We ultimately become what we habitually do. If your daily habits aren’t moving you forward, they are holding you back. Here are four widespread examples of the latter that often drain people of their true potential, day after day, and some strategies for turning things around if you’re currently stuck in that cycle…

1. Most of us hold on too tight for too long.

Twenty years ago, when Marc and I were just undergrads in college, our psychology professor taught us a lesson we’ve never forgotten. On the last day of class before graduation, she walked up on stage to teach one final lesson, which she called “a vital lesson on the power of perspective and mindset.” As she raised a glass of water over her head, everyone expected her to mention the typical “glass half empty or glass half full” metaphor. Instead, with a smile on her face, our professor asked, “How heavy is this glass of water I’m holding?”

Students shouted out answers ranging from a couple of ounces to a couple of pounds.

After a few moments of fielding answers and nodding her head, she replied, “From my perspective, the absolute weight of this glass is irrelevant. It all depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute or two, it’s fairly light. If I hold it for an hour straight, its weight might make my arm ache. If I hold it for a day straight, my arm will likely cramp up and feel completely numb and paralyzed, forcing me to drop the glass to the floor. In each case, the absolute weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it feels to me.”

As most of us students nodded our heads in agreement, she continued. “Your worries, frustrations, disappointments, and stressful thoughts are very much like this glass of water. Think about them for a little while and nothing drastic happens. Think about them a bit longer and you begin to feel noticeable pain. Think about them all day long, and you will feel completely numb and paralyzed, incapable of doing anything else until you drop them.”

Think about how this relates to your life and your recent endeavors over the past year or so.

If you’ve been struggling to cope with the weight of what’s on your mind, it’s a strong sign it’s time to let go and put the figurative glass down.

2. Most of us try to control everything.

We must remind ourselves that we can’t calm life’s storms. What we can do is calm ourselves, and the storms will eventually pass. The most powerful and practical changes happen when we decide to take control of what we do have power over, instead of craving control over what we don’t.

So be honest with yourself: How often did you aim for full control this past year?

It’s OK. But it’s time for a release…

As you read these words, you are breathing. Stop for a moment and notice this breath. You can control this breath, and make it faster or slower, or make it behave as you like. Or you can simply let yourself inhale and exhale naturally. There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine letting other parts of your body breathe, like your tense shoulders. Just let them be, without having to tense them or control them.

Now look around the room you’re in and notice the objects around you. Pick one, and let it breathe. There are likely people in the room with you too, or in the same house or building, or in nearby houses or buildings. Visualize them in your mind, and let them breathe.

When you let everything and everyone breathe, you just let them be, exactly as they are. You don’t need to control them, worry about them, or change them. You just let them breathe, in peace, and you accept them as they are… so you can find inner calmness, and be on your way. This is the foundation of what letting go is all about. It can be a life-changing practice. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

3. Most of us tell ourselves stories.

Many of the biggest misunderstandings in life could be avoided if we simply took the time to ask, “What else could this mean?” A wonderful way to do this is by using a reframing tool we initially picked up from research professor Brene Brown, which we then tailored through our coaching work with students and live event attendees. We call the tool The story I’m telling myself. Although asking the question itself—“What else could this mean?”—can help reframe our thoughts and broaden our perspectives, using the simple phrase The story I’m telling myself as a prefix to troubling thoughts has undoubtedly created many “aha moments” for our students and clients in recent times.

Here’s how it works: The story I’m telling myself can be applied to any difficult life situation or circumstance in which a troubling thought is getting the best of you. For example, perhaps someone you love (husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.) didn’t call you or text you when they said they would, and now an hour has passed and you’re feeling upset because you’re obviously not a high enough priority to them. When you catch yourself feeling this way, use the phrase: The story I’m telling myself is that they didn’t call me because I’m not a high enough priority to them.

Then ask yourself these questions:

• Can I be absolutely certain this story is true?
• How do I feel and behave when I tell myself this story?
• What’s one other possibility that might also be true?

Challenge yourself to think better on a daily basis — to challenge the stories you subconsciously tell yourself and do a reality check with a more objective mindset.

4. Most of us say yes too often.

We all have ongoing opportunities and obligations, but a healthy and productive routine can only be found in the long run by properly managing your yeses. And yes, sometimes you have to say “no” to really good opportunities and obligations. You can’t always be agreeable — that’s how people take advantage of you. And that’s how you end up taking advantage of yourself too. You have to set clear boundaries!

You might have to say no to certain favors, work projects, community associations, volunteer groups… coaching your kid’s sports teams, or some other seemingly worthwhile activity. I know what you’re thinking: it seems unfair to say no when these are very worthwhile things to do — it pains you to say no! But you must, because the alternative is that you’re going to do a half-baked, poor job at each one, be stressed out, feel like you’re stuck in an endless cycle of busyness, and eventually you’ll reach a breaking point.

Truth be told, the main thing that keeps so many of us stuck in a debilitating cycle of overwhelm is the fantasy in our minds that we can be everything to everyone, everywhere at once, and a hero on all fronts. But again, that’s not reality. The reality is you’re not Superman or Wonder Woman — you’re human and you have limits. So you have to let go of that idea of doing everything, pleasing everyone, and being everywhere.

In the end, you’re either going to do a few things well, or everything poorly. That’s the truth.

A four-step exercise for building better habits:

If you feel like your daily habits have held you back in recent times, this actionable closing exercise is for YOU.

Choose any area in your life that you want to improve, and then:

1. Write down the specific details about your current circumstances. (What’s bothering you? Where are you stuck? What do you want to change?)
2. Write down your answer to this question: What are the daily habits that have contributed to your current circumstances? (Be honest with yourself. What are you doing regularly that actually contributes to the situation you’re in?)
3. Write down a few specific details about the “better circumstances” you’d like to create for yourself. (What would make you feel good? What does an improved situation look like for you?)
4. Write down your answer to this question: What are the (new) daily habits that will get you from where you are to where you want to be? (Think about it. What small, daily steps will help you gradually move forward from point A to point B?)

Now it’s your turn…

Yes, it’s your turn to not fall back into your old regrettable habits and patterns of living simply because they’re more comfortable and easier to access. It’s your turn to remember that you’re changing certain habits and patterns for a reason: to improve your life and make the very best of what’s ahead — because you can’t move forward if you keep falling back.

But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Which one of the points above resonated the most today?

Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

This article is an excerpt from Atomic Habits, my New York Times bestselling book.

The Japanese railway system is regarded as one of the best in the world. If you ever find yourself riding a train in Tokyo, you’ll notice that the conductors have a peculiar habit.

As each operator runs the train, they proceed through a ritual of pointing at different objects and calling out commands. When the train approaches a signal, the operator will point at it and say, “Signal is green.” As the train pulls into and out of each station, the operator will point at the speedometer and call out the exact speed. When it’s time to leave, the operator will point at the timetable and state the time. Out on the platform, other employees are performing similar actions. Before each train departs, staff members will point along the edge of the platform and declare, “All clear!” Every detail is identified, pointed at, and named aloud.

This process, known as Pointing-and-Calling, is a safety system designed to reduce mistakes. It seems silly, but it works incredibly well. Pointing-and-Calling reduces errors by up to 85 percent and cuts accidents by 30 percent.1 The MTA subway system in New York City adopted a modified version that is “point-only,” and “within two years of implementation, incidents of incorrectly berthed subways fell 57 percent.”2

Pointing-and-Calling Your Habits

Pointing-and-Calling is so effective because it raises the level of awareness from a nonconscious habit to a more conscious level.3 Because the train operators must use their eyes, hands, mouth, and ears, they are more likely to notice problems before something goes wrong.

My wife does something similar. Whenever we are preparing to walk out the door for a trip, she verbally calls out the most essential items in her packing list. “I’ve got my keys. I’ve got my wallet. I’ve got my glasses. I’ve got my husband.”

The more automatic a behavior becomes, the less likely we are to consciously think about it. And when we’ve done something a thousand times before, we begin to overlook things. We assume that the next time will be just like the last. We’re so used to doing what we’ve always done that we don’t stop to question whether it’s the right thing to do at all. Many of our failures in performance are largely attributable to a lack of self-awareness.

One of our greatest challenges in changing habits is maintaining awareness of what we are actually doing. This helps explain why the consequences of bad habits can sneak up on us. We need a “point-and-call” system for our personal lives. That’s the origin of the Habits Scorecard, which is a simple exercise you can use to become more aware of your behavior.

The Habits Scorecard

To create your own Habits Scorecard, start by making a list of your daily habits.

Here’s a sample of where your list might start:

• Wake up
• Turn off alarm
• Check my phone
• Go to the bathroom
• Weigh myself
• Take a shower
• Brush my teeth
• Floss my teeth
• Put on deodorant
• Hang up towel to dry
• Get dressed
• Make a cup of tea

… and so on.

Once you have a full list, look at each behavior, and ask yourself, “Is this a good habit, a bad habit, or a neutral habit?” If it is a good habit, write “+” next to it. If it is a bad habit, write “–”. If it is a neutral habit, write “=”.

For example, the list above might look like this:

• Wake up =
• Turn off alarm =
• Check my phone –
• Go to the bathroom =
• Weigh myself +
• Take a shower +
• Brush my teeth +
• Floss my teeth +
• Put on deodorant +
• Hang up towel to dry =
• Get dressed =
• Make a cup of tea +

The marks you give to a particular habit will depend on your situation and your goals. For someone who is trying to lose weight, eating a bagel with peanut butter every morning might be a bad habit. For someone who is trying to bulk up and add muscle, the same behavior might be a good habit. It all depends on what you’re working toward.

How Do I Know if a Habit is Good or Bad?

Scoring your habits can be a bit more complex for another reason as well.

The labels “good habit” and “bad habit” are slightly inaccurate. There are no good habits or bad habits. There are only effective habits. That is, effective at solving problems. All habits serve you in some way—even the bad ones—which is why you repeat them.

When completing your Habits Scorecard, however, you can categorize your habits by how they will benefit you in the long run. Generally speaking, good habits will have net positive outcomes. Bad habits have net negative outcomes. Smoking a cigarette may reduce stress right now (that’s how it’s serving you), but it’s not a healthy long-term behavior.

If you’re still having trouble determining how to rate a particular habit, here is a question I like to use: “Does this behavior help me become the type of person I wish to be? Does this habit cast a vote for or against my desired identity?” Habits that reinforce your desired identity are usually good. Habits that conflict with your desired identity are typically bad.

Where to Go From Here

As you create your Habits Scorecard, there is no need to change anything at first. The goal is to simply notice what is actually going on. Observe your thoughts and actions without judgment or internal criticism. Don’t blame yourself for your faults. Don’t praise yourself for your successes.

If you eat a chocolate bar every morning, acknowledge it, almost as if you were watching someone else. Oh, how interesting that they would do such a thing. If you binge-eat, simply notice that you are eating more calories than you should. If you waste time online, notice that you are spending your life in a way that you do not want to.

The process of behavior change always starts with awareness. Strategies like Pointing-and-Calling and the Habits Scorecard are focused on getting you to recognize your habits and acknowledge the cues that trigger them, which makes it easier to discover which habits you should change and respond in a way that benefits you.

This article is an excerpt from Chapter 4 of my New York Times bestselling book Atomic Habits. Read more here. 

“If you don’t like something, change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.” ~Mary Engelbreit

“So, what do you think?” my husband asked, the dinner table lit by the soft glow of the overhead light. He’d been talking for a while, and I knew I should have been listening.

“What do you think?” he repeated with a hint of frustration.

My mind raced trying to piece together the last few minutes. All I could say was a weak, “Huh?”

It was the worst possible response. Normally, I’d be right there with him, sharing my thoughts. But this time, my attention was elsewhere: I was scrolling mindlessly on my phone.

The frustration in his eyes was a clear reminder of how often I was missing out on the present moment.

I realized that my phone was robbing me of genuine connection. I knew then I needed to change.

The Struggle with Bad Habits Is Real

We’ve all been there battling habits we know aren’t good for us. Mine was the endless scrolling and checking social media.

After that dinner incident, I was determined to reclaim my attention and be present. My first move? Deleting all my social media apps.

The first week was tough. I wasn’t on social media, but my phone still felt like an extension of my hand. I’d instinctively reach for it, ready to open Instagram, only to remember it was gone. This happened every hour. I was trying to change, but the craving was intense.

Weeks later, my motivation went away. “What’s the point?” I thought. I felt like I was missing out and losing touch with friends.

I justified checking my phone during “downtime,” like waiting in line, or after a long day when I needed to “relax.”

The more I told myself, “Don’t use your phone,” the stronger the urge became. It was like telling yourself not to think about sleeping… you just become more aware of being awake.

Inevitably, I reinstalled the apps and fell back into my old patterns. I felt defeated and frustrated. I also labeled myself “lazy.” I thought I had failed.

Discovering A New Approach: Acceptance

One day, while browsing the library, I stumbled upon the psychological concept of an “extinction burst.” This describes the surge of a behavior after you try to stop it.

Think of it like this: you decide to give up sweets, and for a few days, it’s fine. Then, suddenly, you devour an entire box of cookies.

That’s what happened to me. I thought willpower was the answer, but resisting only intensified my cravings.

Instead, I learned about accepting bad habits. This means acknowledging their presence without judgment.

When I shifted my perspective, everything changed. My anxiety decreased, and I stopped stressing about “doing the right thing.”

I realized that falling back into old patterns didn’t make me a failure. It meant I needed more time to understand my habits better.

Practical Steps for Accepting Bad Habits

1. Create space for observation.

Accepting bad habits begins with understanding them. I started observing my phone use with a new level of awareness.

• I used mindfulness techniques to become more aware of the triggers that led me to reach for my phone.
• I also started journaling to track when and why I wanted to scroll. What emotions or situations prompted me to seek the distraction of my phone? What needs was I trying to fulfill? For example, did I feel lonely, bored, or stressed?

2. Change the narrative around your habits.

Instead of a harsh “Don’t use your phone,” I began to use a gentler approach. I tried saying, “Don’t use your phone now.”

This acknowledged the urge without completely denying it. It gave me a moment to pause and breathe, to consciously decide whether checking my phone was necessary.

This simple shift in language created space for mindful decision-making.

3. Reframe ‘bad habits’ as signals.

Instead of labeling habits as ‘bad,’ consider them signals. Ask yourself: What need am I trying to meet? What am I feeling now?

For example, I learned that checking my phone was a signal for a need for connection or a fear of missing out.

Once you understand the message behind your habit, respond with compassion and understanding. Instead of criticizing yourself, acknowledge your needs and explore healthier ways to meet them.

This shift transforms habits from enemies into valuable insights about your inner world.

4. Replace, don’t just eliminate.

Instead of simply deleting social media apps, I looked for healthier alternatives. I started saying, “I noticed I want to use my phone; instead I’m going to read one page of that book.”

Finding substitutes helped me fill the gap and made the transition smoother.

For example, if I felt the urge to scroll when bored, I would reach for a book, walk, or listen to a podcast instead.

5. Treat yourself with kindness.

Beating myself up for slipping back into old habits only made the process more difficult. I learned to practice self-compassion, reminding myself that change takes time and that setbacks are a normal part of being human.

I desired this change the most, so I needed to be patient and kind to myself. And I made more progress by offering myself the same understanding and support I would offer a friend.

Moving Toward a New Relationship with Your Habits

Habits are complex, and breaking them isn’t easy. But understanding them is the first step to changing them.

Accepting bad habits is a powerful tool for transformation. Instead of fighting them, we can observe, understand, and redirect them.

I’ve learned that accepting your habits doesn’t mean giving up—it means you are gaining control. You’re acknowledging your humanity and approaching change with compassion and understanding.

You have the power to reshape your relationship with your habits and create a life that aligns with your values and aspirations.

What habits are you working on? Share your experiences in the comments below! Or share this post with someone who could benefit from it. Let’s support each other on this journey.

About Nury

Nury created Her New Habits to simplify personal growth for beginners. Her writing offers friendly support and actionable advice. Begin with her Free Morning Routine Guide (this is a perfect first step). Or, visit Her New Habits Blog to explore more resources and find your growth path today.

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