Are Here are some signs that your non-negotiable terms are at risk.

You work harder than your partner to fix the problems.

• You keep asking “is it me or them?”
• You hope things will magically get better at some point in the future.
• You suppress your personality to avoid conflicts.
• You are unhappy but your partner is just fine.
• Problems are never resolved, and nothing is ever gained.

Deal Breakers in Relationships

These type of situations are often called “deal-breaker” scenarios. They are highly problematic because they waste time and life is short. Too often, people spend years with the wrong person, or avoid the necessary steps to improve their relationship with the right person.

On top of that, deal breakers compromise your quality of life. When you’re not clear within yourself, you end up going along with something that doesn’t feel quite right. You may doubt yourself and wonder “Am I making too big a deal of this?” Or, worse, you make excuses and live in the future (“It will go away after he trusts me,” or “Once she goes to therapy it will get better”).

Remember, problems that are not resolved today are likely to never be resolved. (This is not to say problems cannot be solved, but if your partner is unwilling to work on something important today, this points to a low likelihood of a different future.)

Don’t bank on potential. See what is real in front of you now.

The only way to fix a deal-breaker situation is to find out what your personal non-negotiable relationship terms are, and take the steps to get it right or get out.

Dr. Bethany Marshall, author of the book Deal Breakers, has some great suggestions for women in compromising relationships. She specifically targets women in relationships with men, but her observations can be applied to both genders and same-sex relationships.

But first let’s define “deal-breaker” a little further. The very term implies that you are in some kind deal. As unromantic as this sounds, relationships are deals. And if the terms aren’t met, either party is free to walk away.

That is why it’s crucial that you understand what you can expect in the relationship. When you can’t effectively define the terms of your relationship, you will forever be frustrated, compromised, and disempowered.

In a nutshell, Dr. Marshall says a deal breaker is the one character flaw, emotional stance, or pattern of behavior that significantly damages the quality of a relationship.

Of course, most relationships are not perfect arrangements. All relationships generate some annoyances, transgressions, and disappointments.

But when you are facing a deal-breaker, you are looking at a non-negotiable term that, if not agreed to, kills the deal.  For example, lack of reciprocal emotional investment is a common one.

Deal breakers are not minor annoying habits or just one bad thing that has happened that is unrelated to other problems. Rather, they must:

• Destroy something that is precious to you.
• Undermine the very conditions that make it possible to love.
• Point to everything else that is wrong with the relationship. It is the “tip of the misery iceberg.”
• Show themselves early on. As symptoms of something deeper, they rarely come out of the blue.
• Hold potential to become a tool for positive change.

6 Ways to Assert Your Deal Breakers in Relationships

If you think that deal-breakers are at play in your relationship, here are some steps you can take to get some clarity:

1.       Know yourself. Ask the following questions: “Do the emotions I have in this relationship feel familiar?” “What is it that makes it hard for me to think clearly?” Be honest with yourself about what you really want, and not just want you think you should want.

2.      Be aware of personality problems. Dr. Marshall identifies several personality traits in men, but in my experience these patterns can be found in anyone.

Do any of these sound familiar?

• The Scriptwriter: This person decides who you are without consulting you. You feel misunderstood, like a character in their play.  For example, your partner is so afraid of “being taken to the cleaners,” that you pay for everything to avoid being typecast.
• The Person in Charge: This type of person is intolerant towards people and situations they can’t control. They may be very reliable and seemingly caring, but you feel smothered. They must be the originator of all experiences or else they are a buzzkill.
• The Person without Fault: This person cannot self-reflect and rarely takes responsibility for their actions and feelings. They overvalue their achievements and deny their impact on others around them.
• The Invisible Person: This person is emotionally constricted and frequently shuts down in the context of intimate relationships.
• Child Posing as an Adult: This type of person avoids responsibility for themselves. They can be exciting and pleasure seeking. But they have difficulty being alone and their actions contradict their words.

3.      Confront the confusion. Ask yourself two key questions:
1) “What is non-negotiable for me?” This is what you must have in a relationship. Don’t judge yourself for wanting it. Want what you want!
2)  “If things don’t change, can I live with it?” If something feels unacceptable to you in the future, it is probably unacceptable now.

4.      Stop the self-blame.  Own your own neuroses, but don’t take all responsibility for the joint dynamic.

5.      Assert yourself.

• Reveal your feelings and needs. Describe your deal-breaker and give your partner specific examples of what is not working for you.
• Give your partner a chance to respond.
• Let them come up with their own solutions. You can ask: “What can/will you do to make the situation better?”  But do not do all the work.

6.      Have the willingness to walk away. If your partner is not able to take on board what you have shared,  ask yourself: “How long am I willing to wait?” Set a time limit, and make a plan.

This is not easy. It can be excruciating.

But as Dr. Marshall says: “Loss can be negotiated, and reputations can be repaired. But a life can never be relived. So make sure you are living it with the right person.”

Be brave!

If you have examined your deal breakers in relationships and decide to end the relationship, see by blog on smart steps to take when ending a relationship.

Until then, I love hearing from you! Share with me your thoughts below . . .

Planning a wedding is exciting, but preparing for a marriage requires something deeper. It means having those important conversations that many couples avoid because they seem too heavy or uncomfortable. In the best case scenario these topics have come up naturally in conversation, and you have already talked about them. But if you haven’t, that’s ok. It’s not too late to have these crucial conversations that will lay a strong foundation for your long term relationship.

Why These Conversations Are Important 

Marriage isn’t just about finding someone you love – it’s about choosing someone whose vision of life aligns with yours in the ways that matter most. When couples skip these deeper discussions, they often discover fundamental differences farther down the road when changing course feels much more complicated.

These conversations aren’t about finding a partner who agrees with you on everything – that’s neither realistic nor necessary. Instead, they’re about understanding where you differ and deciding together how you’ll navigate those differences as a team.

When you discuss challenging topics now, you’re not just gathering information – you’re learning how your partner thinks, how they handle disagreement, and how willing they are to work through differences with you. Every honest conversation you have now is practice for the thousands of decisions you’ll make together as a married couple.

5 Core Premarital Conversations to Have 

1. Money

Finances can be a touchy subject, but the reality is they impact your relationship no matter what. Many couples keep their finances separate until they are married thereby avoiding discussing money issues. While it may feel uncomfortable, it is important to address money issues before getting married. Start with the basics: How do you each approach spending and saving? What financial goals matter most to you? Do you prefer to track every expense or take a more relaxed approach?

Money is a culturally taboo subject to discuss, but it symbolizes so many different things to people that it is incredibly important to talk about. It can represent freedom, pressure, independence, responsibility, obligation, and many more values and beliefs. When you can understand the deeper meaning of money for yourself and for your partner, it will make it easier to address financial issues as they come up.

Share your current financial picture honestly. Commit to ongoing financial transparency throughout your marriage. Discuss how you’ll handle major financial decisions and what level of individual financial independence you each need to feel secure.

2. Life Plans

Kids

This conversation goes far beyond “Do you want kids?” Discuss how many children you each envision, your timeline for starting a family, and what you’ll do if pregnancy doesn’t happen naturally. Talk about your parenting styles, discipline approaches, and how you’ll balance work and childcare responsibilities.

Consider the practical aspects too: Will one partner stay home, or will you both continue working? How do you feel about childcare or nannies? What role will grandparents play in your children’s lives?

If you have different views on having children, this isn’t necessarily a dealbreaker, but it requires serious discussion. Some couples find middle ground, while others realize this difference is too significant to overcome.

Careers

Your careers will significantly impact your marriage, so discuss your professional ambitions openly. Does one of you have dreams that might require relocating, extensive travel, or additional education? How do you each balance work demands with personal life?

Talk about your definitions of success and whether your goals complement each other. If you both have demanding careers, how will you prioritize your relationship when work gets stressful?

Religion and Spiritual Practices

You likely already know about your partner’s religious practices or lack thereof. Perhaps your current arrangement allows each of you to attend your individual house of workshop or celebrate different religious holidays. However, once you are married, it is difficult to independently continue in this way. There will need to be some commonality around your religious and spiritual practices as it will impact many things including  how you spend weekends and how you’ll raise children. 

If you come from different religious backgrounds, talk honestly about how you’ll handle these differences. Discuss your current beliefs, spiritual practices, and how important faith is in your daily life.

Will you attend different places of worship? How will you celebrate religious holidays? What traditions matter most to each of you?

Even if you’re both non-religious, discuss your views on spirituality, morality, and meaning in life. These conversations help you understand what gives your partner’s life purpose and direction.

Settling Down

Where do you want to live, and what kind of lifestyle do you envision? Some people dream of city apartments while others prefer suburban homes with yards. Maybe your families of origin live on opposite sides of the country. Discuss your preferences for location, housing, and community knowing that it will likely evolve in step with your relationship. 

3. Communication Styles and Conflict 

How do you each handle disagreement? Some people need time to process before discussing issues, while others prefer to talk things through immediately. Understanding your partner’s communication style prevents misunderstandings during conflict.

Discuss what felt healthy or unhealthy about conflict in your families of origin. Share what you need from your partner when you’re upset, and ask what they need from you. Do you prefer direct conversation, or do you need a gentle approach to difficult topics?

Even couples who communicate well will have conflicts, so discussing how you’ll repair your connection afterward is crucial. How do you each prefer to apologize and make amends after disagreements?

Learning to repair your connection after conflict is one of the most important skills for a lasting marriage, so understanding your different styles helps you become better at reconciliation.

Past experiences

Everyone brings their personal history into marriage, including past relationships, family experiences, and any trauma that might affect your partnership. You don’t need to share every detail, but significant experiences that might impact your marriage deserve discussion.

Talk about what you’ve learned from past relationships and how those experiences shaped your understanding of partnership. If you’ve experienced trauma, share what your partner should know to support you effectively.

This vulnerability deepens your connection and helps your partner understand your triggers, healing journey, and what you need to feel safe in your relationship.

4. Core Values, Beliefs, and Worldviews

What principles guide your major life decisions? Your core values don’t have to be identical, but they shouldn’t be fundamentally opposed. Discuss what matters most to you: honesty, family loyalty, personal growth, helping others, or achieving success.

Talk about your political views, social beliefs, and how you view the world. While you don’t need to agree on every issue, understanding your partner’s worldview helps you respect their perspective even when you disagree.

Consider how your values will influence major decisions like where to live, how to spend your time and money, and what kind of community you want to be part of.

5. Expectations, Commitment and Decision Making

How much time do you want to spend together versus with friends or pursuing individual interests? Some couples prefer to do most things together, while others need significant independence.

Discuss your social needs and how you’ll maintain friendships after marriage. Talk about your comfort level with your partner’s friends and how you’ll handle social situations where you might have different preferences. 

Balancing togetherness with individual identity is crucial for maintaining a healthy marriage, so discuss what this balance looks like for your relationship.

Even in the closest marriages, partners need some personal space and independence. Discuss what this means to each of you – perhaps it’s having your own hobbies, maintaining separate friendships, or simply having time alone to recharge. When you understand your partner’s needs it can prevent feelings of rejection in the future and helps you maintain your individual identities within the marriage.

Tips for Having These Conversations Effectively

Create a Safe Environment

Choose times when you’re both relaxed and free from distractions. These conversations work best when you’re not hungry, tired, or stressed about other things. Consider dedicating specific dates or weekend mornings to these discussions rather than trying to squeeze them into busy evenings.

Approach the conversation from a place curiosity versus a debate to be won. You are sharing a part of yourself not trying to convince your partner to change their views.

Use Open-Ended Questions

Instead of asking yes-or-no questions, use questions that invite deeper sharing. Rather than “Do you want kids?” try “How do you imagine family life?” or “What did you love about your childhood that you’d want to recreate?”

Listen to understand, not to formulate your response. Ask follow-up questions that help you understand your partner’s reasoning and feelings, not just their positions.

Seek Professional Guidance if Needed

If any of these conversations reveal significant differences or create conflict, consider meeting with a therapist to help you explore your differences and determine whether they’re manageable or relationship-ending.

Premarital counseling isn’t just for couples with problems – it’s a valuable investment in your future partnership that can strengthen your communication skills and deepen your understanding of each other.

Final Thoughts on Premarital Conversations 

The conversations should help you learn more about your partner and assess whether you are a good match long term. And don’t underestimate the power of the process. Talking through these complicated, deeply personal and sensitive subjects sets the stage for being able to trust your partner to talk about anything. Most relationships can sustain challenging, difficult times when there is a foundation of trust and friendship. Dr. Gottman’s research consistently found that deep friendship is a key predictor of long term relationship success. 

Every couple who invests in these important conversations before marriage is choosing to build their partnership on a foundation of honesty, understanding, and mutual respect. You’re not just planning a wedding – you’re preparing for a lifetime of decisions, challenges, and growth together.

Marriage is ultimately about choosing your teammate for life’s adventure. These conversations help ensure you’re choosing someone who shares your vision of what that adventure should look like and who’s committed to navigating it alongside you with love, respect, and understanding.

Lack of Affection/Intimacy

Every couple experiences times when they are more affectionate and intimate with each other than others. Things like kids, jobs, and other life pressures can often affect this. However, when there is a total lack of affection or intimacy, there is a problem, and it may be helpful to seek professional help.

Communication Issues

Sometimes, couples go through periods where they have trouble communicating. One person may have a firm opinion about something, and the other party may disagree. Maybe they disagree on a certain way to parent their kids, or one party may want to go away for the weekend with friends, and the other disapproves. They simply can’t agree.

Other times, a partner is simply silent about what’s bothering them and doesn’t talk about it until it festers and becomes a big blowup. Sometimes, the emotional damage is too much to repair.

Lack of Sympathy/Respect/Trust

People in relationships go through different things, both as a couple and as individuals. Depending on what it is, the other party may respond in a way that’s unexpected.

Rebuilding trust can be very difficult when infidelity or deceit has eroded it. When a couple doesn’t respect each other, that is a good sign that a marriage is on its way to the end. A lack of sympathy in situations also indicates that something serious is going on. Marriages thrive on trust and respect, and without them, they can’t thrive.

Growing Apart

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People grow and evolve as they get older. You and your partner won’t stay the same as when you first married. This can be a positive thing if people are maturing, especially if you get married young.

Still, growing and evolving can be a bad thing, especially if you find you and your partner growing apart. If you spend more time alone doing things by yourself or that new interests cause you to spend more time with friends than you do together, your marriage is in danger.

Not Being Able to Talk through Problems

Being able to talk through problems is a big deal. When all you do is fight rather than sit down and have a rational conversation about your problems, it’s a sign that your marriage may not be salvageable.

Not Being Able to Find Resolution Post-Conflict

On the opposite side of this equation, if you can talk through your problems but not find a resolution when the conflict is over, this is also a red flag.

In order to find resolutions to conflict, both parties need to listen and offer solutions. If you can’t both offer solutions and find a resolution, chances are your marriage is over. If you discuss resolutions and one partner says they will commit to doing better but doesn’t change, things will not improve.

Avoidance

If you do anything you can to avoid your partner, this is a sign that it may be too late to save your marriage. When you go out with friends as much as you can, spend time away from your partner in the same house, or do anything else to avoid talking to or being around them, there’s a problem.

This also goes for avoiding problems that need to be addressed. Either party wants to work on fixing things, and the other doesn’t, or both parties simply avoid the issues.

Feelings of Loneliness or Resentment

Sometimes problems can fester so long you resent your partner. Things they aren’t doing, that your needs aren’t being met, or that when you talk about things, nothing changes.

This can lead you to feeling lonely and like no one understands. These feelings can lead to addictions, physical affairs, and emotional affairs. These feelings clearly indicate that your marriage may not be saved.

Feeling like You Can’t Be Yourself

One of the most important things in a relationship is the ability to be yourself. This means every facet of you, from the good to the bad to all the quirks in between. When you feel you can’t fully be yourself or be yourself safely, it’s a good sign that your marriage may not be saved.

No Emotional Connection

When you first got together, you shared everything from how your day went to your goals and dreams. If you find yourselves not asking each other about your daily lives, sharing your feelings, or talking about your aspirations for the future, there is some serious emotional detachment going on.

What if Both Parties Think It’s Worth Saving?

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These are signs it’s too late to save your marriage, but what if both of you still want to try? What are some next steps?

Start with professional help. Even if you want to move heaven and earth to save your marriage, you can’t do it alone. Enlisting professional help and attending sessions together and separately is a great way to rebuild your marriage.

Commit to communication. We can’t have any kind of successful relationship if we can’t communicate. This applies to friendships, relationships with bosses and coworkers, and especially marriages. You and your partner need to commit to having open, honest communication where you will be open and honest and hear each other out. This makes a way for healing and understanding.

Commit to mutual growth. Both parties must commit to growing together and learning from their mistakes.

Set clear goals. Sit down and discuss some goals for your future and your relationship. Then, narrow it down so that those goals are crystal clear to both of you and you both know where you’re headed. Next, write down some steps to help achieve those goals, and celebrate your progress when you hit them.

Be empathetic to each other. Attempt to see each other’s perspective and be empathetic to each other. This will get you on the right track for healing old wounds and bridging gaps.

Spend quality time together. Make it a point to engage in activities you used to love to do together. Browse a bookstore, go on a hike, attend a concert, see a movie, go for a walk, etc.

Check-in regularly.As you go through therapy and rebuild your marriage, have regular check-ins with each other to discuss your progress and what needs attention.

Bring the change you want. If you want your partner to be more open in communication, do that. If you want them to be more honest about their feelings, be so about yours. Want more date nights? Plan one. Instead of telling them about the change you want, be proactive and show them.

Hug. This sounds like the most simple thing in the world, but hugs can make a world of difference. When you hug your partner, you get bursts of serotonin and dopamine, happiness hormones that make you feel closer to your partner. But don’t just hug for three seconds; a full seven minutes will help you get the best results.

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Pray. You got married because you felt God brought you together. Pray and ask him to help you rebuild your relationship and re-solidify your marriage. Even when things look hopeless, God can do anything.

Do something different. When you were first together, everything was exciting and new. So take a trip together, hike somewhere you haven’t been before, or take a class together. It doesn’t have to be something big. Have a picnic in the living room and watch a movie. Sleep on the opposite side of the bed than you usually do. Go to dinner with friends. Anything that will shake up your routine.

Revisit your dreams. Sit down together and talk about the dreams you had when you were younger compared to now. Revamp those dreams if needed and make a dream board to visualize what you want and where you’re going. Then sit down and write out specific action steps to make those goals happen.p^p

When issues are neglected, and people grow apart, marriage can become a fragile thing. Even though the reasons above show that it’s too late to save a marriage, it doesn’t have to be this way. When both parties will work on it and seek God’s help, they can restore the marriage.

Has your marriage ever come back from the verge of separation? What signs do you think signify it’s too late to save the relationship? Join the discussion on Crosswalk Forums.

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Carrie Lowrance is a freelance writer and author. She has had her work featured on Crosswalk, iBelieve, Huffington Post, and the Penny Hoarder. She is also the author of three children’s books, three clean romance books, one romance novella, three books of poetry, and one non-fiction book. When she’s not writing, she enjoys cooking and baking, reading, and hanging out with her husband, and sweet cat, Cupcake. You can find out more about Carrie and her writing at www.carrielowrance.com.