Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is simply believing you’re worthy of the trip.

“Life hasn’t been the easiest on me lately. I won’t get into all the details now, but the tough times I’ve been living through have left me with many cracks. And although I’ve still managed to be a reasonably successful person, on most days I struggle desperately with my self-confidence. I just don’t feel good enough. I feel flawed. I feel like my cracks make me undesirable…”

Those are the opening lines of an email I received recently from a new reader of our blog. I’m sharing that excerpt today, with permission, because Marc and I have spoken to hundreds of other readers, clients, and live event attendees over the past 15 years who struggle in a very similar way. In fact, almost all of us struggle with not feeling “good enough” at various points throughout our lives.

If you can relate right now — if today is one of those days — it’s time for a quick wake-up call and story about life:

We all have a few cracks.

Once upon a time there was an elderly woman who needed to walk down to the river every morning to fetch water for drinking, cooking and cleaning. She carried two buckets with her, filled them up at the riverbank, and walked back with them to her rural cottage home.

One of the buckets was newer, perfectly sealed, and held its water flawlessly. But the second bucket was older and contained a few thin cracks that would leak water onto the ground as the elderly woman walked. By the time she arrived home, typically about one third of the water in the second bucket had leaked through its cracks.

One day, on the walk down to the river, the cracked bucket — who had always felt like it wasn’t as good as the other bucket – said to the elderly woman, “I want you to know that I’ve been leaking water every morning for the past several years. I’m so sorry for being cracked and making your life more difficult. I understand if you need to replace me with a better bucket.”

The elderly woman smiled. “Do you really think I haven’t known about your cracks this whole time?” she asked. “Look at all the beautiful flowers that grow on the path from my cottage to the river. I planted their seeds, but every morning it’s you who does the watering.”

Remember:

Feeling good enough in life, in work, in business, and in our relationships has everything to do with how we personally judge the cracks in our own bucket. Because we all have a few cracks!

But are they cracks that wreck us, that taint us, and that ruin our experience and desirability?

Or do our cracks water a trail of flowers we haven’t even stopped to appreciate?

Let this be your wake-up call!

Choose to see the flowers through the cracks in your own bucket — choose to see how it’s exactly those cracks that make you good enough — and your whole universe will shift!

Now it’s your turn…

Yes, it’s your turn to take a deep breath when you need one. Sometimes the pressure coming from peers, family, work, and society in general is enough to make us feel less than “good enough.” If we don’t have the “right” job, relationship, house, and so forth by a certain age or time frame, we assume we’re flawed — cracked! Again, Marc and I hear about this kind of self-defeating mindset from our clients, our students, and our readers/subscribers on a daily basis, and we aren’t immune either. Feeling good enough takes practice.

It’s time to practice!

But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this short story/essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Eleanor Roosevelt

“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”
Louise L. Hay

It’s so easy be dragged down by your own thoughts.

So easy to not feel like “I’m not good enough”.

Not good enough to maybe to go for the job or promotion you want. Or out on a date with that person you’d really like to get to know better.

Or even as you do your best you may feel like it’s still not good enough. And so you feel that you’re not good enough either.

Such thoughts combined with the pressures and stress of today’s world can quickly start tearing your confidence in yourself and your self-esteem to pieces.

I think most of us have been in that situation.

I’ve been there many times. And let those thoughts hold me down and back from what I wanted.

But I’ve also ­– over the years – learned quite a few things that help me to prevent those thoughts from popping up in the first place. And to handle them when they do come running towards me.

1. You don’t have listen to your inner critic (you can shut it down).

When I was younger then I didn’t know I had an inner critic. A voice inside of me that would tell me that I was lazy, that my plan wouldn’t work and that I could have done an even better job.

The inner critic could sometimes motivate me to work smarter and do better. But most often it just tore me down.

I also didn’t know that you don’t have to listen to everything your mind is telling you. That you can actually talk back to that inner critic in your head.

But when it pipes up nowadays I know what works best for me is to – in my mind – shout:

Stop!

Or: No, no, no… we’re not going down that path again!

And the quicker I do that after the critic starts babbling the easier it will be to shut it down.

2. Find the exception to open up your mind again.

When you’re lost in a snowball of thoughts of how you’re not good enough then it can be tough to change your headspace to a more positive one once again.

You may think to yourself you’re not doing a good job at all in school. Or that your dating life sucks.

When I get lost in such thoughts I like to ask myself:

What’s one small exception to that though?

When I, for example, asked myself this one during my school years I’d remember that I was actually doing well in English class. Or, later on, that I had some nice dates with that one person 5 months ago.

And that small exception opened up my mind to more rays of optimistic light.

To finding more positive things that were actually in my life and that I had done or was doing at the time.

3. Make a list and then take a few minutes to soak in your positive memories.

Take out a pen and a piece of paper. Or a blank memo note on your smart phone.

And simply think back. To times and situations when you felt good enough.

Or to times when you may not have felt quite good enough at first but still took action and did well or even better than you had expected.

Write a few such memories down. And then when you feel uncertain or your confidence drops in some situation then pull out that note and soak in those memories for a few minutes to change your outlook.

4. Stop getting stuck in the comparison trap.

When you all too often compare yourself to others, to what they have and what they’ve done then you’re getting yourself stuck in the comparison trap.

This destructive habit tends to feed that feeling of not being good enough.

Because this habitual comparing is not a game you can win.

There will always be someone that’s better than you or that has more or has achieved more. Somewhere out there in your neighborhood, country or the world.

I’ve found that a much better alternative for me has been to compare myself to myself. To see how far I’ve come and what I’ve overcome.

Making that a habit and only occasionally checking out what other people are doing also makes it easier to not be envious but to be happy for their successes.

5. What people share online is usually a high-light reel.

In the past you had to sit down and think about what friends and acquaintances may have had. Or perhaps turn on the TV to see how someone famous lived.

Nowadays it’s often right there as soon as you pick up your smart phone or sit down in front of your laptop.

It’s harder to avoid the comparison trap these days then it was 10 or 15 years ago.

But one thing I try to keep in mind and that really helps when it comes to social media is this:

What people are sharing is a high-light reel of their lives.

Nothing wrong with that. But if you think that’s how their lives look all the time then you’re likely fooling yourself and making yourself feel worse without any real reason.

Because they usually share just the happiest, most fun and exciting moments of their lives. But no matter who they are everyone will still have bad days, get a knock-out flu, eat some food they shouldn’t have and they’ll have their own worries.

So don’t fall into the trap of comparing your low-points or everyday life with someone else’s high-light reel.

6. You may not want to check social media more than once a day.

I find that I can quite easily revert back into the comparison trap and into starting to feel like I’m not good enough if I check social media too often or spend too much time there.

Checking it quickly just once a day is enough for me and it keeps my focus and thoughts in the right place.

7. You can always start small with a right thing string to change how you feel.

One thing I like to do in the morning or when I’m not feeling too good about myself and that helps me to keep my self-esteem stable is what I like to call a right thing string.

Here’s what you do:

Do something that you deep down think is the right thing. Do it right now…

• Give a genuine compliment to someone at school, work or in your life.
• Take 3 minutes to unclutter your workspace.
• Or help someone out with a bit of information that they’re looking for.

Then add another thing that you think is the right thing to do.

Have a banana instead of candy or potato chips. When you feel like judging someone on social media or on TV then try to find a kinder and more understanding point of view.

Then add another thing. And another.

Build a small string of doing the right things during, for example, 10-30 minutes.

When you’ve added a right thing to your string – no matter how small it may be – make sure to take just a couple of seconds to pause and to appreciate the good thing you did.

I often think one of these things to myself:

• Excellent!
• Well done!
• That was fun!

Building a string like this makes you feel good about yourself again, it will over time raise your self-esteem and help to keep it stable and it’s simply a good and fun way to put yourself into a better headspace again.

8. Celebrate all wins.

Not only the big ones. Because then you’ll wait a long time between celebrations and run the risk of only feeling good about yourself when you’ve reached such a peak in life.

I’ve learned that it tends to work better to keep the motivation and self-confidence up if I celebrate all wins. No matter how small.

One small step forward is still one small step forward and you need to take such steps no matter what lofty goal you want to reach.

So celebrate those wins too in some way. Maybe with a pat on your back, a tasty and delicious snack or a quiet break out in nature.

9. It really helps to let it out.

Keeping these thoughts bottled up can make them spiral out of control.

Letting them out can help you to look at things from a more grounded and constructive perspective.

Three ways to let it out are:

Vent about these thoughts as someone close to you simply listens.

Do this for a little while to release the pent up tensions and to figure things out for yourself.

Discuss it with a friend.

Let her add her perspective. Or ask him what he’s done in a similar situation.

Your friend can ground you in reality again so you don’t start making a horrific mountain out of a molehill or medium-sized hill.

And the two of you can perhaps come up with a plan for how you can start improving upon the specific situation you’re in where you’re not feeling good enough (such as preparing for that job interview or that date).

Journal about it.

If you don’t have anyone close to you to talk to about this – or you don’t want to for some reason – then a helpful alternative is to journal about it.

Just get all those thoughts swirling around in your head out of paper or in a digital document.

This is similar to venting and seeing it all laid out before you can help you to more easily get an overview, find clarity and a realistic size of your challenge and see what you can do to improve upon the situation.

10. Don’t beat yourself up. There are much better ways to motivate yourself.

Beating yourself up can renew your motivation to do better the next time.

But it will most likely cause more hurt than it will help you in the long run as it drags you down mentally and may often extinguish your motivation instead of renewing it.

So find another way to motivate yourself that won’t push your respect and love for yourself down such as:

• Be kinder and more constructive when you talk to yourself.
• Let it out as mentioned above.
• Look for small or tiny steps you can take today to improve the situation you’re in.
• Start building a right thing string.

And remember that just because plenty of people beat themselves up all the time or because you’ve done it many times in the past doesn’t mean that it’s the healthiest or best way to move forward again.

11. Focus on and take responsibility for the process.

If you focus on the process instead of always hoping for a certain result then you’ll be a lot more relaxed, the pressure you put on yourself will be greatly reduced and the feeling of not being good enough will diminish too.

When you focus on the process then you just take responsibility for showing up and taking action.

That’s it.

No matter if that’s at work, while building your own business or at the gym.

Results will come anyway from that consistent action. And from you focusing on your process and adjusting it along the way as you learn more about what works and what does not.

I’ve found that if I focus on the process instead of obsessing about some result I want as soon as possible – or preferably even sooner – then my patience and persistence grows and I’m lot more likely to continue on my path even I hit a rough patch or two (or five).

12. What someone has said or done to you may not be about you.

The criticism or verbal attacks you may have received this morning or during the past year might not have been about you at all.

So don’t make the common mistake of thinking it’s all about you.

Someone close to you, at work or at school could simply have had a bad week, month or year.

Or he or she may be in a bad marriage, dissatisfied with his/her career or carrying an old and heavy baggage of negativity that someone else once put on him or her.

Remind yourself of this when you don’t feel good enough because of what someone else may have said or done. And realize that you don’t have to carry their baggage and negativity.

That belongs to them. Not you.

13. You can and may need to make some real changes in your environment to feel better.

Whatever we let into our minds will have a big effect. No matter if those influences are positive or negative.

So you may need to make some changes in your environment to feel better about yourself.

Otherwise you’re always trying to move forward while powerful weights are holding and dragging you back.

A simple start to that process of step-by-step changing your day to day world is to ask yourself this:

What are the top 3 sources of negativity in my life?

It could be:

• Someone close to you or at work or in school.
• A social media account.
• A website or forum you visit every week.
• Or a TV-show, podcast, music, magazine and so on.

Then ask yourself:

What can I do to spend less time with these 3 sources this week?

Come up with one or a few action-steps for each of the sources if possible. And focus on taking action to reduce the influence and time you spend on at least one of these sources this week.

And then, during the next 7 days, spend the time you’ve now freed up with the most supportive, uplifting and positive sources – close by or far away in the world – and people in your life.

Want more motivation? You may find this post with you are enough quotes and this one about knowing your true worth helpful.

 

We don’t realize how often we hold ourselves back by holding on to everything.

Letting go is not giving up. Letting go is surrendering any needless attachments to particular outcomes and situations. Surrender means showing up in your life with the intention to be your best, and to do the best you know how, without expecting life to be ideal. Have goals, have dreams, take purposeful action, and build solid relationships, but detach from what life must look like every step of the way.

The energy of someone aspiring to create something wonderful today, teamed with a healthy balance of surrender, is far more effective than someone determined to create outcomes with a desperate must-have mentality. Surrender brings inner calmness, awareness, and understanding. And lest we forget that our outer lives are a reflection of our inner state of being.

Thus, take a moment to remind yourself of some heavy things most of us attach to long after it’s time to let go, so you can loosen your grip on them as you move forward…

1. The expectation of how things “should” be.

Try to use frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you today. You are in control of the way you look at life. Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remember that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance. A small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, while the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. Where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt.

2. The way things once were.

You’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or even a week ago. You’re always learning and growing, and life is always evolving. Even though you can’t control everything that happens, you can control your attitude about what happens. And in doing so, you will gradually master change rather than allowing it to master you. So be humble today. Be teachable. The world is bigger than your view of the world. There’s always room for a fresh idea or a next step. But first you must accept the fact that things may never go back to how they used to be, and that this ending is really a new beginning.

3. Old mistakes and errors in judgment.

Forgive yourself for the bad decisions you’ve made in the past, for the times you lacked understanding, for the choices that accidentally hurt others and yourself. Forgive yourself, for being young and reckless. These are all vital lessons. And what matters most right now is your willingness to grow from them.

4. The need to control everything.

Be selective with your energy today. If you can fix a problem, fix it. If you can’t, then accept it and change your thoughts about it. Whatever you do, don’t attempt to invest more energy than you have, tripping over something behind you or something that only exists inside your head. Truth be told, some of the most powerful moments in life happen when you find the courage to let go of what can’t be changed. Because when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself — to grow beyond the unchangeable. And that changes everything.

5. Fantasies of a perfect path, or time to begin.

Too often we waste our time waiting for a path to appear, but it never does. Because we forget that paths are made by walking, not waiting. And we forget that there’s absolutely nothing about our present circumstances that prevents us from making progress again, one tiny step at a time.

6. The desire for quick and easy results.

Everything gets a bit hard and uncomfortable when it’s time to change. That’s just a part of the growth process. Things will get better, one step at a time. And keep in mind that your effort is never wasted, even when it leads to disappointing results. For it always makes you stronger, more educated, and more experienced. So when the going gets tough, be patient and keep going. Just because you are struggling does not mean you are failing. Every great success requires some kind of worthy struggle to get there.

7. Self-doubt.

Every difficult life situation can be an excuse for hopelessness or an opportunity for growth, depending on what you choose to do with it in the present. And in the midst of particularly hard days when I feel that I can’t endure, I try to remind myself that my track record for getting through hard days is 100% so far. The same is true for YOU. We have what it takes! (Note: Angel and I discuss this further in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

8. Daily relationships that make us feel less like ourselves.

Let others take you as you are, or not at all. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes. By being yourself you put something beautiful into the world that was not there before. And in the long run it’s wiser to lose someone over being who you are, than it is to keep them by being someone you’re not. Because it’s easier to fill an empty space in your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space inside yourself where YOU used to be.

9. Old life chapters that are still lingering half-open.

You’re going to mingle with a lot of people in your lifetime. You’re going to have first kisses you feel all the way down to your toes and think “Oh my gosh, I love him,” but really you just loved the kiss. You’re going to meet a friend you think you will know forever, but then something will change and you two will go your separate ways. You’re going to explore different parts of your life with different people who aren’t in it for the long haul, and that isn’t a bad thing. Life is a series of stories, and the way our stories intersect is remarkable. Sometimes people are in our lives for the whole story. Sometimes they are just a short chapter or two. It takes a brave person to know when that chapter is over, and then to turn the page. Be brave! Embrace your goodbyes, because almost every “goodbye” you receive in life sets you up for the next “hello.”

10. The belief that we always need more than we have.

We don’t always need more — we need appreciation. Because we often take for granted the very things that most deserve our attention and gratitude. How often do you pause to appreciate your life just the way it is? Look around right now, and be thankful… for your health, your family, your work, your comforts, your home. Nothing lasts forever. (Note: “The Good Morning Journal: Powerful Prompts & Reflections to Start Every Day” is a great tool for this kind of perspective shift.)

How to practice letting go if life tests you today.

Reflecting on the reminders above can be incredibly grounding, but what can you actively do to let go when the immediate tension inside you is spiraling?

Here’s a brief outline of some initial steps Angel and I personally take (and often recommend to our coaching clients and event attendees) to cope with the immediate tension that arises from disappointing outcomes in our lives:

• Acknowledge the tension inside you. — If you notice yourself getting angry and flustered, it’s a sign that you need to pause, take a deep breath, and practice the remaining steps.
• Resist the urge to act in haste. — The greatest harm comes whenever you act out of anger — actions that might include giving up too soon, consuming unhealthy substances, or even attacking someone else. So whenever you notice anger building up inside you, try not to take any form of destructive action. Instead, turn inward and mindfully assess whatever it is that’s arising.
• Sit with your feelings, and give them space. — Turn directly towards the tension you feel, and just be a witness. See it as something that’s passing through you, but is NOT YOU. It’s a feeling, a dark cloud passing across a vast sky, not a permanent fixture. Treat it that way. Instead of obsessing yourself with the dark cloud’s presence, try to broaden your perspective — give it the space it needs to pass. Sometimes you need a little distance to see things clearly again.
• Be OK with not knowing. — Now that you’ve given yourself some necessary space, tell yourself, “I don’t know why things are this way.” And be OK with this unknowing. Give yourself full permission to not have concrete answers in this moment. What would it be like to allow this moment to unfold without knowing? What is it like to not know what’s going on in the hearts and minds of others? What is it like to not know how to respond to life’s chaos? What is it like to be here right now, without jumping to conclusions?

The bottom line is that when life dishes you a harsh dose of reality, the best first steps involve sitting silently and witnessing the thoughts passing through you. Just witnessing at first, not interfering and not even judging, because by judging too rapidly you have lost the pure witness. The moment you rush to say, “this is absolutely terrible” or “things should be different,” you have already jumped head first into the chaos.

It takes practice to create a gap between the witnessing of thoughts and your response to them. Once the gap is there though, you are in for a great surprise — it becomes evident that you are not the thoughts themselves, nor the tension and chaos influencing them. You are the witness, a watcher, who’s capable of letting go, changing your mindset, and rising above the turmoil.

Now it’s your turn!

Yes it’s your turn to breathe deep, to be present, and to remind yourself that every day is a series of a million tiny miracles. So just do your best to see them today. See how inner peace comes with letting go of what you assume your journey is supposed to be like, and sincerely accepting it for everything that it is…

But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Which one of the points above resonated the most today?

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is simply believing you’re worthy of the trip.

“Life hasn’t been the easiest on me lately. I won’t get into all the details now, but the tough times I’ve been living through have left me with many cracks. And although I’ve still managed to be a reasonably successful person, on most days I struggle desperately with my self-confidence. I just don’t feel good enough. I feel flawed. I feel like my cracks make me undesirable…”

Those are the opening lines of an email I received recently from a new reader of our blog. I’m sharing that excerpt today, with permission, because Marc and I have spoken to hundreds of other readers, clients, and live event attendees over the past 15 years who struggle in a very similar way. In fact, almost all of us struggle with not feeling “good enough” at various points throughout our lives.

If you can relate right now — if today is one of those days — it’s time for a quick wake-up call and story about life:

We all have a few cracks.

Once upon a time there was an elderly woman who needed to walk down to the river every morning to fetch water for drinking, cooking and cleaning. She carried two buckets with her, filled them up at the riverbank, and walked back with them to her rural cottage home.

One of the buckets was newer, perfectly sealed, and held its water flawlessly. But the second bucket was older and contained a few thin cracks that would leak water onto the ground as the elderly woman walked. By the time she arrived home, typically about one third of the water in the second bucket had leaked through its cracks.

One day, on the walk down to the river, the cracked bucket — who had always felt like it wasn’t as good as the other bucket – said to the elderly woman, “I want you to know that I’ve been leaking water every morning for the past several years. I’m so sorry for being cracked and making your life more difficult. I understand if you need to replace me with a better bucket.”

The elderly woman smiled. “Do you really think I haven’t known about your cracks this whole time?” she asked. “Look at all the beautiful flowers that grow on the path from my cottage to the river. I planted their seeds, but every morning it’s you who does the watering.”

Remember:

Feeling good enough in life, in work, in business, and in our relationships has everything to do with how we personally judge the cracks in our own bucket. Because we all have a few cracks!

But are they cracks that wreck us, that taint us, and that ruin our experience and desirability?

Or do our cracks water a trail of flowers we haven’t even stopped to appreciate?

Let this be your wake-up call!

Choose to see the flowers through the cracks in your own bucket — choose to see how it’s exactly those cracks that make you good enough — and your whole universe will shift!

Now it’s your turn…

Yes, it’s your turn to take a deep breath when you need one. Sometimes the pressure coming from peers, family, work, and society in general is enough to make us feel less than “good enough.” If we don’t have the “right” job, relationship, house, and so forth by a certain age or time frame, we assume we’re flawed — cracked! Again, Marc and I hear about this kind of self-defeating mindset from our clients, our students, and our readers/subscribers on a daily basis, and we aren’t immune either. Feeling good enough takes consistent practice.

It’s time to practice!

But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this short story/essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.