“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.”
Eleanor Roosevelt

“When you say “yes” to others, make sure you aren’t saying “no” to yourself.”
Paulo Coehlo

When you get stuck in the habit of being a people pleaser then that can have a sneaky and negative effect.

Not only on you but also on the people around you.

Because as you try to please the other people in your life:

• You put on a mask and try to guess what to do while getting anxious and stressed.
• You sometimes feel taken advantage off by others who use your people pleasing habit and you often feel out of tune with what you yourself deep down want.
• It can also have an unintended effect on other people as they may see through your mask, start to feel your inner discomfort and stress themselves and get confused or upset because they sense you are not being honest and straightforward with them.

So trying to please others pretty much all the time is often an even worse choice that one may at first think.

But how can you change this behavior and stop being a people pleaser?

This week I’d like to share 7 powerful insights and habits that have helped me with that.

1. Realize that with some people it isn’t about you and what you do (no matter what you do).

Some people just can’t be pleased. No matter what you do.

Because it’s not about what you do or do not do. It’s about him or her.

About how she’s having a bad month, a sick pet or doesn’t have a good chemistry with you.

Or about him being in an unhappy marriage, in too much debt or having a tooth ache that just won’t stop.

By realizing this and how you in the end can’t get everyone to like you or avoid conflict no matter what you do you can start to let go of this ineffective and damaging habit.

2. Learn how to say no.

When you like to please then it’s of course hard to say no.

But it is vital for you own happiness, stress-levels and for living the life you truly want.

Here are 5 things that have made it easier for me to say no more often:

Disarm and state your need.

It’s easier for people to accept your no if you disarm them first.

Do that by, for instance, saying that you’re flattered or that you appreciate the kind offer.

Then add that you, for example, simply don’t have the time for doing what they want.

If they’re pushy, add how you feel.

Say that you don’t feel that this offer is a good fit for your life right now.

Or that you feel overwhelmed and very busy and so you cannot do whatever they want.

Telling someone how you honestly feel can help them to understand your side of the issue better. And it’s also a lot harder to argue with how you feel rather than what you think.

Help out a bit.

If possible, finish your reply with recommending someone that you think could help out or would be a better fit for what they need. 

I do this quite often when I feel I lack the knowledge or experience that a reader or a friend is looking for.

Remind yourself why it is important to sometimes say no: You teach people by how you behave.

They learn about you and your boundaries from your behavior.

So if you stand up for yourself and say no and are assertive about what you don’t want then people will start to pick up on that.

And over time you’ll encounter fewer and fewer situations where someone tries to be pushy or steamroll you.

It’s OK to feel a bit guilty about saying no (but you don’t have to act on it).

Just feel it and be with that feeling for a while.

But at the same time know that it doesn’t mean that you have to act on it and say yes or do what they want you to do.

3. Reminder: People don’t really care that much about what you say or do.

Holding yourself back in life and trying to act in a way that is pleasing to others can, in my experience, to a large part come from a belief that people care a great deal about what you say or do.

But the truth is that while you may be the main character in your own life and head you’re not that in other people’s lives.

Because here’s the thing: people have their hands full with thinking and worrying about their own lives.

They have their heads full with thoughts about their kids, career, pets, hobbies, dreams and worries or thoughts about what others may think of them.

This realization can make you feel less important. But it can also set you free.

4. Learn how to handle criticism and verbal lash outs (and the fear of that).

Tip #1 in this article is one thing that’ll help you to handle criticism and the fear of it.

Because sometimes it’s simply about the other person and his or her situation in life right now and not about what you did or did not do.

A few more things that help me to handle negative or critical messages are:

Wait before you reply.

Take a couple of deep breaths in a conversation or a few minutes if you’re in front of your inbox.

By doing so you’ll reduce the risk of lashing out yourself or making a mistake. Calming yourself down a bit before replying is pretty much always a good idea.

Remember: you can let it go.

You don’t have to reply to all the negative messages you may get via email, social media or in real life.

You can just say nothing, let it go and move on.

This does of course not work in every situation but it’s important to remember that you from time to time do have this option.

It’s OK to disagree.

This took me time to really get.

Because I wanted to get people to my side. To make someone see things the way I did.

But it’s also OK to simply have different opinions about things. And to leave it at that.

I found that life became lighter and simpler when I started to accept this idea and perspective.

5. Set boundaries for yourself.

If you say no to yourself, if you set a few firm boundaries for yourself then it will over time become easier to do the same towards other people too.

And these boundaries can also help you to focus better on what matters the most to you.

A couple of my daily ones that have helped me with both of those things are:

• A start-time and a stop-time for work. I don’t work before 8 in the morning and my work computer is shut off – at the latest – at 7 in the evening.
• Work in a no-distraction zone. I keep email notifications and messaging programs off. And my smart phone is on silent mode at the other end of our home.
• Only check email once a day. Otherwise it’s easy for me to lose focus and to have too many thoughts swirling around in my mind while working.

6. Strengthen your self-esteem.

Why’s this important?

Well, with a self-esteem toolbox filled with helpful habits you’ll value yourself and therefore your time and energy more and so it’s becomes more natural to say no when you need to.

And criticism and negative words will bounce off of you more easily and often.

Plus, you’ll be less concerned about getting everyone else to like you all the time.

Because now you like and respect yourself more and your dependency upon what others may think or say drops drastically.

7. Keep your focus on what YOU want out of your life.

If you know what’s most important to you and you keep your focus on that each day then you’ll naturally start to say no and stop being so people pleasing.

Because now your energy and time is mostly focused on your needs and wants.

You’re not just drifting along anymore without a clear focus (which is great because when you lack that then it’s easy to fall into the trap of just going along with what someone else wants).

So how do you do this practically?

Well, fine-tuning what you deep down want might take some time. But a good start is this…

Step 1: Ask yourself: what’s the top 3 most important things in my life right now?

It could be your small business. Your family. Your career, health, dog, photography hobby, soccer, improving your social life or simplifying your home. Or something else.

Step 2: Create 1-3 reminders.

Write down your top 3 most important things on a small piece of paper. And put it on your bedside table so you see it first thing every morning.

You can also create 1-2 more notes with the same answers to for instance put on your fridge and in your workspace.

An effective alternative to paper notes is to use a reminder app on your smart phone (I use the free Google Keep app for my reminders every day). 

These two simple steps have helped me a lot to keep my priorities straight and to remind myself of them every day so I don’t start to drift too much from what matters the most to me.

 

Proverbs 29:11 says, “A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.”

A fool shares everything and anything with others without consideration of whether the recipient is a safe place for this information. Wise people are discerning about how they share sensitive information. When interacting with a person you see has unhealthy tendencies, don’t feel obligated to overshare with them.

I am a people pleaser, so this is hard for me! I want to reach out even when the other person has completely ghosted me. I’m often inclined to share our story freely because I desire connection. Including others is my superpower, but I’ve learned that being selective, thoughtful, and kind is a good way to guard your heart and calendar. I only have space for a limited number of safe, invested people. I have to prioritize them. People who don’t know me well don’t need to know everything about me or my family. If you are an extraverted empath, you will struggle with this, but the older I get, the more I see that my heart is precious and deserves to be cared for.

Proverbs 18:7 warns, “A fool’s mouth is his ruin, and his lips are a snare to his soul.” Don’t be a fool, control your mouth to remain safe in your relationships.

I was a talker, a people pleaser. If I was at a party with someone who was shy and nervous, I would find them and offer some hot dip, a cocktail, a sympathetic ear or all of the above. At dinner parties, I was often seated between strangers by the host on account of my reputation as a chatterbox. I made the smallest of talk, and I had more icebreakers than the Navy. This had been my training, my muscle memory from childhood. “Be charming,” my mother used to tell me. “Go check on your brother/uncle/grandpa to make sure they’re having a good time.” I had been good at being dutiful, good at refilling bowls of popcorn and good at asking questions. A pint-sized hostess, ready for the big time.

I didn’t always hate this about myself. Mostly, I liked that I could walk into a room and talk to pretty much anyone. I liked making people feel at ease and comfortable and seen. But, sometimes, I wondered what was going on underneath all that bustling around. I wondered what it would have been like to walk into a room and just… be. I wondered if I could have been at a party, sitting in a corner just existing and not passing appetizers or conversation starters. I wondered who I would have been if I wasn’t talking. I wondered if I would have existed at all.

I thought about my talking more and more as my kids grew up and left the house. They had been the people I talked to and talked about. They gave meaning to my prattling on, like they gave my life meaning. Then they were grown and gone, finding their own meaning, and this changed the quality of my people-pleasing. The people I most wanted to please were away, and maybe I needed to stop for a minute. I needed to take a beat between my old life and my new life.

I needed to just be quiet for a minute.

So I spent three days in Quebec City at le Monastere des Augustines, a 17th century convent and wellness center, to live in silence as the nuns who built this space did for their entire lives. The Augustine sisters were fully cloistered until the 1960s, spending their days in silent prayer and tending to the sick people of this small Canadian city. They pleased people without a word spoken. They healed people, they were midwives, they offered children sanctuary if their parents could not raise them. These sisters did not speak. They chose silence forever. And so I thought I could choose silence for three days, just to see what it was like.

The monastery is not silent for everyone. I thought this would be a challenge. I thought I would trip up the first time someone spoke, and I would want to ask them questions and make them comfortable. Fortunately, for me, when I arrived the staff gave me a button that said “silence,” which is the same in French and English, a button I tapped a few times if someone spoke to me. Everyone staying at the monastery (which was converted into a wellness retreat and museum honoring the Augustinian sisters in 2015) is asked to eat breakfast in the little restaurant, Le Vivoir, in silence. We all have the choice of staying in a private room in a renovated section of the monastery or in one of the former nun’s rooms with shared washroom accommodations. I preferred the latter, sleeping in a clean, spartan twin bed overlooking the Saint Lawrence River. I had my own sink for brushing my teeth, a small table for writing and a large wardrobe for my clothes. A space for me to hide in case I wanted to talk. I thought I would be desperate to talk. 

I was wrong.

A quiet came over me as soon as I unpacked my small suitcase of leggings, sweatshirts, slippers and pajamas. A far cry from the 21 layers of clothing the sisters wore every day, but the ritual felt similar—a meditation of simple details. A notice of my tiny life and who I might be within it. The space I might hold in this quiet. 

My phone pinged with messages from my sons, my partner, my work. I silenced them like I silenced myself.

The silence was easy for me. Easier than I ever would have believed. I smiled at people with my eyes if we were in the little shared reading nook outside my room at the same time. I joined yoga classes in the old stone cellar, French yoga classes that I understood with my eyes closed. I listened and listened to our shared breathing. I breathed my own breath. I was still in myself for three whole days no matter what. On a morning meditation walk through the old city, I listened and said nothing. I went to dinner on my own at a lively pub around the corner, Le Bedeau, where I sat at the bar and let everyone else’s conversation wash over me, unbothered. A small miracle.

I slept as well as I had as a little girl every night, tucked into my twin bed with a book and a hot tea and my own thoughts that felt slower and clearer. I walked a bit slower too. I meandered. I wandered. I went for a sunny afternoon at Strøm Nordic Spa, where I floated and plunged and exfoliated and did not say a word to anyone. They were all fine without me, a concept that terrified me before but now left me feeling soothed.

After three days of quiet, I understood something about myself. No one needs me to fill their spaces. The world won’t fall apart if I don’t fill someone’s drink or offer them a hot dip or make conversation. I can choose to be that person, the people-pleaser and the chatterbox. I like her sometimes.

But I like this new silent woman too. She holds her space. She pleases herself.

Photo by Song_about_summer/Shutterstock