• You keep asking “is it me or them?”
• You hope things will magically get better at some point in the future.
• You suppress your personality to avoid conflicts.
• You are unhappy but your partner is just fine.
• Problems are never resolved, and nothing is ever gained.

Deal Breakers in Relationships

These type of situations are often called “deal-breaker” scenarios. They are highly problematic because they waste time and life is short. Too often, people spend years with the wrong person, or avoid the necessary steps to improve their relationship with the right person.

On top of that, deal breakers compromise your quality of life. When you’re not clear within yourself, you end up going along with something that doesn’t feel quite right. You may doubt yourself and wonder “Am I making too big a deal of this?” Or, worse, you make excuses and live in the future (“It will go away after he trusts me,” or “Once she goes to therapy it will get better”).

Remember, problems that are not resolved today are likely to never be resolved. (This is not to say problems cannot be solved, but if your partner is unwilling to work on something important today, this points to a low likelihood of a different future.)

Don’t bank on potential. See what is real in front of you now.

The only way to fix a deal-breaker situation is to find out what your personal non-negotiable relationship terms are, and take the steps to get it right or get out.

Dr. Bethany Marshall, author of the book Deal Breakers, has some great suggestions for women in compromising relationships. She specifically targets women in relationships with men, but her observations can be applied to both genders and same-sex relationships.

But first let’s define “deal-breaker” a little further. The very term implies that you are in some kind deal. As unromantic as this sounds, relationships are deals. And if the terms aren’t met, either party is free to walk away.

That is why it’s crucial that you understand what you can expect in the relationship. When you can’t effectively define the terms of your relationship, you will forever be frustrated, compromised, and disempowered.

In a nutshell, Dr. Marshall says a deal breaker is the one character flaw, emotional stance, or pattern of behavior that significantly damages the quality of a relationship.

Of course, most relationships are not perfect arrangements. All relationships generate some annoyances, transgressions, and disappointments.

But when you are facing a deal-breaker, you are looking at a non-negotiable term that, if not agreed to, kills the deal.  For example, lack of reciprocal emotional investment is a common one.

Deal breakers are not minor annoying habits or just one bad thing that has happened that is unrelated to other problems. Rather, they must:

• Destroy something that is precious to you.
• Undermine the very conditions that make it possible to love.
• Point to everything else that is wrong with the relationship. It is the “tip of the misery iceberg.”
• Show themselves early on. As symptoms of something deeper, they rarely come out of the blue.
• Hold potential to become a tool for positive change.

6 Ways to Assert Your Deal Breakers in Relationships

If you think that deal-breakers are at play in your relationship, here are some steps you can take to get some clarity:

1.       Know yourself. Ask the following questions: “Do the emotions I have in this relationship feel familiar?” “What is it that makes it hard for me to think clearly?” Be honest with yourself about what you really want, and not just want you think you should want.

2.      Be aware of personality problems. Dr. Marshall identifies several personality traits in men, but in my experience these patterns can be found in anyone.

Do any of these sound familiar?

• The Scriptwriter: This person decides who you are without consulting you. You feel misunderstood, like a character in their play.  For example, your partner is so afraid of “being taken to the cleaners,” that you pay for everything to avoid being typecast.
• The Person in Charge: This type of person is intolerant towards people and situations they can’t control. They may be very reliable and seemingly caring, but you feel smothered. They must be the originator of all experiences or else they are a buzzkill.
• The Person without Fault: This person cannot self-reflect and rarely takes responsibility for their actions and feelings. They overvalue their achievements and deny their impact on others around them.
• The Invisible Person: This person is emotionally constricted and frequently shuts down in the context of intimate relationships.
• Child Posing as an Adult: This type of person avoids responsibility for themselves. They can be exciting and pleasure seeking. But they have difficulty being alone and their actions contradict their words.

3.      Confront the confusion. Ask yourself two key questions:
1) “What is non-negotiable for me?” This is what you must have in a relationship. Don’t judge yourself for wanting it. Want what you want!
2)  “If things don’t change, can I live with it?” If something feels unacceptable to you in the future, it is probably unacceptable now.

4.      Stop the self-blame.  Own your own neuroses, but don’t take all responsibility for the joint dynamic.

5.      Assert yourself.

• Reveal your feelings and needs. Describe your deal-breaker and give your partner specific examples of what is not working for you.
• Give your partner a chance to respond.
• Let them come up with their own solutions. You can ask: “What can/will you do to make the situation better?”  But do not do all the work.

6.      Have the willingness to walk away. If your partner is not able to take on board what you have shared,  ask yourself: “How long am I willing to wait?” Set a time limit, and make a plan.

This is not easy. It can be excruciating.

But as Dr. Marshall says: “Loss can be negotiated, and reputations can be repaired. But a life can never be relived. So make sure you are living it with the right person.”

Be brave!

If you have examined your deal breakers in relationships and decide to end the relationship, see by blog on smart steps to take when ending a relationship.

Until then, I love hearing from you! Share with me your thoughts below . . .

The third horsemen in the Four Horsemen is defensiveness, which is defined as self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in an attempt to ward off a perceived attack. Many people become defensive when they are being criticized, but the problem is that its perceived effect is blame. It is usually a counterattack to a complaint, which is not criticism.

What does defensiveness look like?

Everyone has been defensive, and this horseman is almost always present when relationships are on the rocks. When you feel unjustly accused, you fish for excuses so that your partner will back off. But defensiveness is a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying, in effect, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.”

Complaint: “Did you call your parents to let them know that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?”

Defensiveness: “I was just too busy today. You know how busy my schedule is! Why didn’t you just do it?”

The defensive partner in this example isn’t taking responsibility for breaking their promise. Instead, they blame their partner. As a result, the problem is not resolved and the conflict escalates further, which paves the way for other horsemen, like criticism and contempt, to enter into the argument.

Unfortunately, this strategy is almost never successful. Excuses just tell your partner that you don’t take them seriously, or you’re trying to get them to buy something that they don’t believe, or you’re simply blowing them off. Although it is perfectly understandable for this partner to put up a defense in the example given above, this approach doesn’t have the desired effect. The attacking spouse does not back down or apologize. They fail to solve the problem.

The antidote to defensiveness? Take responsibility.

The antidote to defensiveness is to accept responsibility for your role in the situation, even if only for part of the conflict. In healthy relationships, partners don’t get defensive when discussing an area of conflict.

Complaint: “Did you call your parents to let them know that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?”

Antidote: “Oops, I forgot. I should have asked you this morning to do it because I knew my day would be too busy. Let me call them right now.”

John Gottman talks to Anderson Cooper about defensiveness in the first half of this short clip:

Partners who avoid defensiveness instead take responsibility for their role in the issue and express an interest in their partner’s feelings. They say, “You’re right, I could have been more aware of how exhausted you were. What you are saying makes some sense, tell me more.” Having acknowledged that you have some role in the problem, you are accepting responsibility for a part of it. When you do this, you will find that you can have a real dialogue with your partner. You become a team working through the problem together.

Think about perpetual problems in your relationship, those problems that come up often and never seem to go away.

Is the TV on too much?

Do you feel like your partner is away all the time?

Are you overburdened with housework?

Do you feel like you spend too much time arguing about little things?

Imagine the conversations, arguments, and fights you have about conflict areas going differently, with less criticism or contempt and more understanding your partner’s needs, expressing your needs in a healthy way, and taking responsibility for things that went wrong. If these discussions crop up all the time, you’ll be sure to benefit from handling them in a healthier way. Think about these two things when bringing up a particular problem:

• What is your goal?
• What is the real problem underlying the conflict?

When you have time, make a list of the subjects you want or need to address—the ones that never seem to get resolved. Write down your desired way for the conversation to go. Using the examples above, try to replace defensiveness with taking responsibility the next time the subject comes up. Also, don’t forget what you learned about criticism: complain without blame and express a positive need. You will be happily surprised with the results!

Understanding defensiveness

Defensiveness is a tough one in that it is a more passive behavior than contempt or criticism. We may not even realize that we are entering into a defensive state.

When you become defensive in a conversation with your partner, you react to their words without listening to what they’re saying.

More often than not, you attempt to ward off the perceived attack by turning the tables on them. “It’s not my fault that we’re always late; it’s your fault.” 

Non-verbal communication

Remember that non-verbal cues are constantly exchanged in conversation, often picked up subconsciously by your brains while you are busy processing something else in the interaction. Whether you realize it or not, they are vital to your interpretation of the speaker’s intent. Tone, body language, facial expression, and other external effectual signs are often internationally recognizable, not particular to any cultural or ethnic group.

You can all read eye-rolling as contempt, and feel a listener’s turned-away body language as a sign of withdrawal. However, other non-verbal cues are not as recognizable. You may not even be aware that you are doing it.

You may have the best intentions when you come into a conversation, but even the most positive attitude cannot last in the face of serious misunderstanding. Though you may have your partner’s best interests in mind, if they misinterpret your message, you’re likely allowing more horsemen into the situation: criticism can evoke a defensive response, followed by a contemptuous statement, leading to emotional withdrawal and stonewalling.

Keep your focus on avoiding criticism and contempt, and you can hold off the rest much more easily. Practice paying attention to your responses and those of your partner. Try accepting responsibility and see the benefits of your results. Your relationship may begin to feel safer, more stable, and more intimate than ever before.

“If only…” Those two words paired together create one of the saddest phrases in the English language.

Today is my late grandfather’s birthday. He was a great man and he would have been 101. So I want to acknowledge him right now by re-sharing a bittersweet story with you — a story that continues to remind me to acknowledge myself, and what matters most in life.

In the final decade of his life, my grandfather woke up every single day at 7am, picked a fresh wild flower on his morning walk, and took it to my grandmother. One morning I decided to go with him to see her. And as he placed the flower on her gravestone, he looked up at me and said, “I just wish I had picked her a fresh flower every morning when she was alive. She really would have loved that.”

As you can imagine, my grandfather’s words touched a nerve in me. And over the years I’ve often reflected on what he said that morning, and how his sentiment relates to everyone and everything I care about. God willing, in 20 years when I’m nearing 70, I don’t want to sit with unnecessary regrets. I don’t want to wish I had done things differently, especially something as simple and meaningful as picking wild flowers for the love of my life. Don’t you agree?

Regardless of your age or where you are in your life right now, perhaps you will generally resonate with my thoughts here – some key things I don’t want to regret later in life…

1. Spending too little time with the right people. – Sooner or later you just want to be around the people who make you smile. So today, spend time with those who help you love yourself more. And remember, the people you take for granted today may be the only ones you need tomorrow. Never be too busy to make time for those who matter most (even if it’s just a quick phone call or a text).
2. Not making your loved ones smile more often. – One of the most beautiful things is to see a person you love smile, and even more beautiful is knowing that you are the reason behind it.
3. Not saying what you need to say. – Don’t hide your kind thoughts and feelings, especially when you can make a difference. Say what needs to be said. If you care about someone, tell them. Hearts are sometimes broken by the words we leave unspoken.
4. Constantly comparing yourself to everyone else. – Don’t compare your progress in life with that of others. We all need our own time to travel our own distance. It’s great to be different. The only person you should try to be better than right now, is the person you were yesterday. Prove yourself to yourself, not others.
5. Ignoring your intuition for too long. – Sometimes your mind needs more time to accept what your heart already knows. Breathe. Be a witness, not a judge. Listen to your intuition.
6. Letting others talk you out of your dreams. – Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be? Let that question sink in deep. Be true to yourself.
7. Collecting more excuses than you can count. – If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse. Truly, some people wait all day for 5pm, all week for Friday, all year for the holidays, all their lives for happiness. Don’t be one of them. Life is too short. Time is flying. Don’t wait until your life is almost over to realize how good it has been, or how much potential is within you. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail within the Success chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy Successful People Do Differently“.)
8. Not taking on enough calculated risks. – Don’t be afraid to move out of your comfort zone. My grandfather told me that some of his best life experiences and opportunities came to him only after he dared to lose.
9. Letting certain people walk all over you, again and again. – Never allow someone to be your daily priority while allowing yourself to be their option. Set boundaries, and distance yourself from anyone who continually robs you of peace and joy. Life is too short to waste on people who abuse and bully you.
10. Not helping others enough. – If you have a lot, give your wealth. If you have a little, give your heart. Just give what you can when you are able. No one has ever become poor by giving and lifting others up.
11. Letting your health go. – Your body is the only place you will truly ever live. If you’re lucky enough to have a body that’s in good health, be wise enough to keep it that way.
12. Not appreciating what you have when you have it. – When life is good, enjoy it. Don’t go looking for something better. Happiness never comes to those who don’t appreciate what they have. You must be willing to loosen your grip on the life you have planned so you can enjoy the life that is waiting for you now. Remind yourself: You did not go to sleep hungry last night. You had a choice of what to wear today. You have access to clean drinking water. You have access to the internet. You can read. The secret to being grateful is no secret. You choose to be grateful, for the little things.
13. Never admitting and growing beyond your mistakes. – You can learn great things from your mistakes when you aren’t busy denying them.
14. Time spent on impressing the wrong people. – Be kind to everyone, yes, but realize that not everyone will appreciate what you do for them. You have to figure out who’s worth your daily attention and who’s just taking advantage of you. Spend more time with those who make you smile and less time with those who you constantly feel pressured to impress.
15. Lots of drama and needless arguments. – Life is too short to argue and fight. Count your blessings, value the people who matter and move on from the drama with your head held high.
16. Letting a grudge hurt your inner peace. – Let it go. Grudges are a waste of peace and happiness. Holding one tightly is like letting unwanted company live rent free in your head.
17. Getting stuck in the trap of consumerism. – Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t need, to impress folks they don’t even know. Don’t be one of them. (Read “The Total Money Makeover”.)
18. Forcing what’s not meant to be. – Never force anything. Do your best, then let it go. Don’t hold yourself down with things you can’t control. Sometimes you have to stop worrying, wondering, and doubting. Have faith that things will work out, maybe not how you planned, but just how it’s meant to be.
19. Resisting change instead of rolling with it. – You’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or a week ago. You’re always growing. Life is evolving. Flow with it.
20. Talking the talk, but never walking the walk. – When it’s all said and done, be sure you haven’t said more than you’ve done. Remind yourself, again and again, that your daily actions always speak louder than your words. So work hard in silence today, and let your success be your noise in the end.

But what if you already have regrets?

Marc and I have mentioned this in previous articles, but I figured it was worth reiterating here because regrets sometimes sneak up on us. As alluring as the idea of living a regret-free life sounds, it’s rarely an easy feat. Oftentimes before we even realize it, our minds are dwelling on missed opportunities and mistakes.

Yes, even when we know better we regret things. And we do so simply because we worry that we should have made different decisions in the past. We should have done a better job, but didn’t. We should have given a relationship another chance, but didn’t. We should have started that business, but didn’t. We compare the real outcomes of our past decisions to an ideal fantasy of how things “should” be.

The problem of course is that we can’t change our past decisions, because we can’t change the past. Yet we resist this truth to no end — we keep over-analyzing and comparing the unchangeable past reality to our ideal fantasy until we’ve wasted days of our lives in utter misery.

But why?

If we logically know better, why can’t we just let all our ideals and fantasies GO?

Because we identify personally with these ideals and fantasies. We all have this vision in our minds of who we are — our great intentions, our intelligence, our social impact, etc. Even if you struggle with certain self-esteem issues, you probably still identify with yourself as being a decent and respectful human being. And so when someone says something about us that contradicts the vision of ourselves that we identify with — when they insult our intentions, our intelligence, our status, etc. — we take offense. We feel personally attacked and we have a hard time letting it go.

Something very similar happens when we believe we did something — made a mistake for example — that contradicts that same vision of ourselves that we identify with. We take offense! And in some cases we implode on ourselves — we berate ourselves for making the mistake. “How could I have done this?” we think. “Why couldn’t I have been smarter and made a better decision?” And again, we have a hard time letting it go — we have a hard time coming to grips with the fact that we aren’t always as good as the vision we have of ourselves.

So in a nutshell, our ideals and fantasies about ourselves tend to cause us lots of misery.

The key is to gradually practice letting go of these ideals and fantasies, and focus instead on making the best of your present reality. The truth must be embraced…

• Every bad decision we made in the past is done — none of them can be changed. And in fact there’s some good in every one of those bad decisions too, if we choose to see it. Just being able to make a decision at all is a gift, as is being able to wake up in the morning, and being able to learn and grow from our wide-ranging life experiences.
• We are not actually what we envision ourselves to be, at least not always. We are human and therefore we are multi-layered and imperfect. We do great things, and we make mistakes. We give back, and we are selfish sometimes. Even when we are doing our absolute best, we are prone to errors in judgment. And once we embrace this and get comfortable with our humanness, making a bad decision tends to conflict a lot less with our new, more flexible (and more accurate) vision of ourselves.

Of course, all of this is easier said than done, but whenever you find yourself regretting a past decision, you can 1) acknowledge that you’re falling into this pattern, 2) realize that there’s some ideal or fantasy you’re comparing your decisions or yourself to, and 3) gradually let go of this ideal or fantasy by making peace with what’s behind you, so you can focus more on what’s directly in front of you.

Now it’s your turn…

I challenge you to put the reminders in this article to good use. And I challenge you to give yourself some credit right now for the fact that you’re already doing a pretty good job with at least some of the 20 points above…

Yes, let’s flip the concept of this article around for a second, and instead of sharing something you don’t want to regret down the road, tell me this:

What have you done lately that you know you will NOT regret down the road?

Please leave a comment below.

Was I Wrong To Pick Up My Ex From Jail?

Q

Hello! My ex (we broke up last year) is not doing well and recently they were arrested and called me to pick them up from jail the next morning, which of course I did. I was hanging out with my girlfriend when this happened. This is of course part of the issue, that I left her to go help my ex. I was back at my girlfriend’s place within two hours but, she was not pleased. I have no lingering feelings for this ex, and things like this is why we broke up. I couldn’t handle the chaos and knew I was succumbing to codependent behaviors that were not helping her or me.

My new girlfriend insists my ex only called me because she wanted an excuse to see me and she could’ve called someone else. I think it was because she would be embarrassed to call someone else. But the ‘why’ doesn’t much matter to me. She needed help, I helped her. She thanked me via text but otherwise we haven’t chatted since. My new girlfriend has suggested I go no-contact with the ex. I’m having a hard time with this, imagining blocking her, and her needing me or needing someone and not being there. It was a huge step for me to get out of the relationship, get into therapy, and so on. I think I’ve grown a lot, but I am not opposed to helping her out of dire situations, she is someone who once upon a time helped me out a lot, too. Am I wrong to oppose this no contact suggestion?

A:

Summer: I had an experience like yours of lesser magnitude. Former casual hookup. Late at night. Car needed jumpstarting. Back home in an hour. My girlfriend was unimpressed. I had the same mentality as you: This person and I are no longer ‘together’ or interacting much, but I want to help the people in my life.

I’m on your side of the ring when I say that you’re allowed to oppose the no-contact suggestion. You know there are no residual feelings. You want to help a person who would otherwise not have much support. You and your ex have significant history that should be acknowledged, even if much of it was terrible. However, taking someone home after an arrest is much more serious than pulling up to jumpstart someone’s car. I think it’s understandable that your girlfriend doesn’t like what she sees. This may be a manifestation of her views of your ex as a potential bad influence or primarily a harmful aspect of your life. But her perspective sounds rational to me. If you talk to her about this, just remember that she’s probably seen the aftermath and heard much about the bad times you had with your ex. She didn’t experience the good times as keenly as you, so her opinion is probably weighted.

Valerie: I agree that going no-contact doesn’t seem to be the solution here. Maybe instead you and your girlfriend can come up with boundaries to try first. The type of help you can be available for, for example. Or how often you can show up for her in those ways. Or that instead of leaving your girlfriend to help your ex in a situation like that, you take your girlfriend with you so she can see that it’s just a friend helping a friend. And communicating these things to your ex, too; for example, telling her that you can’t be there for her the same way you could when you were together, and asking her to only call you if she’s truly out of other options. I don’t think cutting your ex off is the answer if you genuinely don’t feel yourself being pulled back into codependency with your ex, and if it’s not something that’s happening too often.

Mal: I’ve definitely been on your gf’s side of the coin with experiencing my partner show up for their ex in dire situations. Although no-contact would’ve appeased my insecurity and need for control at the time, ultimately I found myself more proud of her values and her humanity. I had to keep reminding myself that my only issue with the way she was showing up is that it was her ex and that I’d absolutely want her to show up for the people she cared for this way. It’s the crux of the partners we choose. Sometimes the very things we love most about our partners are also things that are deeply challenging. If therapy is an option, I’d suggest taking this to the therapist. I think defining what your boundaries vs. non-negotiables are around this are important. Try not to keep her out of the loop with your decisions and actions. I also agree that going ‘no-contact’ doesn’t feel like the solution and sometimes the solution is a bit uncomfortable.

Nico: Jail is a terrible place, and if someone calls you to come get them from jail, and you are able to do so, you should just go do it — unless they’re someone who abused you or who you feel threatened by or already have a serious no-contact situation regarding. Sometimes helping people is inconvenient. It’s often inconvenient. Sometimes we have to help people we don’t like very much. Not everything can be cozy and comfortable and emotionally cut-and-dry and to expect otherwise is just unrealistic if you want to build a better world, frankly.

I don’t think you’re wrong to oppose no-contact. It seems like a really strong reaction to you going out of your way to do a nice thing. I also think that you don’t need to oppose going no-contact just because you want to help your ex. You can also just be opposed to going no-contact in a situation where you don’t feel it’s necessary for your own well-being. This sounds like it’s about your girlfriend’s comfort and jealousy, which are things you two should talk about and work through without the first go-to being to cut someone outside of your romantic relationship off.

Can I Forget About The Things She Said When She Was Drunk?

Q

Hello! So, my partner is an alcoholic, but she’s been sober for a long while now and I am so proud of them and their progress and want to be supportive as much as I can! Yet I’m struggling with memories of things she said when she was still drinking. I really wish I wasn’t, but she would get very mean and these words still haunt me. In my worst moments it feels downright unfair that I have to live with these memories and they don’t! I wonder if there were grains of truth in the things she said, and I wonder if it might help me move on to be able to share them with her? I fear making her sobriety about me!

A

Summer: If this were a once-off event, I’d stereotypically cleave to the old saying that drunk words are sober truths? But I did a Master’s in Psychology with a focus on substance use and there’s much more going on here than just that.

Your partner’s past in addiction is much more than a few benders and some binge-drinking. It was/is a persistent form of distress, impulse control, and pain that will follow her for the rest of her life. The nightmare of addictive behavior (in any form) is that it is centered on agency. The problem is which part of a person holds agency at a given time. The world is full of awful people who happen to be inebriated. The world is full of good people who suffer when they do harmful things on lowered inhibitions. And depending on the day/substance/mood, a person can swing willy between both states. I don’t know your partner personally, so it’s really up to you to decide if you believe your partner is a good person who was being pulled thin by addiction and alcohol. Or if she was actually speaking a (exaggerated) version of the truth that was just being motivated by the alcohol.

Having a person with addiction in your life is on every level, a struggle with a lifelong medical condition. It’s not ‘just’ dating someone who is troublesome or loud. I find that it’s easier to understand and forgive ourselves when we realize that we’re not only partners, but also caregivers of people in very difficult circumstances. It’s… a difficult road to walk.

I don’t think you could ever forget what she said to you. But you do have a right to try and address her when she’s well enough to do so. Preferably in a safe, contained environment so it doesn’t traumatize both of you. I wish there was an easier answer, but it will come down to whether you believe in her goodness and your ability to be present for her.

Valerie: Do you think this is a question you could ask her? If she thinks she’d be comfortable talking about the things she said when she was drunk that are still weighing on you, or if she thinks that would hurt her sobriety? Because I think probably if she’s been sober and hasn’t repeated any of the things she said or continued to make you feel that way, she probably didn’t mean them (sometimes hurt people say things they know will hurt people) and it’s possible she’d love the opportunity to reassure you about that. If she says she doesn’t think it would be productive to talk about them, or she’s not feeling on solid ground enough yet re: her sobriety, I would suggest talking to them with a therapist or a trusted friend who you know wouldn’t ever hold them against your partner or bring it up again. (I recommend a therapist.) That way, you can still get them off your chest and work through why you think some things she said might have had truth to them, etc and work toward getting them to stop haunting you. As her partner, her sobriety does affect your life, so it’s okay to make it a LITTLE about you for a few conversations, especially if you don’t go into them accusatory or combative, but instead with the ultimate goal of healing and growing closer.

Nico: I think it would also be good to find a support group for partners of recovering alcoholics — whether you need to find this support online or can find it locally near you, much like recognizing you’re a caregiver as Summer said, recognizing that you have needs and support needs is really important. In addition to talking with a therapist yourself, I think it would also be good to write these words down in a document or a journal. Then, you can get them out of your head and onto a page until you’re ready to address them with a therapist, with a group, with your partner, or any combination of those things. Until then, I would try — and I know it’s hard —not to let anything your partner said to you impact your view of yourself. And if ultimately it’s too much for you to live with, it’s not wrong of you to leave.

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Would It Be Weird For Me To Make a Move?

Q

This is gonna sound like a rom-com setup but it’s my actual life: I think I might be developing feelings for my ex-boyfriend’s sister? I dated her brother ending about six years ago for a solid three years, so I know their parents fairly well. She was away at school out of state for most of that time, so I didn’t get to know her very much back then, but what little I saw, I remember thinking she was cute and feeling intrigued by her bisexuality around the same time I was starting to realize I liked girls too. Not saying she’s my “root”…. But not saying she isn’t. Her brother is married now and lives close enough to visit but far enough away that he’s not constantly around. Now, her and I work at the same place, and I have been getting to know her, and I do think there’s something there. So, the big question is: should I let myself have feelings for the sister or is it totally out of pocket to pursue something with her?

A:

Riese: Is it super super weird? Absolutely. Is it prohibited? I don’t think so? I went ahead and googled “fell in love with ex-boyfriend’s sister” and I was like, wow this is a common query, but it turned out all those results were men who’d fallen in love with their ex-girlfriend’s sister, which does seem worse? Is this because I just saw “The Better Sister”? Probably there’s something gender rigid/essentialist about feeling that it’s worse, like that somehow two sisters are variations on a theme but a brother and a sister are different entities? Or that there are 6,000 times more straight women out there than there are queer women so for straight men it seems like ok dude just pick someone else for chrissake? IDK, maybe someone else will have insight into that. It’s just truly so hard to envision like hanging out with the same family but while dating a different sibling?? But it looks like there are other people who’ve done this and lived to tell the tale and sometimes it’s not weird.

I do think the more important factors here are that it was six years ago that you dated and that he’s married — also I’m not sure anybody’s ages here, if you dated him while you were in high school, for example, maybe it’s not as weird. But honestly I think the person most at risk for discomfort here is her — but I’m not sure there’s any way to broach it with her unless genuine feelings have been seen and acknowledged by you both. I truly think she has to be a once-in-a-lifetime love to overcome the potential weirdness. If she is then maybe this will be a really funny story to tell at your wedding!

Summer: It just occurred to me that I love writing AF+ Advice answers but I’m assessed autistic and therefore have a diagnosable condition that makes interpreting social cues difficult. Absolutely great.

But IMO? You’re not out-of-pocket for wanting this. The main factors I’m looking at to reach that conclusion are emotional distance from your ex, and evidence of horrible fallout. The worst distance to do this would be to fall for his sister while you’re still dating him. Not the case here. You’ve been separated by six years of time and he’s definitely moved on. The people involved might have completely different life stages and personalities at this point. So you’ve got a good emotional distance from the ex to make this doable.

And I also don’t see signs that there is emotional fallout to contend with. You didn’t mention a horrible separation from the ex. You’re interacting amicably with your new crush. You even have a reasonable connection (work) to start afresh. I don’t see an issue continuing this. I honestly think your real challenge is going to be dating within the same workplace.

Valerie: I agree that the biggest hurdle is probably going to be if SHE thinks it’s weird. Riese said if you dating her brother while you were in high school it might not be weird, but as an older sister, if she was in college at that time, and you were her brother’s high school girlfriend, she might not see you as “her age” at all, no matter what your ages are now. I am four years older than my brother, and it’s actually very funny to me how I see him and his friends as “little” still, even though we are all in our 30s. It would be a bit of a hurdle for me to consider dating someone I knew through my brother when he was in high school and I was in college, despite the fact that a four-year age difference wouldn’t give me pause in any other situation at my big age. I know it doesn’t really make sense, and maybe it’s an older sister/younger brother thing, or maybe it’s a “my brain is weird” thing, I don’t know, but that’s just something to consider if she doesn’t seem to be returning your feelings. Also, depending on how things ended and how close your ex was with his parents…consider you might be the family villain. The girl that broke their baby boy’s heart. So that’s something else to consider, if things would be awkward if you were ever brought home to re-meet the parents. That said, I’ve heard of MUCH stranger starts to relationships working out just fine, so it could definitely be more out of pocket.

Nico: You’re not…completely out of pocket. Just…if this happens, don’t ever discuss one with the other, I think, is a good rule. You might be tempted — but just don’t. I think Valerie’s question as to whether you might inadvertently be a family villain is a good one, maybe wise to do some investigating there. And finally, as everyone else has said, the most important person to check in here with is your crush. If she’s uncomfortable, it probably just won’t work. Speaking of “work” — what kind of workplace are you in, is actually a big factor here. Is it appropriate to have a workplace romance, or will you two see some scrutiny for that? If you think that you’re likely to be under a microscope at all, then you might expect the fact that you dated her brother in the past to come out, so just be careful out there!

What If I’m Too Intimidated To Sext Her

Q

I’m dating a writer and they are a REALLY good sexter which makes me REALLY intimidated. What I need is for you, the writers of Autostraddle, to give me tips or tell me that I should not feel this intimidated! Thank you. 

A

Summer: Ahahahah oh goodness. Yeah okay, I’m a writer and online sex worker. So I have to be a great sexter or I’ll discredit both of my professions. I have input for you. You’re going to be okay.

For one, take heart. You and them are dating. And engaging s-e-x-u-a-l-l-y. They’re already into you. Whatever your sexting is, it’s already good enough to keep them interested. We can always look for areas of improvement, of course.

This one is overdone, but true. My best sexting comes from a place of genuine interest and arousal. Whether sexting at work or in a personal capacity, this remains true. When you start sexting, do what you can to make it a whole-body experience for you. If it’s appropriate, throw on some smut or porn. Draw the curtains. Settle into your comfy spot and give her your time and imagination. If you’re enjoying yourself, it’ll automatically show in the texts.

Don’t be afraid to fantasize about your next sex with her and not send it immediately. Play your fantasies out in your mind. Masturbate over them. Decorate them with sights, scents, and sounds well before you text. That way, when sexting time rolls around and your emotions are already running, you have a pre-made vision to draw on. Less stress about coming up with something good in the moment.

Everything else I leave to my fellow authors.

Kayla: I promise you shouldn’t be intimidated! Good writing and good sexting, I’ve found, are actually distinct skills. So your partner is a good writer and a good sexter, but I don’t think the latter is inherently because of the former. Which is all to say: Even if you’re not a writer, you can be very good at sexting. And I’ve sexted with writers who were just okay at sexting!!!!

For starters, you don’t even HAVE to use a lot of words in sexting —you can utilize photos and Live Photos. I love sexting, and I’m a writer, but I wouldn’t say I apply much of the craft of writing to my sexting. I’m indeed more of a visual sexter! And you don’t have to be a professional photographer to be good at taking nudes either. In general, I find with sexting that less is more —unless your partner is into excessive scene setting, just get to the point, leave some things up for imagination, and don’t overthink it.

Nico: Like Kayla said, sometimes, less is more. Leaving a bit of mystery gives your texting partner room to fill in the gaps. You don’t have to sext like you’re laying out a roadmap. You can think more about setting a scene, highlighting a moment, or throwing in a kind-of-forward curveball about something you want to do that will open the floor to more expansive conversation. And also — who doesn’t love a hot photo. One of the hottest sexts I’ve ever been sent was from a stone butch I dated extremely briefly: she sent me something very much like, “I was thinking about you the other night and my stomach dropped. I imagined touching you for the first time and seeing on your face that you knew you were about to be fucked right.” It’s somehow so hot without being explicit at all!! Art!! And no, this person was not a writer by trade.

Riese: Some articles for you:

Let’s Talk About Sexting: A Roundtable

10 Tips For Texting About Sex

8 Queer Sexting Experts On How We Digitally Do It

10 Tips For Better Lesbian Sexting

How To Write a Really Hot Sex in 5 Easy Steps

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!

Jones, who has blonde highlights and well-defined cheekbones, says she has worked with a host of start-ups and CEOs of small companies to help improve teamwork and boost productivity. Some people, like her, are using knowledge of human design within their own families to help foster more harmonious relations. “My daughters both have entirely different designs than mine, my husband does too,” she says, explaining that she is a projector, like many other coaches like Day. “It’s been so useful to be like, ‘I’m not expecting either my daughters to be anything like me’.”

Human design was born in 1987 when Canadian former advertising executive Robert Krakower, a rumored ketamine enthusiast who had been living like a hippie and residing in a dilapidated casita in Ibiza, claimed to have had an intense transcendental encounter with “the voice” over the course of eight days. As origin myths go, his makes Moses at the burning bush sound almost low-key.

Krakower, a bearded Mufti headdress-wearer who worked part-time at a local school, was walking with his dog when it picked up a scent and approached an abandoned house, noticing a light beneath the door. He shouted at the door and demanded to know, “Who’s there?,” he recalled once in a lecture in Germany. Once inside, the heavy smoker said he heard a voice he imagined to come from “a cigar-smoking 155-year-old woman.”

Then Krakower claimed he started gushing with sweat from head to toe. He went back to his nearby home and said “the voice” instructed him to place his Bible, Bhagavad Gita and Stanford biology textbook together, along with a chessboard and a copper coil. He was told to burn a combination of herbs from the shelves and said a series of cosmic revelations ensued, spanning the Big Bang, the nature of being, the “crystals of consciousness,” and “rave cosmology,” a far out prophecy he went on to make, predicting alien influence in a prophesied influx of disabled and mute children born in or after 2027.

All of this information would help Krakower—who soon renamed himself Ra Uru Hu, a play on his name Robert, a word from “the voice”, and the moment when he demanded to know who was behind the door—forge the pseudoscientific human design system and the bodygraphs which help uniquely define each person according to a series of numbers in his 1992 guide, The Black Book. “Madness is an interesting thing,” said Krakower, who was a “splenic manifestor” and died in 2011 of a heart attack at age 62. “I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. Like, caught in this incredible, choiceless movie.”

In accordance with Krakower’s prophecy, Richard Beaumont, the director of Human Design UK, who worked closely with Krakower for years before his death has already purchased the domain name silentbabies.com. “There’s going to be a new species coming in February 2027,” he says, while sipping a glass of white wine in front of a human design chart over Zoom from his home in the west of England.

“They’re not going to be human, but they will come through human women.” (The human design school Krakower founded, the Jovian Archive, sells an online course centred on the alien prophecy for $2,079, and the organization warns of “imitators and unlicensed black marketeers” across the global network of licenses, trademarks and authorized teachers.) Human design is not a belief system, says Beaumont, who has 38,000 subscribers on his YouTube channel. “This is an endless knowledge … We’re not here to interfere with who we are; we’re here to decondition.”

They say you don’t truly know someone until you’ve lived with them. And in most cases, it is true. Once you’ve seen a person being their authentic selves at home, whether while passed out on the couch and involuntarily passing gas or having their eccentric eating habits on full display, can you get a good gauge of their personality. 

In this case, a few women are sharing what they’ve learned about the male species after cohabitating with one. For many of them, seeing the genital complexities and behavioral quirks of the opposite sex (among many other things) has opened their eyes in more ways than one. 

To our female readers, feel free to share any similar anecdotes you may have. Guys, feel free to enlighten them.

“My favorite trend.”

Susan LaMarca

Posted on September 12 2025 5:00 pm CDT

The “not Mr. Darcy but” trend has TikTok users romanticizing moments from daily life.

Featured Video

The trend’s videos include recordings of somewhat mundane scenes depicting life’s ordinary pleasures, along with a caption that begins with the phrase, “not Mr. Darcy but,” and goes on to describe the clip. Observations of loved ones, pets, and found beauty are heightened by romantic background music that often references movie adaptations of Jane Austen’s “Pride and Prejudice.”

When did the trend begin?

The trend first started in June 2025 and became popular on TikTok throughout July and August 2025. “Not Mr. Darcy” refers to Mr. Darcy, the character who is the protagonist Elizabeth Bennett’s iconic love interest in Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Darcy, an aloof rich guy from the 19th century, known for his initial smoldering disinterest in romance, reveals himself to be kind, generous, and honorable as he eventually falls for Bennett. 

As a meme, Mr. Darcy represents a romantic hero. TikTok user @maile_moe12 referenced Darcy on June 25, 2025, when sharing a clip of their dog enjoying raspberries from a bush in the garden. They wrote, “It’s not Mr. Darcy walking through a field but my dog eating raspberries,” in onscreen text. The video appears to be the origin of the “Not Mr. Darcy but” trend. 

@maile_moe12 We grow the raspberries just for him #corgi #summer #corgisoftiktok ♬ original sound – Author Naomi Rawlings – Timeless Love Stories

TikTok creators have expanded on the trend to include idyllic or funny domestic and quotidian moments that show gratitude for partners, loved ones, and simple pleasures, using hashtags #prideandprejudice and #mrdarcy. Romance lovers are captivated by the trend.

@maile_moe12’s video of their corgi eating raspberries has racked up over 13 thousand views. The post’s caption reads, “We grow the raspberries just for him .”

Commenters gushed over the “romantique” clip and declared the pup cuter than Mr. Darcy. “Preferable. It’s the short legs for me,” said @tiffany_booktok.

“So much better! Darcy was always gonna have issues,” said @debsmahoney.

It’s Mr. Darcy walking through a Costco

A video of @char.takes.shots’ husband bringing her a hot dog at Costco under the text, “Not Mr. Darcy but,” accumulated 720 thousand views since it was shared on August 11, 2025. The clip reveals her husband weaving through a crowded Costco dining area, hot dog in hand, along with the caption, “Not Mr. Darcy, but my husband walking through Costco to bring me my $1.50 hot dog.”

@char.takes.shots Fitzwilliam can keep his £10,000 a year #costco #mrdarcy #husbandandwife @Costco Wholesale ♬ original sound – Author Naomi Rawlings – Timeless Love Stories

One commenter replaced Darcy with the TikTok creator’s husband in a still from Pride and Prejudice. Another rendered Darcy holding a hot dog in the same still. @char.takes.shots replied, “Framing this in my home .”

“My favorite trend”

In a recent example of the trend, @nottooshabbybyjess wrote, “Not Mr. Darcy trend is my favorite trend!” The post from September 10, 2025, included a clip of her husband riding his mower up a lush, sprawling lawn under a blue sky full of perfect Simpsons clouds. The video’s onscreen text read, “Not Mr. Darcy but my husband riding his mower up to see me because he didn’t feel like walking.”

@nottooshabbybyjess Not Mr. Darcy trend is my favorite trend! #mrdarcy #prideandprejudice #trending #fyp ♬ Marianelli: Liz On Top Of The World – From “Pride & Prejudice” Soundtrack – Jean-Yves Thibaudet

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