relationship dynamics – Live Laugh Love Do http://livelaughlovedo.com A Super Fun Site Fri, 10 Oct 2025 11:40:11 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9 Yes, Sex Changes with Age http://livelaughlovedo.com/yes-sex-changes-with-age/ http://livelaughlovedo.com/yes-sex-changes-with-age/#respond Fri, 10 Oct 2025 11:40:11 +0000 http://livelaughlovedo.com/2025/10/10/yes-sex-changes-with-age/ [ad_1]

Sexuality Changes across Lifetime Stages

Most of us assume that dramatic sexual shifts are reserved for menopause or “old age.” But in reality, changes can happen at any stage of life. Sex is not static. Just like our body, our desire, and our relationship, sexuality ebbs and flows.

To oversimplify, during the teens and 20s people begin to learn who they are sexually. In their 30s couples are building their careers and quite possibly having children – pregnancy, childbirth and parenting all impact sexuality. During the 40s many couples find themselves in what I call Marriage Incorporated – they are subsumed with the pressures of running their lives and families and their romantic and sexual lives are often neglected. Then, in their 50s, both men and women of all shapes, sizes and identities, LGBT+, whoever we are and whoever we love, often find themselves in a very different sexual landscape. And after the 50s, it’s all over, right?

Sex Does Not Have to Stop

I recall with fondness a client I saw only once. He was an 82 year old man who sought me out because he wanted to talk to a sex therapist. He arrived in my office after driving three hours from his small island home, looking dapper right down to the flower in his lapel. This is what he said:

“I’ve been widowed for four years now. My dear Angela was my first and only partner. I loved her so much. But now I have been courting a lovely woman from my church and we are getting along famously. However I’m worried that when we try to make love for the first time, I won’t be able to perform. Can you help?”

We had a frank and beautiful talk about everything from emotions to erections. I suggested he consult his physician about the possibility of an erection enhancer medication – not because I believed he was unable to become erect and ejaculate (he assured me “the equipment still works!”)  but to help relax his fear of the unknown and the vulnerability of being with a new partner. I shared my opinion that if he took a pill it would likely give him the confidence that everything would work so to speak, and he could enjoy being in the moment of intimacy with his new sweetheart. He thanked me for my time and went on his way, stepping into the next phase of his sexual life. 

What Factors Impact Aging Sexuality? 

Human sexuality is a complex event. Sure, maybe the birds and bees find it simple (though I have my doubts) but we two legged folks experience multiple factors that impact us sexually. They range from cultural views to sexual trauma to shyness to lack of knowledge. And then there are the big three.

Physical Factors

From fatigue to aching joints to hair sprouting in weird places, let’s be blunt – bodies age. Stamina dips, muscle tone softens, and sometimes we don’t feel so great about the reflection in the mirror. Things don’t work like they used to, both in and out of the bedroom.

For women, hormonal changes can bring vaginal dryness, thinning tissue that makes sex painful, and, as happened to me, a sharp drop in bot desire and orgasm strength. Surprise –  women aren’t the only ones affected by changing hormones. For men, softer erections, performance anxiety, and shifting testosterone levels can leave them with reduced confidence and little interest in sex.  Many men in heterosexual couples tell me they’re the ones who don’t want sex anymore—and they feel guilt and shame about it because they believe men are supposed to want sex all the time. These outdated myths about sex cause so much misunderstanding and distress.

Relationship Factors

Even the healthiest libido struggles in a disconnected marriage. Whether you are so busy with career and kids you treat each other like a convenient uber driver/babysitter/maid or you feel lonely and unwanted, emotional distance and feeling like roommates create a pattern that is hard to break out of. There’s not much currency in the emotional bank account. That’s why I teach couples to connect, communicate, forgive and begin again well before we tackle their sexual disconnect.

 If you struggle with nasty arguments, the vulnerability of sexual connection may feel too emotionally risky. The Four Horsemen —criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling – don’t just predict relationship misery and divorce. When they show up in your daily life, sex is often the first casualty. Think about it: do you want to make love to someone you’ve been fighting with? Of course not. Emotional intimacy is the soil from which sexual intimacy grows. Without kindness, curiosity, and respect, it is difficult for desire to flourish. 

Psychological Factors

Of course sex is not just physical. It’s tied to how you feel about yourself, your relationship, and  your beliefs about the role sex plays in your life. Society often sells the myth that sex is “for the young.” Remember how, as a teenager, you might have cringed seeing a 70-year-old couple kiss? Sadly, we might internalize those messages and begin to believe our own sexuality has an expiration date. Add grief over how effortless sex used to be and intimacy can feel like a burden instead of a joy.

Then there is the issue of low or no desire, which has physical and psychological components.  Spontaneous sexual desire may be a thing of the past – so much so that you don’t ever feel like making love( or even masturbating. You might think low desire means you are with the wrong person, or that you shouldn’t initiate sex until you are in the mood. You haven’t learned how to create the second type of desire – responsive desire. Here’s the reassuring news: you are normal. Clinical reports indicate that approximately 30% of couples are in a low-sex or sexless relationship at some point – most likely once they’ve been together for a decade or two. You’re not broken—you’re human.

Why Sex Matters

Sex may be a small part of a long-term relationship, but it’s a vital one. Sensuality—the ability to play, flirt, touch, and delight in each other—is the special sauce that keeps love vibrant. And here’s the good news – with awareness, effort, and the right tools, sexual intimacy can evolve into something even deeper, richer, and more soulful than it was in your 20s.

While the waning of desire is normal, how you choose to handle it is up to you. It IS possible to reignite responsive desire. Tony and Patty, a couple of retirement age from my online program, slept in separate bedrooms for 5 years. After they learned how to improve their relationship, communication, and much more they were ready to explore their non-existent sexual life. Now they make love regularly. Tony says “it makes me feel like a man, a husband, to make love to my wife again” and Patty shares “we are so much more connected and happy – while it’s not the major part of a relationship, it makes such a difference to be sexual with each other again”

Next Steps for You and Your Partner

If your sexuality is shifting, talk about it. Share this article with your sweetheart. Watch the video that inspired it. Be brave enough to name the elephant in the bedroom. Once you learn that low or no desire is very common but  that doesn’t  mean you need to give up on having a satisfying sexual life, it can empower you to create a new form of sexuality together. Seek knowledge, seek help, and just like my 82 year old client, seek to celebrate the joys of sharing pleasure with the person you love. Creaky joints and all.

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]]> http://livelaughlovedo.com/yes-sex-changes-with-age/feed/ 0 When Someone You Love Shuts the Door http://livelaughlovedo.com/when-someone-you-love-shuts-the-door/ http://livelaughlovedo.com/when-someone-you-love-shuts-the-door/#respond Fri, 19 Sep 2025 02:46:46 +0000 http://livelaughlovedo.com/2025/09/19/when-someone-you-love-shuts-the-door/ [ad_1]

“It is one thing to lose people you love. It is another to lose yourself. That is a greater loss.” ~Donna Goddard

We didn’t mean to fall into anything romantic. It started as friendship, collaboration, long voice notes about work, life, trauma, and healing. We helped each other solve problems. We gave each other pep talks before difficult meetings. He liked to say I had good instincts; I told him he had grit.

We shared vulnerabilities like flashlights in the dark—he told me about getting into fights, going to jail, losing jobs because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. I shared about growing up in a home with yelling, hitting, and silence, and how I used to chase validation in relationships just to feel seen. Somewhere in there, something sparked.

By early May, the friendship shifted. There was a night we were sitting together, talking about emotional sobriety, when I felt it: the weight of his gaze, the stillness between us. We kissed. And then we didn’t stop. I didn’t expect it, but I also didn’t resist it. It felt natural, like picking up a conversation we didn’t realize we’d already started.

But like many things built on intensity, it became complicated fast.

He opened up about wanting to explore something sexually that I couldn’t. It may have felt like shame to him, but that wasn’t my intention—I was simply clear: I wouldn’t feel safe there. He was hurt. Said I’d stepped on his vulnerability. And I didn’t respond perfectly. I froze. That’s what I do when I feel pressure or threat. I don’t yell or lash out—I go quiet, retreat inward, try to understand what’s happening before I respond.

Still, I thought we’d moved past it. I gave him space while traveling, and when we reconnected, he told me he was in love with me. That he accepted my situation. That it was worth it. That he’d be patient.

So I met him in the middle. I softened. I opened a little more.

He was a recovering alcoholic—sober for nearly nineteen years. He had wrecked two long-term relationships in the past, he told me. He’d been arrested multiple times, fired for outbursts, and said he was trying to do better now. I believed him. I saw the way he loved his dog training clients, how he was trying to build something on his own terms.

I shared my own journey—how I’d sought approval in the arms of others when I felt dismissed or invisible in my marriage. How I went to SLAA and learned to sit with my feelings instead of running from them. How I founded a company, Geri-Gadgets, inspired by caring for my mom during her dementia journey. He understood the grief of losing a parent slowly. His mom had dementia too. We bonded over what that does to you—how it softens certain edges while sharpening others.

We had history, shared values, hard-earned wisdom. That’s why I was so unprepared for how it ended.

It started with a question. I asked him what I should wear to dinner with his sister and brother-in-law after a meeting we were attending together. He responded by sending me a photo of a woman in a short leather outfit, over-the-knee stiletto boots, and a dominatrix pose.

I stared at the image, confused. Was it a joke? A test? A dig? Given my past—the abuse, the trauma, the very clear boundaries I’d communicated—I didn’t find it funny. I felt dismissed. Mocked, even. I made a comment about the woman’s body, not because I cared, but because I was triggered. Because I didn’t know how to say, This hurts me.

That set off a chain reaction.

We were supposed to be working on something together—a potential hire for his business—but the conversation turned tense. I felt myself shutting down. I needed time to process. I called to talk, to break through the tension with an actual voice, but he wouldn’t answer. He refused to talk to me—until he’d already decided to be done.

By the time we finally spoke, it was over. He’d already shut the door. The ending didn’t come in one moment—it came in his silence, his refusal to engage when I needed him to. It came when vulnerability met a wall.

This kind of ending triggers old wounds. The kind that taught me to freeze when someone withdraws love. The kind that makes me overfunction to earn back safety.

I was the child who was hit and then ignored. My father would scream and slam a strap against my legs, then bury his head in the newspaper and pretend I didn’t exist. Those are the things that shape a nervous system. Those are the stories we carry into adulthood, whether we want to or not.

In past relationships, I chased. I made excuses. I convinced myself it was my fault. I’d think: If only I were more accommodating… less sensitive… sexier, smarter, cooler… maybe they’d stay. But not this time.

This time, I sat with the ache. I let it wash over me. I didn’t rush to fix it or fill it. I didn’t reach out. I didn’t beg for clarity or closure. I cried. I journaled. I went to meetings. I talked to trusted friends. I worked. I kept my boundaries intact.

Because here’s what I’ve learned: I am worth calm. I am worth communication that doesn’t punish. I am worth someone who doesn’t confuse intensity with depth.

He said I pivoted. But what he saw as inconsistency was actually growth. I was honoring a boundary. I wasn’t trying to wound him—I was trying to protect myself. And yes, sometimes that looks messy. Sometimes healing doesn’t come in a neat package with perfect communication and the right amount of eye contact. Sometimes it means making the best decision you can in real time with the nervous system you have.

I had let him in. I trusted him with my story, my body, my boundaries. I showed up with care and effort and consistency. But I can’t control how someone receives me. I can only control how I respond when they shut the door.

And this time, I didn’t run after it. I let it close. Gently, painfully, finally.

Losing him hurt. But losing myself again would’ve hurt more.

If you opened yourself up to someone and they rejected you, remember it’s not a reflection of your worth. And sometimes when someone walks away, it’s for the best if them staying would have meant you abandoning yourself.

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]]> http://livelaughlovedo.com/when-someone-you-love-shuts-the-door/feed/ 0 My Partner Came Out As Trans… Now What? http://livelaughlovedo.com/my-partner-came-out-as-trans-now-what/ http://livelaughlovedo.com/my-partner-came-out-as-trans-now-what/#respond Fri, 12 Sep 2025 09:52:46 +0000 http://livelaughlovedo.com/2025/09/12/my-partner-came-out-as-trans-now-what/ [ad_1]

Has your partner come out as trans or are they in the midst of transitioning? This blog is for you.

Coming out as trans can be painful, exciting, and quite a courageous process, rooted in deep self-discovery. Remember that they have not changed who they are, they are revealing themselves more fully to you and the world. They are also experiencing a world of emotions, possibly fear of rejection, loss of love, or misunderstanding. 

What does it mean for you?

For you it may bring up a variety of different, complex and opposing emotions. You may experience surprise, grief, a deeper understanding, clarity, relief, fear, heartbreak, uncertainty for what the future holds. All of these emotions are completely valid. It is important to be able to grieve the changes even in the midst of supporting your partner. Both truths exist together. This is a space for both/and. You may experience deep sadness around the changes happening AND happiness to see your partner step into being more fully present. You may feel overwhelmed around the uncertainty for what the future holds AND excitement for a different kind of relationship. It may feel hard and complex and these emotions can exist side by side at the same time. 

So Many Questions

This can be a time of questioning for you since it also reflects on your identity, assumptions and desires. The external appearance of the relationship changes. A seemingly heterosexual couple may now look like a same-gendered relationship and vice versa. This can raise both internal and external questions.

Some questions you may ask yourself are:

  • “What does this mean about my sexuality?”
  • “What if I am not attracted to my partner anymore after their gender presentation changes?”

These are all valid questions to explore in a safe place. It is a time to explore your own sexual identity as it may evolve and possibly become more fluid. Labels may continue to hold significance and on the other hand may expand and not be as important. You can choose to change your label or not. With this exploration it is important to remember that it doesn’t invalidate past or present experiences, it may just expand its context. It is important to continue conversations about these topics as both partners navigate to clarify any unspoken assumptions. 

How do you talk about it?

One amazing tool during this transition is the Gottman- Rappaport Intervention where you are both able to slow the conversation down and both feel heard and validated in your own experience. One person shares without judgement or blame and the other listens for content and the underlying emotion. This creates a deep level of emotional connection. It can be quite healing if you can both respond with care, love and curiosity. This is not a time to problem solve, debate, convince or argue, instead it is to deeply understand each other creating a safe, affirming place for both partners.

Relearning Intimacy and Sexual Connection 

Sexual orientation labels may shift, intimacy patterns may evolve. Sex may feel unfamiliar even in long term loving relationships. You may question what always seemed to be fact in terms of desire. Both may now be asking, “What turns me on now?” “What does my partner need or want?” “Can we have a fulfilling sex life?” “What does sex even look like anymore with this person?” Your partner’s body may change, and sensations, preferences and dynamics may change alongside. This is also a time to continue to be with all the feelings that arise, and in particular grief. Grief around what was and what may be lost or different. It is also a time to co-create something new. When you first got together it was hopefully a time of newness, firsts, and exploration.

Consider this a time of rediscovery. You might ask:

  • What feels good to me/you now?
  • How do I want to be touched by you?
  • How do you want to be touched?
  • How do I want to touch you?
  • What turns me/you on?
  • What desires do I/you have?
  • What hopes and fears and concerns do I/you have?
  • What does sex mean now to me/ to you?

If one or both of you feel uncomfortable talking about sex, go to your app store and download the Gottman Card Decks App (free). Open the deck called sex questions, these give structure and set questions that can open the conversation or give guidance. 

Love Maps and Shared Dreams 

This can be an amazing time to connect in a different and/or deeper way.  Love Maps are how well you know and feel known by your partner, sharing your internal world with each other. Share with each other what is going on and how you are feeling, what you are wanting, even the day to day of work/school/kids/ life. Take time to revisit your dreams together. Share with each other what you still hope for the future as well as what may have changed individually or as a couple. Love Maps are not a “set and forget” conversation. Ask open ended questions as you walk on this path with each other. 

If you haven’t already opened and downloaded the Gottman Card Deck App, do it now. This a a gem of a free resource. Open up  Love Maps, Ritual of Connection, or Open Ended Questions. 

Repairing When Things Get Hard

Expect moments of miscommunication and pain. This is bound to happen. Take time to repair with each other. Do not hold onto unspoken wants and needs, voice them in the positive. When you do not get the response you had wanted, let them know and try again, this time saying it differently. Reach out to have a physical connection, holding hands or a hug. Make a joke (sometimes it doesn’t land well or is too soon to be funny, if that happens apologize and let them know you care). 

What’s next for us?

This takes many conversations. Feelings change. Hopes and fears and concerns change with time. At times the topic may feel too vulnerable or raw to share with your partner. Please get support outside of the relationship from someone who is experienced and trained in gender-affirming care and relationships. Your partner is not something to fix or pathologize. Getting support allows for space to share and hear other perspectives from those who have navigated those waters before. The Gottman approach reminds us: trust is built in small moments. 

Stay or Go?

Some people choose to stay and work on it and some decide for a variety of reasons that they are not able to continue in the relationship with the changes. This isn’t a failure, it shows that you are evolving onto a different path that doesn’t include this person as a romantic partner anymore. 

Grief is something that arises in this place. There is the loss of future dreams together. Your future may look different now. It is okay to grieve what your relationship was and what it can not be any longer. You had thought your life would look one way and it can feel like it has been completely turned upside down. 

Impact on Your Identity

You may have concerns and sadness about what it means for your own sexual identity. You may view yourself one way and now, the world may view you and possibly treat you in a whole different light. Instead of being viewed as straight or LBTQIA, you are viewed differently. And the community in which you found solace, may question your membership. This ties into how you present to the world, what labels they may place on you just from your appearance.

If you want guidance and notice needing more tools then you currently have, reach out to a therapist. Check out the Gottman Referral Network where you can find a therapist who is well versed in this research backed method. 

Intimacy During and After the Process 

Another aspect that can feel quite raw and challenging is the sexual connection and how that shifts. Gender identity and sexual expression are intertwined and as one person transitions and expresses their gender identity differently, you both may experience changes in desires, comfort levels, and they may have different boundaries around their body and how this now affects how you both show up sexually. This can be a place of excitement as you explore new territory together, on the other hand grief may arise. It can be quite painful emotionally as there are changes with arousal patterns and the alignment of sexual orientation. Questions may arise like: 

  • Am I still attracted to my partner?
  • Will I like who my partner is once they start hormones? 
  • Will I continue to be attracted to my partner once they have surgery?
  • Can we be physically intimate and both enjoy it?

 

This is where being able to have open conversations with a therapist or your partner are important, to be able to talk without blame and judgement and defensiveness as you explore this is vital.  Even with the support of a therapist or open conversations, the sexual incompatibility may be a breaking point. When you realize that separating is the healthiest path forward it may be absolutely heartbreaking.

If the Relationship Ends

For some couples deciding to end the romantic relationship does not necessarily mean the end of the connection. Some people are able to work through the complexity of the changes and be able to co-parent or have a friendship. Not everyone is able to do this. I do encourage you to get support from someone who deeply understands and gets the dynamics around someone who is transitioning as you work through your own process. 

Take time to reflect on what you want as well as what may not feel right anymore. This is a time to explore your own boundaries and values without any judgement or blame. You also have needs during this time and it is okay to be able to notice and express those needs. 

Remember that ending a relationship does not equal failure.  This path does not negate the love and connection that you shared together. With any change, there are often both gains and losses. This is the time to acknowledge the both/and, feeling both that you need to leave and also the grief and heartache. Know that it is not an easy road and please get help and support from others who have traveled this road before. This is a different experience than separating for other reasons and finding someone who really understands can make a world of difference.   

Keep choosing connection and appreciation, one step at a time in the mess and joy of life. 

This only touches on a few aspects and is a complex time for each partner. 

For more great content, please check out the Gottman Blog. There are also online resources available, memoirs and narratives, workbooks, education resources, and forums. You are not alone in this and can find support. 

 

Resources

Books/Workbooks

The Trans Partner Handbook: A Guide for When Your Partner Transitions by Jo Green

The Reflective Workbook for Partners of Transgender People by D. M. Maynard. This is a free resource (at the time of this writing)

Reaching for Hope: Strategies and Support for the Partners of Transgender People by Suzanne DeWitt Hall

Narratives/Memoirs

Queerly Connected by Nuranissa Jones  

Helen Boyd has written two books: My Husband Betty and She’s Not the Man I Married

Queerly Beloved by Anderson-Minshall

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]]> http://livelaughlovedo.com/my-partner-came-out-as-trans-now-what/feed/ 0 Mars In Libra 2025 Horoscope Is Here http://livelaughlovedo.com/mars-in-libra-2025-horoscope-is-here/ http://livelaughlovedo.com/mars-in-libra-2025-horoscope-is-here/#respond Mon, 04 Aug 2025 13:18:43 +0000 http://livelaughlovedo.com/2025/08/04/mars-in-libra-2025-horoscope-is-here/ [ad_1]

Mars in Libra is more of a lover than a fighter. However, it doesn’t mean we won’t have our irritable moments. But, mostly, instead of barking orders or yelling, we will be more passive throughout the next several weeks. This can create a lot of difficulties in relationships because we won’t be assertive and expressive. We’ll want people to just know how we feel, by using their intuition, which can be challenging. Committing to decisions will not be easy either, as Mars in Libra can be flaky. The best way to navigate the situation is to live in the moment. Sometimes, we may feel we must partake in activities we don’t like to avoid conflict. But you should know that you do not have to. Rather than succumbing to peer pressure, suggest things that interest you to the group. If they choose not to engage, it is okay to do them solo. Your happiness is more important than anything else. 

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]]> http://livelaughlovedo.com/mars-in-libra-2025-horoscope-is-here/feed/ 0 ‘Do Lesbians Really Expect Hours and Hours of Sex’ http://livelaughlovedo.com/do-lesbians-really-expect-hours-and-hours-of-sex/ http://livelaughlovedo.com/do-lesbians-really-expect-hours-and-hours-of-sex/#respond Wed, 09 Jul 2025 01:17:23 +0000 http://livelaughlovedo.com/2025/07/09/do-lesbians-really-expect-hours-and-hours-of-sex/ [ad_1]

Q:

Asexual lesbian with a nearly nonexistant sex drive here. All I hear is that the expected norm in lesbian relationships is hours and hours of sex at a time. PLEASE tell me this is true for only 9/10 non-ace lesbians (or less). I’m willing to compromise for a partner but sorry not sorry that I cannot imagine doing so for hours at a time as an adult with very limited free time who could probably only enjoy sex for a few minutes at the most before being bored to death (and inherently has no desire to have sex, it’d be a favor for a loved one). Considering the asexual spectrum dating pool is actually a kiddie pool, unless I can make it work with a non-ace I doubt I can ever find a partner… And yes I’ve heard and done it all when it comes to meeting ace spectrum women, there just aren’t enough out there.

A:

Hi, non-ace lesbian here, and I do not necessarily expect hours and hours of sex every time I have it. First of all, I’m busy! Second of all, there’s a time and place for a sex marathon, but it doesn’t have to be all the time and it doesn’t have to be the norm.

I think as with a lot of lesbian stereotypes and cliches, there’s some truth to it and also some myth to it. I think the commonly held mantra that lesbian sex is long and multi-orgasmic was born as a reaction to the reality that heterosexual sex often has a fixed start and end point that hinges entirely on the man’s pleasure, often satisfied swiftly. Since queer sex often decentralizes orgasm, the amount of “time” sex takes is more fluid.

And yes, some people love to go at it for very long amounts of time, but I do not think this is the norm across the board, just like how I’m pretty sure it isn’t actually the norm for the majority of lesbians to U-Haul with their partners. There’s a whole range of realities when it comes to lesbian dating and relationships, regardless of what the jokes and stereotypes reinforce.

So I wouldn’t get too worried about this, especially if you’re able to make your own expectations about sex and your asexuality clear upfront with a potential partner. Toys can make sex super…efficient. There are plenty of allosexual lesbians out there who enjoy or even prefer quickies. There are also plenty of allosexual lesbians with low sex drives, which I think we should also normalize! Talk to potential partners to see where they fall.

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!



Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1054 articles for us.



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]]> http://livelaughlovedo.com/do-lesbians-really-expect-hours-and-hours-of-sex/feed/ 0 How Do Arguments Affect Relationships Over Time? http://livelaughlovedo.com/how-do-arguments-affect-relationships-over-time/ http://livelaughlovedo.com/how-do-arguments-affect-relationships-over-time/#respond Fri, 20 Jun 2025 20:03:45 +0000 http://livelaughlovedo.com/2025/06/21/how-do-arguments-affect-relationships-over-time/ [ad_1]

While conflict is inevitable, frequent arguments will affect a relationship over time. Couples that do not effectively manage conflict will enter a cycle of fighting that is hard to break. When disagreements become more frequent and intense, they can damage the positive aspects of a couple’s connection that brought them together in the first place.

How the cycle of arguing begins

When they were dating, Karen, 42, and Owen, 44, were so ecstatic to have found each other that they focused more on their similarities than differences. They fell madly in love, got married rapidly, and never stopped to discuss their upbringing, or beliefs about issues such as finances and parenting.

When Karen and Owen’s son Ethan was born, their arguments intensified because they had more financial stress and different parenting styles. Karen is frugal, and her belief is that they need to save money to buy a home as soon as possible. 

Owen, on the other hand, is a spender who feels that they work hard for their money and they deserve to enjoy dinners out and weekend getaways. Their spender-saver dynamic led to frequent fights that contributed to endless rounds of arguing and blaming that left them both feeling resentful.

After a few couples therapy sessions, it became apparent that Karen and Owen also had drastically different parenting styles. Karen grew up in a home where her mother was often checked out, too busy, or too tired to spend time with her. As a result, she placed a high premium on spending quality time with Ethan cutting down her work hours which then added to their financial stress.

When Ethan turned two years of age, he was still sleeping in the same bed as his parents some nights and this triggered frequent arguments. Owen had strong views that children should not sleep with their parents and he often criticized Karen for being too indulgent with Ethan.

Emotional Baggage Can Lead to Frequent Arguments

Couples who have frequent arguments often have baggage from the past that’s weighing them down. After a while, emotional baggage can cause them to overreact to triggers. Karen was often triggered when Owen’s purchases exceeded their budget because she grew up in a family where finances were tight. Owen was frequently triggered when Karen accused him of being careless with money because his father was conservative fiscally and criticized him for not following in his footsteps. 

Over time, Karen and Owen lost sight of the loving feelings that brought them together in the first place and their anger and resentment eroded their once happy marriage.

Karen puts it like this, “We tend to get irrational and dig our heels in when we fight – and no one wins. When Owen says, “You always need to be right, I get defensive and start attacking him. Then we both get nasty, say mean things, and put each other down.”

What are your triggers?

It’s worth putting in the effort to explore your emotional triggers that can set the stage for a fight with your partner and cause frequent arguments. The more aware you are, the less you’ll be ruled by past relationships. Exploring your triggers is an ongoing process. The first step is actually to commit to the process by discussing the concept of triggers or “hot buttons” with your partner. For instance, you might reflect on how you notice a sudden shift in your emotions when you discuss finances or other sensitive topics. Describing “triggers” will help you raise self-awareness and empathy.

Going back to our example, when Karen became more aware of her triggers about Owen spending money on non-essentials, she realized that she didn’t have to worry excessively about money because they were fiscally responsible. As a result, she was able to speak more rationally with Owen about her fears of financial ruin. And they compromised by going out to dinner twice a month instead of weekly.

When couples are triggered emotionally, it can usually be traced to one or more of their deepest needs or desires that are not being met. Taking time to think about which of their needs are being threatened during a tough conversation or fight can diffuse anger. These needs include, acceptance, autonomy, attention, safety, love, being respected, being valued, and being in control.

Why Do Arguments Escalate?

“Escalation occurs when partners respond back and forth negatively to each other, continually upping the ante so that so that the conditions get worse and worse,” writes Howard J. Markham in Fighting for Your Marriage. He continues, “Negative comments often spiral into increasing anger and frustration. It’s not just the increasing emotional intensity that causes the problem: it’s the tendency to move from simple anger to hurtful comments to and about each other.”

Dr. John Gottman writes, “almost all couples exchange anger from time to time, It’s when you move from being angry and frustrated to showing contempt for the other that the greatest amount of damage is done.” Gottman explains that almost all couples argue, and conflict is inevitable in intimate relationships, but happy couples are less prone to escalation and contemptuous, nasty fights. 

In a toxic relationship, the communication between partners is characterized by what Gottman calls The Four Horseman. These are communication patterns that involve contempt, stonewalling, defensiveness, and criticism. While it’s normal to have some of these behaviors in relationships, contempt is by far the most destructive communication pattern that can lead to the demise of a relationship.

In his extensive “Love Lab” studies, spanning over forty years, Dr. Gottman found that contempt directed toward a partner is criticism from a position of superiority. It’s not only putting someone down but also putting down their entire character and way of being. Underlying contempt is a negative state of mind where the contemptuous person constantly scans the environment looking for their partner’s mistakes rather than noticing their partner’s positive actions or behaviors. 

Can Arguing Ever Be Healthy in a Relationship?

In After the fight, Daniel B. Wile, notes that arguing is normal in a relationship and it doesn’t mean that your relationship is doomed to fail. He writes, “Since there are always going to be fights, I recommend developing skill in recovering from them.” Wile believes that your focus needs to be on listening to your partner’s perspective, collaborating, building intimacy, and restoring safety and goodwill.

After many years of research, John Gottman discovered that discussing concerns that arise in a timely and respectful way will help couples get better at repair skills. A repair attempt is any statement or action – verbal, physical, or otherwise – intended to diffuse negativity and keep conflict from escalating. Gottman explains that repair attempts help a couple get back on track after a dispute and that “repair skills are often missed in an argument because they’re hidden in a whirlwind of negativity.”

The key to having productive arguments is to see conflict as an opportunity to learn about your partner. This includes finding ways to clear up misunderstandings and to repair hurt feelings (after regrettable incidents) by processing what happened without reigniting the argument. This way arguments will not negatively affect your relationship over time.

After several months of couples therapy, Karen and Owen still have occasional disagreements, but they’re better able to validate each other’s perspectives and they’re getting good at repair attempts. As a result, they’re avoiding the negative patterns of talking and fighting that were previously injurious to their marriage. 

Impact of Arguments on Relationships

Rather than rupturing the bond in a relationship, arguments can bring couples closer and deepen their commitment. It’s possible for partners to use their disagreements to build a stronger connection if they learn to recognize destructive patterns and find ways to make their point without escalating an argument or damaging their relationship.

 

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]]> http://livelaughlovedo.com/how-do-arguments-affect-relationships-over-time/feed/ 0 ARE YOU WORTH SUBMITTING TO? THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT RELATIONSHIP. – MJ Inspirations http://livelaughlovedo.com/are-you-worth-submitting-to-things-you-need-to-know-about-relationship-mj-inspirations/ http://livelaughlovedo.com/are-you-worth-submitting-to-things-you-need-to-know-about-relationship-mj-inspirations/#respond Tue, 27 May 2025 20:57:09 +0000 http://livelaughlovedo.com/2025/05/28/are-you-worth-submitting-to-things-you-need-to-know-about-relationship-mj-inspirations/ [ad_1]

“As a man you can’t expect a woman to submit to you, if you haven’t given her all of the reasons she should”. Emiola Favor

Hey guys. We hope you are safe? Please do not forget to wash your hand regularly as we gradually approach the end of this Corona virus pandemic (I speak by faith). So we welcome you all to another article that deals with reasons why your lady never submit to you, why your man never respect you and how we could work on various lapses urgently and birth a fruitful relationship. I hope you enjoy, learn and apply these principles. I guarantee you a massive turn around in your relationship.

Every relationship is a blessing and it is to be loved, cherished and admired. I know basic occurrence such as misunderstanding and the likes shows up, but with knowledgeable and wisdom it could be handed careful without hurting or harming each other. Having known that, let’s look at what submission is about.

Gone are those days of King and servant relationship. We are in a partnership era. So if you are still living in that regime, then your operating system is stale and you need to update it. To study more on this subject you should click on this link. It’s just quite unfortunate that most relationship term submissiveness as slavery, which is why most relationship tend to unhappiness, quarrel and increased divorce rate.

Submission in a relationship:

A lot of ladies hate to hear the word submit because we misquote it with the scripture that says slaves submit to your earthly master, so we associate the word submit to slavery. Ladies you need to know that only one person can lead. God called us ladies to be submissive and men to love.

But note you don’t submit to a man that tries to make you feel inferior, you don’t submit to a man that make you feel you are beneath him. You can and you should always submit to a man that is a leader, you should submit to a man that uplift you, elevate you, honour’s you. There are ways you submit to a man by providing him things that he needs in other to make sure you have what you need. A lot of guys dont require a lot from you, all they need is your support, love, care and respect. To know the reason why relationships never work and how to fix it, click on this link.

So we come to girls that are misled by feminism talk such as cooking for your guy is not a responsibility, it’s just a way of supporting him and all. It’s funny but that’s trending, ladies feel cooking for a man isn’t their sole responsibility and as such it should be shared. It isn’t bad to cook for your man and for your to assist you do some cooking. It’s only becomes bad when you feel it isn’t your responsibility cooking for your man.

Most men are neat while some may tolerate dirt, but however, it is your right as a lady to ensure that the house is neat and at all time. As ladies this is to your glory, so don’t expect your man to be excited seeing the house dirty after a long day at work. I know you may say “Hey, let’s be guided I work too”. Yeah i get. Most men would understand and figure out a way of getting a helper who could help you out, tho this is based on mutual agreement. Don’t expect him to come home after a long day only for him to see the house dirty, no food and you expect to respect you and be cool with all that. Everyman needs someone that can recharge him after he is been drained at work. So girls, submissiveness is not slavery, it is just a way of supporting your guy as long as he provides your needs too.

Okay. So let’s look at what men should know if they want ladies to submit and respect them.

As men, you are called to be a leader in your relationship. You are called the head, so lead well.

Also, it is important to know that there is a difference between occupying a leadership position and been a leader. Take for instance, a new CEO (Chief Executive Officers) won’t earn the respect from his or her subordinate because of his or her character or even attribute, owing to the fact that they merely know him, but the CEO will be respected based on his power or authority. So the respect or fear for the person won’t be as a result of what he deserve but the position and the fear that he or she can fire anyone at anytime. But if you are a leader, you don’t need any title or position of authority to be a leader. People follow you because they trust you and respect you genuinely. That is, with or without power..

People believe that been a man in a relationship is a leadership position in the sense that “you should do be says because he is the man”. This style is a very bad route and most divorce has it root in this.

As a man if your lady submit to you, see it as the greatest honour you can ever have in your life. She is simply trusting on your ability to lead, maturity, your decision, consistency, trustworthiness and all these will make her a faithful follower.

Before you get into a relationship, invest in yourself, grow yourself, don’t be an empty barrel and a vision less person. Have a foundation set on how you are going to live your life. You shouldn’t be in a relationship as the head without knowing where you are going or how you are going to lead or what you stand for. There are so many men who doesn’t want to be accountable, yet they want ladies to submit to them. As a man you have to be accountable to your followers and to everyone who looks up to you or your relationship.

Why do you feel people should do what you say when you haven’t earn their respect or trust? People respect some so called leaders not because they deserve it, but the fear of not been sacked.

Every lady actually wants a man who is vision driven, mature and not confused. They want to really trust, love, adore and submit to a man who will deserve it and not force or compel them too. If your babe doesn’t respect you or submit to you as you would want, don’t yell at her. You just need to work on yourself until she realizes that you deserve her trust, respect and submissiveness. If you force this on her, you will keep loosing respect, love and finally lose her.

I hope you all enjoyed this episode. Please put this to practice and your love life will be so blessed.

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