I was talking to a full-time mother the other day, and she was pissed. Her full-time working husband was heading out on yet another business trip. It was his third week-long trip that month, and she was over it. Their two kids missed their father, and she didn’t think all the travel was truly necessary, even if it was for work.

After all, we all went through COVID, and everything worked out just fine with video conferencing. She felt he was choosing to travel more than he needed to, mainly for the fun of it and to get a break from the kids.

That conversation got me thinking about the tension that builds in households where one parent stays home and the other goes to work. I feel it too. Every time I debate attending a conference versus preserving a precious weekend with my wife and children, the internal pull is real. With my two kids now in school full-time, the weekends matter even more. So I haven’t gone to a conference yet.

The Challenge of Being a Stay-at-Home Father

Given I’m a man, I’m going to write this post from a father’s perspective. But it is just as relevant for mothers too.

Men are trained from a young age to provide. Even if nobody acknowledges the work, we continue showing up. We feed, protect, teach, drive, fix, support, and problem solve through every stage of our children’s lives.

Being a father requires intrinsic motivation. You cannot expect, let alone crave recognition for a job well done, because nobody cares. Nobody asked you to be a father, and society doesn’t do a good job in appreciating a man’s efforts when it comes to the family.

Gus Fring, from Breaking Bad, sums up one version of what it takes to be a man today. Is it any wonder why so many men opt out of marriage and fatherhood?

Being a full-time parent can be so demanding that some parents actually crave the structure of work just to get a break from parenthood. There’s no off switch with full-time parenting. One distracted moment can lead to disaster.

So after years of pickups, drop-offs, cooking meals, teaching skills, and spending weekends away from friends, how do you let go of the guilt when you finally take a break? How do you give yourself permission to leave your family behind for a little personal leisure?

You start by comparing yourself to other parents, and follow a new framework I’ve created, in true American nerd fashion.

Step One: Compare Yourself to the Average Dad (Or Mom)

When you become a stay-at-home father, you lose touch with the rhythms of normal working dads. Once your children enter school and you start meeting other parents, the contrast becomes obvious.

Most fathers are working full time. Supposedly, the average dad spends just 60 to 80 minutes a day with their children. I know, it’s hard to believe, but that’s what the data says.

In contrast, a stay-at-home fathers spends anywhere from 8 to 24 hours a day, depending on the age of the children and the occupation of their partner.

Do the math:

If you spend 12 hours a day caring for your child during the first three years, while the above-average dad spends about two, you’re putting in six times more daily time. In terms of total hours invested, those three years equal roughly 18 years of parenting time for the average dad.

In other words:

You are not falling behind by taking a break. You are still years ahead.

Give yourself permission to rest. You have earned it.

Step Two: Ask Other Dads (Or Moms) About Their Travel Schedules

Now that you know the general amount of time the average dad (or mom) spends with their children a day, it’s time to get granular. Just like how real estate is local, father time also depends by region. And you want to compare your efforts to your immediate peers.

Therefore, you must ask as many dads (or moms) you know about their work hours and travel schedules to understand how you compare. Here are some examples that I came across.

• One dad was gone for two weeks on the East Coast, then a dad’s golfing trip for four days, then a week in Asia. He was away for almost a month in six weeks.
• Another travels two weeks every month for work.
• Another travels to Europe, Asia, and the Middle East for about a month a quarter to fundraise.
• Finally, another dad says he flies to NYC twice a year for a week to kiss the ring and hope to get promoted. On top of that, he sees clients around the country once a month for three-to-four days.

My Estimated Annual Travel Schedule If I Was Still Working

If I was still working in finance, I would probably travel to Asia two-to-four times a year for 14 – 28 days. I’d probably also travel domestically for five days a month to see clients for a total of 74 – 88 days away for work. Wow, that’s a lot if I wanted to give everything to my job and climb to the highest ranks.

After having children, I’d have to imagine I would limit my Asia trips to just twice a year for 20 days max. Then, maybe I’d send my junior colleague to see clients every other month to cut down my total domestic travel to 30 days. Although 50 days away from family a year still sounds like a lot, it seems much more reasonable than 74 – 88 days away!

Step Three: Build Travel or Time-Off Credits

Once you understand how much other parents travel for work, both from the top down and bottom up, you can start building “credits” for every trip you skip and every day you stay home.

This year, for example, there was a dad trip to another state. It ran from Thursday through Sunday, and my wife was totally fine with me going. But I skipped it. We had a parent–teacher conference on Friday from 10 a.m. to 1:20 p.m., and I wanted to meet all eight teachers we had scheduled.

I also wanted to use the weekend to teach my kids tennis through Daddy Day Camp. Public court access in San Francisco is tough, so Friday afternoon after the conferences was prime time to get out there.

By skipping that four-day trip, I built enough “credit” to take a more meaningful six-day trip to Honolulu to surprise my father for his 80th birthday. I still felt guilty leaving my family, but far less than if I had gone on the dad’s boondoggle. I also put in extra time with the kids during those four days, even while feeling a bit sick, which helped reduce the guilt later. The more effort I put in upfront, the lighter the guilt became.

No matter how much your partner insists it’s fine to take a weekend boondoggle with the guys or a business trip to New York for steak dinners and late night partying, some resentment will inevitably build. That is just human nature because solo-parenting is hard work!

A Simple Formula That Helps You Take Time Away Without Guilt

Now let’s build an actual formula so you can take action to feel great about more personal time away from the family. Use my formula as a baseline, and then adjust it to your individual family situation.

1. Ask five working dads (or moms) how many days they spend away from their family each year.

Include work trips, conferences, and boondoggles.

2. Calculate the average.

3. Divide that number by two.

This becomes your guilt-free allowance to travel as a stay-at-home parent or take a break from parenting. For example, if you find the average working dad spends 30 days a year away for work, then you can take 15 days guilt free to do whatever the heck you want.

Why half? Because full-time working parents are providing financially. Travel is often part of their job, even though we all know workers no longer have to travel to build relationships or close deals after 2-3 years of Zoom meetings during COVID.

If you are not the main financial provider, you don’t get to travel and have the same number of days the average working parent gets. Half the average is a fair split.

When to Use a Divisor of One (Equal Travel) – When You Are a FIRE Parent

A FIRE parent is someone who retires earlier than normal so they can be a full-time parent while still serving as the main financial provider. This is different from a full-time parent who steps away from their career entirely while their partner continues working.

If you are both the main financial provider and the stay-at-home parent, then it’s only fair that you get to take as many breaks or trips as the average number of trips taken by the five parents you surveyed.

If you happen to know five stay-at-home dads, you can also divide by one instead of two as well. Their averages will generally be lower, but also more aligned with your lifestyle reality.

That said, I still don’t believe a FIRE dad should take more days off than the average stay-at-home dad, even though he’s also the financial provider. Part of the FIRE mindset is maintaining high standards and outperforming the average in both dimensions.

Being a FIRE Dad Is Not Normal

If you reached financial independence so you could spend more time with your children, understand that your lifestyle is rare. FIRE is already rare, but FIRE parenting is even more so given how much it costs to raise a family nowadays.

• According to Pew Research, only about 7% of fathers who live with their children under 18 are full-time stay-at-home dads. Fathers now make up roughly 18% of all stay-at-home parents (with the other ~82% being mothers). 
• Meanwhile, I estimate less than 30% of the 7% of full-time stay-at-home dads are FIRE dads who stay home and are also responsible for the bulk of the family finances. In other words, 70% of the full-time stay-at-home dads have working partners/spouses who bring home the sashimi.

The discipline it takes to become financially independent is not easy. The discipline to then spend the next 18 years raising your children full-time is even rarer.

However, if you never take a break, resentment eventually builds. You may start comparing your arrangement to households with a more balanced setup. Without finding a better balance, a marriage can easily break apartment.

You cannot sustain full-time parenthood long term without caring for yourself.

There Is No Prize for Being a Martyr

If you work full time and still travel for weeks or months each year, you have an incredibly supportive partner at home. Appreciate them. Solo-parenting for weeks on end is not easy.

If you are a full-time parent or FIRE parent who feels guilty even thinking about taking a weekend away, remember this:

You have already spent more time with your children than many working parents will spend in a lifetime.

Your presence, consistency, and sacrifice are already changing the trajectory of your children’s lives.

But none of it matters if you burn out.

A rested parent is a better parent. A resentful parent is a dangerous one.

Give yourself permission to step away. You deserve the rest. You deserve the freedom. And you deserve the same grace you give to everyone else.

If you’re a stay-at-home parent, how do you overcome the guilt of taking time for yourself? Do you think my formula is fair? If not, how would you adjust it? And for the working parents out there, how many days a year do you travel for work?

Take Care Of Your Family, Even When You’re Not There

As stay-at-home parents, we carry the invisible load. We show up every day, even when we’re exhausted. But the truth is, none of us can be present 24/7. Whether you’re traveling, working, or finally taking that long-overdue break, having the right life insurance means your family is protected no matter what.

That’s where Policygenius comes in. It’s my preferred life-insurance marketplace because it does all the comparison shopping for you, quickly, clearly, and at the lowest prices available. In minutes, you can compare top insurers side-by-side and get the coverage your family deserves.

If you’ve spent years putting your family first, make sure you protect them with the same intention. Once my wife and I got matching 20-year term life insurance policies through Policygenius, we breathed a huge sigh of relief. They were affordable and enabled us to better focus on being present for our children.

Check your life-insurance rates today with Policygenius. Your future self, and your family, will thank you.

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Because the kids aren’t the only ones who need a fresh start in August

Back-to-school season doesn’t just hit in one day. It’s a slow tidal wave of supplies, schedules, new shoes, and maybe a few emotional meltdowns (theirs or ours). For moms, this is the perfect time to hit reset, and these back to school tips are designed to help. Whether your kids are headed to kindergarten or high school, this season is as much about mental prep and planning wins as it is about notebooks and backpacks.

So we pulled together a few mom-approved picks to help this annual reset feel smoother. Deep breath. Fresh planner. Let’s go.

We may earn a small commission when you shop through our links, at no extra cost to you. Thank you for supporting our work!

What they’ll actually wear

Kids outgrow everything fast. So August is the moment for basics: fresh jeans, leggings, and tees they’ll reach for every morning.

We keep going back to The Children’s Place for affordable staples, solid uniforms, and those matching sibling outfits that somehow still pass the vibe check. Bonus points for the frequent sitewide sales.

Target also delivers with comfy, school-friendly pieces, from adaptive clothing to licensed graphic tees your kids will insist on wearing four days in a row.

Plan like a pro

If your calendar already looks like a maze of sports, pickups, and theme days, it might be time to level up your planner game.

Mom Agenda gets it. Their Academic Year planners have separate sections for each kid, plus space for meals, reminders, and your own life too. (Remember that?) And for organizing supplies, snacks, or hair stuff, Dollar Tree bins are still our go-to. They’re $1.25, stack well, and don’t fall apart in two weeks.

Reset home routines

It’s not just the kids adjusting. Schedules shift, mornings get earlier, and even the family dog notices something’s different.

Petco has calming products for pets who struggle with the sudden quiet or the sudden noise. Think chews, sprays, or puzzle toys to keep them occupied. And when you’re the one feeling the shift, Earth Mama makes gentle wellness picks like stress support teas or their perennial mom-favorite lotions.

Tech that helps, not hinders

From photo printers to study laptops, the right tech can make life easier for them—and for you.

If your kids are decorating lockers, dorms, or even just journals, the HP Sprocket is a fun add. It’s compact, ink-free, and prints straight from a phone. And ASUS offers reliable, budget-conscious laptops that get the job done. If this is the year for a tech refresh, start there.

Bags that hold it all

Backpacks take a beating, especially when they’re hauling Chromebooks, lunch, and three crumpled permission slips.

Samsonite might not be your first pick for kids’ bags, but their styles for older students and parents are surprisingly smart. Think laptop sleeves, water resistance, and actual comfort.

Easy fuel for moms

You can’t live on crusts from leftover PB&Js. August is the time to restock easy options that support your own energy, even if breakfast happens in the car.

We love keeping a few Suja Organic juices in the fridge, especially their green blends and immunity shots. It’s a small thing, but it’s a mom win when something healthy is actually easy.

A gentle reminder

This isn’t just back to school for them. It’s a reset for you too. You don’t need to overhaul your life. Just a few smart swaps and calming rituals can make everything feel more manageable.

Ready to dive in? Shop the picks that work for your crew and take this season on with a little more ease.

“One day you will look back and see that all along you were blooming.”
— MHN

Twenty-nine years ago, when I was a freshman in high school, my English teacher gave my class a homework assignment entitled, “Advice for a Younger Generation.” The concept of the assignment was simple: Each student had to interview a person who was over the age of 25, gather enough information to write a basic biography of their life, and find out what their top tips are for a younger generation. I chose to interview my dad. He was 53 at the time and he gave me 18 pieces of advice.

I had completely forgotten about all of this until recently when I was visiting my parents house. My mom had me clean out a few old boxes stored in the attic. In one of these boxes I found the original “Advice for a Younger Generation” assignment dated April 22nd, 1996.

I read through it and was admittedly blown away — there’s lots of solid wisdom within. Even though my dad’s advice is generally relevant to a person of any age, my 43-year-old self can relate to it in a way my 14-year-old self didn’t quite grasp at the time. In fact, the first thought that went through my head was, “Wow, my dad was right the whole time!”

Here are my dad’s original 18 pieces of advice for a younger generation, transcribed and copyedited with his permission, along with a couple new (and significant) additions — bringing the list to 20 in total. He literally sent me numbers 19 and 20 yesterday and told me to “update the list.” (Haha. I’m not joking.) And note that my now 82-year-old dad was inspired to expand on his original list after a previous version of this article was published here on the blog last year:

1. Your 30’s, 40’s, and 50’s won’t feel like your 30’s, 40’s, and 50’s.

Adults are just older children. When you get older you won’t feel as old as you imagine you will. For the most part, you still feel exactly the way you feel right now, just a little wiser and more confident. You’ve had time to establish your place in the world and figure out what’s important to you. Don’t fear growing up. Look forward to it. It’s awesome!

2. Bad things will happen to you and your friends.

Part of living and growing up is experiencing unexpected troubles in life. People lose jobs, get in car accidents, and sometimes die. When you are younger, and things are going pretty well, this harsh reality can be hard to visualize. The smartest and oftentimes hardest thing we can do in these kinds of situations is to be tempered in our reactions. To want to scream obscenities, but to be wiser and more disciplined than that. To remember that emotional rage only makes matters worse. And to remember that tragedies are rarely as bad as they seem, and even when they are, they give us an opportunity to grow stronger.

3. Everyone can make a significant difference.

Making one person smile can change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So start small and start now. Be patient. Be present. Be kind. Compliment people. Magnify their strengths, not their weaknesses. This is how to make a difference, in your own life above all, and in all the lives you touch.

4. First impressions aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

Everyone and everything seems normal from a distance, or at a glance. The 10th, 20th, or even the 50th impression is when you start to truly understand someone else for who they truly are. Be patient and present. Pay attention to their habits and rituals. We are what we habitually do.

5. Big results come when you narrow your focus.

Concentrate your efforts on smaller and smaller areas. Specialize. When your efforts are diffused over a wide area they won’t have much of an impact. So focus on smaller areas and your efforts will be felt more fully. It could take time for growth to happen, but keep that focus narrow and the results will come in time.

6. Love yourself. Become the best version of you.

Strive to be the “you” you want to be. Nourish your mind and body. Don’t stop learning. Educate yourself every day until you die. Study. Read. Devour new ideas. Engage with people, including those who think differently. Ask questions. Listen. And don’t just grow in knowledge. Be a person who gives back too.

7. Most of the time you just have to go for it, again and again.

Put your uncertainty and fears aside for a second and ask yourself this: “If I try and I don’t get it right the first time, what will I have lost and what will I have gained?” The answer is: You will have lost nothing but a little bit of your time while gaining an important lesson that will help you get it right the second or third time. People rarely get it right the first time. In fact, usually the only people who ever get it right are those who continue going for it even when they’ve come up short numerous times before.

8. We tend to get more when we give.

Supporting, guiding, and making contributions to other people is one of life’s greatest rewards. Almost everything you do comes back around in some way. Let your actions create positive ripples in your life.

9. Not much is worth fighting about today.

If you can avoid it, don’t fight. Step back from arguments with your spouse, family members, or neighbors. When you feel anger surging up and you want to yell that vulgar remark on the tip of your tongue, just close your mouth and take a break. Sleep on it. Give yourself space. Let calmness be your superpower, and then revisit the situation if you must. You don’t have to be right or win an argument immediately.

10. Don’t try to impress everyone.

Purposely impressing people is an act that brings nothing but a momentary ego boost. Be real with people instead. Connect with fewer people on a level that is deeper and more profound.

11. Keep having fun.

Fun is way underrated! With all of life’s responsibilities, fun will sometimes seem like an indulgence. It shouldn’t be. It should be a requirement. Make time for fun and casual play. Schedule it in until the day you die!

12. Keep it simple.

There is a world of magnificence hidden in simplicity. Identify the five most important things in your life now and focus on those things in your free time. Let the other stuff go. Stop the senseless busyness most people fill their lives with, so you can enjoy what’s truly important to you.

13. Little things stick with you.

So pay attention to them. Like watching your child sleep. Preparing a good meal with your family. Sharing a great laugh with an old friend. This is the real stuff life is made of. Tune in.

14. Less advice is often the best advice.

Most people don’t need lots of advice, they need to live. I’ve seen young, rocky relationships develop into wonderful marriages, and I’ve seen fleeting inspirations ignite a lifetime of passion and happiness. Our life stories, like the answers we give to long essay questions, are uniquely ours. What people want to know is already somewhere inside of them. We all just need time to think, be, and continue to explore the imperfect journeys that will eventually help us find our long-term direction.

15. Manage your time wisely.

Your situation and environment is ever changing, so be careful not to confuse things that are urgent with things that are important. Evaluate your obligations on a monthly basis and be willing to make necessary shifts. And remember that good, admirable obligations, like volunteering at church, will sometimes need to be put on hold temporarily for something else. And that’s OK. You can’t do it all.

16. Manage your money wisely.

Don’t buy stuff you don’t need.  Don’t spend more than you make.  Don’t spend to impress people. Don’t let your money manage you in the long run. Financial stability is peace of mind when you get older.

17. What you learn in school does matter.

While you may not use the specifics of every classroom lesson, every lesson does expand the core thought process of your mind. Over time you will develop problem-solving skills that are universally applicable. No single classroom lesson can teach this, and no single classroom lesson is more important.

18. Dreams will remain dreams forever if you don’t take action.

Don’t dream about it anymore. Start doing it a little bit every day. In 30 years from now, what is it that you will regret not having accomplished, appreciated, or attempted? Do it, appreciate it, and attempt it starting NOW!

19. If you truly want something, you also have to want its costs.

When it comes to achieving the dreams just mentioned in point #18, it’s important to realize that most people want the reward without the risk — the shine without the grind. But you can’t get to a destination in life without a journey. And a journey always has costs. At the very least you have to invest your time and energy into taking consistent steps forward.

So instead of only thinking about what you want — a dream or goal — also ask yourself: “What am I willing to invest (or give up) to get it?”

Or for those inevitably hard days: “What is worth struggling for?”

Seriously, think about it: If you want the strong and athletic body, you have to want the sore muscles, the sweaty clothes, the mornings or afternoons of exercise, and the healthy meals. If you want the successful business, you have to also want the longer days, the stressful business deals and decisions, and the likelihood of failing many times to learn what you need to know to succeed in the long run. But if you catch yourself wanting something day in and day out, month after month, yet you never take consistent action and thus you never make progress, then maybe it’s time to let that goal go, because you don’t actually want to struggle through the steps required to achieve it — the costs seem too high to you. And that’s OK — it’s OK to change your mind or dream a new dream. The key is to be honest with yourself along the way.

20. Life is incredibly limited, and there’s beauty in this truth.

Let’s end this list right by bringing it full-circle to the underlying themes we started out with in points #1 and #2 — time flies and life is short. Because the truth is, you can never read all the books you want to read. You can never train yourself in all the skill sets you want to have. You can never be all the things you want to be and live all the lives you want to live. You can never spend all the time you want with the people you love. You can never feel every possible temperature, tone, and variation of emotion in a given situation. You are incredibly limited, just like everyone else.

In the game of life, we all receive a unique set of unexpected limitations and variables in the field of play. The question is: How will you respond to the hand you’ve been dealt? You can either focus on the lack thereof or empower yourself to play the game sensibly and resourcefully, making the very best of every outcome as it arises, even when it’s heartbreaking and hard to accept.

In the end, what matters most is to focus on what matters most. By doing so you get to truly experience the various sources of beauty and opportunity in your life while each of them lasts. Let’s take a moment and revisit the notion of being limited by the reality of not being able to spend all the time you want with someone you love. When someone you love passes away too soon, that’s undoubtedly one of the most heartbreaking limitations to cope with (and the general principles for coping with this kind of tragic limitation are also applicable to less severe situations too)…

Imagine a person who gave meaning to your life is suddenly no longer in your life (at least not in the flesh), and you’re not the same person without them. You have to change who you are — you’re now a best friend who sits alone, a widow instead of a wife, a father without a daughter, or a next-door neighbor to someone new. You want life to be the way it was before death, but it never will be.

I have personally dealt with the loss of siblings, parents, and best friends to illness and accidents over the years, so I know from experience that when you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open. And the bad news is you never completely get over the loss — you will never forget them. However, in a backwards way this is also the good news…

You see, death is an ending, which is a necessary part of living. And endings are necessary for beauty too — otherwise it’s impossible to appreciate someone or something, because they are unlimited. Limits illuminate beauty, and death is the definitive limit — a reminder that you need to be aware of this beautiful person or situation, and appreciate this beautiful thing called life. Death is also a beginning, because while you’ve lost someone special, this ending, like every loss, is a moment of reinvention. Although deeply sad, their passing forces you to reinvent your life, and in this reinvention is an opportunity to experience beauty in new, unseen ways and places. And finally, of course, death is an opportunity to celebrate a person’s life, and to be grateful for the priceless beauty they showed you.

Bottom line: There’s always progress and beauty to be found in accepting and respecting life’s inherent limitations, and then making the very best of what’s in front of you.

Closing thoughts and next steps…

My dad is 82-years-old now, and although he generally agrees with his younger self’s advice, he also admits he’s learned some new tricks over the past 30 years. “That’s why I wanted to add numbers 19 and 20 — just to flesh things out a bit,” he told me. And he intends to share some more life advice with us in the near future too, so sign up for our email updates and stand by for a new article from him. In the mean time though, he told me to tell you to read his three favorite personal development books: “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”, “The Millionaire Next Door”, and “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently” (Yes, he shamelessly plugged our book, but he actually re-reads it for daily self-reflection, so it’s legit).

Finally, before you go, please leave my dad (and Angel and me) a comment below to let us know what you think of this article and its advice. Your feedback is truly important to us — it inspires us to continue writing and sharing here on the blog. Thank you!