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Article created by: Monika Pašukonytė

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you meet up with your date and realize – so not a fit? The scariest thought about it is what if they don’t think the same, what if they expect something more?

So, you have to come up with something to make sure it won’t happen. And, well, yapping nonsense quite often does the trick. Only problem – doing so requires quite a talent, not everyone can blab on the spot. That’s why we prepared today’s list – it’s full of ideas on what to say when you’re sure you don’t want that second date. So, buckle up and let’s go on this wild ride!

More info: Reddit

Weekly The week’s finest content carefully selected to bring you the best articles directly [once per week]

Daily Our top news, meme articles, and a dose of the best content delivered straight to your inbox. [every day]

Funny The funniest articles of the week that had our audience in stitches [once per week]

Animals A delightful mix of top animal photos, memes, and a sprinkle of pet wellness articles [once per week]

Good News A dose of uplifting news delivered directly to your inbox. Pure positivity guaranteed [once per week]

Best Deals Exclusive discounts, our top shopping articles and ever more impressive deals directly to you [once per week]

Art The most captivating photographs, incredible art pieces, and amusing comics—all in one curated collection of the finest art articles [once per week]

Parenting Stories Discover relatable and unbelievable parenting anecdotes from the daily journey of raising a child [once per week]

Brainy Panda The most interesting trivia and quizzes in your inbox

Retirement.

A big change. A new adventure.

Exciting but maybe also a bit daunting and uncertain.

To help you out with that I’d like to share 52 of the most witty, hilarious and funny retirement quotes.

I hope you’ll find something here that will make you laugh, relax and maybe release a bit of stress and uncertainty about this brand new chapter in your life.

Funny Retirement Quotes That Will Make You Laugh

“Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.”
– Gene Perret

“In retirement, every day is Boss Day and every day is Employee Appreciation Day.”
– Terri Guillemets

“When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.”
– Chi Chi Rodriguez

“There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want.”
– Bill Watterson

“I’m retired – goodbye tension, hello pension!”
– Unknown

“I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy.”
– Danny McGoorty

“I would like to extend my condolences to your employer for the devastating loss. Happy retirement!”
– Unknown

“When you retire, you switch bosses – from the one who hired you to the one who married you.”
– Gene Perret

“There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working.”
– Robert Half

“The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.”
– Abe Lemons

“I’m not just retiring from the company, I’m also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron.”
– Hartman Jule

“A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.”
– Ella Harris

“Yes,” he laughed, “I’ve been attending lots of seminars in my retirement. They’re called naps.”
– Terri Guillemets

“I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day.”
– Gene Perret

“Instead of saving for someone else’s college education, I’m currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch.”
– Jen Kirkman

“Retirement is like a long vacation in Vegas. The goal is to enjoy these years to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.”
– Jonathan Clements

“My retirement plan is to get thrown into a minimum security prison in Hawaii.”
– Julius Sharpe

“I’m tired of retirement jokes. I retired my hearing aid, my teeth, and the mortgage. The only thing left is my breath.”
– Phyllis Diller

“Retirement: It’s nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.”
– Gene Perret

“Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.”
– Bob Hope

Hilarious Retirement Sayings and Wishes With Lots of Humor

“Retirement is not in my vocabulary. They aren’t going to get rid of me that way.”
– Betty White

“Retirement adds 5 days to your weekend! Enjoy it!”
– Unknown

“You don’t stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop laughing.”
– George Bernard Shaw

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain

“Some of the best memories are made in flip flops.”
– Kellie Elmore

“Retirement: that’s when you return from work one day and say ‘hi honey, I’m home – forever’.”
– Gene Perret

“My retirement plan is to get thrown off the golf course.”
– Rory McIlroy

“Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.”
– C.S. Lewis

“Don’t simply retire from something; have something to retire to.”
– Henry Emerson Fosdick

“We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time.”
– Vince Lombardi

“Every day is a chance to begin again.”
– Catherine Pulsifer

“Often when you think you’re at the end of something, you’re at the beginning of something else.”
– Fred Rogers

“Retire from work, but not from life.”
– M.K. Soni

“Our ultimate goal, after all, is not a good death but a good life to the very end.”
– Atul Gawande

“If all the economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.”
– George Bernard Shaw

“Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.”
– Robert Benchley

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.”
– C.S. Lewis

“The purpose of life is to find your gift. The meaning of life is to give it away.”
– Shulamit Ambalu

“You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.”
– George Burns

Short and Funny Retirement Sayings

“The question isn’t at what age I want to retire, it’s at what income.”
– George Foreman

“I have four kids, seven grandkids, and four great-grandkids. Maybe I can become a great-great-grandfather if I hang on!”
– Dick Van Dyke

“It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous.”
– Robert Benchley

“Retirement: When you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house.”
– Bob Simmons

“Finish last in your league, and they call you an idiot. Finish last in medical school, and they call you doctor.”
– Abe Lemons

“Retirement is not the end of the road. It is the beginning of the open highway.”
– Terrence H. Seamon

“It is our habits that determine how we age, not our genes.”
– Steven R. Gundry

“The only thing better than a good education is a good retirement!”
– Franklin P. Adams

“Spreading sheets sounds more appealing than a spreadsheet.”
– Unknown

“The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.”
– Sam Williams

“He who laughs last at the boss’s jokes probably isn’t far from retirement.”
– Unknown

“I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.”
– Roger Steves

“What do you call a person who is happy on a Monday? Retired.”
– Unknown

Want more funny quotes about life? Then have a look at these funny love quotes, the hilarious quotes about life here and also these funny friendship quotes.

Article created by: Justinas Keturka

While you scroll through an eternity of your Twitter feed, it’s easy to get lost in anything from politics to societal problems, have your temperature soar and your mood drop on a day that otherwise was perfectly if not fine, then okay-ish.

So it’s no secret that on some occasions, we all benefit from more light-hearted content avoiding all the heated discussions on trending threads as if you were playing Minesweeper.

Luckily, there’s a subreddit dedicated to precisely this. Titled “NonPoliticalTwitter,” it celebrates Twitter posts that are politics-free and have some vibes instead. “Come vibe with us,” the page’s description says and 73.8k members have already signed up for it. So what do you get? A hilariously accurate selection of the best tweets for anyone from a weird sense of humor to a more pragmatic attitude towards life.

The ladies of the internet never fail to brighten our day with their brilliant and succinct wit.

Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up their hilarious musings. Scroll through this week’s great tweets, threads and other posts from women, and then visit our “Funniest Tweets From Women” page for past roundups.

Coffee is truly a special thing.

It helps us wake up and once again feel human and (at least a bit) energetic. It’s always providing a good reason to take a break.

And it brings us together at work, in coffee shops and cafes and in our homes.

So in today’s post I’d like to share 101 of the most timeless, beautiful and funny short coffee quotes.

I hope you’ll find something here that makes you laugh and releases a bit of stress, that gives you a boost of energy and simply helps you appreciate this magical beverage a little extra.

Short Funny Coffee Quotes to Start Your Morning with a Laugh

“Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees, and then kindness.”
– Nanea Hoffman

“Wanna hear a joke? Decaf.”
– Unknown

“Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline – the first often tasting like the second.”
– Edward Abbey

“I never laugh until I’ve had my coffee.”
– Clark Gable

“I believe humans get a lot done, not because we’re smart, but because we have thumbs so we can make coffee.”
– Flash Rosenberg

“I judge a restaurant by the bread and by the coffee.”
– Burt Lancaster

“You make good coffee… you’re a slob, but you make good coffee.”
– Cher

“I don’t drink coffee to wake up. I wake up to drink coffee.”
– Unknown

“Coffee is a beverage that puts one to sleep when not drank.”
– Alphonse Allais

“I never drink coffee at lunch. I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon.”
– Ronald Reagan

“The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.”
– Unknown

“Decaf coffee only works if you throw it at people.”
– Unknown

“Way too much coffee. But if it weren’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever.”
– David Letterman

“Without my morning coffee, I’m just like a dried-up piece of goat.”
– J.S. Bach

“It’s strange how drinking cups of water seems impossible, but 8 cups of coffee go down like a chubby kid on a see-saw.”
– Unknown

“Sometimes I go hours without drinking coffee. It’s called sleeping.”
– Unknown

“If it wasn’t for coffee, I’d have no discernible personality at all.”
– David Letterman

“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
– Steven Wright

“Coffee in England is just toasted milk.”
– Christopher Fry

“I’ll quit coffee. It won’t be easy drinking my Bailey’s straight, but I’ll get used to it.”
– Megan Mullally

“Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee and you start to sneeze?”
– Jean Kerr

Timeless and Short Coffee Quotes for Your Instagram and Letter Board

“Black as the devil, hot as hell, pure as an angel, sweet as love.”
– Charles Maurice de Talleyrand

“Coffee, the favorite drink of the civilized world.”
– Thomas Jefferson

“Life’s too short for bad coffee.”
– Gord Downie

“Coffee first. Schemes later.”
– Leanna Renee Hieber

“I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.”
– T.S. Eliot

“Humanity runs on coffee.”
– Unknown

“My birthstone is a coffee bean.”
– Unknown

“As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?”
– Cassandra Clare

“May your coffee kick in before reality does.”
– Unknown

“Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee.”
– Stephanie Piro

“I want someone to look at me the way I look at coffee.”
– Unknown

“Coffee is a language in itself.”
– Jackie Chan

“I like my coffee like I like myself: strong, sweet, and too hot for you.”
– Jac Vanek

“I would rather suffer with coffee than be senseless.”
– Napoleon Bonaparte

“A bad day with coffee is better than a good day without it.”
– Unknown

“No matter what historians claimed, BC really stood for ‘Before Coffee.’”
– Cherise Sinclair

“Love is in the air, and it smells like coffee.”
– Unknown

“May your coffee be strong and your Monday be short.”
– Unknown

“Coffee connects us in so many ways – to each other, to our senses, and to the earth that supports the coffee trees.”
– Rohan Marley

“Coffee is the common man’s gold, and like gold, it brings to every person the feeling of luxury and nobility.”
– Sheik Abd Al Kadir

“But even a bad cup of coffee is better than no coffee at all.”
– David Lynch

Short Coffee Quotes to Help You Have a Positive Day at Work

“We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.”
– Dave Barry

“Given enough coffee I could rule the world.”
– Unknown

“Science may never come up with a better office communication system than the coffee break.”
– Earl Wilson

“The powers of a man’s mind are directly proportional to the quantity of coffee he drinks.”
– Sir James MacKintosh

“Conscience keeps more people awake than coffee.”
– Unknown

“What goes best with a cup of coffee? Another cup.”
– Henry Rollins

“Coffee, because adulting is hard.”
– Unknown

“I believe humans get a lot done, especially in the afternoons, not because of will or motivation but because of the black magic that is coffee.”
– Bob Simmons

“Politics now is rather like going into Starbucks for a coffee.”
– Rory Bremner

“Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.”
– Bill Gates

“I need that first cup of coffee before any meetings, any calls and often before putting a sentence together.”
– Sandra Shea

“A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.”
– Paul Erdos

“Coffee which makes the politician wise, and see through all things with his half-shut eyes.”
– Alexander Pope

“Coffee makes us severe, and grave, and philosophical.”
– Jonathan Swift

“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
– Abraham Lincoln

“Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?”
– Steven Wright

“Compared to Clinton, I feel like a loser. I can’t even get the intern to make me coffee!”
– David Letterman

“I like instant gratification. It’s like instant Coffee, only it won’t keep you up all night.”
– Jarod Kintz

Aesthetic and Inspirational Short Coffee Quotes

“I like my coffee with cream and my literature with optimism.”
– Abigail Reynolds

“Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after.”
– Anne Morrow Lindbergh

“Coffee smells like freshly ground heaven.”
– Jessi Lane Adams

“It’s amazing how the world begins to change through the eyes of a cup of coffee.”
– Donna A. Favors

“Coffee is a way of stealing time which should by rights belong to your older self.”
– Terry Pratchett

“My dream is to have a house on the beach, even just a little shack somewhere so I can wake up, have coffee, look at dolphins, be quiet and breathe the air.”
– Christina Applegate

“There’s nothing sweeter than a cup of bitter coffee.”
– Rian Aditia

“All my days begin the same. A black cup of coffee. A little quiet time just watching the clouds. Then work.”
– Alice Jones

“To me, the smell of fresh-made coffee is one of the greatest inventions.”
– Hugh Jackman

“I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee.”
– Terri Guillemets

“Coffee is the best thing to douse the sunrise with.”
– Terri Guillemets

“He was my cream, and I was his coffee. And when you poured us together, it was something.”
– Josephine Baker

“Coffee is good for talent, but genius wants prayer.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

“A cup of gourmet coffee shared with a friend is happiness tasted and time well spent.”
– Unknown

“We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. Trick is knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out.”
– Unknown

“Once you wake up and smell the coffee, it’s hard to go back to sleep.”
– Fran Drescher

“Adventure in life is good. Consistency in coffee even better.”
– Justina Headley

“I wake up some mornings and sit and have my coffee and look out at my beautiful garden, and I go, ‘Remember how good this is. Because you can lose it.’”
– Jim Carrey

“I think if I were a woman I’d wear coffee as a perfume.”
– John Van Druten

“Three cups of coffee a day keeps the doctor away!”
– Henry Rollins

“No one can understand the truth until he drinks of coffee’s frothy goodness.”
– Sheik Abd-al-Kabir

“What on Earth could be more luxurious than a sofa, a book and a cup of coffee?”
– Anthony Trollope

Short, Witty and Cute Coffee Lover Quotes

“Why, yes, I could start my day without coffee. But I like being able to remember things like how to say words and put on pants.”
– Nanea Hoffman

“I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.”
– Unknown

“Coffee and chocolate – the inventor of mocha should be sainted.”
– Cherise Sinclair

“My coffee machine is the most beautiful person in the world to me.”
– Unknown

“Coffee, the finest organic suspension ever devised.”
– Captain Janeway (from the TV-show Star Trek: Voyager)

“I’d rather take coffee than compliments just now.”
– Louisa May Alcott

“Caffeine and sugar, the two basic food groups.”
– Laurell K. Hamilton

“Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?”
– Albert Camus

“Coffee is a big part of my life.”
– Taylor Swift

“I want someone to look at me the way I look at coffee.”
– Unknown

“If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning.”
– Mae West

“Just coffee. Black – like my soul.”
– Cassandra Clare

“Doctors found traces of blood in my coffee stream.”
– Unknown

“Deja Brew: The feeling that you’ve had this coffee before.”
– Unknown

“I could serve coffee using my rear as a ledge.”
– Jennifer Lopez

“If you are not coffee, chocolate or bacon, I’m going to need you to go away.”
– Unknown

“The road to success is paved in coffee. Buckets of the stuff.”
– Sam Williams

“I can’t imagine a day without coffee. I can’t imagine!”
– Howard Schultz

“To make me happy: Make me coffee, bring me coffee, be coffee… coffee.”
– Unknown

Want more inspiration for your morning? Then have a look at these short good morning quotes, the motivational teamwork quotes in this post and also these positive quotes for a great morning and day.

The ladies of the internet never fail to brighten our day with their brilliant and succinct wit.

Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up their hilarious musings. Scroll through this week’s great tweets, threads and other posts from women, and then visit our “Funniest Tweets From Women” page for past roundups.

The ladies of the internet never fail to brighten our day with their brilliant and succinct wit.

Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up their hilarious musings. Scroll through this week’s great tweets, threads and other posts from women, and then visit our “Funniest Tweets From Women” page for past roundups.

The ladies of the internet never fail to brighten our day with their brilliant and succinct wit.

Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up their hilarious musings. Scroll through this week’s great tweets, threads and other posts from women, and then visit our “Funniest Tweets From Women” page for past roundups.