Mark 10:43-45

There seems to be no small amount of discussion these days about who is supposed to be leading the family, the nation, our churches, etc. And I always find this odd. If we realized what leadership really means, I don’t think we’d have the race to the “front.” Because leadership isn’t about being in the front — it’s being down at the feet, humbly washing.

In Mark 10:43-45 we see a model for true leadership. Leadership isn’t about dominance; it’s about sacrifice so that another can flourish. God’s kingdom comes through serving others, and this directly applies to how husbands lead within their marriage. We are not called to lead by force or control but by sacrificially serving. In whatever capacity God has given you to lead, you are to do it as a servant.

Servant leadership, though, isn’t about a few grand gestures; it’s a daily commitment to dying to self for the sake of another. We are to reflect the heart of Christ, who came “not to be served, but to serve.” A servant leader models Christ. And now we’ve come full-circle. The way we image God rightly in our marriages is by leading as Christ calls us to lead.

Now click here to read Surprising Things the Bible Says about Being a Wife

Related Resource: 7 Character Traits That Create Resilient Relationships

In marriage and relationships, it’s crucial to understand how to build resilient relationships. Resilience isn’t about never facing challenges; it’s about facing them, growing through them, and becoming better because of them. Not everyone who faces hardship in relationships develops resilience; many become bitter and disillusioned. Having been married for 25 years, my husband Shaun and I have faced numerous marriage problems. From infidelity and financial crises to family losses and parenting struggles, we’ve endured it all. If you’ve followed our journey, you know that these challenges have fortified our resilience in profound ways. Listen to this episode of Rebuilding Us as we discuss the seven character traits of building or rebuilding marriages and relationships of resilience. If this episode helps your marriage, be sure to subscribe to The Rebuilding Us Podcast on Apple or Spotify so you never miss an episode!

Photo credit: ©Getty Images/kieferpix

Practically speaking, it is not possible to grumble and glorify God in the same breath. If we set our minds to cultivating gratitude in our marriages, it will chase out the grumbling.

During a particularly grumbly time in my marriage, I felt the Lord impress on my heart to practice the passage from Philippians diligently. “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you” Philippians 4:8-9.

Every time my mind wanted to return to my grumble list, I would do my best to pick up my thoughts and set them on the things that were true, honorable, excellent, right, pure, lovely, good, and praiseworthy in our marriage. And there were many! But if I had let the struggles and misunderstandings have their way with me, I wouldn’t be able to see the good. I wouldn’t be capable of gratitude.

Do all things without grumbling or disputing; so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world Philippians 2:14-15

Having a grateful heart in our marriage is a specific and practical way we share our testimony with people – it makes us a light in the world!

May the Lord breathe grace and gratitude into your marriage so that you would have joy together and shine with His redeeming light for others to know Him more!

Related Resource: Why We Go to Bed Mad (And Why It’s Helped Our Marriage)

Within the Christian community, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger” is often quoted as a hard-and-fast rule for married couples to follow whenever they experience conflict. But sometimes Ted and I do go to bed mad—and surprisingly, it’s been good for our marriage. In today’s episode of Team Us, we’ll tell you why. If this episode helps your marriage, be sure to subscribe to Team Us on Apple or Spotify so you never miss an episode.

You know that moment when you’re scrolling through social media and see another engagement announcement, and you find yourself wondering: Is marriage still worth it? Maybe you’re deeply in love with your partner but questioning whether a wedding ring really changes anything. Or perhaps friends and family keep asking when you’re getting married, and you’re not sure how to answer.

In a world where couples live together for years without tying the knot, where divorce rates seem constantly debated, and where traditional relationship models are evolving, the decision to get married deserves thoughtful consideration.

Not every couple chooses marriage, but research has shown that those who build a strong foundation of friendship, navigate conflict with care, and remain committed to one another tend to form a deep connection that offers lasting comfort and support. Marriage, at its heart, is more than a ceremony or legal contract—it’s a shared framework for partnership, one that can weather life’s challenges and fully embrace its joys.

Understanding the Modern Context of Marriage

Is Marriage Still Relevant in Today’s Society?

The answer? It depends on who you ask. Relationships are deeply personal to the people who are in them.

Modern marriage has evolved from a primarily economic or social arrangement to something much more personal and intentional. Today’s couples choose marriage as a way to commit to building a life together, sharing not just resources but dreams, challenges, and growth.

Research consistently shows that married couples report higher levels of life satisfaction, better health, and more stability compared to their single counterparts. But it’s important to understand that these benefits come from the quality of the relationship, not just the legal status.

Marriage vs. Cohabitation: What’s the Real Difference Today?

The Commitment Factor: To some, marriage involves a public declaration of commitment that goes beyond personal feelings. It’s a promise made not just to each other, but to your community, your families, and yourselves that you’re in this for the long haul.

Legal and Social Recognition: Marriage provides legal protections and social recognition that cohabitation may not. From hospital visitation rights to tax benefits, there’s no denying that there are legal benefits to tying the knot.

Trends and Shifts in Marriage Attitudes

Marriage today looks different than it did even a generation ago:

• Later Marriage Age: People are waiting longer to marry, often bringing more life experience and self-awareness to their partnerships.
• Equality Focus: Modern marriages emphasize partnership equality, with both spouses contributing to household management, childcare, and financial responsibilities.
• Intentional Choice: Rather than following social expectations, today’s couples choose marriage deliberately, often after careful consideration and preparation.

Why Get Married Today: 8 Powerful Reasons

1. Deep Emotional Bond and Commitment

When you make the commitment to marry each other, you’re not just saying “I love you”—you’re saying “I choose to keep loving you, even when it’s difficult.” There is more commitment to working on the relationship when times get tough because there is so much more at stake. And every relationship takes intentional work to be successful, so the challenging times are an opportunity to deepen connection.

In a longitudinal study of 130 newlywed couples, Gottman found that commitment to the relationship—defined as a decision to invest in the relationship even during hard times—was one of the strongest predictors of marital stability and satisfaction over the years.

2. Financial Advantages

Marriage in the United States provides significant financial benefit that can impact your life in meaningful ways:

• Joint tax filing (often resulting in tax savings)
• Automatic inheritance rights
• Social Security survivor benefits
• Health insurance coverage options
• Joint ownership of property and assets

The reality is that these factors remove some of the financial pressures of today’s world and offer distinct advantages for married couples.

3. Legal and Health Benefits

In the United States there exists a bias towards married couples. They are afforded certain privileges that are more difficult for non married committed partners to access. Marriage provides crucial healthcare rights that unmarried partners often find harder to obtain:

• Hospital visitation and medical decision-making rights
• Access to partner’s health insurance
• Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) benefits
• Rights to medical information and treatment decisions

4. Stronger Family Structure for Raising Children

While you certainly don’t need to be married to be good parents, children can benefit from the stability that marriage can provide.

Research has found that on average, children in households with married biological parents experience more stability (fewer household transitions) than those in cohabiting households, and that stability is linked to better outcomes for children.

However, the benefits are strongly tied to relationship quality, not marriage status alone. Children in high-conflict marriages may fare worse than those raised by cooperative, separated parents.

Brown et al., (2009) found that happily married couples with healthy communication and conflict resolution skills tend to stay together longer, providing more consistent family structure, as well as pool resources more effectively for children’s needs (Kenney, C.T. 2004).

5. Long-Term Security and Stability

In our uncertain world, marriage can provide a foundation of stability that helps you weather life’s inevitable storms.

This security can potentially show up in these ways:

• Emotional security: Knowing someone is committed to you through good times and bad
• Financial security: Combined resources and shared financial planning
• Social security: A built-in support system and advocate
• Future security: Someone to grow old with and care for you

6. Religious or Spiritual Fulfillment

Across many religions, marriage is more than a legal union—it is a sacred covenant. It represents a lifelong commitment made before God, rooted in love, mutual respect, and shared purpose. Whether seen as a promise, duty, or spiritual partnership, marriage serves as a framework for deep connection, guiding couples to support one another through happiness and challenge. It can represent:

• A sacred covenant blessed by your faith community
• An opportunity to live out spiritual values of love, commitment, and service
• A way to honor your religious traditions and values
• A foundation for raising children within your faith tradition

7. Tax and Estate Planning Advantages

In some countries, marriage provides significant financial planning advantages that can benefit you throughout your lives and beyond:

Benefit Type	Marriage Advantage
Tax Filing	Joint filing often reduces overall tax burden
Estate Planning	Automatic inheritance rights, no estate tax between spouses
Retirement Benefits	Access to spouse’s Social Security and pension benefits
Gift Tax	Unlimited gifts between spouses without tax implications
Property Rights	Joint ownership and community property protections

8. Psychological Wellbeing and Reduced Loneliness

Research consistently shows…

• People in high-quality, happy marriages report lower levels of depression and anxiety than those in unhappy marriages or those who are divorced.

• High-quality marriages are linked to better immune functioning. 

• High-quality marriages are associated with lower loneliness Hawkley, L.C., & Cacioppo, J.T. (2010)and greater social support, which are both important for mental and physical health.

The key word here is “happily.” Marriage itself doesn’t guarantee these benefits, but a good marriage can significantly enhance your mental and physical health.

Common Misconceptions About Marriage Today

Marriage Is Just a Piece of Paper

This is one of the most common misconceptions about marriage, and it misses the deeper significance of what that “piece of paper” represents.

Yes, a marriage certificate is a legal document. But it’s also:

• Legal protection for your partnership
• A symbol of your choice to prioritize this relationship
• A framework for building a shared life together

Marriage Is Only for Religious People

While many people choose to marry within a religious context, marriage is fundamentally a human institution that transcends religious boundaries.

• Civil ceremonies can be deeply personal and significant
• Many couples create their own rituals and traditions
• The commitment and legal benefits remain the same regardless of religious involvement
• You can honor your own values and beliefs within marriage, whether religious or not

Marriage Doesn’t Work Anymore

This misconception often stems from looking at divorce statistics without context.

Here’s what the research actually shows:

The key isn’t whether marriage “works”—it’s whether you and your partner are willing to do the work that makes marriage successful.

When Marriage Might Not Be the Right Choice

Avoid Marriage for the Wrong Reasons

Marriage should be entered thoughtfully, not rushed into for the wrong reasons. Consider whether you might be considering marriage because of:

External Pressure:

• Family expectations or pressure
• Cultural or social expectations
• Feeling like you “should” be married by a certain age
• Friends getting married around you

Practical Convenience:

• Health insurance benefits
• Tax advantages
• Easier living arrangements
• Visa or immigration status

Fear-Based Reasons:

• Fear of being alone
• Fear of losing your partner
• Fear of missing out
• Pressure from a partner threatening to leave

While these factors might be considerations, they shouldn’t be your primary motivation for marriage.

Signs You May Not Be Ready for Marriage

Be honest with yourself about your readiness. You might want to wait if:

• You’re hoping marriage will fix problems in your relationship
• You haven’t had important conversations about future goals, finances, and values
• You’re dealing with significant personal issues (addiction, untreated mental health challenges, major life transitions) that need attention first
• You feel pressured into marriage rather than genuinely excited about it
• You and your partner handle conflict very poorly and haven’t developed better communication skills
• You have significant doubts about your compatibility or your partner’s character

Remember: There’s no rush. Taking time to prepare for marriage is always better than rushing into it unprepared.

How to Know If Marriage Is Right for You Today

Checklist: Are You and Your Partner Marriage-Ready?

Communication and Conflict Resolution:

• You can discuss difficult topics without attacking each other
• You both listen to understand, not just to respond
• You repair well after arguments
• You feel heard and respected by your partner

Shared Values and Goals:

• You agree on major life goals (children, career, lifestyle)
• You share similar values about money, family, and priorities
• You support each other’s individual dreams and goals
• You both want marriage for positive reasons

Individual Readiness:

• You know yourself well and are comfortable with who you are
• You can be happy and fulfilled as an individual
• You choose your partner rather than feeling you need them
• You’re prepared for the responsibilities of marriage

Practical Considerations:

• You’ve discussed finances openly and honestly
• You’ve talked about household responsibilities and expectations
• You’ve considered how you’ll handle extended family relationships
• You’ve discussed your hopes and concerns about marriage

Seeking Counseling or Guidance

Consider pre-marital counseling or guidance if you:

• Want to strengthen your communication skills
• Have concerns or questions about your relationship
• Come from very different backgrounds or families
• Have experienced significant challenges in your relationship
• Want to give your marriage a strong foundation

Pre-marital counseling can help you:

• Identify and address potential areas of conflict
• Learn effective communication and conflict resolution skills
• Clarify expectations and goals for marriage
• Strengthen your emotional connection and intimacy

Remember, seeking help before problems arise is a sign of wisdom, not weakness.

Final Thoughts: Why Get Married Today?

Marriage as a Modern Act of Love and Partnership

In today’s world, choosing marriage is a powerful statement. It’s a way to say, “Despite all the challenges and uncertainties in life, I choose a life with you.”

It’s not about following tradition for tradition’s sake. Marriage is about creating a partnership that honors both your individual identities and your shared dreams. It’s about choosing love not just as a feeling, but as a daily commitment to showing up for each other.

Marriage is a deeply personal choice. For some, it’s the right path to deepen commitment and build a shared future. For others, love and partnership thrive outside of marriage—and that’s just as valid and beautiful. What matters most is that the relationship you build reflects your values, your vision, and your unique connection.

Embracing a Fulfilling Future Together

The question isn’t whether marriage is perfect—no relationship is. The question is whether you and your partner are ready to commit to growing together, supporting each other through life’s seasons, and building something meaningful together.

If you’ve found someone who makes you want to be your best self, who shares your vision for the future, and who you can genuinely say you want to grow old with, then marriage might be one of the most beautiful adventures you’ll ever embark on.

After studying more than 3,000 couples in his Love Lab, Dr. John Gottman has discovered that the most important issue in marriage is trust.

Can I trust you to be there for me when I’m upset?

Can I trust you to choose me over your friends?

Can I trust you to respect me?

Couples that trust each other understand that a good marriage doesn’t just happen on its own. It needs to be cultivated.

These couples express appreciation for each other. They brag about each other’s talents and achievements. They say “I love you” every day.

Even in the heat of conflict, they consider the other’s perspective. They are able to empathize with each other, even when they don’t agree, and they are there for each other during times of illness or stress.

They understand that the grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence. As Neil Barringham says, “The grass is greener where you water it.”

Building trust

Trust is built in very small moments. In any interaction, there is a possibility of connecting with your partner or turning away from your partner.

One single moment is not that important, but if you’re consistently choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in a relationship—very gradually and very slowly.

When this happens, the story of your relationship begins to turn negative. You begin to focus on your partner’s flaws. You forget about their traits you admire and value.

Eventually you start making what researcher Caryl Rusbult calls “negative comparisons.” You start to compare your spouse to someone else, real or imagined, and you think, “I can do better.”

Once you start thinking that you can do better, then you begin a cascade of not committing to the relationship, of trashing your partner instead of cherishing them, and building resentment rather than gratitude.

Behavioral economist Dan Ariely explains this phenomenon in dating.

5 ways to invest in your relationship

Building trust and commitment requires intentional effort. Here are fives ways to invest in your relationship.

Turn Towards Bids for Connection

Bids are the building blocks of lasting love. In one study of newlywed couples in Dr. Gottman’s lab, couples that stayed together turned towards each other 86% of the time, whereas couples that eventually divorced only did it 33% of the time. That’s a big difference.

When bids fail, as they inevitably do in all relationships, seek to repair. Remember that repair attempts are the secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples.

Flip Your Internal Script

Negative thoughts cause you to miss 50% of your partner’s bids, according to research by Robinson and Price. This makes it difficult to build trust.

Learn to separate specific relationship problems from the overall view of your partner. Make an intentional effort to replace negative thoughts with compassion and empathy.

Ritualize Cherishing

The best way to keep yourself from making “negative comparisons” is to actively cherish your partner. Get in the habit of thinking positive thoughts about each other rather than thoughts about someone else.

Think about the things you appreciate about your partner and tell them. Thanks for being so adventurous with me. You’re such an amazing cook. You’re such a great dad.

Learn to Fight Smarter

Happy couples complain without blame by talking about what they feel and what they need, not what they don’t need. They are gentle and they give their partner a recipe to be successful with them.

Schedule a weekly State of the Union meeting to discuss areas of concern in your relationship.

Create We Time

It’s easy to find excuses for not dedicating time for your relationship. We’re too busy. We work a lot. We’re always with the kids.

Find time go on dates, ask each other open-ended questions, and continue to create rituals of connection that allow you to connect emotionally. It’s the best investment you’ll ever make.

We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. Choose each other, day after day.

Staying connected when life gets full is really hard. I want to be my husband’s best friend, but that is really hard to do when we work, our kids play sports, and we have a big family that requires a lot of time and attention. A lot of days, we barely make it to the end of the day sane, and we are so tired we have no space left to love each other well.

Yet, if we don’t make time to talk and support each other, we find that we quite quickly go from ships passing in the night to ships at war with each other. The narrative goes from “they are too busy to talk to me” to “they don’t love or value me. They don’t see me. I don’t even know them. Why am I married when the person I love doesn’t even know me?”

Marriage takes work and intentionality to be there for each other. We have to make time to share what’s on our minds, pray with each other, and just enjoy each other. If we don’t prioritize each other, the enemy will quickly take advantage of our possibly unintentional disconnection and make it a reason to grow more and more divided as a couple.