Recently, I was looking back on the previous month’s output on Autostraddle as we always do, taking a look at patterns, data, what readers did and did not respond to, etc. And when looking at some of the numbers for my own work, I saw something strange. The 15th most popular post written by me for the month of July was not, in fact, something I wrote IN July but rather my list of couples costume ideas for lesbians. Lesbians and queer people, it seems, were getting a proper good head start on planning their couples costumes for gay Christmas aka Halloween.

Now, this is delightful and relatable! My wife and I have an official household policy of knowing what we’re doing for Halloween in August. July is even more impressive in terms of Halloween forethought! But some costumes really do require more planning than others, especially if you’re going to DIY them. Take my coworker Motti’s couples costume with his girlfriend last year — the viral Chappell Roan x Passenger Seat costumes — for example.

But the fact that the queer masses are already Googling what to be for Halloween is also stressful, because fam! I have not updated that list yet! It has some evergreen suggestions, sure, like Morticia and Gomez, a couples costume option for femme/butch couples I don’t ever see going out of fashion. But it’s also full of 2024-specific costume ideas and options that otherwise feel dated. Should I update this list sooner rather than later?! Are we really already planning couples costumes?! DO YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO BE?

Admittedly, my wife and I indeed had our costume ideas locked in by July this year, owing mainly due to my wife getting tipsy on a plane and then popping on the feature film Jaws as well as to my enduring obsession with Jaws that has recently blossomed into an obsession with shark movies in general. So in case you’re wondering: We are being Quint and Jaws. It’s unclear both how we’re going to execute these costume visions (I mean, my wife already kind of dresses like Quint, that part will be easy) and where we are going to wear them to, as we’ll be in a car and on an airplane for most of actual Halloween.

But who would we be if we didn’t already have an elaborate couples costume plan despite not having actual Halloween plans?! A STRAIGHT couple????? (Who knows, maybe straight couples plan their Halloween costumes together early, too, but in the first month of Q3?????? I doubt it.)

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HAVE! YOU! WATCHED! THE HUNTING WIVES! YET!!!! I told you I was going to continue to ask this question. Well lo and behold, it was only a matter of time before I whipped up a Which Character From The Hunting Wives Are You? quiz. We have some unhinged questions to go with this endeavor, naturally. And listen, you’re not going to like who you get, okay? There’s no “good” result here. Everyone on this show is bad! Many are cops or Republicans! Take this quiz at your own risk!!!!

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It’s summertime, and we’re hot hot hot. I intend to eat as many creamsicles and creamsicle-adjacent treats as possible for the foreseeable future. The temperatures are sweltering, my body is sweating, and in the interest of cooling us all down mentally, I’ve prepared this nostalgic lesbian ice cream truck quiz for your enjoyment. Which lesbian ice cream truck treat ARE you! Time to find out!

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