Everyday Scripts That Turn Rivalry Into Teamwork: Building Stronger Sibling Bonds in 2026

By Jordan Reed – Relationship & Family Advisor

Have you ever walked into a room to find your kids locked in a battle over a toy, their voices rising like a storm? It’s a scene I know all too well in our Texas home, where my two energetic boys, ages 7 and 9, can turn a simple playtime into an epic showdown. But what if I told you that with a few everyday scripts that turn rivalry into teamwork, you can shift those moments from chaos to collaboration? As a 39-year-old couples counselor and dad, I’ve seen firsthand how these simple phrases and routines transform family dynamics. Drawing from my anniversary reflections on nurturing bonds that last—amid our weekly family game rituals where laughter always wins—this guide is your New Year’s toolkit for fostering sibling harmony in 2026. Whether it’s toy tug-of-wars or jealousy flares, these everyday scripts that turn rivalry into teamwork empower kids to support each other, building emotional intelligence for life.

In this fast-paced world, sibling rivalry is inevitable, but it’s also an opportunity. With insights from the American Academy of Pediatrics and the Gottman Institute, we’ll dive into de-escalation, repair, and proactive strategies. By the end, you’ll have actionable tools to make 2026 the year your family thrives together.

Why Sibling Rivalry Happens and How Everyday Scripts Promote Teamwork

Sibling rivalry roots in basic needs: attention, fairness, and identity. Kids compete for resources, but unguided, it breeds resentment. Everyday scripts that turn rivalry into teamwork teach empathy and cooperation, turning “me vs. you” into “us together.” Studies from the Child Mind Institute show neutral parenting reduces conflicts by 50%, fostering long-term bonds.

In my counseling sessions, families report less tension when parents model calm. Start viewing rivalry as teachable—guide kids toward shared success, like our family rituals where everyone contributes to game night victories.

For more on family unity, check cherishing moments together as family.

dreamstime.com

Happy Family Puzzle Stock Illustrations – 6,070 Happy Family …

Caption: Siblings collaborating on a puzzle, embodying everyday scripts that turn rivalry into teamwork.

De-Escalation Scripts: Pausing Chaos to Spark Collaboration

When tempers flare, de-escalation is your first line of defense. Say “Pause. Bodies safe” calmly at eye level to stop actions without blame. This phrase helps kids self-regulate, creating breathing room.

Next, narrate neutrally: “I see two kids who want the same thing.” Validate feelings, then ask “Check in: are you okay or not okay?” Suggest options like deep breaths or a fidget toy—the exact spinner set we keep handy for tense moments.

These everyday scripts that turn rivalry into teamwork prevent escalation, backed by Gottman Institute research on emotional coaching. Practice during calm times, like our evening wind-downs, to make them habit.

Expand with examples: If it’s a grab for the remote, intervene early—”Hands off, words on”—teaching respect. Over time, kids internalize this, reducing incidents by empowering self-control.

See finding calm in everyday moments for more regulation tips.

Repair Scripts: Healing Hurts to Strengthen Sibling Team Bonds

Repair builds trust. For the instigator: “Your hands weren’t safe. Next time, use words. Fix it with an apology, ice, a drawing, or space?” This teaches accountability without shame.

For the hurt child: “Do you want space, a hug, or my lap? Share what you need when ready.” End with “We repair and try again in this family.”

These everyday scripts that turn rivalry into teamwork foster forgiveness, as per Psychology Today studies on sibling resilience. In our home, post-conflict hugs during game nights reinforce this—mistakes are stepping stones.

Add variety: If words stung, prompt “That hurt my feelings because… What can we do differently?” Role-play during neutral times to build skills.

focusonthefamily.com

Siblings Can Learn to Be Kind to One Another – Focus on the Family

Caption: Siblings hugging after resolving conflict, showcasing the power of repair scripts.

Sharing and Turn-Taking Scripts: Fostering Generosity Over Competition

Avoid forced sharing; it fuels rivalry. Try “You don’t have to be done. Be generous with ______.” Use timers: “5 minutes or offer when ready—your choice?”

For waiting: “Waiting’s hard. What’s your plan?” Stock a basket with books or the fidget toys we love for distractions.

These everyday scripts that turn rivalry into teamwork promote fairness, per AAP guidelines. Our boys now negotiate turns during Lego builds, turning potential fights into joint creations.

Examples: For board games, say “Winner helps set up the next round.” This shifts focus to ongoing play, building patience.

Link to essential tools for long-distance love for boundary parallels.

news.sanfordhealth.org

Tips for training toddlers to share – Sanford Health News

Caption: Children sharing toys with a timer, practicing generosity scripts.

Solution-Focused Scripts: From Blame to Win-Win Team Strategies

Move past accusations: “Tell me your goal.” Coach compromises like “Truck for laps, then trade.”

Ask “What are two fair options?” Let kids brainstorm, or suggest—empowering ownership.

These everyday scripts that turn rivalry into teamwork develop negotiation, as seen in Gottman studies. In sessions, families report 40% fewer arguments with this approach.

Real-life: During our rituals, if one dominates, I prompt “How can both ideas fit?” It sparks creativity, like hybrid game rules.

Teamwork-Building Routines: Micro-Missions for Daily Collaboration

Create “two-person jobs”: “Basket needs drivers—who steers, pushes?”

“Beat the buzzer”: “3 minutes for shoes—go-team!” These make chores fun, like our kitchen clean-ups turned races.

Everyday scripts that turn rivalry into teamwork via routines build positive habits. Harvard studies link shared tasks to empathy growth.

Expand: Weekly “sibling challenges” like building forts together—reward with praise, strengthening bonds.

shutterstock.com

Group Children Work Together Win Happy

Caption: Kids teaming up on household chores, turning tasks into fun.

Jealousy and Comparison Scripts: Anchoring Security in the Team

Address envy: “Every kid gets what they need, not always the same.” “Your special turn’s coming”—follow with a handshake ritual.

These everyday scripts that turn rivalry into teamwork reduce resentment, per expert insights. Our anniversary date nights model balance, teaching kids individual value.

Examples: If one gets praise, say “I’m proud of your effort too—what’s your win?” This equalizes attention.

Explore nurturing your mental fitness.

Praise and Family Meetings: Reinforcing Teamwork Daily

Praise process: “Noticed teamwork—you checked on your sibling.” This encourages collaboration.

Hold weekly meetings: “One win?” Problem-solve, assign roles like Peacekeeper. Close with excitements.

These routines embed everyday scripts that turn rivalry into teamwork. In my practice, families see harmony spike with consistency.

Combine with tweaks: For age gaps, “Big kids lead, little ones have rights.” Create “yes zones” for belongings.

edutopia.org

Restorative Justice Circles for the Elementary Classroom | Edutopia

Caption: Family having a calm discussion in a meeting circle.

Handling Special Dynamics: Scripts for Overwhelm, New Babies, and More

When overwhelmed, micro-pause: Cold water on wrists, tag partner.

For new babies: “You remember being little—more cuddles make sense.” Jobs like lullaby choice integrate siblings.

These everyday scripts that turn rivalry into teamwork adapt to life changes. Our home adjusted post-baby with “big helper” roles.

Scenario scripts: “Took my stuff?” “Say ‘I’m not done.'” Name-calling: “Try again kindly.” Physical: “Bodies safe, fix hurt.”

Build language: Post phrases like “We repair.”

When to Seek Professional Support for Teamwork Challenges

If aggression lingers or fear emerges, consult therapists. American Academy of Pediatrics resources help.

Support bolsters your team—I’ve referred families, seeing transformations.

For insights, read the four horsemen: defensiveness.

salemhealth.org

Help your child be a ‘super sibling’ when the new baby comes

Caption: Family welcoming new baby with older siblings helping.

Essential Products for Sibling Teamwork Success

Support routines with these favorites—the exact ones boosting our game nights.

1. Conversation Cards for Families – For meaningful meetings.
2. Lego Classic Medium Creative Brick Box – Joint projects, currently 20% off—grab quick.
3. Timer for Kids – Fair turns.
4. Fidget Toys Set – Waiting distractions.
5. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Book – Family insights.
6. Family Board Game Night Set – Ritual fun.
7. Meditation Cushion for Kids – Calm check-ins.
8. Essential Oils Diffuser – Soothing repairs.

Wrapping Up: Your 2026 Plan for Lifelong Sibling Teamwork

These everyday scripts that turn rivalry into teamwork offer a fresh start this New Year. From my reflections, consistent practice builds enduring bonds. Implement one script today—watch the magic.

P.S. Ready to deepen your family connections? Sign up for our free relationship quiz newsletter—get personalized tips to build even stronger bonds!

Related Posts

• 5 Unexpected Ways to Show Your Spouse Appreciation This Thanksgiving
• The Four Horsemen: Defensiveness
• Nurturing Your Mental Fitness
• Embracing Purpose-Driven Journeys Together
• Gentle Parenting: A Compassionate Approach

What You Will Learn

• The core principles of gentle parenting focus on empathy, respect, and positive reinforcement.
• Effective communication, including active listening and validating feelings, strengthens parent-child relationships.
• Positive discipline teaches appropriate behavior through guidance rather than punishment, promoting trust.
• Nurturing parenting builds emotional intelligence, equipping children with essential skills for future relationships.
• Research shows children raised with gentle parenting exhibit lower rates of anxiety and better social skills.
• Engaging with parenting communities provides support and resources to enhance your gentle parenting journey.

Pro Tip

Did you know? Incorporating daily routines that emphasize connection, such as family meals or bedtime stories, can significantly enhance your child’s emotional security and strengthen family bonds. These moments create opportunities for practicing empathy and communication in a relaxed environment.

Recap of Key Points

Here is a quick recap of the important points discussed in the article:

• Key Principles of Gentle Parenting: Emphasizes empathy, respect, positive reinforcement, and open communication.
• Empathy and Communication: Active listening and validating feelings build stronger parent-child relationships.
• Positive Discipline: Uses guidance and support to teach appropriate behavior rather than punishment.
• Nurturing Parenting: Focuses on building emotional intelligence and social skills in children through modeling and discussion.
• Long-Term Benefits: Gentle parenting is linked to higher emotional regulation and better social skills in children as they grow.
• Family Communication: Open dialogue promotes trust and emotional development.
• Engagement with Community: Connecting with other gentle parents enhances the parenting experience through shared resources and support.

What You Will Learn

• Emotional boundaries help protect your mental health by separating your feelings from those of others.
• Establishing emotional boundaries fosters healthier communication and strengthens relationships.
• There are three types of emotional boundaries: diffuse, rigid, and flexible, each affecting relationships differently.
• Developing emotional intelligence enhances your ability to recognize and respect your own boundaries and those of others.
• Self-care and validation are crucial for maintaining emotional boundaries and overall well-being.
• Cultural perspectives significantly influence how we perceive and establish emotional boundaries.
• Understanding emotional labor can help you identify when your boundaries are being compromised and take necessary steps to protect them.

We Want to Hear From You!

How do you navigate emotional boundaries in your own life? We’d love to know your strategies or experiences! Share your thoughts below:

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Recap of Key Points

Here is a quick recap of the important points discussed in the article:

• Emotional boundaries protect our mental wellbeing by separating our feelings from others’.
• Establishing boundaries fosters healthier relationships and effective communication.
• There are three types of emotional boundaries: diffuse (over-involvement), rigid (difficult to connect), and flexible (healthy give-and-take).
• Healthy boundaries are vital in romantic partnerships, friendships, and professional settings.
• Emotional intelligence aids in recognizing and respecting boundaries in ourselves and others.
• Self-care and validation are essential for maintaining emotional boundaries.
• Cultural perspectives shape our understanding and practices around emotional boundaries.
• Awareness of emotional labor helps in recognizing when our boundaries are being compromised.

Was I crying over an Instagram reel of a first grade classroom before my eyes were open enough to unlock my iPhone screen this morning? Sure was.

In her now viral video with 1.4 million views and counting, MsGellarTeachesLittles morning routine has countless folks feeling all the feelings, and honestly? We should be. Because while most of us are bribing our kids with screen time just to get shoes on the correct feet, this teacher is out here building tiny humans into confident, kind, emotionally intelligent people—before most of us have finished our first coffee.

Her call and response pep talk is the kind of pint-sized Stuart Smalley business we’d love to pump right into our veins.

“I’m awesome. I’m smart. I’m strong. I’m loved. I’m a leader. I’m gooooooood looking. I can do hard things. I can make mistakes. It’s okay to make mistakes. I’m kind. I listen. I’m respectful. I’m a good kid. And I’m gonna have the best Friday.”

Then comes the sweetest part: They kiss their hands, touch their foreheads, look at a friend and say, “I’m so glad you’re here,” before zipping it, locking it, and putting it in their pocket—presumably to save for whenever the going gets tough.

Why these teacher affirmations matter more than we realize

As one commenter, aubtinism, perfectly put it: “This contributes more to humanity than 90% of jobs.” And they’re not wrong. While we’re out here adulting in our various careers, teachers like Ms. Gellar are literally programming the next generation’s internal dialogue.

User diehardberker’s comment really drove it home: “My inner child needed to hear you screaming to those kids, asking for repetition, ‘I’m a good kid!’ A few of those kids, like I would’ve at that age, would’ve gone home to hear the exact opposite. And as one of those kids (so what if I’m grown up now) I know you’re making a huge difference to them. They hear you! They will tune out all else, just keep going!”

Let that sink in. For some of these kids, this might be the only place they hear they’re awesome, smart, strong, and loved. This two-minute routine could be the voice that drowns out everything else.

The science behind the sweetness

Positive affirmations aren’t just feel-good fluff. Research shows that positive self-talk actually rewires neural pathways, builds resilience, and improves emotional regulation. When kids internalize these messages early—especially that it’s okay to make mistakes—they’re more likely to take risks, try new things, and bounce back from setbacks.

Translation: Ms. Gellar isn’t just making kids feel good. She’s literally building their brains.

What we can steal for our own homes

The beauty of this routine is its simplicity. You don’t need a teaching degree or a Pinterest-perfect setup. Just consistency and commitment to speaking life into your kids, even when they’ve asked “why” for the 47th time today.

Try adapting the affirmation for your family. Make it a breakfast table thing, a carpool tradition, or a bedtime ritual. The specifics matter less than the repetition. Our kids need to hear—over and over—that they’re worthy, capable, and loved, especially on the days when everything feels hard.

The real MVP

Let’s not forget: Teachers like Ms. Gellar are doing this after buying their own classroom supplies, navigating impossible class sizes, and probably handling at least three meltdowns before lunch. As another commenter noted, “These people deserve the highest pay possible. The foundation of our country.”

They’re not just teaching reading and math. They’re teaching kids how to be human beings who believe in themselves.

So here’s my affirmation: Thank you, teachers. You’re awesome. You’re making a difference. And we’re so glad you’re here.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go tell my kids they’re good-looking and see if that helps with homework compliance.

You can’t calm the storm. What you can do is calm yourself, and the storm will pass.

Calmness is a human superpower. The ability to not overreact or take things personally keeps your mind clear and your heart at peace, which gives you the upper hand in most life situations. And it’s a daily practice too. Over the past several years I’ve been cultivating calmness in myself — I’ve been gradually taming my tendency to get riled up and argue with people when their behavior doesn’t match my expectations.

As human beings we all have an idea in our heads about how things are supposed to be, and sadly this is what often messes us up the most. We get frustrated when things don’t play out the way we expect them to, and when people don’t behave like they’re “supposed” to. We expect our family to act a certain way, our friends to always be kind, and strangers to be less difficult.

And when reality hits us, and everyone seems to be doing the opposite of what we expect them to do, we get triggered — anger, frustration, arguments, tears, etc.

If you can relate in any way at all right now, it’s time to remind yourself of the truth: You can’t control how other people behave. You can’t control everything that happens. What you can control is how you respond to it all. Let calmness be your superpower…

When you feel like your lid is about to blow, take a long deep breath. Deep breathing releases tension, calms down our fight or flight reactions, and allows us to quiet our anxious nerves so we choose more constructive responses, no matter the situation. So for example, do your best to inhale and exhale next time another driver cuts you off in traffic. In a recent poll we hosted with couple hundred new course students, overreacting while fighting traffic was the most commonly cited reason for overreacting on an average day. Just imagine if all the drivers on the road took deep breaths before making nasty hand gestures, or screaming obscenities.

Of course it can drive us crazy when we don’t get what we expect from people, especially when they’re being rude and difficult. But trying to change the unchangeable — wanting others to be exactly the way we want them to be — just doesn’t work. So we’ve got to make some changes and lead by example.

Here’s the way of being that I’ve been cultivating and advocating:

• To breathe deeply and often.
• To remind myself that I can’t control other people.
• To remind myself that other people can handle their lives however they choose.
• To not take their behavior personally.
• To see the good in them.
• To let go of the ideals and expectations I have about others that causes unnecessary frustration.
• To remember that when others are being difficult, they are often going through a difficult time I know nothing about. And to give them space.

“Being” this way takes practice, but it’s worth it. It makes me less frustrated, it helps me be more mindful, it improves my relationships, it lowers my stress, and it allows me to make the world a slightly more peaceful place. I hope you will join me…

Practice Calmness and Mindfulness

If you’re ready to feel more peace and less inner frustration, here are some ways I’ve learned to remain calm and mindfully centered, even when those around me can’t seem to contain themselves. These principles reinforce the quick bullet points above, and when you consistently practice them, the world within you and around you becomes a lot easier to cope with.

Let’s practice, together…

1. Get comfortable with pausing.

Don’t imagine the worst when you encounter a little drama. When someone is acting irrationally, don’t join them by rushing to make a negative judgment call. Instead, pause and take a deep breath.

Inhale. Exhale. A moment of calmness in a moment of tension can save you from a hundred moments of regret. Truth be told, you are often most powerful and influential in an argument when you are most calm. Others never expect calmness. They expect yelling, drama, defensiveness, offensiveness, and lots of back and forth. They expect to leap into the ring and fight. They are ready to defend themselves with sly remarks cocked and loaded. But your calm pause? That can really disarm them, and put you back in control.

2. Think bigger.

Imagine a two-year-old who doesn’t get what she wants at the moment. She throws a temper tantrum! This small momentary problem is enormous in her little mind because she lacks perspective on the situation. But as adults, we know better. We realize that there are dozens of other things this two-year-old could do to be happier. Sure, that’s easy for us to say — we have a bigger perspective, right? But when someone offends us, we suddenly have a little perspective again — this small momentary offense seems enormous and it makes us want to scream! We throw the equivalent of a two-year-old’s temper tantrum.

Of course if we think bigger we can see that this small thing matters very little in the grand scheme of things. It’s not worth our energy. Thus, always remind yourself to be bigger, think bigger, and broaden your perspective.

3. Respect people’s differences.

Being kind to someone you dislike or disagree with doesn’t mean you’re fake. It means you’re mature enough to control your emotions and do the right thing. Period.

And it’s absolutely possible to connect with, or even appreciate the company of, someone you don’t completely agree with. When you make a commitment to remain neutral on matters that don’t matter that much, and speak respectfully about your disagreements that do matter, both parties can remain calmer and move forward with grace. It’s a long process sometimes, but it’s worth it.

So just keep reminding yourself that what goes around comes around. No one has ever made themselves strong by showing how small someone else is. Just because someone does it differently doesn’t make it wrong. There are many roads to what’s right in this world.

4. Find compassion and put yourself in their shoes.

In the busyness of today’s world people tend to be worried, fearful, hurting and distracted about everything. The word compassion means “to suffer with.” When you can put yourself in the other person’s shoes, you give them the space to regroup without putting any extra pressure on them.

Truth be told, everyone gets upset and loses their temper sometimes. Remind yourself that we are all more alike than we are different. When you catch yourself passing judgment, add “just like me sometimes” to the end of a sentence. For example:

• That person is grouchy, just like me sometimes.
• He is so darn impatient, just like me sometimes.
• She is being rude, just like me sometimes.

And choose to let others off the hook when you can.

5. Take things less personally.

If you take everything personally, you will be offended for the rest of your life. There’s just no reason for it! Even when it seems personal, rarely do people do things because of you, they do things because of them. You know this is true. You may not be able control all the things people say and do to you, but you can decide not to be endlessly distracted by them. Make that decision for yourself today.

Seriously, there is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you detach from other people’s beliefs and behaviors. The way people treat you is their problem, how you react is yours.

6. Create proactive morning rituals that start your days right.

Don’t rush into your day by checking your phone or email. Don’t put yourself it a stressful state of mind that’s incapable of dealing effectively with other people’s negativity. Create time and space for morning rituals that get you moving in the right direction.

Here’s part of my morning ritual: I take 15 deep breaths before getting out of bed, I stand up and stretch, and then do 15 minutes of meditation.

I challenge you to try this — it has been life-changing for me — but start small with just three deep breaths and three minutes of meditation a day. Do this for 30 days. After 30 days, if this daily ritual becomes easy, add another two breaths and another two minutes to your ritual. When you begin a day mindfully, you lay the foundation for inner calmness and effectiveness, regardless of what’s going on around you.

7. Cope using healthy choices and alternatives.

When we face stressful situations, we are often encouraged to calm or soothe ourselves with unhealthy choices — drinking alcohol, eating sugary snacks, smoking, etc. It’s easy to respond to stress with unhealthy distractions. So pay more attention to how you cope with stress, and replace bad coping habits with healthy coping habits…

Take a walk in a green space. Make a cup of green tea and sit quietly with your thoughts. Listen to some pleasant music. Write in your journal. Talk it out with a close friend. Healthy coping habits make a difference. (Note: Marc and I discuss this further in the Self-Love chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

8. Remind yourself of what’s right (and create more of it in the world).

At the end of the day, reflect on your small daily wins and all the little things that are going well. Count three small events on your fingers that happened during the day that you’re undoubtedly grateful for. For example:

• My family and I made it home safely from work and school today.
• My spouse and I shared a laugh.
• Our meals filled our stomachs.

And then pay it forward — let your positivity empower you to think kindly of others, speak kindly to others, and do kind things for others. Kindness often brings calmness by allowing us to relish in life’s goodness. Create a few outcomes others might be grateful for at the end of their day.

9. Practice letting everything and everyone breathe.

As you read these words, you are breathing. Stop for a moment and notice this breath. You can control this breath, and make it faster or slower, or make it behave as you like. Or you can simply let yourself inhale and exhale naturally. There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine letting other parts of your body breathe, like your tense shoulders. Just let them be, without having to tense them or control them.

Now look around the room you’re in and notice the objects around you. Pick one, and let it breathe. There are likely people in the room with you too, or in the same house or building, or in nearby houses or buildings. Visualize them in your mind, and let them breathe.

When you let everything and everyone breathe, you just let them be, exactly as they are. You don’t need to control them, worry about them, or change them. You just let them breathe, in peace, and you accept them as they are. This is what letting go is all about. It can be a life-changing practice.

10. Establish and enforce healthy and reasonable boundaries.

Practice becoming more aware of your feelings and needs. Note the times and circumstances when you’re resentful of fulfilling someone else’s needs. Gradually build healthy boundaries by saying no to gratuitous requests that cause resentfulness in you. Of course, this will be hard at first because it may feel a bit selfish. But if you’ve ever flown on a plane, you know that flight attendants instruct passengers to put on their own oxygen masks before tending to others, even their own children. Why? Because you can’t help others if you’re incapacitated.

In the long run, proactively establishing and enforcing healthy and reasonable boundaries will be one of the most charitable things you can do for yourself and those you care about. These boundaries will foster and preserve the best of you — the calmest and most capable version of you — so you can share the best of yourself with the people who matter most to you.

Now it’s your turn…

Yes, it’s your turn to let calmness be your superpower. It’s your turn to breathe in serenity, armed with the comforting knowledge that there’s no reason to let someone else’s behavior turn you into someone you aren’t…

But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Which one of the points above resonated the most today?

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

You can’t calm the storm. What you can do is calm yourself, and the storm will gradually pass. So do your best to breathe when negativity surrounds you today. Let calmness be your superpower. The ability to not overreact or take things too personally keeps your mind clear and your heart at peace, which ultimately gives you the upper hand.

Also, remind yourself that people are hard to be around when they believe everything happening around them is a direct assault on them, or is in some way all about them. Don’t fall into this trap. What people say and do is much more about them, than you. People’s reactions to you are about their perspectives, wounds, and experiences. Whether people think you’re amazing or believe you’re the worst, again, is more about the storms they are going through and how they view the world.

Now I’m not suggesting we should be self-indulged narcissists and ignore all the opinions and commentary we receive from others. I’m simply saying that incredible amounts of hurt, disappointment, and sadness in our lives come directly from our tendency to take things too personally. In most cases it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of other people’s good or bad opinions of you, and to operate with your own intuition and wisdom as your guide.

The underlying key is to…

Mindfully watch your response.

When something stressful happens in a social situation, what’s your response?

Some people jump right into action, but oftentimes taking immediate action can be harmful. Others get angry or sad. And some start to feel sorry for themselves — perhaps victimized — and left thinking: “Why can’t people behave better?” Although enforcing your boundaries is important, on an average day hasty responses are rarely healthy or helpful.

The bottom line is you’re not alone if you struggle with taking things personally too quickly. We all make this mistake sometimes. If someone does something we disagree with, we tend to interpret it as a personal attack…

• Our children don’t clean their rooms? They are purposely defying us!
• Our significant other doesn’t show affection? They must not care about us!
• Our boss acts inconsiderately? They must hate us!
• Someone hurts us? Everyone must be out to get us!

Some people even think life itself is personally against them. But the truth is, almost nothing in life is personal — things happen or they don’t, and it’s rarely all about anyone specifically…

People have emotional issues they’re dealing with, and it makes them defiant, rude, and thoughtless sometimes. They are doing the best they can, or they’re not even aware of their issues. In any case, you can learn not to interpret their behaviors as personal attacks, and instead see them as non-personal encounters (like a dog barking in the distance, or a bumblebee buzzing by) that you can either respond to with a calm mindset, or not respond to at all.

Quotes can help remind us.

Like you I’m only human of course, and so I often take things too personally when I’m in the heat of the moment. To combat this, I’ve implemented a simple strategy to support the practice of watching my response. In a nutshell, I proactively remind myself to not take things too personally. Anytime I catch myself doing so, I pause and read a few of the following quotes to myself. Then I take a few deep breaths…

1. You may not be able to control all the things people say and do to you, but you can decide not to be continuously distracted by them today.
2. You can’t take things too personally, even if it seems personal. Rarely do people do things because of you; they do things because of them.
3. Calmness is a superpower. The ability to not overreact or take things too personally keeps your mind clear and at peace, which gives you the upper hand by putting you back in control of your response.
4. There’s a huge amount of freedom and calmness that comes to you when you detach from other people’s beliefs and behaviors. The way people treat you is their problem, how you respond is yours. (Note: The strongest sign of your growth is knowing you’re no longer stressed by the trivial things that once used to drain you.)
5. Being kind to someone you dislike doesn’t mean you’re fake. It means you’re mature enough to control your emotions. So be kind, and remind yourself that people are generally nicer when they are happier, which says a whole lot about the people you meet who aren’t very nice to you.
6. All the hardest and coldest people you meet were once as soft as a baby, and that’s the tragedy of living. So when people are rude, be mindful, be your best. Give those around you the break that you hope the world will give you on your own bad day.
7. Life is too short to argue and fight. Count your blessings, value those who truly matter, and move on from the drama with your head held high.

But what about dealing with very rude people?

Some of the points above potentially require a willingness to cordially deal with people who yell at us, interrupt us, cut us off in traffic, talk about terribly distasteful things, etc. These people violate the way we think people should behave. Sometimes their behavior deeply offends us, and we have every right to feel what we feel. But if we let these people get to us, again and again, we will be upset and offended far too often.

So what else can we do beyond calming ourselves with the quotes and reminders above?

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution, but here are three general strategies Angel and I often recommend to our coaching clients and live event attendees:

1. Be bigger, think bigger.

Imagine a two-year-old who doesn’t get what she wants at the moment. She throws a temper tantrum! This small momentary problem is enormous in her little mind because she lacks perspective on the situation. But as adults, we know better. We realize that there are dozens of other things this two-year-old could do to be happier. Sure, that’s easy for us to say — we have a bigger perspective, right? But when someone offends us, we suddenly have a little perspective again — this small momentary offense seems enormous and it makes us want to scream! We throw the equivalent of a two-year-old’s temper tantrum. However, if we think bigger we can see that this small thing matters very little in the grand scheme of things. It’s not worth our energy. So always remind yourself to be bigger, think bigger, and broaden your perspective.

2. Mentally hug them.

This little trick can positively change the way we see people who offend us. Let’s say someone has just said something unpleasant to us. How dare they! Who do they think they are? They have no consideration for our feelings! But of course, with a heated reaction like this, we’re not having any consideration for their feelings either — they may be suffering inside in unimaginable ways. By remembering this, we can try to show them empathy, and realize that their behavior is likely driven by some kind of inner pain. They are being unpleasant as a coping mechanism for their pain. And so, mentally, we can give them a hug. We can have compassion for this broken person, because we all have been broken and in pain at some point too. We’re the same in many ways. Sometimes we need a hug, some extra compassion, and a little unexpected love.

3. Proactively establish healthy and reasonable boundaries.

Practice becoming more aware of your feelings and needs. Note the times and circumstances when you’re resentful of fulfilling someone else’s needs. Gradually build boundaries by saying no to gratuitous requests that cause resentfulness in you. Of course, this will be hard at first because it may feel a bit selfish. But if you’ve ever flown on a plane, you know that flight attendants instruct passengers to put on their own oxygen masks before tending to others, even their own children. Why? Because you cannot help others if you’re incapacitated. In the long run, proactively establishing and enforcing healthy and reasonable boundaries with difficult people will be one of the most charitable things you can do for yourself and those you care about. These boundaries will foster and preserve the best of you, so you can share the best of yourself with the people who matter most, not just the difficult ones who try to keep you tied up.

Try one of these strategies next time you begin to notice that someone is getting under your skin. And re-read the quotes above too. Then breathe in serenity, armed with the comforting knowledge that there’s no reason to let someone else’s behavior turn you into someone you aren’t. (Note: Angel and I discuss this further in the Relationships chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

Now it’s your turn…

Before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Which one of the points above resonated the most today?

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There’s something to be said for slow and steady progress, but there’s also something to be said for decisive and sweeping action. When it comes to negative social habits, there’s no time like today to quit cold turkey. Of course that’s a lot easier said than done, but with practice we can do better almost immediately.

Lately I’ve been making it a point to bring more awareness to the specific social habits our coaching clients have been repeatedly complaining about or engaging in. And perhaps more importantly than that, I’ve also been noticing how frequently many of the same habits and behaviors surface in my personal relationships. I mean let’s be honest, we all misbehave in our relationships sometimes. None of us are immune to occasional mood swings, but that doesn’t excuse what we do to each other on a daily basis. 

Over the past 15 years, through our coaching practice and live events, Angel and I have literally worked with hundreds of individuals looking to strengthen their relationships, and we’ve learned a lot about what it takes to make that happen. One of the key realizations, again, is the fact that most problems in our relationships (both intimate and platonic) arise from the same basic negative social habits and behavioral patterns. Here are some of the more prevalent ones to be aware of…

1. Giving the silent treatment.

Tuning out, ignoring, disengaging, refusing to acknowledge, etc. All variations of the silent treatment don’t just remove the other person from the disagreement or argument you’re having with them, it ends up removing them, emotionally, from the relationship you have with them. Truly, when you’re purposely ignoring someone you’re really teaching them to live without you. If that’s what you want, be clear about it. And if not, reengage with them in a constructive way.

2. Seeking attention by complaining.

I spoke with a new friend yesterday who all but refused to talk about the positive aspects of their life. After listening to them vent about fairly minor troubles for an hour straight, I asked about some of the exciting projects they have going on (of which they have many). Within three sentences they were back to complaining about trivial things. We all need to share our troubles with friends or strangers from time to time, but don’t fall into the habit of turning conversations into your own personal dumping ground. It’s an easy way to get attention, but it’s a poor way to keep it, and it’s a poor way to view your life.

3. Using disagreements as justification to condemn someone’s character.

Complaints are OK. Disagreements are OK too. These are natural and honest reactions to a person’s decisions or behavior. But when complaints and disagreements spiral out of control into global attacks on a person’s entire character, rather than their occasional decisions or behavior, this spells trouble. For example: “They didn’t call me when they said they would because they were busy and forgot, but because they are a horrible, wretched, selfish person.” The bottom line here is that there’s a big difference between who someone is and what they sometimes do.

4. Using (subtle) hateful gestures.

Frequent name-calling, eye-rolling, belittling, mockery, childish threats, rude teasing, etc. In whatever form, gestures like these are poisonous to a relationship because they convey hate. And it’s virtually impossible to strengthen a relationship, or resolve a conflict, when the other person is constantly receiving the message that you hate them.

5. Focusing on the inner monologue instead of the actual dialogue.

“Holy crap! How should I respond? What can I say that will sound smart and clever? I really hope they think I’m intelligent. I could touch on symbolism or make a reference to post-modernism. Wait… what did they just ask me?” Stay focused on the other person’s words and points. People rarely mind when you say, “Hmm, let me think about that for a moment.” Quite the opposite, since it shows that you’re taking the conversation seriously. If you compose your answers while someone else is speaking, you’re really only having half a conversation, and it’s usually quite obvious. (Read “Just Listen”.)

6. Multi-tasking while engaging with people.

Even if you are a professional multitasker, if you’re talking to someone, talk to them and that’s it. Don’t browse online, don’t watch TV, don’t scroll through social media, etc. If you really don’t have the time to talk, be honest and find another time, or cut it short. The bottom line is that there’s no greater gift of kindness, and no greater expression of caring that you can offer, than your undivided time and attention. (Note: Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the Relationships chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

7. De-emphasizing compliments, or fishing for more of them, with self-effacing remarks.

“Oh, I look terrible today” … after someone compliments you. “I just threw it together at the last minute” … when you obviously dressed up. “I’m really not good at things like this” … when the people you’re with say you are. Don’t do this to yourself and others. It’s not flattering or helpful behavior. By making self-effacing comments, you basically force the other person to repeat their compliment or defend it, which is not a gracious thing to do. It’s perfectly OK to say simply “thank you” when you’re complimented. It’s not snobby, it’s just a basic courtesy.

8. Holding the past against people who have been “forgiven.”

If someone you love or care about makes a mistake and you choose to forgive them, your actions must reinforce your words. In other words, let bygones be bygones. Don’t use their past wrongdoings to continuously justify your own present righteousness. When you constantly use someone’s past wrongdoings to make yourself seem “better” than them (“I’m better than you because, unlike you, I didn’t do XYZ in the past.”), it’s a lose-lose situation in the long run.

9. Withholding the truth.

The key thing to remember here is that secrets can be just as deceitful as openly telling a lie. All too often, I’ll hear a coaching client say something like, “I didn’t tell him, but I didn’t lie about it either.” This statement is a contradiction, as omissions are lies. If you’re covering up your tracks or withholding the truth in any way, it’s only a matter of time before the truth comes out and trust in the relationship completely breaks down. Being honest is the only way to be at peace with yourself and those you care about.

10. Leveraging or accepting emotional blackmail.

Emotional blackmail happens when you apply an emotional penalty against someone if they don’t do exactly what you want them to do. The key condition here is that they change they’re behavior against their will as a result of the emotional blackmail. Absent the emotional blackmail they would live differently, but they fear the penalty from you and so they give in. If that sounds familiar, the solution relies heavily on better communication. If two people care about each other and want to maintain a healthy relationship, they absolutely need to be allowed to openly communicate all of their feelings to each other, not just the agreeable and positive ones. If this is not allowed or supported — if one or both people fear penalty or punishment for their honesty — lies and deceit will gradually transpire.

Remember, we all have a responsibility.

As you reflect on the negative social habits above, do your best to keep things in perspective. If you recognize one or more of them in your relationships, refrain from pointing fingers. Take some responsibility so you can put yourself in a position to make positive changes. Remind yourself that when you deny 100% responsibility in a relationship problem or conflict, all you’re really doing is blaming the other person. You’re saying, in effect, “The problem is never me and it’s always you.” This denial of responsibility usually just escalates everything, because there’s a complete and utter breakdown of communication.

The key thing to understand is that you have a choice. Either you’re choosing to be in a relationship with another person or you aren’t. If you’re choosing to be in, then you are responsible for it. Denying this means you’re giving up all your power to the other person — you’re their victim, regardless of circumstances (positive or negative), because you’ve given them 100% of the responsibility for the relationship you have with them. So again, even when the behavior driving a relationship problem belongs to the other person, the only way to find common ground, or simply create a healthy boundary and more space for yourself, is to first own the fact that you have a responsibility to address.

And also keep in mind that when your friendship, marriage, parenting, etc. gets difficult, it’s not an immediate sign that you’re doing it wrong. These intimate, intricate relationships are toughest when you’re doing them right — when you’re dedicating time, compromising, having the tough conversations, and making daily sacrifices.

Healthy long-tern relationships are always amazing, but rarely easy 24/7. Resisting the hard times and seeing them as immediate evidence that something is wrong, or that you’re in a relationship with the wrong person, only amplifies the difficulties. By contrast, finding the patience and mindfulness to view the challenges as an opportunity to work together will likely give your relationship the energy and strength needed to transcend the problems.

And finally, practice tuning in to your own feelings and needs. Note the times and circumstances when you’re resentful of fulfilling someone else’s needs. Gradually establish healthy and reasonable boundaries by saying no to gratuitous requests that cause resentfulness in you. Of course, this will be hard at first because it may feel selfish. But if you’ve ever flown on a plane you know that flight attendants instruct passengers to put on their own oxygen masks before tending to others, even their own children. Why? Because you can’t help others if you’re incapacitated. In the long run, proactively establishing and enforcing healthy and reasonable boundaries in your relationships will be one of the most charitable things you can do for both yourself and those you care about.

Now it’s your turn…

Yes, it’s your turn to get out there and bring some healthy awareness to how you’re showing up in your relationships. But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.