The most important decision you will ever make is what to do with the time given to you.

I recently received a thank you email from a reader named Hope. She said our work helped motivate her through an arduous recovery process following a serious car accident last year. Although her entire story is both heartbreaking and inspiring, this one line made me pause and think:

“The happiest moment of my life is still that split-second a year ago when, as I laid crushed under a 2000 pound car, I realized my husband and 9-year-old boy were out of the vehicle and absolutely OK.”

Dire moments like this force us to acknowledge what’s truly important to us. In Hope’s case it was her husband and son. And in the remainder of her email she talks about how her family spends significantly more time together now, sharing daily stories, telling little jokes, and appreciating each other’s company. “The accident made us realize how much time and joy we had been wasting every day on things that weren’t even important, which prevented us from spending quality time with each other,” she said.

It’s hard to think about a story like Hope’s and not ask yourself: What do I need to stop wasting my time and joy on today?

Here are some things to consider that I’ve been examining in my own life:

1. Distractions that pull you away from moments with important people.

Pay attention to the little things today, because when you really miss someone you miss the little things the most, like just laughing together. Go for long walks. Indulge in great conversations. Count your mutual blessings. Let go for a little while and just be together.

2. Compulsive busyness.

Schedule time every day to not be busy. Have dedicated downtime — clear points in the day to reflect, rest, and recharge. Don’t fool yourself; you’re not so busy that you can’t afford a few minutes of sanity every day. Over the past decade, Marc and I have gradually learned to pay more attention to the beauty and practicality of living a simpler life. A life uncluttered by most of the default busyness people fill their lives with, leaving us with space for what’s truly meaningful. A life that isn’t constant rushing, worrying and stress, but instead contemplation, creation, and connection with the people and projects that matter most to us.

3. Thinking negatively about your abilities.

Just because you’re struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing. Every great success requires some type of worthy struggle to get there. And don’t wish away all your days waiting for better ones ahead. Just appreciate where you are. You’ve come a long way, and you’re still learning and growing. Be thankful for the lessons. Take them and make the best of things right now.

4. The needless drama around you.

A big part of maturity is learning to gracefully walk away from situations that threaten your peace of mind, self-respect, values, morals, or self-worth. Practice letting go gradually. Remind yourself that you don’t need to attend every argument you’re invited to. Give yourself the space to value your time, genuine relationships, and peace of mind, above all in the weeks ahead. Because little else will matter more in the long run.

5. The desire for everything you don’t have.

No, you won’t always get exactly what you want, but also remember that there are lots of people who will never have what you have right now. Some of the things you take for granted someone else is praying for. Happiness never comes to those who don’t appreciate what they already have. So remind yourself: You did not go to sleep hungry last night. You had a choice of what to wear today. You have access to clean drinking water. You have access to the internet. You can read. The secret to being grateful is no secret. You choose to be grateful, for the little things.

6. Comparing yourself to everyone else.

Social comparison is a notorious thief of daily joy and progress. You could literally spend a lifetime worrying about what others have, but it wouldn’t get you anything worth having. Do your best to keep your comparison tendencies in check.

7. Obsessing over who you were or what you had in the past.

You’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or a week ago. You’re always evolving and growing. Experiences don’t stop… that’s life, and it’s a privilege!

8. Worrying about old mistakes.

It’s OK if you mess up in life — that’s how you get wiser. Give yourself a break. Great things take time, and you’re getting there. Let your mistakes be your motivation, not your excuses. Decide right now that yesterday’s little mistakes and frustrations won’t get in your way today.

9. Worrying about what everyone thinks of you.

Don’t take things too personally, even if it seems personal. Rarely do people do things because of you; they do things because of them. You honestly can’t change how people treat you or what they say about you. All you can do is change how you react and who you choose to be around. And remember that one of the most freeing things we learn in life is that we don’t have to like everyone, everyone doesn’t have to like us, and that’s perfectly OK. Because no matter how you live, someone will be disappointed. So just live your truth and be sure YOU aren’t the one who is disappointed in the end.

10. Self-deception.

Your life will improve only when you take small chances. And the first and most difficult chance you can take every day is to be honest with yourself.

11. Routines that don’t feel rewarding.

Life is to be enjoyed, not endured. When you truly believe in what you’re doing, it shows and it pays in the long run. Success in life is for those who put their heart and soul into their daily efforts. And as you struggle, remember, it’s far better to be exhausted from little bits of effort and learning, than it is to be tired of doing absolutely nothing.

12. Everyone else’s definition of success and happiness.

You simply can’t base your idea of success and happiness on other people’s opinions and expectations. And likewise, don’t judge someone else just because they do it differently than you. The world is changed by your example, not by your opinions and judgments.

13. People who keep trying to manipulate you.

In many cases, what you allow is what will continue. Give as much as you can, but don’t allow yourself to be continuously used. Listen to others closely, but don’t lose your own voice in the process. Set some boundaries when you must! (Note: Marc and I discuss this in detail in the Boundaries & Expectations chapter of “1,000 Little Habits of Happy, Successful Relationships”.)

14. Doubting and second-guessing yourself.

Remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can, and that sometimes it takes an overwhelming series of little breakdowns to have an undeniable breakthrough. When in doubt just take the next small step. Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Truly, there’s a time and place for everything, and every step is necessary. Just do your best right now, and don’t force what’s not yet supposed to fit into your life. It will happen, when it’s time.

15. Thinking the perfect time will come.

Some people wait all day for 5pm, all week for Friday, all year for the holidays, all their lives for happiness. Don’t be one of them! You can’t always wait for the perfect moment. Sometimes you must dare to do it because life is too short to wonder what could have been, again and again.

16. Avoidance and temporary fixes.

You can’t change what you refuse to fully confront. You can’t find peace or progress by avoiding things. Deal with problems directly before they deal with your long-term happiness and potential. Build sustainable habits that move your life forward, one day at a time.

17. Resentment.

Kindness is not to be mistaken for weakness, nor forgiveness for acceptance. It’s about knowing that resentment is not on the path to long-term happiness.

18. Hateful thoughts and gestures.

Set an example. Treat everyone with kindness and respect, even those who are rude to you — not because they are nice, but because you are. And do it for yourself too! What goes around comes around. No one has ever made themselves strong by showing how small someone else is.

19. Close-minded judgments.

The mind is like a parachute; it doesn’t work when it’s closed. So build friendships with people who aren’t your age. Spend time around those whose first language is different than your own. Get to know someone who doesn’t come from the same social class. Listen. Be humble and teachable. This is how you learn. This is how you see the world.

20. Trying to control the uncontrollable.

You can’t calm the storm. What you can do is calm yourself, and the storm will eventually pass. The most powerful and practical changes happen when you decide to take control of what you do have power over, instead of craving control over what you don’t.

Now it’s your turn!

Yes, it’s your turn to treat your limited time today with care. It’s your turn to make room for more joy. Because there’s a big difference between empty fatigue and gratifying exhaustion at the end of the day…

But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this post. Your feedback is important to us.

Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

Your thoughts can carry you. But weak thoughts don’t have the strength to carry you far.

Attaching to the wrong nagging thoughts and acting on them is one of the most common barriers to living a relatively happy life. If you allow these thoughts to dwell for too long, they will succeed in robbing you of peace, joy, and your overall effectiveness on a daily basis. You will think yourself into endless disappointment and frustration. And make no mistake about it, when you are continuously feeling frustrated on an average day, the battle you are going through isn’t fueled directly by the words or actions of others, and it isn’t fueled directly by what did or didn’t happen in the past either. It’s fueled primarily by your mind that gives negativity a daily stage to shout from. In a very real sense, you are what you think — you can’t change anything if you can’t change your thinking.

But are you ready for the silver lining?

You can change the way you think!

And when you change the way you think, you can gradually master a new way to be.

So today we’re going to take a look at five common negative thought patterns, along with some effective methods for breaking these nagging patterns and re-training your inner voice. These are the same methods we’ve successfully used with our course students and coaching clients over the past 15 years. But first, let’s examine a fundamental error in judgment negative thinkers tend to make:

People who are habitual negative thinkers are often proud to describe themselves as “realists.” Of course, anyone who holds a strong belief thinks they are being “realistic” by holding it, whether it involves alien encounters, perfectly truthful politicians, or otherwise.

The “being realistic” pronouncement is a common favorite among cynics everywhere. And in a way they are correct. But only because negative thinking causes the human mind to give up on everything — to not even try, or to give a disorganized, half-hearted effort — so the negativity itself influences the end result. Self-fulfilling predictions like this really do happen. Research even suggests that in some cases what we believe about our health can have more bearing on how long we live than our actual physical health.

So why do we as human beings do this to ourselves?

Because thinking negatively, expecting the worst, seeing the downside of positive situations, and even downright expecting failure, all convey a kind of backwards-thinking, emotional insurance policy. It happens subconsciously and it goes something like, “If I expect a catastrophe, then I won’t be quite as disappointed when it takes place.”

What makes all of this so alarming is the fact that it means negative thoughts can plague us even when life is going relatively well. For instance, the thought “This is way too good to last!” quickly wreaks havoc on a positive situation. Thus, the thoughts and methods discussed below have to do with how negative thinking distorts our perception of reality, oftentimes constantly on a daily basis.

It’s time to bring awareness to and re-evaluate…

1. Those nagging thoughts that make us exaggerate the negative (and minimize the positive).

Ask yourself: “If something negative unexpectedly happens, do I over-generalize it? Do I view it as applying to everything and being permanent rather than compartmentalizing it to one place and time?”

For example, if someone rejects you or turns you down for a date, do you spread the negativity beyond that person, time, and place by telling yourself, “I’m just not good at relationships — they never work out for me, ever”? If you fail an exam do you say to yourself, “Well I failed that exam; I’m not happy about it, but I’ll study more next time”? Or do you over-generalize it by telling yourself you’re “not smart enough” or “incapable of learning”?

Remember, negative thinking stops us from seeing and experiencing positive outcomes even when they happen often. It’s as if there’s a special mental block filtering out all the positives and only letting in data that confirms the negative biases we have. So do your very best to catch yourself starting today.

Being able to distinguish between the negativity you imagine and what is actually happening in your life is an important step towards living a happier, healthier life. (Note: Marc and I discuss this more in the Happiness & Inspiration chapters of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

2. Those nagging thoughts that motivate us to ignore the grey areas between life’s extremes.

Life simply isn’t black or white — 100% of this or 100% of that — all or nothing. Thinking in extremes like this is a fast way to daily misery, because it basically views any situation that’s less than perfect as being bad. For example:

• Rather than the rainstorm slowing down my commute back home from the office, instead “it wasted my whole evening and ruined the night!”
• Rather than just accepting the nervousness of meeting a new group of people, “I know these people are not going to like me!”

Since 99% of all situations in life are less than perfect, “all or nothing” thinking tends to make us focus on the negatives — the drama, the failures, and the worst-case scenarios. Sure catastrophes occur on occasion, but contrary to what you may see on the evening news, most of life occurs in a grey area between the extremes of bliss and total devastation.

3. Those nagging thoughts that have us looking for negative signs from others.

Our negativity leads us to quickly jump to negative conclusions about the unknown, which can be especially harmful in our relationships. We are provoked to interpret something another person does as being negative, even when we have been given absolutely no indication of what the other person is thinking. For instance, “She hasn’t called so she must not want to talk to me,” or, “He only said that to be nice, but he doesn’t really mean it.” When we jump to conclusions like this, we only cause ourselves and others unnecessary pain, stress, and frustration.

So if someone says one thing, don’t assume they mean something else. If they say nothing at all, don’t assume their silence has some concealed negative connotation. Assigning meaning to a situation before you have the whole story makes you more likely to believe that the uncertainty you feel (based on lack of knowing) is a negative sign.

On the flip-side, holding off on assigning meaning to an incomplete story helps the mind overcome it’s negative thinking patterns. When you think more positively, or simply more clearly about the facts, you’ll be able to evaluate all the possible reasons you can think of, not just the negative ones. In other words, you’ll be doing more of: “I don’t know why she hasn’t called yet, but maybe… she’s actually extremely busy at work today.”

4. Those nagging thoughts that keep triggering us, again and again.

To change your thought patterns it helps to have a crystal-clear understanding of what you’re often thinking about and why. When a familiar negative thought arises in your mind, instead of ignoring it, pay closer attention and then record it for later evaluation. For example, if you’re sitting at your desk and you catch yourself ruminating about something negative, pause and write it down immediately. Get that raw thought out of your head and down on paper — just a short sentence or two that honestly depicts the specific thought that’s presently troubling you:

“I’m not good enough for the job I’m applying for because I don’t have enough experience.”

Then, identify what triggered the thought. Again, be brief and specific:

“I’m new to the industry, and therefore I’m feeling out of my comfort zone on most days.”

At the very least, this process of evaluating your negative thoughts and their underlying triggers helps bring a healthy, objective awareness to the sources of your negative thought patterns, which ultimately allows you to shift your mindset and take the next positive step forward.

5. Those nagging thoughts about never being good enough.

All journeys of positive change begin with a goal and the determination needed to achieve it. However, what do you think happens when you are too determined, or too obsessed, with a goal? You begin to nurture another belief: who you are right now is not good enough.

A few months ago, one of our course students had become overly obsessive in her efforts to meditate. As her interest in meditation grew, she began to increasingly say to herself, “I am not good enough,” and, “I have to be better at this.” She began to notice various imperfections within herself that needed to be “fixed.”

In a nutshell, her over-the-top efforts to meditate for extensive periods of time had opened the doors to lots of unexpected self-criticism and stress. Thankfully, with a little coaching from Marc and me, she eventually realized her obsession toward meditation had made her forget one of the basic objectives of meditation — acceptance.

So the bottom line is this: you have to accept yourself as you are, and then commit to personal growth. If you think you are absolutely “perfect” already, you will not make any positive efforts to grow. But, constantly criticizing yourself is just as counterproductive as doing nothing, because you will never be able to build new positive changes into your life when you’re obsessively focused on your flaws.

The key is to remind yourself that you already are good enough; you just need more practice. Change your mantra from, “I have to be better,” to, “I will do my absolute best today.” The second mantra is far more effective, because it actually prompts you to take positive action at any given moment while simultaneously accepting the reality that every effort may not be perfect.

Being able to distinguish between healthy striving and self-criticism on your journey is a critically important step towards living a happier and more successful life.

Now it’s your turn…

There’s a quote I’ve always loved that’s often credited to Ignatius: “Pray as if God will take care of all; act as if all is up to you.” That’s such a strong way to live! To me, it’s about using your faith to fuel positive thinking and positive action on the daily. I sincerely strive for this in my own life, and I sincerely wish this for YOU.

The five points covered above are solid starting points for unraveling your negative thinking patterns. The goal is to gradually get your thoughts based more in reality, detached from needless drama and confusion, and focused on the next positive step forward. Challenge yourself to work on it!

But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Which one of the points above resonated the most today?

Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

You ultimately become what you repeatedly do. If your daily habits aren’t helping you, they’re hurting you. Here are some fairly common and widespread examples of the latter that will drain all your joy and inner peace if you let them:

1. Focusing on how life “should” be every step of the way.

Try to use frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life. Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remember that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance. A small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, while the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. Where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt.

2. Wanting to control the uncontrollable.

Be selective with your energy today. If you can fix a problem, fix it. If you can’t, then accept it and change your thoughts about it. Whatever you do, don’t attempt to invest more energy than you have, tripping over something behind you or something that only exists inside your head. Truth be told, some of the most powerful moments in life happen when you find the courage to let go of what can’t be changed. Because when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself — to grow beyond the unchangeable. And that changes everything.

3. Holding tightly to the way things once were.

You’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or even a week ago. You’re always learning and growing, and life is always evolving. Again, even though you can’t control everything that happens, you can control your attitude about what happens. And in doing so, you will gradually master change rather than allowing it to master you. So be humble today. Be teachable. The world is often bigger than your view of the world. There’s always room for a fresh idea or a next step. But first you must accept the fact that things may never go back to how they used to be, and that this ending is really a new beginning.

4. Refusing to practice self-forgiveness.

Forgive yourself for the bad decisions you’ve made in the past, for the times you lacked understanding, for the choices that accidentally hurt others and yourself. Forgive yourself, for being young and reckless. These are all vital lessons. And what matters most right now is your willingness to grow from them. (Note: Angel and I discuss this further in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

5. Endlessly settling for the default settings.

There are thousands of people who live their entire lives on the default settings, never acknowledging the fact that they can customize everything. Don’t be one of them — don’t settle for the default settings on a daily basis. Don’t hide behind indecision or laziness either. And forget popularity! Just do your thing with passion, humility, and honesty. Do what you do, not for an applause, but because it’s what’s right. Pursue it a little bit each day, no matter what anyone else thinks. That’s how dreams are achieved.

6. Resisting new ideas and lessons.

To make real progress in the long run you must let go of the assumption that you already have all the answers. So don’t stop learning! Don’t stop investing in yourself. Research. Read. Devour books. Engage with people, including those who think differently. Ask questions. Listen closely. And don’t just grow in knowledge. Be a person who gives back. Use what you’re learning to make a real and lasting difference. (Note: “The Good Morning Journal” is a great tool for noticing and keeping track of all your lessons learned.)

7. Constantly seeking fleeting contentment.

There are two variations of contentment in life — fleeting and enduring. The fleeting type is derived from instants of material comfort, while the enduring type is attained through the gradual growth and progress on matters that are truly important to you. At a quick glimpse it might be difficult to decipher one from the other, but as time rolls on it becomes vividly obvious that the latter is far superior. So just remember, if it entertains you now but will hurt or bore you someday, it’s a distraction. Don’t settle. Don’t exchange what you want most for what you kinda want at the moment. Study your routines. Figure out where your time goes, and remove distractions. It’s time to focus more on what matters in the long run.

8. Always worrying about everyone else’s story.

Don’t be so satisfied with the success stories of others and how things have gone for them, that you forget to write your own. Unfold your own tale and bring it to life on a daily basis. You have everything you need to become what you are capable of becoming. Incredible change happens when you decide to make yourself a priority. And remember, you won’t always be a priority to others, and that’s why you have to be a priority to yourself. Learn to respect yourself, take care of yourself, and become a daily part of your own support system. This means consuming less and creating more. It means refusing to let others do your thinking, talking, and deciding for you. It means learning to embrace and use your ideas and instincts to write your passage, one day at a time.

9. Fearing little (necessary) failures.

Sometimes we literally have to fail dozens of times to succeed. And no matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn’t trying. So don’t get so hung up on a few failed attempts that you miss the opening for a hundred more opportunities. All of your ideas that don’t work are simply stepping stones to the one idea that does. And remember, failure is not falling down; failure is staying down when you have the choice to get back up. Always get back up! Oftentimes good things fall apart in the near term so better things can fall together in the end.

10. Waiting for the “perfect” moment to take the next step.

Don’t buy into the myth of the perfect moment. Moments aren’t perfect, they’re what you make of them. So many people wait around for the stars to align to do what they’re here to do. The perfect moment, the perfect opportunity, the perfect state of being, etc. Wake up! Don’t “wait” away the vast majority of your life! Remind yourself that too many people wait all day for 5pm, all week for Friday, all year for the holidays, all their lives for happiness. And you don’t be one of them. Ultimately, you will come to succeed not by finding a perfect moment, but by learning to see and use life’s imperfections as stepping stones.

An Exercise for Building Better Daily Habits

If you feel a like you’ve wasted too much time, joy, and peace on one or more of the points above, this quick actionable closing exercise is for YOU.

Choose any area in your life that you want to improve, and then:

1. Write down the specific details about your current circumstances. (What’s bothering you? Where are you stuck? What do you want to change?)
2. Write down your answer to this question: What are the daily habits that have contributed to your current circumstances? (Be honest with yourself. What are you doing regularly that actually contributes to the situation you’re in?)
3. Write down a few specific details about the “better circumstances” you’d like to create for yourself. (What would make you happy? What does an improved situation look like for you?)
4. Write down your answer to this question: What are the daily habits that will get you from where you are to where you want to be? (Think about it. What small, daily steps will help you gradually move forward from point A to point B?)

Now it’s your turn…

Yes, it’s your turn to not fall back into your old patterns of living today simply because they’re more comfortable and easier to access. It’s your turn to remember that you’re leaving certain habits and situations behind for a reason: to improve your life — because you can’t move forward if you keep going back. And it’s undoubtedly your turn to reclaim your inner peace and joy, and make your time count going forward!

But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Which one of the points above resonated the most today?

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

Photo by: Georges Petrequin