on a certain way to parent their kids, or one party may want to go away for the weekend with friends, and the other disapproves. They simply can’t agree.

Other times, a partner is simply silent about what’s bothering them and doesn’t talk about it until it festers and becomes a big blowup. Sometimes, the emotional damage is too much to repair.

Lack of Sympathy/Respect/Trust

People in relationships go through different things, both as a couple and as individuals. Depending on what it is, the other party may respond in a way that’s unexpected.

Rebuilding trust can be very difficult when infidelity or deceit has eroded it. When a couple doesn’t respect each other, that is a good sign that a marriage is on its way to the end. A lack of sympathy in situations also indicates that something serious is going on. Marriages thrive on trust and respect, and without them, they can’t thrive.

Growing Apart

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People grow and evolve as they get older. You and your partner won’t stay the same as when you first married. This can be a positive thing if people are maturing, especially if you get married young.

Still, growing and evolving can be a bad thing, especially if you find you and your partner growing apart. If you spend more time alone doing things by yourself or that new interests cause you to spend more time with friends than you do together, your marriage is in danger.

Not Being Able to Talk through Problems

Being able to talk through problems is a big deal. When all you do is fight rather than sit down and have a rational conversation about your problems, it’s a sign that your marriage may not be salvageable.

Not Being Able to Find Resolution Post-Conflict

On the opposite side of this equation, if you can talk through your problems but not find a resolution when the conflict is over, this is also a red flag.

In order to find resolutions to conflict, both parties need to listen and offer solutions. If you can’t both offer solutions and find a resolution, chances are your marriage is over. If you discuss resolutions and one partner says they will commit to doing better but doesn’t change, things will not improve.

Avoidance

If you do anything you can to avoid your partner, this is a sign that it may be too late to save your marriage. When you go out with friends as much as you can, spend time away from your partner in the same house, or do anything else to avoid talking to or being around them, there’s a problem.

This also goes for avoiding problems that need to be addressed. Either party wants to work on fixing things, and the other doesn’t, or both parties simply avoid the issues.

Feelings of Loneliness or Resentment

Sometimes problems can fester so long you resent your partner. Things they aren’t doing, that your needs aren’t being met, or that when you talk about things, nothing changes.

This can lead you to feeling lonely and like no one understands. These feelings can lead to addictions, physical affairs, and emotional affairs. These feelings clearly indicate that your marriage may not be saved.

Feeling like You Can’t Be Yourself

One of the most important things in a relationship is the ability to be yourself. This means every facet of you, from the good to the bad to all the quirks in between. When you feel you can’t fully be yourself or be yourself safely, it’s a good sign that your marriage may not be saved.

No Emotional Connection

When you first got together, you shared everything from how your day went to your goals and dreams. If you find yourselves not asking each other about your daily lives, sharing your feelings, or talking about your aspirations for the future, there is some serious emotional detachment going on.

What if Both Parties Think It’s Worth Saving?

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These are signs it’s too late to save your marriage, but what if both of you still want to try? What are some next steps?

Start with professional help. Even if you want to move heaven and earth to save your marriage, you can’t do it alone. Enlisting professional help and attending sessions together and separately is a great way to rebuild your marriage.

Commit to communication. We can’t have any kind of successful relationship if we can’t communicate. This applies to friendships, relationships with bosses and coworkers, and especially marriages. You and your partner need to commit to having open, honest communication where you will be open and honest and hear each other out. This makes a way for healing and understanding.

Commit to mutual growth. Both parties must commit to growing together and learning from their mistakes.

Set clear goals. Sit down and discuss some goals for your future and your relationship. Then, narrow it down so that those goals are crystal clear to both of you and you both know where you’re headed. Next, write down some steps to help achieve those goals, and celebrate your progress when you hit them.

Be empathetic to each other. Attempt to see each other’s perspective and be empathetic to each other. This will get you on the right track for healing old wounds and bridging gaps.

Spend quality time together. Make it a point to engage in activities you used to love to do together. Browse a bookstore, go on a hike, attend a concert, see a movie, go for a walk, etc.

Check-in regularly.As you go through therapy and rebuild your marriage, have regular check-ins with each other to discuss your progress and what needs attention.

Bring the change you want. If you want your partner to be more open in communication, do that. If you want them to be more honest about their feelings, be so about yours. Want more date nights? Plan one. Instead of telling them about the change you want, be proactive and show them.

Hug. This sounds like the most simple thing in the world, but hugs can make a world of difference. When you hug your partner, you get bursts of serotonin and dopamine, happiness hormones that make you feel closer to your partner. But don’t just hug for three seconds; a full seven minutes will help you get the best results.

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Pray. You got married because you felt God brought you together. Pray and ask him to help you rebuild your relationship and re-solidify your marriage. Even when things look hopeless, God can do anything.

Do something different. When you were first together, everything was exciting and new. So take a trip together, hike somewhere you haven’t been before, or take a class together. It doesn’t have to be something big. Have a picnic in the living room and watch a movie. Sleep on the opposite side of the bed than you usually do. Go to dinner with friends. Anything that will shake up your routine.

Revisit your dreams. Sit down together and talk about the dreams you had when you were younger compared to now. Revamp those dreams if needed and make a dream board to visualize what you want and where you’re going. Then sit down and write out specific action steps to make those goals happen.p^p

When issues are neglected, and people grow apart, marriage can become a fragile thing. Even though the reasons above show that it’s too late to save a marriage, it doesn’t have to be this way. When both parties will work on it and seek God’s help, they can restore the marriage.

Has your marriage ever come back from the verge of separation? What signs do you think signify it’s too late to save the relationship? Join the discussion on Crosswalk Forums.

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Carrie Lowrance is a freelance writer and author. She has had her work featured on Crosswalk, iBelieve, Huffington Post, and the Penny Hoarder. She is also the author of three children’s books, three clean romance books, one romance novella, three books of poetry, and one non-fiction book. When she’s not writing, she enjoys cooking and baking, reading, and hanging out with her husband, and sweet cat, Cupcake. You can find out more about Carrie and her writing at www.carrielowrance.com.