The most powerful changes happen when we decide to take control of what we do have power over, instead of craving control over what we do not.

Holding on is hard. Holding on contributes to stress, unhappiness, relationship issues, and so much more. Yet, as human beings, we cling desperately to almost everything…

• We don’t like change, so we hold on tight to the past.
• We want life to be the way we think it “should” be.
• We get attached to our ideals even when they hurt us.

Over the past 15 years, as Angel and I have gradually worked with hundreds of coaching clients and live event attendees, we’ve come to understand that the root cause of most human stress is simply our stubborn propensity to hold on to things. In a nutshell, we hold on tight to the hope that things will go exactly as we imagine, and then we complicate our lives to no end when they don’t.

So how can we stop holding on today?

By realizing that there’s nothing to hold on to in the first place.

Most of the things we desperately try to hold on to, as if they’re real, solid, everlasting fixtures in our lives, aren’t really there. Or if they are there in some form, they’re changing, fluid, impermanent, or simply imagined in our minds.

Life gets a lot easier to deal with when we understand this.

Imagine you’re blindfolded and treading water in the center of a large swimming pool, and you’re struggling desperately to grab the edge of the pool that you think is nearby, but really it’s not — it’s far away. Trying to grab that imaginary edge is stressing you out, and tiring you out, as you splash around aimlessly trying to holding on to something that isn’t there.

Now imagine you pause, take a deep breath, and realize that there’s nothing nearby to hold on to. Just water around you. You can continue to struggle with grabbing at something that doesn’t exist… or you can accept that there’s only water around you, and relax for a moment, and float.

I challenge you to ask yourself right now:

• What are you desperately trying to hold on to?
• How is holding on like this affecting your life?

Then imagine the thing you’re trying to hold on to doesn’t really exist.

Envision yourself letting go… and just floating.

Think about how that decision could change your life.

For Angel and me, it honestly changed everything. And hundreds of people we’ve worked with over the years have had similar results. Here are some good reasons and ways life changes for the better once we loosen our grip:

1. When we let go, we allow ourselves to make the most of things.

A big part of your ability to be happy and successful in the long run relies on your willingness to let go of what you think your life is supposed to be like right now, sincerely appreciate it for everything that it is, and then make the very best of it. Remember, when you stop worrying about what you can’t control, you have more time and energy to change the things you can control.

2. When we let go, we’re able to use our resources more effectively.

Again, holding on is wanting to control the uncontrollable. Letting go and allowing uncontrollable things to happen, on the other hand, means these uncontrollable things will take care of themselves more naturally, and your needs will also be better met in the process. At the very least, you will have less to do (less to control) and more time and energy to focus on the things that truly matter — the things you actually can control — like some positive and effective daily rituals.

3. When we let go, we free our minds from extra worries.

When you are lost in worry it’s easy to mistake your worries for reality, instead of recognizing that they are just thoughts. Do your best to be more mindful. Let your presence expand and your overthinking shrink. Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in all the present possibilities.

4. When we let go, we learn more about how life really works.

When you hold on to how things “should” be, you automatically block yourself from the truth. You resist how everything works rather than learning about it. The key is to educate yourself about your present circumstances and then work smarter with what you’ve got. (Note: Angel and I discuss this further in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

5. When we let go, we get to appreciate others for who they are.

It’s about loosening up and learning to appreciate different perspectives, lifestyles, and opinions, even if it means overcoming your ego and opening your mind beyond what’s comfortable. It’s about letting those you care about be unapologetically themselves, and not distorting them to fit your own egotistical idea of who you think they “should” be.

6. When we let go, we’re less distracted by people-pleasing.

How often has your life been driven by the misunderstandings and unfair judgments of others? And how often have these misunderstandings and judgments stressed you out simply because you thought you could control the way everyone sees you? The truth is most people will see what they want to see whether you worry about it or not. It’s time to let go of trying to control how everybody perceives you. It’s time to just do the best you can!

7. When we let go, we allow ourselves to grow and heal.

If someone breaks your heart, it’s not easy to deal with. But you can heal as long as you’re willing to accept the circumstances and then gradually move through them. For example, you may catch yourself thinking, “Why did I ever love him? I should never have given him my heart!” But that’s not a helpful thought. If you didn’t love him, this never would have happened. But you did. That’s reality. And accepting that reality and everything that followed is part of letting it go, and growing from it.

8. When we let go, it gets easier to forgive ourselves.

Ask yourself: Is it possible that all the “bad” or “foolish” things you’ve done have been forgiven and forgotten by almost everyone who matters in your life, except you? The answer is likely yes. Sometimes you’ve just got to look at yourself in the mirror and say, “This did happen. It was bad judgment. It was a mistake. But I’ve grown from it. I was, and I am, worthy of my own love and forgiveness.”

9. When we let go, we get to enjoy more of life’s little surprises.

Life is so full of unpredictable beauty and brilliant little surprises. And sometimes the sudden, unexpected arrival of this beauty is almost too much to handle. Do you know that feeling? When something is just too beautiful? When someone randomly says something or writes something or plays some melody that moves you to the point of tears. Do you really want to miss out on that feeling for the rest of your life? No? Then it’s time to let go of the constant rumination and pay closer attention to the life you’re actually living today.

10. When we let go, we live more gratefully (and gracefully).

To let go is, in part, to be grateful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and helped you learn and grow. It’s the acceptance of everything you have, everything you once had, and the possibilities that are appearing over the horizon. It’s all about finding the strength to embrace life’s inevitable changes, to trust your own instincts, to learn as you go, to realize that almost every experience has value, and to continue taking positive steps forward.

An exercise for letting things breathe as you let go…

If you’d like another actionable way to practice letting go (like the opening visualization exercise on “floating”), this two-step closing exercise is for YOU:

1. As you read these words, you are breathing. Stop for a moment and notice this breath. You can control this breath, and make it faster or slower, or make it behave as you like. Or you can simply let yourself inhale and exhale naturally. There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine letting other parts of your body breathe, like your tense shoulders. Just let them be, without having to tense them or control them.
2. Now look around the room you’re in and notice the objects around you. Pick one, and let it breathe. There are likely people in the room with you too, or in the same house or building, or in nearby houses or buildings. Visualize them in your mind, and let them breathe.

That’s it. Repeat this two-step exercise as often as you need to. When you let everything and everyone breathe, you just let them be, exactly as they are. You don’t need to control them, worry about them, or change them. You just let them breathe, in peace, and you accept them as they are. This is what letting go is all about. Again, it can be a life-changing practice! (And if you’re looking for even more guidance and practice, this short essay is a great primer on the process of letting go.)

Now it’s your turn.

I hope this short essay brought more awareness to the fact that letting go isn’t impossible for you, and that it isn’t about hiding from life either. It’s about opening up to life and accepting the things you can’t control, so you can learn and grow. Surely it takes some practice, but when you develop the skill of letting go, and practice it daily, you automatically prepare yourself for almost any challenge life might send your way. Thus, it’s time to practice…

But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Which one of the points above resonated the most today?

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

It happens to all of us gradually as we live and grow. We discover more about who we are and the way life is, and then we realize there are some changes we need to make. The lifestyle we’ve been living no longer fits. The environments and relationships we once found comfort in no longer exist, or no longer serve our best interests. So we cherish all the great memories, but find ourselves at a crossroads in life, moving forward.

And it’s not easy. It’s painful to give up what’s comfortable and familiar, especially when there’s no other choice. Marc and I have struggled through this process many times out of necessity. Over the past 16 years we’ve had to deal with several significant, unexpected life changes and challenges, including:

• Losing a sibling to death in our mid-20’s
• Losing a best friend to a freak accident two weeks later
• Financial unrest following a breadwinning employment layoff
• Breaking ties with a loved one who repeatedly betrayed us
• Family business failure (and reinvention)
• and the list goes on…

Those experiences were brutal. Each of them, naturally, knocked us down and off course for a period of time. But once we accepted the truth, by giving up our ideals and letting go of the way things used to be, we pressed forward, more resilient, and with a greater understanding and respect for life.

Getting to the right state of mind, one that actually allowed us to move forward with our lives, required mindful practice. Because when we were initially faced with each one of those brutal experiences — when we were standing at the forefront of another rocky crossroads in our lives — you better believe our minds were spinning with emotions. We had to learn to catch ourselves in that whirlwind of emotional turmoil and calm our minds, so we could cope effectively and move forward.

When you find yourself facing a disheartening reality your emotional reaction might be to deny the situation, or to avoid dealing with it altogether. But by doing so you’re inadvertently holding on even tighter to the pain that you wish to let go of — you’re, in effect, sealing it up inside you. If you notice yourself doing something similar, it’s time to pause, admit to yourself that you’re coping by avoiding, and then shift your focus to a healthier coping mechanism, like using the quotes listed later in this post to help you open your mind.

When you face struggles with an attitude of openness — open to the painful feelings and emotions you have — you find out that it’s not comfortable, but you can still be fine and you can still step forward. Openness means you don’t instantly decide that you know this is only going to be a horrible experience — it means you admit that you don’t really know what the next step will be like, and you’d like to understand the whole truth of the matter. It’s a calm learning stance, instead of one that franticly assumes the worst.

The Benefits of Healthy Coping

Coping in a healthy way isn’t always an easy thing to do, but it’s always worth your while. With practice, healthy coping allows you to find better ways of managing life’s continuous stream of unexpected and uncontrollable circumstances. For example…

• A task is harder than you expected it to be — Instead of running from a daunting and overwhelming task, you can accept it and see what it’s like to feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed, and still take action anyway. Writing a book, for example, is daunting and overwhelming, but you can still write one even with those feelings rolling through you (just like Marc and I did with our books).
• An interaction with someone you love angers or frustrates you — Instead of lashing out at a loved one when you’re upset with them, you can sit quietly with your difficult feelings and just be open to what it’s like to feel them. And then, once you’ve had a moment to breathe, you can see what it’s like to deal compassionately with someone you love who you’re also upset with. To try to understand them instead of just judging them at their worst.
• Unhealthy cravings overwhelm you out of nowhere — You may be inclined to indulge in unhealthy cravings like alcohol and sweets for comfort when you’re feeling stressed out. But you can sit with these feelings and be open to them instead, and then gradually build positive daily rituals for coping in healthier ways—taking walks, meditating, talking with someone about your feelings, journaling, reviewing the relevant quotes from our book provided in this post, etc.
• You are forced to deal with a loved one’s death — When someone you love passes away, the grief and sense of loss can seem overwhelming. And at that point, it’s incredibly easy to give in to unhealthy, “quick-fix” ways of alleviating the pain. But you have to force yourself to do the opposite—to give yourself compassion, to sit with the powerfully difficult thoughts and feelings you have, and to open your mind to what lies ahead. Gradually it becomes evident that death isn’t just an ending, but also a beginning. Because while you have lost someone special, this ending, like all losses, is a moment of reinvention. Although deeply sad, their passing forces you to reinvent your life, and in this reinvention is an opportunity to experience beauty in new, unseen ways and places.

And of course, we’ve merely just scratched the surface of an endless pool of possibilities for healthy coping. The key thing to understand is that by learning to cope in healthier ways, you will find that you can better handle anything life throws your way, and come out stronger, calmer, and sometimes even happier than you were before.

The simplest way of getting started?

Daily Reminders for Inner Calmness and Healthy Coping

It’s all about keeping the right thoughts at the top of your mind every day, so they’re readily available on those inevitable days when you need them most. For Marc and me, that means sitting down quietly with ourselves every morning and reflecting on precisely what we needed to remember. We use quotes like the ones below to do just that (several of which are excerpts from our books).

Some people call them affirmations, or mantras, or prayers, or convictions, but in any case these daily reminders keep us on track by keeping calm, peaceful, productive thoughts and perspectives at the top of our minds, even when life gets utterly chaotic. And over the years we’ve ultimately learned that peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard realities to deal with — peace means to be in the midst of all those things and still remain calm in your mind and centered in your heart.

Challenge yourself to choose one of these quotes every morning or evening, and then sit for a moment or two while repeating it silently in your mind. See how doing so gradually changes the way you think through life’s twists, turns, and crossroads:

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Before you go, please share this post with others who you think will benefit from it, and also share your thoughts with us in the comments section below. Which quote or saying above resonated the most today? Or perhaps share an additional quote or personal saying that has helped you cope more effectively through life’s twists, turns, and crossroads.

Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

Today’s pull is The Tower. This dramatic major arcana card represents chaos, sudden changes, and a disruption to the status quo. It’s always a little unnerving when it pops up in a tarot reading, but it’s often exactly what you need to see.

The Tower suggests something you’re currently relying on (like a job, relationship, or friendship) could start to show some cracks today. This shift might be something that happens to you, like an unexpected breakup or an annoying setback at work, but it’s most likely something you’ll notice and start to change all on your own.

This is especially true if you’ve been ignoring tiny red flags or subtle signals that something isn’t quite right in your life. Just like a crumbling foundation, these signs might have started as small cracks that didn’t seem like a big deal, but now they’re growing — and you’re starting to get worried.

It’s so easy — and completely understandable — to stick around in situations that aren’t 100% ideal. For a quick example, think about a friendship that’s zapping all your energy. It might not feel like a big deal that they make back-handed compliments or that you’re always exhausted after hanging out. It’s only when these things happen day after day, year after year, that they start you wear you down.

Today could bring an “enough is enough” moment where you decide to cut someone or something out of your life for good. It might also mean setting boundary that you should have made years ago. Although pivoting can feel daunting, The Tower reminds you to take control before everything gets worse.

Sometimes the change is literal, like ditching someone who consistently brings you down, or more figurative, like letting go of an idea that’s no longer working for you. Whatever the case may be, the inspo to do so will be strong today.

For some, this card could also hint at a desire for a complete rebrand. If you’re sick of the status quo, tired of how you feel, or not seeing the kind of progress you want to see in life, this might be your cue to scrap it all and start over. The Tower may be falling down, but it leaves space for you to build something even better.

For more, check out your horoscope.