I don’t know about you, but I have to be careful during the holidays to avoid the pressure to uphold expectations of idyllic holiday experiences for my various family members.

I love baking and listening to Christmas music, and have always associated the holidays with a sense of warm connection to family and friends.

But there are so many things to do! Gifts to buy and wrap, school parties to plan, cookies to bake, cards to write (I don’t even do these anymore), not to mention the house to decorate and all the other holiday trappings.

As with any time of stress, our relationships can take a hit. We may disagree with our partners about which family to spend time with, or what gifts to get the kids. We may have different ideas about what makes a nice holiday.

Or we just simply forget to be loving towards our partners because we’re too busy rushing around.

To alleviate holiday relationship stress this year, take a moment to check in with yourself and set your intention to create a conscious holiday experience that takes into account your vision AND your limitations, as well as honors your relationship as the foundation for a peaceful experience.

Holiday Relationship Stress: How to Create a Peaceful, Connected Holiday Season

Here are the top 4 reasons the holidays can be so hard, and some trusted antidotes to these challenges.

Expectation that things should be a certain way. So often we have an image in our mind of how things should be, and beat ourselves up when it isn’t just so. This could range from expecting a perfect family gathering even when there is unresolved pain and drama, to worrying about the holiday card.

• Decide to let go of attachment to any particular outcome. Enjoy the “input,” or the process. Love the moments, appreciate what is real. Are you arguing about how to hang the lights? Laugh about it. Appreciate how much your partner cares about the lights. This will soften conflict instantly.
• Release any visions that you feel OBLIGATED to but don’t feel in alignment with. Remember it’s a choice. Maybe you want to lay off shopping and make cards instead.
• Be present with your partner. This is the greatest gift you can give during crazy times. Just be available with your attention and stillness to experience moments of just being together.

Conflicting ideas about what you should be doing. Do you have different opinions on how to spend the holidays? Do you disagree on what gifts to get kids or which family to see? Here are two steps you can take to find the common ground:

• Share what you want for the holidays – not what you don’t want. Be honest about your dislikes and fears, but try to put things in terms of your ideal. What do you envision for you and your family?
• Create a shared vision. After sharing your individual wishes, see where your visions overlap. What can you both agree on?  Create a plan from there.  Are there things you can let go of? Let them go without resentment as a conscious choice for peace.

Rushing around trying to get it all done.There are last minute errands, gift shopping, and events to attend on top of regular life. This is a time to turn toward each other for support.

• Nurture each other. Does your partner need a night out with friends? Do you want a foot massage? Think deeply about what helps you each thrive in times of stress.  Not sure? Ask.
• Stay connected to your family and friends. Yes I know lunch may be out of the question, but even just a phone call or email can help you feel supported. Feeling part of a wider community – especially as you navigate the minutiae of your life – is key to balance.
• Be gentle with yourself. Take moments to just breathe a few times and notice your body. Scan for tension and let it go.
• Positive self-talk only! Notice what you hear yourself saying, and give yourself a “zero negativity” policy. Strictly enforcing this during the holidays will help you feel supported and relaxed, not stressed.

Grieving the loss of a loved one. There is nothing like the holidays to bring out the pain of celebrating in our lost loved ones’ absence. Be gentle with yourself and allow the space for grief to move through you, so that you can also be present for the joyful (if bittersweet) moments.

• Reach out for support with friends. Sometimes we forget to talk about the things that are hard. But honoring your experience and giving it space to come out with support is a gift to yourself. You deserve it, and people want to help you.
• Take time to feel all feelings. Staying present to emotions in the body allows them to change and move through you.
• Join a bereavement support group. If this is an especially devastating time for you, it can be so helpful to join a support group. It is invaluable to find others who can relate to your experiences, and sometimes we need people outside our regular circle of friends and family.

Stresses aside, the holidays can be an opportunity to consciously create new traditions, foster genuine connection, and love your family.

As long as we take care of our closest relationships, we build a foundation for joy and gratitude to fill this time of year.

Some days, my goal is simply to put one foot in front of the other consistently enough to make it through to the end of the day. I’m in a life stage where it is easy to feel out of control, with two young kids and a full plate of activities (on top of work and other obligations and demands).

On those days, it’s almost like my wife and I are running a marathon, and we are just trying to cross the finish line.

But, God doesn’t want us to just survive. He intends for us to thrive, or flourish.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly” (John 10:10). Jesus is talking about having life, and having it to the fullest!

In the same way, God wants our marriages to not only last but to thrive. When I set out to write this article, I really had to meditate on what it means to thrive. I was really intrigued by one definition I read for the word… to grow vigorously.

Over the last few years, I’ve taken up gardening. Now, I’ve grown a few things in planter boxes and on patios through the years, but last year it got real–my first, sizeable, in-ground garden.

We moved to a new home with more land and space to undertake such an effort, so I said “why not?” While I was feeling adventurous last spring, I decided to attempt to grow some cantaloupe plants from the seeds from a store-bought cantaloupe. I had no idea if it would work or not.

Well, let me tell you, with a little work and a lot of patience, those cantaloupe seeds sprang forth huge plants that produced dozens of cantaloupes… and grew so vigorously they nearly took over the garden.

I know it can be cliché to draw a comparison between a garden and a marriage–but it’s nearly unavoidable since it is so apt. Like a garden, a marriage needs cultivation.

You have to pay attention to your garden plot–add in the good stuff like compost and remove the bad stuff like weeds and pests. If you do those things, the plants will thrive, or “grow vigorously.”

So, how do we get our marriage to do the same? I believe there are a few key factors that contribute to a thriving, growing marriage. If we maintain our focus on these, then we’ll see the fruitful results in our relationships.

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Bernardbodo

1. Commitment

The Bible has a lot to say about commitment in marriage. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:24). I’d say becoming “one flesh” and “giving yourself up for your wife” is pretty strong commitment.

At most wedding ceremonies, the two stand across from each other and vocalize their commitment to each other. It’s there at the start, but all too often, it fades over time. In the marriages that struggle or don’t end up making it, something happens or gets in the way of that original commitment the two had to each other.

The other day, one of my favorite Bible teachers and Twitter follows, Beth Moore, tweeted: “Just gonna tell y’all something. By the time you’ve been married over 40 years, you’ve been married to about four different people. So have they. It’s a miracle of God any of us ever make it.”

People change over time, that’s true. The man or woman you married is probably not the same person today.

If you are both maturing, and growing closer to the Lord, you should be growing closer to each other at the same time. I think about who I was 15 years ago when I got married. I was just a kid, it seems. My wife and I have both grown tremendously, and we are closer now that we ever have been.

The only way that’s possible is by staying committed–committed to the Lord and committed to your spouse.

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Artem Peretiatko

2. Encouragement

I love the visual of athletes running a major marathon, while friends and spectators line the sides to cheer them on. The runners round a corner and supporters hold out a small cup of water that they grab on the move.

These small pieces of encouragement give them the physical and mental strength to carry.

I recently binge-watched a show on Amazon Prime called the World Toughest Race. Teams from around the world competed in a grueling, multiday trek across hundreds of miles in Fiji–open water paddling, whitewater rafting, mountain biking, rappelling, hiking and climbing. Imagine an Iron Man marathon every day for a week and a half.

At various points in the race, a family member would be awaiting them at camp to provide food, encouragement, additional gear and more. To this ragged and weary racers, the short respite and support from a loved one was just what they needed to continue.

Author Gary Chapman writes in his book The 4 Seasons of Marriage, “One of the most effective ways to help your spouse is to offer encouraging words. The word encourage means “to inspire courage.”

All of us have areas in which we feel insecure and lack courage, and that lack of courage often hinders us from accomplishing the positive things that we would like to do. The latent potential within your spouse may await your encouraging words… Most of us have more potential than we will ever develop.

The thing that holds us back is often lack of courage. A loving spouse can supply that all-important catalyst.”

A successful marriage has to include two encouragers – people who inspire each other to be their best. We should strive to “encourage one another and build one another up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11).

If we encourage our spouse daily, instead of tearing them down, our marriage will be stronger.

Photo Credit: ©Sparrowstock

3. Patience

I’ve heard many preachers say that praying for patience is one of the most dangerous prayers you can ever pray. As soon as you start, God will give you opportunities to show it.

We could all use a little more patience. Many of us struggle in this area, and yet it’s a “fruit of the spirit” so you know it’s important to God. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law” (Galatians 5:22-23).

God is incredibly patience with us. “The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance” (2 Peter 3:9). If you think about it, it’s absurd that we can require so much patience, and not be eager to return the favor to others (or even to God!).

Admittedly, I struggle from time to time in this area. I expect patience from those around me, but find myself losing it all too often.

A marriage requires patience. In my life, I know my wife has to extend more patience toward me than she needs in return. I can be set in my ways. I can say things that I shouldn’t say. I can get frustrated quicker than I should. I can avoid difficult conversations. So, to sum up, I can be a handful sometimes.

Also, our lives together require patience. We have to learn to wait on God’s timing in our lives and in our marriages. We wait on God’s timing in our family and career. And, while we wait, God strengthens our bond to each other.

“But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing” (James 1:4, NKJV).

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Comstock Images

4. Jesus

It’s easy for day-to-day life to cause us to lose sight of the one aspect of our marriage that can hold it all together and help it grow – Jesus himself. Marriage shouldn’t just be between man and wife; it should include God, the one who designed marriage in the first place.

In Shaunti Feldhahn’s book, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, she shares that 53 percent of “Very Happy Couples” agree with the statement, “God is at the center of our marriage” (compared to 7 percent of Struggling Couples).

She writes, “Highly happy couples tend to put God at the center of their marriage and focus on Him, rather than on their marriage or spouse, for fulfillment and happiness.”

When marriages hit a snag, the most likely culprit is that one or both have shifted the focus away from God. It is easy to become consumed by our work, family drama, financial obligations and more. It is easy to focus on our problems and forget the Problem-Solver.

We can even be consumed by seemingly good things, but missing out on the best thing. Our wedding ceremonies are packed with Scripture and prayer, but too many marriages don’t have room for either.

We elevate so many other things in our lives, and allow them to take the place reserved for God and Him alone.

If we put God first in every aspect of our lives, He’ll take care of the rest. “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6:33). If husband and wife are committed to following God’s will and seeking Him on a daily basis, they’ll naturally grow closer to each other.

C.S. Lewis offered this perspective: “When I have learned to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now.”

If we are better Christians, we’ll be better husbands and wives, and we’ll have a better marriage.

Photo Credit: ©Emmanuel Phaeton/Unsplash

Brent Rinehart is a public relations practitioner and freelance writer. He blogs about the amazing things parenting teaches us about life, work, faith and more at www.apparentstuff.com. You can also follow him on Twitter at @brentrinehart 

Originally published Tuesday, 14 October 2025.

If you feel burned out on coming up with questions for a first date, you’re not alone! The ritual of first dates can often feel repetitive and lackluster. There are only so many ways to ask a version of so what are your interests? And if you’ve already been chatting too much on the apps or during the lead up to a date (which, for the record, I somewhat advise against unless that’s truly your preference for getting to know someone!), it can be even harder to know what to say on a first date.

But asking questions is important. If you show up to a date and only answer the other person’s question or otherwise only talk about yourself, trust you’re probably about to get roasted in a group chat. No one likes being on a date with someone who takes zero genuine interest in them! There is no perfect roadmap for how to crush a first date, but the number one thing you can do to at least ensure a baseline decent experience is ask your date(s) about themselves! People love to be asked about themselves! But also, if you find yourself on a date who doesn’t reciprocate the curiosity, find a way to wrap it up.

The questions below are designed to inject some life and creativity back into your first date question asking if you’re feeling stuck or stalled in the dating process. You can ask them word for word or use them to riff and come up with your own against-the-grain questions. They’ve been divided into a few categories: chill, pop culture, strange, spicy, and misc. So take what you need and leave what you don’t! I would consider most of these to be just slightly deeper than surface-level but not too deep. But you’d be surprised what you can learn about a person’s priorities, values, and viewpoints by asking a range of different seemingly random questions.

Some include follow-up questions and some have been added since the last time this was published in 2024, so you’re getting even more than 50 prompts for first date conversation! For some of these, you might be wondering what makes them specifically gay. Well, I wrote them and I’m gay. Hope that helps!

Get ready to crush this first date! You’re gonna do great!

This piece was originally published in March 2024 and has been updated for September 2025.

Chill Questions

These are casual, get-to-know-you questions that are at least slightly more interesting than the general/obvious ones like “what do you do?” Start with these if you want to ease into deeper conversation or if you like to generally take a more chill approach on first dates.

1. How did you meet your best friend?
2. What’s your favorite book?
3. What are your favorite things to do on your days off?
4. What did you do today before this date?
5. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
6. What kind of cake do you like to have for your birthday? Or if not cake, what do you like to have?
7. Do you collect anything?
8. What are your favorite qualities in other people?
9. What’s your favorite photo of yourself?
10. Do you keep a journal?
11. Where have you never been to that you’d like to go?

Pop Culture Questions

Books, movies, television, music, etc. tend to be pretty fun and easy topics for first dates! Here are some pop culture-themed questions you can ask to get to know your date’s interests and tastes!

1. Who is your celebrity crush? Who was your first queer celebrity crush?
2. What album could you listen to on repeat for an entire day?
3. What’s the first gay kiss you can remember seeing in a movie or on television?
4. What’s your go-to karaoke song?
5. What’s a gay movie you know is “bad” but you love anyway?
6. What queer book that hasn’t been made into a series/movie yet do you think should be made into a series/movie?
7. What queer actor should play you in a biopic about your life?
8. What’s an unpopular opinion you have about a piece of queer pop culture?
9. If your life were a television show, what would be the theme song?
10. How many films from the Autostraddle Encyclopedia of Lesbian Cinema have you seen? (This question provides a built-in activity! You can scroll through the list together! And also make plans to watch some movies together!)
11. Who would you want to play you in a movie about your life? Who would you want to direct the movie about your life?

Strange Questions

Want to be memorable? Want your date to think you’re creative and surprising? Ask some of these hyperspecific, open-ended, or just downright weird (in a fun way) questions! Treat your date conversation like a creative writing prompt!

1. Have you ever seen a ghost or experienced a haunting?
2. Do you have any stories about cryptids?
3. What are your thoughts on time travel? If there were zero consequences to the current timeline, would you rather time travel to the past or the future?
4. Do you have any weird stories about birds?
5. If you were a piece of furniture, what would you be?
6. If you had a pet sloth, what would you name it?
7. What do you imagine the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean looks like? (Here’s another activity question: Have them draw it! Doesn’t matter if they’re bad at drawing, that almost makes it more fun.)
8. Do you own any cursed artifacts?
9. Who’s your nemesis?
10. In a fantasy town designed by you, what types of businesses and spaces would be on the main street? (ex. bowling alley, seafood restaurant, independent bookstore, etc.)
11. Fast zombies or slow zombies?

Spicy Questions

Listen, some of us like to jump right to the sexy chase on a first date. If that’s you and your date also gives off a vibe of talking about sex openly, add a little spice to the convo with these questions.

1. What was the last sex dream you had?
2. What’s the weirdest sex dream you’ve had?
3. What’s your favorite non-Hitachi sex toy?
4. What do you think is your sexiest quality?
5. What’s something sexual you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t?
6. Where’s the weirdest place you’ve had sex?
7. What’s a recurring fantasy you have?
8. What songs turn you on?
9. What’s your favorite sex scene from a movie?
10. Have you ever crushed on someone you shouldn’t have?
11. Do you have any favorite rom-com tropes?

Miscellaneous Questions

These first date questions don’t necessarily fit into any of the categories above! They might not be openers like the chill questions, but they could work once you’re a few questions in.

1. Can you remember any of your dreams from last night and if so what were they about? (Or, what’s the last dream you can remember?)
2. What’s the worst first date you’ve ever been on?
3. What’s the best first date you’ve ever been on (other than this one)?
4. How did you decide what to wear to this date?
5. Do you read tarot?
6. What are your thoughts on astrology?
7. What’s your favorite thing about yourself?
8. What’s the worst gift you’ve ever received?
9. What’s the biggest misconception about you?
10. How do you organize your bookshelves?
11. What’s something you’ve lost that you’re still upset about?

Have a good go-to first date question that often leads to a second date? Let’s hear it in the comments.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The AV Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1082 articles for us.

You’re curled up on the couch you picked out together, but somehow it doesn’t feel quite like yours anymore. Your favorite reading corner has become the place where their gym bag lives, and you can’t remember the last time you spent a Saturday morning alone with your coffee and thoughts. Sound familiar?

If you’re reading this while planning your big move-in or you’ve recently taken that beautiful, terrifying leap into shared living, you might be discovering something no one really prepares you for: learning how to be fully yourself while building a life with someone else. 

Here’s the thing: maintaining your individuality isn’t about loving your partner less. It’s about loving yourself enough to stay whole while you grow together.

According to Gottmans’ research, the strongest relationships are those where partners nurture both the ‘we’ of their relationship and the individuality of each person. Rather than losing themselves in the relationship, they honor each other’s personal goals, interests, and values. This balance between independence and togetherness creates trust, respect, and lasting intimacy.

Understanding Why Your Individuality Matters More Than Ever

When you first move in together, there’s this intoxicating feeling of “we’re building something beautiful.” And you are. But somewhere between choosing paint colors and figuring out whose coffee maker to keep, many people find themselves slowly adjusting, accommodating, and shrinking to fit into this new shared reality.

The truth is, maintaining who you are isn’t just good for you, it’s essential for your relationship’s health. Think about what drew your partner to you in the first place. Was it your passion for photography? The way you light up talking about your book club? Your Tuesday yoga ritual that centers your entire week? Those aren’t obstacles to overcome in your shared life, they’re treasures to protect and nurture.

Here’s what happens when we lose touch with our individual selves: we become anxious, resentful, or that dreaded word: codependent. We start looking to our partner to fill needs that only we can meet for ourselves. The relationship becomes heavy with expectations it was never meant to carry.

But when you maintain your sense of self? You show up as the vibrant, interesting, growing person your partner fell in love with. You bring new energy, stories, and perspectives back to your shared space. You model what it looks like to be a whole person in love, rather than half a person looking for completion.

The Challenges You’re Actually Facing (And Why They’re Normal)

Let’s be honest about what you’re up against. Moving in together creates a perfect storm of identity challenges that no one talks about at your housewarming party.

The Boundary Blur: Suddenly, everything feels shared. Your mornings, your evenings, your refrigerator space, even your thoughts. Without conscious effort, personal boundaries can dissolve faster than sugar in coffee. You might find yourself asking permission for things you used to just do, or feeling guilty about wanting time alone.

The Suffocation Spiral: Even in the most loving relationships, constant togetherness can feel overwhelming. You might love your partner deeply and still sometimes feel like you can’t breathe in your own space. This isn’t a sign that anything’s wrong with your relationship—it’s a sign that you’re human.

The Communication Freeze: Many people struggle to voice their needs for space or individuality because it feels selfish or like it might hurt their partner’s feelings. So instead of speaking up, they withdraw quietly, building internal resentment that eventually erupts in arguments about dishes or whose turn it is to take out the trash.

What You Can Do Starting This Week

Creating Physical and Emotional Boundaries That Honor You Both

The first step isn’t dramatic, it’s creating small, sacred spaces that belong just to you. This doesn’t require a bigger apartment or a major renovation. It requires intention.

Tonight, try this: Identify one space in your home that can be primarily yours. Maybe it’s a corner of the bedroom with your reading chair, maybe it’s the kitchen table on Sunday mornings, or maybe it’s the bathroom during your evening skincare routine. Communicate this gently to your partner: “I’m going to make this corner my little retreat space so I can read and recharge.”

Notice the language there? It’s not “you can’t sit here” or “this is off-limits.” It’s “this helps me recharge so I can show up better for us.” Frame your needs in terms of what they give back to the relationship, because they do.

Protecting Your Solo Time Like the Precious Resource It Is

Your alone time isn’t selfish, it’s essential maintenance for your mental and emotional health. But here’s what many couples get wrong: they wait until they’re desperate for space and then it becomes an emergency conversation instead of a loving routine.

Starting this week: Schedule your alone time like you would any other important appointment. Maybe it’s an hour every evening, maybe it’s Saturday mornings, maybe it’s one weeknight where you each do your own thing. The key is making it routine rather than reactive.

Nurturing the Interests That Make You You

Remember that photography class you loved? The hiking group that energized you? The volunteer work that gave you purpose? These aren’t hobbies to abandon for couple time, they’re parts of yourself to cultivate and protect.

This month: Identify one interest or activity that you’ve let slide since moving in together. Make a plan to reintegrate it into your life. Your relationship will benefit from having a more fulfilled, interesting you in it.

How to Talk About What You Need

The conversation about personal space and individual needs doesn’t have to be a minefield. It’s all about framing and timing.

Instead of: “You’re being clingy” (which creates defensiveness)
Try: “I love spending time with you, and I also need some solo time to feel balanced. Can we figure out a rhythm that works for both of us?”

The goal isn’t to create distance—it’s to create sustainable closeness. When you frame your needs in terms of what they bring to the relationship, your partner is much more likely to support them.

Finding the Sweet Spot Between Together and Apart

The strongest couples don’t spend every moment together. They create intentional rhythms of connection and independence that honor both their togetherness and their individual growth.

Supporting Each Other’s Goals: True partnership means celebrating and supporting each other’s individual dreams, not just your shared ones. When your partner sees you pursuing your goals, it doesn’t threaten your relationship—it deepens their respect and attraction for you.

Creating Dual Rituals: Build both couple rituals (Sunday morning coffee together) and individual rituals (your Thursday evening bath with a book). Both are sacred. Both strengthen your relationship in different ways.

Privacy as a Gift, Not a Threat: You don’t have to share every thought, every friendship conversation, or every moment of your day to be close. Privacy allows you to maintain other important relationships and to have experiences that you can choose to share, or not.

The Truth About Different Living Situations

Whether you’re in a romantic partnership, sharing space with friends, or navigating a roommate situation, the principles remain the same: clear communication, respect for boundaries, and the understanding that everyone needs space to be themselves.

In romantic relationships, the challenge often comes from the belief that love means wanting to spend every moment together. But mature love recognizes that two whole people create a stronger bond than two people trying to complete each other.

What This Isn’t About

Let’s clear up some misconceptions that might be holding you back from advocating for your needs:

Maintaining individuality isn’t about building walls. It’s about maintaining healthy boundaries that allow both people to thrive. You’re not creating distance; you’re creating the space needed for sustainable closeness.

Wanting alone time isn’t selfish. It’s self-aware. You’re taking responsibility for your own emotional well-being instead of expecting your partner to meet all your needs. That’s actually a gift to your relationship.

Individual interests aren’t a threat to your partnership. They’re what keep you interesting! The goal isn’t to merge into one person; it’s to remain two fascinating people who choose to build a life together.

Your Path Forward

Moving in together is one of the most beautiful expressions of commitment two people can make. You’re saying, “I want to weave my daily life with yours.” But that doesn’t mean you stop being yourself. It means you bring your full, authentic self to this shared adventure.

Every relationship has seasons, including seasons where you need more space and seasons where you crave more closeness. What matters is that you feel free to communicate these needs without fear, and that your partner responds with curiosity rather than defensiveness.

The goal isn’t to live parallel lives under one roof, it’s to create an environment where both of you can flourish individually while building something beautiful together. You can love someone completely and still need time alone. You can be deeply committed and still pursue your own interests. You can share a space and still have a corner that belongs just to you.

When you’re ready, start with one small step this week. Maybe it’s reclaiming that morning routine that centers you. Maybe it’s scheduling a solo coffee date with yourself. Maybe it’s simply having an honest conversation about what you both need to feel like yourselves in your shared space.

Small steps create lasting change. And every boundary you communicate lovingly is actually an investment in the longevity and health of your relationship.

Remember: if conversations about space and individuality consistently create conflict, consider talking with a couples therapist who can help you navigate both partners’ needs with compassion and understanding. Learning to be individuals together is a skill worth investing in.

It’s true! Laughter is some of the best medicine. While you definitely want to experience this with your teen, this article is about you and your spouse. And oftentimes, laughter is the last thing we tend to share with one another. That and the idea that “this too shall pass”. Because it will, barring a critical issue evolving with your teenager, many of the tense moments are around smaller things that will be worked through.

Learning to laugh about them is one thing. First, we have to not take them so seriously as to redirect our angst against our spouse. That is really, really important! How do we do this? I have no idea. I just know it’s a good thing when it happens. How’s that for helpful? Keep it in the back of your mind. Try to allow your emotional reactions to dissipate in exchange for objective thinking. Don’t be afraid to cast a wink at your spouse in the height of things so you can remember to laugh later.

Raising teenagers? It’s not for the faint of heart. But it can be extremely rewarding, not just as parents, but as married couples. Join forces, brave souls! Ride into the fray with the intent not to forget the one at your side! Raise your banners high and prepare for battle! Draw your swords and—no. Fine. I’m being extreme.

The point is, we need our spouses. The last thing we want to do is damage our relationship with each other while trying to preserve our relationship with our teen. So communicate, spend time together, prioritize each other, share thoughts and emotions, and don’t criticize the other—even if they are overreacting.

And just imagine…one of these days, not long in the future, you’ll be rocking on your front porch, coffee in hand, talking about the “good ol’ days” when your phone rings, and your now adult child calls to ask you: “What do I do? My teenager is driving us nuts!”

How to Make Sure You Have a Perfect First Date

Dating can be incredibly exciting, particularly the first date. It is a lot like setting out on an exciting journey and having no idea where it is going to end up! Consequently, it can also be a little daunting and we know those pre date butterflies can sometimes put you off your A-Game! But relax, we have the top tips to take the stress out of dating and enable you to relax and have some fun!

Keep It Real

We understand that you will be eager to present the very best version of yourself, but we also urge you to keep it real! Making an effort is laudable, so be on time, dress up and be polite…but don’t be tempted to change your personality in an attempt to impress! You’re great as you are, so just be…And whilst it is good to be confident about your attributes, take care not to be self indulgent! Being interested in the other person will give off good vibes and enable you to discover their best attributes.

Leave the past where it belongs…

Hopefully you will recognise that you are at the start of a new journey, not ending an old one. Therefore don’t see this as your opportunity to vent about a previous relationship that went sour. Furthermore, you don’t need to know all the details of your date’s relationship history. Enjoy the art of conversation, this is not an interview. Relax and have fun, you may not see the person again…but at least you can enjoy the moment.

Questions are the source of all knowledge…

Yes, we stated that a date is not an interview, but questions are the key to enabling conversations. Great questions relate to travel, hobbies, films or books! It seems cliched but these trinkets of information can give you an insight into a person’s life and whether you share similar values.

Real life Dating vs Free Online Dating

Are you better at interfacing digitally rather than physically? It is a common problem, swiping this way or that is easy, but offline dating requires a little more social etiquette. Mai Tai Dating urges you to slow down the pace, beauty is more than skin deep so take some time to really get to know the person. At Mai Tai our matchmakers work hard to ensure you are not left feeling underwhelmed and for your peace of mind, all members have verified ID, which means you should only meet with like-minded professional people.

Happy Dating xxxxx

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So you’ve finally met someone and you’re in a long-term relationship, but perhaps there are a few nagging doubts hanging around your brain. While we all have doubts from time to time, here are some signs that you really need to ditch that dead weight pronto – go on, we dare you.

The Relationship has become Toxic

Let’s face it, we don’t set out to end up in a relationship that’s toxic but this can happen over time. Single you wouldn’t put up with parenting your partner or a close friend, arguments and power games so why are you putting up with it now? Think about what single you would say if you told them about your relationship, if it would be greeted with a snort of derision then you know what to do.

They’re Controlling

If you’re mature enough to pick who you want to date then you’re more than able to make decisions for yourself. That same idiotic partner probably wants to take that control away from you so you don’t end up leaving them. Sometimes, small controlling tendencies that you didn’t mind during the honeymoon period, like choosing what outfit they want you to wear, can quickly turn into full-blown red flags. Sound familiar?

It’s My Way or the Highway

Relationships are about compromise, so if your partner is becoming a bit of a monster than it might be time to cut ties. There’s no room in a relationship with a person that wants their own way all the time, so show them the highway out of your life.

The Blame Game

If you’re starting to doubt the relationship and might want to exit it, then they may start playing the blame game. Of course, everything will be your fault now! This is just a coping mechanism that some people use to make themselves feel better, so be glad you’re leaving this person behind.

Clamming Up

You’ve got something that’s really annoying you, maybe that pile of dishes in the sink has sat there for a minute too long, and you need to get it out. You’re communicating with your partner and you might as well be talking to the wall behind them. Break up and you can treat yourself to a nice chat with the wall without them, plus you’ll have less dirty dishes to deal with so it’s win-win.

Arguments Never End

Couples argue, no matter how perfect they may seem on the outside. However, if you’re replaying the same argument over and over again with no resolution, it’s time to really consider your options. Do you really want to be having the same argument for years? It’s a no from us, frankly, we’d rather be enjoying reruns of Dragon’s Den instead.

Ultimatums

These are often the last-ditch attempt of the idiot, if you don’t do things my way then I’ll leave. Next time they give you an ultimatum like this, feel free to encourage them to follow through.

Life is way to short to be spending time with a partner that isn’t really your soulmate. These behaviours are more than enough to stop a relationship in its tracks if they’re creeping in then explore your options. Remember that your soulmate is supposed to have your back, so hopefully, your single period will allow you to develop a high level of compromise along with a splash of gratitude.

“Maybe you need to lower your expectations – no one is perfect”.

“If you just stop trying so hard and forget about it, the right person will come along”.

 Sound familiar?!?

I’d hear it all so many times during my single life and it all boiled down to the same old “You’re asking for too much”.

Here are some tips to help you shift your mindset and manage your expectations of dating.

1. Allow yourself to be pleasantly surprised

When you’re dating without a critical eye you’ll be amazed at how wonderful someone can seem. This doesn’t mean that you’re going to end up with someone ‘less than’ it simply means that when you look for the positives in someone you’ll find them.

Put your checklist in your back pocket for a moment so that you can get to appreciate the good qualities in someone else. You’ll be surprised to find that lots of the stuff you have on your list will eventually get ticked off – it just won’t be in exactly the way that you thought it might.

And sometimes the really good things take a little bit of time to reveal themselves, so be patient and take it a little further than the first date.

2.  Be flexible about your requirements

So how long is that list of expectations exactly? You’ve probably prioritized the list. This is a good thing.

If your date is making the cut for most of your list, especially the big stuff, then consider taking the pressure off the relationship by finding girlfriends that are happy to do some of the smaller stuff with, like going to the art museum or having monthly picnics.

In this modern day, we expect one person to fill all the spaces in our lives. In reality, it takes a tribe to keep us happy, so expand your social circle, spend time with family and get some of your needs met by someone other than this one person.

3. Embrace change

Being intelligent and having a curious mind outweighs not reading three books per week. If the guy you’ve been on two dates with doesn’t have the same books on his bookshelf as you don’t stress. Don’t let the book thing bug you. Yes, reading magazines, blogs and newspapers do count as reading.

Plus, at the end of the day, people change as they get older. Think about you five years ago. Yep! Exactly…

4. Look for someone who is Imperfectly human

We’re all a work-in-progress. Life itself is a work-in-progress. This is called the growth mentality. Get into it and life will be one great adventure of doing stuff and having fun. We’re here to learn and grow together. Not to get it exactly right all the time.

It’s more important that the person you’re thinking of spending time with also has a growth mentality. This means that as a couple you have the space to move and change together. You’re in it for the adventure, not to get it perfect.

 5. Think about the short-term as well as the long-term

It’s all about balance…. Are you both heading in the same general direction in life? For example, do you both want to stay in the city you are in or move away? How flexible are you with this?

Just remember that your partner isn’t your clone so you shouldn’t expect him to share all of the same interests as you. That said, how do you intend to spend time together? What do you like doing? Netflix and chill? Eating out? Cooking together? Finding a few things that you can do as a couple and this quality time together will bring you closer together.

6. Future plans

If your life goal is to live in a big house by the sea it means you both need to be committed enough to put in the hard work required for it to happen. 

Simple goals such as happiness and companionship are powerful when it’s a joint enterprise. Don’t be scared about communicating what you’d like your future to look like. This is likely to bring up what you both value: time over money for example or vice versa. And we all know that shared values equal healthy relationships.  

And no, this is not a conversation you have on your first date.

7. Be fully and wholeheartedly yourself with him

Be honest and open and speak your truth with clarity and integrity and sensitivity. Let him know how you feel and what you want because after all, men are not mind readers. And if he is into you he’ll really want to get it right. So, help him get there!

 8.  Try not be too demanding

 Men love to succeed in all aspects of life. They like to know that they can be successful in a relationship with an amazing woman. And they want to know that they have what it takes.

When you make demands, like telling him he must reserve that restaurant or buy you that thing, you are not allowing him to do it out of his own love for you.

So, step back. If you want that thing, buy it for yourself. You know you can. And let him show you how he cares in his own way.

Yes, you can ask for what you want when it comes from your heart. But expecting that he serves you like the Queen of Sheeba makes him a servant and not a King.

If I went through my checklist and attempted to neatly tick off all the strange and unusual things on it (and there were many), then the incredible man that I’m with now would not be here.

The stuff that I did tick off right from the beginning were the big things like core values and plans for the future.

Luckily, I was smart enough to have the patience to wait so that I could see all the other little things about my current partner shine through. 

Definitely don’t throw away your expectations. Get to know someone and let them surprise you. Life and dating are so much more fun that way. 

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Andrea Balboni, Lush Coaching Xx

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play….And you definitely don’t want to be the one left shaking it off….do you?

Check out our jukebox! Never Again by Kelly Clarkson, Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood….Hold Up- Beyonce!

Hang on, Queen Bey? The very voice of empowerment and strength…but yet still she claims to have attracted the wrong men. So if it even happens to Beyonce, then I guess it will happen to all of us, men included, right?

No, totally wrong! You are in charge of your own destiny, you just need to reboot your thinking. So make yourself aware of the player warning signs and never again will you find yourself nursing a broken heart, spoon deep in a Ben and Jerry’s Karamel Sutra.

Commitment-Phobe

If that’s not a word, then it should be!

Be honest, we know the drill, yet we have a habit of telling ourselves the behaviour is normal, just maybe a tad flakey or laissez-faire…hmm, putting a French spin on a commitment-phobe does not make it any more romantic!

So how long have you been dating? Three months…maybe more? Have a check what’s in the diary. If you have no plans further than tonight’s dinner, chances are it’s time to steer clear!

Meet The Parents!

If you have seen the film, you know that meeting the parents is never going to be completely comfortable the first time around! However, as long as you don’t end up milking the cat or puffing the proverbial magic dragon….in the end, it will be just fine. 

But what if you have never been invited to meet the folks or even their friends, it is not a big deal, right?

Again, wrong!!!!

If they are a keeper, they will already be thinking ahead. They want you to get on with the family and close friends because they know you will be spending a lot of time together in the near future. Christmas, weddings, maybe a special birthday…these people will become a big part of your life and they should want them to love you as much as they do!

Where did you even find this date?

The year is 2018, so by now, we all know someone who knows someone that got married to that person they met on a dating site! Yet in reality, online dating only leads to something more than a quick hook up if you dedicate a minimum of 3 hours per week swiping. Our advice… Avoid the disappointment and meet someone in real life.

Other ways to increase your chances of meeting new singles would be through work, maybe at the gym or  even through a friend. Strictly no swiping

Conversation is king….

“A little less conversation a little more action please!”! Could there be a better motto for the potential player?

The player might appear to be listening to you, but they don’t hear what you say. Their gaze maybe off-kilter, looking for the door, checking their watch or worse…. checking their phone….wondering how long before they can take you home and literally get what they came for! So why waste your breath?

There are plenty of fish in the sea who truly want to invest time in conversation, get to know you as a person and save all the intimate stuff for a later date – which there definitely will be!

The Chase…..

If you are dating a player, you might find you’re always guessing. Undoubtedly the spontaneity can be exciting!  They might whisk you away at a moment’s notice, but only when it suits them. You will never know where you truly stand and that feeling of euphoria will soon be replaced with rejection, hurt and bewilderment! 

So remember, the thrill is not in the chase, but actually in the refusal to do the running.

Enjoy meeting your new dining partners!

The most important influence on a new relationship is always you! Forget trying to blame your bank balance or your friends because you and your attitude make the real difference to whether a new flame burns or snuffs out.

How do you act and treat your new partner? Do you hold back on saying cute things because you don’t want to seem desperate? Have you got certain questions that you ask to see if they value the same things as you?  Stop old habits and change the way to treat a new partner. We’ve compiled 7 concepts to remember as you navigate those dates and evenings in that might just lead to a relationship somewhere down the line.

1. Keep Reciprocity in Mind

When you do something kind like washing up after a meal, your partner’s more likely to see that you’ve done that and want to match you. It’s important not to diminish what you’ve offered though – when they say thank you for the act of kindness, make it clear that you did it because they would’ve done the same for you. That will sow the seeds of reciprocity.

2. Be Committed and Consistent

Committing to something, whether you do that vocally or in writing, means that you’re more likely to honour that commitment. If there’s one person we don’t like judging us, it’s ourselves. We like to be consistent and keep our promises, so make micro-commitments and keep them. Even something as straightforward as picking up a bottle of wine when you’ve said you will is a signal that you’re committed to making this work.

3. Ignore Social Conventions

If all your friends are getting serious in their relationships, the pressure is on for you to do the same. That can lead you to focus more on what everyone else is doing rather than your own relationship. In the beginning, it’s all about getting to know each other and working out whether this relationship is right for you. Don’t over-complicate it by comparing it to everyone else’s relationships.

4. Share Authority Figures

Relationships work best if you share the same values. We all have people we follow and respect, meaning that we’re more likely to do what they would do in a similar situation. For instance, if your authority figure tells you that cheating spells the end of a relationship, you’re more likely to believe them than if it was someone you don’t respect. Ideally, the authority figures that you and your partner look up to will have similar values.

5. Liking is Fundamental

If you don’t like someone, you won’t be persuaded to go out of your way to do anything for your new partner. It might sound simple, but you’d be surprised how many people feel compelled to pursue a romantic relationship with people they don’t like. Spoiler alert – those relationships are doomed.

6. Practice Scarcity

The thrill of a new relationship (or even just a second date with someone you’re really into) means that you’re likely to make yourself available far too often. The theory of demand and supply also applies to a relationship – if you offer too much, there’ll be no demand. But if you practice scarcity, the demand will be greater. We are not advising you to play any games instead simply continue being your awesome self which would mean perusing other interests.

7. Identify Your Partner’s Love Language

There are 5 love languages that human beings respond to. The key to making a relationship work is to figure out which your partner responds to most. They are:

• Words of Affirmation – Building up the other person via words instead of breaking them down with them
• Gifts – Demonstrate you’re thinking about someone and that you know them
• Acts of Service – Doing something for them that you’d know they’d like such as washing up or cooking
• Quality Time – Give them your undivided attention
• Physical Touch – Demonstrate your affection through holding hands or any other type of physicality

 The important thing to remember is that no two people are identical and there’s no manual to make new relationships grow into long-lasting ones. Focus on your partner and understanding how they tick – then you’re one step closer to persuading them that this relationship is right for you both.

Much love Xx Team Mai Tai