Q:

I have this friend who I’ve always sorta considered “crunchy” and new agey but previously in a pretty harmless way. We’ve always had the sort of relationship with each other where we kind of tease each other because we’re so different. I’m like in my house eating Pringles and ordering pizza and she’s making her own artisanal jams and protein granola or whatever. But like I said, we’re like funny about it with each other and have always sorta enjoyed being opposites (I jokingly call her my Straight Bestie and she calls me her Gay Bestie). She would like bring over homemade healthy snacks for me, and I’d genuinely enjoy them! I’m just not going to do all that myself lol. But recently, her teasing has taken on a sort of critical and judgy tone. She made a joke about wanting to break into my house and throw away all the junk that did not land at all and barely even seemed like a joke. I recently made a joke to her about seed oils and she got REALLY WEIRD so then I was like wait you aren’t succumbing to seed oil bullshit are you? And maybe said something about raw milk too, I can’t remember. But she got so defensive and offended that I would ask that but then also….didn’t exactly deny it? It left a really bad taste in my mouth, and then I went down a rabbithole of some of her recent social media posts and none of it is like GLARINGLY bad. I know she’s vaccinated (though am unsure if she got subsequent boosters). But there’s stuff in there about eating healthy being the ultimate medicine and just some other language that could be orangey flaggy?

Based on the way she reacted to the seed oil question, I’m not sure I can exactly come outright and be like hey you’re not falling for any MAHA/RFK stuff right?!?!?! I know in my heart that she for sure did not vote from Trump and we talk about him being terrible all the time. But something definitely feels off and like am I going to have to deprogram my friend if some conspiracy theory stuff got to her?! I miss the teasing dynamic we used to have, which never felt judgy or mean. WHEN DID NUTRITION BECOME SO POLITICAL?????????

A:

Okay, this is exactly what scares me about all the MAHA stuff and wellness culture. It seems too easy for people of various political alignments to fall for some of MAHA’s talking points. Social media is flooded with information about nutrition and food that is not science- or research-backed. Even I recently had to text a friend of mine who is pretty well versed in wellness culture criticism to ask if red-lens sunglasses are mostly a scam (short answer: yeah, they are). Wanting to be healthy and wanting to eat more ethically are great goals, but they are not really what MAHA is predicated on. It’s an aggressively anti-science movement. And you’re right to be worried about your friend. The MAHA movement is more dangerous than mainstream media sometimes presents it.

If we take the politics out of it for a second (and tbh, nutrition has long been politicized! it’s just becoming more overtly so lately), it’s also just not okay that she’s being judgy of your own food choices. That is not okay, and that is not a good friend. Whatever teasing relationship you had before is between y’all and so long as you were both comfortable, that’s fine and dandy, but the second the dynamic shifted into discomfort and judgement, it sounds like the relationship was (understandably!) tainted. Referring to the food in your house as junk is not okay and assigning moral value to some foods over others is completely counterintuitive to a healthy relationship with food, something your friend supposedly values I’d assume!

So if you aren’t comfortable yet being direct in asking her about her broader beliefs, you might want to at least start here and focus on the personal and intimate. She’s saying things that feel mean to you. You need to let her know how you feel and why. The thing about specific dynamics in a friendship is that, as with any relationship, they can be renegotiated at any point. It sounds like y’all might need to have a conversation about pressing pause on the teasing for now while you work through some of your differences and rebuild trust.

But rebuilding that trust is going to be impossible if your friend is indeed succumbing to dangerous anti-science beliefs. It’s one thing to have playful differences and another to have deep political differences that put your values at odds with each other. It’s a slippery and short slope from “drinks raw milk” to “anti-vaxxer.” Being crunchy doesn’t automatically make you conservative these days, but the right is staking claim to more and more crunchy spaces. If your friend starts selling or pushing supplements, that’s a big red flag, so maybe you should jump in before it gets to that point. I agree, it’ll be hard to do in a way that doesn’t potentially upset her. But I think it sounds like it’s already past the time for those difficult conversations.

You can go into those conversations in good faith but also hold in your heart the possibility that they could have devastating impacts on the friendship. But if there’s at all a chance you could reel your friend in from going down a bad path, I think you should take it. In any case, you should enforce a boundary that criticizing your own food choices is not okay and not something you’re going to tolerate. My guess is that conversation alone will naturally dig up the deeper underlying roots of where your friend is coming from and allow you to get to the bottom of where she really stands.

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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The AV Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1092 articles for us.

My Best Friend Is Shaming Me For Watching Straight Porn

Q

I recently disclosed to my best friend that I watch straight porn and she was massively icked out and now I feel gross and sad. We were having an intimate conversation about porn preferences and I told her something I’ve never told anyone else: that even though I’m a lesbian I watch and get off to stereotypical straight porn sometimes that has certain power dynamics. She literally recoiled and then tried to insinuate this is like rooted in trauma or something fucked up from my past, that it’s not normal for lesbians to watch only straight porn. I felt judged and insecure and tried to walk it back. I feel like she’s questioning my lesbianism. We became best friends in the first place because we were the first lesbians each other knew. It’s why I felt safe telling her.

A:

Riese: We did this massive lesbian sex survey a long while ago which included a whole section on porn. Something like 15k people responded to the survey so it’s a pretty solid group sample-size-wise. 45% of those people —all of them queer women and/or trans people —said they mostly watched straight porn. FORTY FIVE PERCENT. Your friend is just like, profoundly incorrect. Within the group of lesbian-identified people specifically, 41% said they watched straight porn. There are so many reasons for this, but in general there’s not really always a correlation between the porn you watch and the sex you like to have. One thing that came up a lot is that lesbian porn often feels like it was made for straight people anyhow and queer porn that actually has queer people in it tends to cost money (as it should, of course!) and doesn’t just exist on pornhub.

A lot of the porn people watch tends to be more about dynamics rather than gender. Apparently the porn-watching habits of lesbians, in general, tend to go against common wisdom and patterns more easily discernable in other groups. So idk, your friend is wrong and I’m sorry she made you feel that way. I wonder if there’s something else going on with her that she reacted in that way, some nerve you hit. It might be worth asking her — get it out in the open, tell her how her being appalled by you made you feel and dig a little deeper into why she reacted that way.

Summer: Hot damn look at Riese swinging the numbers! I’ll bring a psychosocial perspective since that’s what I’m good for.

Yeah, nah. She’s in the wrong here. For one, it’s just patently uncool and a violation of Girl Code to denigrate a friend who discusses something to you from a place of vulnerability. Especially if that discussion topic doesn’t immediately affect you.

Beyond that, viewing porn that does not conform to your sexual alignment or interests is not inherently a sign of emotional distress, trauma, or even a statement about your sexual alignment. A huge chunk (if not the majority) of fanfic authors who write and get off on M/M fanfic are heterosexual women. Heterosexual men regularly watch porn involving femboys or feminine men. Bisexuals often have a porn preference that doesn’t reflect their actual interest. The thing that binds all of these groups together? Porn is fantasy. Most porn consumers use the content to realise fantasies or indulge in experiences they otherwise don’t need or can’t have.

Whatever your reasons are for watching porn don’t call your sexuality into question any more than a straight girl who reads gay smut is not straight. Your identity is not something that ought to be questioned, especially from someone else who should know better. And it’s not something that requires special justification or living in a specific way to uphold. Gay is not a prestigious, exclusive club. Any club that I’m part of can’t possibly be that cool.

Valerie: I agree with Summer that regardless of her opinions, it is really shitty of your friend to make you feel bad after sharing something so vulnerable and personal! There is no “right” way to be a lesbian or any other label for that matter; in fact, the only way to do it “wrong” is to try to police other people’s identities. This is not what you asked, but something to consider…sometimes the first queer people you meet are great as you first come out, and are who you need to gain the confidence to be you. But as you get older and more and more comfortable with who you are – in ways related to your sexuality and in every other aspect of your life and personality – you’ll learn that “we’re both gay!” is not actually enough to keep a friendship together on its own. And it’s okay to grow out of friendships and grow apart from people, even if they were vital to your journey.

Nico: I’ve known lesbians and queer women who watch straight porn and even who almost exclusively watch gay, cis-dude porn! Like, porn preferences do not necessarily correlate with real-life sexuality. The real question here is what made your friend so okay with making you feel this bad? I’m concerned about someone who would make you feel this way. Maybe this is a friend who you can’t actually have these kinds of conversations with. It might be a good idea to think back on other interactions you’ve had, and to see if you’ve felt like your friend was trying to see and support you for you — or if she just expected you to be exactly like her because you’re both lesbians. That doesn’t mean you have to have a friend breakup or anything, but some friends really are better put in a just-for-fun category, where we trust them with fewer pieces of critical information and also don’t let their opinions carry as much weight.

We Had a Great Threesome. How Can We Have Even More?

Q

My girlfriend and I just had our first threesome with a friend and it was easy and amazing and hot! We are both very monogamous in terms of dating other people or having sex with other people alone but a foursome with a hot couple or a threesome like we had are both super interesting to us… We have both only been in monogamous closed relationships before so this is new territory and I was wondering if any of you have advice for hookups like this to make sure everyone keeps having the the best hottest time.

A

Summer: I’m glad you had such a great time <3. My go-to here is to get your communicatin’ gloves on. Even though you’ve been monogamous until now, something’s happened to change that set of facts. There may be some ambiguity at the moment about what we are but you need to establish ground rules before ambiguity becomes confusion. In your position, I’d highly recommend a what we are now conversation that establishes rules and intentions for your new non-monogamous relationship. Or if necessary, to leave it as a one-and-done thing and return to monogamy. No matter what you both want out of it, your intentions and feelings should be clarified.

Riese: Yeah just set up some expectations and boundaries! Once you’ve had great sex with someone —even a third person, as a couple —that dynamic lingers and can inspire future flirtation and sexual tension whenever you’re around them. Maybe that means you don’t want to hook up with people you’re going to be around a lot, but if you are, prepare for that, even for the possibility that one of you may have a stronger connection with that third than the other. What kind of behavior is ok when you are not actively having sex? Do you want to have one-night stands with thirds or couples, or incorporate someone else into the relationship more regularly? How deep are you willing to get with these external people? You know, stuff like that!

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Oof, where do we even START.

Q

My two closest friends (and future roommates) *Sophie and Madeline have been dating for a couple months. Before that, Sophie and I had a bit of a quiet situationship that I was going to make official, but timing didn’t work out, so she and Madeline ended up together instead. I love both of them dearly and they make a sweet couple, but whenever we go out, Sophie is all over me instead of Madeline. I can tell this is distressing for Madeline, especially since she knows that Sophie has had a thing for me in the past, but I don’t know how to address it without being a problem. Now when we spend time together, I have to keep my guard up because I’m afraid something will happen to ruin our friendships if I don’t, let alone managing my own feelings for Sophie. I don’t even know really what advice I’m asking for, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s been in this situation. I have other friends, but we all revolve around this one group and I desperately don’t want to cause a rift. Help!

*Names have been changed! Did we pick good ones? What would you have gone with? Sound off in the comments.

A

Valerie Anne: What in the L Word is going on here! You absolutely cannot move in with these people before having an open and honest conversation about what is going on. You have to set boundaries, be honest, and clear the air before becoming roommates. It’s going to be hard. And probably awkward as hell. But it’s going to be way more awkward and awful if things come to a head after you’re all on the same lease (or in the same dorm; both similarly hard to quickly escape from). You don’t have to mention you’re navigating your own feelings for Sophie if you’re worried that will upset both of them, but you have to tell Sophie if her being all over you makes you uncomfortable considering the situation. You can talk to them separately or together or both, and make it clear that you’re having this conversation because you DO like them as a couple and DO want to stay friends and be good roommates to each other, but if you don’t set boundaries and expectations now, things can only get worse.

Summer: Oh, this is something.

My immediate reaction is that Sophie is violating the breach of trust she has with Madeline. If Madeline is stressed about Sophie coming onto you, then Sophie’s behavior isn’t above board in their relationship. People are allowed to have complex feelings within a relationship, but actively seeking you out in that romantic capacity is a violation of Madeline’s trust. It’s also contrary to your attempts to keep things stable with Madeline and the friend group. I think Sophie’s behavior is at the point where it’s infringing on your personal boundaries and this bears a firm, but caring discussion with Sophie. Since you’re also friends with Madeline, I would hope that you also have a good enough relationship to discuss it in private with her should you feel the need to ‘get ahead’ of a developing story. Before things get messier.

Drew: My immediate question is whether you’ve talked explicitly to Sophie or Madeline or both about what you want and how you feel. Because that does seem like the first step if your priority is to reduce the drama and end anything flirtatious between you and Sophie. I wonder if the feelings you still have for Sophie are resulting in you keeping the situation in chaos because a part of you still wants it to be. No judgment! An understandable behavior! But if what you really want is to change this dynamic toward something less complicated then you need to express that explicitly.

Laneia: Hear me out, is there literally anywhere else you could live?

Nico: This might sound super stressful, but it might be the move to sit down and talk with them together, in person. I think it’s fair to give Sophie a heads up that you’re going to disclose your situationship history, but that heads up can be while you are all in the same place (one of your apartments). I recommend this move so that no one amongst the three of you can have sidebar conversations about this until after everyone is for sure on the same page. If Sophie wants to dispute what you have to say, she can do it in front of both you and Madeline, and not just to Madeline in private. I think this protects you from a potentially extremely awkward living situation, and also offers Madeline the fullest perspective, and finally asks Sophie to be accountable for her behavior to the both of you at the same time. That said, I am hoping that you consider living somewhere else, unless your motives are to get between Madeline and Sophie. Unless you all are top notch communicators and de-escalators, I don’t foresee this situation NOT becoming tense. Save the friendship and please save yourself!

Should you retroactively un-identify as a lesbian?

Q

I have identified as a lesbian since my mid-twenties, and had two serious relationships since then. It’s not like I really hated the men I dated before I came out but I just had much stronger connections with women, and usually dated people on the butch or masc end of things. I only had two serious relationships though with people who did identify as women at the time, and since our breakups, both of those exes have come out as trans men. Does this mean I’m not actually a lesbian after all? Would it be offensive for me to still identify as a lesbian?

A

Valerie: Do you still FEEL like a lesbian? Is that still a label that you identify with and feel is right for you? Because if so, that’s really the only requirement. You’re attracted to women, and you thought your last two partners were women when you dated them. I personally don’t think, just because it turns out you were wrong and they came out as men, it has to change your label if you don’t want it to. I actually have a friend who identifies as a lesbian and has a trans man ex and she actually delights in being able to talk about her ex who has a stereotypically male name and watch eyebrows go up. That said, if the lesbian label doesn’t FEEL right to you anymore, you can change it! There are no rules about it. But if it still does, I personally don’t think you have to change it because your exes transitioned.

Sa’iyda: I don’t think other people’s gender journey needs to affect how you see yourself in terms of language. Labels are self identifiers, so no one else can tell you how you feel about yourself. If you feel like a lesbian, then that’s what you are. I identified as bi, then queer when I no longer was attracted to men but wanted to respect my past relationship with a cis man. Now I call myself a lesbian because that’s what feels right to me at this stage of my life. Maybe I’ll reach a point in my life where I go back to queer, I don’t know! Nowadays, people are constantly shifting their self-identifiers based on what feels right. And there are a lot of women who say they’re lesbians but have dated or been in serious relationships with men in the past! It happens! But if your former partners transitioning makes you question or want to expand the way you view yourself, try on a new label. You can always go back to being a lesbian if that’s what makes you feel most comfortable.

Summer: It wouldn’t be ‘offensive’ for you to still ID as a lesbian just because the people you dated turned out to be trans after the fact. You are a lesbian as long as you feel strongly enough about your attraction to women to call yourself a lesbian. I think it can be that simple.

More to the point, when you were dating those partners who are now trans, I’m guessing they still characterized themselves as women, or women-like enough to fit into the lesbian attraction matrix. That means you were dating people whose genders aligned to your lesbian identity. They can change that later, but the past is already written. And while there is much capital-D Discourse about whether to characterize trans people as always their current and correct gender or to alter your terminology to reflect certain parts of their lives, that Discourse doesn’t have to impugn your right to personhood. As far as my (trans) ass is concerned, you’re a lesbian because you feel strongly about women in a particular way and that’s your call to make.

Drew: I’m going to go a step further and say you could continue to identify as a lesbian even if you were still dating one of your exes and that felt good for you and good for them. I fundamentally believe labels are fluid and about what feels right in describing yourself and your community. This feels related to the exhausting “can trans men be lesbians” discourse that’s been happening even more than usual in recent weeks. People want everything to be so categorized but that’s just not how it’s ever been and I don’t see the value in it becoming that way. To me, queerness should be about expansion and I’m grateful that lesbian identity and community includes people with a wide variety of gender experiences.

Nico: Here to say that labels are always evolving and fluid in their meanings — as Drew said, and lesbian community does in fact include people of a variety of gender identities. At the end of the day, a label is just a word, and I usually find someone’s label, followed by their own personal definition for how they relate to that label, to be what is actually required for me to understand where that person is coming from. I think that if you had a current partner who, while you were dating, did not identify as a woman, and who was uncomfortable with you using the label “lesbian,” then that is a conversation you can have between the two of you to find out what feels best. I am assuming that at the time, your partners did not express discomfort with your label, and since you are not a psychic who can tell if someone is a trans man before they tell you, I do not thing you did anything wrong there. When I was dating a lesbian and also came out as genderfluid, she asked how I felt about her continuing to identify as a lesbian. But here’s the thing: it was more than just about her attraction, it was also about the history and culture she was tapped into, about her deprioritization of cis men, and how she moved through community and in all of her relationships — not to mention the word being a part of her own personal history of coming out and navigating a hostile heteronormative world. The word “lesbian” was core to her identity for a lot of reasons, and I didn’t particularly feel like my gender identity was in any way challenging or delegitimizing that. That, though, was my own individual take, and someone else could feel completely differently — and that is also valid. However, you are not in a situation like this, so you don’t have to worry about that right now, and you are free to use whatever label feels right to you. You can also try other labels on, see if they feel better than “lesbian,” and you can change your mind LITERALLY at any time.

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