We don’t realize how often we hold ourselves back by holding on to everything.

Letting go is not giving up. Letting go is surrendering any needless attachments to particular outcomes and situations. Surrender means showing up in your life with the intention to be your best, and to do the best you know how, without expecting life to be ideal. Have goals, have dreams, take purposeful action, and build solid relationships, but detach from what life must look like every step of the way.

The energy of someone aspiring to create something wonderful today, teamed with a healthy balance of surrender, is far more effective than someone determined to create outcomes with a desperate must-have mentality. Surrender brings inner calmness, awareness, and understanding. And lest we forget that our outer lives are a reflection of our inner state of being.

Thus, take a moment to remind yourself of some heavy things most of us attach to long after it’s time to let go, so you can loosen your grip on them as you move forward…

1. The expectation of how things “should” be.

Try to use frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you today. You are in control of the way you look at life. Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remember that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance. A small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, while the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. Where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt.

2. The way things once were.

You’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or even a week ago. You’re always learning and growing, and life is always evolving. Even though you can’t control everything that happens, you can control your attitude about what happens. And in doing so, you will gradually master change rather than allowing it to master you. So be humble today. Be teachable. The world is bigger than your view of the world. There’s always room for a fresh idea or a next step. But first you must accept the fact that things may never go back to how they used to be, and that this ending is really a new beginning.

3. Old mistakes and errors in judgment.

Forgive yourself for the bad decisions you’ve made in the past, for the times you lacked understanding, for the choices that accidentally hurt others and yourself. Forgive yourself, for being young and reckless. These are all vital lessons. And what matters most right now is your willingness to grow from them.

4. The need to control everything.

Be selective with your energy today. If you can fix a problem, fix it. If you can’t, then accept it and change your thoughts about it. Whatever you do, don’t attempt to invest more energy than you have, tripping over something behind you or something that only exists inside your head. Truth be told, some of the most powerful moments in life happen when you find the courage to let go of what can’t be changed. Because when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself — to grow beyond the unchangeable. And that changes everything.

5. Fantasies of a perfect path, or time to begin.

Too often we waste our time waiting for a path to appear, but it never does. Because we forget that paths are made by walking, not waiting. And we forget that there’s absolutely nothing about our present circumstances that prevents us from making progress again, one tiny step at a time.

6. The desire for quick and easy results.

Everything gets a bit hard and uncomfortable when it’s time to change. That’s just a part of the growth process. Things will get better, one step at a time. And keep in mind that your effort is never wasted, even when it leads to disappointing results. For it always makes you stronger, more educated, and more experienced. So when the going gets tough, be patient and keep going. Just because you are struggling does not mean you are failing. Every great success requires some kind of worthy struggle to get there.

7. Self-doubt.

Every difficult life situation can be an excuse for hopelessness or an opportunity for growth, depending on what you choose to do with it in the present. And in the midst of particularly hard days when I feel that I can’t endure, I try to remind myself that my track record for getting through hard days is 100% so far. The same is true for YOU. We have what it takes! (Note: Angel and I discuss this further in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

8. Daily relationships that make us feel less like ourselves.

Let others take you as you are, or not at all. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes. By being yourself you put something beautiful into the world that was not there before. And in the long run it’s wiser to lose someone over being who you are, than it is to keep them by being someone you’re not. Because it’s easier to fill an empty space in your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space inside yourself where YOU used to be.

9. Old life chapters that are still lingering half-open.

You’re going to mingle with a lot of people in your lifetime. You’re going to have first kisses you feel all the way down to your toes and think “Oh my gosh, I love him,” but really you just loved the kiss. You’re going to meet a friend you think you will know forever, but then something will change and you two will go your separate ways. You’re going to explore different parts of your life with different people who aren’t in it for the long haul, and that isn’t a bad thing. Life is a series of stories, and the way our stories intersect is remarkable. Sometimes people are in our lives for the whole story. Sometimes they are just a short chapter or two. It takes a brave person to know when that chapter is over, and then to turn the page. Be brave! Embrace your goodbyes, because almost every “goodbye” you receive in life sets you up for the next “hello.”

10. The belief that we always need more than we have.

We don’t always need more — we need appreciation. Because we often take for granted the very things that most deserve our attention and gratitude. How often do you pause to appreciate your life just the way it is? Look around right now, and be thankful… for your health, your family, your work, your comforts, your home. Nothing lasts forever. (Note: “The Good Morning Journal: Powerful Prompts & Reflections to Start Every Day” is a great tool for this kind of perspective shift.)

How to practice letting go if life tests you today.

Reflecting on the reminders above can be incredibly grounding, but what can you actively do to let go when the immediate tension inside you is spiraling?

Here’s a brief outline of some initial steps Angel and I personally take (and often recommend to our coaching clients and event attendees) to cope with the immediate tension that arises from disappointing outcomes in our lives:

• Acknowledge the tension inside you. — If you notice yourself getting angry and flustered, it’s a sign that you need to pause, take a deep breath, and practice the remaining steps.
• Resist the urge to act in haste. — The greatest harm comes whenever you act out of anger — actions that might include giving up too soon, consuming unhealthy substances, or even attacking someone else. So whenever you notice anger building up inside you, try not to take any form of destructive action. Instead, turn inward and mindfully assess whatever it is that’s arising.
• Sit with your feelings, and give them space. — Turn directly towards the tension you feel, and just be a witness. See it as something that’s passing through you, but is NOT YOU. It’s a feeling, a dark cloud passing across a vast sky, not a permanent fixture. Treat it that way. Instead of obsessing yourself with the dark cloud’s presence, try to broaden your perspective — give it the space it needs to pass. Sometimes you need a little distance to see things clearly again.
• Be OK with not knowing. — Now that you’ve given yourself some necessary space, tell yourself, “I don’t know why things are this way.” And be OK with this unknowing. Give yourself full permission to not have concrete answers in this moment. What would it be like to allow this moment to unfold without knowing? What is it like to not know what’s going on in the hearts and minds of others? What is it like to not know how to respond to life’s chaos? What is it like to be here right now, without jumping to conclusions?

The bottom line is that when life dishes you a harsh dose of reality, the best first steps involve sitting silently and witnessing the thoughts passing through you. Just witnessing at first, not interfering and not even judging, because by judging too rapidly you have lost the pure witness. The moment you rush to say, “this is absolutely terrible” or “things should be different,” you have already jumped head first into the chaos.

It takes practice to create a gap between the witnessing of thoughts and your response to them. Once the gap is there though, you are in for a great surprise — it becomes evident that you are not the thoughts themselves, nor the tension and chaos influencing them. You are the witness, a watcher, who’s capable of letting go, changing your mindset, and rising above the turmoil.

Now it’s your turn!

Yes it’s your turn to breathe deep, to be present, and to remind yourself that every day is a series of a million tiny miracles. So just do your best to see them today. See how inner peace comes with letting go of what you assume your journey is supposed to be like, and sincerely accepting it for everything that it is…

But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Which one of the points above resonated the most today?

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

If somebody is working on themselves and changing for the better, it’s unnecessary to keep bringing up their past. People can change and grow. You know that’s true. But have you given yourself a fair chance to change and grow, too?

Have you loosened your grip on what’s behind you, so you can step forward again?

If you’re shaking your head, you aren’t alone. At times we all fall victim to our attachments. We simply don’t realize how often we block our own present blessings by holding on to everything so tightly.

Thus, it’s time for a quick true story about life and letting go…

When Our Old Stories Hold Us Back

She rarely makes eye contact. Instead, she looks down at the ground. Because the ground is safer. Because unlike people, it expects nothing in return. She doesn’t have to feel ashamed about her past. The ground just accepts her for who she is right now.

As she sits at the bar next to me, she stares down at her vodka tonic, and then the ground, and then her vodka tonic. “Most people don’t get me,” she says. “They ask me questions like, ‘What’s your problem?’ or ‘Were you beaten as a child?’ But I never respond. Because I don’t feel like explaining myself. And I don’t think they really care anyway.”

Just then, a young man sits down at the bar on the opposite side of her. He’s a little drunk and says, “You’re pretty. May I buy you a drink?” She stays silent and looks back down at the ground. After an awkward moment, he accepts the rejection, gets up, and walks away.

“Would you prefer that I leave too?” I ask. “No,” she says without glancing upward. “But I could use some fresh air. You don’t have to come, but you can if you want to.” I follow her outside and we sit on a street curb in front of the bar.

“Brrr… it’s a really chilly night!”

“Tell me about it,” she says while maintaining her usual downward gaze. The warm vapor from her breath cuts through the cold air and bounces off of the ground in front of her. “So why are you out here with me? I mean, wouldn’t you rather be inside in the warmth, talking to normal people about normal things?”

“I’m out here because I want to be. Because I’m not normal. And look, I can see my breath, and we’re in San Diego. That’s not normal either. Oh, and you’re wearing old Airwalk sneakers, and so am I — which may have been normal in 1994, but not anymore.”

She glances up at me and smirks, this time exhaling her breath upward into the moonlight. “I see you’re wearing a ring. You’re married, right?”

“Yeah,” I reply. “My wife, Angel, is just getting off work now and heading here to meet me for dinner.”

She nods her head and then looks back at the ground. “Well, you’re off the market… and safe, I guess. So can I tell you a story?”

“I’m listening.”

As she speaks, her emotional gaze shifts from the ground, to my eyes, to the moonlit sky, to the ground, and back to my eyes again. This rotation continues in a loop for the duration of her story. And every time her eyes meet mine she holds them there for a few seconds longer than she did on the previous rotation.

I don’t interject once. I listen to every word. And I assimilate the raw emotion present in the tone of her voice and in the depth of her eyes.

When she finishes, she says, “Well, now you know my story. You think I’m a freak, don’t you?”

“Place your right hand on your chest,” I tell her. She does. “Do you feel something?” I ask.

“Yeah, I feel my heartbeat.”

“Now close your eyes, place both your hands on your face, and move them around slowly.” She does. “What do you feel now?” I ask.

“Well, I feel my eyes, my nose, my mouth… I feel my face.”

“That’s right,” I reply. “But unlike you, stories don’t have heartbeats, and they don’t have faces. Because stories are not alive — they’re not people. They’re just stories.”

She stares into my eyes for a prolonged moment, smiles sincerely and says, “Just stories we live through.”

“Yeah… And stories we learn from.”

The Hard Lessons We Learn by Letting Go

The woman from the story above became one of our very first students when Angel and I opened the doors to the original version of the Getting Back to Happy course a decade ago, and she’s now a friend of ours too. She has learned and applied many remarkable lessons over the years that ultimately allowed her to let go of her difficult past — her story — and move forward with her life. And last night I sat down with her over a cup of tea and had an in-depth, soul-centered conversation about what she has learned over the years. I’m sharing her story and lessons with you today, with permission, because I know we all struggle in similar ways…

Here are four hard, actionable lessons we discussed:

1. You can have a heartbreaking story from the past without letting it dominate your present life.

In the present moment we all have some kind of pain: anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment, regret, etc.

Notice this pain within yourself, watch it closely, and see that it’s caused by whatever story you have in your head about what happened in the past (either in the recent past or in the distant past). Your mind might insist that the pain you feel is caused by what happened (not by the story in your head about it), but what happened in the past is NOT happening right now. It’s over. It has passed. But the pain is still happening right now because of the story you’ve been subconsciously telling yourself about that past incident.

Note that “story” does not mean “fake story.” It also does not mean “true story.” The word “story” in the context of your self-evaluation doesn’t have to imply true or false, positive or negative, or any other kind of forceful judgment call. It’s simply a process that’s happening inside your head:

• You are remembering something that happened.
• You subconsciously perceive yourself as a victim of this incident.
• Your memory of what happened causes a strong emotion in you.

So just notice what story you have, without judging it, and without judging yourself. It’s natural to have a story; we all have stories. See yours for what it is. And see that it’s causing you pain. Then take a deep breath, and another…

Inner peace begins the moment you take these deep breaths and choose not to allow the past to dominate your present thoughts and emotions. (Note: Angel and I discuss this process in more detail in the “Happiness” chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently” and throughout the guided journal, “The Good Morning Journal: Powerful Prompts & Reflections to Start Every Day”.)

2. A big part of letting go is simply realizing there’s nothing to hold on to in the first place.

All of the things from our past that we desperately try to hold on to, as if they’re real, solid, everlasting fixtures in our lives, aren’t really there. Or if they are there in some form, they’re changing, fluid, impermanent, or simply imagined storylines in our minds.

Life gets a lot easier to deal with the moment we understand this.

Imagine you’re blindfolded and treading water in the center of a large swimming pool, and you’re struggling desperately to grab the edge of the pool that you think is nearby, but really it’s not—it’s far away. Trying to grab that imaginary edge is stressing you out, and tiring you out, as you splash around aimlessly trying to holding on to something that isn’t there.

Now imagine you pause, take a deep breath, and realize that there’s nothing nearby to hold on to. Just water around you. You can continue to struggle with grabbing at something that doesn’t exist… or you can accept that there’s only water around you, and relax, and float.

Today I challenge you to ask yourself:

• What’s something from the past that you are still desperately trying to hold on to?
• How is it affecting you in the present?

Then imagine the thing you’re trying to hold on to doesn’t really exist. Envision yourself letting go… and just floating.

How might that change your life from this moment forward?

3. The subtle pain you continue to feel can be healed through compassion for those suffering alongside you.

When we’re still working through a painful experience from the past, it’s easy to feel like we’re going through it alone — like no one else could possibly understand how we feel. In a way, we subconsciously place ourselves at the center of the universe, and see everything that happened exclusively from the viewpoint of how it affects us personally, without regard for anyone else. But as we grow through our pain and gradually broaden our horizons, we begin to see that our self-centered thinking is only fueling our misery. And we realize that shifting our focus onto others for a while can help.

It’s one of life’s great paradoxes: when we serve others, we end up benefiting as much if not more than those we serve. So whenever you feel pain from the past trying to suck you back in, shift your focus from your circumstances to the circumstances of those near and far.

The simplest way of doing this at any given moment?

Practice letting your breath be an anchor for global healing. Breathe in whatever painful feeling you’re feeling, and breathe out relief from that pain for everyone in the world who is suffering alongside you. For example:

• If you’re feeling grief, breathe in all the grief of the world… then breathe out peace.
• If you’re feeling anger, breathe in all the anger of the world… then breathe out forgiveness.
• If you’re feeling regretful, breathe in all the regret of the world… then breathe out gratitude for the good times.

Do this for a minute or two as often as you need to, imagining all the pain of those near and far coming in with each breath, and then a feeling of compassion and reconciliation radiating out to all of those who are in pain as you breathe out. Instead of running from your past and the pain it caused you, you’re embracing it… you’re letting yourself absorb it. And you’re thinking of others as well, which gets you out of that miserable, self-centered mindset trap.

4. There is always, always, always something to be grateful for.

Even when your past — your story — tries to pull you back in, you can consciously do your best to focus on your present blessings. What do you see in your life right now? Be thankful for the good parts. For your health, your family, your friends, or your home. Many people don’t have these things.

Remind yourself that the richest human is rarely the one who has the most, but the one who needs less. Wealth is a daily mindset. Want less and appreciate more today. Easier said than done of course, but with practice gratitude does get easier. And as you practice, you transform your past struggles into present moments of freedom.

Ultimately, on the average day, happiness is letting go of what you assume your life is supposed to be like right now and sincerely appreciating it for everything that it is. So at the end of this day, before you close your eyes, be at peace with where you’ve been and grateful for what you have right now. Life has goodness.

Now it’s your turn…

Again, the lessons above take practice to fully grasp in real time. So just do your best to bring awareness to this gradually — to practice — so you can let go one day at a time. Keep reminding yourself…

• You are not your bad days
• You are not your mistakes
• You are not your scars
• You are not your past

Be here now and breathe.

And before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

Asking the right questions is the answer.

In a recent email newsletter I wrote, “Calm your mind today. Don’t just think outside the box; think like there is no box.”

And to my surprise, 97 people quoted that line and responded with the same general question: “How?”

I’ve spent the morning thinking about how to answer their collective question in the most universal way possible, and I’ve decided that the simplest explanation I can give is this: Ask yourself better questions — questions that focus your thoughts and filter out the excess noise that’s been cluttering your mind.

The calming and healing power of a positive imagination is unleashed by constraining your focus. Constraints drive creativity and force mindful thinking. It may sound counterintuitive at first but, in a backwards way, you break out of the box by stepping into the right shackles.

And that’s exactly what the questions below can help you with — shackling the noise in your head by channeling your focus into meaningful thoughts and moments of self-refection. Let these questions shift your perspective and guide you forward…

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Please share the questions above with others who you think will benefit from them. And as always, please share your thoughts with Marc and me in the comments section below. If you’re up to it, we would love to read your response to the very first question:  In one sentence, who are you?

(Also note that many of these photo-illustrated questions were initially created for our sister site, Thought Questions, but since we rarely update that site anymore we decided to share the questions with you here. Finally, many of these questions have also been published in the guided journal, “The Good Morning Journal”.)
For photo credits please refer to ThoughtQuestions.com

One of the laws of physics I learned in high school was the Second Law of Thermodynamics.

Officially, it says, “The level of disorder in the universe is steadily increasing. Systems tend to move from ordered behavior to more random behavior.“

In simpler terms, it says this: Left on their own, systems tend toward disorder.

That’s why a cup of coffee left on the counter cools over time, not the other way around. It’s why sandcastles crumble, buildings decay, and 52 playing cards thrown on the floor don’t become a stacked deck on their own. Everything, in the absence of outside energy, moves from order to chaos.

This law is always at work—in nature, in science—and in our homes and lives.

I was thinking about this fact recently as I finished writing the manuscript of my next book. The words were typed on my computer, of course. But over the months of researching and writing, I collected a large number of notes and pieces of paper—loose sheets of handwritten outlines, printed pages to edit, notecards, lists, folders of relevant projects, even a stack of books I referenced often. Over time, I placed more and more of them on a shelf near my desk.

As the writing continued, the pile slowly grew. One stack turned into two, and two stacks turned into three. Piles of notecards got higher and higher. Papers intermingled. Things got buried. The mess expanded, more and more, until eventually the entire shelf was overtaken with notes for the book.

The mess didn’t improve with time—it only worsened. The system tended toward disorder, not order. And it stayed that way, until just last week, when the book was completed and I finally took the time and effort to clean it up fully.

Because here’s the thing about messes: They don’t clean themselves. They require attention.

When my kids were younger, Kim and I had a mantra that we would use often. Especially after meals or light snacks in the evening, if someone left their plate on the counter near the sink, I’d say, “You know that plate’s not going to clean itself. Somebody in this family is going to have to do it. It might as well be you since you’re the one who dirtied it.”

I wish I could say the mantra was 100% effective—but we all know better than that.

Regardless, there is an important truth hidden in that reality that we would be wise to remind ourselves of—even beyond our teenage years.

Messes don’t clean themselves. The universe moves naturally toward disorder, not order.

This is important to see and apply accordingly in our homes. Messes only grow as clutter attracts more and more clutter.

• The mail you left on the counter will only pile up higher—until you make the effort to sort it.
• The dishes in your sink will remain dirty—until you make the effort to clean them.
• The clothes in your closet will take up more and more space—until you make the effort to discard some.
• The boxes of stuff in your basement will remain there—until you take the time to sort them.
• The garage will remain too full to park in—until you get out there and declutter the stuff.

And maybe, some of us need to stop reading right here, and go make the change to bring about the order in our home that we’ve been wanting.

But this principle doesn’t stop at our possessions. Messes don’t clean themselves. The universe only moves toward order when energy is applied:

If we’re living paycheck to paycheck, avoiding the numbers won’t change the math. Our attention and energy is required to fix it.

If our lifestyle is unhealthy, doing the same thing over and over won’t bring change. Our attention and energy is required to change it.

If we don’t like the direction of our life, attention and energy will be required to start moving in a different direction.

If there is a strained relationship in our life, ignoring the hard work won’t solve it. Attention, energy—and probably humility—will be required.

We can spend a lot of time waiting for the right moment, the perfect motivation, or the ideal set of circumstances. But messes rarely resolve themselves as we wait. They grow. And the longer we delay, the more energy it takes to clean them up.

So maybe today is a good day to ask: What mess in my life is waiting for my attention?

And what small step can I take before the sun sets to begin cleaning it up?

“Being free isn’t actually that easy.” ~Unknown

I’ve always been an achiever. I’ve worked hard to reach goals: I was good at school, then got a good job, and ended up making good money. My colleagues valued my clear view of the goal, my ability to break down the big task into parts that one can work on, casting it all as individual problems that one can solve. I was diligent, hard-working, and reliable. An employer’s dream employee.

At the same time, I’ve always had a wish to be “free.” Not so much from outer constraints, but from inner ones—depressive episodes, difficult feelings, painful experiences. It sounds terribly naive when you put it like that, but I guess it was a wish to live “happily ever after” at some point in the future.

And I was willing to work hard to achieve that, too.

In hindsight, it all seems clear how that was bound to fail. But working hard was the one thing I knew how to do, so I applied it to everything, including the wish for happiness, the wish for inner freedom.

I tried a range of different things and ended up connecting with Buddhism. I think what appealed to me was the clear outline of a path to achieving happiness, the methods, and the way the goal was described: enlightenment, awakening, the ultimate inner freedom. So I learned about the methods and began applying myself to them.

With my scattered mind, I sat down trying to watch my breath. With aching knees, I sat for hours repeating mantras, counting how many repetitions I “got in,” making progress toward the numeric goal of 100,000 repetitions of various things. That took years.

I think my wife noticed long before me that there was something unhealthy in my approach. She pointed out how I came down the stairs with a “forced smile” after a long meditation session. She tried to encourage me to “live.” It was no good; I wouldn’t listen.

The harder I tried to work at it, the more frustrated I became. Since I didn’t see the progress I craved— like peace of mind, like mental calm—I thought the solution was clear: I had to try harder. Devote more time to it, reduce other activities more. Retracting from the world, rather than living in it, my wife called it.

The big irony was that, in order to feel more alive, I cut myself off from life more and more. I tried to achieve inner freedom by applying the same habitual patterns that governed my life: striving hard, unrelentingly.

I once saw a postcard with the drawing of a parrot walking out of its birdcage, while wearing a small birdcage like a helmet around its head. The words on the card said, “Being free isn’t actually that easy.” I think it summarizes very well how I was trapped trying to be free.

When my tenacious striving ended up threatening my marriage, I sought help from a therapist, and that’s when things started to change.

I became aware of the pattern I was caught in. The narrow-mindedness of feeling that I had to achieve something big. The unspoken wish that one day, someone would tap me on the shoulder and say, “Well done.” The rejection of life in the name of an abstract goal—ironically, in my case, the goal of wanting to be truly alive.

I can’t say change happened overnight, although there was this one therapy session where I had a sense that I could feel that inner truth of just being, of awareness. That felt real and true—and much more than any external rules and descriptions of a path, it has been my compass, my guiding light ever since.

What amazes me most is that for so many years, I just didn’t see the obvious: that I was applying my habitual patterns of ambition and goal-oriented striving to meditation, to the search for inner freedom. How on earth did I not see that?

Frankly, I think it’s like with the fish and the water. The joke of the old fish meeting two young fish and asking them, “How’s the water today?” and the young fish responding, “What do you mean, water?” It’s so around you, so much an integral part of your lived experience, that you don’t even notice.

After that recognition, I think the process has been gradual, and I would say it’s ongoing. The key thing is that I recognize striving as striving now. I’m in touch with the emotional tone that comes with it and have gradually learned to take it as a warning sign. Whenever I feel the narrowness of wanting to achieve, I now pause to check if I’m just digging myself into a hole again.

As a result, there is now a sense of acceptance, of acknowledging that some things cannot be achieved by willpower. That feeling alive isn’t really something you can work at. In fact, today I’d say it’s the opposite: the way to feel alive is to relax into the reality of the moment, again and again. It’s admitting to myself what’s really there, in every situation, pleasant and unpleasant. It’s breathing with the pain, cherishing the pleasant moments. Valuing the people in my life.

In short, I’ve given up on the “big goals.” I still meditate every day, but I do it differently now: I always try to work with what’s really there in that particular moment—sitting quietly with the breath on some days, working with emotions on others, maybe formulating wishes for well-being on the third day… There are so many options, and the key to making it a living practice, for me, has been to allow myself to start with what’s really there, every day anew.

If any of this rings a bell, if you feel stuck trying to live a meaningful life, here are the lessons I’m drawing from my experience.

1. Choose a direction, not a destination.

To me, owning my life is a cornerstone. Grabbing the steering wheel, deciding on my own priorities rather than simply living according to a script that’s provided from the outside. So I totally stand by that original aim of wanting to live with inner freedom.

In fact, if you don’t already have a clear sense of what you want your life to be, I strongly recommend taking some time to explore that question for yourself. There are great methods for this—reflective prompts or journal exercises that help you envision your ideal future.

I’ve realized that what matters most is the direction I’m giving to my life—not so much a specific outcome, let alone a timeline for achieving it. Attainable goals have their place with respect to the outside world, such as working toward an education or a place to live, but with respect to inner processes, I’m now convinced that you cannot force things. At the same time, my orientation in the present situation matters deeply and makes all the difference.

2. Be patient and gentle with yourself.

This is the hard part for an achiever like me. My habitual disposition is wanting to measure progress. So after I realized the dead end I had maneuvered myself into with that goal-oriented approach to meditation, it’s been an ongoing challenge. The creature of habit in me continues to want to “be good at it,” to achieve.

The process has been, and continues to be, getting to know that driven feeling and learning to actively soften it whenever I notice it. One helpful practice has been tuning into the tone of my inner voice—the one reminding me to let go of goals and relax. How friendly or harsh does it sound? And if it’s rather impatient, can I soften that too?

Suddenly, rather than chasing some goal, I’m exploring what’s really there in myself, discovering and cultivating a friendly stance every day anew.

3. Connect with your inner compass.

I’m a rational person, and I often insist on spelling out the reasons for a decision. As far as things go in the world out there, I think that’s useful, even though I tend to overdo it sometimes.

At the same time, I believe that I have an “inner compass,” which I discovered during my therapy sessions and that I find difficult to put into words. It’s a sense of whether something feels right that I can somehow feel in my body.

I value this sense as extremely precious, even though I cannot describe it well. This inner compass is the most important guiding principle for me regarding “inner” topics, which cannot always be explained through logic or reason. It’s about whether something feels healthy, whether it seems to move you in the right direction.

Tuning into this compass, even when I can’t explain it, helps me stay true to myself, no matter what situation I’m in.

—

To me, the result of applying these principles has been great. I guess I won’t be enlightened any time soon, but the good thing is, I’m much happier with that now than I’ve ever been in my life.

About Marc Schröder

Marc is a software engineer and meditator of many years, trying to live a meaningful life. With his wife, a licensed psychiatric nurse, he has created the app Mindfulness to go which offers mindfulness practices applicable to everyday life. Download it today for iPhone and Android from www.mindfulness-to-go.com/en/get-the-app. As a reader of Tiny Buddha, you’ll get the first month free by entering the code “tinybuddha.”

Some people, it seems, merely drift through life. While others appear driven and focused.

Have you ever wondered why that is? Is it personality? Upbringing? Talent? Ambition?

There’s no doubt that those factors play a role in how each of us approach life.

But I think there is something more important, something available to all of us, that also motivates us to live intentional lives—and ultimately become the best version of ourselves.

That potential can be found in the size of the dream we choose to pursue.

You see, when the goals that we choose for ourselves are meaningful—when they matter deeply to our hearts and souls—they compel us and equip us to become better versions of ourselves. Therefore, getting clear on what is most important to us is an important step in self-development.

We can drift through life pursing nothing. We can take small steps to accomplish small goals. Or we can live each day with passion and ambition to accomplish something lasting.

There are two ways big dreams help us grow:

1. They almost always require our hardest work. And because of that, we are forced to improve and develop ourselves if we are ever going to meet them.

2. But even more important, our dreams and goals motivate us and shape us. When we pursue meaningful pursuits, work is no longer drudgery. Work becomes meaningful. Discipline and sacrifice are not activities to avoid. Our goals make them desirable—because our focus is on a prize worth giving everything for.

In that way, we don’t become better versions of ourselves by accident or because someone required us to do so. That is always a recipe for disaster. We become better because the finish line is worth becoming better for.

Unfortunately, not every dream brings out the best in us.

If the biggest goals in our lives center on items that bring only fleeting or passing or temporary happiness, they may motivate us for a bit. But in the long run, our hearts and souls scream out to us that the pursuit is empty.

Goals of accumulating money, possessions, or popularity can motivate for awhile. But often, at some point in our lives, we realize that we sold out our greatest potential for the fading trinkets of this world. When we are focused on self, comparison, leisure, or when we allow fear to dictate the size of our dreams, we end up chasing things that can never satisfy. And our development is stunted.

There’s nothing wrong with being successful in a career or becoming the best employee or boss that we can possibly become. But we sell ourselves short when our dreams stop at comfort, status, or luxury.

There are more meaningful dreams available to us:

—Raising a family that can carry your values and legacy into future generations.
—Solving problems that we see in the world.
—Loving the people around us and contributing to society in a positive way.
—Serving others, benefiting others, using our talents and gifts to help others.
—Passing on wisdom and understanding to move people forward.
—Bringing about the greatest good in the world with the one life that we have to live.

These are the kinds of dreams that change us in the long-run. They shape our mornings, afternoons, and evenings. They shape how we spend our money and our hours. They redefine fulfillment and meaning. And in so doing, they compel us to become better versions of ourselves each day and every day.

So dream bigger dreams for your life than possessions or money or status.

The bigger the dream, the better version of ourselves we become.

And everybody benefits from that.

What You Will Learn

• Habit stacking involves linking a new habit to an existing one for easier adoption.
• Leveraging neural pathways makes it simpler to form new habits over time.
• The release of dopamine during habit completion reinforces positive behavior.
• Habit stacking can enhance productivity, improve mental health, and create lasting change.
• Regular reflection and journaling can help track progress and adjust habits effectively.

Pro Tip

Did you know? Visual reminders can significantly enhance your habit stacking success. Consider placing sticky notes in visible areas, setting alarms on your phone, or using apps that remind you of your new stacked habits. These cues serve as powerful nudges, helping to solidify your new behaviors and ensure consistency.

Recap of Key Points

• Definition of Habit Stacking: Linking new habits to existing ones to create seamless transitions.
• Process of Habit Stacking: Identify a current habit, add a new behavior, and link them together for effective habit formation.
• Scientific Basis: Leverages neural pathways and dopamine release to reinforce new behaviors.
• Benefits: Enhances routine formation, supports mental well-being, increases productivity, and utilizes positive reinforcement.
• Encouragement to Start: Begin small by stacking one or two new habits onto existing routines.
• Journaling: Reflect on progress, celebrate successes, and adjust strategies based on insights.

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”
– Annie Dillard

Are you willing to spend a little time every day like most people won’t, so you can spend the better part of your life like most people can’t?

Think about that question for a moment. Let it sink in. You ultimately become what you repeatedly do. The acquisition of knowledge doesn’t mean you’re growing — growing happens only when what you know changes how you live on a daily basis (most people miss the second part).

And isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different? That’s the power of daily habits.

Now it’s time think about your habits — the little things you do every day.

Because these little things define you.

All the results in your life come from these little things.

Regardless of your unique life circumstances, or how you define success, you don’t suddenly become successful. You become successful over time based on your habits.

Failure occurs in the same way. All your little daily failures (that you don’t learn and grow from) come together and cause you to fail…

• You keep failing to check the books.
• You keep failing to make the calls.
• You keep failing to listen to your customers.
• You keep failing to innovate.
• You keep failing to do the little things that need to be done.

Then one day you wake up and your business has failed. It was all the little things you did or didn’t do on a daily basis — your habits — not just one inexplicable, catastrophic event.

Think about how this relates to your life.

Your life is your “business!”

And your habits make or break you, one day at a time.

Even the seemingly insignificant daily habits you engage in can produce ripples of consequence, for better or worse.

So how have you been managing your habits, and thus your life?

Are the little things you’re doing every day working for you or against you? If you think the answer might be the latter, you will find value in the essential daily habits listed below. Each of them gradually strengthens common weak points we’ve seen plaguing hundreds of our course students, coaching clients, and live event attendees over the past 15 years (these weak points are little negative patterns of behavior that most of us struggle with at some point).

And remember, this article is about making small, sustainable changes in your routine behavior. That means practicing each one of these habits gradually — one at a time, one day at a time, and then letting them build on one another over time. Go from zero to six over the course of six months or so, not all at once…

1. Wash your dishes, mindfully.

Yes, I literally mean washing your dishes. It’s just one small step forward: When you eat your oatmeal, wash your bowl and spoon. When you finish drinking your morning coffee, rinse the coffee pot and your mug. Don’t leave any dirty dishes in the sink or on the counter for later. Wash them immediately.

Form this small habit one dish at a time, one day at a time. Once you do this consistently for a couple weeks, you can start making sure the sink has been wiped clean too. Then the counter. Then put your clothes where they belong when you take them off. Then start doing a few sit-ups every morning. Eat a few vegetables for dinner. And so forth.

Do one of these at a time, and you’ll start to build a healthy habit of practicing self-discipline, and finally know yourself to be capable of doing the little things that must be done, and finishing what you start.

But again, to start, just wash your dishes. Mindfully, with a smile.

2. Consciously focus on the positive.

As described in the bestselling book “The Happiness Advantage”, recent scientific studies have shown that doctors who are put in a positive mood before making a diagnosis consistently experience significant boosts to their intellectual abilities than doctors in a neutral state, which allows them to make accurate diagnoses almost 20% faster. The same studies then shifted to other vocations and found that optimistic salespeople outsell their pessimistic counterparts by over 50%. Students primed to feel happy before taking math tests substantially outperform their neutral peers. So it turns out that our minds are literally hardwired to perform at their best not when they are negative, or even neutral, but when they are generally positive.

Of course, that’s not to say that successful people never get upset, but your effectiveness in all walks of life will fare better if you’re able to mindfully accept and let go of negative emotions, rather than dwelling on them. Think a little less about managing your problems and a little more about managing your mindset. Keep it generally positive.

3. Use visual reminders to stay on track.

You want to get in shape, but when you’re tired it’s easy to rationalize that you’ll start exercising and eating healthier tomorrow. You want to build a more profitable business, but when you’re caught up in the daily grind it’s easy to just do what’s familiar instead of what’s required for growth. You want to nurture your closest relationships, but when you’re busy it’s easy to rationalize that you really need to work on that client proposal instead. In other words, few good things come easy, and when the going gets tough we often take the easy way out — even though the easy way takes us the wrong way.

To combat this, many successful people use visual reminders that pull them back from the brink of their weak impulses. A friend of ours who has paid off over $100K of debt in the past five years has a copy of her credit card balance taped to her work computer’s monitor; it serves as a daily reminder of both the progress she has made and debt she still wants to pay off. Another friend keeps a photo of herself when she was 90 pounds heavier on her refrigerator as a reminder of the unhealthy lifestyle she never wants to go back to. And another fills his office bulletin board with family photos, both because he loves looking at them and because, when work gets really tough, these photos remind him of the people he is ultimately working for.

Think of moments when you are most likely to give in to impulses that take you farther away from your ultimate goals. Then use visual reminders of those goals to quietly interrupt the impulses, and keep you on track.

4. Practice journaling.

If you want to get somewhere in life, you need a map, and your journal is that map. You can write down what you did today, what you tried to accomplish, where you made mistakes, and so much more. It’s a place to reflect. It’s a place to capture important thoughts. It’s a place to sort out where you’ve been and where you intend to go. And it’s one of the most underused, yet incredibly effective tools available to the masses.

Just this morning, I spent 15 minutes journaling about some recent events in my life that I’m grateful for, and some that are still troubling me. As I was wrapping up, the idea for the blog post you’re reading now came to me, which was a pleasant surprise since I hadn’t yet decided what I was going to share with you today.

I also unearthed some incredibly healthy insights regarding an important relationship that I had been neglecting, which motivated me to immediately send out a text message to someone I care about who I’ve been meaning to reconnect with. We now have a brunch date scheduled for next Sunday.

So as you can infer, your time spent focusing inward and journaling doesn’t just help you — your mind is powerful and your thoughts create ripples in the world around you. When you bring clarity into your life, you bring the best of yourself into everything you do — you tend to treat yourself and others better, communicate more constructively, do things for the right reasons, and ultimately improve the world you’re living in. This is why journaling for a short time every day can actually make a significant real-world difference in your life. (Note: If you’re interested in starting a journaling practice, or simply expanding on your current practice, check out “The Good Morning Journal”.)

5. Observe or study the work of mentors.

Regardless of what you’re trying to achieve, you can’t do it completely alone. It can be hard to learn actionable skills from books, and sometimes the internet makes it difficult to separate truth from fiction. You need someone who has been where you want to go, and you need them to show you the way — you need a mentor.

Sure, 10,000 hours of diligent practice can make you an expert at something, but what makes you dedicate 10,000 hours to something in the first place? The answer is having a great mentor or two. If you study the lives of enough successful people, it becomes obvious that most world-class performers in all fields — athletes, musicians, entrepreneurs, etc. — had incredible mentors, coaches or role models who made the activity of practice worthwhile and rewarding.

And sometimes just observing a mentor works wonders too. When we observe someone we want to learn from and we have a crystal clear idea of what we want to create for ourselves, it unlocks a tremendous amount of motivation. Human beings are socially inclined, and when we get the idea that we want to join some elite circle up above us, that is what really motivates us to achieve greatness. “Look, they did it. I can do it too!” It may sound overly simplistic, but spending time studying people who are great can be one of the most powerful things you can do for your success.

6. Give thanks before bed.

Overlooking everything that’s wonderful is a tragedy, and a very debilitating one. When you get lost in worried thoughts about a life situation you think you “should” have, you end up missing the beauty of everything you do have. And you will never be happy if you aren’t consciously thankful for the good things in your life.

Here’s a super simple, five-minute daily gratitude exercise that has worked wonders for hundreds of our students and coaching clients over the past 16 years:

Every evening before you go to bed, write down three things that went well during the day and their causes. Simply provide a short, causal explanation for each good thing.

That’s it. We spend tens of thousands of dollars on expensive electronics, big homes, fancy cars, and lavish vacations hoping for a boost of happiness. This is a free alternative, and it works.

In a study of this gratitude exercise’s effectiveness by the famed psychologist Martin Seligman, participants were asked to follow those exact instructions for just one week. After one week the participants were measurably 2% happier than before, but in follow-up tests their happiness kept on increasing, from 5% at one month, to 9% at six months. Even more interestingly, the participants were only required to keep this gratitude journal for one week, but the majority of them continued journaling on their own because they enjoyed it.

I tried it for myself nearly two decades ago — I set a goal of doing it for just one week, and I’m still doing it today. So I can assure you it’s effective.

A journey of renewing trust in yourself.

Renewing trust in yourself is one of the most significant hidden benefits of practicing the aforementioned daily habits. In fact, what Angel and I lacked before we learned to implement these kinds of daily habits was the trust that we were actually capable of achieving positive results in our lives. We went through a very difficult time together when we were in our twenties — both of us were grieving significant losses in our lives, and we repeatedly failed to get back on our feet. As the weeks rolled into months, we had grown so discouraged in ourselves that we started subconsciously choosing procrastination over future attempts to make progress on the promises we made to ourselves — to heal and move forward.

In essence, we lost trust in both our abilities and ourselves. It’s kind of like another person constantly lying to you — eventually you stop trusting them. The same holds true with the promises you make to yourself that always end in disappointment. Eventually you stop trusting yourself.

And the solution in most cases is the same too: you have to renew your trust gradually, with tiny promises, tiny steps (your daily habits), and tiny victories. Of course this process takes time, but it happens relatively quick if you stick to it. And it’s arguably one of the most important, life-changing things you can do for yourself.

Now it’s your turn…

Yes, it’s your turn to take the next step with one of the aforementioned daily habits. But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay and its ideas. Your feedback is important to us.

Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

The most powerful changes happen when we decide to take control of what we do have power over, instead of craving control over what we do not.

Holding on is hard. Holding on contributes to stress, unhappiness, relationship issues, and so much more. Yet, as human beings, we cling desperately to almost everything…

• We don’t like change, so we hold on tight to the past.
• We want life to be the way we think it “should” be.
• We get attached to our ideals even when they hurt us.

Over the past 15 years, as Marc and I have gradually worked with hundreds of coaching clients and live event attendees, we’ve come to understand that the root cause of most human stress is simply our stubborn propensity to hold on to things. In a nutshell, we hold on tight to the hope that things will go exactly as we imagine, and then we complicate our lives to no end when they don’t.

So how can we stop holding on today?

By realizing that there’s nothing to hold on to in the first place.

Most of the things we desperately try to hold on to, as if they’re real, solid, everlasting fixtures in our lives, aren’t really there. Or if they are there in some form, they’re changing, fluid, impermanent, or simply imagined in our minds.

Life gets a lot easier to deal with when we understand this.

Imagine you’re blindfolded and treading water in the center of a large swimming pool, and you’re struggling desperately to grab the edge of the pool that you think is nearby, but really it’s not — it’s far away. Trying to grab that imaginary edge is stressing you out, and tiring you out, as you splash around aimlessly trying to holding on to something that isn’t there.

Now imagine you pause, take a deep breath, and realize that there’s nothing nearby to hold on to. Just water around you. You can continue to struggle with grabbing at something that doesn’t exist… or you can accept that there’s only water around you, and relax for a moment, and float.

I challenge you to ask yourself right now:

• What are you desperately trying to hold on to?
• How is holding on like this affecting your life?

Then imagine the thing you’re trying to hold on to doesn’t really exist.

Envision yourself letting go… and just floating.

Think about how that decision could change your life.

For Marc and me, it honestly changed everything. And hundreds of people we’ve worked with over the years have had similar results. Here are some good reasons and ways life changes for the better once we loosen our grip:

1. When we let go, we allow ourselves to make the most of things.

A big part of your ability to be happy and successful in the long run relies on your willingness to let go of what you think your life is supposed to be like right now, sincerely appreciate it for everything that it is, and then make the very best of it. Remember, when you stop worrying about what you can’t control, you have more time and energy to change the things you can control.

2. When we let go, we’re able to use our resources more effectively.

Again, holding on is wanting to control the uncontrollable. Letting go and allowing uncontrollable things to happen, on the other hand, means these uncontrollable things will take care of themselves more naturally, and your needs will also be better met in the process. At the very least, you will have less to do (less to control) and more time and energy to focus on the things that truly matter — the things you actually can control — like some positive and effective daily rituals.

3. When we let go, we free our minds from extra worries.

When you are lost in worry it’s easy to mistake your worries for reality, instead of recognizing that they are just thoughts. Do your best to be more mindful. Let your presence expand and your overthinking shrink. Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in all the present possibilities.

4. When we let go, we learn more about how life really works.

When you hold on to how things “should” be, you automatically block yourself from the truth. You resist how everything works rather than learning about it. The key is to educate yourself about your present circumstances and then work smarter with what you’ve got. (Note: Marc and I discuss this further in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

5. When we let go, we get to appreciate others for who they are.

It’s about loosening up and learning to appreciate different perspectives, lifestyles, and opinions, even if it means overcoming your ego and opening your mind beyond what’s comfortable. It’s about letting those you care about be unapologetically themselves, and not distorting them to fit your own egotistical idea of who you think they “should” be.

6. When we let go, we’re less distracted by people-pleasing.

How often has your life been driven by the misunderstandings and unfair judgments of others? And how often have these misunderstandings and judgments stressed you out simply because you thought you could control the way everyone sees you? The truth is most people will see what they want to see whether you worry about it or not. It’s time to let go of trying to control how everybody perceives you. It’s time to just do the best you can!

7. When we let go, we allow ourselves to grow and heal.

If someone breaks your heart, it’s not easy to deal with. But you can heal as long as you’re willing to accept the circumstances and then gradually move through them. For example, you may catch yourself thinking, “Why did I ever love him? I should never have given him my heart!” But that’s not a helpful thought. If you didn’t love him, this never would have happened. But you did. That’s reality. And accepting that reality and everything that followed is part of letting it go, and growing from it.

8. When we let go, it gets easier to forgive ourselves.

Ask yourself: Is it possible that all the “bad” or “foolish” things you’ve done have been forgiven and forgotten by almost everyone who matters in your life, except you? The answer is likely yes. Sometimes you’ve just got to look at yourself in the mirror and say, “This did happen. It was bad judgment. It was a mistake. But I’ve grown from it. I was, and I am, worthy of my own love and forgiveness.”

9. When we let go, we get to enjoy more of life’s little surprises.

Life is so full of unpredictable beauty and brilliant little surprises. And sometimes the sudden, unexpected arrival of this beauty is almost too much to handle. Do you know that feeling? When something is just too beautiful? When someone randomly says something or writes something or plays some melody that moves you to the point of tears. Do you really want to miss out on that feeling for the rest of your life? No? Then it’s time to let go of the constant rumination and pay closer attention to the life you’re actually living today.

10. When we let go, we live more gratefully (and gracefully).

To let go is, in part, to be grateful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and helped you learn and grow. It’s the acceptance of everything you have, everything you once had, and the possibilities that are appearing over the horizon. It’s all about finding the strength to embrace life’s inevitable changes, to trust your own instincts, to learn as you go, to realize that almost every experience has value, and to continue taking positive steps forward.

An exercise for letting things breathe as you let go…

If you’d like another actionable way to practice letting go (like the opening visualization exercise on “floating”), this two-step closing exercise is for YOU:

1. As you read these words, you are breathing. Stop for a moment and notice this breath. You can control this breath, and make it faster or slower, or make it behave as you like. Or you can simply let yourself inhale and exhale naturally. There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine letting other parts of your body breathe, like your tense shoulders. Just let them be, without having to tense them or control them.
2. Now look around the room you’re in and notice the objects around you. Pick one, and let it breathe. There are likely people in the room with you too, or in the same house or building, or in nearby houses or buildings. Visualize them in your mind, and let them breathe.

That’s it. Repeat this two-step exercise as often as you need to. When you let everything and everyone breathe, you just let them be, exactly as they are. You don’t need to control them, worry about them, or change them. You just let them breathe, in peace, and you accept them as they are. This is what letting go is all about. Again, it can be a life-changing practice! (And if you’re looking for even more guidance and practice, this short essay is a great primer on the process of letting go.)

Now it’s your turn.

I hope this short essay brought more awareness to the fact that letting go isn’t impossible for you, and that it isn’t about hiding from life either. It’s about opening up to life and accepting the things you can’t control, so you can learn and grow. Surely it takes some practice, but when you develop the skill of letting go, and practice it daily, you automatically prepare yourself for almost any challenge life might send your way. Thus, it’s time to practice…

But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Which one of the points above resonated the most today?

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.