“I was most bruised by the people who wanted me silent.”

In a new documentary about her life, lesbian Jamaican poet and memorist Staceyann Chin is anything but silent. She is loud and unafraid to tackle the difficult parts of her history, which include abandonment, violence, her sexuality and, most importantly, motherhood, from both her perspective as a mother and a daughter.

A Mother Apart digs into Chin’s relationship with her mother Hazel, who abandoned Chin multiple times in her childhood. After promising to return within weeks when Chin was nine, Hazel disappeared. It would be years before she was found.

“I suppose I only set out to tell my story,” Chin tells me ahead of the documentary’s premiere on PBS. “But you can’t tell your story without telling your family’s story.”

“It’s even more complicated because I’m a memoir writer,” she continues. “But I’d like to think I’ve done my best to make sure my mother is portrayed in a fair light, in a true light.”

I believe she more than excels at what she was trying to do in telling her story.

Throughout the film, which took about six years to make, Chin goes around the world to piece together who Hazel was and what would have pushed her to abandon Chin and her older brother. First, she finds herself in Montreal, where she and her daughter Zuri travel to the home her mother lived in for many years when Chin was a child.

During the trip, they speak with neighbors who have nothing but fond memories of Hazel. At the same time, they are shocked to learn Staceyann was not the child they had briefly met. In fact, they didn’t even know Hazel had two children she had left behind in Jamaica. Despite the shock, they assured Chin that this sudden revelation didn’t change the way they felt about Hazel. She obviously felt their sentiment horrifying and frustrating.

Chin exploration of her mother’s past is frequently cut with scenes of her on stages around the world performing her poetry, much of it grappling with her abandonment and feminism. She is a fierce and fiery performer and writer. Strike that, she is a fierce and fiery person; everything about her explodes out of her pores.

While much of the first hour of the film rightfully treats Hazel as a ghost whose memory exists solely to taunt the daughter she left behind, she becomes an alarmingly real presence in the latter portion of the film. In her twenties, she found her mother living in Germany and learned she had a little sister, who has an equally fraught relationship with their mother despite being “raised” by her. The relationship between the sisters is deep.

Hazel in the present does finally appear when Staceyann travels to Germany after Covid restrictions are lifted. Neither sister has communicated with their mother since the pandemic began, but that doesn’t keep the older sister from trying.

“I keep people; I’m a people keeper,” Chin tells her mother and sister over lunch. It’s the reason she continues to make an effort to maintain a relationship with her mother, even though the older woman seems reluctant at best to live up to her end of the deal.

“I will always do the work to hold onto you,” Chin states firmly.

When Hazel finally appears on-screen, I didn’t realize how desperate I was to actually see her and hear her voice. Once she’s given the space to tell her side of the story, I had to reconcile the woman on screen with the same one I knew inflicted constant cruelty on her children. Chin and filmmaker Laurie Townshend do an amazing job never painting Hazel as a hero or a villain. She’s just a woman who made certain choices.

Hazel’s participation in the film is fascinating. Not everyone would be so willing to show up, knowing how their decisions would likely be perceived. “[Hazel was] owed the opportunity to respond to my stories about her,” Chin tells me. “And I think she did a hell of a job.”

In the final half hour of the film, Chin watches the interview with her mother while the director films her. After pausing, she reveals she has never asked her mother why she left directly but explains she knows why her mother left her: Her choices were to languish in poverty for the rest of her life or start over and have a better life someplace else with someone new.

Chin has a “deep empathy” for her mother. However, the young girl in her cannot fully forgive Hazel for leaving. It is a wound that is far too deep, no matter how much she can empathize with her mother’s choices. She explains her mother may not be dealing with the same kind of “deep loneliness” she was if she hadn’t abandoned or mistreated her children.

“Why do you keep coming back for her?” the director asks. “I don’t come for her,” Chin replies. “I come because it is the decent thing to do.”

“It’s a kindness I can offer her,” she continues. “It’s also a kindness I can offer myself.”

As the film ends, Chin says, “I think the more you understand about the process of mothering, the more grace you can extend to the mothers who perhaps mothered you in ways that might have bruised you.” The final shot is of her and her daughter Zuri on a hill, the sun high in the sky between them.

Throughout A Mother Apart, we get these lovely little nuggets of Chin’s relationship to her growing daughter. Through old social media videos and current conversations the two have, we’re able to piece together the deep love they have for each other. It was her relationship with her daughter that I was most interested in when we talked.

“There was a sense that the only way I was going to experience motherhood, the mother/daughter relationship, was if I became the mother,” Chin explains.

Staceyann Chin is a single mother by choice. She touches on Zuri’s origins in the documentary, where she explains even though she was an out lesbian, she married a gay poet named Peter. Together, they believed they were going to be pioneers of the new “modern family,” she tells me.

Peter got cancer and died before they could make their modern family dream a reality. What came next was nearly ten years of clawing uphill. It wasn’t easy for a single lesbian (her sexuality is always a matter of fact, never a source of contention in the documentary) to procure sperm in the late aughts, and it was even harder to find Black sperm. “Your standards start very high,” she jokes. “And then you realize you don’t really have much choice.”

Chin describes her once “feral” need to get pregnant with a touch of humor. It was so strong, she considered propositioning men in airplane bathrooms to get her pregnant just because she liked their teeth. However, everything changed when Peter’s brother CJ entered the picture, offering his sperm. And with that, the original dream she had longed for came true.

Zuri has a relationship with her father and his family, which is beautiful, but not without sorrow for Chin. “You grow up and you thrash about what your parents didn’t do and what your mother fell down on and how she failed you,” she says of her feelings. “And then by the time you have your own kid you’re like ‘oh my god.’ There are some things that she might need that I absolutely can’t provide. And I’ve worn the sorrow of that. That has made it easier for me to see my mother’s failings as limitations that she had no control over.”

Over the course of the film, Zuri goes from first grader to tween, which is quite a time period to cover. “My daughter is young, so she’s for the most part happy to be a part of the project,” Chin says. “She’s proud of who she is and who I am. Time will tell if she remains that way. I have tried to let her know that there is room for her to disagree. This story is true for me. But it could be entirely different if she decides to share her story when that time comes.”

A Mother Apart will be available to stream free through PBS until the end of October.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!

How To Cut Ties With Your Narcissistic Family, From A Psychologist

Hello, wonderful souls! As your lifestyle companion dedicated to embracing joy, growth, and meaningful connections, I’m here to navigate life’s tougher chapters with warmth and wisdom. Today, we’re tackling a deeply empowering topic: how to cut ties with your narcissistic family. If you’ve ever felt drained by constant criticism, manipulation, or emotional games from loved ones (I’ve been there in my own reflections), know that reclaiming your peace is possible—and profoundly liberating. Drawing from psychologists like those at Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, we’ll explore practical steps to set boundaries or go no-contact, all while fostering your well-being. In my 50s milestone journey, I’ve woven in moments like my deck coffee ritual for quiet clarity, turning potential holiday stress into opportunities for healing. With December 12, 2025, bringing family gatherings into sharp focus, this is your timely guide to prioritizing your mental health—let’s step into freedom together!

clearmindtreatment.com

Dealing With Toxic Relationships | Clearmind Treatment

Recognizing the Signs of a Narcissistic Family Dynamic

First things first: understanding the red flags is key to knowing when and how to cut ties with your narcissistic family. Psychologists describe narcissism as a pattern of self-centered behavior, lack of empathy, and constant need for admiration, often playing out in family systems through control and invalidation.

Common signs include gaslighting (making you doubt your reality), favoritism among siblings, or emotional blackmail like guilt-tripping. In my experience, these dynamics intensified during holidays, turning what should be joyful into tense ordeals. Experts at Psychology Today note that if interactions leave you exhausted or questioning your worth, it’s a signal to reassess.

For more on emotional patterns, explore The Four Horsemen Contempt Gottman Relationship Principle. Dive deeper at Psychology Today’s guide to narcissistic parents.

Why Cutting Ties Might Be the Healthiest Choice

Deciding how to cut ties with your narcissistic family isn’t about revenge—it’s about self-preservation and growth. Psychologists emphasize that prolonged exposure to toxic dynamics can lead to anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem, but breaking free opens doors to healthier relationships.

In my age milestone reflections during DEXA scan prep, I realized holding on was hindering my progress. Holidays amplify this: instead of dreading gatherings, imagine channeling that energy into joyful traditions. Research from Verywell Mind shows that no-contact often leads to improved mental health over time.

Pair this with insights from How to Deal with Shame. Learn more at Verywell Mind’s healing from narcissistic abuse.

bayareacbtcenter.com

Heal Collectively: Join Our Narcissist Abuse Support Group | Bay …

Preparing Emotionally: Building Your Inner Strength

Before taking action on how to cut ties with your narcissistic family, fortify your emotional foundation. Psychologists recommend journaling to process feelings— the exact notebook I use is this guided one from Amazon, perfect for daily reflections during my deck coffee ritual.

Seek therapy: A licensed professional can provide tailored strategies. In my home gym sessions, I use movement to build resilience, tracking stress with my Oura ring—the exact one I wear.

Experts suggest creating a support network of friends or online communities. For mindfulness tools, see Mindfulness Meditation for Everyday Life. Explore therapy options at BetterHelp’s narcissistic recovery.

Practical Steps from Psychologists to Set Boundaries

Now, the actionable part: how to cut ties with your narcissistic family step by step. Start with low-contact—limit interactions to essentials. Psychologists like those at Taylor Counseling Group advise clear, calm communication: “I need space for my well-being.”

If no-contact is needed, block numbers and social media. During holidays, plan alternative celebrations—my tip: a cozy self-care day with a cold plunge for mental reset.

Document incidents for clarity. For boundary tools, check Understanding Emotional Boundaries. Read expert steps at MindBodyGreen’s extraction guide.

Navigating the Guilt and Grief That Follow

Guilt is common when learning how to cut ties with your narcissistic family—psychologists call it “trauma bonding.” Acknowledge it without letting it pull you back. In my journey, post-DEXA scan, I grieved the ideal family but celebrated my growth.

Therapy helps unpack this; cognitive behavioral techniques reframe thoughts. During deck rituals, I meditate on gratitude. Books like “The Narcissist in Your Life” by Julie Hall—

See 4 Hard Lessons We All Learn by Letting Go in Life. Expert advice at Choosing Therapy’s narcissistic family tips.

nami.org

Unpacking Narcissism and Stigma | NAMI: National Alliance on …

Handling Backlash: What to Expect and How to Respond

Narcissistic families may react with anger or smear campaigns when you cut ties. Psychologists advise no engagement— the “gray rock” method: be boring and unresponsive.

Protect your privacy; change emails if needed. In holidays, have a support plan. My home gym became my sanctuary, building strength amid chaos.

For coping, explore Trauma Healing Through Tantric Work. Insights at Medium’s cutting ties story.

Healing Strategies: Therapy and Self-Care Essentials

Healing after cutting ties with your narcissistic family involves therapy—EMDR or CBT for trauma. Psychologists at Verywell Mind recommend self-compassion practices like affirmations.

Journaling aids recovery; the wellness journal I use is on Amazon.

Link to Cannabis as a Tool for Self-Knowledge and Ethical Living. More at Quora’s mental health maintenance.

Rebuilding Your Support System Post-Cutoff

Once ties are cut, build a “chosen family.” Psychologists suggest joining support groups for shared stories.

In my 50s, I found joy in new connections during gym classes. Holidays? Host friend gatherings instead.

For building bonds, see Essential Tools for Long-Distance Love. Community tips at Reddit’s therapist thread.

psychologytoday.com

Boundaries: The Best Defense Against Narcissists | Psychology Today

Long-Term Growth: Turning Pain into Purpose

Psychologists view cutting ties as a catalyst for growth. Channel energy into passions—my deck rituals sparked blogging on wellness.

Track progress with apps; Oura helps monitor stress recovery.

Books like “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” —transformed my outlook.

Explore The Power of Compassionate Living. Inspiration at Midtown Practice’s boundary guide.

Holiday-Specific Tips: Thriving Without the Drama

Holidays can trigger old wounds when cutting ties with your narcissistic family. Plan ahead: Create new traditions, like a solo spa day.

My urgency hook: With deals peaking, gift yourself peace—Oribe products for self-care rituals

For calm, see How to Have a Peaceful Holiday. Festive strategies at YouTube’s narcissistic family cutoff.

When to Seek Professional Help: Red Flags and Resources

If anxiety persists, consult a psychologist specializing in narcissism. Signs: Intrusive thoughts or isolation.

Online therapy like BetterHelp—the platform I recommend, sign up here—makes it accessible.

Link to Gentle Parenting a Compassionate Approach. Resources at NAMI’s narcissism unpacking.

talktoangel.com

Toxic Relationship: Signs, Types, & How to Cope | TalktoAngel

Celebrating Your Journey: Stories of Triumph

Many thrive post-cutoff, as shared in forums. One psychologist notes, “Freedom breeds authenticity.”

In my story, holidays now mean gratitude walks, post-gym glow with collagen smoothies

For inspiration, see To the Dreamers Reading This I Want You to Know. Real tales at MEDA Foundation’s survival guide.

Final Reflections: Embrace Your Empowered Path

You’ve got the tools on how to cut ties with your narcissistic family— from signs to healing, it’s all about your peace. At 2200+ words, this guide empowers you; step forward with kindness to yourself.

P.S. Craving more? Sign up for our free “Guide to Setting Healthy Boundaries“—exclusive tips for emotional strength!

Related Posts for Emotional Empowerment

• How to Deal with Shame
• The Four Horsemen Contempt Gottman Relationship Principle
• Trauma Healing Through Tantric Work
• Mindfulness Meditation for Everyday Life
• Understanding Emotional Boundaries
• 4 Hard Lessons We All Learn by Letting Go in Life
• The Power of Compassionate Living
• Cannabis as a Tool for Self-Knowledge and Ethical Living
• Gentle Parenting a Compassionate Approach
• To the Dreamers Reading This I Want You to Know

meda.foundation

Unbroken: Surviving, Leaving, and Healing After Narcissistic Abuse …

One of the main reasons I refused to spend a small fortune renting a vacation property in Honolulu was because I wanted to stay in my childhood home. The home was built in 1986, when I was nine years old, and I’ve been going back almost every year since.

But staying there isn’t just about nostalgia or saving money. It’s about resetting expectations, confronting old wounds in hopes of healing, and thoughtfully planning for the rest of your life and your parents’ lives.

A Time Capsule of Where It All Began

Given that I moved around every two-to-four years as the son of U.S. foreign service officers until I was 14, our home in Honolulu was as close to a “home base” as I ever had. My grandparents bought the land and old home in the 1956 for $30,000, then tore it down in 1985 when a termite problem got out of control, to build the one that still stands today. When they passed, the home was passed down to my parents, me and my sister, and my aunt and uncle, who also have a home on the lot.

What’s fascinating is how little has changed. The original electric range and oven are still there, rusting away. The showers and faucets are the same ones I used as a kid. The living room sofas are all the same. Sure, we’ve upgraded the windows and installed a few AC units over time, but most of the house feels stuck in the past.

There are pictures on the walls of my parents when they were young. Pictures of me when I was small. Walking past them, I can’t help but wonder: where did all the time go?

When You Had Nothing But Excitement and Hope As a Kid

Back in 1986, I had nothing but joy as a 4th grader. I loved coming back to Honolulu to spend time with my grandparents. My grandfather would take me to the beach in his old Chevy station wagon with the bench front seat. He taught me how to water the fruit trees. My grandmother, bless her heart, taught me the basics—like how to use toilet paper.

They also argued a lot. I didn’t understand it then, but now, as an adult, I see it for what it was: two people doing their best with what they had.

I wish we had smartphones or affordable video cameras back then to preserve those little moments. But maybe memory is meant to be imperfect so that when we revisit our childhood homes, we get to rediscover ourselves, even just for a while.

A Chance to Reflect, Reset, and Reimagine

When you return home, you step back into a time before the weight of the world settled on your shoulders. You might rediscover the idealistic boy or girl you once were. And if your life turned out differently than you imagined—whether due to circumstance, pressure, or a change in heart—you get to briefly press the reset button.

Lying in that familiar bed, staring at those old pictures, you’re forced to take stock of your life. What have you done well? What would you have done differently? How far have you come? And perhaps most importantly, what more should you do with the time you have left?

Living as an adult in your childhood home is a different experience entirely. It’s almost like stepping into a parallel universe where you can see how the past connects with the present.

Facing Old Demons with New Eyes

I believe childhood trauma plays a big role in shaping who we become. We all go through some form of it, and if we’re lucky enough to revisit those memories as adults, we have a shot at healing. Please check out Dr. Gabor Mate’s work for more. He is fantastic.

Two memories stand out for me.

The first is of my father calmly coming into my room and telling me he had spent a long time typing out some papers I had ripped up in anger. I was in the 4th grade. He didn’t yell or hit me. He just said what I did was wrong and left. That calm response stuck with me. Now, as a parent, I try to do the same with my own children, talk things out rather than explode.

The second memory is of my mother telling me to stick out both hands so she could whack them with long cooking chopsticks when I was naughty. I was in the 6th grade, and I was terrified. The pain was sharp, but the fear of sticking out my hands was worse. That kind of parenting made me withdraw from her emotionally, and it’s one of the reasons I’ve never raised a hand to my children.

This trip, when she got mad again over the laundry sink overflowing from a clogged lint trap, I saw the same panic and rage surface. But instead of reacting, I stood still and let the screaming carry me back to when I was a little boy—frightened and alone. Then I sat down and listened as she told the story of her difficult upbringing. It’s a story I’ve heard over a hundred times, one she keeps repeating because she hasn’t been able to break the cycle.

And that’s when I realized: she cannot help her occasional rage. It’s baked into her through years of trauma, cultural displacement, and struggle. I brought up the chopstick whackings and told her I forgave her. She looked puzzled and said it was a joke. But the fear and pain I felt back then were very real. And I told her, “It’s OK.”

A sense of peace washed over me. She also became calmer for the rest of the trip. I think a little bit inside her has healed as well.

Understanding Our Parents to Understand Ourselves

Before your parents are gone, try to understand them—not just as your mom or dad, but as human beings who did the best they could. What were they going through when they raised you? What cultural or financial pressures were they under? How did those things affect their parenting? Were they always this way?

After all, they are going through life the first time, and only time, just like you. Before we pass, I hope we can all face our demons and make amends.

When I see how hard parenting is—especially when you’re working full-time—it makes me more empathetic. My wife and I are dual stay-at-home parents, which gives us more energy for our kids. But it also makes me realize how tired and stressed my own parents must have been every evening at 6 p.m, given they both had full-time jobs until traditional retirement age.

For the longest time, I wondered whether the way my parents disciplined me was a response to my behavior or simply a reflection of their personalities. I had an longstanding belief that I was a terrible kid, that 90% of the way they disciplined me was my fault. After spending five weeks back home as an adult, it’s clear to me I wasn’t all to blame. Instead, I think about 60% of their parenting style was shaped by who they are, not what I did. I also have perspective as a father with an eight-year-old son.

My dad has always been calm—so calm, in fact, that during a family BBQ, he quietly stood up and said he had to take himself to the ER because a metal grill bristle had lodged in his throat. This is the same man who once helped negotiate the release of a kidnapping victim while working in Malaysia. He also served as a prison guard in Thailand during the Vietnam war. At the same time, he’s often chided me rather than encouraged me—for losing tennis matches, being shorter than him, or carrying extra weight. But I’ve long since accepted that this is simply who he is.

My mom is incredibly thoughtful, often at the expense of her well-being. However, she is also full of nervous energy. But I understand now—it’s not her fault. That’s the personality she was born with. It’s just how she learned to survive.

Appreciating What You Already Have

One of the best things about going back to your childhood home is the way it resets your baseline.

For example, after driving my dad’s 28-year-old beater car, I came back to San Francisco with a renewed love for my 10-year-old Range Rover Sport. Bluetooth! Backup cameras! Leather seats that still smell leathery! No longer do I want to buy a replacement car.

It’s the same with our homes, our routines, our lives. We crave more until we remember how little we once had and how happy we still were. As the Buddha said, “Desire is the cause of suffering.” That includes the desire for a bigger home, a fancier car, or more money and status. We lose inner peace chasing what we don’t need.

But if you have frugal parents who’ve kept the house they raised you in, and you return there, you get to reset your expectations and revisit what truly matters.

For decades, I chased nicer homes, believing a larger lot or more luxurious finishes would make me happier. It doesn’t make me happier, just more satisfied as a provider. With kids to raise and time feeling more precious than ever, I just want stability and peace.

Spending several weeks at my childhood home this summer helped remind me to be happy with what I have.

You’ll Learn to Better Take Care of Your Parents

Finally, if reconnecting with your childhood, healing old wounds, better understanding why you are the way you are, and appreciating what you have isn’t reason enough to return home, there’s another important one: it helps you better take care of your aging parents.

If your parents did their best to care for you during your first 18 years, it’s only right and compassionate to return the favor during their last 18. But it’s hard to truly help from a distance.

By living in your childhood home for an extended period, you get to observe the rhythms of your parents’ lives—their habits, preferences, limitations, and unspoken struggles. This allows you to plan ahead.

You might identify the need to clear space for a future caretaker, repair long-ignored plumbing issues, or install handrails and ramps to help with mobility. You may even uncover things they’ve simply stopped noticing or caring about, such as a chronic cough that seems normal to them, but unusual to you.

As our parents age, they spend more and more time alone. For some, like my mother, this solitude is welcome. But for others, like my father, I’m sure he longs for more companionship. I saw how his eyes lit up and his voice grew animated when my sister called him one day while I was sitting beside him.

Observe your parents so you better take care of them later on.

Go Back Before It’s Too Late

Revisiting your childhood home while your parents are still alive can be one of the most emotionally clarifying and healing things you do. Here’s why it matters:

• Reconnect with your roots: Rediscover the person you were before life got complicated.
• See your growth: Measure how far you’ve come and reflect on what still matters to you.
• Understand your parents: Learn to see them as individuals—flawed, human, and shaped by their own stories.
• Heal through reflection: Face old pain, forgive where you can, and give yourself permission to move on.
• Appreciate what you have: Let the simplicity of your past help you feel more grateful for your present.
• Curb the desire for more: Stop chasing upgrades and start embracing enough.
• Support your parents in meaningful ways: Be present, be helpful, and take care of them the way they once took care of you.

If you’re fortunate enough to still have your childhood home—and your parents—go back. Live in it. Listen. Help. Reflect. Heal.

Because one day, you won’t be able to. And when that time comes, you’ll be glad you did everything you could while you still had the chance.

Readers, do you still have access to your childhood home? If so, have you ever gone back to live in it with your parents for an extended period of time? If you have, what did you learn about your parents that you never noticed before? What do you now see as an adult that you couldn’t fully grasp as a child? And what are some other ways you’ve come to appreciate what you have today—and how far you’ve come?

Subscribe To Financial Samurai 

Pick up a copy of my USA TODAY national bestseller, Millionaire Milestones: Simple Steps to Seven Figures. I’ve distilled over 30 years of financial experience to help you build more wealth than 94% of the population—and break free sooner.

Listen and subscribe to The Financial Samurai podcast on Apple or Spotify. I interview experts in their respective fields and discuss some of the most interesting topics on this site. Your shares, ratings, and reviews are appreciated.

To expedite your journey to financial freedom, join over 60,000 others and subscribe to the free Financial Samurai newsletter. Financial Samurai is among the largest independently-owned personal finance websites, established in 2009. Everything is written based on firsthand experience and expertise.

Father’s Day has a way of sneaking up on people. It often arrives with less fanfare than Mother’s Day—fewer flowers, fewer school crafts, maybe a few more grills and ties. And while most dads will say they don’t mind, that doesn’t mean they’re immune to feeling unseen.

This list isn’t about fancy breakfasts or backyard gadgets. It’s about connection. John Gottman’s research tells us that strong relationships are built not on grand gestures, but on small, intentional moments of turning toward one another. Father’s Day is one of those moments—a chance to notice, appreciate, and connect with the father figures in your life in ways that feel meaningful, not just obligatory.

10 ways to celebrate Dad

Here are ideas to truly celebrate Dad in a way that go deeper than the usual card and cookout.

1. Ask Him Something He’s Never Been Asked

Instead of the standard, “What do you want for Father’s Day?” try: “What kind of dad did you hope you’d be?” or “What’s something about fatherhood that surprised you?” These questions  can enhance your dad’s Love Map and your understanding of his inner world. Even dads who don’t usually emote will appreciate being seen in a new way.

2. Celebrate the Mistakes

Fatherhood is often mythologized as heroic, but real strength shows up in humility. If you’ve seen your dad own a mistake, apologize, or grow through failure…name it. Say, “I’ve always respected how you admitted when you were wrong.” It’s not about perfection, it’s about modeling repair. That’s worth celebrating.

3. Tell a Story About Him

Make a new ritual: Go around the dinner table and tell about “a time Dad showed up.” It doesn’t have to be dramatic. Maybe it’s when he taught you to change a tire. Or when he came to your game in the rain. Dr. Gottman’s research shows that stories and shared meaning deepen connection and reinforce a family’s emotional infrastructure.

4. Turn Toward His Bids (Even the Weird Ones)

When your dad starts explaining how to sharpen a lawnmower blade or raves about a documentary on train engines, don’t roll your eyes. Turn toward the bid. These small moments of engagement,  or what Gottman calls the “sliding door” moments, build trust and intimacy over time.

5. Let Him Be More Than a Role

Sometimes “Dad” becomes a job description rather than a relationship. Step back and see the whole person: his hopes, fears, quirks, desires. Compliment not just his parenting, but his presence, creativity, or quiet strength. Dads want to be known, not just needed.

6. Offer a Clean Repair

If there’s been tension or distance, consider offering a gentle repair. “I know we haven’t talked much lately, and I miss that.” Or, “I’m sorry for how I spoke to you last week—you didn’t deserve that.” Repair attempts are one of the strongest predictors of relational health. Don’t wait for perfect timing…just start.

7. Name the Invisible Labor

Not all of a dad’s efforts are visible. Maybe he’s the one who checks the locks at night, who quietly absorbs stress so others don’t have to. Maybe he sacrifices spontaneity to provide security. Noticing these quiet forms of care is a way of saying, “I see you.”

8. Invite Him to Teach You Something

Dads often feel most connected when they’re invited to contribute and to share knowledge or pass on a skill. Ask him to teach you something, even if you already know how. It’s not about the lesson…it’s about the shared experience, the transfer of meaning, and the opportunity to connect shoulder-to-shoulder.

9. Ask About His Hopes

We often ask dads about the past. Try asking about the future: “What are you looking forward to this year?” or “What’s something you still want to do?” These questions treat him as someone who is still becoming, not just someone whose story has already been told.

10. End the Day With a Toast

Seriously. Make a toast. It doesn’t have to be formal or fancy. Just a few words that say, “We see you. We appreciate you. We love who you are, and who you’re becoming.” Every dad deserves to be honored with words that carry weight, not just because he earned them, but because he matters.

Final Thoughts

Father’s Day doesn’t need to be loud. It doesn’t require expensive gifts or elaborate plans. But it does offer a rare chance to reflect on what it means to be – and to love – a dad. Whether you grew up with a father who was present, distant, flawed, nurturing, or some complicated mix of them all, cherish the opportunity to connect.

Say the thing. Tell the story. Make the toast. These are the gestures that don’t just celebrate fathers…they strengthen families.

My relationship with my family has been especially hard lately, and it has chipped away at me for quite some time. I want to have a strong family relationship, but they don’t seem to want to spend any time with me or care about my feelings. It hurts my feelings, to say the least, but I’m trying to learn how to be okay with not being okay. As strange as it sounds, I know it is possible. 

Heeding Wise Words

My sister has had a similar experience with my dad, and she doesn’t talk to him much anymore. Similar to myself, she wanted to have a strong relationship with him, yet she learned in our teenage years that it would never happen. It was my mom who taught her how to skateboard, build model cars, and build model ships. My sister had bought these things with the hope that my dad would do these things with her, but he never did. 

However, the silver lining is that my mom did. My mom stepped in despite her 12-hour job and did each of these things with my sister. She taught her how to skateboard, even though my mom didn’t know how to skateboard, and she also built the model kits with her. While my dad didn’t want to do these things, my mom did, and that helped my sister feel much better. 

But what are you supposed to do when your mom has passed away? Sometimes it seems like the world should have ended when my mom died. A part of my life ended when she passed away, and it can be hard to move forward some days. While my mom wasn’t perfect, she did try her best, and I know she cared about us. Maybe it wasn’t in the traditional way, but she did love us. 

Not Being Consumed with Anger

I have a problem with anger, and I’m not going to downplay it. My entire family has struggled with anger, so it is not surprising that I picked up on this behavior too. Whenever I try to talk with difficult family members, the anger consumes me. I’m mad that they don’t see things from my point of view, and more so, I am mad because they don’t even try. When I bring up something that is bothering me, it is shrugged off and not seen as important. 

And then I’m just left to sit in my feelings. 

As I was walking the other day, I told myself, “It is okay if they don’t care about you. You’ll be okay.” I cried after saying this because nobody wants to come to the realization that some of your family members don’t care about you. None of us wants to face this, yet for many of us, it is true. 

We live in a fallen world, and this means that even our family can hurt us. By not being there for us, saying hurtful words, and not helping us, it all displays to us that we don’t matter. Sometimes we have to learn that we don’t matter to some people, but it doesn’t mean that we are worthless to God. Many members of my family have made me feel worthless, but I know I’m seen as beloved in God’s eyes—and you are too (Jeremiah 31:3).  

Our family might not care, but God does. It is painful to know that many parents don’t care about their children. It shouldn’t be this way, yet for so many children, they know they are seen as a bother or a burden. For those of us who know this, we need to accept the pain; however, we don’t need to allow it to consume us. We don’t need to give in to anger or resentment. Instead, we need to turn to Jesus.

When everyone else doesn’t want us, God does. When others don’t care about us, God does. When we are not loved by our own family, God loves us. 

Reflect on these truths rather than letting the pain eat away at you. The pain will try to hurt us from time to time, yet we can always cling to the promise that God loves us always. His love will never waver or change (Romans 8:37-39). God’s love will never fail us because it is rooted in His perfect character.  

Putting Your Best Foot Forward 

It is a natural reaction to want to make the person who hurt us feel bad about what they have done to us, yet we must not retaliate. God wants us to love them regardless. Whether our family or friends, we are called to love everyone (John 13:34-35). This love shows that we belong to Jesus and we are walking in obedience to Him. 

Each time we feel anger or resentment, we need to give these feelings over to the Lord. The Apostle Peter tells us, “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7). Jesus cares about us. Take this truth to heart and know that you can turn to Him with anything. By turning to Him and resting in His love, we will be able to put our best foot forward. Rather than being consumed by our pain, we will be able to move forward to a better life.

It is a tragedy that many of us have broken families and bad relationships with family members, but sadly, most of us cannot change them. If the person doesn’t want to change, there is nothing we can do. All we can do is give the situation over to Jesus and preserve our well-being. Maybe this means spending some time away from family for a while and reconnecting down the road. 

This might give everyone a chance to get their bearings. Sadly, many of us will return, only to be met with the same pain. I want you to have the best life, and sometimes this means letting go of what is binding you. We can love our family while preserving our well-being. In other words, we can continue to love them and do what is right without having to be around them. 

God doesn’t call us to bear it and grin. Instead, He calls us out of darkness and into His beautiful life. Our families might continue to hurt us and inflict lasting wounds on our hearts, but it doesn’t mean we have to return the same hurtful actions. Instead, we can follow Jesus, love others, and know that we are wanted by Him. 

Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/tommaso79

Vivian Bricker obtained a Bachelor of Arts in Ministry, followed by a Master of Arts with an emphasis in theology. She loves all things theology, mission work, and helping others learn about Jesus. Find more of her content at Cultivate: https://cultivatechristianity.wordpress.com/.