You don’t realize how often you block your own present blessings by holding on to everything so tightly.

It’s always necessary to accept when some part of your life has reached its inevitable end. Closing the door, completing the chapter, turning the page, etc. It doesn’t matter what you title it; what matters is that you find the strength to leave in the past those former parts of your life that are over, and those little ideals in your mind that simply aren’t meant to be.

Over the past 15 years, as Angel and I have gradually worked with hundreds of our course students, coaching clients, and live event attendees, we’ve come to understand that the most common cause of human frustration on an average day is our stubborn propensity to hold on to things long after it’s time to let go. In a nutshell, we hold on tight to the hope that things will go exactly as we imagine, and then we complicate our lives to no end when they don’t.

So let’s take a look at some of those things we often regret holding on to in life…

1. The way things “should be” today.

Try to use frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life. Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remember that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance. A small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, while the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. Where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt.

2. The way things used to be.

You’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or even a week ago. You’re always learning and growing, and life is always evolving. Even though you can’t control everything that happens, again, you can control your attitude about what happens. And in doing so, you will gradually master change rather than allowing it to master you. So be humble today. Be teachable. The world is bigger than your view of the world. There’s always room for a fresh idea or a next step. But first you must accept the fact that things may never go back to how they used to be, and that this ending is really a new beginning.

3. Old mistakes and errors in judgment.

Forgive yourself for the bad decisions you’ve made in the past, for the times you lacked understanding, for the choices that accidentally hurt others and yourself. Forgive yourself, for being young and reckless. These are all vital lessons. And what matters most right now is your willingness to grow from them.

4. That subtle desire to change the unchangeable.

Be selective with your energy today. If you can fix a problem, fix it. If you can’t, then accept it and change your thoughts about it. Whatever you do, don’t attempt to invest more energy than you have, tripping over something behind you or something that only exists inside your head. Truth be told, some of the most powerful moments in life happen when you find the courage to let go of what can’t be changed. Because when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself — to grow beyond the unchangeable. And that changes everything.

5. The fantasy of a perfect path (or time to begin).

Too often we waste our time waiting for a path to appear, but it never does. Because we forget that paths are made by walking, not waiting. And we forget that there’s absolutely nothing about our present circumstances that prevents us from making progress again, one tiny step at a time.

6. The need for constant comfort and familiarity.

Everything gets a bit uncomfortable when it’s time for a change. That’s just a part of the growth process. Things will get better, step by step. And keep in mind that your effort is never wasted, even when it leads to disappointing results. For it always makes you stronger, more educated, and more experienced in the long run. So when the going gets tough, be patient and keep going. Just because you are struggling does not mean you are failing. Every great success requires some kind of worthy struggle to get there.

7. Relationships that always make you feel less like yourself.

Let others take you as you are, or not at all. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes. By being yourself, you put something beautiful into the world that was not there before. And remember that in the long run it’s wiser to lose someone over being who you are, than it is to keep them by being someone you’re not. Because it’s easier to fill an empty space in your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space inside yourself where YOU used to be. (Note: Angel and I discuss strategies for living true to these words in the Relationships chapters of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

8. Those old chapters that are still lingering half-open.

You’re going to mingle with a lot of people in your lifetime. You’re going to have first kisses you feel all the way down to your toes and think “Oh my gosh, I love him,” but really…you loved the kiss. You’re going to meet a friend you think you will know forever, but then something will change and you two will go your separate ways. You’re going to explore different parts of your life with different people who aren’t in it for the long haul, and that isn’t a bad thing. Life is a series of stories, and the way our stories intersect is remarkable. Sometimes people are in our lives for the whole story. Sometimes they are just a short chapter or two. It takes a wise person to know when that chapter is over, and then to turn the page.

An exercise for letting go and letting things breathe…

In each of the aforementioned points above, the mind holds on tight to something — an ideal — that isn’t real. And after awhile the inevitable happens: unnecessary stress ensues.

So how can we stop holding on so tight?

There are many ways, but right now let’s begin by letting everything breathe…

As you read these words, you are breathing. Stop for a moment and notice this breath. You can control this breath, and make it faster or slower, or make it behave as you like. Or you can simply let yourself inhale and exhale naturally. There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine letting other parts of your body breathe, like your tense shoulders. Just let them be, without having to tense them or control them.

Now look around the room you’re in and notice the objects around you. Pick one, and let it breathe. There are likely people in the room with you too, or in the same house or building, or in nearby houses or buildings. Visualize them in your mind, and let them breathe.

When you let everything and everyone breathe, you just let them be, exactly as they are. You don’t need to control them, worry about them, or change them. You just let them breathe, in peace, and you accept them as they are… so you can be on your way. This is the foundation of what letting go is all about. It can be a life-changing practice.

Now it’s your turn…

Yes, it’s your turn to let go and let things breathe, so you can open yourself up to the next real and present chapter of your life. But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Which one of the points above resonated the most today?

Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

It happens to all of us gradually as we live and grow. We discover more about who we are and the way life is, and then we realize there are some changes we need to make. The lifestyle we’ve been living no longer fits. The environments and relationships we once found comfort in no longer exist, or no longer serve our best interests. So we cherish all the great memories, but find ourselves at a crossroads in life, moving forward.

And it’s not easy. It’s painful to give up what’s comfortable and familiar, especially when there’s no other choice. Marc and I have struggled through this process many times out of necessity. Over the past 16 years we’ve had to deal with several significant, unexpected life changes and challenges, including:

• Losing a sibling to death in our mid-20’s
• Losing a best friend to a freak accident two weeks later
• Financial unrest following a breadwinning employment layoff
• Breaking ties with a loved one who repeatedly betrayed us
• Family business failure (and reinvention)
• and the list goes on…

Those experiences were brutal. Each of them, naturally, knocked us down and off course for a period of time. But once we accepted the truth, by giving up our ideals and letting go of the way things used to be, we pressed forward, more resilient, and with a greater understanding and respect for life.

Getting to the right state of mind, one that actually allowed us to move forward with our lives, required mindful practice. Because when we were initially faced with each one of those brutal experiences — when we were standing at the forefront of another rocky crossroads in our lives — you better believe our minds were spinning with emotions. We had to learn to catch ourselves in that whirlwind of emotional turmoil and calm our minds, so we could cope effectively and move forward.

When you find yourself facing a disheartening reality your emotional reaction might be to deny the situation, or to avoid dealing with it altogether. But by doing so you’re inadvertently holding on even tighter to the pain that you wish to let go of — you’re, in effect, sealing it up inside you. If you notice yourself doing something similar, it’s time to pause, admit to yourself that you’re coping by avoiding, and then shift your focus to a healthier coping mechanism, like using the quotes listed later in this post to help you open your mind.

When you face struggles with an attitude of openness — open to the painful feelings and emotions you have — you find out that it’s not comfortable, but you can still be fine and you can still step forward. Openness means you don’t instantly decide that you know this is only going to be a horrible experience — it means you admit that you don’t really know what the next step will be like, and you’d like to understand the whole truth of the matter. It’s a calm learning stance, instead of one that franticly assumes the worst.

The Benefits of Healthy Coping

Coping in a healthy way isn’t always an easy thing to do, but it’s always worth your while. With practice, healthy coping allows you to find better ways of managing life’s continuous stream of unexpected and uncontrollable circumstances. For example…

• A task is harder than you expected it to be — Instead of running from a daunting and overwhelming task, you can accept it and see what it’s like to feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed, and still take action anyway. Writing a book, for example, is daunting and overwhelming, but you can still write one even with those feelings rolling through you (just like Marc and I did with our books).
• An interaction with someone you love angers or frustrates you — Instead of lashing out at a loved one when you’re upset with them, you can sit quietly with your difficult feelings and just be open to what it’s like to feel them. And then, once you’ve had a moment to breathe, you can see what it’s like to deal compassionately with someone you love who you’re also upset with. To try to understand them instead of just judging them at their worst.
• Unhealthy cravings overwhelm you out of nowhere — You may be inclined to indulge in unhealthy cravings like alcohol and sweets for comfort when you’re feeling stressed out. But you can sit with these feelings and be open to them instead, and then gradually build positive daily rituals for coping in healthier ways—taking walks, meditating, talking with someone about your feelings, journaling, reviewing the relevant quotes from our book provided in this post, etc.
• You are forced to deal with a loved one’s death — When someone you love passes away, the grief and sense of loss can seem overwhelming. And at that point, it’s incredibly easy to give in to unhealthy, “quick-fix” ways of alleviating the pain. But you have to force yourself to do the opposite—to give yourself compassion, to sit with the powerfully difficult thoughts and feelings you have, and to open your mind to what lies ahead. Gradually it becomes evident that death isn’t just an ending, but also a beginning. Because while you have lost someone special, this ending, like all losses, is a moment of reinvention. Although deeply sad, their passing forces you to reinvent your life, and in this reinvention is an opportunity to experience beauty in new, unseen ways and places.

And of course, we’ve merely just scratched the surface of an endless pool of possibilities for healthy coping. The key thing to understand is that by learning to cope in healthier ways, you will find that you can better handle anything life throws your way, and come out stronger, calmer, and sometimes even happier than you were before.

The simplest way of getting started?

Daily Reminders for Inner Calmness and Healthy Coping

It’s all about keeping the right thoughts at the top of your mind every day, so they’re readily available on those inevitable days when you need them most. For Marc and me, that means sitting down quietly with ourselves every morning and reflecting on precisely what we needed to remember. We use quotes like the ones below to do just that (several of which are excerpts from our books).

Some people call them affirmations, or mantras, or prayers, or convictions, but in any case these daily reminders keep us on track by keeping calm, peaceful, productive thoughts and perspectives at the top of our minds, even when life gets utterly chaotic. And over the years we’ve ultimately learned that peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard realities to deal with — peace means to be in the midst of all those things and still remain calm in your mind and centered in your heart.

Challenge yourself to choose one of these quotes every morning or evening, and then sit for a minute or two while repeating it silently in your mind. See how doing so gradually changes the way you think through life’s twists, turns, and crossroads:

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Before you go, please share this post with others who you think will benefit from it, and also share your thoughts with us in the comments section below. Which quote or saying above resonated the most today? Or perhaps share an additional quote or personal saying that has helped you cope more effectively through life’s twists, turns, and crossroads.

Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.