The goal is to change your response to what you can’t control — to gradually grow stronger on the inside, so less on the outside affects your inner peace and happiness without your conscious permission.

The mind is the biggest battleground. It’s the place where the greatest conflict resides. It’s where we all develop thinking habits that put us in direct opposition with reality — where the things we fear drain us but never actually happen. It’s where our expectations get the best of us, and we fall victim to our own trains of thought, again and again.

Truth be told, in the game of life we all receive a unique set of unexpected limitations and variables in the field of play. The question is: How will you think about and respond to the hands you’ve been dealt? You can either focus on the lack thereof, or you can empower yourself to play the game sensibly and resourcefully, making the very best of each outcome as it arises, even when it’s hard to accept.

The bottom line is that when you can’t control what’s happening in the world around you, you must challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening, by better managing your habits of mind. Of course that’s much easier said than done though, because it’s hard to change the thinking habits we engage in mostly at a subconscious level. But we can get better by bringing more awareness to what we’re doing…

So today let’s take a look at three thinking habits Angel and I have seen draining hundreds of coaching clients and live event attendees of their inner peace and happiness, consistently over the past 15 years…

1. The habit of expecting things to be a certain way.

Imagine you had a ripe, juicy tangerine sitting on the table in front of you. You pick it up eagerly, take a bite, and begin to taste it.

You already know how a ripe, juicy tangerine should taste, and so when this one is a bit tarter than expected, you make a face, feel a sense of disappointment, and swallow it, feeling cheated out of the experience you expected.

Or perhaps the tangerine tastes completely normal — nothing special at all. So, you swallow it without even pausing to appreciate its flavor as you move on to the next unworthy bite, and the next.

In the first scenario, the tangerine let you down because it didn’t meet your expectations. In the second, it was too plain because it met your expectations to a T.

Do you see the irony here?

It’s either not good or not good enough. This is how many of us live our lives… unhappily and unsuccessfully. It’s why so many of us feel let down, drained, and unexcited so often…

Because nothing really meets our expectations.

Now imagine you try this instead: remove your expectations of how the tangerine “should” taste. You don’t know, and you don’t expect to know, because you haven’t even tried it yet. Instead, you’re genuinely curious, impartial, and open to a variety of possible flavors. You taste it, and you truly pay attention. You notice the juiciness, the texture of the pulp, the simultaneously tangy, tart, and sweet flavors swirling around on your tongue, and all the other complex sensations that arise in your awareness as you chew. You didn’t know how this tangerine would taste, but now you realize it’s different from the rest, and it’s remarkable in its own way. It’s a totally new experience — a worthwhile experience — because you’ve never tasted this tangerine before.

Mindfulness experts often refer to this as “beginner’s mind,” but really, it’s just the result of a mind-set free of needless, stifling expectations.

The tangerine, of course, can be substituted for almost anything in your life: any event, any situation, any relationship, any person, any thought at all that enters your mind. If you approach any of these with expectations of “how it should be” or “how it has to be” in order to be good enough for you, they will almost always disappoint you in some way, or be too plain and unexciting to even remember. And you’ll just move on to the next disappointment or unworthy life experience, and the next, and the next, and so on and so forth, until you’ve lived the vast majority of your life stuck in an habitual cycle of experiences you barely like or barely even notice.

2. The habit of inner resistance.

You might be surprised by how often you subconsciously resist life. If you evaluate your body and posture right now, I bet you can find some kind of tension. For me it’s often in my neck, but sometimes it’s in my back and shoulders.

Where does this tension we feel come from? We’re resisting something — perhaps we’re annoyed by someone, frustrated at life, overwhelmed by all our obligations, or just bored. And our inner resistance creates a tension in our bodies and weakness in our lives. Therefore, Angel and I often recommend this simple strategy to people who are struggling to relieve themselves of their resistance and tension:

• Locate the tension in your body right now.
• Notice what you’re resisting and tensing up against — it might be a situation or person you’re dealing with or avoiding.
• Relax the tense area of your body — deep breath and a quick stretch often helps.
• Face the same situation or person, but with a relaxed body and mind.

Repeat this practice as often as needed. Face each day with less tension and more presence. Change your mode of being from one of struggle and resistance to one of flow and acceptance.

3. The habit of focusing only on what’s wrong.

The bottom line is that almost every situation imaginable has hidden beauty in it if we are willing to open up to it. For example, in the past, even as Angel and I coped with the death of loved ones, we discovered opportunities for us to appreciate life more, to celebrate the lives of those we’ve lost, and to tune in to the priceless time we’ve had, and still have, with people we love.

We do our best to embody this same mindset in every difficult life situation we encounter. When we get ill, it’s a chance for us to rest. When some unforeseeable event postpones one of our business projects, we spend more time with family. When our adolescent son throws a temper tantrum, we see that he’s expressing himself, asserting his individuality, and being human.

We choose to find what’s right, even when it’s hard to see. And we can all practice this on the average day. Try to use frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life.

Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remind yourself that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance. Because while a small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. Again, where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt.

Now it’s your turn…

Yes, it’s your turn to not fall back into old habits of mind simply because they’re more comfortable and easier to access right now. It’s your turn to remember that you’re leaving certain thinking habits behind today for a reason: to improve your life — because you can’t move forward if you keep going back. And it’s undoubtedly your turn to reclaim your inner peace and happiness, and make your time count going forward!

But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Which one of the points above resonated the most today?

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.”’
Helen Keller

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
Mahatma Gandhi

Living a life where you’re happier and kinder towards yourself is not just about what you can do.

But also about what you are already doing. And especially those habits that do have a negative and unhappy impact on your life.

So this week I’d like to share 9 such habits. And what have helped me a whole lot to do instead.

1. Stop overthinking.

Overthinking can make any issue seem bigger and scarier than it actually is. It can hold you back in life and from taking action.

What to do instead:

Set short time-limits for decisions.

For example: For small decisions like if should go and do the laundry, start writing a new article or work out I usually give myself 30 seconds or less to make a decision. 

For somewhat larger decisions that would have taken me days or weeks to think through in the past I set a deadline for 30 minutes or at least for the end of the workday.

Keep a simple reminder where you cannot avoid seeing it every day.

A note that said “Keep things extremely simple” on the white board I saw many times each day helped me greatly to – over time – minimize my overthinking.

2. Stop swimming in the sea of the most negative voices.

Our happiness is greatly influenced by the people and the other sources around us.

If you swim around in a sea of negative people and information that drag you down into fear, frustration and feeling powerless then that will limit your life.

What to do instead:

Figure out what the biggest time-wasters and energy-drains are among all those things that influence you.

• What 1-2 people drag you and your thoughts down the most?
• What 1-2 other sources like blogs, forums, books, magazines, social media channels and TV-shows have the biggest negative impact?

Write those answers down. Then think about what 1-2 people and 1-2 other sources that lift you up and make you feel happier about yourself and life the most.

Make a decision to spend less time with the 2-4 negative sources and to spend the time you have now freed up with those positive influences you listed.

3. Stop getting stuck in the past or future.

Spending too much time in the past usually leads to going over old mistakes or failures over and over again and to wishing you could go back and do something about them.

And spending too much time thinking about the future usually leads to worries and to building monsters and nightmare scenarios in your mind.

What to do instead:

Spend more of your time in the present moment. You’ll feel lighter, things will feel easier and you’ll be more alert to appreciate the small wonders of everyday life.

Reconnect with what’s happening right now by just sitting down and being still. Then either:

• Just breathe. Spend a couple of minutes on focusing on just your breaths going in and out.
• Only focus on what is going on around you right now. Do it with all your senses. Listen, see, smell and feel what is happening in your little part of the world at this moment.

4. Stop setting a too high bar for happiness.

A common mistake I used to make was to set a too high bar for my own happiness.

And so I usually only felt happy when I achieved something big, when I did something perfectly or when something unexpected and wonderful happened.

You don’t have to wait for those rare occasions to feel happy though.

What to do instead:

Tell yourself this as you get out of bed in morning:

Today I will have a low bar for happiness.

To remember to do this, consider writing it down on a note or on your smart phone so you see it first thing in the morning.

By doing so you’ll take fewer things for granted. Your attention will naturally be more on what is happening in your daily life and you’ll be more grateful for the things there.

Like the food, the weather, hanging out with a friend or a pet for a while, the small gestures of kindness and the small moments that pass by so quickly.

This has at least been my experience with this habit. And it has not decreased my drive to achieve things or to get to done.

Instead it has made daily life lighter to live. And the path to what I want to achieve a happier one to walk on.

5. Stop comparing yourself to other people.

Comparing yourself to other people can easily become a destructive and depressing daily habit.

You compare relationships, cars, careers, bodies and houses and at the end of the day your self-esteem is low and you feel like a failure with negativity buzzing around in your head like a swarm of irritating bees.

What to do instead:

Compare yourself to yourself. Just see:

And don’t forget to celebrate the small successes and steps forward too.

This habit will help you to see yourself from a kinder and more helpful perspective where you feel energized as you appreciate the steps you have taken on your journey.

Instead of feeling drained and powerless to keep growing and to keep going for what you want out of life.

6. Stop doing things too fast.

When you go fast pretty much all the time while walking, talking, driving or working then you tend to feel more stressed.

Your focus more easily becomes scattered and it becomes harder to think clearly.

What to do instead:

Slow down. Walk, talk, move, drive and work slower. As you you do that:

• The stress in your body and mind will float away.
• You’ll naturally be more in the moment.
• You’ll enjoy all the smells, sights, sounds and experiences of life even more.

7. Stop pushing away how you deep down feel.

It is one thing to focus on what is positive in life.

But it is another thing to try to push away how you deep down feel about something.

And it usually doesn’t lead to happiness even if you try to turn on a smile and force the positivity.

What to do instead:

Write it or talk it out.

Don’t force the positive thinking. If you have negative feelings or thoughts that pop up again and again then take some time with yourself to think it through.

A pen and paper or a journal on your computer can help you to think more clearly. Or you can talk about it with someone close to you.

Create a small plan.

After you have accepted and processed how you think and feel about this then write down a small plan – maybe just a step or a couple of them – that you can take action on to move yourself out of this situation and into something better.

And after that get going and get the ball rolling by taking the first small and practical step forward.

8. Stop spending too little energy and attention on what truly matters to you.

It is easy to get lost and misspend too much of your day and week.

On things you might just do out of habit or because you feel you should. On busywork or on things that honestly deep down isn’t that important to you.

What to do instead:

Get your priorities in check. Focus on what truly matters for YOU.

Ask yourself: what are the top 4 most important things in my life this year?

Maybe it is your family. Or your hobby and to become a better photographer. Or your health and getting in shape. Or an important project at work or in your own business.

Sit down, really think about it and reduce what matters to just the essentials.

Then take out a pen and a small piece of paper and write down just your top 4 priorities for this year.

Put that note where you cannot avoid seeing it every day. Like in your work space. Or beside your bathroom mirror or on your fridge.

This will help you to keep your focus on the right track every day.

9. Stop waiting for someone else to make you happier.

Don’t make the all too common mistake of waiting for someone else to create the week, month and year you want to have. That usually leads to much waiting and frustrations.

What to do instead:

Be proactive. Get the ball rolling yourself. Take action and take the first small step forward with making the changes you want to make to create the life you want to live.

• Set up a coffee date or an evening at the pub with those most positive people in your life.
• Set the low bar for happiness as you jump or drag yourself out of bed in the morning and go slow today.
• Sit down tonight and write down those four most important things for you this year.

And if it feels difficult and you start to procrastinate then remember that you can always take smaller steps forward.

Do whatever is needed to reduce that mental barrier and to get yourself to begin or back into taking action again.