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Learning to Let Go of a Grudge

admin — Fri, 13 Jun 2025 07:14:32 +0000

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“I tried to hold your hand, but you’d rather hold your grudge” (“Which to Bury; Us or the Hatchet?” by Relient K).

Letting go of a grudge is hard. As this verse from Relient K’s song says, sometimes we prefer to hold our grudge rather than let go of it. Holding onto grudges is not healthy for us. By refusing to let go of a grudge, it will only consume us from the inside out. If we want true freedom and peace, we have to let go of our grudges. If you are looking for ways to let go of a grudge, know that it is not as simple as following a three or five-point process. Rather, grudges can take a long time to let go of; however, we are not alone in our struggles.

Giving the Grudge Over to God

Letting go of a grudge cannot be done apart from the Lord’s work in our lives. In other words, we can only let go of a grudge if God helps us. The main way He helps us is by taking the grudge from us and allowing us to let go of it. God does not want you to hold onto a grudge because it will only cause harm to you. You can give your grudge over to God, and He will help it stop ruling your life.

Whether we are aware of it or not, grudges tend to dictate our lives. Instead of extending grace, mercy, and forgiveness, we choose to continue to hold our grudges. The Lord wants us to forgive the person who wronged us. The Bible tells us, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13). As this Bible verse tells us, we are to forgive because the Lord has forgiven us.

Forgiving the individual does not mean what they did is okay or forgotten. Rather, it means that you are giving the situation over to God. This can be difficult, but you cannot truly forgive someone and let go of a grudge without giving it over to God. We can trust God to hold space for our pain and trust Him to take the pain away. Your grudge has caused you much pain and has probably damaged other relationships in the process. Maybe you were upset with a friend and held a grudge against them, and as a result, now you don’t talk to anyone in your friend group anymore.

As we can see, there are a lot of problems that can come as a result of a grudge, and they might not be easily fixable. However, what we can do is give the grudge over to God and ask Him to help us let go of the grudge. Tell the Lord that you need His help because you are not strong enough on your own. The Lord will help you, and He will carry this burden for you. Give your grudge over to God today and ask Him to help you forgive the individual you are holding the grudge against. You will find true freedom and peace once you are able to do this.

Not Allowing the Grudge to Rule Over Us

As mentioned, grudges have a way of ruling over our lives. God does not want us to be a slave to anything, and this includes being a slave to our grudges. Even if we think we have the upper hand, the grudge is actually the one in control. As believers, we do not need to let our hearts grow with bitterness, anger, and rage. Instead, we need to try to cultivate forgiveness, mercy, and grace. We will not be able to cultivate these things if we are allowing a grudge to rule our lives.

If you are familiar with holding grudges, you know how painful they can be. We might think we are causing pain to the person we are holding a grudge against, but the truth is, we are only hurting ourselves. The person you are holding a grudge against probably pays no mind to the grudge you are holding against them, and they might not even be aware of it. Instead of allowing your life to continue to be controlled by anger and hate, choose today to not allow your grudges to control your life.

The Lord can help you if you ask Him. Nothing is too hard for Him. Everything in our life is a choice, and the only way to be freed from our grudges is to have God’s help. We have to willingly choose to ask Him to help us let go of our grudges, allowing us to have freedom from the grudges that we hold. Many of the grudges that we have could be decades in the making, but we have to let go of them. If you continue to allow the grudge to rule your life, it will only continue causing pain, anger, and misery.

Extending Grace to the Other Person and Yourself

When you are in a place where you can truly let go of a grudge, you will find that it is important to extend grace to the person you hold a grudge against, as well as to extend grace to yourself. All of the pain that this individual caused you is seen and valid. In no way does letting go of a grudge mean that what they did is okay or not severe. What they did caused you much pain, and in no way should this be invalidated.

All of your pain is validated. Through your pain, you have become more aware of the anger and hate that can rise in your heart when someone hurts you. Maybe this person was someone very close to you, and you loved them very much. Try to look past the wrong and forgive them as the Lord has forgiven you. The individual probably does not deserve the grace you are extending to them, but neither did we deserve the grace God extended to us by sending His Son to die for our sins.

This is one of the harder parts of following Jesus—we have to actually follow His teachings. By all possible means, the Lord could have cultivated a grudge against all of us because it is our fault that He had to die for our sins and suffer on the cross. However, never do we see the Lord holding a grudge against us. The Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit never hold a grudge against us. Instead, they forgive us because they love us. We need to see this as a model to follow.

It is us as humans who caused the fall and caused sin to enter into the world. While there were consequences for Adam and Eve’s disobedience, never does God hold a grudge against them. Instead, we see the Lord descending from heaven to repair our broken relationship with the Father. This is what we must do as believers. We have to extend grace and mercy to the person we are holding a grudge against. Even if they don’t deserve our forgiveness and grace, we still need to extend it.

In the same way, we also have to extend forgiveness to ourselves. It is difficult not to be so hard on ourselves, but this is something that we must do. After we have moved forward from a grudge, we might feel regret and anger that we allowed a grudge to consume so many years of our life. This will cause us to feel anger and resentment within ourselves, yet we must not feed into these feelings. Instead, we need to extend grace, mercy, and forgiveness to ourselves.

It is hard to let go of a grudge, but with the Lord’s help, it is possible.

Photo Credit: ©Getty Images-Monkey Business Images

Vivian Bricker obtained a Bachelor of Arts in Ministry, followed by a Master of Arts with an emphasis in theology. She loves all things theology, mission work, and helping others learn about Jesus. Find more of her content at Cultivate: https://cultivatechristianity.wordpress.com/.

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Coping with Not Being Wanted

admin — Mon, 09 Jun 2025 07:50:37 +0000

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For most of my life, I have had a complicated relationship with my family. Due to past and present wounds, it can be hard for me to want to talk to a few select members. While I have expressed my feelings, nothing has changed. My therapist once told me that if I shared my feelings with them, they would take them to heart and change their actions. After listening to my therapist, I went and put this teaching into action, but nothing changed.

All I got was, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” said in a condescending tone. For most of my adult life, I’ve been trying to learn that it is okay if my family doesn’t love me or care about me as they should. Life is more complicated than what we see in movies or books. Sometimes there is no happy ending because we live in a fallen world.

My relationship with my family has been especially hard lately, and it has chipped away at me for quite some time. I want to have a strong family relationship, but they don’t seem to want to spend any time with me or care about my feelings. It hurts my feelings, to say the least, but I’m trying to learn how to be okay with not being okay. As strange as it sounds, I know it is possible.

Heeding Wise Words

My sister has had a similar experience with my dad, and she doesn’t talk to him much anymore. Similar to myself, she wanted to have a strong relationship with him, yet she learned in our teenage years that it would never happen. It was my mom who taught her how to skateboard, build model cars, and build model ships. My sister had bought these things with the hope that my dad would do these things with her, but he never did.

However, the silver lining is that my mom did. My mom stepped in despite her 12-hour job and did each of these things with my sister. She taught her how to skateboard, even though my mom didn’t know how to skateboard, and she also built the model kits with her. While my dad didn’t want to do these things, my mom did, and that helped my sister feel much better.

But what are you supposed to do when your mom has passed away? Sometimes it seems like the world should have ended when my mom died. A part of my life ended when she passed away, and it can be hard to move forward some days. While my mom wasn’t perfect, she did try her best, and I know she cared about us. Maybe it wasn’t in the traditional way, but she did love us.

Not Being Consumed with Anger

I have a problem with anger, and I’m not going to downplay it. My entire family has struggled with anger, so it is not surprising that I picked up on this behavior too. Whenever I try to talk with difficult family members, the anger consumes me. I’m mad that they don’t see things from my point of view, and more so, I am mad because they don’t even try. When I bring up something that is bothering me, it is shrugged off and not seen as important.

And then I’m just left to sit in my feelings.

As I was walking the other day, I told myself, “It is okay if they don’t care about you. You’ll be okay.” I cried after saying this because nobody wants to come to the realization that some of your family members don’t care about you. None of us wants to face this, yet for many of us, it is true.

We live in a fallen world, and this means that even our family can hurt us. By not being there for us, saying hurtful words, and not helping us, it all displays to us that we don’t matter. Sometimes we have to learn that we don’t matter to some people, but it doesn’t mean that we are worthless to God. Many members of my family have made me feel worthless, but I know I’m seen as beloved in God’s eyes—and you are too (Jeremiah 31:3).

Our family might not care, but God does. It is painful to know that many parents don’t care about their children. It shouldn’t be this way, yet for so many children, they know they are seen as a bother or a burden. For those of us who know this, we need to accept the pain; however, we don’t need to allow it to consume us. We don’t need to give in to anger or resentment. Instead, we need to turn to Jesus.

When everyone else doesn’t want us, God does. When others don’t care about us, God does. When we are not loved by our own family, God loves us.

Reflect on these truths rather than letting the pain eat away at you. The pain will try to hurt us from time to time, yet we can always cling to the promise that God loves us always. His love will never waver or change (Romans 8:37-39). God’s love will never fail us because it is rooted in His perfect character.

Putting Your Best Foot Forward

It is a natural reaction to want to make the person who hurt us feel bad about what they have done to us, yet we must not retaliate. God wants us to love them regardless. Whether our family or friends, we are called to love everyone (John 13:34-35). This love shows that we belong to Jesus and we are walking in obedience to Him.

Each time we feel anger or resentment, we need to give these feelings over to the Lord. The Apostle Peter tells us, “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7). Jesus cares about us. Take this truth to heart and know that you can turn to Him with anything. By turning to Him and resting in His love, we will be able to put our best foot forward. Rather than being consumed by our pain, we will be able to move forward to a better life.

It is a tragedy that many of us have broken families and bad relationships with family members, but sadly, most of us cannot change them. If the person doesn’t want to change, there is nothing we can do. All we can do is give the situation over to Jesus and preserve our well-being. Maybe this means spending some time away from family for a while and reconnecting down the road.

This might give everyone a chance to get their bearings. Sadly, many of us will return, only to be met with the same pain. I want you to have the best life, and sometimes this means letting go of what is binding you. We can love our family while preserving our well-being. In other words, we can continue to love them and do what is right without having to be around them.

God doesn’t call us to bear it and grin. Instead, He calls us out of darkness and into His beautiful life. Our families might continue to hurt us and inflict lasting wounds on our hearts, but it doesn’t mean we have to return the same hurtful actions. Instead, we can follow Jesus, love others, and know that we are wanted by Him.

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