We don’t realize how often we hold ourselves back by holding on to everything.

Letting go is not giving up. Letting go is surrendering any needless attachments to particular outcomes and situations. Surrender means showing up in your life with the intention to be your best, and to do the best you know how, without expecting life to be ideal. Have goals, have dreams, take purposeful action, and build solid relationships, but detach from what life must look like every step of the way.

The energy of someone aspiring to create something wonderful today, teamed with a healthy balance of surrender, is far more effective than someone determined to create outcomes with a desperate must-have mentality. Surrender brings inner calmness, awareness, and understanding. And lest we forget that our outer lives are a reflection of our inner state of being.

Thus, take a moment to remind yourself of some heavy things most of us attach to long after it’s time to let go, so you can loosen your grip on them as you move forward…

1. The expectation of how things “should” be.

Try to use frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you today. You are in control of the way you look at life. Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remember that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance. A small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, while the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. Where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt.

2. The way things once were.

You’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or even a week ago. You’re always learning and growing, and life is always evolving. Even though you can’t control everything that happens, you can control your attitude about what happens. And in doing so, you will gradually master change rather than allowing it to master you. So be humble today. Be teachable. The world is bigger than your view of the world. There’s always room for a fresh idea or a next step. But first you must accept the fact that things may never go back to how they used to be, and that this ending is really a new beginning.

3. Old mistakes and errors in judgment.

Forgive yourself for the bad decisions you’ve made in the past, for the times you lacked understanding, for the choices that accidentally hurt others and yourself. Forgive yourself, for being young and reckless. These are all vital lessons. And what matters most right now is your willingness to grow from them.

4. The need to control everything.

Be selective with your energy today. If you can fix a problem, fix it. If you can’t, then accept it and change your thoughts about it. Whatever you do, don’t attempt to invest more energy than you have, tripping over something behind you or something that only exists inside your head. Truth be told, some of the most powerful moments in life happen when you find the courage to let go of what can’t be changed. Because when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself — to grow beyond the unchangeable. And that changes everything.

5. Fantasies of a perfect path, or time to begin.

Too often we waste our time waiting for a path to appear, but it never does. Because we forget that paths are made by walking, not waiting. And we forget that there’s absolutely nothing about our present circumstances that prevents us from making progress again, one tiny step at a time.

6. The desire for quick and easy results.

Everything gets a bit hard and uncomfortable when it’s time to change. That’s just a part of the growth process. Things will get better, one step at a time. And keep in mind that your effort is never wasted, even when it leads to disappointing results. For it always makes you stronger, more educated, and more experienced. So when the going gets tough, be patient and keep going. Just because you are struggling does not mean you are failing. Every great success requires some kind of worthy struggle to get there.

7. Self-doubt.

Every difficult life situation can be an excuse for hopelessness or an opportunity for growth, depending on what you choose to do with it in the present. And in the midst of particularly hard days when I feel that I can’t endure, I try to remind myself that my track record for getting through hard days is 100% so far. The same is true for YOU. We have what it takes! (Note: Angel and I discuss this further in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

8. Daily relationships that make us feel less like ourselves.

Let others take you as you are, or not at all. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes. By being yourself you put something beautiful into the world that was not there before. And in the long run it’s wiser to lose someone over being who you are, than it is to keep them by being someone you’re not. Because it’s easier to fill an empty space in your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space inside yourself where YOU used to be.

9. Old life chapters that are still lingering half-open.

You’re going to mingle with a lot of people in your lifetime. You’re going to have first kisses you feel all the way down to your toes and think “Oh my gosh, I love him,” but really you just loved the kiss. You’re going to meet a friend you think you will know forever, but then something will change and you two will go your separate ways. You’re going to explore different parts of your life with different people who aren’t in it for the long haul, and that isn’t a bad thing. Life is a series of stories, and the way our stories intersect is remarkable. Sometimes people are in our lives for the whole story. Sometimes they are just a short chapter or two. It takes a brave person to know when that chapter is over, and then to turn the page. Be brave! Embrace your goodbyes, because almost every “goodbye” you receive in life sets you up for the next “hello.”

10. The belief that we always need more than we have.

We don’t always need more — we need appreciation. Because we often take for granted the very things that most deserve our attention and gratitude. How often do you pause to appreciate your life just the way it is? Look around right now, and be thankful… for your health, your family, your work, your comforts, your home. Nothing lasts forever. (Note: “The Good Morning Journal: Powerful Prompts & Reflections to Start Every Day” is a great tool for this kind of perspective shift.)

How to practice letting go if life tests you today.

Reflecting on the reminders above can be incredibly grounding, but what can you actively do to let go when the immediate tension inside you is spiraling?

Here’s a brief outline of some initial steps Angel and I personally take (and often recommend to our coaching clients and event attendees) to cope with the immediate tension that arises from disappointing outcomes in our lives:

• Acknowledge the tension inside you. — If you notice yourself getting angry and flustered, it’s a sign that you need to pause, take a deep breath, and practice the remaining steps.
• Resist the urge to act in haste. — The greatest harm comes whenever you act out of anger — actions that might include giving up too soon, consuming unhealthy substances, or even attacking someone else. So whenever you notice anger building up inside you, try not to take any form of destructive action. Instead, turn inward and mindfully assess whatever it is that’s arising.
• Sit with your feelings, and give them space. — Turn directly towards the tension you feel, and just be a witness. See it as something that’s passing through you, but is NOT YOU. It’s a feeling, a dark cloud passing across a vast sky, not a permanent fixture. Treat it that way. Instead of obsessing yourself with the dark cloud’s presence, try to broaden your perspective — give it the space it needs to pass. Sometimes you need a little distance to see things clearly again.
• Be OK with not knowing. — Now that you’ve given yourself some necessary space, tell yourself, “I don’t know why things are this way.” And be OK with this unknowing. Give yourself full permission to not have concrete answers in this moment. What would it be like to allow this moment to unfold without knowing? What is it like to not know what’s going on in the hearts and minds of others? What is it like to not know how to respond to life’s chaos? What is it like to be here right now, without jumping to conclusions?

The bottom line is that when life dishes you a harsh dose of reality, the best first steps involve sitting silently and witnessing the thoughts passing through you. Just witnessing at first, not interfering and not even judging, because by judging too rapidly you have lost the pure witness. The moment you rush to say, “this is absolutely terrible” or “things should be different,” you have already jumped head first into the chaos.

It takes practice to create a gap between the witnessing of thoughts and your response to them. Once the gap is there though, you are in for a great surprise — it becomes evident that you are not the thoughts themselves, nor the tension and chaos influencing them. You are the witness, a watcher, who’s capable of letting go, changing your mindset, and rising above the turmoil.

Now it’s your turn!

Yes it’s your turn to breathe deep, to be present, and to remind yourself that every day is a series of a million tiny miracles. So just do your best to see them today. See how inner peace comes with letting go of what you assume your journey is supposed to be like, and sincerely accepting it for everything that it is…

But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Which one of the points above resonated the most today?

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

If somebody is working on themselves and changing for the better, it’s unnecessary to keep bringing up their past. People can change and grow. You know that’s true. But have you given yourself a fair chance to change and grow, too?

Have you loosened your grip on what’s behind you, so you can step forward again?

If you’re shaking your head, you aren’t alone. At times we all fall victim to our attachments. We simply don’t realize how often we block our own present blessings by holding on to everything so tightly.

Thus, it’s time for a quick true story about life and letting go…

When Our Old Stories Hold Us Back

She rarely makes eye contact. Instead, she looks down at the ground. Because the ground is safer. Because unlike people, it expects nothing in return. She doesn’t have to feel ashamed about her past. The ground just accepts her for who she is right now.

As she sits at the bar next to me, she stares down at her vodka tonic, and then the ground, and then her vodka tonic. “Most people don’t get me,” she says. “They ask me questions like, ‘What’s your problem?’ or ‘Were you beaten as a child?’ But I never respond. Because I don’t feel like explaining myself. And I don’t think they really care anyway.”

Just then, a young man sits down at the bar on the opposite side of her. He’s a little drunk and says, “You’re pretty. May I buy you a drink?” She stays silent and looks back down at the ground. After an awkward moment, he accepts the rejection, gets up, and walks away.

“Would you prefer that I leave too?” I ask. “No,” she says without glancing upward. “But I could use some fresh air. You don’t have to come, but you can if you want to.” I follow her outside and we sit on a street curb in front of the bar.

“Brrr… it’s a really chilly night!”

“Tell me about it,” she says while maintaining her usual downward gaze. The warm vapor from her breath cuts through the cold air and bounces off of the ground in front of her. “So why are you out here with me? I mean, wouldn’t you rather be inside in the warmth, talking to normal people about normal things?”

“I’m out here because I want to be. Because I’m not normal. And look, I can see my breath, and we’re in San Diego. That’s not normal either. Oh, and you’re wearing old Airwalk sneakers, and so am I — which may have been normal in 1994, but not anymore.”

She glances up at me and smirks, this time exhaling her breath upward into the moonlight. “I see you’re wearing a ring. You’re married, right?”

“Yeah,” I reply. “My wife, Angel, is just getting off work now and heading here to meet me for dinner.”

She nods her head and then looks back at the ground. “Well, you’re off the market… and safe, I guess. So can I tell you a story?”

“I’m listening.”

As she speaks, her emotional gaze shifts from the ground, to my eyes, to the moonlit sky, to the ground, and back to my eyes again. This rotation continues in a loop for the duration of her story. And every time her eyes meet mine she holds them there for a few seconds longer than she did on the previous rotation.

I don’t interject once. I listen to every word. And I assimilate the raw emotion present in the tone of her voice and in the depth of her eyes.

When she finishes, she says, “Well, now you know my story. You think I’m a freak, don’t you?”

“Place your right hand on your chest,” I tell her. She does. “Do you feel something?” I ask.

“Yeah, I feel my heartbeat.”

“Now close your eyes, place both your hands on your face, and move them around slowly.” She does. “What do you feel now?” I ask.

“Well, I feel my eyes, my nose, my mouth… I feel my face.”

“That’s right,” I reply. “But unlike you, stories don’t have heartbeats, and they don’t have faces. Because stories are not alive — they’re not people. They’re just stories.”

She stares into my eyes for a prolonged moment, smiles sincerely and says, “Just stories we live through.”

“Yeah… And stories we learn from.”

The Hard Lessons We Learn by Letting Go

The woman from the story above became one of our very first students when Angel and I opened the doors to the original version of the Getting Back to Happy course a decade ago, and she’s now a friend of ours too. She has learned and applied many remarkable lessons over the years that ultimately allowed her to let go of her difficult past — her story — and move forward with her life. And last night I sat down with her over a cup of tea and had an in-depth, soul-centered conversation about what she has learned over the years. I’m sharing her story and lessons with you today, with permission, because I know we all struggle in similar ways…

Here are four hard, actionable lessons we discussed:

1. You can have a heartbreaking story from the past without letting it dominate your present life.

In the present moment we all have some kind of pain: anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment, regret, etc.

Notice this pain within yourself, watch it closely, and see that it’s caused by whatever story you have in your head about what happened in the past (either in the recent past or in the distant past). Your mind might insist that the pain you feel is caused by what happened (not by the story in your head about it), but what happened in the past is NOT happening right now. It’s over. It has passed. But the pain is still happening right now because of the story you’ve been subconsciously telling yourself about that past incident.

Note that “story” does not mean “fake story.” It also does not mean “true story.” The word “story” in the context of your self-evaluation doesn’t have to imply true or false, positive or negative, or any other kind of forceful judgment call. It’s simply a process that’s happening inside your head:

• You are remembering something that happened.
• You subconsciously perceive yourself as a victim of this incident.
• Your memory of what happened causes a strong emotion in you.

So just notice what story you have, without judging it, and without judging yourself. It’s natural to have a story; we all have stories. See yours for what it is. And see that it’s causing you pain. Then take a deep breath, and another…

Inner peace begins the moment you take these deep breaths and choose not to allow the past to dominate your present thoughts and emotions. (Note: Angel and I discuss this process in more detail in the “Happiness” chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently” and throughout the guided journal, “The Good Morning Journal: Powerful Prompts & Reflections to Start Every Day”.)

2. A big part of letting go is simply realizing there’s nothing to hold on to in the first place.

All of the things from our past that we desperately try to hold on to, as if they’re real, solid, everlasting fixtures in our lives, aren’t really there. Or if they are there in some form, they’re changing, fluid, impermanent, or simply imagined storylines in our minds.

Life gets a lot easier to deal with the moment we understand this.

Imagine you’re blindfolded and treading water in the center of a large swimming pool, and you’re struggling desperately to grab the edge of the pool that you think is nearby, but really it’s not—it’s far away. Trying to grab that imaginary edge is stressing you out, and tiring you out, as you splash around aimlessly trying to holding on to something that isn’t there.

Now imagine you pause, take a deep breath, and realize that there’s nothing nearby to hold on to. Just water around you. You can continue to struggle with grabbing at something that doesn’t exist… or you can accept that there’s only water around you, and relax, and float.

Today I challenge you to ask yourself:

• What’s something from the past that you are still desperately trying to hold on to?
• How is it affecting you in the present?

Then imagine the thing you’re trying to hold on to doesn’t really exist. Envision yourself letting go… and just floating.

How might that change your life from this moment forward?

3. The subtle pain you continue to feel can be healed through compassion for those suffering alongside you.

When we’re still working through a painful experience from the past, it’s easy to feel like we’re going through it alone — like no one else could possibly understand how we feel. In a way, we subconsciously place ourselves at the center of the universe, and see everything that happened exclusively from the viewpoint of how it affects us personally, without regard for anyone else. But as we grow through our pain and gradually broaden our horizons, we begin to see that our self-centered thinking is only fueling our misery. And we realize that shifting our focus onto others for a while can help.

It’s one of life’s great paradoxes: when we serve others, we end up benefiting as much if not more than those we serve. So whenever you feel pain from the past trying to suck you back in, shift your focus from your circumstances to the circumstances of those near and far.

The simplest way of doing this at any given moment?

Practice letting your breath be an anchor for global healing. Breathe in whatever painful feeling you’re feeling, and breathe out relief from that pain for everyone in the world who is suffering alongside you. For example:

• If you’re feeling grief, breathe in all the grief of the world… then breathe out peace.
• If you’re feeling anger, breathe in all the anger of the world… then breathe out forgiveness.
• If you’re feeling regretful, breathe in all the regret of the world… then breathe out gratitude for the good times.

Do this for a minute or two as often as you need to, imagining all the pain of those near and far coming in with each breath, and then a feeling of compassion and reconciliation radiating out to all of those who are in pain as you breathe out. Instead of running from your past and the pain it caused you, you’re embracing it… you’re letting yourself absorb it. And you’re thinking of others as well, which gets you out of that miserable, self-centered mindset trap.

4. There is always, always, always something to be grateful for.

Even when your past — your story — tries to pull you back in, you can consciously do your best to focus on your present blessings. What do you see in your life right now? Be thankful for the good parts. For your health, your family, your friends, or your home. Many people don’t have these things.

Remind yourself that the richest human is rarely the one who has the most, but the one who needs less. Wealth is a daily mindset. Want less and appreciate more today. Easier said than done of course, but with practice gratitude does get easier. And as you practice, you transform your past struggles into present moments of freedom.

Ultimately, on the average day, happiness is letting go of what you assume your life is supposed to be like right now and sincerely appreciating it for everything that it is. So at the end of this day, before you close your eyes, be at peace with where you’ve been and grateful for what you have right now. Life has goodness.

Now it’s your turn…

Again, the lessons above take practice to fully grasp in real time. So just do your best to bring awareness to this gradually — to practice — so you can let go one day at a time. Keep reminding yourself…

• You are not your bad days
• You are not your mistakes
• You are not your scars
• You are not your past

Be here now and breathe.

And before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

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“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” ~Lao Tzu

I’d known for months that I was burned out.

The kind of burnout that creeps in quietly—behind your eyes, in your spine, in your calendar. I was volunteering in raptor rescue, monitoring eagle nests as the busy season ramped up, juggling consulting work, supporting adoption placements, writing, creating. I was showing up fully in every space except the one I lived in: my body.

And yet I refused to let go. I told myself it was just a busy season. That if I could push through, things would calm down. That my exhaustion was noble, temporary, necessary.

That’s the trap when you build identity around usefulness. You stop listening for limits.

Raptor rescue had become more than a commitment—it was part of who I was. I loved it. I was invested. I was finally making progress in catching and handling, and every shift brought new confidence. Even after everything I’d learned about rest, boundaries, and overfunctioning, I still couldn’t walk away.

It took getting kicked in the face by a great horned owl to wake me up. And I mean that literally.

The Moment It Broke Open

It was one of my regular volunteer shifts. I’d worked with this particular great horned owl before—had caught her successfully more than once. It felt like business as usual: enter the enclosure, take a breath, begin the catch.

Except this time, it wasn’t usual. And I wasn’t ready.

I took my eyes off her for a split second. That’s all it took.

She flared, leapt, and with perfect precision, delivered a full-force kick to my face before escaping.

Pain blurred into shock. And then into shame.

Wounded pride doesn’t begin to describe it. My confidence evaporated. I had spent months building trust, practicing skill, stepping into this work fully. And yet, in one moment, it all felt like it had unraveled.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror—face aching, spirit heavy—and the truth landed with brutal clarity:

I’m not on top of my game. And I’m making rookie mistakes. Because I’m too tired to see straight.

The Grief of Letting Go

People talk a lot about burnout. But they rarely talk about how hard it is to walk away from something that feels meaningful.

I wasn’t just physically drained—I was emotionally split. My time in raptor land had changed my life. It gave me resilience I didn’t know I had. It helped me feel grounded during periods of personal chaos. It reminded me that healing is messy and wild and worth it.

The idea of letting go wasn’t just sad. It felt unbearable.

And yet, I knew I had to. Not out of failure. Not even out of fear. But because continuing at the pace I was going—without rest, without recalibration—wasn’t sustainable. I was breaking. Slowly. Quietly. And now, visibly.

Letting go wasn’t graceful. It was layered and raw.

I cried. I wrestled. I tried to bargain with the truth.

And when I finally stepped back, I didn’t feel immediate relief. I felt lost.

The In-Between Is a Sacred Space

People don’t talk enough about the in-between.

That space where you’ve left something but haven’t landed in something new. Where you know what isn’t right anymore but aren’t sure what will be right next.

It’s disorienting. It’s vulnerable. It’s uncomfortable.

I wasn’t who I used to be—the eager, confident raptor catcher with fresh adrenaline in her chest. But I wasn’t yet someone with clarity about where to go next. My body needed rest. My spirit needed stillness. My heart needed time.

But my mind? My mind wanted control. It wanted answers. It wanted speed.

The in-between demanded something softer.

It didn’t want me to leap. It wanted me to linger. To listen. To relearn what strength looks like when it’s gentle, not forceful.

It’s the space where grief becomes teacher. Where identity sheds its armor. Where you realize you don’t just miss what you did—you miss who you believed you were when you did it.

What That Owl Really Taught Me

Yes, the kick hurt. It disrupted my rhythm. But more than anything, it delivered a message that I had been resisting:

Even the things that change your life aren’t always meant to stay forever.

There’s a difference between honoring a season and clinging to it. I wasn’t just volunteering—I was gripping. I was folding myself around an identity that made me feel capable, valuable, essential. I didn’t want to lose it, so I ignored the signs. I numbed out the signals. I kept showing up while my body whispered, “Not this.”

And then it stopped whispering. It got loud.

That owl didn’t punish me. She mirrored me.

And once I heard what she mirrored back—once I stopped resisting the truth—I began to ask what my grip had been keeping me from.

What Letting Go Made Room For

Letting go didn’t mean losing everything I loved. It meant loosening my grip long enough for something gentler—and more lasting—to find me.

I didn’t leave raptors behind. I shifted toward a deeper kind of care—one rooted in conservation, long-term observation, and relational presence. Nest monitoring, habitat awareness, quiet stewardship that still creates impact, but from a place of balance.

It wasn’t about giving up my place in raptorland. It was about learning to show up differently—without the urgency, without the exhaustion.

I’m rediscovering who I am in this space now. Someone who listens more. Who stays longer. Who works with the rhythm of the wild, instead of rushing through it.

Change doesn’t always mean departure. Sometimes it just means choosing a slower path, a softer landing, and a future built on sustainability—in nature and in self.

If You’re in the In-Between

If you’re standing in that strange, sacred middle—between what was and what’s next—I see you.

It’s not weakness to feel unsure. It’s not failure to step back. It’s not quitting to admit you need rest. The in-between is tender. It’s transitional. And it’s necessary.

Whether it arrives through heartbreak or a literal kick in the face by an owl, change will always come to escort you out of what no longer serves—even when you swear it still does.

You don’t have to leap before you’re ready. You just have to be willing to pause. To ask:

What am I gripping that’s already trying to release me?

What would it mean to let go gently, instead of waiting to be torn?

Can I honor the season I loved without dragging it forward?

Your next chapter doesn’t need to arrive with fanfare. It may enter quietly, through silence, through softness, through surrender. But it will arrive.

And until it does, the pause is not empty. It’s everything.

About Heather Allen

Heather Allen is a feline behavior educator and founder of Pet Sitting Cat Trainer, where she helps rescued cats rebuild trust through compassionate, relationship-centered care. Through her writing at Soul Life Lessons, she explores what it means to heal, soften, and reorient after burnout—often guided by the quiet wisdom of animals and the sacred space of the in-between.

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“Finally, I realized that I was never asking too much. I was just asking the wrong person.” ~Unknown

Friendship should nourish the soul. And in my life, for the most part, it has. I have a small, longstanding circle of friends steeped in a long-shared history. We’re basically a real-life, thirty-five-year-long John Hughes film.

However, every now and then, a hornet in disguise has buzzed into my life and stung.

He was one of them. A bad sting.

Love Bombing

Right off the bat, knowing him felt amazing.

I was still reeling from the aftereffects of living with an abusive man who died a few months after I finally got away. Emotionally raw, my nervous system felt like it was covered in third-degree burns being scrubbed with a Brillo pad.

But this new friend? He felt safe. Quiet. Peaceful.

He wanted to see me multiple times a week. He introduced me to his child. We spent time watching TV, going out for drinks and dinner, living in what felt like a comforting routine. His good morning texts became a comfort for my sleepy eyes.

It felt good. Really good.

Until it didn’t.

A Bouquet of Red Flags? For Me?

Small things began happening that just didn’t sit well.

He began to speak ill of others in our mutual friend group. If he’s talking about them like this, what is he saying about me? Then I’d dismiss it. No, Jennifer. He’s a good friend.

Once, when I asked him to repay money he owed me, I received a semi-scathing text accusing me of not being a “real friend,” because “real friends” don’t expect repayment. Am I here to subsidize your income?

You’d think I walked away entirely at that point. No, not quite.

When There’s No Communication, There’s No Friendship

Instead, I drank too much one night and made out with him. (Stop judging me.)

I felt uncomfortable and needed to talk about it. I asked if I could come over for a quick chat. He declined. He was “too busy gardening.”

Right. Gardening. Okay.

The good morning texts stopped. The invitations to hang out vanished.

Days later, I texted, “Are you upset with me? We usually see each other all the time, and I haven’t heard from you.”

His reply: “I’m not upset.” No explanation. No elaboration.

Five weeks passed. Silence. Crickets.

And it hurt—more than I expected. I had let someone in after a traumatic experience. I was vulnerable, open, willing to trust again. But the friendship only existed on his terms. Everything was fine—until I asked for emotional accountability.

Inner Work and Uncomfortable Truths

After doing a lot of inner work, I realized something painful: I have a pattern of projecting qualities onto people that they simply don’t possess. I want people to be kind, emotionally intelligent, and loyal. So, I make them that way in my mind.

But people are who they are—not who I wish them to be.

And for my own well-being, that pattern had to end.

Not everyone is ready to do the work. And that’s fine. I can only be responsible for my healing, my boundaries, my growth.

In any relationship—be it romantic, familial, professional, or platonic—every individual has a right to be seen, heard, and valued. To be acknowledged as a complete person with thoughts, feelings, and needs.

Our voices and wants should be respected and celebrated. Without this foundation of trust, emotional safety, and genuine connection, we begin to feel invisible, diminished, or invalidated.

And sometimes the most loving thing we can do for ourselves is to leave a space that no longer aligns with who we are.

It’s not about giving up on people too quickly but recognizing when staying becomes a quiet betrayal of our own needs.

Self-Respect and Goodbye

So how did I move forward?

After acknowledging a deeper truth—that I had lived in a place of unworthiness for far too long, repeatedly allowing myself to be manipulated and emotionally abandoned—I decided to no longer chase breadcrumbs and worked hard on setting clear boundaries. And if those aren’t respected, I give myself permission to walk away.

And I walked away from him. I declined invites where I knew he’d be present and performed a digital detox: the phone number, the photos, the threads—all deleted. Unfollow. Unfollow. Unfollow.

And none of it happened out of anger or malice, but from a place of peace. A place of self-respect.

In the end, we teach others how to treat us by what we allow, and leaving is sometimes the most powerful way to be seen and heard—by ourselves most of all.

I was whole before I met him. And I remained whole after saying goodbye.

A Final Note

Not every friend is meant to stay. Not every connection nourishes the soul.

Some buzz in for a bit, give a quick sting, and buzz right back out.

The lesson? To stop letting ourselves be stung over and over again.

About Jennifer Tomlin

Jennifer is an advertising copywriter with over twenty-five years in the creative services and corporate communications field, A lover of animals, coffee, and music, she resides in the Philadelphia suburbs. Contact Jennifer at jennifertomlinwrites.com.

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The most powerful changes happen when we decide to take control of what we do have power over, instead of craving control over what we do not.

Holding on is hard. Holding on contributes to stress, unhappiness, relationship issues, and so much more. Yet, as human beings, we cling desperately to almost everything…

• We don’t like change, so we hold on tight to the past.
• We want life to be the way we think it “should” be.
• We get attached to our ideals even when they hurt us.

Over the past 15 years, as Marc and I have gradually worked with hundreds of coaching clients and live event attendees, we’ve come to understand that the root cause of most human stress is simply our stubborn propensity to hold on to things. In a nutshell, we hold on tight to the hope that things will go exactly as we imagine, and then we complicate our lives to no end when they don’t.

So how can we stop holding on today?

By realizing that there’s nothing to hold on to in the first place.

Most of the things we desperately try to hold on to, as if they’re real, solid, everlasting fixtures in our lives, aren’t really there. Or if they are there in some form, they’re changing, fluid, impermanent, or simply imagined in our minds.

Life gets a lot easier to deal with when we understand this.

Imagine you’re blindfolded and treading water in the center of a large swimming pool, and you’re struggling desperately to grab the edge of the pool that you think is nearby, but really it’s not — it’s far away. Trying to grab that imaginary edge is stressing you out, and tiring you out, as you splash around aimlessly trying to holding on to something that isn’t there.

Now imagine you pause, take a deep breath, and realize that there’s nothing nearby to hold on to. Just water around you. You can continue to struggle with grabbing at something that doesn’t exist… or you can accept that there’s only water around you, and relax for a moment, and float.

I challenge you to ask yourself right now:

• What are you desperately trying to hold on to?
• How is holding on like this affecting your life?

Then imagine the thing you’re trying to hold on to doesn’t really exist.

Envision yourself letting go… and just floating.

Think about how that decision could change your life.

For Marc and me, it honestly changed everything. And hundreds of people we’ve worked with over the years have had similar results. Here are some good reasons and ways life changes for the better once we loosen our grip:

1. When we let go, we allow ourselves to make the most of things.

A big part of your ability to be happy and successful in the long run relies on your willingness to let go of what you think your life is supposed to be like right now, sincerely appreciate it for everything that it is, and then make the very best of it. Remember, when you stop worrying about what you can’t control, you have more time and energy to change the things you can control.

2. When we let go, we’re able to use our resources more effectively.

Again, holding on is wanting to control the uncontrollable. Letting go and allowing uncontrollable things to happen, on the other hand, means these uncontrollable things will take care of themselves more naturally, and your needs will also be better met in the process. At the very least, you will have less to do (less to control) and more time and energy to focus on the things that truly matter — the things you actually can control — like some positive and effective daily rituals.

3. When we let go, we free our minds from extra worries.

When you are lost in worry it’s easy to mistake your worries for reality, instead of recognizing that they are just thoughts. Do your best to be more mindful. Let your presence expand and your overthinking shrink. Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in all the present possibilities.

4. When we let go, we learn more about how life really works.

When you hold on to how things “should” be, you automatically block yourself from the truth. You resist how everything works rather than learning about it. The key is to educate yourself about your present circumstances and then work smarter with what you’ve got. (Note: Marc and I discuss this further in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

5. When we let go, we get to appreciate others for who they are.

It’s about loosening up and learning to appreciate different perspectives, lifestyles, and opinions, even if it means overcoming your ego and opening your mind beyond what’s comfortable. It’s about letting those you care about be unapologetically themselves, and not distorting them to fit your own egotistical idea of who you think they “should” be.

6. When we let go, we’re less distracted by people-pleasing.

How often has your life been driven by the misunderstandings and unfair judgments of others? And how often have these misunderstandings and judgments stressed you out simply because you thought you could control the way everyone sees you? The truth is most people will see what they want to see whether you worry about it or not. It’s time to let go of trying to control how everybody perceives you. It’s time to just do the best you can!

7. When we let go, we allow ourselves to grow and heal.

If someone breaks your heart, it’s not easy to deal with. But you can heal as long as you’re willing to accept the circumstances and then gradually move through them. For example, you may catch yourself thinking, “Why did I ever love him? I should never have given him my heart!” But that’s not a helpful thought. If you didn’t love him, this never would have happened. But you did. That’s reality. And accepting that reality and everything that followed is part of letting it go, and growing from it.

8. When we let go, it gets easier to forgive ourselves.

Ask yourself: Is it possible that all the “bad” or “foolish” things you’ve done have been forgiven and forgotten by almost everyone who matters in your life, except you? The answer is likely yes. Sometimes you’ve just got to look at yourself in the mirror and say, “This did happen. It was bad judgment. It was a mistake. But I’ve grown from it. I was, and I am, worthy of my own love and forgiveness.”

9. When we let go, we get to enjoy more of life’s little surprises.

Life is so full of unpredictable beauty and brilliant little surprises. And sometimes the sudden, unexpected arrival of this beauty is almost too much to handle. Do you know that feeling? When something is just too beautiful? When someone randomly says something or writes something or plays some melody that moves you to the point of tears. Do you really want to miss out on that feeling for the rest of your life? No? Then it’s time to let go of the constant rumination and pay closer attention to the life you’re actually living today.

10. When we let go, we live more gratefully (and gracefully).

To let go is, in part, to be grateful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and helped you learn and grow. It’s the acceptance of everything you have, everything you once had, and the possibilities that are appearing over the horizon. It’s all about finding the strength to embrace life’s inevitable changes, to trust your own instincts, to learn as you go, to realize that almost every experience has value, and to continue taking positive steps forward.

An exercise for letting things breathe as you let go…

If you’d like another actionable way to practice letting go (like the opening visualization exercise on “floating”), this two-step closing exercise is for YOU:

1. As you read these words, you are breathing. Stop for a moment and notice this breath. You can control this breath, and make it faster or slower, or make it behave as you like. Or you can simply let yourself inhale and exhale naturally. There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine letting other parts of your body breathe, like your tense shoulders. Just let them be, without having to tense them or control them.
2. Now look around the room you’re in and notice the objects around you. Pick one, and let it breathe. There are likely people in the room with you too, or in the same house or building, or in nearby houses or buildings. Visualize them in your mind, and let them breathe.

That’s it. Repeat this two-step exercise as often as you need to. When you let everything and everyone breathe, you just let them be, exactly as they are. You don’t need to control them, worry about them, or change them. You just let them breathe, in peace, and you accept them as they are. This is what letting go is all about. Again, it can be a life-changing practice! (And if you’re looking for even more guidance and practice, this short essay is a great primer on the process of letting go.)

Now it’s your turn.

I hope this short essay brought more awareness to the fact that letting go isn’t impossible for you, and that it isn’t about hiding from life either. It’s about opening up to life and accepting the things you can’t control, so you can learn and grow. Surely it takes some practice, but when you develop the skill of letting go, and practice it daily, you automatically prepare yourself for almost any challenge life might send your way. Thus, it’s time to practice…

But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Which one of the points above resonated the most today?

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

On the average day happiness is letting go of what you assume life is supposed to be like, and sincerely appreciating it for everything it is.

Over the past 15 years, as Angel and I have gradually worked with hundreds of our course students, coaching clients, and live event attendees, we’ve come to understand that the root cause of most human stress is simply our stubborn propensity to hold on to things. In a nutshell, we hold on tight to the hope that things will go exactly as we imagine, and then we complicate our lives to no end when they don’t.

For example, there are a number of times when our minds cling to unhelpful ideals…

• Life isn’t suppose to be this way, I need it to be different
• There is only one thing I want, I can’t be happy without it
• I am absolutely right, the other person is absolutely wrong
• This person should love me, and want to be with me
• I should not be alone, should not be overweight, should not be exactly how I am right now, etc.

In all of these common examples the mind holds on tight to something—an ideal—that isn’t real. And after awhile the inevitable happens—lots of unnecessary stress, anxiety, unhappiness, self-righteousness, self-hate, and depressive emotions ensue.

So how can we stop holding on so tight?

By realizing that there’s almost nothing to hold on to in the first place.

Most of the things we desperately try to hold on to, as if they’re real, certain, solid, everlasting fixtures in our lives, aren’t really there. Or if they are there in some form, they’re changing, fluid, impermanent, or at least partially imagined in our minds. Life gets a lot easier to deal with when we remind ourselves of this and live accordingly.

Today, let’s start practicing…

1. Practice letting everything breathe.

As you read these words, you are breathing. Stop for a moment and notice this breath. You can control this breath, and make it faster or slower, or make it behave as you like. Or you can simply let yourself inhale and exhale naturally. There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine letting other parts of your body breathe, like your tense shoulders. Just let them be, without having to tense them or control them.

Now look around the room you’re in and notice the objects around you. Pick one, and let it breathe. There are likely people in the room with you too, or in the same house or building, or in nearby houses or buildings. Visualize them in your mind, and let them breathe.

When you let everything and everyone breathe, you just let them be, exactly as they are. You don’t need to control them, worry about them, or change them. You just let them breathe, in peace, and you accept them as they are. This is what letting go is all about. It can be a life-changing practice.

2. Practice accepting your present reality, and just floating.

Imagine you’re blindfolded and treading water in the center of a large swimming pool, and you’re struggling desperately to grab the edge of the pool that you think is nearby, but really it’s not—it’s far away. Trying to grab that imaginary edge is stressing you out, and tiring you out, as you splash around aimlessly trying to holding on to something that isn’t there.

Now imagine you pause, take a deep breath, and realize that there’s nothing nearby to hold on to. Just water around you. You can continue to struggle with grabbing at something that doesn’t exist… or you can accept that there’s only water around you, and relax, and float.

Truth be told, inner peace begins the moment you take a new breath and choose not to allow an uncontrollable event to dominate you in the present. You are not what happened to you. You are what you choose to become in this moment. Let go, breathe, and begin again. (Note: Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

3. Practice challenging the stories you keep telling yourself.

Many of the biggest misunderstandings in life could be avoided if we simply took the time to ask, “What else could this mean?” A wonderful way to do this is by using a reframing tool we initially picked up from research professor Brene Brown, which we then tailored through our coaching work with students and live event attendees. We call the tool The story I’m telling myself. Although asking the question itself—“What else could this mean?”—can help reframe our thoughts and broaden our perspectives, using the simple phrase The story I’m telling myself as a prefix to troubling thoughts has undoubtedly created many “aha moments” for our students and clients in recent times.

Here’s how it works: The story I’m telling myself can be applied to any difficult life situation or circumstance in which a troubling thought is getting the best of you. For example, perhaps someone you love (husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.) didn’t call you or text you when they said they would, and now an hour has passed and you’re feeling upset because you’re obviously not a high enough priority to them. When you catch yourself feeling this way, use the phrase: The story I’m telling myself is that they didn’t call me because I’m not a high enough priority to them.

Then ask yourself these questions:

• Can I be absolutely certain this story is true?
• How do I feel and behave when I tell myself this story?
• What’s one other possibility that might also make the ending to this story true?

Give yourself the space to think it all through carefully.

Challenge yourself to think better on a daily basis—to challenge the stories you subconsciously tell yourself and do a reality check with a more objective mindset. (Note: “The Good Morning Journal” is a great tool for daily reality checks and perspective shifts.)

4. Practice putting the figurative glass down.

Twenty years ago, when Angel and I were just undergrads in college, our psychology professor taught us a lesson we’ve never forgotten. On the last day of class before graduation, she walked up on stage to teach one final lesson, which she called “a vital lesson on the power of perspective and mindset.” As she raised a glass of water over her head, everyone expected her to mention the typical “glass half empty or glass half full” metaphor. Instead, with a smile on her face, our professor asked, “How heavy is this glass of water I’m holding?”

Students shouted out answers ranging from a couple of ounces to a couple of pounds.

After a few moments of fielding answers and nodding her head, she replied, “From my perspective, the absolute weight of this glass is irrelevant. It all depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute or two, it’s fairly light. If I hold it for an hour straight, its weight might make my arm ache. If I hold it for a day straight, my arm will likely cramp up and feel completely numb and paralyzed, forcing me to drop the glass to the floor. In each case, the absolute weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it feels to me.”

As most of us students nodded our heads in agreement, she continued. “Your worries, frustrations, disappointments, and stressful thoughts are very much like this glass of water. Think about them for a little while and nothing drastic happens. Think about them a bit longer and you begin to feel noticeable pain. Think about them all day long, and you will feel completely numb and paralyzed, incapable of doing anything else until you drop them.”

Think about how this relates to your life right now.

If you’ve been struggling to cope with the weight of what’s on your mind today, it’s a strong sign that it’s time to put the figurative glass down…

Let go to renew faith in yourself.

A big part of practicing letting go is gradually renewing your own faith in yourself. This “renewed faith” means finding the willingness to live with uncertainty, to feel your way through each day, to let your intuition guide you like a flashlight in the dark. It’s about standing firmly on your own two legs in the present, without the crutches you’ve been holding on to, and gradually taking small steps forward.

You are strong enough to take those steps!

You’ve got this!

So what if, for today, you choose to believe that you have enough and you are enough in each and every moment? What if, for today, you choose to believe that you are strong enough to move forward one step at a time? What if, for today, you choose to accept people exactly as they are, and life exactly as it is? What if, as the sun sets on today, you choose to let go and celebrate your daily progress? And what if, tomorrow, you choose to do it all over again?

Practice making those choices…

Practice letting go and renewing the faith you once had in both yourself and the world around you.

Now it’s your turn!

But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

How has holding on too tight affected your life?

Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

You don’t realize how often you block your own present blessings by holding on to everything so tightly.

It’s always necessary to accept when some part of your life has reached its inevitable end. Closing the door, completing the chapter, turning the page, etc. It doesn’t matter what you title it; what matters is that you find the strength to leave in the past those former parts of your life that are over, and those little ideals in your mind that simply aren’t meant to be.

Over the past 15 years, as Angel and I have gradually worked with hundreds of our course students, coaching clients, and live event attendees, we’ve come to understand that the most common cause of human frustration on an average day is our stubborn propensity to hold on to things long after it’s time to let go. In a nutshell, we hold on tight to the hope that things will go exactly as we imagine, and then we complicate our lives to no end when they don’t.

So let’s take a look at some of those things we ultimately regret holding on to in life…

1. The way things “should be” today.

Try to use frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life. Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remember that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance. A small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, while the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. Where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt.

2. The way things used to be.

You’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or even a week ago. You’re always learning and growing, and life is always evolving. Even though you can’t control everything that happens, again, you can control your attitude about what happens. And in doing so, you will gradually master change rather than allowing it to master you. So be humble today. Be teachable. The world is bigger than your view of the world. There’s always room for a fresh idea or a next step. But first you must accept the fact that things may never go back to how they used to be, and that this ending is really a new beginning.

3. Old mistakes and errors in judgment.

Forgive yourself for the bad decisions you’ve made in the past, for the times you lacked understanding, for the choices that accidentally hurt others and yourself. Forgive yourself, for being young and reckless. These are all vital lessons. And what matters most right now is your willingness to grow from them.

4. That subtle desire to change the unchangeable.

Be selective with your energy today. If you can fix a problem, fix it. If you can’t, then accept it and change your thoughts about it. Whatever you do, don’t attempt to invest more energy than you have, tripping over something behind you or something that only exists inside your head. Truth be told, some of the most powerful moments in life happen when you find the courage to let go of what can’t be changed. Because when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself — to grow beyond the unchangeable. And that changes everything.

5. The fantasy of a perfect path (or time to begin).

Too often we waste our time waiting for a path to appear, but it never does. Because we forget that paths are made by walking, not waiting. And we forget that there’s absolutely nothing about our present circumstances that prevents us from making progress again, one tiny step at a time.

6. The need for constant comfort and familiarity.

Everything gets a bit uncomfortable when it’s time for a change. That’s just a part of the growth process. Things will get better, step by step. And keep in mind that your effort is never wasted, even when it leads to disappointing results. For it always makes you stronger, more educated, and more experienced in the long run. So when the going gets tough, be patient and keep going. Just because you are struggling does not mean you are failing. Every great success requires some kind of worthy struggle to get there.

7. Relationships that always make you feel less like yourself.

Let others take you as you are, or not at all. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes. By being yourself, you put something beautiful into the world that was not there before. And remember that in the long run it’s wiser to lose someone over being who you are, than it is to keep them by being someone you’re not. Because it’s easier to fill an empty space in your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space inside yourself where YOU used to be. (Note: Angel and I discuss strategies for living true to these words in the Relationships chapters of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

8. Those old chapters that are still lingering half-open.

You’re going to mingle with a lot of people in your lifetime. You’re going to have first kisses you feel all the way down to your toes and think “Oh my gosh, I love him,” but really…you loved the kiss. You’re going to meet a friend you think you will know forever, but then something will change and you two will go your separate ways. You’re going to explore different parts of your life with different people who aren’t in it for the long haul, and that isn’t a bad thing. Life is a series of stories, and the way our stories intersect is remarkable. Sometimes people are in our lives for the whole story. Sometimes they are just a short chapter or two. It takes a wise person to know when that chapter is over, and then to turn the page.

An exercise for letting go and letting things breathe…

In each of the aforementioned points above, the mind holds on tight to something — an ideal — that isn’t real. And after awhile the inevitable happens: unnecessary stress ensues.

So how can we stop holding on so tight?

There are many ways, but right now let’s begin by letting everything breathe…

As you read these words, you are breathing. Stop for a moment and notice this breath. You can control this breath, and make it faster or slower, or make it behave as you like. Or you can simply let yourself inhale and exhale naturally. There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine letting other parts of your body breathe, like your tense shoulders. Just let them be, without having to tense them or control them.

Now look around the room you’re in and notice the objects around you. Pick one, and let it breathe. There are likely people in the room with you too, or in the same house or building, or in nearby houses or buildings. Visualize them in your mind, and let them breathe.

When you let everything and everyone breathe, you just let them be, exactly as they are. You don’t need to control them, worry about them, or change them. You just let them breathe, in peace, and you accept them as they are… so you can be on your way. This is the foundation of what letting go is all about. It can be a life-changing practice.

Now it’s your turn…

Yes, it’s your turn to let go and let things breathe, so you can open yourself up to the next real and present chapter of your life. But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Which one of the points above resonated the most today?

Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

We don’t realize how often we hold ourselves back by holding on to everything.

Letting go is not giving up. Letting go is surrendering any needless attachments to particular outcomes and situations. Surrender means showing up in your life with the intention to be your best, and to do the best you know how, without expecting life to be ideal. Have goals, have dreams, take purposeful action, and build solid relationships, but detach from what life must look like every step of the way.

The energy of someone aspiring to create something wonderful today, teamed with a healthy balance of surrender, is far more effective than someone determined to create outcomes with a desperate must-have mentality. Surrender brings inner calmness, awareness, and understanding. And lest we forget that our outer lives are a reflection of our inner state of being.

Thus, take a moment to remind yourself of some heavy things most of us attach to long after it’s time to let go, so you can loosen your grip on them as you move forward today…

1. The expectation of how things “should” be.

Try to use frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you today. You are in control of the way you look at life. Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remember that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance. A small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, while the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. Where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt.

2. The way things once were.

You’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or even a week ago. You’re always learning and growing, and life is always evolving. Even though you can’t control everything that happens, you can control your attitude about what happens. And in doing so, you will gradually master change rather than allowing it to master you. So be humble today. Be teachable. The world is bigger than your view of the world. There’s always room for a fresh idea or a next step. But first you must accept the fact that things may never go back to how they used to be, and that this ending is really a new beginning.

3. Old mistakes and errors in judgment.

Forgive yourself for the bad decisions you’ve made in the past, for the times you lacked understanding, for the choices that accidentally hurt others and yourself. Forgive yourself, for being young and reckless. These are all vital lessons. And what matters most right now is your willingness to grow from them.

4. The need to control everything.

Be selective with your energy today. If you can fix a problem, fix it. If you can’t, then accept it and change your thoughts about it. Whatever you do, don’t attempt to invest more energy than you have, tripping over something behind you or something that only exists inside your head. Truth be told, some of the most powerful moments in life happen when you find the courage to let go of what can’t be changed. Because when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself — to grow beyond the unchangeable. And that changes everything.

5. Fantasies of a perfect path, or time to begin.

Too often we waste our time waiting for a path to appear, but it never does. Because we forget that paths are made by walking, not waiting. And we forget that there’s absolutely nothing about our present circumstances that prevents us from making progress again, one tiny step at a time.

6. The desire for quick and easy results.

Everything gets a bit hard and uncomfortable when it’s time to change. That’s just a part of the growth process. Things will get better, one step at a time. And keep in mind that your effort is never wasted, even when it leads to disappointing results. For it always makes you stronger, more educated, and more experienced. So when the going gets tough, be patient and keep going. Just because you are struggling does not mean you are failing. Every great success requires some kind of worthy struggle to get there.

7. Self-doubt.

Every difficult life situation can be an excuse for hopelessness or an opportunity for growth, depending on what you choose to do with it in the present. And in the midst of particularly hard days when I feel that I can’t endure, I try to remind myself that my track record for getting through hard days is 100% so far. The same is true for YOU. We have what it takes! (Note: Angel and I discuss this further in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

8. Daily relationships that make us feel less like ourselves.

Let others take you as you are, or not at all. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes. By being yourself you put something beautiful into the world that was not there before. And in the long run it’s wiser to lose someone over being who you are, than it is to keep them by being someone you’re not. Because it’s easier to fill an empty space in your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space inside yourself where YOU used to be.

9. Old life chapters that are still lingering half-open.

You’re going to mingle with a lot of people in your lifetime. You’re going to have first kisses you feel all the way down to your toes and think “Oh my gosh, I love him,” but really you just loved the kiss. You’re going to meet a friend you think you will know forever, but then something will change and you two will go your separate ways. You’re going to explore different parts of your life with different people who aren’t in it for the long haul, and that isn’t a bad thing. Life is a series of stories, and the way our stories intersect is remarkable. Sometimes people are in our lives for the whole story. Sometimes they are just a short chapter or two. It takes a brave person to know when that chapter is over, and then to turn the page. Be brave! Embrace your goodbyes, because almost every “goodbye” you receive in life sets you up for the next “hello.”

10. The belief that we always need more than we have.

We don’t always need more — we need appreciation. Because we often take for granted the very things that most deserve our attention and gratitude. How often do you pause to appreciate your life just the way it is? Look around right now, and be thankful… for your health, your family, your work, your comforts, your home. Nothing lasts forever. (Note: “The Good Morning Journal: Powerful Prompts & Reflections to Start Every Day” is a great tool for this kind of perspective shift.)

How to practice letting go if life tests you today.

Reflecting on the reminders above can be incredibly grounding, but what can you actively do to let go when the immediate tension inside you is spiraling?

Here’s a brief outline of some initial steps Angel and I personally take (and often recommend to our coaching clients and event attendees) to cope with the immediate tension that arises from disappointing outcomes in our lives:

• Acknowledge the tension inside you. — If you notice yourself getting angry and flustered, it’s a sign that you need to pause, take a deep breath, and practice the remaining steps.
• Resist the urge to act in haste. — The greatest harm comes whenever you act out of anger — actions that might include giving up too soon, consuming unhealthy substances, or even attacking someone else. So whenever you notice anger building up inside you, try not to take any form of destructive action. Instead, turn inward and mindfully assess whatever it is that’s arising.
• Sit with your feelings, and give them space. — Turn directly towards the tension you feel, and just be a witness. See it as something that’s passing through you, but is NOT YOU. It’s a feeling, a dark cloud passing across a vast sky, not a permanent fixture. Treat it that way. Instead of obsessing yourself with the dark cloud’s presence, try to broaden your perspective — give it the space it needs to pass. Sometimes you need a little distance to see things clearly again.
• Be OK with not knowing. — Now that you’ve given yourself some necessary space, tell yourself, “I don’t know why things are this way.” And be OK with this unknowing. Give yourself full permission to not have concrete answers in this moment. What would it be like to allow this moment to unfold without knowing? What is it like to not know what’s going on in the hearts and minds of others? What is it like to not know how to respond to life’s chaos? What is it like to be here right now, without jumping to conclusions?

The bottom line is that when life dishes you a harsh dose of reality, the best first steps involve sitting silently and witnessing the thoughts passing through you. Just witnessing at first, not interfering and not even judging, because by judging too rapidly you have lost the pure witness. The moment you rush to say, “this is absolutely terrible” or “things should be different,” you have already jumped head first into the chaos.

It takes practice to create a gap between the witnessing of thoughts and your response to them. Once the gap is there though, you are in for a great surprise — it becomes evident that you are not the thoughts themselves, nor the tension and chaos influencing them. You are the witness, a watcher, who’s capable of letting go, changing your mindset, and rising above the turmoil.

Now it’s your turn!

Yes it’s your turn to breathe deep, to be present, and to remind yourself that every day is a series of a million tiny miracles. So just do your best to see them today. See how inner peace comes with letting go of what you assume your journey is supposed to be like, and sincerely accepting it for everything that it is…

But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Which one of the points above resonated the most today?

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When you try to control too much, you enjoy too little.

This morning I met up with an old friend, someone whom I care about deeply but have internally struggled with for years because I’ve always been worried about her health.

I want to help her heal, because I feel I’m losing her.

I want to teach her the time-tested tools for living a happier, simpler, healthier life that I’ve helped so many other people with — so she can give up her addictions, take up exercise and mindfulness, nurture her needs, and be transformed into a healthy person again.

But that’s not reality. I want to control something that frightens me, but I can’t do anything about it. Because I’m not in control of anyone but myself. I want to help my friend, but she’s not interested in being helped. She has actually told me so a dozen times in the past.

So today, I let go.

Not “let go” as in “let her go.” I “let go” as in I stopped trying to control, stopped trying to change her, and instead took a deep breath and accepted her for exactly who she is.

And guess what? Who she is… is a blessing. Who she is… is someone so ridiculously special and unique I have a hard time expressing it. She’s hilarious and passionate and compassionate and wise and wild and thoughtful and loyal… and did I mention wild?

I let go and accepted her as she is, and only then could I actually enjoy all of her, instead of worrying about losing her or changing her ways.

And this, I’ve learned, is the best way to be in all walks of life.

We can stop trying to change and control people, and just let go and dissolve into their presence… just notice who they are, just appreciate every idiosyncratic quirk. We can stop complaining about our everyday life circumstances, about our little frustrations, about how the world is, and just lean in and accept what is…

Of course, that’s all easier said than done sometimes, but here’s what we receive in life when we do:

1. We gradually fall in love with people for who they truly are.

It’s OK to disagree with the thoughts or opinions expressed by those you love. But that doesn’t give you the right to deny any sense they might make. Nor does it give you a right to accuse them of poorly expressing their beliefs just because you don’t like what they’re saying. Learn to recognize interesting perspectives, lifestyles, and opinions, even if it means overcoming your pride and opening your mind beyond what’s comfortable.

Truth be told, we don’t know most people half as well as we believe we do; and truly knowing someone is a big part of what makes them amazing.

Love is about letting those we care about be unapologetically themselves, and not distorting them to fit our own egotistical ideas of who we think they should be.

2. We grow beyond life’s perpetual misunderstandings.

How often have you been misunderstood? How often has the direction of your life been shaped by such misunderstandings?

Think about it. How many opportunities have you been denied — or, for that matter, been granted — because someone failed to understand you completely? How many friends have you lost, and how many have you gained, because they saw a glimpse of some part of your personality that shone through for only a short time?

How often has your life been driven by misunderstandings and illusions — like someone seeing mirages of water shimmering at the far bend of a highway, and then vanishing moments later? And how often have these misunderstandings and illusions disappointed you or stressed you out because you thought you could control the way everyone sees you?

The truth is, people will see what they want to see whether you worry about it or not.

It’s time to let go of trying to control how everyone perceives you.

It’s time to just do the best you can.

3. We get to enjoy more of the peace that’s already within us.

The Greek philosopher Epictetus said it perfectly more than 2,000 years ago: “People are disturbed, not by things (that happen to them), but by the principles and opinions which they form concerning (those) things. When we are hindered, or disturbed, or grieved, let us never attribute it to others, but to ourselves; that is, to our own principles and opinions.”

The bottom line is that how people react to events is determined predominantly by their view of the events, not the events themselves. On the average day, somewhere within us all there exists a self who is at peace. Because on most days inner peace does not depend on external conditions — it’s what remains when we have surrendered. The need for something to be different in this moment is nothing more than a needless worry, and worries like this simply lead us in circles.

Peace of mind arrives almost anyplace and anytime, the moment you come to peace with what’s on your mind. And that only happens when you let go of the need for things to be different than they are. (Read “Loving What Is”.)

4. We learn more about how life really works.

When you attempt to control the uncontrollable you automatically block yourself from the truth. You resist how everything works rather than learning about it. So here’s a simple challenge for you: Instead of trying to make things work exactly the way you want them to work, just watch them work today.

I bet you’ll learn much more about human nature and the inner workings of the world around you. As you see things working without you controlling them, the way you see what you see will gradually change. Because you will gradually change. You will begin to understand that things are often a little different than you wanted them to be. And that it’s perfectly OK, because that’s reality.

5. We experience more of life’s pleasant surprises.

Would you really want to be in 100% control of everything, and know your future every step of the way?

If you’re thinking “yes,” think again. Not knowing is one of life’s greatest gifts.

Life is so full of unpredictable beauty and magnificent surprises. And sometimes the sudden, unexpected arrival of this beauty is almost too much to handle. Do you know that feeling? When something is just too beautiful. When someone randomly says something or writes something or plays some tune that surprises you and moves you to the point of tears.

Do you really want to miss out on that feeling for the rest of your life? I’m betting not.

So just keep reminding yourself that no matter what happens, no matter the outcome, the sun will rise and set. The world around you is going to spin one way or the other. And there’s no good reason to resist life blessing you in surprising and joyful ways.

6. We free our minds from excess worries.

Let’s think about this again…

What if, instead of pushing so hard to make life happen every second, you decided to let go a little and allow life to happen to you sometimes?

What if, instead of trying to be in constant control, you simply surrendered control to something bigger than yourself?

What if, instead of working so hard to figure out every last answer, you allowed yourself to be guided to the solution in perfect timing?

Yes, you can train your mind to let go, moment by moment. Your your graceful acceptance of life is a choice. And your long-term peace of mind depends on it.

7. We get more of what we want (by doing less).

“If you want to control your animals, give them a larger pasture.” This is a quote I heard at a meditation retreat several years ago in a group discussion focused on the power of changing your thoughts.

I see “the animals” and their “larger pasture” as a form of letting go and allowing things to be the way they are — instead of trying to tightly control something (farm animals mooing and horsing around for example), you’re loosening up, giving them more space to roam… a larger pasture. The animals will be happier — they will roam around and do what they naturally do. And your needs will be met too — you will have more space (away from them) to be at peace with the way the animals are.

This same philosophy holds true for many aspects of life — stepping back and allowing certain things to happen means these things will take care of themselves, and your needs will also be met. You will have less stress (and less to do), and more time and energy to work on the things you actually can control, like your attitude about everything. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in detail in the Simplicity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

Remember, the mind is the battleground.

The mind the place where the greatest conflict resides. It’s where half of the things you thought were going to happen, never did happen. It’s where your expectations always get the best of you. It’s where you fall victim to your cravings to control the uncontrollable. And if you allow those thoughts and cravings to dwell in your mind, they will succeed in robbing you of peace, joy, and ultimately your life. You will think yourself into frustration, into a breakdown, and into defeat.

Truthfully, there’s so much about life that you can’t control, it makes no sense waste your energy on these things and then neglect everything you can control.

You can decide how you spend your time, whom you socialize with, whom you share your life, money and energy with. You can choose to love and appreciate the people in your life for exactly who they are. You can choose how you’re going to respond to life’s surprises and disappointments when they arise, and whether you will see them as curses or opportunities for growth… And perhaps most importantly, you can choose to let go when you must.

Now it’s your turn…

Yes, it’s your turn to practice letting go today…

But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

If somebody is working on themselves and changing for the better, it’s unnecessary to keep bringing up their past. People can change and grow. You know that’s true. But have you given yourself a fair chance to change and grow, too?

Have you loosened your grip on what’s behind you, so you can step forward?

If you’re shaking your head, you aren’t alone. At times we all fall victim to our attachments. We simply don’t realize how often we block our own present blessings by holding on to everything so tightly.

Thus, it’s time for a quick true story about life and letting go…

When Our Old Stories Hold Us Back

She rarely makes eye contact. Instead, she looks down at the ground. Because the ground is safer. Because unlike people, it expects nothing in return. She doesn’t have to feel ashamed about her past. The ground just accepts her for who she is right now.

As she sits at the bar next to me, she stares down at her vodka tonic, and then the ground, and then her vodka tonic. “Most people don’t get me,” she says. “They ask me questions like, ‘What’s your problem?’ or ‘Were you beaten as a child?’ But I never respond. Because I don’t feel like explaining myself. And I don’t think they really care anyway.”

Just then, a young man sits down at the bar on the opposite side of her. He’s a little drunk and says, “You’re pretty. May I buy you a drink?” She stays silent and looks back down at the ground. After an awkward moment, he accepts the rejection, gets up, and walks away.

“Would you prefer that I leave too?” I ask. “No,” she says without glancing upward. “But I could use some fresh air. You don’t have to come, but you can if you want to.” I follow her outside and we sit on a street curb in front of the bar.

“Brrr… it’s a really chilly night!”

“Tell me about it,” she says while maintaining her usual downward gaze. The warm vapor from her breath cuts through the cold air and bounces off of the ground in front of her. “So why are you out here with me? I mean, wouldn’t you rather be inside in the warmth, talking to normal people about normal things?”

“I’m out here because I want to be. Because I’m not normal. And look, I can see my breath, and we’re in San Diego. That’s not normal either. Oh, and you’re wearing old Airwalk sneakers, and so am I — which may have been normal in 1994, but not anymore.”

She glances up at me and smirks, this time exhaling her breath upward into the moonlight. “I see you’re wearing a ring. You’re married, right?”

“Yeah,” I reply. “My wife, Angel, is just getting off work now and heading here to meet me for dinner.”

She nods her head and then looks back at the ground. “Well, you’re off the market… and safe, I guess. So can I tell you a story?”

“I’m listening.”

As she speaks, her emotional gaze shifts from the ground, to my eyes, to the moonlit sky, to the ground, and back to my eyes again. This rotation continues in a loop for the duration of her story. And every time her eyes meet mine she holds them there for a few seconds longer than she did on the previous rotation.

I don’t interject once. I listen to every word. And I assimilate the raw emotion present in the tone of her voice and in the depth of her eyes.

When she finishes, she says, “Well, now you know my story. You think I’m a freak, don’t you?”

“Place your right hand on your chest,” I tell her. She does. “Do you feel something?” I ask.

“Yeah, I feel my heartbeat.”

“Now close your eyes, place both your hands on your face, and move them around slowly.” She does. “What do you feel now?” I ask.

“Well, I feel my eyes, my nose, my mouth… I feel my face.”

“That’s right,” I reply. “But unlike you, stories don’t have heartbeats, and they don’t have faces. Because stories are not alive — they’re not people. They’re just stories.”

She stares into my eyes for a prolonged moment, smiles sincerely and says, “Just stories we live through.”

“Yeah… And stories we learn from.”

Hard Lessons We Slowly Learn by Letting Go

The woman from the story above became one of our very first students when Angel and I opened the doors to the original version of the Getting Back to Happy course a decade ago, and she’s now a friend of ours too. She has learned and applied many remarkable lessons over the years that ultimately allowed her to let go of her difficult past — her story — and move forward with her life. And last night I sat down with her over a cup of tea and had an in-depth, soul-centered conversation about what she has learned over the years. I’m sharing her story and lessons with you today, with permission, because I know we all struggle in similar ways…

Here are four hard, actionable lessons we discussed:

1. You can have a heartbreaking story from the past without letting it dominate your present life.

In the present moment we all have some kind of pain: anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment, regret, etc.

Notice this pain within yourself, watch it closely, and see that it’s caused by whatever story you have in your head about what happened in the past (either in the recent past or in the distant past). Your mind might insist that the pain you feel is caused by what happened (not by the story in your head about it), but what happened in the past is NOT happening right now. It’s over. It has passed. But the pain is still happening right now because of the story you’ve been subconsciously telling yourself about that past incident.

Note that “story” does not mean “fake story.” It also does not mean “true story.” The word “story” in the context of your self-evaluation doesn’t have to imply true or false, positive or negative, or any other kind of forceful judgment call. It’s simply a process that’s happening inside your head:

• You are remembering something that happened.
• You subconsciously perceive yourself as a victim of this incident.
• Your memory of what happened causes a strong emotion in you.

So just notice what story you have, without judging it, and without judging yourself. It’s natural to have a story; we all have stories. See yours for what it is. And see that it’s causing you pain. Then take a deep breath, and another…

Inner peace begins the moment you take these deep breaths and choose not to allow the past to dominate your present thoughts and emotions. (Note: Angel and I discuss this process in more detail in the “Happiness” chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently” and throughout the guided journal, “The Good Morning Journal: Powerful Prompts & Reflections to Start Every Day”.)

2. A big part of letting go is simply realizing there’s nothing to hold on to in the first place.

All of the things from our past that we desperately try to hold on to, as if they’re real, solid, everlasting fixtures in our lives, aren’t really there. Or if they are there in some form, they’re changing, fluid, impermanent, or simply imagined storylines in our minds.

Life gets a lot easier to deal with the moment we understand this.

Imagine you’re blindfolded and treading water in the center of a large swimming pool, and you’re struggling desperately to grab the edge of the pool that you think is nearby, but really it’s not—it’s far away. Trying to grab that imaginary edge is stressing you out, and tiring you out, as you splash around aimlessly trying to holding on to something that isn’t there.

Now imagine you pause, take a deep breath, and realize that there’s nothing nearby to hold on to. Just water around you. You can continue to struggle with grabbing at something that doesn’t exist… or you can accept that there’s only water around you, and relax, and float.

Today I challenge you to ask yourself:

• What’s something from the past that you are still desperately trying to hold on to?
• How is it affecting you in the present?

Then imagine the thing you’re trying to hold on to doesn’t really exist. Envision yourself letting go… and just floating.

How might that change your life from this moment forward?

3. The subtle pain you continue to feel can be healed through compassion for those suffering alongside you.

When we’re still working through a painful experience from the past, it’s easy to feel like we’re going through it alone — like no one else could possibly understand how we feel. In a way, we subconsciously place ourselves at the center of the universe, and see everything that happened exclusively from the viewpoint of how it affects us personally, without regard for anyone else. But as we grow through our pain and gradually broaden our horizons, we begin to see that our self-centered thinking is only fueling our misery. And we realize that shifting our focus onto others for a while can help.

It’s one of life’s great paradoxes: when we serve others, we end up benefiting as much if not more than those we serve. So whenever you feel pain from the past trying to suck you back in, shift your focus from your circumstances to the circumstances of those near and far.

The simplest way of doing this at any given moment?

Practice letting your breath be an anchor for global healing. Breathe in whatever painful feeling you’re feeling, and breathe out relief from that pain for everyone in the world who is suffering alongside you. For example:

• If you’re feeling grief, breathe in all the grief of the world… then breathe out peace.
• If you’re feeling anger, breathe in all the anger of the world… then breathe out forgiveness.
• If you’re feeling regretful, breathe in all the regret of the world… then breathe out gratitude for the good times.

Do this for a minute or two as often as you need to, imagining all the pain of those near and far coming in with each breath, and then a feeling of compassion and reconciliation radiating out to all of those who are in pain as you breathe out. Instead of running from your past and the pain it caused you, you’re embracing it… you’re letting yourself absorb it. And you’re thinking of others as well, which gets you out of that miserable, self-centered mindset trap.

4. There is always, always, always something to be grateful for.

Even when your past — your story — tries to pull you back in, you can consciously do your best to focus on your present blessings. What do you see in your life right now? Be thankful for the good parts. For your health, your family, your friends, or your home. Many people don’t have these things.

Remind yourself that the richest human is rarely the one who has the most, but the one who needs less. Wealth is a daily mindset. Want less and appreciate more today. Easier said than done of course, but with practice gratitude does get easier. And as you practice, you transform your past struggles into present moments of freedom.

Ultimately, on the average day, happiness is letting go of what you assume your life is supposed to be like right now and sincerely appreciating it for everything that it is. So at the end of this day, before you close your eyes, be at peace with where you’ve been and grateful for what you have right now. Life has goodness.

Now it’s your turn…

Again, the lessons above take practice to fully grasp in real time. So just do your best to bring awareness to this gradually — to practice — so you can let go one day at a time. Keep reminding yourself…

• You are not your bad days
• You are not your mistakes
• You are not your scars
• You are not your past

Be here now and breathe.

And before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.