You’re curled up on the couch you picked out together, but somehow it doesn’t feel quite like yours anymore. Your favorite reading corner has become the place where their gym bag lives, and you can’t remember the last time you spent a Saturday morning alone with your coffee and thoughts. Sound familiar?

If you’re reading this while planning your big move-in or you’ve recently taken that beautiful, terrifying leap into shared living, you might be discovering something no one really prepares you for: learning how to be fully yourself while building a life with someone else. 

Here’s the thing: maintaining your individuality isn’t about loving your partner less. It’s about loving yourself enough to stay whole while you grow together.

According to Gottmans’ research, the strongest relationships are those where partners nurture both the ‘we’ of their relationship and the individuality of each person. Rather than losing themselves in the relationship, they honor each other’s personal goals, interests, and values. This balance between independence and togetherness creates trust, respect, and lasting intimacy.

Understanding Why Your Individuality Matters More Than Ever

When you first move in together, there’s this intoxicating feeling of “we’re building something beautiful.” And you are. But somewhere between choosing paint colors and figuring out whose coffee maker to keep, many people find themselves slowly adjusting, accommodating, and shrinking to fit into this new shared reality.

The truth is, maintaining who you are isn’t just good for you, it’s essential for your relationship’s health. Think about what drew your partner to you in the first place. Was it your passion for photography? The way you light up talking about your book club? Your Tuesday yoga ritual that centers your entire week? Those aren’t obstacles to overcome in your shared life, they’re treasures to protect and nurture.

Here’s what happens when we lose touch with our individual selves: we become anxious, resentful, or that dreaded word: codependent. We start looking to our partner to fill needs that only we can meet for ourselves. The relationship becomes heavy with expectations it was never meant to carry.

But when you maintain your sense of self? You show up as the vibrant, interesting, growing person your partner fell in love with. You bring new energy, stories, and perspectives back to your shared space. You model what it looks like to be a whole person in love, rather than half a person looking for completion.

The Challenges You’re Actually Facing (And Why They’re Normal)

Let’s be honest about what you’re up against. Moving in together creates a perfect storm of identity challenges that no one talks about at your housewarming party.

The Boundary Blur: Suddenly, everything feels shared. Your mornings, your evenings, your refrigerator space, even your thoughts. Without conscious effort, personal boundaries can dissolve faster than sugar in coffee. You might find yourself asking permission for things you used to just do, or feeling guilty about wanting time alone.

The Suffocation Spiral: Even in the most loving relationships, constant togetherness can feel overwhelming. You might love your partner deeply and still sometimes feel like you can’t breathe in your own space. This isn’t a sign that anything’s wrong with your relationship—it’s a sign that you’re human.

The Communication Freeze: Many people struggle to voice their needs for space or individuality because it feels selfish or like it might hurt their partner’s feelings. So instead of speaking up, they withdraw quietly, building internal resentment that eventually erupts in arguments about dishes or whose turn it is to take out the trash.

What You Can Do Starting This Week

Creating Physical and Emotional Boundaries That Honor You Both

The first step isn’t dramatic, it’s creating small, sacred spaces that belong just to you. This doesn’t require a bigger apartment or a major renovation. It requires intention.

Tonight, try this: Identify one space in your home that can be primarily yours. Maybe it’s a corner of the bedroom with your reading chair, maybe it’s the kitchen table on Sunday mornings, or maybe it’s the bathroom during your evening skincare routine. Communicate this gently to your partner: “I’m going to make this corner my little retreat space so I can read and recharge.”

Notice the language there? It’s not “you can’t sit here” or “this is off-limits.” It’s “this helps me recharge so I can show up better for us.” Frame your needs in terms of what they give back to the relationship, because they do.

Protecting Your Solo Time Like the Precious Resource It Is

Your alone time isn’t selfish, it’s essential maintenance for your mental and emotional health. But here’s what many couples get wrong: they wait until they’re desperate for space and then it becomes an emergency conversation instead of a loving routine.

Starting this week: Schedule your alone time like you would any other important appointment. Maybe it’s an hour every evening, maybe it’s Saturday mornings, maybe it’s one weeknight where you each do your own thing. The key is making it routine rather than reactive.

Nurturing the Interests That Make You You

Remember that photography class you loved? The hiking group that energized you? The volunteer work that gave you purpose? These aren’t hobbies to abandon for couple time, they’re parts of yourself to cultivate and protect.

This month: Identify one interest or activity that you’ve let slide since moving in together. Make a plan to reintegrate it into your life. Your relationship will benefit from having a more fulfilled, interesting you in it.

How to Talk About What You Need

The conversation about personal space and individual needs doesn’t have to be a minefield. It’s all about framing and timing.

Instead of: “You’re being clingy” (which creates defensiveness)
Try: “I love spending time with you, and I also need some solo time to feel balanced. Can we figure out a rhythm that works for both of us?”

The goal isn’t to create distance—it’s to create sustainable closeness. When you frame your needs in terms of what they bring to the relationship, your partner is much more likely to support them.

Finding the Sweet Spot Between Together and Apart

The strongest couples don’t spend every moment together. They create intentional rhythms of connection and independence that honor both their togetherness and their individual growth.

Supporting Each Other’s Goals: True partnership means celebrating and supporting each other’s individual dreams, not just your shared ones. When your partner sees you pursuing your goals, it doesn’t threaten your relationship—it deepens their respect and attraction for you.

Creating Dual Rituals: Build both couple rituals (Sunday morning coffee together) and individual rituals (your Thursday evening bath with a book). Both are sacred. Both strengthen your relationship in different ways.

Privacy as a Gift, Not a Threat: You don’t have to share every thought, every friendship conversation, or every moment of your day to be close. Privacy allows you to maintain other important relationships and to have experiences that you can choose to share, or not.

The Truth About Different Living Situations

Whether you’re in a romantic partnership, sharing space with friends, or navigating a roommate situation, the principles remain the same: clear communication, respect for boundaries, and the understanding that everyone needs space to be themselves.

In romantic relationships, the challenge often comes from the belief that love means wanting to spend every moment together. But mature love recognizes that two whole people create a stronger bond than two people trying to complete each other.

What This Isn’t About

Let’s clear up some misconceptions that might be holding you back from advocating for your needs:

Maintaining individuality isn’t about building walls. It’s about maintaining healthy boundaries that allow both people to thrive. You’re not creating distance; you’re creating the space needed for sustainable closeness.

Wanting alone time isn’t selfish. It’s self-aware. You’re taking responsibility for your own emotional well-being instead of expecting your partner to meet all your needs. That’s actually a gift to your relationship.

Individual interests aren’t a threat to your partnership. They’re what keep you interesting! The goal isn’t to merge into one person; it’s to remain two fascinating people who choose to build a life together.

Your Path Forward

Moving in together is one of the most beautiful expressions of commitment two people can make. You’re saying, “I want to weave my daily life with yours.” But that doesn’t mean you stop being yourself. It means you bring your full, authentic self to this shared adventure.

Every relationship has seasons, including seasons where you need more space and seasons where you crave more closeness. What matters is that you feel free to communicate these needs without fear, and that your partner responds with curiosity rather than defensiveness.

The goal isn’t to live parallel lives under one roof, it’s to create an environment where both of you can flourish individually while building something beautiful together. You can love someone completely and still need time alone. You can be deeply committed and still pursue your own interests. You can share a space and still have a corner that belongs just to you.

When you’re ready, start with one small step this week. Maybe it’s reclaiming that morning routine that centers you. Maybe it’s scheduling a solo coffee date with yourself. Maybe it’s simply having an honest conversation about what you both need to feel like yourselves in your shared space.

Small steps create lasting change. And every boundary you communicate lovingly is actually an investment in the longevity and health of your relationship.

Remember: if conversations about space and individuality consistently create conflict, consider talking with a couples therapist who can help you navigate both partners’ needs with compassion and understanding. Learning to be individuals together is a skill worth investing in.

Updated August 2022

Guys: Big news! I just published my first children’s book entitled The Only Me, about a set of 7-year-old fraternal twins named Stella and Paige — and Stella’s quest to be seen as her own person. (You can see me talking about the book here.)

Stella and Paige are very different, yet are always being compared and contrasted by almost everyone around them. This impacts Stella greatly; she begins to feel frustrated and insecure – like she doesn’t measure up to her sister, Paige. Yes, they are twins, but they are not the same person. 

Stella wishes people would see her for who she is, and not just as “Stella and Paige,” or as “one of the twins.” The Only Me follows Stella along her journey as she begins to recognize her own amazing strengths, and despite what others may say, learns to embrace and value herself as the unique individual she is. 

As parents (of multiples, but perhaps of singletons, too!), I’m sure many of you can appreciate the message in this book – and I’m also sure you can relate to why I was inspired to write it: 

From the time my now 6-year-old fraternal twins were born, people often referred to them as “the twins” rather than by their individual names – as if they weren’t whole without the other. Soon, being “the twins,” as opposed to Mila and Grace, became their entire identity. This, compounded by people constantly comparing them to one another (both physically and mentally), led them to feel frustrated, unseen, confused about their own identity, and inferior to one another. 

The Only Me started out as a book just about twins – in fact, it was originally titled The Twins Who Were Different – but in an article I wrote last year for Lucie’s List about the importance of treating siblings like their own people, I realized the message of the book (embracing differences; honoring our strengths; loving and being proud of ourselves for who we are) applied to all children, not just multiples.

While researching that article, I learned that, even though they tend to look alike and share similar cognitive abilities, siblings actually aren’t much more similar than any two strangers in the world. Whhhaaa?! That blew my mind and gave me even more of an incentive to write the book. I also learned that when we treat our kids like individuals, we show them how much we honor and respect them for exactly who they are. In turn, this helps boost their self-confidence and sense of identity. 

I mean, wow, right?! What an incredible opportunity and responsibility we have as caregivers — to help grow and shape our children’s sense of value and self-esteem! 

The Only Me is a reminder to all of us that treating each of our children as the unique people they are, and praising their individual pursuits and personalities, goes a long way in helping them feel respected, loved and secure. And again, although this book is meant for everyone, I wrote it with twins in mind  – whether fraternal or identical – who, naturally, are often lumped together and viewed as one unit, as mine often are. 

I hope you’ll read the book with your children and let me know if and how it resonates. I’d also love for you to share with me some of the ways in which your multiples are similar and different. And, with your permission, I’d love to share your experiences in an upcoming article about the topic. Feel free to email me at [email protected]. 

Thanks so much, everyone! Cheers to you and your multiples. 

xo,
Marissa 

Let go of other people’s opinions today, and operate with your own intuition and wisdom as your guide.

Your life is yours alone. Others can try to persuade you, but they can’t decide for you. They can walk with you, but not in your shoes. So make sure the path you decide to walk aligns with your intuition and values. And don’t be scared to pave your own path when you know it’s the right thing to do.

Will the people in your life always support your decisions? No, they likely won’t. But you need to remember that life is not about justifying yourself — it’s about respecting yourself.

So make this your lifelong motto: “I respectfully do not care.” Say it to anyone who passes unfair judgment on something you strongly believe in or something that makes you who you are. People will inevitable judge you at some point anyway, and that’s OK. You affected their life; don’t let them affect yours.

And when you need a quick reminder or a dose of encouragement, refer to this quick reference list of life choices you shouldn’t have to justify to anyone else:

1. Choosing to put yourself first.

During a television interview back when she was the First Lady, Michelle Obama was asked if she thought it was at all selfish that she openly admits to making herself her first priority. The First Lady smiled and replied, “No, not at all. It’s practical… a lot of times we just slip pretty low on our own priority list because we’re so busy caring for everyone else. And one of the things that I want to model for my children is investing in themselves as much as they invest in others.” Like her or not, that’s spot on advice if you ask me! There are only a few people in this world who will stay 100% true to you, and YOU should be one of them. Prioritize your own needs into your daily to-do’s.

2. Choosing to embrace what you feel.

There’s no reason to apologize for being sensitive or emotional. You don’t have to be ashamed of feeling something or expressing it if it’s real to you. Showing your emotions is characteristic of a truly alive and compassionate human being, and yet it’s too often perceived as a sign of being weak or broken. Truly, it’s not the emotionally sensitive person who is broken, it’s society’s understanding that is oftentimes dysfunctional and emotionally incapacitated.

Bottom line: There is zero shame in expressing your authentic feelings. Those who are at times described as being “too emotional” or “complicated” are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more thoughtful, caring, humane world. Let your feelings, smiles, and tears shine a light in this world!

3. Choosing to be unapologetically YOU.

We are never more alive than when we are being brave, and we can’t be brave unless we are willing to take off our masks and be ourselves. It’s about finding the courage to be imperfectly yourself. When perfectionism of any kind is driving us, shame is always riding shotgun and fear is the backseat driver. Don’t do this to yourself. Let go of that subconscious pull to be “perfect” in the eyes of others, and just be exactly who you are today. No apologies required.

4. Choosing to own your weirdness.

We are all weird in some way. What sets you apart may seem like a burden, but it’s not — most of the time it’s what makes you so incredible. So where’s your will to be weird? Where’s your resolution to be real? Celebrate your individuality and do not be embarrassed of it. If you’re lucky enough to have something that makes you different from everybody else, don’t be ashamed and don’t hide it. Own it! (Read “The Gifts of Imperfection”.)

5. Choosing to let go and not take things personally.

You may not be able control all the rude things people say and do, but you can decide not to be controlled by them. Make that decision for yourself. There is great freedom in leaving others to their opinions. And there is a huge weight lifted when you take things less personally.

Of course, some people may tell you it’s best to stand up tall for yourself and fight back hard, but the best offense is usually a good defense. Defend yourself from others by not putting yourself at the center of their inner conflicts. Truth be told, if you take everything personally, you will remain offended for the rest of your life. What other people do is mostly because of them, not you.

6. Choosing to forgive others.

Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace. Free yourself of the burden of being an eternal victim. For the most part, grudges are for those who insist that they are owed something. Forgiveness on the other hand is for those who are wise enough to focus on what they can control in the present. In order to move forward, you must know why you felt the way you did, and why you no longer need to feel that way. It’s about accepting the past, setting healthy boundaries, and lifting your spirit with positive steps forward.

7. Choosing to spend more time with the people you love.

Although it’s perhaps conceivable that you may lie on your deathbed someday regretting that you didn’t work harder and check every little thing off your to-do list, it’s doubtful that your work and to-dos will be your biggest concerns. What’s more likely, however, is that you will wish you could have one more romantic night with your spouse, another long, heartfelt talk with your sister or brother, and one last laugh with your best friend. The bottom line is that life is too short to be too busy for the people you love.

8. Choosing to go at your own pace.

You are not behind. You are exactly where you need to be. Every step is necessary. Don’t judge or berate yourself for how long your journey is taking. We all need our own time to travel our own distance. In fact, two of the most amazing couples I know didn’t meet each other until they were in their late 30’s. One of these couples just had their first child in their early 40’s. The lesson here is simple: Great things in life don’t happen when society tells you they’re supposed to happen — they happen when the time and conditions are right. So remember, you don’t have to make excuses about why you aren’t married right now, or working a traditional 8-5 job, or making a certain amount of money, etc. Our lives are not all meant to be scripted the same exact way.

9. Choosing to fail forward.

In those moments when you find yourself standing face to face with an issue you battled before — one bearing a lesson you were sure you’d already learned — remember, repetition is not failure. Ask the waves, ask the leaves, ask the wind. Repetition is required to evolve and grow. And repetition allows you to fail forward. We learn the right way on the way.

Truly, failures are opportunities to begin again smarter than before. If you’ve heard differently, forget what others have told you. Fail often, fail fast, clean it up, learn from it, move on, and then repeat. Just because things didn’t work out for you today, doesn’t mean there’s not something big in store for you tomorrow. Rest easy and get ready. Don’t waste your energy justifying your next step to the naysayers.

10. Choosing to forgive yourself.

I don’t entirely approve of some of the things I’ve done in my life, but I am who I am. And I would not be me if I hadn’t learned along the way. The same is true for you. Don’t be ashamed of who you had to be to get to where you are today. Forgive yourself for those times when you lacked clarity, for those foolish decisions you made that caused needless stress. Forgive yourself for being human, young, and reckless. Your journey has many vital lessons. And what matters most now is your willingness to grow from them.

11. Choosing to dress comfortably (and owning it).

Marc and I have helped hundreds of coaching clients overcome self-esteem issues, and physical appearance almost always has something to do with it. As a client we coached this morning put it, “Whenever I leave the house looking anything less than airbrushed and fashionable and then run into someone I know, I tend to feel the need to apologize for not looking a certain way.” That’s ludicrous! You don’t have to apologize to anyone for not looking a certain way. You might want to apologize to yourself though, if you felt like you had to in the first place.

12. Choosing healthy eating habits.

Too often our culture associates healthy eating habits with fad diets and weight loss marketing schemes. But there’s also something called healthy eating as a means to actual good health, not weight loss, not some crazy diet or anything else. Why do we sometimes need to stand up for ourselves when we choose to eat healthy? Because for some reason some people tend to be skeptical that a person would actually just want to treat their body right and not be perpetually concerned with their shape and size. Eat healthy because it’s good for your health. Ignore the critics!

13. Choosing to work hard on your dreams.

When people try to inspire you, they’ll often tell you all kinds of well-meaning and heartfelt things like: “Follow your dreams. Listen to your heart. Find your inner voice and let it sing. In fact, dream and don’t stop dreaming until all of your dreams come true.” And while all of this is fine and dandy, the big problem is a lot of people dream and dream… and that’s all they do. Don’t be one of them!

It’s always easier said than done, yet you need to do some hard things to be happy in life. Because the hard things ultimately build you up and move you forward. They make the difference between existing and living, between knowing the path and walking it, between a lifetime of empty dreams and a life filled with gratitude for how far you’ve come.

14. Choosing to be positive through your challenges.

Positivity does not mean ignoring the negativity around you, it means overcoming the negativity within you. There is a big difference between the two. The peace, happiness, and effectiveness of your life greatly depends on the quality of your thoughts.

Of course not every day will be good, but there will be something good about every day. Do your best to notice it. None of us know the exact paths we will travel or the trials that will come our way. The secret is to find some goodness on the daily journey. Making the best of each step you take is the smartest choice. Your positivity will gradually help you realize that many of the inconvenient things that happen in your life are on the same path to the best possible things that could ever happen to you. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

15. Choosing to give yourself hope.

They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for. I couldn’t agree more. We all do a lot of talking about the importance of the first two, but don’t forget to nurture your hope too. And remember, hope isn’t the belief that life will always give you what you want; it’s the belief that life will gradually reveal what’s right for you.

16. Choosing to feel completely justified already (without anyone else’s approval).

Remember, you don’t need a standing ovation or a bestseller or a promotion or a million bucks. You are enough right now. You have nothing to justify. Care less about who you are to others and more about who you are to yourself. You will have fewer heartaches and disappointments the minute you stop seeking from others the justification only YOU can give yourself.

Bottom line: Constantly trying to justify yourself to everyone else forces you to miss out on the beauty of simply being yourself, with your own unique ideas, desires, and life experiences. If you are led through life only doing and being what you’ve come to believe is expected of you, then, in a way, you cease to live… you merely exist.

Do more than exist!

We all exist.

The question is: Do you live?

Now it’s your turn…

Yes, it’s your turn to get out there and live today! (No justifications needed.)

But before you go we would love to hear from YOU.

Which point above resonates with you the most?

Please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive two new articles like this in your inbox each week.

‘You need to set better boundaries.’

I’m sure you’ve had someone tell you this before at least once in your life.

If you’re stressed out at work — you need better boundaries. If you’re feeling smothered by a romantic partner — you need better boundaries. If your father-in-law keeps showing up to your house unannounced — you need better boundaries. 

What ‘Boundaries’ Really Means

Often, when people tell you to set boundaries, they mean you should say no. It is assumed that saying no means you’ll have more space to be less stressed, less smothered and have fewer unannounced visits from your father-in-law. But setting good boundaries is more than just saying no. It’s about relationships where you feel respected and connected.

Boundaries are created by two elements — individuality and belonging. A boundary defines the space between who I am (individuality) and who we are (belonging). In relationships with healthy boundaries, being an individual isn’t seen as a threat to the relationship. If you want to have some alone time, hang out with other people, or pursue you own goals, you aren’t made to feel guilty. In relationships with healthy boundaries, you make time to spend time together to do things that maybe you don’t love doing, but your partner does, so you join in. 

Creating Healthy Boundaries

In relationships with healthy boundaries, the amount of individuality and belonging is flexible and changes over time. When a partner or family member is ill, a healthy relationship can adapt by decreasing individuality and increasing the time spent together. When a partner is stressed about a job, a healthy relationship can provide more space for that person to get work done. The key is that when the sick person gets better, or when there is less work, these relationships will then change again.

If you want healthy boundaries in relationships, you need to learn to say no, but you also need to say yes. When boundaries become blurred and unhealthy, it is not because a person is bad at saying no. It’s because the relationship doesn’t respect the nos and the yeses. In relationships with healthy boundaries, two people can listen to what each other need, understand the context and be clear about whether the situation is a no or a yes.

The Importance of Communication

If you have a father-in-law that keeps showing up unannounced, there is probably a reason. Maybe he feels lonely. Maybe he is worried about you. Or maybe he thinks that what he is doing is supportive. To make this relationship better suited to your needs, you should not only communicate what you need but hear what your father-in-law needs. Then you both can decide when coming over is a no and when it’s a yes. 

If you say what you need and are clear about your yeses and nos and that person still doesn’t change their behavior, then different action is needed. When boundaries aren’t respected, the nature of the relationship needs to change.

If work won’t respect your no, it may be time to find a new job. If your partner won’t give you the space you need, it may be time to break up. If you father-in-law keeps showing up unannounced, it may be time to move farther away.

To continue reading the full blog post click here.