Everyday Scripts That Turn Rivalry Into Teamwork: Building Stronger Sibling Bonds in 2026

By Jordan Reed – Relationship & Family Advisor

Have you ever walked into a room to find your kids locked in a battle over a toy, their voices rising like a storm? It’s a scene I know all too well in our Texas home, where my two energetic boys, ages 7 and 9, can turn a simple playtime into an epic showdown. But what if I told you that with a few everyday scripts that turn rivalry into teamwork, you can shift those moments from chaos to collaboration? As a 39-year-old couples counselor and dad, I’ve seen firsthand how these simple phrases and routines transform family dynamics. Drawing from my anniversary reflections on nurturing bonds that last—amid our weekly family game rituals where laughter always wins—this guide is your New Year’s toolkit for fostering sibling harmony in 2026. Whether it’s toy tug-of-wars or jealousy flares, these everyday scripts that turn rivalry into teamwork empower kids to support each other, building emotional intelligence for life.

In this fast-paced world, sibling rivalry is inevitable, but it’s also an opportunity. With insights from the American Academy of Pediatrics and the Gottman Institute, we’ll dive into de-escalation, repair, and proactive strategies. By the end, you’ll have actionable tools to make 2026 the year your family thrives together.

Why Sibling Rivalry Happens and How Everyday Scripts Promote Teamwork

Sibling rivalry roots in basic needs: attention, fairness, and identity. Kids compete for resources, but unguided, it breeds resentment. Everyday scripts that turn rivalry into teamwork teach empathy and cooperation, turning “me vs. you” into “us together.” Studies from the Child Mind Institute show neutral parenting reduces conflicts by 50%, fostering long-term bonds.

In my counseling sessions, families report less tension when parents model calm. Start viewing rivalry as teachable—guide kids toward shared success, like our family rituals where everyone contributes to game night victories.

For more on family unity, check cherishing moments together as family.

dreamstime.com

Happy Family Puzzle Stock Illustrations – 6,070 Happy Family …

Caption: Siblings collaborating on a puzzle, embodying everyday scripts that turn rivalry into teamwork.

De-Escalation Scripts: Pausing Chaos to Spark Collaboration

When tempers flare, de-escalation is your first line of defense. Say “Pause. Bodies safe” calmly at eye level to stop actions without blame. This phrase helps kids self-regulate, creating breathing room.

Next, narrate neutrally: “I see two kids who want the same thing.” Validate feelings, then ask “Check in: are you okay or not okay?” Suggest options like deep breaths or a fidget toy—the exact spinner set we keep handy for tense moments.

These everyday scripts that turn rivalry into teamwork prevent escalation, backed by Gottman Institute research on emotional coaching. Practice during calm times, like our evening wind-downs, to make them habit.

Expand with examples: If it’s a grab for the remote, intervene early—”Hands off, words on”—teaching respect. Over time, kids internalize this, reducing incidents by empowering self-control.

See finding calm in everyday moments for more regulation tips.

Repair Scripts: Healing Hurts to Strengthen Sibling Team Bonds

Repair builds trust. For the instigator: “Your hands weren’t safe. Next time, use words. Fix it with an apology, ice, a drawing, or space?” This teaches accountability without shame.

For the hurt child: “Do you want space, a hug, or my lap? Share what you need when ready.” End with “We repair and try again in this family.”

These everyday scripts that turn rivalry into teamwork foster forgiveness, as per Psychology Today studies on sibling resilience. In our home, post-conflict hugs during game nights reinforce this—mistakes are stepping stones.

Add variety: If words stung, prompt “That hurt my feelings because… What can we do differently?” Role-play during neutral times to build skills.

focusonthefamily.com

Siblings Can Learn to Be Kind to One Another – Focus on the Family

Caption: Siblings hugging after resolving conflict, showcasing the power of repair scripts.

Sharing and Turn-Taking Scripts: Fostering Generosity Over Competition

Avoid forced sharing; it fuels rivalry. Try “You don’t have to be done. Be generous with ______.” Use timers: “5 minutes or offer when ready—your choice?”

For waiting: “Waiting’s hard. What’s your plan?” Stock a basket with books or the fidget toys we love for distractions.

These everyday scripts that turn rivalry into teamwork promote fairness, per AAP guidelines. Our boys now negotiate turns during Lego builds, turning potential fights into joint creations.

Examples: For board games, say “Winner helps set up the next round.” This shifts focus to ongoing play, building patience.

Link to essential tools for long-distance love for boundary parallels.

news.sanfordhealth.org

Tips for training toddlers to share – Sanford Health News

Caption: Children sharing toys with a timer, practicing generosity scripts.

Solution-Focused Scripts: From Blame to Win-Win Team Strategies

Move past accusations: “Tell me your goal.” Coach compromises like “Truck for laps, then trade.”

Ask “What are two fair options?” Let kids brainstorm, or suggest—empowering ownership.

These everyday scripts that turn rivalry into teamwork develop negotiation, as seen in Gottman studies. In sessions, families report 40% fewer arguments with this approach.

Real-life: During our rituals, if one dominates, I prompt “How can both ideas fit?” It sparks creativity, like hybrid game rules.

Teamwork-Building Routines: Micro-Missions for Daily Collaboration

Create “two-person jobs”: “Basket needs drivers—who steers, pushes?”

“Beat the buzzer”: “3 minutes for shoes—go-team!” These make chores fun, like our kitchen clean-ups turned races.

Everyday scripts that turn rivalry into teamwork via routines build positive habits. Harvard studies link shared tasks to empathy growth.

Expand: Weekly “sibling challenges” like building forts together—reward with praise, strengthening bonds.

shutterstock.com

Group Children Work Together Win Happy

Caption: Kids teaming up on household chores, turning tasks into fun.

Jealousy and Comparison Scripts: Anchoring Security in the Team

Address envy: “Every kid gets what they need, not always the same.” “Your special turn’s coming”—follow with a handshake ritual.

These everyday scripts that turn rivalry into teamwork reduce resentment, per expert insights. Our anniversary date nights model balance, teaching kids individual value.

Examples: If one gets praise, say “I’m proud of your effort too—what’s your win?” This equalizes attention.

Explore nurturing your mental fitness.

Praise and Family Meetings: Reinforcing Teamwork Daily

Praise process: “Noticed teamwork—you checked on your sibling.” This encourages collaboration.

Hold weekly meetings: “One win?” Problem-solve, assign roles like Peacekeeper. Close with excitements.

These routines embed everyday scripts that turn rivalry into teamwork. In my practice, families see harmony spike with consistency.

Combine with tweaks: For age gaps, “Big kids lead, little ones have rights.” Create “yes zones” for belongings.

edutopia.org

Restorative Justice Circles for the Elementary Classroom | Edutopia

Caption: Family having a calm discussion in a meeting circle.

Handling Special Dynamics: Scripts for Overwhelm, New Babies, and More

When overwhelmed, micro-pause: Cold water on wrists, tag partner.

For new babies: “You remember being little—more cuddles make sense.” Jobs like lullaby choice integrate siblings.

These everyday scripts that turn rivalry into teamwork adapt to life changes. Our home adjusted post-baby with “big helper” roles.

Scenario scripts: “Took my stuff?” “Say ‘I’m not done.'” Name-calling: “Try again kindly.” Physical: “Bodies safe, fix hurt.”

Build language: Post phrases like “We repair.”

When to Seek Professional Support for Teamwork Challenges

If aggression lingers or fear emerges, consult therapists. American Academy of Pediatrics resources help.

Support bolsters your team—I’ve referred families, seeing transformations.

For insights, read the four horsemen: defensiveness.

salemhealth.org

Help your child be a ‘super sibling’ when the new baby comes

Caption: Family welcoming new baby with older siblings helping.

Essential Products for Sibling Teamwork Success

Support routines with these favorites—the exact ones boosting our game nights.

1. Conversation Cards for Families – For meaningful meetings.
2. Lego Classic Medium Creative Brick Box – Joint projects, currently 20% off—grab quick.
3. Timer for Kids – Fair turns.
4. Fidget Toys Set – Waiting distractions.
5. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Book – Family insights.
6. Family Board Game Night Set – Ritual fun.
7. Meditation Cushion for Kids – Calm check-ins.
8. Essential Oils Diffuser – Soothing repairs.

Wrapping Up: Your 2026 Plan for Lifelong Sibling Teamwork

These everyday scripts that turn rivalry into teamwork offer a fresh start this New Year. From my reflections, consistent practice builds enduring bonds. Implement one script today—watch the magic.

P.S. Ready to deepen your family connections? Sign up for our free relationship quiz newsletter—get personalized tips to build even stronger bonds!

Related Posts

• 5 Unexpected Ways to Show Your Spouse Appreciation This Thanksgiving
• The Four Horsemen: Defensiveness
• Nurturing Your Mental Fitness
• Embracing Purpose-Driven Journeys Together
• Gentle Parenting: A Compassionate Approach

Will Our Kids Have a Better Life in the Suburbs Than In Brooklyn?

Q

Since having our second kid, living in brooklyn has become so expensive and cramped, but we have so many friends here, I love the access to arts and culture and everything city life brings. My wife wants to move either to where my parents live or where her parents live (both are suburbs in the midwest) so we can have childcare help, cos all our parents are retired. also she wants to buy a house that is big enough for them to have separate bedrooms, in a neighborhood where kids play on the street.

I understand this financially because we don’t have much savings at this point due to COL, but it breaks my heart to think about taking our kids away from all this culture and from all of our friends, and their friends, to places I’m frankly not wild about, that will have less queer people than Brooklyn, which is so queer-normative. But maybe I’m just holding onto my youth. Thoughts on leaving the city for the suburbs? recently disclosed to my best friend that I watch straight porn and she was massively icked out and now I feel gross and sad. We were having an intimate conversation about porn preferences and I told her something I’ve never told anyone else: that even though I’m a lesbian I watch and get off to stereotypical straight porn sometimes that has certain power dynamics. She literally recoiled and then tried to insinuate this is like rooted in trauma or something fucked up from my past, that it’s not normal for lesbians to watch only straight porn. I felt judged and insecure and tried to walk it back. I feel like she’s questioning my lesbianism. We became best friends in the first place because we were the first lesbians each other knew. It’s why I felt safe telling her.

A:

Valerie: Is there a way you could compromise, if you’re not willing to move to the midwest? Move to a suburb just outside the city, close enough for easy day trips and visiting friends, but not as expensive or close quarters as Brooklyn? I know that wouldn’t bring you closer to your parents, but it might check the rest of your boxes. I’ve lived in NYC for the past 15+ years and I can’t imagine moving too far away from it. I know the temptation of moving close to free childcare is real, and having your kids be able to spend more time with their grandparents, but if YOU are going to be miserable there, that won’t be good for you, your relationship, or the kids. There has to be a better solution where you can all be happy.

Summer: Thinking about uprooting is never easy. I know you don’t want to leave the queer arts and culture scene in Brooklyn. It’s reasonable to feel that. But how does the financial stress and childcare stress weigh against the quality-of-life for you and your family? Your kids won’t be permanently exposed to arts and culture while they’re in Brooklyn. Especially in their earliest years. But they will be exposed to their parents’ financial and interpersonal stress the whole time. And the cramped space is equally permanent. Brooklyn arts and culture is something that only starts paying off for your children in the long-to-lifetime run. Improved childcare, space, and less stressed parents are relevant every single day of their lives.

That’s not to exclude the possibility that you’ll be more stressed if you move away. Moving is one of the most stressful activities people regularly undertake. And it’s always a compromise between a fixed reality and a potential future. This decision is too big for me to call for either side. But I think it’d be helpful to consider what a successful move could do for your family’s collective well-being, not just what you’re losing by leaving Brooklyn.

Ashni: As a Brooklyn resident, I gotta say, I’m firmly on your side. I love living in Brooklyn. Everyone is gay when I walk down the street! Yesterday, I saw an ad looking for polycules to be interviewed for a documentary. But the high cost of living is real, and it’s only getting worse (fingers crossed Mamdani can help us). I really think y’all should weigh the things you’d gain from moving to the Midwest ‘burbs (free childcare, lower cost of living) against the things you’d lose (the Brooklyn Public Library, Prospect Park, The Lesbian Herstory Archives, art galleries, and most importantly, the community that you’ve built). To Valerie’s point, is there a way that you can have most of the things you’re looking for? There are pockets of the Hudson Valley and North Jersey that are fairly accessible by train, that would give you access to all the things in the city that you care about, but where you might be able to find a home with a little more room. Also, the Hudson Valley is gay and artsy as hell. I feel like it’s every other city dyke’s dream to buy a fixer-upper upstate. If you’d rather stay a city resident, there must be pockets of other boroughs where you could find slightly more room for what you’re paying? I don’t see a way out of the free childcare, unfortunately, but I do know that some gyms offer free childcare for like, an hour or two, and maybe being out of the city will give you cheaper childcare options.

Sa’iyda: As a fellow parent (and a native New Yorker), I get both sides of this dilemma! It’s very hard to want to leave NYC for all of the reasons you mentioned. It’s a great place culturally to raise a kid and be a queer family. But holy shit is it expensive! I left NYC in 2017 because it was getting wildly out of my price range (granted I moved to LA, but I digress.) There are so many times I miss New York, but the main reason? Access to free childcare.

Being a parent is very expensive! I don’t know how old your kids are, but I know daycare is extremely expensive and eats up most families’ budgets. And babysitters are also incredibly expensive. So even a date night will cost you hundreds of dollars for a few hours of fun. It’s really upsetting.

I don’t know where in the Midwest your families live, but pretty much every major city has culture. Tours of Broadway shows go almost everywhere nowadays, and will be much cheaper than seeing the show in NYC with the same caliber of talent. There are museums and botanical gardens and zoos and historical sites all over. And there are queer parents everywhere too. They may take a little more time to find, but I promise they’re there. I think if moving will improve the quality of life for your kids (and access to their grandparents if you have good relationships with your parents is definitely a bonus), you should seriously consider it. Also, did I mention how expensive childcare is?

Nico: I know you’re thinking of your parents as support, but what about the support — emotional and otherwise — that you receive from your friends, that and all the other benefits of being near your queer buds. As others have pointed out, you need to deeply consider whether a move to the midwest will affect your happiness and well-being such that it affects not just you, but your kids, your partnership, everything. There’s more to life than a bigger house, and plenty of people were raised sharing bedrooms and turned out no more or less fine than those who had their own.

And you’re right that you’re currently in a queer-normative spot, and even moving a little further outside of the city would still keep you within a pretty queer-friendly radius. It’s not going to be that way in the midwest, so something I think you should also really consider is what life would be like for your kids growing up with queer parents in a more conservative area with fewer fellow queer people and queer parents around. Is there a chance that they won’t feel as comfortable or as welcome? How does that measure up against “playing in the street”? You don’t say how old your kids are, but, another thing to consider is whether any of your kids are queer or trans or might be. If you think that might be the case, to be honest, with the disparity in access to care and services — and the downright persecution of parents of queer/trans kids in some areas — it might be better to stay put in New York State.

With all this, there are schools to consider, too. Your or your wife’s parents could live in an amazing school district — I don’t have access to this info — but it might also be a school district where, like all schools in Iowa for example, teachers aren’t allowed to teach “divisive concepts.” In New York, you’ve got access to magnet schools, charter schools, a whole bunch of options to explore when it comes to educating your kids. I know it’s not an easy decision to make, and that childcare is super expensive, but there are more benefits to living where you are than just the culture and the general queerness — it’s also safety, and education, and considering what supports will and won’t be there for you and your family in the future, depending on where you live. And on the other hand, you have free childcare to consider, possibly a bigger living space, things like that. It’s a lot to process, but I hope presenting some of these things gives you some aspects to consider and research as you two discuss your options.

Riese: It’s hard to generalize about the midwest because it’s such a mixed bag — I grew up in a midwestern college town (Ann Arbor, Michigan) that is as homogeneously liberal as New York City, and there are plenty more towns like it (Columbus! Madison! Urbana! Bloomington! Iowa City!). Most midwestern cities big enough to have suburbs are liberal areas, from Des Moines to Chicago. There will be culture and there will be queer people. But of course, not as many queer people as there are in Brooklyn, and there won’t be as many of the same types of queers you’ll find in someplace like NYC. BUT you will find a lot of transplants like yourself. I have friends who moved to a liberal part of Alabama to be closer to family for childcare help, and they did eventually find queer friends and community, and are very happy there. On the flipside, in the classic Netflix series The Hunting Wives, Sophie moved to rural Texas and then got all mixed up with murder and mayhem.

Butttt you did say you’re “not wild about” either of the places where you have family, which makes me feel like you should stay in Brooklyn or find a place near where your families live that you *are* wild about. Even being a few hours away could enable you to have some help with childcare without being in an area where you can’t find community or schools that reflect your values.

My Partner Has Financial Know-How, and I Have Financial Trauma

Q

My partner (we’re both in our late 20s) is always talking about things like retirement plans and CDs (not the music kind, it turns out!!!!!) and other financial shit that she seemingly knows a lot about and thinks I should know a lot about, but I don’t! My financial knowledge is not great. My parents were often in debt when I was growing up, and I have a lot of trauma around talking about money in the ways my partner talks about it, especially because I have sort of just always gone through life assuming retirement funds were for people who are not me. I’m responsible. I pay my bills. But I’ve mostly lived paycheck to paycheck in a way my partner doesn’t understand. We’ve been together about four years now and I can see us getting married, at which point I suppose our finances will be more entangled so I do want to make sure I’m not dragging her down with me, but are there actually accessible ways to learn about these things? Every time I ask my partner questions I feel like she’s judging me and it just turns into an argument usually.

A

Summer: Hey OP. Listen, if you’ve been together for that long and things are still moving forward, you’re not a burden. No relationship has truly identical financial backgrounds and experience unless like what, they’re identical twins? Ew.

I’d normally write stuff about how you can approach the topic with her to pick up more financial literacy, or how to learn from other resources but… What does concern me is that discussing it with her leads to an argument. It’s never a good sign if a relationship can’t achieve consensus on finances. Managing resources and labour (financially) are as critical to a relationship’s future as any other aspect. It quite literally gives you food, shelter, and health.

And while there are good ways to learn about financial management as a late bloomer, that won’t address how unfair it is for you to feel belittled when the topic comes up with your girlfriend. You can address the financial side of this situation, but I fear that it’s not sustainable or good for you to always cater to her when she treats you that way.

Ashni: Yes, there are accessible ways to learn about these things! You might be living paycheck to paycheck now, but it’s entirely possible that you won’t be forever, and building financial knowledge now will help you longer-term. I read Ramit Sethi’s “I Will Teach You To Be Rich” last year which I don’t … want to recommend because I remember parts of it rubbed me the wrong way, but it was a really accessible way to learn more about finances. If you’re not already on the credit card train / building your credit, that’s another thing to look into if you can. Summer’s Reddit recs are great, I’ve leaned on r/PersonalFinance myself. I do agree, though, that your partner judging you for questions and having conversations turn into arguments when you’re just trying to learn more is… not great.

Em: Money is a charged subject, but I feel like the social stigma around talking about it is one of the biggest structural forces that keeps money unequally distributed in our society. You’re fighting the good fight by taking this on, opening up and having the conversation!! There is no shame in having different levels of financial literacy, the world and the system is literally set up to have it that way. The fact you are pre-empting that it might be a knowledge gap that could cause friction for you and your partner, is super thoughtful and smart from my point of view. Practicality and pragmatic thought like this is its own kind of romance!

Already seems like you are getting more comfortable being vulnerable and engaging with that money-panic from your past experiences – have you opened up to your partner about this? Perhaps if you give her the context she will be better equipped to reassure you and to intentionally create a judgement-free space as you share knowledge and make financial plans together. In partnership it’s a constant exchange of strengths and weaknesses, and so it’s ok to be supported and be the one “learning” in this domain. I’m sure there are other areas where you bring expertise and pull ahead.

Nico: Why is it becoming an argument when you aren’t very financially entangled, yet? I think that your partner needs to be able to engage with you about things you don’t know as much about with a kind and understanding approach. You have said yourself that you have different backgrounds. As someone who comes from a family where we were often strapped (and my dad has described our circumstances in my early years as “dirt poor”), it is so incredibly jarring to deal with people who have always had a much greater sense of stability. I want to push back at the thought in your mind that you’re “dragging her down” with you. You said that you pay your bills. You’ve managed in the ways you know how. Not everyone has a retirement plan. You can get one when you’re able, but not everyone has the opportunity until later in life, and some people never have the opportunity at all. Honestly, it’s a bad system and no one should need to fear for survival in their old age, but here we are. You are not bad or wrong for working hard your whole life and only being able to just live paycheck to paycheck. Most people are in this situation. Your partner should not be making you feel bad about any of this, and I think that is a conversation in and of itself.

Now, with what you’re talking about, I think your first project is simply some more financial literacy. This should not cost you a thing if you make use of a library or other free source for books. Here is a list on Reddit of financial resources to get your started. Once you know more about the jargon involved, it’s going to be so much easier to make informed and confident choices. Move steadily, but at your own pace. And if your partner can’t discuss finances with you reasonably and calmly, I want to encourage you to consider that a marriage is also a financial arrangement, and that many relationships can suffer from financial disagreements. I suggest that if you are determined to make things work and these problems continue, that you seek couples counseling. Wishing you tons of luck on your journey towards knowing more! (About made up things!)

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I love talking about birth order. I love being able to guess if someone is a middle or a youngest, if they’re the eldest daughter or just the eldest child — it’s fascinating. Stereotypes about birth order are stereotypes for a reason, and some have been grounded in truth for so long, it just feels like a given that all middle children are a little sensitive. (As a middle child, I’m allowed to say that.)

But if there’s one birth order stereotype I wonder about the most, it’s the eldest daughter trope. I have three daughters, and while I assumed most eldest daughters of the family are bred that way by Type-A moms, it seems my own eldest daughter — who is most definitely not being raised by a Type-A mom — has already taken on some of the classic characteristics.

Like when she sees me attempting a DIY project and asks for my phone so she can prepare to dial 911. Or when she says “be careful” more to the toddler than I do. Or when we were at a neighbor’s party once and her little sister was hiding and she burst into tears because she thought she’d lost her own sister and she had potentially been kidnapped and it was all her fault.

But can I stop my eldest daughter from being an eldest daughter?

“The eldest daughter stereotype is the confluence of age and gender expectations,” says licensed psychotherapist Ciara Bogdanovic, owner and founder at Sagebrush Psychotherapy. “It is a result of cultural expectations of women as natural caretakers and homemakers. Even when she’s not literally the first child, the eldest girl often gets cast as the reliable one, the helper, the organizer, the second parent. Families rarely assign these roles to eldest sons in the same way. That’s less about biology and more about how society conditions girls to take responsibility and nurture.”

I love talking about birth order. I love being able to guess if someone is a middle or a youngest, if they’re the eldest daughter or just the eldest child — it’s fascinating. Stereotypes about birth order are stereotypes for a reason, and some have been grounded in truth for so long that it just feels like a given that all middle children are a little sensitive. (As a middle child, I’m allowed to say that.)

But if there’s one birth order stereotype I wonder about the most, it’s the eldest daughter trope. I have three daughters, and while I assumed most eldest daughters of the family are bred that way by Type-A moms, it seems my own eldest daughter — who is most definitely not being raised by a Type-A mom — has already taken on some of the classic characteristics.

Like when she sees me attempting a DIY project and asks for my phone so she can prepare to dial 911. Or when she says “be careful” more to the toddler than I do. Or when we were at a neighbor’s party once and her little sister was hiding, and she burst into tears because she thought she’d lost her own sister and she had potentially been kidnapped and it was all her fault.

But can I stop my eldest daughter from being an eldest daughter?

“The eldest daughter stereotype is the confluence of age and gender expectations,” says licensed psychotherapist Ciara Bogdanovic, owner and founder at Sagebrush Psychotherapy. “It is a result of cultural expectations of women as natural caretakers and homemakers. Even when she’s not literally the first child, the eldest girl often gets cast as the reliable one, the helper, the organizer, the second parent. Families rarely assign these roles to eldest sons in the same way. That’s less about biology and more about how society conditions girls to take responsibility and nurture.”

So yeah, fam. This one’s on us.

Bogdanovic says that if you want to prevent your own eldest daughter from feeling the pressure (yes, I’m listening), then we have to observe our own assumptions and biases. “Ask yourself if you’re treating your eldest daughter different than your other children, and if you’re placing expectations on her that outweigh the responsibilities placed on your other children.” She says you should also make sure not to delegate adult responsibilities to your eldest daughter because you expect her to be capable and the leader of her siblings.

Now, obviously, an eldest child is going to have more responsibilities than a younger child, but Bogdanovic says you need to then just assign age-appropriate and equal chores and responsibilities to all of your children. “Seek caretaking and household support from other adults in your life, like family members, neighbors, teachers, and babysitters, rather than leaning on your eldest daughter. Recognize that she is living her one and only childhood and honor that.”

(For the record, I did not ask her to keep an eye on her sister at that neighbor’s party. She just assumed she had to… which might be my fault.)

And if you find that you have an eldest daughter who seems naturally inclined to be a leader and take charge, there’s a way to foster that without giving too much pressure. “Leadership is an incredible skill worth nurturing, but not capitalizing on,” says Bogdanovic. “Leadership does not mean self-sacrifice. Observe what brings your daughter joy and what causes frustration and resistance. That gives clues to whether she is leading from passion or pressure.”

She also emphasizes that a valuable lesson when it comes to being a leader is ensuring your daughter knows she doesn’t have to put others’ needs above her own. You should also check in often on what she needs and listen to her concerns.

“She doesn’t need to carry everyone’s burdens and ‘hold it all together.’ Teach your other children to take care of their own needs as well, so it does not all land on one person to carry the burden,” Bogdanovic adds. “Validate her choices and desires and don’t override her desires for the desires of your other children.”

Sometimes being the big sibling means feeling like you have to give up certain things for the good of the family, but honoring that narrative by making it equal across the board — like younger siblings not being allowed to do something they want if it interferes with your eldest daughter’s schedule in a negative way, etc. — can help create a family dynamic where nobody feels burdened or left out and everybody knows to pitch in equally.

We may not be able to stop our eldest daughters from feeling like the leaders of the family or from their natural take-charge attitudes, but we can help foster their light so it never feels like it’s burning out.

They, 100%, are still going to act like you don’t know how to take care of their little siblings when they leave for college, though.

Why Does It Feel So Different When It’s Chosen Family?

Q.

My wife and I have a weekend trip planned — our first since the birth of our adorable daughter! We’re friends with a couple who adore our daughter and have often watched her for short periods of time, who we call Aunt and Uncle,  and who said they’d be more than happy to watch her while we’re on our trip. But my wife is very uncomfortable with the idea of not paying them to do so. They have not asked for payment at all, but I don’t know what proper etiquette is here.  I’m not sure how I feel about it. 

On the one hand, they both have jobs and are financially comfortable, own their own home (we do not), and we are less so, mainly due to our daughter. However, they are starting the IVF process themselves right now, which we know from experience is very expensive. If we did pay them, would it be what we’d pay a normal sitter? Because MY argument is that if we are planning to pay them as much as a regular sitter, I don’t think we can afford to take a trip at all!

I asked my wife if she would feel uncomfortable having a biological family member watch our child for free and she said no, I asked why it’s different with chosen family. She said she knows it is different, but honestly I cannot put my finger on it exactly and neither can she! Is it a quid pro quo situation? That my parents would watch my child for free, but likely also expect us to care for them in old age? Would it make a difference if they didn’t expect that of us? I feel as though that’s not a sensical angle because there’s no way any amount of caretaking I do for my parents in the future would outweigh the time they spent actually raising me!  Is it because our daughter is my parents’ actual grandchild, a bond that remains for life, whereas it’s possible our child’s chosen Aunt and Uncle might not remain in their life forever, if they move or we move or something like that? Is it the exclusivity? That we can’t all extend free favors to everyone in the world, thus we tend to limit that dynamic to officially “familial” connections? That’s what family does for family? OR another thought, if they do succeed and have a child themselves, I can see us offering to babysit the other one’s kids a lot in the future, so in that case, it will all even out in the end?

Now that I’ve turned this advice question into an existential thoughtstarter —any thoughts? (And thank you, by the way, for everything you do at Autostraddle!)

A:

Summer: <3

I won’t go into the social side of why your girlfriend finds it okay to place childcare on biological relatives but not chosen relatives. That’s not my area. My area is compensation and fairness, because my brain silly.

From the top, I think it’s okay to want to reciprocate their labour with compensation. Wanting reciprocation is the sign of a mind that believes in fairness. And childcare is costly in money and effort – I’m sure you’re aware of that already. But compensation doesn’t just have to be money. It can be a favour owed, even if it’s not of the same magnitude. It can be a thoughtful gift or three from your trip. Something hand-made. And if they’re offering to look after your kid, I’d consider it polite to offer them something in return. It’s their right to turn it down.

Were I in your shoes and if my partner were fine with the care, I’d definitely express to these loved ones that you want to pay them back ‘somehow’. Even if it’s not money, you can tell them that you’d feel dreadful if you didn’t do something in return. Even just buying them dinner, bringing a small gift back, or owing a favour. Reasonable and kind people will understand your desire and let you do something small in return to ‘settle’ the debt entirely.

Valerie: I think a weekend is much different than watching her for a few hours while you go to dinner, and you do have to offer some kind of compensation, even if they refuse. I do agree with Summer that it doesn’t necessarily have to be financial. Regardless of their financial situation (which you can’t know just from knowing they have jobs and own a home), everyone’s time is valuable, and that should be acknowledged in some way. If you can offer them some money, that is an option, and I don’t think it has to be the kind of hourly rate you’d pay a stranger; it also does feel a little impersonal for friends who your kid call Auntie and Uncle. That feels more like something you would do for a less close friend, or if you had to ask them to watch your kid very last minute for some reason. Like Summer said, taking them out to dinner, letting it be clear that you know you owe them a favor, bringing them something back etc, are great options. And frankly, I think you should feel the same way about biological family. Of course, oftentimes grandparents are often clamoring for more time with their grandchild whether or not you need the childcare, so it probably feels different, but their time is valuable, too – especially an entire weekend. It really depends on the person. Even if you say, “let us take you out for dinner to repay you” and they (your friends, OR your parents) refuse and insist it was their pleasure, offering at least acknowledges that you know that they did something for you that they had no obligation to do and that you appreciate them spending their precious time to help you. Honestly, even a hand-written thank you note could go a long way to say “this is not an expectation or obligation you fulfilled” and that you don’t take their assistance for granted.

Kayla: Hey, I think it’s never a bad idea to offer money when someone does you a solid —they can always refuse! It’s a different situation obviously, but my wife and I travel a lot and often tap a mix of bio family (my wife’s son) and chosen family (our closest friends who live nearby) to check in on our cat. It’s generally understood that when it’s just a couple dropbys, we’re not paying (we often leave a little custom gift basket for them though!) but if we’re heading out of town for longer, we’ll offer money. Sometimes they take us up on it. No one is really keeping track. We’ll reciprocate with housesitting/petsitting if they ever need. I think if you don’t want to offer actual payment, a really nice gift basket can go a long way. You just leave it on the counter for them so it’s a surprise when they arrive.

Nico: Luckily, it’s just a weekend trip. I think that if you were going away for longer, it would definitely be wise to budget more for childcare ahead of time — but it’s just the weekend! It’s also your first trip since your kid came, and I am sure your friends know that and are looking forward to helping you all get away. And it also is a whole weekend! I think you should offer an amount of money that you can afford or some other form of reciprocity. Other folks have mentioned offering to buy dinner or giving them a gift basket (you didn’t specify whether they were going to be staying at yours or watching your kid at theirs). I definitely agree that you should probably always bring something back from a trip for friends or family (bio or chosen) who watch kids or pets. With all that though, I know you’re on a tight budget. Are there labor-based exchanges you can offer? You could invite them over for dinner and cook a nice meal (or two) if that’s more affordable for you, or you can find a way to help them out in some other way.

How Do Butch/Masc People Like Being Complemented?

Q:

Hi! Here’s a granular, hopefully not-stressful question for you in these genuinely awful times. I am a femme who dates butches, mascs, studs, chapstick dykes … I historically date people who don’t wear makeup or skirts, who love femmes, and who enjoy the erotics of that contrast. I have given different partners different compliments, but I’m wondering, how do butches/studs/mascs reading this like to be complimented on their looks?? “Beautiful” feels sometimes good but often fraught or too feminine maybe? Am I overthinking this, as someone who wants my lovers to feel seen in their masculinity? “Handsome” makes me feel like a mom complimenting her 8-year-old son before church. Sexy and hot are good, but what if the context is more sweet than sexual? “I really like your hair/lips/shoulders” is good too but not really what I’m asking about. Please tell me how you like femmes to compliment your appearance if this resonates!!

A:

Summer: I’m no butch and I suspect some of the other authors responding won’t be. But I am a nerd who spends too much time concocting compliments.

So they aren’t just handsome. They’re robust and solid. Maybe physically, but also emotionally and it complements you. If they have a traditionally masculine skillset with great utility, they’re handy and reliable. None of this precludes emotional expression or femininity. These are just conventionally masculine qualities that happen to be complimentary. Do you feel secure in their company? Lean into it. Tell them how sheltered they make you feel. If someone’s presence is easy-going but reliable, I enjoy their sturdiness.

I find that really good compliments can apply to someone’s personality and physical presence. The descriptors I’m giving here are like that. But there is a purely physical side. A countenance so steely could shape marble. You want those arms to snap you in half and reassemble you afterward. Legs to tame a rhino. A gaze that assures you that everything will be okay in an unforgiving world. Their touch is light as a feather, yet carries the weight of true assurance.

Try getting poetic sometime. It’s fun and can lead to some great laughs. Mascs don’t get enough compliments and it’s up to us to show them more love or make hilarious mistakes while trying.

Kylo: Hi, a masc here that predominantly dates femmes. Firstly, very sweet that you are considering this so deeply. I can only speak for myself, but honestly I love being complimented in lots of different ways! It depends on the context, but “beautiful” is certainly not off the table for me. If there’s an underlying level of gender affirmation and understanding from my partner, I can be way more open to any kind of compliment. Also, controversial — but I like “handsome”! Caveat, that I’m a trans guy, maybe my stud friends could feel differently.

Mal: As a Stud/masc-presenting person who has a hard time accepting compliments but enjoys hearing them as much as anyone else. I like compliments that feel like you paid attention (if you see something say something. ‘I love how you’re holding that. Your hands are so gorgeous to me.’’) or ones that are specific to things you find attractive, not fascinating but actually beautiful. I don’t think you can go wrong complimenting mascs from a genuine loving place. We all like different things and sometimes I didn’t know a compliment would feel so good until I heard it. So keep trying different things and thank you for considering us!! <3

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“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”~ Carl Jung

My mom had always been invested in real estate. I remember snacking on open house charcuterie years before we finally purchased a house to flip—the first of four. By the time I was eighteen, we’d moved five times.

I knew our family was falling apart by renovation number three.

I had spent the previous few years experiencing suicidal ideation and was now on a strict cocktail of seven or so psychiatric and neurological medications.

My brother was in his sophomore year of college, on academic probation, and coping by mixing alcohol with benzodiazepines.

My mother was expanding a highly ranked vocational services program while struggling with hyperthyroidism and unidentifiable gut health issues.

My father was often missing, either executing his latest scam (upcharging my friends’ parents on cases of local wine) or pursuing the buyer of our latest fixer-upper, who eventually became his second wife.

I couldn’t see the difference between a faulty house and my faulty family. There were constant leaks (tears), water damage (resentment), and cracks in the foundation (domestic violence), and yet there was character, familiarity, and history worth saving.

My family would have rather remained in denial of our structural instabilities, but the increasing severity of my suicidal ideations left me no choice. If I were to survive, I had to dig through the walls of our house and remove whatever was making me sick.

The Inspection

The first step in the renovation process is identifying the problem areas: what can be saved and what must be removed.

Growing up in a narcissistic family system leaves a child with no baseline to compare to. Narcissistic abuse often isolates physical violence to certain people or excludes it entirely, so traditional models of domestic abuse are not comparable.

Identifying narcissistic abuse is an act of decoding a series of games and behaviors that mimic that of an infant. Pathological narcissists are psychologically frozen in the primordial mind, exclusively concerned with getting their needs met without concern for their effect on others.

My father’s unpredictable conduct was like a mold that had spread into every room of the house: insidious, nearly undetectable. He was rarely physically violent but constantly psychologically toying with us.

Common behaviors included hiding necessities, like keys and wallets; ignoring calls, texts, or even our physical existence; triangulating arguments between family members; and harshly punishing mistakes while finding serious offences humorous. The effects of his volatility appeared in a variety of health issues amongst the rest of us. My brother developed a chronic stomach illness, my mom started losing circulation in her hands, and I began experiencing pseudoseizures.

For the sake of my health, I could not continue living in a mold-infested home; both my physical and psychological well-being were compromised. By the end of my inspection, it had become clear that exterminating my father from the home was integral to my recovery. Too much damage had been done. Gutting the house was the only chance I had at saving it.

Demolition Day

There is no clean or precious way to demolish a house. Ripping out vinyl flooring and knocking down drywall is a messy process. Dust scatters everywhere, glass breaks, and rodent feces are found within walls. If one wishes to undergo such a renovation, they must accept that a mess will be made and cleaned up later.

Identifying my father as a narcissistic abuser released me of the narrative that I was mystifyingly crazy, but it also made him crazier. He became firmly unapologetic, insults and neglect were more pointed, and the physical violence amplified. I was rebelling—as normal teenagers do—but my dad responded with harassment, physical intimidation, and complete emotional abandonment.

My compulsive self-loathing morphed into rage. The harm I had been inflicting inward began unfolding outward in bouts of verbal assault, criticism, and bullying. I remember once screaming profanities and threatening suicide to my ex-boyfriend after I had found out he had been hanging out with a group of our friends without telling me. No one was safe from my wrath.

The threads of my father’s personality that were embedded within me had to be explored in their entirety. They had to be acted out and mirrored back at him for the illusion to be shattered.

In defense of my autonomy, I weaponized his insecurities, verbally recognized him as an abuser, and learned to play his game. I was not the character he had made of me: the cowardly, mentally tortured weakling. I could be volatile, ferocious, and wicked. I could be like him.

By the last renovation, my father’s mental illness had become undeniable. The fighting was constant and precisely unveiled his intemperate nature. After we sold the house, my mom filed for divorce from my dad, and I cut all contact with him. This August, it will be ten years since I’ve spoken to him.

When I finally finished tearing through every wall, counter, and cabinet, I discovered the mold was not the only issue; the foundation was rotten too. Cutting contact with my father did not cure my depression or anxiety because he was only one cog in a faulty machine.

Weak Bones

To properly inspect the foundation of a house, one must calculate how each pillar supports the others. For a house to be stable, the materials must be solid, the architecture perfectly calculated, and the ground level.

In systems of abuse, the abuser is not simply a bug that infiltrates and poisons what would be a normally functioning software; the players within these systems are puzzle pieces, all equally contributing to a complete picture. Identifying the role each member plays is integral to deconstructing the family system and potentially saving it from collapse.

After four or five years of therapy and self-study, I accurately identified each family member’s role in the system: The Narcissist, The Enabler, The Golden Child, and The Scapegoat.

One of the burdens of the Scapegoat in the family system is they’re the only participant living in the shared reality yet surrounded by people motivated to remain in a delusion.

The Narcissist trains each member of the group to deny their reality in favor of his or her perception, which makes it difficult for all parties to differentiate reality from fantasy.

The Scapegoat’s ego strength is usually underdeveloped, making it difficult to maintain the position that they can see through the familial matrix. But the pain of abuse makes reality less deniable for them than, say, the Enabler, who believes they can escape the abuse by remaining in denial, or the Golden Child, who is championed and protected for validating the Narcissist’s perception.

Whether they adhere to the delusion or not, the Scapegoat is never rewarded by the Narcissist, nor allied by the other family members.

This is also the best part about being the Scapegoat. They are the most overtly abused and yet the most likely to recover. There is no value in pleasing or maintaining a connection to the Narcissist nor upholding the false narrative they’ve crafted.

There is no motivation to remain in the fantasy, therefore they have nothing to lose in destroying it. If the Scapegoat can deconstruct the self-loathing, victimized role they’ve been cast in, they can escape the system.

Removing the Narcissist does not necessarily unbind each character from their role. Just as my self-identification with mental illness had assisted my father in creating a Scapegoat of me, my mother’s martyrdom made an Enabler of her, and my brother’s mirroring of the behavior made a Golden Child of him. Once the Narcissist is excavated from the system, each member has to deconstruct their relational patterns and personal identity to properly engage in healthy relationships.

For years, my role as the Scapegoat exempted my family from embracing their own responsibility in fostering my father’s verbal and psychological abuses. Even after my father was ostracized, my identification with “mental illness” made me an easy patsy for my family member’s own dysfunction.

They didn’t need to look within themselves to find a leaky pipe; they could point to my hospitalizations, failing grades, and diagnoses. In order to save myself from the dysfunction, I had to become healthy, so undeniably healthy that the damage could not possibly be coming from me.

Starting from Scratch

Tearing down the residual structure is quicker but just as messy as the demolition process. Every trace of the familial programming within the child must be broken down and examined. Homogenous relationships coined by codependency and self-destruction must be excavated from their life.

The child has to accurately differentiate appropriate and inappropriate behavior from both themselves and those around them before walls can be built to protect them from compulsively engaging in more unhealthy behavior.

Building the frame of oneself is an act of identifying core values and beliefs: “What matters most to me? How do I expect to be treated? What will I not stand for?”

I had to swing to the other end of the pendulum to discover which bits of my upbringing were authentic. Every trace of my upbringing had to be removed from my sense of self: politics, humor, religious beliefs. I became artistic where my family was business-minded, empathetic towards those they would have laughed at, and honest when they would have lied.

I became unrecognizable; the preppy, conservative, private school girl morphed into an edgy leftist with a theater degree. I moved from coast to coast, desperate to escape any identification with my past self. I successfully removed an array of self-destructive habits: boundaryless friendships, hypersexuality, and self-identification with mental illness. The house I had built was sturdy and spotless.

In the end, I discovered that my family members and I don’t entirely share the same values, we do not follow the same moral code, and we are not driven by the same aims, but we are not total opposites. New builds are stable but sterile. I needed to sift through the parts of myself I had thrown away in order to feel complete.

Scavenging the Rubble 

After the construction is finalized, the few remaining remnants of the previous house are piled in the lawn, waiting to be sorted. Some of it is junk, but other bits are sentimental relics of the old home, too precious to leave behind. Beams of original hardwood, vintage furniture, and iron bookends are saved and repurposed as charming decor.

Children of narcissistic family systems grow up not as themselves but as a projection of the narcissist’s experience of the child. The child’s honest self isn’t just neglected; it is punished and suffocated. Even identifying preferences is a difficult task.

When I first began searching for my true self beneath the programming, I would have preferred to have found I have nothing in common with my family or the holographic self that had been projected onto me. It’s tempting to order everything new. It can feel clean and picturesque, but truthfully, I couldn’t decorate myself from scratch. If I were to live authentically, I would need to integrate the parts of myself I would have rather abandoned.

In order to determine which remains could be repurposed, I had to ask myself, “Is this piece mine or something that was instilled in me?”

It’s been almost a year since I moved back to my hometown, and I’ve found that these streets that contain my childhood are also beacons leading me back to my missing parts. My charm, my humor, and even my storytelling abilities are all traces of my family members. The timid, morose young girl formed by my upbringing is a character that contributes to my depth. To remove either from my personality would be a denial of my own complexity.

I am still in the process of completing my home, and there is comfort in knowing that it will never end. I may shut a door too hard, causing a frame to fall and need replacing. I may inherit silver from my grandmother that needs polishing. A house needs constant updating and maintenance; we are always renovating ourselves with new experiences, information, and outlooks.

What’s important now is that I have a place of my own. I am not a living projection created by my upbringing, and I can recognize what is mine and what has been given to me. I am a stable, individual structure with my own design and shape, all of which come from within me and nowhere else.

About Shelby Ruth Ellis

Shelby Ruth Ellis is a playwright, screenwriter, and essayist whose work orbits around emotional alchemy, trauma processing, spirituality, and personal growth. Read more of her work on Substack. Want to connect? Follow Shelby on Twitter and Instagram.

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“Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on.” ~Eckhart Tolle

In July 2023, my father died in a tragic accident. We were devastated—my sisters, my mother, and I. Or so I thought.

What followed in the months after his death forced me to confront the truth of my mother’s emotional disconnection, a truth I had sensed but never fully allowed myself to see. In losing my father, I also lost the illusion of the mother I thought I had.

A Sudden Exit

By September, just two months after my father’s death, my mother packed up and left the home we had just helped her settle into. She moved from Florida to Alabama to be with a man she had secretly loved for years—her high school crush. A man she had long referred to as her “co-author.” I will call him Roy.

He had been a nightly fixture in her life for a while. She would stay on the phone with him late into the evening, even while my dad slept in the next room. She always claimed it didn’t bother my father. But looking back, I wonder if he just swallowed the discomfort, like so many other things.

Let’s take a step back. In 2022, my sister and I bought a home for our parents to retire in comfortably. We thought we were giving them a safe and loving space to grow old together. But before my father even passed away, my mother had already planned her escape. The house we bought wasn’t her sanctuary. It was a stopover.

She didn’t ask us for help moving. She didn’t even warn us. She bought new luggage, made quiet arrangements, and disappeared. We were suddenly bombarded with text messages filled with excitement: stories of her “new life,” her “adventures,” and her rediscovered love. She glowed with freedom while the rest of us were still gasping for air.

A New Life, A New Name

By January—six months after my father died—she was married to Roy. She changed her last name. She discarded decades of shared identity with my father like she was shedding an old coat. She left behind his ashes. She left the framed photos that we had prepared for his memorial. It was as if he had never existed.

But it wasn’t just him she left behind. She also abandoned her daughters. Her grandchildren. Her great-grandchildren. A family many would cherish, tossed aside like clutter.

Her new story was one of long-suffering redemption. She recast herself as the woman who had endured a marriage with a difficult man and had finally, after decades, found joy. The truth? She had slowly detached from the rest of us for years—investing more time in writing projects and Facebook groups aligned with Roy’s interests, and less in her own family.

Her new husband had also just lost his spouse, only days after my dad died. The narrative practically wrote itself: two grieving souls who found each other through fate. But those of us watching from the outside knew the foundation had been laid long before the funerals.

The Pain of Rewriting the Past

Eventually, my sisters and I had to step away. We had asked for space to grieve our father—kindly, repeatedly. But every boundary was met with denial, deflection, or emotional manipulation. There was no recognition of our pain, only excitement about her “next chapter.”

Sometimes I wrestle with the urge to correct her version of events. In her telling, she’s the eternal victim: a woman finally liberated, only to be judged by ungrateful daughters who refused to be happy for her. But I’ve learned that arguing with someone’s internal mythology rarely leads to healing. It only deepens the divide.

So, I let go. Not of the truth, but of the need for her to see it.

I grieved deeply—not only for my father, but for the mother I thought I had. I began to wonder: Had she ever wanted children? Had she ever truly been emotionally available? Was it all performative?

Those are hard questions to ask. But once I allowed myself to see her clearly—not as the mother I hoped she was, but as the woman she actually is—I began to feel something surprising: relief. And eventually, acceptance. Accepting that a parent is incapable of giving you the love you needed is one of the hardest emotional tasks we face. But it’s also one of the most liberating.

Breaking the Cycle

There were red flags in childhood. My mom wasn’t nurturing. She often complained of pain, stayed stuck on the couch, irritable and disconnected from the rest of the family. I walked on eggshells around her. I can’t recall warm, playful memories. That emotional void quietly shaped me in ways I didn’t fully understand until recently.

I developed an attachment style that drew me to avoidant relationships, repeating old patterns. I didn’t know how to ask for what I needed because I had never learned to recognize my needs in the first place.

Through therapy, reflection, and support, I began to break the cycle. But it required giving up the fantasy. It required grieving not just the loss of my parents, but the loss of the childhood I wished I had. This is not a story of blaming parents, but rather one of gaining a deeper understanding of my mother to better understand myself.

I want to be clear: I have compassion for my mother. She grew up with mental illness in her home. She wasn’t nurtured either. She didn’t learn how to attune, connect, or show up. She may have done the best she could with what she had.

But compassion doesn’t mean ignoring harm. I can hold both truths: her pain was real, and so is the pain she inflicted.

The Freedom of Letting Go

I’ve stopped hoping for an apology. I’ve stopped trying to explain myself. And I’ve stopped trying to earn her love.

Instead, I’m investing in the relationships that nourish me. I’m giving myself the emotional safety I never had. I’m allowing myself to feel it all—the grief, the clarity, the compassion, the peace. Letting go of a parent doesn’t make you cold-hearted. It means you’ve decided to stop betraying yourself.

Because here’s the truth I’ve come to accept: we can love our parents and still recognize that the relationship isn’t healthy. We can give grace for their pain without sacrificing our own healing. And in some cases, we can—and must—walk away.

There is freedom in seeing our parents as they really are—not as idealized figures, but as complex, flawed humans. When we hold onto illusions, we gaslight ourselves. We call ourselves too sensitive or too needy when in reality, we’re responding to unmet needs that have been there all along.

To me, that doesn’t mean sitting in resentment about what you didn’t get from your parents; it means figuring out how to provide that for yourself as an adult. If we don’t examine those early wounds, we carry them forward. We struggle to trust. We tolerate toxic dynamics. We confuse love with emotional labor.

Understanding where it all began leads to healthy change. We can choose different relationships. We can choose ourselves.

And that, I’ve learned, is where healing begins.

About Anissa

Anissa Bell is a licensed marriage and family therapist and sleep specialist who helps anxious minds find rest—even when life feels anything but restful. She works with clients to untangle the worries that keep them up at night, including work stressors, relationship problems, complicated family dynamics, and the overall life messiness that fuels anxiety and insomnia. Learn more about her therapy practice at sleep-anxiety.com orclaritytherapyassociates.com, or get to know her on a more personal level HERE.

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It’s true! Laughter is some of the best medicine. While you definitely want to experience this with your teen, this article is about you and your spouse. And oftentimes, laughter is the last thing we tend to share with one another. That and the idea that “this too shall pass”. Because it will, barring a critical issue evolving with your teenager, many of the tense moments are around smaller things that will be worked through.

Learning to laugh about them is one thing. First, we have to not take them so seriously as to redirect our angst against our spouse. That is really, really important! How do we do this? I have no idea. I just know it’s a good thing when it happens. How’s that for helpful? Keep it in the back of your mind. Try to allow your emotional reactions to dissipate in exchange for objective thinking. Don’t be afraid to cast a wink at your spouse in the height of things so you can remember to laugh later.

Raising teenagers? It’s not for the faint of heart. But it can be extremely rewarding, not just as parents, but as married couples. Join forces, brave souls! Ride into the fray with the intent not to forget the one at your side! Raise your banners high and prepare for battle! Draw your swords and—no. Fine. I’m being extreme.

The point is, we need our spouses. The last thing we want to do is damage our relationship with each other while trying to preserve our relationship with our teen. So communicate, spend time together, prioritize each other, share thoughts and emotions, and don’t criticize the other—even if they are overreacting.

And just imagine…one of these days, not long in the future, you’ll be rocking on your front porch, coffee in hand, talking about the “good ol’ days” when your phone rings, and your now adult child calls to ask you: “What do I do? My teenager is driving us nuts!”

What can you do? Communicate as much as possible on every device possible. Make trips to see them when you can, and ask your children to make it a priority for them to see their grandparents at least twice a year. 

Resources: 

The Health Benefits of Having (and Being) Grandparents 

7 Small Ways to Love Your Grandkids from Afar

2. When Illness or Disability Makes it Difficult

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Sneksy

A lot of the issues with distance can be experienced when a grandparent suffers from illness or disability. Both create a similar strain on kids and grandparents. It is especially gut-wrenching when a child has had a close relationship with an active grandparent, and that relationship changes overnight.

What can you do? Explain to the child that God is working out His perfect plan in the grandparent’s life just like He is in theirs. Don’t keep the child from the grandparent unless there are things the child is too young to experience or see. Normalizing illness and encouraging the child to come up with creative ways to interact with the grandparent can help both to grow by the grace of God.

3. When Grandparents Disagree with Parents on Major Issues

This is an entire article unto itself, as there is much to unpack with this. But suffice it to say that grandparents need to know what the issues are, how serious they are, and what options are available to them to rectify. For instance, if there is a disagreement over how much time the child spends with one side of the family over the other, this should only require sensible, adult conversation to create a fair calendar.

However, if the issue is that the parents are encouraging the child to choose their gender, that requires much more effort on the part of the grandparents. Unfortunately, many states protect children’s rights over their parents–and grandparents have even less power. Situations like this call for much prayer, support from your church, advice from a Christian mental health professional —but most of all, two-way conversation with the child that expresses your love for how God made them, what’s happening in their life, how Jesus feels about them, and why they feel defined the way they do.

Resources:

How to Disagree with Family without Destroying Relationships

Grandparenting as a Team: How to Lead Grandchildren with Parents, Not against Them

Helping Children with Gender Identity Confusion – Focus on the Family

Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/evgenyatamanenko

4. When Parents Divorce

Our society has normalized divorce, so parents rarely think about the level of impact on their children. They believe if they are happy, the children will be happy. But God designed the family the way He did for a reason, and much has to do with same-gender and cross-gender nurturing, feelings of security, and stability. While a grandparent can’t fix the divorce, spending time with Grandma and Grandpa can help give the child more of what is missing due to mom and dad being apart.

I highly recommend that grandparents remain as aware as possible about what is happening at home or in both homes. Without alienating mom and dad, grandparents can support the grandchildren and try to help normalize their lives. I know a grandpa who has to walk a fine line between mom and dad with his comments because he knows that at any time, the parents may withhold visits with him. But he realized how much the parents began to appreciate his help with his granddaughter, so they became more open to hearing comments about how to create the best life possible for the child.

5. When Your Grandchild Is Lost Spiritually

If a child is spiritually lost, there is a better-than-average chance that their parents are also lost. However, God, in His sovereignty, placed your grandchild into your family for a reason. One reason may be that you are to have spiritual influence over this particular human’s life–the most important work you will ever do. Of course, that starts with fervent prayer, asking the Lord to reach this child’s mind and heart with the truth of the gospel. For young children, there are a number of excellent children’s Bibles that are much more visually and verbally appealing than their predecessors. Read with them every chance you get.

But look for other ways to influence the child’s faith. Take every opportunity to talk with the child about Jesus, asking the Holy Spirit for the right timing and words. Also, will the parents let you take the child to Vacation Bible School? Sunday School? Youth group? A game night at church? I would also enlist a group of prayer warriors at your church to agree in prayer with you. Perhaps there are other families in the church with a child your grandchild’s age that you could introduce them to. If your church has a children’s ministry, talk to the leader about how to reach out to this child since that is their expertise!

6. When Your Grandchild Can’t or Doesn’t Want to See You

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Deagreez

There are a number of scenarios that may cause this, but I’m reminded of an especially painful one for grandparents I know. They practically raised their grandsons since they babysat them so much. They doted on them, played with them, and cheered them on as they grew into athletes. But then, one day, Mom got into an argument with Grandma over something silly, and suddenly the kids were not allowed to see their grandparents. They were eight and 15 at the time. They died after dealing with this heartbreak for a dozen years.

In this scenario, the grandchildren were told a lie about their grandparents, so the kids didn’t want to see them. When they were old enough to drive or choose for themselves, they still ignored Grandma and Grandpa. Of course, the first thing to do in this situation is to pray as fervently as possible–using God’s Word about children and families as your guide. Pray for their faith in the midst of this. Pour out your heart before God and ask Him to take your pain and use it for good and His glory (Romans 8:28). Then see if there are practical things you can do.

7. When Your Children Are Not Adulting

Another friend of mine is in a very difficult position. Her son and daughter-in-law announced they were having a baby, and she panicked. These two young people had very little clue how to be adults though they were in their mid-20s. Neither one had a decent job, didn’t keep their home clean, and had questionable friends and activities. I was impressed to see how she stepped in to ensure the child had everything he needed–medical/dental care, a good Christian school, church, and Sunday School.

The parents are finally starting to catch up after watching her for six years. This grandparent could have very easily taken her hands off the wheel, but she truly felt called by God to help train up this child in the way he should go. She regrets how she raised her son to be spoiled, but God took the dysfunction of the whole situation and redeemed it.

8. When Your Kids Take Advantage of You

Unfortunately, grandchildren are too easily used as bargaining tools between parents and grandparents. Your kids know you want to spend time with the grandchildren and be part of their lives, but in a dysfunctional relationship, grandparents become codependent and let their kids take too much advantage.

They may expect that since the grandparents love the kids, they want to see them as much as possible. There may be no boundaries about when little Amanda comes over, even if it’s inconvenient for Grandpa. And if they really want to take advantage, they will bring her over when she needs a meal, needs help with homework, or needs to get something at the store for school the next day. I know a gentleman who has had to pay all of the medical bills for his granddaughter because the parents won’t pay for insurance for her. The parents have also borrowed money for things like birthday parties.

Going to God With All of It

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/andreswd

It doesn’t take much to see that many of the situations I chose to illustrate are dysfunctional: people acting poorly toward one another. So if you see yourself or your family in any of these examples, consider what Jesus said about the second commandment: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Mark 12:31. It might sound like a trite answer, but think about all that implies:

• Have self-respect and self-control based on the Word of God. Understand that the God of the universe created you for such a time as this to lavish His love on you. Make sure you spend significant time each day in God’s Word and prayer to strengthen your heart and mind to handle situations with family. Ask Him to help you act appropriately and set boundaries that will be a blessing to all.
• Share the love and forgiveness that God has lavished on you. Ask the Holy Spirit to bring the Word alive as you read it so you know the real truth, not relative, postmodern truth that your children and grandchildren are exposed to. Be a light in a dark place, a city on a hill, and salt and light as the leader of your family.

Finally, I know a woman who told her children long before they were married that she didn’t intend to be a grandmother. When grandchildren began to emerge, she moved across the country and retired to the ski slopes. She doesn’t visit or acknowledge birthdays. Now you could say that she has escaped all of the “problems” of being a grandparent–and perhaps she knows herself best–but I think even with the struggles, it is incredibly worthwhile to watch a grandchild grow and be part of that experience. If God brings them, they deserve our best.

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/FG Trade

Mary Oelerich-Meyer is a Chicago-area freelance writer and copy editor who prayed for years for a way to write about and for the Lord. She spent 20 years writing for area healthcare organizations, interviewing doctors and clinical professionals and writing more than 1,500 articles in addition to marketing collateral materials. Important work, but not what she felt called to do. She is grateful for any opportunity to share the Lord in her writing and editing, believing that life is too short to write about anything else. Previously she served as Marketing Communications Director for a large healthcare system. She holds a B.A. in International Business and Marketing from Cornell College (the original Cornell!) When not researching or writing, she loves to spend time with her writer daughter, granddaughter, rescue doggie and husband (not always in that order).  

When my son was born in 2017, I decided to focus on being a stay-at-home dad (SAHD). Every early childhood development book I read emphasized that the first five years are the most critical for a child’s growth. So I figured, why not spend that time with him?

It wasn’t a difficult decision since I hadn’t had a day job since 2012. The only things I risked sacrificing were my writing, patience, and sanity.

I believe being a stay-at-home parent for the first three years is one of the hardest jobs in the world—far tougher than working 60-hour weeks in banking. So I’m confident it’s harder than most other jobs too. At the same time, it’s also the most rewarding work I’ve ever done. But that chapter is now over.

For men considering becoming stay-at-home dads during their child’s early years, I want to share some perspective before you take the leap. This applies equally to women thinking about leaving the workforce to be stay-at-home moms, but with a male twist.

This article is also my declaration that after eight years and two months, I no longer consider myself a stay-at-home dad. The reason is obvious in the end.

Some Important Truths About Being a Stay-at-Home Dad (SAHD)

Here are the most important things to watch out for if you want to become a SAHD. If you can accept these truths, your time as a SAHD will be better.

1) You’ll Be Part of a Small Minority

If you’re not used to being a minority, you may have a difficult time fitting in as a SAHD. In my eight years here in San Francisco as a SAHD, I estimate only about 5% of dads I meet are the primary caregivers. The same is true in other big cities like New York.

Here’s my rough breakdown of childcare providers I’ve observed from going to playgrounds, parks, museums, activities, and schools:

• 60-70% — Nannies (100% women).
• 10-20% — Au pairs (100% women).
• 10-20% — Moms
• 3% – 7% — Dads

SAHDs Must Learn to Adapt to Awkward Situations

As a minority, you’ll need to blend in and sometimes navigate cultural or gender-specific topics and conversations.

One time, I was with my wife and a group of eight moms in Golden Gate Park. We were going for a nice stroll when suddenly, the group decided to take a break underneath the shade of a nice big tree. We rolled out our blankets and cradled our babies, when suddenly, breastfeeding started. I felt awkward even if the moms did not, so I left to give the moms privacy, leaving my daughter with my wife. Since then, I stopped joining mothers’ walking groups and usually walked alone or with my wife.

Being a minority can sometimes mean having fewer social connections, as it may be harder to assimilate or be fully included. You might find yourself intentionally or unintentionally left out of group activities organized by the majority. It’s important to get used to moments of isolation—and to recognize that building meaningful friendships may require extra effort.

Another time, a nanny’s toddler was crying uncontrollably for about 10 minutes while she chatted with other nannies. I offered to help play with the toddler while parkour class was going on, but she gave me a cold glare and said, “No, I don’t need your help,” before scolding the child. That was the last time I offered to help a stranger’s child out of fear of backlash.

2) Other Men and Women May Not Give You the Respect You Seek

In our status-conscious world, being a stay-at-home dad is still an anomaly. Unless you’ve built a company or made a fortune, few people—both men and women—will give you much respect. They might be polite to your face, but that doesn’t mean they’ll invite you into their social circles.

Among working men, there’s often a lingering belief that men should be the primary breadwinners. As a result, they may view your role with confusion, skepticism, or quiet judgment.

Mothers may appear more welcoming, but in reality, they often form tight-knit groups with other mothers. Even if your wife works full-time and you handle all the household chores, pickups, drop-offs, and scheduling, you may still be seen as an outsider.

Perhaps the hardest part, though, is dealing with your own sense of embarrassment. Any lingering insecurity about your role can show up in how you speak and carry yourself to the outside world. Even if raising your child is the most meaningful job you’ve ever had, it can be hard to fully embrace your identity as a stay-at-home dad.

The solution to this insecurity is to have a project of your own—something you’re actively building or working toward. It doesn’t have to generate income; it can be what I call a “trust fund job,” where the focus is on activity, not profit. The key is to maintain a sense of personal identity beyond fatherhood, so you don’t feel like your entire worth is tied to being a parent.

3) You Will Be Taken for Granted, No Matter How Hard You Try

Marriage plus parenthood is hard. There’s a reason parental happiness often dips during the early years of raising children. Less sleep, little personal time, and constant exhaustion can take a toll, making it much easier to argue with your spouse. You may find yourself longing for appreciation just as you’re running on empty.

As a stay-at-home dad—while the vast majority of fathers work outside the home—you’ll do far more of the childcare in comparison. You might take pride in always being there for your kids and feel you deserve recognition for it. But here’s the truth: nobody else cares as much as you do—because they’re your kids, not theirs. That’s why fatherhood must be intrinsically motivated. If you’re constantly looking for external validation, you’ll be disappointed.

No matter how much you contribute there will be times you feel underappreciated. Your spouse may take you for granted, and it’ll hurt. But this is a common dynamic in long-term relationships. It is inevitable to take for granted what someone does for us day in and day out. The key is to acknowledge it, communicate it, and try to reduce how often those feelings arise.

Maybe your wife had a brutal day—her boss embarrassed her in front of colleagues, she lost a major client, or a product she poured months into flopped. After a 12-hour day and a draining commute, she may not have much emotional bandwidth left to recognize everything you’ve done at home. Try to acknowledge her situation and step up to do more when she’s running on empty.

Marriages are never 50/50. Be the parent who steps up when the other is struggling.

At the same time, you might also take her hard work for granted. After the 20th 6:30 a.m. client call, the 21st doesn’t seem like a big deal. But maybe all she wants is one morning to sleep in without pressure or performance looming.

When these feelings creep in, pause and reframe: realize how fortunate you are to have a spouse whose work allows you to stay home and raise your children. Odds are, they’d love to trade places sometimes—to spend more time with the kids and less time grinding at work. Unless you’re DUPs, someone has to earn the income and keep the family’s healthcare covered.

Appreciation can fade in the daily grind. So remind each other, often, of the sacrifices you’re both making—for your children, and for each other. Regularly go through the things you are grateful for.

4) Losing Money And Falling Behind In Your Career Will Sting

The biggest dilemma is whether to sacrifice career for children or children for career. Ironically, you either have to be wealthy enough to stay home or poor enough that working and paying for childcare isn’t worth it. Those in the middle face the toughest choice.

I’ve given up millions of dollars in income to be a stay-at-home father. This includes lost earnings from my finance career as well as from growing Financial Samurai.

Since my son was born in 2017, I’ve deliberately chosen not to work full-time on the site. Had I committed 40–50 hours a week, I’m confident I could have significantly scaled Financial Samurai, increased ad revenue, and developed more products to sell. But instead, I chose to maintain a 15–20 hour workweek—hours that occur mostly before the kids are up or after they are asleep—so I could spend as much time with him as possible.

As a result, it took several years longer to buy the ideal house to raise a family. Further, I’ve had to delay reaching financial independence once more.

All Or Nothing Is Not Ideal

As someone who helped kickstart the modern FIRE movement in 2009, I waited to have children until I could care for them full-time. I didn’t want to sacrifice my career for family in my 20s and early 30s. I worked hard to build enough wealth and retired at 34.

But this all-or-nothing approach risks delaying parenthood too long. Biological challenges increase with age, and if you have kids later, you have less time with them. Losing parents before a child turns 25 happens often, especially since people are having children later and life is unpredictable. Since you’ll love your children above all else, it makes sense to want as much time together as possible.

Luckily for older parents, there’s a simple, logical solution to make up for lost time: understand how much time the average working parent spends with their child each day, and then spend more time with your child until you catch up or even exceed that total by the time they turn 18. Because, as we sadly know, once our children reach 18, about 80-90% of all the time we will ever spend with them is already behind us.

Choosing Time With Your Kids Over Money and Meetings

Because I gave up money and meetings before having kids, I certainly won’t seek more money and meetings now that I have kids.

If it takes three more years to hit a new passive income target without a steady job, so be it. I’m not willing to miss out on my time with them for any amount of potential income.

Let’s break it down: If I earn $250,000 a year but pay $50,000 for a nanny, my income is $200,000, but really less due to taxes. Imagine sitting in 3 hours of meetings every day for 261 workdays — that’s 783 hours annually. No way! I know this because I consulted part-time for four months and felt bad even missing out on one activity with my daughter.

Now let’s jack up that income to $3 million a year at a hot AI company after paying for a nanny, but before taxes. Since I’m a big wig now, I’m in meetings for 5 hours every day for 261 workdays – that’s 1,305 hours annually. Forget that.

You can always make more money, but you can never get back lost time. So choosing your children over more money and career progression is logical.

Some Great Benefits of Being a Stay-at-Home Dad (SAHD)

We’ve covered the hard truths—feelings of isolation, less respect from other parents, a smaller paycheck, possibly a stalled career, and getting taken for granted. But luckily, there are also some powerful upsides to being a stay-at-home dad. Let’s dive in.

1) Your Wife Or Spouse Can Never Call You a Deadbeat Dad

If you’ve been with your wife and child since birth—attending doctor visits, washing bottles, handling meals, and taking the baby out so your wife can rest—it’s impossible for her to say you weren’t there. You’ve earned your stripes.

When your wife feels more supported and rested, the entire family benefits. She’s less exhausted and more emotionally present. And if you have multiple kids, your ability to manage one or more of them for extended stretches becomes even more valuable.

As time goes on and you build up “credits” from the time and effort you’ve put in, you’ll also feel less guilty about asking for personal time—whether it’s a night out with friends or a weekend golf trip.

2) You’ll Likely Develop a Closer Relationship With Your Kids

A common fear is that even with more time spent together, you might still end up with a strained relationship with your children. Genetics, personality clashes, and differing interests can all play a role.

But in my experience—and after speaking to hundreds of dads—there’s a strong correlation between time spent and relationship strength. Kids may not remember anything from ages 0–3, but they feel your presence. And after age three, their memories become clearer and deeper. That’s when your investment of time starts to pay off in tangible ways.

You can reinforce those early years with photos and videos, reminding them of how involved you’ve been since day one. That emotional foundation can carry into their own parenting values later on.

3) You’ll Catch Developmental Issues Sooner

Working long hours or traveling frequently often means relying entirely on teachers and caregivers to monitor your child’s development. That’s fine—if those teachers are excellent. But not every classroom is led by a superstar, and not every nanny or au pair puts her phone away while engaging with your child.

I once met the father of a second grader who was shocked to learn his daughter didn’t know how to read. I couldn’t help but wonder—how is that a surprise if you’ve been reading to her regularly over the past seven years? Unless, of course, he hadn’t been. That’s the kind of thing a stay-at-home parent would likely have noticed much earlier.

Being a stay-at-home dad gives you the opportunity to catch developmental gaps early—before they grow into bigger, costlier problems down the road.

4) You’ll Have More Energy and Enthusiasm to Engage

After a long workday, it’s natural to want to decompress: crack a beer, eat dinner, and zone out. During the thick of my Millionaire Milestones promo cycle, I often felt drained when picking up my kids because I had given multiple interviews and done multiple consulting sessions. It made me less motivated to coach them tennis or play imaginative games at home.

But as a stay-at-home dad, especially when the kids are in school, your energy levels are higher. You can regularly take afternoon naps to be ready for their hurricane of energy and emotion when you pick them up. That extra enthusiasm can lead to more engaged parenting, whether it’s reading stories, building Lego sets, or practicing new skills.

5) The Days Are Long, But You’ll Be Able To Slow Down The Years

Though days can feel endless, the months and years pass quickly. But if you’re a stay-at-home dad, you can somewhat slowdown the years in retrospect because you won’t feel as bad missing so many precious milestones.

If you can, give being a stay-at-home parent a go. You won’t regret trying it. Like any tough challenge, giving it a shot means you won’t be haunted by “what if.” You really only have to sacrifice your career for five years at most.

If five years feels too long, consider going back to work once your child starts preschool (around 2-3 years old). Kindergarten typically starts at 5-6 years.

Start Small and Build Up

Take full advantage of your employer’s parental leave (usually 1-4 months). After that, reassess if you want to return to work or continue as a stay-at-home parent. If your finances allow, I say go for it. The growth between 6 and 24 months is truly incredible.

Typical Developmental Milestones for Babies And Toddlers (0-24 Months)

0-3 Months

• Lifts head briefly when on tummy
• Follows objects with eyes
• Begins to smile socially
• Makes cooing sounds
• Grasps reflexively when objects touch palm

4-6 Months

• Rolls over front to back, then back to front
• Sits with support
• Reaches for and grasps objects intentionally
• Begins babbling (ba-ba, da-da)
• Shows interest in food, may start solids

7-9 Months

• Sits without support
• Crawls or scoots
• Pulls up to stand using furniture
• Transfers objects between hands
• Says first words like “mama” or “dada” (not always specific)

10-12 Months

• Cruises along furniture
• May take first steps independently
• Uses pincer grasp (thumb and forefinger)
• Waves bye-bye
• Understands simple commands like “no”
• Says 1-3 words clearly

13-18 Months

• Walks independently
• Climbs stairs with help
• Stacks 2-3 blocks
• Uses 10-20 words
• Points to desired objects
• Begins using spoon (messily)
• Shows affection to familiar people

19-24 Months

• Runs and kicks a ball
• Walks up and down stairs holding rail
• Stacks 4-6 blocks
• Uses 50+ words and begins 2-word phrases
• Follows two-step instructions
• Begins pretend play
• Shows increasing independence

The Value of Witnessing Milestones

Being home means you witness all these priceless moments firsthand. Others may see these milestones as ordinary, but to a parent, they’re little miracles — rewards for all your effort.

Seeing my son roll over for the first time felt like watching him win Olympic gold. It’s that gratifying. Plus, being there means you get those video memories to treasure forever.

Interestingly, nannies and au pairs often keep milestones secret from parents so the parents feel like they were the first to see them. That’s emotional intelligence in action — making tired, maybe guilty parents feel more joy. What parents don’t know won’t hurt them.

6) You’ll develop greater patience and empathy

When you first start caring for your baby, all the crying can fry your nerves. After three months of trying to soothe my son, I couldn’t take it anymore. My wife stepped in—and she’s been leading the charge ever since. One helpful strategy I discovered: wear AirPods while changing diapers or feeding. You’ll still hear your baby, but the volume won’t be as overwhelming.

Because you need to show love and care to your children, you’ll learn to literally get down to their level and try to understand what they’re experiencing. This kind of compassion and empathy carries over to how you interact with adults as well. You’ll naturally become more patient, since reasoning with grown-ups is often easier than reasoning with toddlers.

The next time someone hurls an insult your way, you might find it doesn’t sting as much—because as a parent, you’re constantly being disrespected anyway. Instead of getting upset, you may even start wondering what kind of childhood the insulter had, and feel a sense of empathy for why they’re being so rude. This kind of mindset has helped me a lot whenever I receive particularly nasty comments. I’m far less combative now.

One day, in the middle of dinner chaos—with your kids squirming, refusing to eat, or bouncing around the living room—you might find yourself surprisingly calm. You’ll pause, look around, and realize just how far you’ve come.

Why I No Longer Call Myself a Stay-at-Home Dad

The thing about being a stay-at-home dad is—it doesn’t last forever. Once your kids start full-time school, your role naturally shifts. With six extra hours a day, you suddenly have space to pursue other things: exercise, freelance, consult, start a business, or just catch your breath.

This transition is a golden window. I know dads building AI tools, volunteering at school, and picking up creative projects. I recently gave a talk on personal finance at my child’s after-school program—it was both fun and fulfilling.

Once my second child entered full-time school, I no longer felt right labeling myself a stay-at-home dad. With more time between drop-off and pickup, I returned to writing and am now focused on achieving financial freedom again by the end of 2027—and writing another book.

Still, I stay involved—tutoring my son each evening and being present whenever needed. But I also feel a strong urge to stay productive during the day. A life of just tennis, lunch, and naps feels hollow. I crave purpose.

Being a stay-at-home dad is unconventional, but deeply rewarding. If you’re financially able, I highly recommend doing it for the first 2–3 years of your child’s life. It’ll challenge you—and change you. But the extra time with your kids is priceless.

Readers, any stay-at-home dads out there want to share your experience? What did you do once your kids started school full-time? Why do you think more men don’t take on this role—especially as more women earn degrees and become primary breadwinners? Has this post made you consider giving it a try?

Suggestions For Parents

If you are ready to build more wealth than 94% of the population, grab a copy of my new book, Millionaire Milestones: Simple Steps to Seven Figures. With over 30 years of experience working in, studying, and writing about finance, I’ve distilled everything I know into this practical guide to help you achieve financial success. After building greater wealth, you might gain the option of becoming a stay-at-home dad or mom.

Every parent should have an affordable term life insurance policy—especially those carrying debt. Getting life insurance is an act of love for your children. During the pandemic, my wife and I secured matching term policies through Policygenius. Once we had coverage in place, we breathed a huge sigh of relief knowing our kids would be taken care of, just in case. Life insurance provides a critical layer of stability for the household if the worst were to happen.

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