Weaponized incompetence is sort of a household term at this point, as it should be — it’s time that all partners step up and pull their weight when it comes to domestic labor. You’d think that the more well-known it becomes, the less likely it’d be for men (the demo usually found guilty of weaponizing incompetence, sorry) to attempt it anymore. It’s also true that boys and girls are socialized and raised differently, even in the same families. It’s possible your partner truly wasn’t taught how to manage a household well. So, here’s how to tell if someone is using weaponized incompetence, or if they truly just need help understanding how you want them to tackle the task at hand.

For starters, I think it’s fair to say that many men who grow up and appear hapless around the house might just be victims of how our society treats boys and girls. Teenage girls and young women do more unpaid work in their childhood homes than their male counterparts, and how parents divide housework entrenches those gender roles in their kids, especially between fathers and sons, according to the European Institute for Gender Equality. The New York Times references an analysis suggesting that in the U.S., boys aged 15 to 19 do about half an hour of housework a day, while girls do about 45 minutes. While it’s not a startling day-to-day difference, it certainly adds up over time, particularly if boys are doing more typically-assigned-to-men chores (like mowing or taking out the trash) but are never taught the correct way to load a dishwasher (and there is one).

How To Tell If Someone Is Using Weaponized Incompetence

While it’s not fair to girls to place more housework on them even in childhood, we definitely get a better idea of how to run a household at an early age. Cleaning, organizing, and scheduling are skills. Your partner might have been deprived of the opportunity to practice them. If he genuinely doesn’t know how to do something but is eager to learn, he has good intentions.

“Everyone has gaps in skills, but a genuine lack of knowledge comes with a willingness to learn. If your partner asks questions, makes an effort, and gets better over time, that’s real. If they ‘mess up’ in the same way repeatedly without improvement, that’s avoidance,” says couples therapist Thomas Westenholz.

But if they appear capable of, say, packing the kids’ lunches and keeping up with laundry while you’re out of town, it could be weaponized incompetence. “One sign that your partner is pretending to be incompetent is if they will do the necessary tasks if you are not available. If you see that happening, they may have just decided that it is easier for you to do them, but they are capable of doing it themselves,” says Dr. Patrice Le Goy, a psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist.

Here are some other red flags that your partner is weaponizing incompetence, according to Rachel Goldberg, LMFT, PMH-C, a perinatal and parenting licensed therapist in Los Angeles:

• They say things like “I don’t know how to do it the way you like it,” “I don’t know where you put it,” or “You don’t like how I do it.” “This puts you in a position where you think, ‘They’re right, I don’t like how they do it, so I’ll just do it myself.’ They’re essentially training you to take over the task,” Goldberg says.
• There is no attempt to learn, research, or figure it out independently.
• When they are competent at speaking to their employees at work, but suddenly can’t manage to ask the teacher how their child can make up some of the work they missed, you know something is amiss.
• They seem to purposely make mistakes, doing a task in a way they know will upset you or create more work.

How To Deal With Weaponized Incompetence In A Relationship

Ultimately, if you’ve given your partner opportunities to learn how to fold clothes, cook meals, or mop floors, you’ve done your part. You may have to give up a little control on how things get done, Goldberg says — maybe your shirts aren’t folded in your favorite way — but the effort is there. If it’s not, it’s time to call it what it is.

“In the end, the real difference comes down to willingness and effort versus logistics,” she says. “Genuine incompetence is about logistics, where they need information or practice. Weaponized incompetence is about whether they are willing to engage or not, knowing you’ll step in if they don’t.”

So, how do you talk to someone who’s not willing to step up about, well, stepping the hell up?

“That really depends on the relationship and the person. Of course, you can try talking to them about it. You might say something like, ‘I’ve noticed that when I ask you to do something, I’m given a reason you can’t or it just doesn’t happen,’” Goldberg says. “Then you can offer to meet them halfway: ‘I can understand that I am particular sometimes and maybe even critical. I’m going to work on that, and maybe I can show you some of these tasks.’”

For example, here’s Goldberg’s script for discussing laundry: “‘Let me show you how I like it folded. You can even video me doing it so you can refer back to it and get the hang of it. Maybe we can find a happy medium where you’re not going to do it to my exact standards, but I can accept the way you do it as long as it fits nicely in the drawer.’”

Take a beat to explain the way the behavior impacts you as well, Westenholz says. “Instead of blaming, name the impact: ‘When you act like you can’t do this, I feel alone with all the responsibility.’ If they care about the relationship, they’ll step up. If not, that avoidance says more about their commitment than their skill level.”

“As a man you can’t expect a woman to submit to you, if you haven’t given her all of the reasons she should”. Emiola Favor

Hey guys. We hope you are safe? Please do not forget to wash your hand regularly as we gradually approach the end of this Corona virus pandemic (I speak by faith). So we welcome you all to another article that deals with reasons why your lady never submit to you, why your man never respect you and how we could work on various lapses urgently and birth a fruitful relationship. I hope you enjoy, learn and apply these principles. I guarantee you a massive turn around in your relationship.

Every relationship is a blessing and it is to be loved, cherished and admired. I know basic occurrence such as misunderstanding and the likes shows up, but with knowledgeable and wisdom it could be handed careful without hurting or harming each other. Having known that, let’s look at what submission is about.

Gone are those days of King and servant relationship. We are in a partnership era. So if you are still living in that regime, then your operating system is stale and you need to update it. To study more on this subject you should click on this link. It’s just quite unfortunate that most relationship term submissiveness as slavery, which is why most relationship tend to unhappiness, quarrel and increased divorce rate.

Submission in a relationship:

A lot of ladies hate to hear the word submit because we misquote it with the scripture that says slaves submit to your earthly master, so we associate the word submit to slavery. Ladies you need to know that only one person can lead. God called us ladies to be submissive and men to love.

But note you don’t submit to a man that tries to make you feel inferior, you don’t submit to a man that make you feel you are beneath him. You can and you should always submit to a man that is a leader, you should submit to a man that uplift you, elevate you, honour’s you. There are ways you submit to a man by providing him things that he needs in other to make sure you have what you need. A lot of guys dont require a lot from you, all they need is your support, love, care and respect. To know the reason why relationships never work and how to fix it, click on this link.

So we come to girls that are misled by feminism talk such as cooking for your guy is not a responsibility, it’s just a way of supporting him and all. It’s funny but that’s trending, ladies feel cooking for a man isn’t their sole responsibility and as such it should be shared. It isn’t bad to cook for your man and for your to assist you do some cooking. It’s only becomes bad when you feel it isn’t your responsibility cooking for your man.

Most men are neat while some may tolerate dirt, but however, it is your right as a lady to ensure that the house is neat and at all time. As ladies this is to your glory, so don’t expect your man to be excited seeing the house dirty after a long day at work. I know you may say “Hey, let’s be guided I work too”. Yeah i get. Most men would understand and figure out a way of getting a helper who could help you out, tho this is based on mutual agreement. Don’t expect him to come home after a long day only for him to see the house dirty, no food and you expect to respect you and be cool with all that. Everyman needs someone that can recharge him after he is been drained at work. So girls, submissiveness is not slavery, it is just a way of supporting your guy as long as he provides your needs too.

Okay. So let’s look at what men should know if they want ladies to submit and respect them.

As men, you are called to be a leader in your relationship. You are called the head, so lead well.

Also, it is important to know that there is a difference between occupying a leadership position and been a leader. Take for instance, a new CEO (Chief Executive Officers) won’t earn the respect from his or her subordinate because of his or her character or even attribute, owing to the fact that they merely know him, but the CEO will be respected based on his power or authority. So the respect or fear for the person won’t be as a result of what he deserve but the position and the fear that he or she can fire anyone at anytime. But if you are a leader, you don’t need any title or position of authority to be a leader. People follow you because they trust you and respect you genuinely. That is, with or without power..

People believe that been a man in a relationship is a leadership position in the sense that “you should do be says because he is the man”. This style is a very bad route and most divorce has it root in this.

As a man if your lady submit to you, see it as the greatest honour you can ever have in your life. She is simply trusting on your ability to lead, maturity, your decision, consistency, trustworthiness and all these will make her a faithful follower.

Before you get into a relationship, invest in yourself, grow yourself, don’t be an empty barrel and a vision less person. Have a foundation set on how you are going to live your life. You shouldn’t be in a relationship as the head without knowing where you are going or how you are going to lead or what you stand for. There are so many men who doesn’t want to be accountable, yet they want ladies to submit to them. As a man you have to be accountable to your followers and to everyone who looks up to you or your relationship.

Why do you feel people should do what you say when you haven’t earn their respect or trust? People respect some so called leaders not because they deserve it, but the fear of not been sacked.

Every lady actually wants a man who is vision driven, mature and not confused. They want to really trust, love, adore and submit to a man who will deserve it and not force or compel them too. If your babe doesn’t respect you or submit to you as you would want, don’t yell at her. You just need to work on yourself until she realizes that you deserve her trust, respect and submissiveness. If you force this on her, you will keep loosing respect, love and finally lose her.

I hope you all enjoyed this episode. Please put this to practice and your love life will be so blessed.