What Is Love?

Love is a feeling that can be expressed in many different ways. It can be communicated through words, actions and behaviors. It is a deep feeling of affection and caring for another person. It is a necessary part of relationships, but in and of itself not enough to sustain relationships through the trials and tribulations of life. 

Expression of Love

There has been a lot of focus on love and its expression. People show love by being affectionate, doing nice things for one another, showing their partner care, and telling them how much they mean to them. 

People receive love in different ways as well. Some people love to receive compliments and affection. Others prefer when their partner cooks dinner and does the dishes for them. Because there is so much variation in how people express and receive love, there can be a disconnect in relationships. What if one partner feels loved when their partner plans a getaway weekend for them, while the other expresses love by doing the laundry and baking a cake? 

Reasons for Differences

Like with most relationship issues, the reason for differences usually predate the relationship, originating from childhood. Here are some common reasons:

• How you were raised
• The way your parents showed you love
• How your parents expressed love to one another 
• Relationships with your friends 
• What you experienced in past relationships
• Your individual personality. 

Love Mismatch 

When there is a difference between how your partner expresses love and how you like to receive love, there is a mismatch. This type of mismatch can lead to misunderstandings and conflict. One partner might feel unappreciated and the other may feel misunderstood. Let’s say your husband goes out and buys an expensive necklace with your birthstone for your birthday. But you don’t wear a lot of jewelry and you are stressed about finances. When you receive it, you immediately think, I won’t wear this. What he spent on the necklace could have paid off the credit card bill. Your husband sees your face and feels badly. He might think I can never make her happy! Or she doesn’t appreciate the effort I make.

So this is where the difference between love and emotional connection comes into play. 

Emotional Connection

Emotional connection is a deep bond between two people based on trust, commitment and a strong friendship. It is an intimacy that goes beyond love where your partner’s wellbeing is not just important to you but a part of how you think and what you consider as you move through your daily life.

What Does Emotional Connection Look Like?

• It begins with understanding your partner’s current world.
• What are they worried about?
• Who are their close friends?
• What are they looking forward to?
• How is their work?

So let’s go back to the scenario of the necklace for your birthday. If your husband had known that you were currently worried about money, he might have taken that into consideration when buying your birthday gift. If he paid attention to the fact that you wanted a day off from cooking and planning, he might have made the dinner plans. He can still give you a piece of jewelry so that he feels like he is expressing his love, but it could have been something less expensive and more meaningful.

This way you would both feel like you were giving and receiving love,  and that it was appreciated by one another. You can see how this one small example can have different variations throughout your daily life, resulting in hurt feelings, misunderstandings and eventually resentment. This is not from an absence of love but rather a lack of understanding that comes from a true emotional connection.

Open-Ended Questions

One of the strongest predictors of lasting intimacy is how well partners stay connected in each other’s inner worlds. Keeping your partner in your mind’s awareness — even when you’re apart — is fundamental to emotional connection. You are moving through life together, not living parallel lives.

You do this by asking questions to more deeply understand them on a daily basis. Ask questions that invite your partner to open up, rather than ones that only allow for a one word response. It might look like ‘Tell me about the most stressful part of your day today” vs “How was your day?” Actively inviting your partner to share their experience, thoughts and feelings with you builds connection and trust. 

Showing Appreciation

Noticing the positive things your partner does AND sharing your appreciation with them is an important part of a healthy happy relationship. It is easy to fall into a negative state of mind where you only notice the things your partner doesn’t do. That is a natural part of how the brain functions – the negativity bias. However, if you look for the positive in your environment, you will find it. When you regularly share appreciation and kindness towards your partner, you are creating a positive dynamic and feedback loop which leads to more and more positivity between the two of you.

Bids

Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that how couples handle ‘bids for connection’ is what can make or break a relationship. In fact he calls them ‘the fundamental unit of emotional communication.’ Bids for connection are those often subtle attempts to get attention from your partner. They can be verbal, nonverbal and/or a simple gesture. It is an expression of a desire to connect with your partner without actually saying “I want to connect. Pay attention to me!” 3 year olds are great at doing this with their parents, but as we get older it becomes more difficult to put ourselves in that position of vulnerability.

What Do Bids Look Like?

Bids may be thoughts, feelings, observations, opinions, or invitations. Easily recognizable verbal bids may sound like this:

• Do you want to grab a cup of coffee with me?

• Could you ask your friends if they know a good auto mechanic?

• The neighbor’s house just went up for sale.

• Did you see that news story about…?

 

According to Dr. Gottman, nonverbal bids include:

• Affectionate touching, such as a fun handshake, a pat, a squeeze, a kiss, a hug, or a back or shoulder rub.

• Facial expressions, such as a smile, blowing a kiss, making a silly face, or sticking out your tongue.

• Playful touching, such as tickling, bopping, wrestling, dancing, or a gentle bump or shove.

• Affiliating gestures, such as opening a door, offering a place to sit, handing over a utensil, or pointing to a shared activity or interest.

• Vocalizing, such as laughing, chuckling, grunting, sighing, or groaning in a way that invites interaction or interest.

How Do You Respond to a Bid?

There are three ways you can respond to a bid:

1. Turning towards (acknowledging and engaging with the bid)
2. Turning away (ignoring or missing the bid)
3. Turning against (rejecting the bid through argument or hostility)

Gottman found a critical difference in how happy and unhappy couples respond to bids for connection. Happy couples turned towards each other 86% of the time. Unhappy couples turned towards each other only 33% of the time.

In fact, happy couples bid all the time. Gottman found that at the dinner table, happy couples might bid as many as one hundred times in a ten-minute period! It comes down to simply paying attention to one another and valuing and feeling valued by your partner. 

The Role of Love

Falling in love with someone feels good…really good. There is an initial phase of love where hormones and neurotransmitters (including dopamine- the ‘feel good’ hormone) are released. This can cause a feeling of euphoria, intoxication….a high. This phase can last for several weeks to a couple of years at which point you will learn that while love is important, without emotional connection the relationship will likely not survive. 

Even when love is present, frequent misunderstandings or hurt feelings can create distance. Often, this stems from differing ways of expressing love. When you center your attention on building emotional connection, you begin to bridge those differences and strengthen your bond.

When you have an emotional connection, you can argue without feeling like your relationship might end. You can fight and still know that your partner loves and respects you. Emotional connection allows you to move through the inevitable challenges that will arise in your relationship and in life. You have a sense of ‘we-ness’ vs ‘me-ness’ and know that regardless of what is happening around you, you have each other’s backs. This is the difference between love and emotional connection.

Recipe for Success

Research shows that doing the following will create an emotional loving connection:

1. Know your partner’s world and hold space for it in your head and heart
2. Ask your partner questions, inviting them to share and be vulnerable with you
3. Notice the positive in your partner and let them know 
4. Turn towards your partner when they make a bid for connection
5. Make and respond to lots and lots of bids

 

Life is full of external stress and pressures, unknowns and challenges. In between there are lots of moments. It is what you do in these moments that will allow you to get through the hard times with your partner. When you use these moments to connect and show your partner care, you are drastically increasing your chances of having a happy, healthy relationship. Unfortunately simply loving someone doesn’t fortify your relationship in the same way.  Without the practices and moments of connection, love might exist but partners can drift apart emotionally. Love becomes an idea or an abstract, but not a shared and lived experience. So make the most of those small moments, do the little things that make a big difference to keep your love alive and have a successful relationship. 

During this warm-fuzzy phase, they explain, you may find yourself craving nurturing and comfort. As such, they recommend staying in rather than booking every spare moment with social activities. “Private, relaxed moments allow you to connect to friends, lovers, or your S.O. in the intimate style that Cancer prefers,” they add.

It’s tough to get dating advice from guys because they don’t spend half as much time talking about the dating game as women do.  Here we are sharing the 7 most important needs the majority of men want from an intimate relationship.

Don’t worry if you’re lacking in a few categories, talk to any guy and he will tell you that a serious relationship isn’t about ‘checking boxes’.

1. Lust for life: Although this sounds like a cliché it’s really important that you are as happy and as satisfied with life as he is. That said, a man wants to contribute to a woman’s happiness but he doesn’t want to be the sole reason she’s happy.

2. Together we’re better: Men want to be with someone who has their back and helps them achieve their life goals, be it climbing Mount Everest or winning the next Master Chef.

3. Between the sheets: Men want to be with a woman who finds pleasure in physical intimacy and is secure enough in her sexuality that she can share with him what turns her on. Guys aren’t mind-readers so it’s important to communicate your desires.

 4. Don’t take life too seriously: A relationship without laughter and levity isn’t much of a relationship at all. It’s great that you’ve got your goals and that you are ambitious but remember that we all just want to have fun so don’t take life too seriously and try to laugh at your mistakes.

 5. Appreciation:  Independence is sexy so don’t become a damsel in distress just because you think that’s what a guy’s ego needs. However, he needs to know he makes your life better by being there for you and doing things for you. This is why paying him compliments and showing appreciation for his effort goes a long way. Think positive reinforcement!

 6. Balance: Sometimes men don’t get the nuances of women’s emotions but most of them are open to learning. It’s important to give them context and tell them what you need because, again, they’re not mind-readers.

7. Meaningful conversations: Don’t dumb yourself down just to boost his ego. If he’s into you he’s going to want to have deep and meaningful conversations, and really understand the person he loves so not hiding your smarts is a good thing.

You don’t need to have all of these qualities to be a total catch but we want you to remember that when a guy commits to a woman he is saying Yes to her as well as saying No to all the other women he could be dating. Even if a guy isn’t a player he will still think about the loss of ‘playing the field’ opportunities in those terms. By bringing a lot to the table (or bringing the table, full stop!) he’ll forget about everyone else because the only opportunity he wants is to maximise is you.

Read more about how single men approach love on the Good Men Project website.

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TLC is ready to talk about sex with a group of virgins.

In the network’s latest original series — appropriately titled Virgins — four adults who have yet to experience sexual intercourse in their 30s and 40s are ready to navigate love, intimacy and self-discovery.

“My sisters actually found this show for me, and they are a big part of my life,” cast member Alex Stunz exclusively shared with Us Weekly. “They wanted me to get into a relationship. … I was like, ‘You know what? I trust you, so let’s give it a go.’ Here we are.”

Every Monday on TLC, viewers watch Alex step outside of his comfort zone and take big steps to finally go all the way — emotionally and physically.

For Rhasha Newkirk, she decided to join the show after experiencing a sexless marriage that ended in divorce.

“I was searching for help, something to get me feeling better about myself,” she told Us, “and they responded.”

As the cast continues to embrace vulnerability in hopes of obtaining confidence, connection and self-love, Rhasha, 42, and Alex, 34, are answering our burning questions about their love lives.

Keep reading to learn more and make sure to watch Virgins on TLC Mondays at 9 p.m. ET.

Why Are Alex and Rhasha Still Virgins?

As explained on Virgins, every participant has their reasons as to why they haven’t had sex just yet.

“I’m one of 10 and I have a different outlook on relationships and life compared to other guys,” Alex said. “I want to make sure that the girl that I’m with has the same respect and care that I want my cousins to deal with or my sisters to deal with.”

Alex said he never liked one-night stands and preferred to develop an emotional relationship before things got physical. “Connect with me,” he explained. “Give me some emotion.”

As for Rhasha, her conservative childhood made her not rush into sexual relationships.

“I think my daddy set the standard,” she said before explaining how past romances affected her. “The most difficult thing for me is feeling like I’m enough. Going from my past marriage, that was a challenge for me. I’m still working on that, but I know my worth, and I know that I am enough.”

What Do Alex and Rhasha’s DMs Look Like Since the Show Started Airing? 

While some reality stars experience an influx of strangers trying to grab their attention on social media, both Rhasha and Alex said they haven’t experienced anything too crazy.

“My DMs — surprise — are still dry,” Rhasha said.

Alex added, “I do have DMs from some women, and then some men congratulated me and asked for advice because they might be in the same boat. But I’ve gotten some DMs from some women. It’s crazy.”

Is There Pressure to Take the Next Steps After the Show?

Since participating in the show, Alex admits that dating can be a “little tough.” At the same time, he’s proud to put himself out there and explore relationships.

“There’s so many things that go through your mind, and like I said in the show, I’m an overthinker,” Alex said. “I don’t want to overthink it, but it just happens.”

Rhasha added, “Oh, my goodness. I feel the same way. It is something that happened and I feel good about it, and I’m going to take it day by day and we’ll see.”

What Are the Biggest Misconceptions About Being a Virgin?

From Alex’s perspective, there doesn’t need to be a timetable for when people begin to experience intimacy.

“You don’t need to rush it. Take your time,” he told Us. “There’s no rule that says you have to lose [your virginity] in high school. There’s no rule that says you have to lose [it] in college. It’s when you are ready. Don’t get peer pressured by your friends at a young age.”

What Do Alex and Rhasha Want in Their Next Relationships? 

“My non-negotiables are I don’t want somebody who does not prioritize the relationship,” Rhasha declared to Us. “I don’t want someone who does not see me as a queen.”

Alex added, “I’m a social person. I’m goofy. Joke around with me, have fun with me. When it’s time to be serious, cool.”