Q:

I have this friend who I’ve always sorta considered “crunchy” and new agey but previously in a pretty harmless way. We’ve always had the sort of relationship with each other where we kind of tease each other because we’re so different. I’m like in my house eating Pringles and ordering pizza and she’s making her own artisanal jams and protein granola or whatever. But like I said, we’re like funny about it with each other and have always sorta enjoyed being opposites (I jokingly call her my Straight Bestie and she calls me her Gay Bestie). She would like bring over homemade healthy snacks for me, and I’d genuinely enjoy them! I’m just not going to do all that myself lol. But recently, her teasing has taken on a sort of critical and judgy tone. She made a joke about wanting to break into my house and throw away all the junk that did not land at all and barely even seemed like a joke. I recently made a joke to her about seed oils and she got REALLY WEIRD so then I was like wait you aren’t succumbing to seed oil bullshit are you? And maybe said something about raw milk too, I can’t remember. But she got so defensive and offended that I would ask that but then also….didn’t exactly deny it? It left a really bad taste in my mouth, and then I went down a rabbithole of some of her recent social media posts and none of it is like GLARINGLY bad. I know she’s vaccinated (though am unsure if she got subsequent boosters). But there’s stuff in there about eating healthy being the ultimate medicine and just some other language that could be orangey flaggy?

Based on the way she reacted to the seed oil question, I’m not sure I can exactly come outright and be like hey you’re not falling for any MAHA/RFK stuff right?!?!?! I know in my heart that she for sure did not vote from Trump and we talk about him being terrible all the time. But something definitely feels off and like am I going to have to deprogram my friend if some conspiracy theory stuff got to her?! I miss the teasing dynamic we used to have, which never felt judgy or mean. WHEN DID NUTRITION BECOME SO POLITICAL?????????

A:

Okay, this is exactly what scares me about all the MAHA stuff and wellness culture. It seems too easy for people of various political alignments to fall for some of MAHA’s talking points. Social media is flooded with information about nutrition and food that is not science- or research-backed. Even I recently had to text a friend of mine who is pretty well versed in wellness culture criticism to ask if red-lens sunglasses are mostly a scam (short answer: yeah, they are). Wanting to be healthy and wanting to eat more ethically are great goals, but they are not really what MAHA is predicated on. It’s an aggressively anti-science movement. And you’re right to be worried about your friend. The MAHA movement is more dangerous than mainstream media sometimes presents it.

If we take the politics out of it for a second (and tbh, nutrition has long been politicized! it’s just becoming more overtly so lately), it’s also just not okay that she’s being judgy of your own food choices. That is not okay, and that is not a good friend. Whatever teasing relationship you had before is between y’all and so long as you were both comfortable, that’s fine and dandy, but the second the dynamic shifted into discomfort and judgement, it sounds like the relationship was (understandably!) tainted. Referring to the food in your house as junk is not okay and assigning moral value to some foods over others is completely counterintuitive to a healthy relationship with food, something your friend supposedly values I’d assume!

So if you aren’t comfortable yet being direct in asking her about her broader beliefs, you might want to at least start here and focus on the personal and intimate. She’s saying things that feel mean to you. You need to let her know how you feel and why. The thing about specific dynamics in a friendship is that, as with any relationship, they can be renegotiated at any point. It sounds like y’all might need to have a conversation about pressing pause on the teasing for now while you work through some of your differences and rebuild trust.

But rebuilding that trust is going to be impossible if your friend is indeed succumbing to dangerous anti-science beliefs. It’s one thing to have playful differences and another to have deep political differences that put your values at odds with each other. It’s a slippery and short slope from “drinks raw milk” to “anti-vaxxer.” Being crunchy doesn’t automatically make you conservative these days, but the right is staking claim to more and more crunchy spaces. If your friend starts selling or pushing supplements, that’s a big red flag, so maybe you should jump in before it gets to that point. I agree, it’ll be hard to do in a way that doesn’t potentially upset her. But I think it sounds like it’s already past the time for those difficult conversations.

You can go into those conversations in good faith but also hold in your heart the possibility that they could have devastating impacts on the friendship. But if there’s at all a chance you could reel your friend in from going down a bad path, I think you should take it. In any case, you should enforce a boundary that criticizing your own food choices is not okay and not something you’re going to tolerate. My guess is that conversation alone will naturally dig up the deeper underlying roots of where your friend is coming from and allow you to get to the bottom of where she really stands.

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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The AV Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1092 articles for us.

“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.”
— Bruce Lee

The biggest and most draining disappointments in our daily lives are often the result of misplaced expectations. This is especially true when it comes to our relationships and interactions with others. So don’t lower your standards, but do remember that removing your expectations of others is the best way to avoid being utterly disappointed and drained by them.

Which means it’s time to…

1. Stop expecting everyone to agree with you.

You deserve to find joy and inner peace in your own way. You deserve to live a life you are in flow with. Don’t let the opinions of others make you forget that. You are not in this world to live up to the expectations of others, nor should you feel that others are here to live up to yours. In fact, the more you approve of your own decisions in life, the less constant approval you need from everyone else.

You have to dare to be yourself and follow your own intuition, however frightening or strange that may feel or prove to be. And don’t compare yourself to others — don’t get discouraged by their progress or success. Follow your own path and stay true to your own purpose. Success is ultimately about spending your life in your own way.

2. Stop expecting people to show you more respect than the amount of respect you show to yourself.

True strength is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles. It’s about having faith and trust in who you are, and a willingness to act upon it consistently. Decide this minute to never again beg anyone for the love, respect, and attention that you should be showing yourself on a daily basis.

Look at yourself in the mirror today and say, “I respect you, and from now on I’m going to act like it.” Yes, it’s important to be nice to others, but it’s even more important to be nice to yourself. When you practice self-respect you give yourself the opportunity to grow. When you are growing, you become a better friend, a better family member, and a better YOU. (Note: Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the Self-Love chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

3. Stop expecting everyone to like you.

You might feel unwanted and unworthy to one person, but you are priceless to another. So never forget your worth! No matter how good you are to people, there will always be one negative person who criticizes you. Smile, ignore their rudeness, and carry on. Spend time with those who value you instead.

Truth be told, in this over-connected world that’s trying to make you like everyone else, the toughest battle you’ll have to fight on the average day is the battle to be yourself. And as you’re fighting back not everyone will like you. Sometimes people will call you names because you’re “different,” but that’s perfectly OK. The things that make you different are the things that make YOU, and the right people will love you for it in the long run.

4. Stop expecting people to perfectly align with your idea of who they are.

Loving and respecting others means allowing them to be themselves. When you stop expecting people to be a certain way, you can begin to appreciate them for who they truly are. So pay close attention, and respect people for their uniqueness and not for who you want them to be.

We simply don’t know most people half as well as we believe we do, and truly knowing someone is a big part of what makes them wonderful. Every human being is remarkable and beautiful in some way; it just takes a patient set of eyes to see it. The more you get to know someone, the more you will be able to look beyond their appearance and see the beauty of who they truly are. (Read “The Mastery of Love”.)

5. Stop expecting everyone to know what you’re thinking.

People can’t read minds. They will never know how you feel unless you tell them. Your boss? Yeah, he doesn’t know you’re hoping for a promotion because you haven’t told him yet. That cute guy you haven’t talked to because you’re shy?  Yeah, you guessed it, he hasn’t given you the time of day simply because you haven’t given him the time of day either.

In life, you have to communicate with others regularly and effectively. And oftentimes you have to open your vocal cords and speak the first words. You have to tell people what you’re thinking if you want a meaningful engagement.

6. Stop expecting the seemingly strong people you know to be perfectly “OK.”

Everyone you know is fighting some kind of battle, just like you. Every smile or sign of strength hides an inner struggle every bit as complex and extraordinary as your own. So be a part of someone’s growth without having that “I’m in a hurry” attitude. What goes around comes around. You can always be kinder than necessary.

Also remember that embracing your light doesn’t mean ignoring your dark. We are often measured by our ability to overcome adversities and insecurities, not avoid them. Thus, leveraging honesty and transparency as it relates to your struggles, to support, share, and make contributions to other people is one of life’s greatest rewards. This happens naturally if we allow it, because we all share very similar doubts, needs, and struggles. And once we accept this, the world then becomes a place where we can look someone else in the eyes and say, “I’m lost and struggling at the moment,” and they can nod back and say, “I know exactly what you mean. You aren’t alone.”

7. Stop expecting the people you care about to suddenly change.

If there’s a specific behavior someone you care about has that you’re hoping disappears over time, it probably won’t. If you really need them to change something, be honest and put all the cards on the table (gracefully) so this person knows how you feel and what you need them to do.

For the most part though, you can’t change people and you shouldn’t try. Either you accept who they are or you choose to give yourself more time away from them. It might sound harsh, but it’s not. When you try to change people, they often remain the same, but when you don’t try to change them — when you support them and allow them the freedom to be as they are — they gradually change in the most beautiful way. Because what really changes is the way you see them.

Honor your boundaries as you ease your expectations.

As you’re diligently working on keeping your expectations in check, it’s also important to maintain healthy and reasonable boundaries. Because inevitably you’re going to run into someone who discredits you, disrespects you, or treats you poorly for no apparent reason at all. The key is to not consume yourself with trying to change them or win their approval (no expectations), and to not leave any space in your heart to hate them. Simply give yourself some healthy space…

Remember that distancing yourself from people who give you negative vibes or unhealthy energy is self-care. Stepping back from situations where you feel unappreciated or disrespected is self-care. Choose to honor your boundaries, respectfully.

Also, practice becoming more aware of your needs, especially as it relates to your expectations. Note the times and circumstances when you’re resentful of fulfilling someone else’s needs. Gradually build healthy boundaries by saying no to gratuitous requests that cause resentfulness in you. Of course, this may be hard at first because it may feel a bit selfish. But if you’ve ever flown on a plane, you know that flight attendants instruct passengers to put on their own oxygen masks before tending to others, even their own children. Why? Because you can’t help others if you’re incapacitated.

In the long run, proactively establishing and enforcing healthy and reasonable boundaries will be one of the most charitable things you can do for yourself and those you care about. These boundaries will foster and preserve the best of you — the most grounded and capable version of you — so you can share the best of yourself with the people who matter most to you.

Now it’s your turn…

Yes, it’s your turn to hope for the best, but expect less. You will certainly bring more joy and inner peace into your life by doing so. Before you go though, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Which one of the points above resonated the most today?

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