On this episode of A Productive Conversation, I sit down with Leslie Grandy, author of Creative Velocity: Propelling Breakthrough Ideas in the Age of Generative AI. Leslie is a global product executive turned CEO advisor who helps organizations unlock creative thinking to accelerate growth. Her decades of leadership at Apple, Amazon, Best Buy, and T-Mobile give her a unique perspective on how creativity, technology, and leadership intersect.

Our conversation explores why creativity isn’t limited to artists, how space and time fuel ideation, and what role emotional regulation plays in sustaining momentum. We also dig into how precision, AI, and frameworks can both hinder and propel breakthrough ideas. If you’ve ever doubted your own creativity—or wondered how to harness it consistently—you’ll want to hear this one.

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Six Discussion Points

• Why many professionals mistakenly believe they aren’t creative—and how to reframe that thinking.
• The power of space—whether walking, running, or even showering—in activating creative flow.
• Precision as both a driver and deterrent of creative velocity, depending on how it’s applied.
• Emotional regulation and equanimity as essential tools for sustaining creativity without burnout.
• How to think about velocity beyond speed—focusing on predictability, quality, and intentional triggers.
• Using AI as a creative collaborator through structured frameworks to expand possibilities without chaos.

Three Connection Points

This conversation with Leslie reminded me that creativity isn’t an exclusive club—it’s a capacity we all share, provided we give ourselves the time, space, and intention to use it. Whether you’re leading a team, writing your next book, or simply looking to bring more meaning to your daily choices, Leslie’s insights on creative velocity offer a clear path forward.

Want to support the podcast? You can subscribe to the show and leave quick rating and review wherever you listen to podcasts. You can subscribe on Spotify and also on Apple Podcasts.

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In one of my favorite parenting books, Hunt Gather Parent, author Michaeleen Doucleff, Ph.D., states, “What if we think of (children) as illogical, newbie citizens trying to figure out the proper behavior? What if we assume their motivations are kind and good, and it’s just that their execution needs some improvement?”

“Mindfulness is a pause—the space between stimulus and response: that’s where choice lies.” ~Tara Brach

We’ve all been there.

A sharp reply. A snide remark. A moment when we said something that didn’t come from our heart but from somewhere else entirely—a need to be right, to sound smart, to prove a point, to stay in control, or simply to defend ourselves.

What follows is the spinning. The knowing that what was said didn’t align with our soul. The overthinking, the replaying of the moment, the rumination, the regret, the tightening in the chest, the wish we could take it back.

We justify, we rationalize—but deep down, we know those words weren’t true to who we really are. They weren’t true to the part of us that longs to connect.

For many years, I lived in that loop.

I prided myself on being kind, thoughtful, intelligent, articulate, in control. I made every effort to be so. But I was operating from a place filled with expectations and invisible scripts—needing to prove, impress, or protect. I was filling roles: the composed professional, the high achiever, the witty and loyal friend, the perfect daughter and sister, the confident partner, and the ideal mother.

And so, although my words were often considered, they lacked something deeper and essential: heart.

I thought being thoughtful meant thinking more. Planning my responses. Winning debates. But what I didn’t realize was that thinking without presence can become a wall, not a bridge.

It wasn’t until I learned to pause—to breathe—to allow space between stimulus and response, and to use that space to connect within, that I began to understand a different kind of thoughtfulness. A deeper kind: heartfulness.

This is wisdom—not intellectual but embodied. It lives not in the mind, but in the body. In the breath. In the heart.

The Journey Back to the Heart

This shift didn’t happen overnight.

It came slowly as I gave myself permission to pause, to reflect, to grow. I started noticing how my words were shaping my relationships and my experience of life overall. I wanted to feel better. Calmer. More connected. Ruminate less. Regret less. Suffer less. Feel happier, more relaxed, more authentic.

Mindfulness opened that door.

Through meditation, self-inquiry, and contemplative reading, I began to understand the power of being impeccable with my words.

Books like The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz—and its core teaching: be impeccable with your word—resonated deeply. So did the Buddhist teaching on Right Speech, which invites us to ask before speaking: Is this kind? Is this honest? Is this timely? Does it add value?

These questions became my framework.

I would repeat them silently each morning during meditation. I would return to them during conversations, especially the difficult ones. Eventually, they became part of me.

And here’s what I realized: being impeccable with our words isn’t just about avoiding gossip or negativity.

It’s about creating love.

It’s about adding to the world rather than taking from it.

It’s about using words to build, not break.

That meant pausing before I spoke. Feeling into my body. Listening for what was true beneath the surface.

And slowly, my words began to change.

I began to feel the quiet power of responding instead of reacting. I was no longer using my energy to defend or ruminate.  Instead, I was using it to create connection and kindness.

This was a new kind of power—not the kind that makes us feel “in control,” but the kind that offers space. Space to connect with who I really am. Space to choose love.

A Simple, Yet Powerful Phrase to Remember

Just a few weeks ago, I came across a podcast where Jefferson Fisher, a Texas trial lawyer who speaks often about emotional regulation and grounded communication was being interviewed.

He suggested:

“May your first word be a breath.”

And in that moment, I felt the wisdom of the years of practice, reflection, and self-inquiry come together in one clear, simple, and practical sentence, something I could share with others to help implement and integrate the power of pausing before speaking.

This quote offered the simplest reminder for the wisdom I have spent years cultivating.

If there is one thing that you take away from this article, let it be this: “Let a breath be your first response” and see what happens.

This phrase has become a kind of shorthand for me.

A phrase I carry into parenting, relationships, conversations, and teaching.

Because when your first word is a breath…

You create space. You reconnect with the part of you that knows who you want to be. You return to the heart—before habitual reactivity takes over.

Why This Matters

Our brains are wired for efficiency. Most of us live and act from a place of patterned reactivity, what neuroscience calls the default mode network. This is the brain’s autopilot, built from years of conditioning and past experiences. It’s like mental autopilot: fast, familiar, and often defensive.

The brain does not distinguish from good or bad, from positive or negative, from happier or unhappy. It doesn’t filter for what’s kind, truthful, or wise—it simply scans for what’s familiar and safe. It’s designed for survival, not fulfilment.

And when we’re triggered—by stress, conflict, or fear—our nervous system kicks into fight-or-flight mode. In this state, we’re primed to protect, defend, or escape. Our field of vision narrows. Our breath shortens. Our first words are often fast, defensive, sharp—not because we’re unkind, but because we’re unsafe.

This is why we say things we regret.

It’s why we speak without consideration, even when we know better.

It’s why our words can feel out of sync with who we truly are.

But mindfulness interrupts that cycle.

It invites us to pause. To observe. To breathe.

And in that pause, we return to ourselves. We reconnect with the part of us that knows. And we get to choose again.

This matters because when we give ourselves permission to pause, to check in, and to bring more heart into our lives, we begin to create something more meaningful.

We stop living in reaction.

We stop creating pain for ourselves and others.

And instead, we begin to cultivate an inner peace that radiates outward, into our relationships, our work, and our presence in the world.

Let This Be Your Invitation

“May my first word be a breath.”

Not because you have to believe in it, but because you can experience its benefits immediately.

Try it the next time you’re in a difficult moment—before replying to that message. Before responding to your child’s cry. Before defending yourself in an argument.

Pause. Feel your feet on the ground. Feel your body.

Breathe in for two seconds. Hold for two seconds. Breathe out for two seconds.

And ask yourself: What would my heart want to say here?

The Life That Becomes Possible

Imagine a life where your words feel true. Where your voice comes from clarity, not chaos. Where you speak, not to prove, impress, or control, but to connect.

A life where your presence calms the room, not because you’ve mastered perfection, but because you’ve learned to pause.

This is the life I live now.

Not perfectly, but intentionally.

It’s the life that opened up when I stopped performing and started pausing. When I chose presence over reactivity. When I let my heart lead instead of habit.

It’s available to all of us.

And it begins not with a plan, a list, or a big transformation. It begins with something much simpler.

A breath.

So if you’re looking for one practice to change your life—one small shift that creates ripples in how you speak, relate, and live—let it be this:

May your first word be a breath.

About Carolina Gonzalez

Carolina Gonzalez is a certified mindfulness and meditation teacher based in Sydney, Australia. After navigating self-doubt and emotional depletion, she created Renew & Rise: Your 90-Day Pathway to Rediscover Clarity, Confidence, and Self-Worth. She helps people reconnect with their inner strength, cultivate self-worth, and feel empowered to make aligned life choices. Feeling overwhelmed or stuck? Carolina’s free 5-minute quiz can help you understand your coping style and offer a mindful step forward. Connect with her via Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn.

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“When we show up for our kids in moments when no one showed up for us, we’re not just healing them. We’re healing ourselves.” ~Dr. Becky Kenedy

I wasn’t taught to pause and breathe when I was overwhelmed.

I was taught to push through. To be a “good girl.” To smile when something inside me was begging to be seen.

I was told to toughen up. Not to cry. Not to feel too much.

But how can we grow into resilient humans when we’re taught to hide the very feelings that make us human?

I thought I was learning strength. But what I was really learning was how to disconnect.

And I carried that disconnection into adulthood… into motherhood… into my work… until it begged to be healed.

Becoming a Mother and Seeing Myself Again

When I became a mother, the past resurfaced in ways I couldn’t ignore.

As a school psychologist, I had spent years working with children, guiding them through emotional regulation, supporting teachers and families, and creating safe spaces in classrooms and therapy rooms. But nothing prepared me for what would rise when my own child began to feel deeply.

At the same time, my soul sister, Sondra, was walking through a similar reckoning.

She had spent years creating spaces for children to express themselves through story and imagination, yet still carried parts of her own childhood she hadn’t been taught how to hold.

We were doing meaningful work in the world, but our children cracked something open. Their meltdowns, their restlessness, their big emotions… all of it held up a mirror.

And instead of just reacting, I saw something deeper: myself.

Because even with all my tools and knowledge, I was still learning how to sit with my own feelings too.

When I Teach My Child, I Re-Teach Myself

That’s when I truly understood: When I teach my child mindfulness, I’m not just raising them. I’m re-raising myself.

I’m learning to do something I was never taught: To feel. To breathe. To stay present in the discomfort. To hold space without fixing or fleeing.

And through that process, I’m healing parts of myself that had been quietly waiting for years.

I remember this moment clearly:

My child was on the floor, overwhelmed by emotion. The kind of meltdown that pulls something primal out of you. Every instinct in me wanted to yell. To leave the room. To shut it down.

But instead, I paused. I sat down. I took a breath. And then another. I whispered, “I’m here.”

That moment wasn’t about control. It was about connection. And that’s what changed everything.

What Mindfulness Looks Like in Real Life

I used to think mindfulness had to look calm and quiet, but it’s not perfect.

• It’s not silent yoga flows and lavender oils (though we love those, too).
• It’s pausing before reacting.
• It’s whispering affirmations under your breath when you want to scream.
• It’s sitting beside my child, breathing together, without trying to make the feeling go away.
• It’s placing a hand on your heart and remembering that you are safe now.
• It’s letting your child see you regulate, repair, and return to love.
• It’s letting a tantrum pass, not because I stopped it, but because I stayed.
• It’s about building homes and classrooms where children don’t have to unlearn their feelings later.

It’s not about perfection. It’s about presence. It’s about co-regulation, what children truly need to feel safe.

Because kids don’t calm down by being told to. They calm down when their nervous system is met with ours. With softness. With breath. With safety.

That’s mindfulness.

That’s the real work.

Healing Myself, Healing My Lineage

The more I practiced this way of parenting, the more I realized I wasn’t just helping my child feel. I was healing emotional patterns that had lived in my family for generations.

I lived in a loving family, but trauma was hard on them. They didn’t know how to regulate their emotions. They didn’t know how to sit with discomfort, how to process instead of project.

So they yelled. They shut down. They pushed through, just like they were taught. And that became the blueprint I inherited, too.

I am part of the first generation trying to raise emotionally attuned children while still learning how to feel safe in my own body.

And it’s not easy. It’s sacred work. It’s spiritual work. It’s lineage work.

Because every time I whisper “I’m here” to my child, I whisper it to the younger version of me who needed it too.

There are moments, gentle, almost sacred, when I hear my child hum softly while striking a chime, eyes closed, saying,“This sound makes my heart feel better.”

No one explained resonance. No one showed them how.

And in that moment, I remember: our children come into this world with a knowing we spend years trying to reclaim.

We believe we’re the teachers. But in their stillness, their play, their pure presence, they become the ones guiding us home.

Planting Seeds of Calm

One day, my son looked up at me with tearful eyes and said, “Mommy, I just need you to sit with me.”

And in that moment, I realized: so did I.

That moment changed everything. It was the beginning of a softer way. A new rhythm rooted in breath, presence, and remembering that we’re not just here to teach our children how to regulate; we’re here to learn how to stay with ourselves, too.

I began to notice the magic in slowing down. To listen. To honor what was happening inside of me so I could meet what was happening inside of them. Not with control but with connection.

Every time a parent sits on the floor and breathes with their child, something ancient is rewritten.

Every time we name emotions instead of shutting them down, we break a pattern.

We don’t just raise mindful children. We raise ourselves.

Because the truth is: Every breath we teach our children to take is one we were never taught to take ourselves.

And now, we get to learn together.

About Mariana Gordon and Sondra Bakinde

Mariana Gordon and Sondra Bakinde are the co-creators of The Meditating Mantis book and The Mindful Mantis, a heart-led brand offering mindful stories and courses for children and the grown-ups who love them. Mariana is a former school psychologist and energy healer. Sondra is an artist, interior designer, and creative visionary. Together, they bring softness, story, and healing into everyday life. Learn more at themindfulmantis.com and follow on Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok.

See a typo or inaccuracy? Please contact us so we can fix it!

It’s 9:08 p.m., and you’re in the hallway again. Your 11-year-old is asking for “just 10 more minutes” to finish their YouTube video. You glance at the clock, doing the math on how many hours of sleep they’ll actually get. You know they’ll be grumpy in the morning—but you’re also tired of arguing.

Sound familiar?

In many households, the nightly screen time debate has become a familiar routine. You want your child to unwind. You want to avoid a meltdown. But you also want them to get the sleep they need.

Now, new research published in JAMA Pediatrics suggests that this everyday push-and-pull over screens and bedtimes may have deeper consequences than we realized. Too much screen time is linked to worse mental health, but this study shows something more—screen time may interfere with sleep, and sleep plays a critical role in how your child’s brain develops.

And for preteens and early adolescents, that sleep-brain link might hold the key to understanding why more screen time today could lead to more depressive symptoms down the road.

What science says about screen time, sleep, and your child’s brain

New research from the ongoing Adolescent Brain Cognitive Development (ABCD) Study, the largest long-term brain development study in the U.S., offers important insights into how screen time, sleep, and emotional health are connected.

In a recent analysis of over 900 children, researchers found a clear chain of effects:

1. More screen time in late childhood (ages 9–10) was linked to shorter sleep two years later.
2. Shorter sleep was associated with changes in the brain’s white matter, especially in the cingulum bundle—a key tract involved in emotion regulation.
3. Those brain changes were linked to more depressive symptoms in early adolescence (ages 11–13).

The study used advanced imaging techniques (like NODDI, a more precise way of looking at white matter than traditional MRI) to detect these subtle but significant changes. While the changes don’t necessarily mean a child will develop depression, they suggest that sleep loss during key developmental years could make the brain more vulnerable to emotional health issues.

This builds on earlier research showing that sleep is vital for healthy brain development, especially during puberty when the brain is undergoing massive structural changes.

Related: 13 best educational shows for kids—goodbye screen time guilt

Why sleep matters more than you think

If you’ve ever noticed how a cranky, underslept tween becomes a different person after a good night’s rest, you’re not imagining it. Sleep affects mood in the moment. It also plays a deeper role in how the adolescent brain develops over time. The new study adds weight to a growing body of research showing that more than just a side effect of screen time, sleep is a critical link between digital habits and emotional health.

The brain doesn’t rest while kids sleep — it builds

During sleep, especially in adolescence, the brain is hard at work. It strengthens memory, balances mood-regulating hormones, and fine-tunes the connections between different brain regions.

White matter is the brain’s wiring system

One of the brain systems being shaped during this time is white matter—the communication network that helps thoughts and emotions flow smoothly. A key white matter tract called the cingulum bundle helps regulate emotions by connecting areas responsible for feeling and self-control.

Sleep loss changes the brain’s structure

The study found that less sleep was linked to less organized white matter in the cingulum bundle. This kind of disorganization can make emotional regulation harder—raising the risk for symptoms of depression.

This wasn’t just a theory. These changes showed up clearly in brain scans. And what contributed most to that sleep loss? More screen time.

Related: Study shows parents need to ‘practice what they preach’ when it comes to kids’ screen time

Small changes in screen habits can protect sleep — and mental health

You don’t have to wage a nightly war over screens. A few small, consistent changes can go a long way in protecting your child’s sleep — and, as the research suggests, their long-term emotional well-being.

Try these science-backed tips:

• Set a consistent screen curfew. Aim to turn off all screens at least 30–60 minutes before bedtime to help melatonin rise naturally and support easier sleep onset. 
• Remove devices from the bedroom. Keeping phones, tablets, and TVs out of sleep spaces minimizes late-night use and improves sleep quality.
• Create a wind-down routine. Replace screen time before bed with calming activities — reading, drawing, music, or simply chatting — to help the brain transition to rest.
• Be flexible, not perfect. Consistency beats strict rules. It’s okay to have occasional exceptions — what matters most is your overall routine and your child’s total sleep.
• Model healthy habits. Kids notice what parents do. Try unplugging with them in the evenings to make screen-free time feel more connected, not like a punishment.

Related: Former teacher shares her ‘secret weapon’ on reducing screen time

What this means for you and your family

More screen time in childhood may lead to less sleep in adolescence — and that lost sleep can subtly reshape brain wiring tied to emotional regulation, increasing the risk of depression.

The takeaway? Prioritizing sleep is a powerful, actionable way to support your child’s mental health. You don’t have to ban screens entirely. Just a few changes, like a screen curfew, no devices in bed, and a steady bedtime, can make a real difference.

Sources:

1. JAMA Pediatrics. 2025. “Role of Sleep and White Matter in the Link Between Screen Time and Depression in Childhood and Early Adolescence”

“Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.” ~Anaïs Nin

I never imagined I’d be fired.

It wasn’t because I didn’t have the qualifications or experience. In fact, I had built a successful academic and consulting career. I had studied leadership, organizational behavior, and human development. I had read the right books, taken the right classes, built the right résumé. I was, by all appearances, doing all the right things.

But after ten months in a role I had left my tenured university position to pursue, I was let go. At the time, it felt devastating. I remember sitting in the aftermath of that moment thinking: How did I get here?

I had always been someone who wanted to become better. That desire had followed me since childhood—where I had a deep yearning to feel loved, connected, and seen. When I was young, I thought getting better at basketball and gaining athletic accolades would bring me that. Later, I thought studying leadership and performance would.

I pursued excellence like a ladder—one rung at a time. If I could just learn more, do more, prove more, I’d be better. Right?

Getting fired shattered that illusion.

The Developmental Path That Most of Us Walk

Looking back now, I can see that I was following a very common path—the one most of us are taught from the time we’re kids. I call it the Doing Better Development Path.

This path tells us that if we want to grow, we need to learn more, improve our skills, work harder, set goals, and check more boxes. And to be fair, there’s nothing inherently wrong with this approach. It can absolutely help us improve in incremental ways.

But the truth I’ve discovered—through my own pain, study, and coaching others—is that the Doing Better path has real limits.

It doesn’t help us heal the parts of us that self-sabotage. It doesn’t address our fear of failure or our lack of self-trust. It doesn’t quiet the voice in our head that tells us we’re not enough.

And it doesn’t help us become the person who can courageously show up in difficult moments.

That was my problem—not a lack of knowledge or competence, but a way of being that was self-protective, hesitant, and reactive. I had the tools. But I wasn’t the kind of person who knew how to use them effectively when it mattered.

What I needed wasn’t a new skill.

What I needed was a new relationship with myself.

The Shift: From Doing Better to Being Better

In the months that followed being fired, I went through a season of reflection. Not just on what happened—but on how I was being in the world. I realized I had spent so much time trying to appear capable that I had stopped being curious. I had been defensive instead of open, self-protective instead of growth-oriented.

That’s when I stumbled onto a different developmental path—one I now call the Being Better Development Path. This path doesn’t start with “What do I need to do?” It starts with:

• Who am I being right now?
• How am I relating to myself and the world around me?
• What mindset or inner story is guiding my reactions?

It was only when I started asking these questions that real transformation began.

I’m not the same person I was when I got fired. And I don’t mean that in a vague, inspirational sense. I mean that how I experience life, how I respond to challenge, and how I see myself has fundamentally changed.

And it all started by turning inward—not to fix myself, but to understand myself.

Three Steps to Start Walking the Being Better Path

The beautiful thing about the Being Better path is that it doesn’t require a job change, a spiritual awakening, or a year off in Bali. It just requires intentional self-exploration.

If you feel stuck, or if you’ve been trying to grow but keep hitting a wall, here are the three steps that helped me begin my transformation—and may help you too.

1. Understand Your Being Side

Most people think personal growth begins with action—what do I need to do to get better?

But real, transformational growth begins with awareness—specifically, awareness of your Being Side. Your Being Side is your internal operating system. It’s the invisible system that governs how you see the world, how you interpret what happens to you, and how you respond in any given situation.

This system isn’t just about thoughts or beliefs—it’s also about how your body regulates itself. Your Being Side controls your ability to feel safe or threatened, connected or isolated, grounded or overwhelmed. In other words, it determines whether you’re operating from a place of trust, compassion, and courage—or from fear, defensiveness, and self-protection.

Here’s the catch: most of us never stop to consider that we have an internal operating system, let alone evaluate its quality. We assume that how we react or what we believe is just “the way it is.” But it’s not. It’s just the way your Being Side is currently wired.

When you start to observe your internal operating system—how you regulate emotionally, how you make meaning, how you instinctively react—you take the first step toward real, lasting transformation. You begin to shift from living on autopilot to living with intentional awareness.

This awareness lays the foundation for the next step: evaluating the quality and altitude of your Being Side, so you can start the process of elevating it.

2. Evaluate Your Current Being Altitude

Once you begin to understand and connect with your internal operating system, the next step is to evaluate its quality.

One powerful way to do this is to ask: Is my internal operating system primarily wired for self-protection or for value creation?

When we are wired for self-protection, we tend to be:

• Reactive
• Defensive
• Focused on avoiding discomfort, failure, or rejection
• Concerned with preserving our ego or image in the short term

When we are wired for value creation, we tend to be:

• Intentional
• Open and non-defensive
• Willing to engage with challenge or discomfort to grow
• Focused on long-term contribution, connection, and learning

Here’s a simple example:

Imagine someone gives you constructive criticism. If your internal operating system is wired for self-protection, you might feel attacked, justify your actions, or get defensive. But if your system is more oriented toward value creation, you’re more likely to receive the feedback with curiosity, reflect on it honestly, and use it to grow.

Or consider moments of failure:

A self-protective mindset might spiral into self-blame, shame, or disengagement. A value-creating mindset sees failure as a teacher, not a threat—and leans in with resilience.

The goal isn’t perfection. We all have moments of self-protection. But the more we become aware of these patterns, the more we can assess where we are on the Being altitude spectrum—and begin to consciously shift upward.

That’s what the third step is all about: the process of elevating your Being Side so you can experience real transformation.

3. Elevate Your Being

Understanding and evaluating your Being Side is essential—but real transformation happens when you begin to elevateyour internal operating system.

Your way of being is like the software that runs your life. If you want to experience new results—not just in what you do, but in how you feel, connect, and show up—you have to upgrade the programming of that system.

Elevating your Being isn’t about forcing change from the outside in. It’s about rewiring how you regulate, perceive, and respond from the inside out. And this often requires intentional, layered efforts.

Here are three levels of development that can help:

1. Basic Efforts: Strengthening Regulation

These include practices like meditation, breathwork, mindful movement, or simply spending time in nature. These activities help calm and regulate your nervous system so you can operate with more presence and less reactivity. They’re foundational for building the internal safety needed for deeper growth.

2. Deeper Efforts: Upgrading Mindsets

Your mindsets are the lenses through which you interpret the world. When you begin to shift from fixed to growth, from fear to trust, from judgment to compassion, you start processing life in a more value-creating way. This level of work helps you move from reacting out of habit to responding with intention.

3. Even Deeper Efforts: Healing at the Source

For many of us, our Being Side is shaped by past experiences—especially painful or overwhelming ones that left an imprint on our nervous system. Practices like trauma therapy, EMDR, or neurofeedback therapy can help us heal, not just cope. They allow us to safely revisit and release the patterns that keep us stuck in self-protection mode.

None of these approaches are “quick fixes.” But together, they help us shift from surviving to thriving—from being stuck in old programming to becoming someone new, from the inside out.

The more we elevate our Being, the more we expand our capacity to create value, deepen relationships, lead with integrity, and live with freedom.

There’s No Finish Line—But the View Keeps Getting Better

I wish I could tell you that once you step onto the Being Better path, everything becomes easy. It doesn’t. Growth is still hard. Life is still life.

But your experience of life changes. You become less reactive, more present. You stop chasing success to feel worthy—and instead create from a place of wholeness.

This has absolutely been true for me.

Over the past several years, I’ve incorporated all three levels of effort into my life. I meditate regularly to calm my nervous system. I’ve done deep mindset work to shift how I see myself and others. And I’ve engaged in trauma therapy to heal long-standing patterns I didn’t even know were holding me back.

These efforts haven’t just changed what I do—they’ve changed who I am. I feel more grounded, more open, more aligned with the person I’ve always wanted to be. I’ve become a better partner, parent, friend, and leader. And for the first time, I feel like I’m living from the inside out—not trying to prove something, but simply trying to be someone I respect and trust.

Ultimately, the Being Better Developmental Path is not about achievement. It’s about healing—healing the mind that spins with doubt, the body that tenses with fear, and the heart that aches for connection.

And when we begin to heal, we become free.

Since stepping onto this path, I’ve written books, launched a business, and built a community I care deeply about. But more importantly, I’ve become someone I’m proud to be—someone more resilient, more compassionate, more alive.

If you’re tired of doing all the right things and still feeling stuck, consider this:

Maybe the path forward isn’t about doing more.

Maybe it’s about becoming more.

Not someone different—but more you than you’ve ever been.

About Ryan Gottfredson, Ph.D.

Ryan Gottfredson, Ph.D., is a researcher, author, and leadership consultant who helps people elevate their internal operating systems so they can transformationally become better. He is the author of Success Mindsets, The Elevated Leader, and the upcoming Becoming Better: The Groundbreaking Science of Personal Transformation. Learn more at www.ryangottfredson.com.

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In a world where responsibilities and distractions often compete for our attention, it’s easy to overlook a vital component of our well-being: our emotional health. Many people find it challenging to identify, express, or manage their feelings effectively. You might find yourself snapping at a colleague without knowing why or experiencing a persistent sense of dissatisfaction without being able to trace its source. This struggle with emotional awareness can lead to misunderstandings, conflicts, and a deeper disconnection from both ourselves and those around us.

Enter the Feelings Wheel – a powerful tool that can transform our relationship with emotions and, by extension, with ourselves and others. This article will explore how the Feelings Wheel can help you navigate the complex landscape of human emotions, leading to greater self-awareness, better communication, and improved overall well-being.

Understanding the Feelings Wheel: Your Emotional Compass

The Feelings Wheel, created by Dr. Gloria Willcox, is like a map for navigating the turbulent seas of human emotion. At its core, the wheel consists of six primary emotions: happy, sad, angry, afraid, surprised, and disgusted. These primary emotions form the foundation, branching out into more nuanced secondary and tertiary emotions.

For example, “angry” might evolve into “frustrated” (a secondary emotion) and then into “unappreciated” (a tertiary emotion). This structured approach allows us to move from general feelings to precise emotions, providing clarity on our emotional state and paving the way for effective emotional regulation.

Imagine a scenario where you leave a meeting feeling unsettled. By using the Feelings Wheel, you might identify your primary emotion as “angry,” refine it to “frustrated,” and eventually realize you’re feeling “unappreciated.” This process of breaking down emotions not only enhances self-awareness but also helps you address the root cause of your feelings.

The real power of the Feelings Wheel lies in its ability to help us differentiate between similar emotions. For instance, feeling “lonely” differs significantly from feeling “isolated,” even though both might stem from sadness. Recognizing these distinctions fosters better self-reflection and problem-solving.

The Science of Naming Emotions: Why It Matters

Naming our emotions might seem like a simple act, but it has profound psychological benefits. Research on affect labeling reveals that identifying and articulating emotions can reduce their intensity by calming the amygdala, the brain’s emotional center.

The Feelings Wheel facilitates this process by guiding us through its layers. By moving from the primary to the tertiary emotions, we can precisely name what we’re feeling and understand its source. This isn’t just about self-awareness; it’s about bridging the gap between our internal experience and external expression.

For example, imagine you’re feeling overwhelmed by a looming deadline. By using the Feelings Wheel, you might trace this to a deeper feeling of insecurity about your ability to meet expectations. Once named, this emotion becomes less overpowering, enabling you to take constructive steps, such as asking for help or breaking your tasks into smaller, manageable goals.

This process of naming emotions can also enhance communication. Instead of vaguely expressing frustration, you might say, “I feel unappreciated because my contributions weren’t acknowledged.” This specificity fosters mutual understanding and opens the door to resolution.

Emotional Intelligence in Action: Self-Reflection and Communication

The Feelings Wheel is a gateway to developing emotional intelligence, which is essential for thriving in both personal and professional relationships. Emotional intelligence comprises self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, and social skills—all of which are strengthened by regularly engaging with the wheel.

Self-Reflection and Self-Regulation

Using the Feelings Wheel as part of a daily check-in cultivates self-awareness. By identifying emotions and their triggers, you gain a clearer understanding of your emotional patterns and can regulate your reactions more effectively. For example, if you notice recurring feelings of “inadequacy” during meetings, you might prepare strategies to boost your confidence, such as rehearsing talking points or seeking feedback.

This practice of reflection not only enhances self-regulation but also builds resilience. Instead of being overwhelmed by emotions like anger or sadness, you can identify them, sit with them, and respond constructively.

Improving Communication and Empathy

The Feelings Wheel isn’t just a tool for personal growth; it’s also a powerful resource for improving interpersonal communication. Misunderstandings often arise when emotions are poorly expressed or misinterpreted. By giving us the language to articulate emotions, the Feelings Wheel helps us bridge these gaps.

For example, in a professional setting, you might notice a colleague seems withdrawn. Instead of making assumptions, you could initiate a conversation like, “You seem a bit disengaged lately. Looking at this Feelings Wheel, do you think you might be feeling frustrated or overwhelmed?” This opens the door to understanding and collaboration.

Empathy grows naturally from this practice. As you become more attuned to your own emotions, you’ll find it easier to recognize and validate the feelings of others, creating deeper connections and fostering trust.

Practical Applications: Integrating the Feelings Wheel into Daily Life

To reap the full benefits of the Feelings Wheel, it’s important to make it a consistent part of your emotional toolkit. Here are some ways to integrate it into your routine:

• Morning Check-In: Start your day by identifying your emotional state using the wheel. This practice sets a tone of self-awareness and mindfulness.
• Journaling: Use the wheel as a prompt for reflective journaling. Write about recent emotions, their triggers, and how they influenced your actions.
• Conflict Resolution: During disagreements, use the Feelings Wheel to articulate emotions clearly. This can help de-escalate tensions and foster productive discussions.
• Team Building: Introduce the Feelings Wheel in professional settings to improve team communication and emotional intelligence.
• Parenting: Use a simplified version of the Feelings Wheel to teach children how to identify and express their emotions from an early age.

By incorporating the Feelings Wheel into your daily life, you’ll develop greater emotional awareness, build stronger relationships, and create a more harmonious inner world.

Overcoming Challenges and Building Resilience

The journey to emotional mastery isn’t always smooth. You might encounter resistance to exploring emotions, struggle to pinpoint what you’re feeling, or feel overwhelmed by the range of options on the wheel. These challenges are part of the process.

To overcome them, start small. Spend just one minute each day with the wheel, identifying a single emotion. Gradually expand your practice as you become more comfortable. Remember, the goal isn’t perfection but progress.

It’s also important to recognize when professional help might be needed. The Feelings Wheel is a powerful tool, but it’s not a substitute for therapy or counseling when dealing with significant emotional challenges.

The Ripple Effect of Emotional Mastery

As you continue to use the Feelings Wheel and develop your emotional intelligence, the benefits will extend far beyond your personal growth. Improved relationships, enhanced decision-making, greater resilience, and better mental health are just some of the rewards.

These changes ripple outward, positively impacting your community and professional environments. By modeling emotional intelligence, you inspire others to cultivate their own, creating a more empathetic and understanding world.

Your Journey to Emotional Mastery

The Feelings Wheel is more than a chart of emotions; it’s a gateway to understanding yourself and others on a deeper level. By regularly engaging with this tool, you can transform your relationship with emotions, navigate challenges with resilience, and build a life rich with emotional intelligence.

Why not start today? Take a moment to check in with yourself. Identify an emotion using the Feelings Wheel, reflect on its source, and consider how you can respond constructively. Each small step brings you closer to emotional mastery, unlocking a more fulfilling and connected life.

Featured photo credit: Photo by Anthony on Unsplash via unsplash.com

“Feelings come and go, like clouds in the sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

On the day my daughter Zoe turned seven weeks old, she burst into tears while I was changing her diaper. But why? What had I done? I remember panicking, confused, scared, and instantly guilty.

Eventually, I noticed her pinky was twisted up in her pony-print pajamas. I freed the little digit like my life depended on it and tried to kiss her pain away. As I gently rocked and soothed my wailing child, big tears poured down my own cheeks.

That’s when my wife entered the room. I felt caught and spiraled deep into shame. Emotional thoughts kicked into overdrive: Oh my God, I hurt Zoe. I’m a terrible mother and I traumatized my daughter and my wife knows it. How could either of them ever trust me again?

In that vulnerable moment, I was deep in my Emotion Mind and far from Wise Mind, which is what I needed to access to navigate this situation effectively. These “mind states” are concepts from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which supports people in regulating their emotions and improving their relationships.

DBT teaches us that, at any given moment, our thoughts, feelings, and actions are influenced by three different potential states of mind: Emotional, Reasonable, and Wise.

To illustrate these mind states, I will provide examples of responses to the following situation:

You’ve been trying to hang out with one of your best friends for over two weeks. She hasn’t responded to your text or DMs. When she finally gets back to you, she writes, “Hey. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately. Can we check back in next month?”

In Emotion Mind, you’re ruled by feelings. Your emotions are in charge, dictating how you act and react. Things feel intense, critical, and urgent in this mind state. As a result, you might make impulsive choices, say things you don’t actually mean, or feel consumed by intense emotions.

Example: You take it personally, immediately feeling hurt and rejected. Your inner voice blurts out, “She doesn’t care about me” and “You are such a loser.” Your anger may tell you to respond with a sassy remark, or your sadness may encourage you to hide under the covers as you think, “I’m never good enough for anyone.”

In Reasonable Mind, logic and facts steer the ship. You calmly analyze the evidence and try to solve a given problem on an intellectual level. Sounds great, right? But there’s something missing. Reasonable Mind is inherently colder, more detached. In this mind state, feelings get denied and emotional nuance gets missed.

Example: After receiving the text, you may think, “She doesn’t want to hang out right now. I’ll text her next month.” You might respond with, “You need space. I’ll send you a text message in one month.”

While this thought process is logical, it may feel almost robotic because it does not take into consideration the hurt you are likely processing at that moment. Feeling rejected, worried, or experiencing a pang of loneliness or anger—those are perfectly valid emotional responses that are typically inaccessible when in Reasonable Mind.

Wise Mind is where the magic happens. Wise Mind synergizes the best of Emotion Mind and Reasonable Mind. It’s the ability to balance emotional intuition with rational thought. Wise Mind helps you pause, check in with yourself, and make decisions that align with your feelings and the facts of the situation.

Example: You accept the sting of your friend’s text (“I am really sad that she wants space”) and acknowledge the circumstances outside your control (“Maybe she’s dealing with something difficult that she is not ready to talk to me about”). You pause for long enough to determine the best next steps. You may decide to respond to your friend’s text by saying, “I’m sorry you’re feeling overwhelmed. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to support you. I will check back in with you next month.”

Why Is Wise Mind Important for Highly Sensitive People?

Have you ever reacted to a situation in a way that felt justified at the moment, only to look back later, embarrassed, and think, “Whoa, maybe I read too much into that”? How about fixating on a small mistake you made until you’re completely overwhelmed and irritable, only to realize later that nobody else even noticed the error?

Conversely, have you responded to difficult circumstances by suppressing your emotions? For example, you find yourself beginning to worry about a mistake you’ve made, so you quickly distract yourself from the thoughts with food, drugs, exercise, work, video games, and/or social media. Or maybe you’ve developed such a strong ability to detach from your emotions that you find yourself disconnected from yourself and others?

As an HSP therapist (and a highly sensitive person myself), I can assure you that these experiences are quite common for sensitive people.

Wise Mind is one of the foundational skills of DBT, which is an evidence-based treatment that can help HSPs navigate the moments when pure emotions or overly logical thinking would otherwise take over. When we access Wise Mind, we tap into an intuitive part of ourselves underneath the emotional noise and analytical mind chatter, which allows us to set boundaries and engage in valued action.

How to Access Wise Mind

In order to become automatically skillful in accessing Wise Mind, you need to practice. First, start trying to tap into this mind state when you are feeling regulated. In a context with very wild activation, ask yourself, What would my Wise Mind say?

With practice, you will develop a better sense of what it feels like to be in Emotion Mind, Reasonable Mind, and Wise Mind. This preparation will set you up for success. You will be better able to access Wise Mind during heightened emotional experiences.

1. Pause and notice.

When emotions feel intense, the first step is to pause and check in with yourself.

• Ask: What am I feeling right now? Label the emotions (e.g., sadness, anger, guilt, or anxiety).
• Notice the accompanying physical sensations (e.g., tightness in your chest, racing thoughts, or a lump in your throat).
• Identify any urges you are feeling (e.g., to lash out, shut down, or avoid the situation).

2. Name the facts.

Next, separate the facts of the situation from the story your emotions might be telling you. This helps ground you in reality while still honoring your feelings.

• Facts: Your friend canceled dinner plans. You’ve been friends with her for eight years. She hasn’t canceled on you in the past.
• Feelings: Angry. Disappointed. Sad. Lonely.
• Wise Mind Integration: I’m disappointed because I was looking forward to seeing her, but I don’t know what she’s dealing with on her end. I’m going to send a check-in text to make sure everything’s okay.

3. Breathe.

The simplest way to access Wise Mind is through your breath. When you are in Emotion Mind, your body tenses, and your thoughts race. When you are in Rational Mind, your emotions get relegated to the dustbin. Deep, intentional breathing will help bring you to the present moment so that you can observe your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations.

Try this: Inhale for four counts, hold for four counts, exhale for six counts. Repeat three to five times.

As you breathe, ask yourself:

• What mind state am I in?
• What does my Wise Mind know to be true in this moment?
• What matters most to me in this situation?

How I Found My Wise Mind

Let’s revisit the story I shared at the beginning of this article about my daughter. I had only bent her pinky a bit while putting on her pajamas, but she was crying, and suddenly so was I, awash in pure panic. My Emotion Mind had completely taken over: I hurt Zoe! This will damage our bond! I’m the worst mother alive!

Only when my wife walked in did I recognize how blindly I’d been arrested by my Emotion Mind. Yes, even as an HSP therapist, my emotions can get the best of me. I paused, took some calming breaths, and tried to articulate the facts:

• Fact: Zoe cried for about a minute.
• Fact: She was not injured in any way and did not require additional care.
• Fact: I have been a mom for less than three months—this is a new experience for me.
• Fact: I love my daughter with my whole heart.

Those facts provided the rational perspective I had lacked when in the whirlwind of Emotion Mind; however, naming those facts helped to tip the scales back towards equilibrium.

I accessed the comforting clarity of Wise Mind, and in that state was able to remember self-compassion: I am a human. Mistakes happen. Zoe is okay, and I’m learning every day. I’m doing the best I can. From this position, I could soothe Zoe and myself and move forward, free from the shame spiral.

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Wise Mind allows sensitive people to navigate their mental experiences with clarity and self-understanding. With practice, anyone can access Wise Mind, which encourages the healthy coexistence of both their emotional depths and rational thoughts.

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