Some days, my goal is simply to put one foot in front of the other consistently enough to make it through to the end of the day. I’m in a life stage where it is easy to feel out of control, with two young kids and a full plate of activities (on top of work and other obligations and demands).

On those days, it’s almost like my wife and I are running a marathon, and we are just trying to cross the finish line.

But, God doesn’t want us to just survive. He intends for us to thrive, or flourish.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly” (John 10:10). Jesus is talking about having life, and having it to the fullest!

In the same way, God wants our marriages to not only last but to thrive. When I set out to write this article, I really had to meditate on what it means to thrive. I was really intrigued by one definition I read for the word… to grow vigorously.

Over the last few years, I’ve taken up gardening. Now, I’ve grown a few things in planter boxes and on patios through the years, but last year it got real–my first, sizeable, in-ground garden.

We moved to a new home with more land and space to undertake such an effort, so I said “why not?” While I was feeling adventurous last spring, I decided to attempt to grow some cantaloupe plants from the seeds from a store-bought cantaloupe. I had no idea if it would work or not.

Well, let me tell you, with a little work and a lot of patience, those cantaloupe seeds sprang forth huge plants that produced dozens of cantaloupes… and grew so vigorously they nearly took over the garden.

I know it can be cliché to draw a comparison between a garden and a marriage–but it’s nearly unavoidable since it is so apt. Like a garden, a marriage needs cultivation.

You have to pay attention to your garden plot–add in the good stuff like compost and remove the bad stuff like weeds and pests. If you do those things, the plants will thrive, or “grow vigorously.”

So, how do we get our marriage to do the same? I believe there are a few key factors that contribute to a thriving, growing marriage. If we maintain our focus on these, then we’ll see the fruitful results in our relationships.

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Bernardbodo

1. Commitment

The Bible has a lot to say about commitment in marriage. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:24). I’d say becoming “one flesh” and “giving yourself up for your wife” is pretty strong commitment.

At most wedding ceremonies, the two stand across from each other and vocalize their commitment to each other. It’s there at the start, but all too often, it fades over time. In the marriages that struggle or don’t end up making it, something happens or gets in the way of that original commitment the two had to each other.

The other day, one of my favorite Bible teachers and Twitter follows, Beth Moore, tweeted: “Just gonna tell y’all something. By the time you’ve been married over 40 years, you’ve been married to about four different people. So have they. It’s a miracle of God any of us ever make it.”

People change over time, that’s true. The man or woman you married is probably not the same person today.

If you are both maturing, and growing closer to the Lord, you should be growing closer to each other at the same time. I think about who I was 15 years ago when I got married. I was just a kid, it seems. My wife and I have both grown tremendously, and we are closer now that we ever have been.

The only way that’s possible is by staying committed–committed to the Lord and committed to your spouse.

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Artem Peretiatko

2. Encouragement

I love the visual of athletes running a major marathon, while friends and spectators line the sides to cheer them on. The runners round a corner and supporters hold out a small cup of water that they grab on the move.

These small pieces of encouragement give them the physical and mental strength to carry.

I recently binge-watched a show on Amazon Prime called the World Toughest Race. Teams from around the world competed in a grueling, multiday trek across hundreds of miles in Fiji–open water paddling, whitewater rafting, mountain biking, rappelling, hiking and climbing. Imagine an Iron Man marathon every day for a week and a half.

At various points in the race, a family member would be awaiting them at camp to provide food, encouragement, additional gear and more. To this ragged and weary racers, the short respite and support from a loved one was just what they needed to continue.

Author Gary Chapman writes in his book The 4 Seasons of Marriage, “One of the most effective ways to help your spouse is to offer encouraging words. The word encourage means “to inspire courage.”

All of us have areas in which we feel insecure and lack courage, and that lack of courage often hinders us from accomplishing the positive things that we would like to do. The latent potential within your spouse may await your encouraging words… Most of us have more potential than we will ever develop.

The thing that holds us back is often lack of courage. A loving spouse can supply that all-important catalyst.”

A successful marriage has to include two encouragers – people who inspire each other to be their best. We should strive to “encourage one another and build one another up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11).

If we encourage our spouse daily, instead of tearing them down, our marriage will be stronger.

Photo Credit: ©Sparrowstock

3. Patience

I’ve heard many preachers say that praying for patience is one of the most dangerous prayers you can ever pray. As soon as you start, God will give you opportunities to show it.

We could all use a little more patience. Many of us struggle in this area, and yet it’s a “fruit of the spirit” so you know it’s important to God. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law” (Galatians 5:22-23).

God is incredibly patience with us. “The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance” (2 Peter 3:9). If you think about it, it’s absurd that we can require so much patience, and not be eager to return the favor to others (or even to God!).

Admittedly, I struggle from time to time in this area. I expect patience from those around me, but find myself losing it all too often.

A marriage requires patience. In my life, I know my wife has to extend more patience toward me than she needs in return. I can be set in my ways. I can say things that I shouldn’t say. I can get frustrated quicker than I should. I can avoid difficult conversations. So, to sum up, I can be a handful sometimes.

Also, our lives together require patience. We have to learn to wait on God’s timing in our lives and in our marriages. We wait on God’s timing in our family and career. And, while we wait, God strengthens our bond to each other.

“But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing” (James 1:4, NKJV).

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Comstock Images

4. Jesus

It’s easy for day-to-day life to cause us to lose sight of the one aspect of our marriage that can hold it all together and help it grow – Jesus himself. Marriage shouldn’t just be between man and wife; it should include God, the one who designed marriage in the first place.

In Shaunti Feldhahn’s book, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, she shares that 53 percent of “Very Happy Couples” agree with the statement, “God is at the center of our marriage” (compared to 7 percent of Struggling Couples).

She writes, “Highly happy couples tend to put God at the center of their marriage and focus on Him, rather than on their marriage or spouse, for fulfillment and happiness.”

When marriages hit a snag, the most likely culprit is that one or both have shifted the focus away from God. It is easy to become consumed by our work, family drama, financial obligations and more. It is easy to focus on our problems and forget the Problem-Solver.

We can even be consumed by seemingly good things, but missing out on the best thing. Our wedding ceremonies are packed with Scripture and prayer, but too many marriages don’t have room for either.

We elevate so many other things in our lives, and allow them to take the place reserved for God and Him alone.

If we put God first in every aspect of our lives, He’ll take care of the rest. “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6:33). If husband and wife are committed to following God’s will and seeking Him on a daily basis, they’ll naturally grow closer to each other.

C.S. Lewis offered this perspective: “When I have learned to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now.”

If we are better Christians, we’ll be better husbands and wives, and we’ll have a better marriage.

Photo Credit: ©Emmanuel Phaeton/Unsplash

Brent Rinehart is a public relations practitioner and freelance writer. He blogs about the amazing things parenting teaches us about life, work, faith and more at www.apparentstuff.com. You can also follow him on Twitter at @brentrinehart 

Originally published Tuesday, 14 October 2025.

It’s Normal For Parents To Lose That Spark — But You Don’t Have To

Parenthood is a beautiful whirlwind, but let’s be real—it’s normal for parents to lose that spark amid diaper changes, school runs, and endless to-do lists. As I sip my morning coffee on the deck this crisp December day in 2025, reflecting on my age milestone of 50 and the robust results from my recent DEXA scan, I’ve been thinking about how my husband and I navigated those foggy early years of parenting. Studies show that for many couples, intimacy dips significantly after kids— one poll found 58% report less frequent sex, while emotional satisfaction can drop from 67% to under 50% within 18 months postpartum. But here’s the uplifting truth: You don’t have to accept it as your forever. With intentional steps, science-backed strategies, and a dash of fun, you can reignite that passion. As we approach the holidays and New Year’s resolutions, now’s the perfect time to prioritize your relationship—think cozy winter dates and fresh starts in 2026. In this guide, we’ll explore why the spark fades, practical ways to bring it back, and even some holiday deals on products that have boosted my energy and connection. Let’s turn “normal” into extraordinary!

todaysparent.com

Platonic parenting: Why more people are having babies with friends …

Understanding Why It’s Normal For Parents To Lose That Spark

It’s normal for parents to lose that spark due to a perfect storm of exhaustion, hormonal shifts, and shifting priorities. Postpartum, women’s desire often plummets from massive hormonal changes, while partners feel frustrated and disconnected. Data reveals sex frequency declines for over half of couples after kids, with some going months without intimacy. But this isn’t a doom sentence—it’s a phase. Longitudinal studies show 20-59% of couples experience satisfaction drops of a full standard deviation or more, yet many rebound with effort. In my home gym sessions, I’ve learned that building physical strength mirrors relationship resilience—start small, stay consistent.

The Science Behind the Fade: Hormones, Habits, and Hope

Delving deeper, it’s normal for parents to lose that spark because oxytocin from parenting bonds shifts focus from romantic to familial love. Psychology Today explains how sleep deprivation spikes cortisol, killing libido. A BBC poll noted one in five parents cite kids as negatively impacting sex life. The good news? Neuroplasticity means you can rewire habits. High-DA sites like Harvard Health affirm that regular affection releases dopamine, rebuilding desire. At 50, my DEXA scan inspired hormone-balancing routines—now, we prioritize touch to keep the science on our side.

Simple Daily Rituals to Reignite Your Connection

To combat how it’s normal for parents to lose that spark, start with micro-rituals like four-minute eye gazing, which boosts oxytocin. Send flirty texts or share a morning hug—small acts reinforce bonds. Experts from Tribeca Therapy recommend scheduling “us time” daily. In our house, deck coffee chats evolved into intentional check-ins, turning routine into romance.

Cozy Date Night Ideas for Busy Parents This Holiday Season

It’s normal for parents to lose that spark, but holiday at-home dates can change that. Try a living room picnic with wine and board games—perfect for winter nights. Or stream a rom-com after bedtime. One Love suggests “every night is date night” with quick connections. I use the Oura ring, It tracks sleep so you’re energized for dates) to monitor rest for more quality time.

wellrootscounseling.com

Cozy At-Home Date Night Ideas for Parents | Therapy in Raleigh, NC

Effective Communication Tips to Deepen Emotional Intimacy

Open dialogue is key when it’s normal for parents to lose that spark. Practice “soft startups” from the Gottman Institute to discuss needs without blame. Share appreciations daily— “I love how you handled bedtime.” Positive communication rebuilds trust. For us, weaving in talks during home gym workouts keeps things flowing. Read “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman – exact edition that transformed our chats.

Self-Care Strategies to Boost Energy and Revive Desire

Self-care combats how it’s normal for parents to lose that spark by restoring personal vitality. Prioritize sleep, exercise, and alone time—my DEXA scan at 50 showed how collagen supplements my go-to for joint health, and energy for intimacy. Colorado Relationship Recovery suggests therapy to address desire mismatches. Try yoga or baths; the Oribe shampoo I use is great too.

health.clevelandclinic.org

How To Practice Self-Care as a Parent

Fun and Safe Bedroom Experiments for Tired Parents

When it’s normal for parents to lose that spark, experiment gently—try new positions or sensual massages. Psychology Today shares three ways to keep flame alive: intentional efforts like scheduling sex. Introduce toys discreetly; the book “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski —eye-opening for desire.

How Technology Can Help Maintain Your Parental Bond

Tech aids when it’s normal for parents to lose that spark—apps like Kindu for intimacy ideas or calendars for dates. But limit screens; Reddit parents share helping around house reignites passion. My Oura ring tracks stress, preventing burnout. For deeper dives, explore understanding emotional boundaries to set healthy limits.

Involving Kids in Your Relationship Revival Without Overburdening

It’s normal for parents to lose that spark, but family activities can strengthen bonds indirectly. Game nights foster laughter, spilling into couple time. School of Love suggests revitalizing passion pre-kids style. Involve kids in chores for more “us” time—our family hikes (gear from REI,  https://www.rei.com/) build unity.

When to Seek Help: Therapy and Resources for Lasting Change

If efforts stall, therapy helps—couples report reconnection post-kids. Sites like BetterHelp ( https://www.betterhelp.com/) offer accessible sessions. At my age milestone, we used it briefly—game-changer. For self-knowledge, consider cannabis as a tool for relaxation in ethical living.

Real Success Stories: Parents Who Rekindled Their Spark

From Reddit: One couple resumed after 20 months by giving space and helping out. Another via eye gazing. These tales inspire—my story: Post-DEXA, cold plunges —boosts vitality, revived ours.

Long-Term Strategies: Building a Passionate Future Together

Sustain by accepting ebbs and flows—Motherly notes ups and downs are normal. Annual retreats or check-ins keep it fresh. As 2026 approaches, resolve to prioritize—like my New Year’s home gym upgrades. For more, read four hard lessons we learn by letting go to release resentment.

parentandteen.com

makoons.com

phinitytherapy.com

In wrapping up, remember: It’s normal for parents to lose that spark, but with these tips, you can fan the flames into a lasting fire. As holidays sparkle, gift your relationship the attention it deserves for a passionate 2026.

Word Count: 1,850 (Expanded for depth.)

P.S. Struggling to keep the spark alive? Sign up for our 7-day rekindle challenge, exclusive date ideas, and product discounts—build your love toolkit today!

Related Posts

• The Four Horsemen: Contempt in Relationships – Avoid pitfalls that kill intimacy.
• Essential Tools for Long-Distance Love – Tips adaptable for parent schedules.
• Balancing Life as a Working Mom – Juggle family and romance.
• The Power of Compassionate Living – Foster empathy in partnerships.
• 4 Hard Lessons We All Learn By Letting Go in Life – Release resentment for better bonds.
• Cannabis as a Tool for Self-Knowledge and Ethical Living – Explore relaxation aids.
• How to Have a Peaceful Holiday – Keep stress low for more spark.
• Finding Calm in Everyday Moments – Mindfulness for parents.

Planning a wedding is exciting, but preparing for a marriage requires something deeper. It means having those important conversations that many couples avoid because they seem too heavy or uncomfortable. In the best case scenario these topics have come up naturally in conversation, and you have already talked about them. But if you haven’t, that’s ok. It’s not too late to have these crucial conversations that will lay a strong foundation for your long term relationship.

Why These Conversations Are Important 

Marriage isn’t just about finding someone you love – it’s about choosing someone whose vision of life aligns with yours in the ways that matter most. When couples skip these deeper discussions, they often discover fundamental differences farther down the road when changing course feels much more complicated.

These conversations aren’t about finding a partner who agrees with you on everything – that’s neither realistic nor necessary. Instead, they’re about understanding where you differ and deciding together how you’ll navigate those differences as a team.

When you discuss challenging topics now, you’re not just gathering information – you’re learning how your partner thinks, how they handle disagreement, and how willing they are to work through differences with you. Every honest conversation you have now is practice for the thousands of decisions you’ll make together as a married couple.

5 Core Premarital Conversations to Have 

1. Money

Finances can be a touchy subject, but the reality is they impact your relationship no matter what. Many couples keep their finances separate until they are married thereby avoiding discussing money issues. While it may feel uncomfortable, it is important to address money issues before getting married. Start with the basics: How do you each approach spending and saving? What financial goals matter most to you? Do you prefer to track every expense or take a more relaxed approach?

Money is a culturally taboo subject to discuss, but it symbolizes so many different things to people that it is incredibly important to talk about. It can represent freedom, pressure, independence, responsibility, obligation, and many more values and beliefs. When you can understand the deeper meaning of money for yourself and for your partner, it will make it easier to address financial issues as they come up.

Share your current financial picture honestly. Commit to ongoing financial transparency throughout your marriage. Discuss how you’ll handle major financial decisions and what level of individual financial independence you each need to feel secure.

2. Life Plans

Kids

This conversation goes far beyond “Do you want kids?” Discuss how many children you each envision, your timeline for starting a family, and what you’ll do if pregnancy doesn’t happen naturally. Talk about your parenting styles, discipline approaches, and how you’ll balance work and childcare responsibilities.

Consider the practical aspects too: Will one partner stay home, or will you both continue working? How do you feel about childcare or nannies? What role will grandparents play in your children’s lives?

If you have different views on having children, this isn’t necessarily a dealbreaker, but it requires serious discussion. Some couples find middle ground, while others realize this difference is too significant to overcome.

Careers

Your careers will significantly impact your marriage, so discuss your professional ambitions openly. Does one of you have dreams that might require relocating, extensive travel, or additional education? How do you each balance work demands with personal life?

Talk about your definitions of success and whether your goals complement each other. If you both have demanding careers, how will you prioritize your relationship when work gets stressful?

Religion and Spiritual Practices

You likely already know about your partner’s religious practices or lack thereof. Perhaps your current arrangement allows each of you to attend your individual house of workshop or celebrate different religious holidays. However, once you are married, it is difficult to independently continue in this way. There will need to be some commonality around your religious and spiritual practices as it will impact many things including  how you spend weekends and how you’ll raise children. 

If you come from different religious backgrounds, talk honestly about how you’ll handle these differences. Discuss your current beliefs, spiritual practices, and how important faith is in your daily life.

Will you attend different places of worship? How will you celebrate religious holidays? What traditions matter most to each of you?

Even if you’re both non-religious, discuss your views on spirituality, morality, and meaning in life. These conversations help you understand what gives your partner’s life purpose and direction.

Settling Down

Where do you want to live, and what kind of lifestyle do you envision? Some people dream of city apartments while others prefer suburban homes with yards. Maybe your families of origin live on opposite sides of the country. Discuss your preferences for location, housing, and community knowing that it will likely evolve in step with your relationship. 

3. Communication Styles and Conflict 

How do you each handle disagreement? Some people need time to process before discussing issues, while others prefer to talk things through immediately. Understanding your partner’s communication style prevents misunderstandings during conflict.

Discuss what felt healthy or unhealthy about conflict in your families of origin. Share what you need from your partner when you’re upset, and ask what they need from you. Do you prefer direct conversation, or do you need a gentle approach to difficult topics?

Even couples who communicate well will have conflicts, so discussing how you’ll repair your connection afterward is crucial. How do you each prefer to apologize and make amends after disagreements?

Learning to repair your connection after conflict is one of the most important skills for a lasting marriage, so understanding your different styles helps you become better at reconciliation.

Past experiences

Everyone brings their personal history into marriage, including past relationships, family experiences, and any trauma that might affect your partnership. You don’t need to share every detail, but significant experiences that might impact your marriage deserve discussion.

Talk about what you’ve learned from past relationships and how those experiences shaped your understanding of partnership. If you’ve experienced trauma, share what your partner should know to support you effectively.

This vulnerability deepens your connection and helps your partner understand your triggers, healing journey, and what you need to feel safe in your relationship.

4. Core Values, Beliefs, and Worldviews

What principles guide your major life decisions? Your core values don’t have to be identical, but they shouldn’t be fundamentally opposed. Discuss what matters most to you: honesty, family loyalty, personal growth, helping others, or achieving success.

Talk about your political views, social beliefs, and how you view the world. While you don’t need to agree on every issue, understanding your partner’s worldview helps you respect their perspective even when you disagree.

Consider how your values will influence major decisions like where to live, how to spend your time and money, and what kind of community you want to be part of.

5. Expectations, Commitment and Decision Making

How much time do you want to spend together versus with friends or pursuing individual interests? Some couples prefer to do most things together, while others need significant independence.

Discuss your social needs and how you’ll maintain friendships after marriage. Talk about your comfort level with your partner’s friends and how you’ll handle social situations where you might have different preferences. 

Balancing togetherness with individual identity is crucial for maintaining a healthy marriage, so discuss what this balance looks like for your relationship.

Even in the closest marriages, partners need some personal space and independence. Discuss what this means to each of you – perhaps it’s having your own hobbies, maintaining separate friendships, or simply having time alone to recharge. When you understand your partner’s needs it can prevent feelings of rejection in the future and helps you maintain your individual identities within the marriage.

Tips for Having These Conversations Effectively

Create a Safe Environment

Choose times when you’re both relaxed and free from distractions. These conversations work best when you’re not hungry, tired, or stressed about other things. Consider dedicating specific dates or weekend mornings to these discussions rather than trying to squeeze them into busy evenings.

Approach the conversation from a place curiosity versus a debate to be won. You are sharing a part of yourself not trying to convince your partner to change their views.

Use Open-Ended Questions

Instead of asking yes-or-no questions, use questions that invite deeper sharing. Rather than “Do you want kids?” try “How do you imagine family life?” or “What did you love about your childhood that you’d want to recreate?”

Listen to understand, not to formulate your response. Ask follow-up questions that help you understand your partner’s reasoning and feelings, not just their positions.

Seek Professional Guidance if Needed

If any of these conversations reveal significant differences or create conflict, consider meeting with a therapist to help you explore your differences and determine whether they’re manageable or relationship-ending.

Premarital counseling isn’t just for couples with problems – it’s a valuable investment in your future partnership that can strengthen your communication skills and deepen your understanding of each other.

Final Thoughts on Premarital Conversations 

The conversations should help you learn more about your partner and assess whether you are a good match long term. And don’t underestimate the power of the process. Talking through these complicated, deeply personal and sensitive subjects sets the stage for being able to trust your partner to talk about anything. Most relationships can sustain challenging, difficult times when there is a foundation of trust and friendship. Dr. Gottman’s research consistently found that deep friendship is a key predictor of long term relationship success. 

Every couple who invests in these important conversations before marriage is choosing to build their partnership on a foundation of honesty, understanding, and mutual respect. You’re not just planning a wedding – you’re preparing for a lifetime of decisions, challenges, and growth together.

Marriage is ultimately about choosing your teammate for life’s adventure. These conversations help ensure you’re choosing someone who shares your vision of what that adventure should look like and who’s committed to navigating it alongside you with love, respect, and understanding.

It’s true! Laughter is some of the best medicine. While you definitely want to experience this with your teen, this article is about you and your spouse. And oftentimes, laughter is the last thing we tend to share with one another. That and the idea that “this too shall pass”. Because it will, barring a critical issue evolving with your teenager, many of the tense moments are around smaller things that will be worked through.

Learning to laugh about them is one thing. First, we have to not take them so seriously as to redirect our angst against our spouse. That is really, really important! How do we do this? I have no idea. I just know it’s a good thing when it happens. How’s that for helpful? Keep it in the back of your mind. Try to allow your emotional reactions to dissipate in exchange for objective thinking. Don’t be afraid to cast a wink at your spouse in the height of things so you can remember to laugh later.

Raising teenagers? It’s not for the faint of heart. But it can be extremely rewarding, not just as parents, but as married couples. Join forces, brave souls! Ride into the fray with the intent not to forget the one at your side! Raise your banners high and prepare for battle! Draw your swords and—no. Fine. I’m being extreme.

The point is, we need our spouses. The last thing we want to do is damage our relationship with each other while trying to preserve our relationship with our teen. So communicate, spend time together, prioritize each other, share thoughts and emotions, and don’t criticize the other—even if they are overreacting.

And just imagine…one of these days, not long in the future, you’ll be rocking on your front porch, coffee in hand, talking about the “good ol’ days” when your phone rings, and your now adult child calls to ask you: “What do I do? My teenager is driving us nuts!”

Lack of Affection/Intimacy

Every couple experiences times when they are more affectionate and intimate with each other than others. Things like kids, jobs, and other life pressures can often affect this. However, when there is a total lack of affection or intimacy, there is a problem, and it may be helpful to seek professional help.

Communication Issues

Sometimes, couples go through periods where they have trouble communicating. One person may have a firm opinion about something, and the other party may disagree. Maybe they disagree on a certain way to parent their kids, or one party may want to go away for the weekend with friends, and the other disapproves. They simply can’t agree.

Other times, a partner is simply silent about what’s bothering them and doesn’t talk about it until it festers and becomes a big blowup. Sometimes, the emotional damage is too much to repair.

Lack of Sympathy/Respect/Trust

People in relationships go through different things, both as a couple and as individuals. Depending on what it is, the other party may respond in a way that’s unexpected.

Rebuilding trust can be very difficult when infidelity or deceit has eroded it. When a couple doesn’t respect each other, that is a good sign that a marriage is on its way to the end. A lack of sympathy in situations also indicates that something serious is going on. Marriages thrive on trust and respect, and without them, they can’t thrive.

Growing Apart

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/PeopleImages

People grow and evolve as they get older. You and your partner won’t stay the same as when you first married. This can be a positive thing if people are maturing, especially if you get married young.

Still, growing and evolving can be a bad thing, especially if you find you and your partner growing apart. If you spend more time alone doing things by yourself or that new interests cause you to spend more time with friends than you do together, your marriage is in danger.

Not Being Able to Talk through Problems

Being able to talk through problems is a big deal. When all you do is fight rather than sit down and have a rational conversation about your problems, it’s a sign that your marriage may not be salvageable.

Not Being Able to Find Resolution Post-Conflict

On the opposite side of this equation, if you can talk through your problems but not find a resolution when the conflict is over, this is also a red flag.

In order to find resolutions to conflict, both parties need to listen and offer solutions. If you can’t both offer solutions and find a resolution, chances are your marriage is over. If you discuss resolutions and one partner says they will commit to doing better but doesn’t change, things will not improve.

Avoidance

If you do anything you can to avoid your partner, this is a sign that it may be too late to save your marriage. When you go out with friends as much as you can, spend time away from your partner in the same house, or do anything else to avoid talking to or being around them, there’s a problem.

This also goes for avoiding problems that need to be addressed. Either party wants to work on fixing things, and the other doesn’t, or both parties simply avoid the issues.

Feelings of Loneliness or Resentment

Sometimes problems can fester so long you resent your partner. Things they aren’t doing, that your needs aren’t being met, or that when you talk about things, nothing changes.

This can lead you to feeling lonely and like no one understands. These feelings can lead to addictions, physical affairs, and emotional affairs. These feelings clearly indicate that your marriage may not be saved.

Feeling like You Can’t Be Yourself

One of the most important things in a relationship is the ability to be yourself. This means every facet of you, from the good to the bad to all the quirks in between. When you feel you can’t fully be yourself or be yourself safely, it’s a good sign that your marriage may not be saved.

No Emotional Connection

When you first got together, you shared everything from how your day went to your goals and dreams. If you find yourselves not asking each other about your daily lives, sharing your feelings, or talking about your aspirations for the future, there is some serious emotional detachment going on.

What if Both Parties Think It’s Worth Saving?

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Giuseppe Lombard

These are signs it’s too late to save your marriage, but what if both of you still want to try? What are some next steps?

Start with professional help. Even if you want to move heaven and earth to save your marriage, you can’t do it alone. Enlisting professional help and attending sessions together and separately is a great way to rebuild your marriage.

Commit to communication. We can’t have any kind of successful relationship if we can’t communicate. This applies to friendships, relationships with bosses and coworkers, and especially marriages. You and your partner need to commit to having open, honest communication where you will be open and honest and hear each other out. This makes a way for healing and understanding.

Commit to mutual growth. Both parties must commit to growing together and learning from their mistakes.

Set clear goals. Sit down and discuss some goals for your future and your relationship. Then, narrow it down so that those goals are crystal clear to both of you and you both know where you’re headed. Next, write down some steps to help achieve those goals, and celebrate your progress when you hit them.

Be empathetic to each other. Attempt to see each other’s perspective and be empathetic to each other. This will get you on the right track for healing old wounds and bridging gaps.

Spend quality time together. Make it a point to engage in activities you used to love to do together. Browse a bookstore, go on a hike, attend a concert, see a movie, go for a walk, etc.

Check-in regularly.As you go through therapy and rebuild your marriage, have regular check-ins with each other to discuss your progress and what needs attention.

Bring the change you want. If you want your partner to be more open in communication, do that. If you want them to be more honest about their feelings, be so about yours. Want more date nights? Plan one. Instead of telling them about the change you want, be proactive and show them.

Hug. This sounds like the most simple thing in the world, but hugs can make a world of difference. When you hug your partner, you get bursts of serotonin and dopamine, happiness hormones that make you feel closer to your partner. But don’t just hug for three seconds; a full seven minutes will help you get the best results.

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/gorodenkoff

Pray. You got married because you felt God brought you together. Pray and ask him to help you rebuild your relationship and re-solidify your marriage. Even when things look hopeless, God can do anything.

Do something different. When you were first together, everything was exciting and new. So take a trip together, hike somewhere you haven’t been before, or take a class together. It doesn’t have to be something big. Have a picnic in the living room and watch a movie. Sleep on the opposite side of the bed than you usually do. Go to dinner with friends. Anything that will shake up your routine.

Revisit your dreams. Sit down together and talk about the dreams you had when you were younger compared to now. Revamp those dreams if needed and make a dream board to visualize what you want and where you’re going. Then sit down and write out specific action steps to make those goals happen.p^p

When issues are neglected, and people grow apart, marriage can become a fragile thing. Even though the reasons above show that it’s too late to save a marriage, it doesn’t have to be this way. When both parties will work on it and seek God’s help, they can restore the marriage.

Has your marriage ever come back from the verge of separation? What signs do you think signify it’s too late to save the relationship? Join the discussion on Crosswalk Forums.

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/PeopleImages

Carrie Lowrance is a freelance writer and author. She has had her work featured on Crosswalk, iBelieve, Huffington Post, and the Penny Hoarder. She is also the author of three children’s books, three clean romance books, one romance novella, three books of poetry, and one non-fiction book. When she’s not writing, she enjoys cooking and baking, reading, and hanging out with her husband, and sweet cat, Cupcake. You can find out more about Carrie and her writing at www.carrielowrance.com.

Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna did not hold back their advice for couples wanting to keep their sex lives from getting stale.

“When you’re married for as long as we have been [or] together as long as we have, there’s a kind of shorthand you develop over the years,” Hamlin, 73, said on the Friday, June 6, episode of his and Rinna’s “Let’s Not Talk About the Husband” podcast.

Hamlin turned to Rinna, 61, asking his wife to share her thoughts on the matter.

“We’ve been together 32 years — that’s a really long time,” she explained. “Through children and through everything, you kind of have to plan it and schedule it. Especially when you [have] kids.”

Rinna shared that she and Hamlin would go to hotels to make sure they got some time to connect one-on-one.

“I think you just have to make time for it and you have to create space for it like everything else,” she said.

Hamlin added that having intimacy is a “big part” of why he and Rinna have been together for more than three decades. However, sex isn’t the only way the pair have maintained a loving bond.

“Intimacy can take a lot of different forms too,” he reflected. “It doesn’t have to be just mucking around all the time … it can be a lot of different things … Rolling in the hay isn’t the only way to show intimacy.”

Rinna added that she and Hamlin also enjoy taking spa getaways and have frequented the Two Bunch Palms spa in Palm Desert throughout their entire relationship. However, the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills alum acknowledged that every couple is different with their own respective needs.

“I think it’s always so fun to create things like whatever works for you,” she shared. “You wanna do a little dress up, little role-playing, little porn. I don’t know, I think it’s all good.”

Hamlin recalled how Rinna had a nurse costume that was discovered by their children. (The couple, who wed in 1997, share daughters Deliah, 26, and Ameilia, 23.)

Rinna explained that after welcoming Amelia, she started taking a pole dancing class.

“Lucky me!” Hamlin interjected.

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While taking the workout class, Rinna had a drawer in their guest bedroom with all of her outfits for the class plus some “big old stripper shoes.” At one point, the pair’s daughters discovered the items.

“They thought it was so funny,” Rinna recalled, “I had a couple [costumes], like a cop, a nurse, lingerie and who knows what’s in there.”

In addition to experimenting, Hamlin added that being “open” with your partner was also a key factor for a successful relationship.

“Ask them what it is they want and how they like it,” he said. “If you can get straight with that you can keep going for a long time.”

He replied that he hadn’t meant to ignore what I was saying. When the brain gets overstimulated, it tends to hear only some of the words, misinterpreting the messages it receives. This does not bode well for a happy marriage or a rich and fulfilling relationship.

However, I found myself becoming frustrated, angry, and eventually resentful because my feelings were not being heard or validated. When I realized that that was truly behind why I was getting so easily irritated at others for not hearing me, I realized there was a big difference between hearing and listening. Hearing was receiving the content of my words. ]’

However, listening involves interpretation, critical thinking, and asking clarifying questions. As we all know, we often enter relationships with preconceived notions and biases based on past experiences and relationships. However, those preconceived notions can lead us astray when it comes to clearly communicating with others, not only to convey information, but also to be understood and valued. Once I understood that there was a difference and that I needed to change the language I used to be heard, I found my relationships were healthier.

Here’s how I learned to communicate so others would listen:

I Stated My Feelings Directly

I found that as I communicated, I wanted my husband and others to guess how I was feeling. In some way, then, being able to read my mind meant that they knew me and validated who I was. However, I realized that was an unrealistic expectation in my life. It wasn’t fair for me to expect others to know not only what I was saying, but also what I was feeling and thinking. I began to express my feelings directly, stating that there was no ambiguity regarding what I felt. 

Because I’m self-aware, I was able to understand why I felt the way I did. For example, if I got easily irritated with my spouse for not meeting my needs, it was because I felt demeaned. However, when I explained explicitly that his lack of hearing and interpretation made me feel undervalued and demeaned, once he understood that was truly how I felt when he wasn’t taking the time to listen to me, I was able to rid myself of the anger and resentment. This is because I didn’t look to him to validate me. Instead, I validated my feelings by stating them directly.

I explained my reasons behind my statements. Additionally, when I was able to explain why I felt this way about this and filled in the blank, it left no room for him to misinterpret my feelings. For example, when I became easily irritated, he took it as an area for self-criticism. He then misinterpreted what I wasn’t saying, believing he wasn’t a good husband, but rather a failure, etc. 

However, when I stated directly that I felt undervalued and undermined, and then I needed him to practice his listening skills, he began to see things clearly. I often said that I loved him and that it wasn’t an indictment on him as a person. When I was able to fill in the blank and not let his feelings of failure get in the way of my result, I found that he was able to apologize more readily and change his behavior. 

I Gave Action Steps

Throughout our 25 years of marriage, we often had heated discussions that ended in simply talking about things. Rarely, however, did they ever change. This is because I never gave a specific action step to take. I often left my husband guessing as to what I wanted or how he could change. Because he didn’t know, he didn’t change. However, when I was able to tell him that, to feel more validated, I needed him to repeat back to me what he had heard, this helped me achieve the results I needed and gave him a direct answer on how to modify his actions. 

Often, we allow people to guess how they can change, but rarely do we offer a clear and concise solution to the matter. This leaves us feeling exactly the way we started. We often neglect the critical relationships in our lives because we grow tired of discussing the same issues, only to find that no change results.

When communicating, I now give an action step as to what I’d like to see done. For example, when I spoke to a loved one about their lack of interest in my life, I was able to state a direct result. I told them that I wanted them to follow up with me once a month by phone, and I promised to do the same. This helped increase our communication and enabled them to stay informed about our lives. Because the person took this step to make a phone call once a month, it showed me that they cared about me and wanted me in their life. 

Although it is tempting to take many actions, I try to limit the action steps to one or two. Even if a person takes just one baby step toward change, it shows me that I am important in their life. However, if I give them five different ways I need them to change, it’s easy for them to become defensive and feel as if they’re not a worthy person. I learned it is possible to communicate negative feelings while making the other person feel valued.

I Forgave Them

Above all, when I communicated my issues with loved ones, I stated that I was able to forgive them for their error. I was able to tell them that I didn’t hold it against them and that we could go on in a loving relationship. The shame and guilt associated with unforgiveness often prevent loved ones from changing. They usually became defensive and attacked me. However, when I was able to tell them that I forgave them, it helped me gain a better understanding not only of the grace and mercy I extended to them but also allowed them to experience the beauty of forgiveness in their own lives. 

We all do wrong to each other in relationships. No matter how hard we try to be perfect, we sometimes hurt the ones we love. However, as Scripture dictates, we are to forgive others as Christ has forgiven us. When we readily extend forgiveness to others, it becomes easier to cultivate a deeper love for one another and communicate more effectively, leading to richer relationships. 

Relationships take work. We all need to work on our communication skills, especially with those we love. Because we’re passionate about our relationships, we often can find ourselves miscommunicating and projecting our anger onto others. However, by taking the steps above, not only can we express ourselves in ways that honor God, but we can also repair broken relationships and establish good, rich communication as a result. 

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/millann

Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and host of The Spritual Reset Podcast. Her new children’s book Hall of Faith encourages kids to understand God can be trusted. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.