With fall coming back around, Gilmore Girls is resurfacing, as fans turn back to the beloved Stars Hollow and all the cozy vibes Lorelai (Lauren Graham) and Rory’s (Alexis Bledel) story offers. While there are many parts of the series to enjoy, it also comes with longstanding debates, like which of Rory’s boyfriends is the best, or when she stopped being the innocent girl introduced at the beginning of the series. There is no denying that the bookish high schooler underwent a dramatic transformation in the show’s seven seasons, with many fans arguing that by the end of Gilmore Girls, the character had been ruined. However, of all Rory’s low moments, her messiest era happens in Season 4, Episode 22, “Raincoats and Recipes,” when Rory sleeps with Dean (Jared Padalecki).

The crux of the issue isn’t getting back with her ex, regardless of how one feels about Dean, but the fact that Dean is married to another woman when Rory decides to take this step. While it is easy to be frustrated with the character because of this twist, there are many layers going into her actions, as Gilmore Girls fan Ingrid Jennison points out on Instagram. Neither Rory nor Dean has any excuses, but the choice, at least on Rory’s end, is a combination of many factors and not simply a selfish desire to stake a claim on her ex-boyfriend.

‘Gilmore Girls’ Season 4 Sees Rory in a Romantic Dry Spell

Image via The WB/The CW

Though sleeping with her married ex-boyfriend is unquestionably a mistake, Season 4 shows the events that drive Rory to that point. Throughout Season 4, Rory is in a relationship drought, which is abnormal for her. Throughout the first three seasons, she consistently has a boyfriend, and often another romantic interest fighting for her attention. Between Dean, Tristan (Chad Michael Murray), and Jess (Milo Ventimiglia), there was always someone to make her feel desired, but at Yale, that is not the case.

In Season 4, Rory is rejected by the guy she asks out in the laundry room, has not one, but two terrible dates, and her roommates all point out that she hasn’t had a boyfriend in a while. As ill-advised as it is, Dean is the only one who seems interested in her at the moment, and Rory seeks comfort in that. It’s not only them sleeping together, but she calls him to rescue her when she’s stuck on an awkward date in the previous episode. Dean is there for her, and while she shouldn’t encourage him, she is desperate for that kind of affection.

When it comes to Rory’s romantic life at this point in the show, it’s impossible to ignore Jess’ impact. Jess leaves near the end of Season 3, skipping town and breaking Rory’s heart, but even while Rory struggles to get over him, Jess isn’t really gone. He reappears a few times, once in Stars Hollow, where he tells Rory that he still loves her, and, just one episode before she sleeps with Dean, he shows up at Yale, asking her to leave with him. The scene, which happens just after Dean rescues her from her uncomfortable date, is reminiscent of their earlier rivalry, and so, when she wants to prove that she is over Jess, getting back with Dean seems like a natural way to do so, while simultaneously hurting the boy who broke her heart. By rejecting Jess and choosing Dean, in many ways, Rory is returning to the past and making a different choice, but it’s too late. Rory’s relationship failures in Season 4 certainly impact her choice to reunite with Dean, but it does nothing to justify sleeping with a married man.

Rory Hits a Personal Low in ‘Gilmore Girls’ Season 4

Rory’s love life isn’t the only personal low point she reaches in Season 4, as life at Yale is not what she anticipates. Rory has been working toward an Ivy League education her entire life, but when she finally gets there, she struggles, which isn’t what she expected. Her top grades have always been part of Rory’s identity, but in college, they don’t come so easily, and she’s asked to drop a class. She even struggles at the Yale Daily News, which is why she writes such a cruel piece on the ballet, prioritizing her goals over general decorum. All of these events work together to destroy Rory’s confidence and sense of self-worth, which would set up any young adult to make a terrible decision.

The entire season proves that Rory is not as well-equipped to leave the comfort of Stars Hollow as she believed, making her past that much more appealing. Yes, what Rory does is selfish, and this is just one of many examples of such behavior throughout the show. However, it’s a realistic turn for her. It’s also important to realize that her self-interest isn’t vindictive, but an indication of where she is emotionally. By the end of Season 4, Rory has hit a low in her confidence, at least for that point in her life, which is why she seeks comfort in someone from her past (regressing to her prime), and Dean is far too willing to offer her that.

‘Gilmore Girls’ Doesn’t Give Rory Good Influences

Image via Warner Bros. 

While Rory is responsible for her own choice, she is constantly following in Lorelai’s footsteps, and her mother hasn’t set a good example for her. The mother and daughter are close enough that Rory is all too aware of Lorelai’s relationships, especially when it comes to Christopher (David Sutcliffe). By constantly returning to her high school relationship, Lorelai has normalized the idea of regression for Rory. But it goes much deeper than that, because Lorelai has been known to go back to Chris, even when he is dating someone else. In Season 2, they almost reunite before Chris chooses to stay with his pregnant girlfriend, Sherry (Mädchen Amick), and Rory is furious with him. Lorelai may not blame Chris for the choice, but Rory does, as does Emily (Kelly Bishop), who also has a major influence on Rory’s worldview. In that instance, Rory believes Lorelai is an innocent party, and later, she follows a similar pattern.

Then there’s Paris (Liza Weil), who, in Season 4, cheats on her first boyfriend with a professor, reinforcing to Rory that this is normal behavior. Rory and Paris are constantly in competition, so if Paris can be involved in a similar situation, what’s the harm for Rory? Though Rory wants no part of Paris’ situation, she watches what happens and sees her friend facing no major consequences, suggesting that it isn’t such a big deal. This warped perception is reinforced by Dean’s insistence that it’s over between him and Lindsay (Arielle Kebbel), which he hasn’t expressed to his wife. What is going on in Rory’s life, and her less-than-perfect influences do not make her sleeping with Dean okay, but it is realistic. Rory is a flawed character, and many elements work together to lead her down this path, making her messy decision not as sudden as it may seem.

Release Date

2000 – 2007-00-00

Network

The WB

Article created by: Justinas Keturka

Imagine meeting a person that catches your eye – someone whose presence is impossible to ignore, only for them to say or do something that is a total turn off.

Chances are, quite a few people have been in such a situation, or at the very least have given thought to what they consider a turn off, as they came up with plenty of examples when asked about them online. A number of netizens shared their opinions in a thread started by one member of the ‘Ask Reddit’ community, who wanted to know what things women do that men consider to be turn offs.

If you’re curious, too, you can find their two cents on the list below, where you will also find Bored Panda’s interviews with clinical psychologist, author, and mental health advocate Dr. Monica Vermani and relationship intelligence expert Railey Molinario, who were kind enough to answer a few of our questions about the role turnoffs play regarding romantic relationships.

You know that moment when the butterflies in your stomach start to fade, and suddenly you’re wondering where all that initial magic went? Maybe you’re sitting across from your partner at dinner, and instead of hanging on their every word, you’re noticing how they chew. Sound familiar?

The honeymoon phase has become a widely accepted narrative of relationships—that initial period where everything feels perfect and passionate love flows effortlessly. But what if this relationship stage is actually doing more harm than good?

What Is the Honeymoon Phase?

Origins and Definitions

Historically, the honeymoon referred to a period after the wedding when newlyweds withdrew from social life — sometimes traveling, but often just spending private time together.

The concept of the honeymoon phase originated from observing the intense emotions that mark the beginning of most romantic relationships. Relationship researchers define it as that early period—lasting anywhere from weeks, months to even a year or two- when couples experience heightened attraction, frequent physical affection, and what feels like perfect compatibility.

It has been called “limerence” (coined by Dorothy Tennov in 1979), the first stage of love. She characterized it by physical symptoms (flushing, trembling, palpitations), excitement, intrusive thinking, obsession, fantasy, sexual excitement, and the fear of rejection.

The cascade of hormones and neurotransmitters that your body produces including oxytocin and phenyleteylamine, a natural form of amphetamine result in a natural high. The elevated levels of dopamine can cause a feeling of euphoria along with poor judgement and impulse control issues.  

Common Characteristics of the Honeymoon Period

Most couples in this phase report feeling like they’ve found “the one”. Conflict seems nonexistent. Sex feels incredible. The future looks bright and uncomplicated.

The problem? This intense phase of love creates a baseline that’s virtually impossible to maintain.

Is the Honeymoon Phase a Myth or Reality?

Scientific Research and Relationship Studies

Research at the Gottman Institute shows that while the neurochemical rush of early love is very real, but it isn’t what determines the strength of a long-term relationship. In fact, many couples who thrive for decades together report never experiencing a stereotypical ‘honeymoon phase’ at all. What predicts lasting connection isn’t how the relationship starts, but how partners build friendship, manage conflict, and create shared meaning over time.

Dr. Helen Fisher’s brain imaging studies show that passionate love activates the same reward circuits as cocaine addiction. The high is intense but temporary. The intensity of the initial phase is not what matters for long-term relationship success, but rather how couples navigate the transition to committed love.

Long-term studies of couples show that starting out with the most intense ‘honeymoon’ feelings does not necessarily predict lasting happiness. In fact, couples who rely only on passion often struggle later, because they haven’t built the skills to manage everyday challenges like conflict, stress, and change. What sustains relationships over time isn’t the intensity of the beginning, but the ability to turn toward each other, communicate effectively, and build a strong foundation of friendship.

Cultural and Media Influence on Romantic Expectations

Think about every romantic movie you’ve ever seen. The couple meets, sparks fly, obstacles arise, and they live happily ever after. What you don’t see is the Tuesday night three years later when they’re arguing about whose turn it is to take out the trash.

Our culture has mythologized the honeymoon stage to the point where many people believe it’s the “real” version of love. When that intensity naturally wanes, couples often panic, thinking something is fundamentally wrong.

Social media makes this worse. We see curated snapshots of other people’s relationships— anniversary posts, vacation photos, romantic gestures—without seeing the ordinary moments or challenges that make up most real love and relationships.

Psychological Perspectives on Early Relationship Euphoria

From an evolutionary psychology standpoint, the honeymoon phase served an important purpose: it bonded pairs long enough to reproduce and protect offspring. But modern relationships need to last much longer than our ancestors’ did.

The intensity of early romantic feelings can actually interfere with getting to know your partner as they really are. When you’re seeing someone through rose-colored glasses, you’re not noticing their actual flaws, communication patterns, or how they handle stress.

Attachment theory helps explain why some people crave this intensity more than others. Those with anxious attachment styles often mistake the anxiety of uncertainty for passion, while those with avoidant styles might find the intensity overwhelming.

Why Believing in the Honeymoon Phase Can Be Harmful

Perpetuating Unrealistic Relationship Expectations

This is the dangerous myth of the honeymoon phase: that intense, early feelings represent “true” love, and anything less means you’re settling.

Here’s the truth: sustainable love looks different from the initial honeymoon period. It’s quieter but deeper. It’s choosing your partner on ordinary Tuesday mornings, not just when your heart is racing.

When we expect relationships to maintain that early intensity, we set ourselves up for disappointment. Real love involves seeing your partner’s actual flaws and choosing them anyway. It’s built on trust, shared values, and weathering life’s inevitable storms together.

Emotional Crash After the Phase Ends

The post-honeymoon phase can feel devastating if you believe the myth. Couples often describe feeling like they’ve “fallen out of love” when really, they’re just transitioning to a different kind of connection.

This transition often occurs somewhere between six months and two years, though it varies widely across couples. As dopamine activity in the brain’s reward circuits returns to baseline, the haze of early infatuation fades — and traits that once seemed charming may start to feel irritating. 

Many couples panic at this point. They might:

• Question their compatibility
• Start looking for that “spark” elsewhere
• Break up prematurely
• Settle into resentful coexistence

But this transition doesn’t mean the end of the relationship— it’s actually an opportunity to build something deeper.

What Comes After the Honeymoon Phase?

Transitioning to Committed Love

Committed love isn’t about maintaining that initial high. It’s about building a partnership that can handle real life. This means:

• Seeing each other clearly, flaws and all
• Developing conflict resolution skills
• Creating shared meaning and goals
• Supporting each other through difficult times

This stage might feel less exciting than the honeymoon phase, but it’s actually more stable and satisfying in the long run.

Common Challenges Couples Face

These challenges aren’t signs that your relationship is failing—they’re normal parts of building a life together. The couples who thrive are those who develop skills to navigate these stages after the initial excitement.

How to Sustain Love and Connection Long-Term

Real, lasting connection isn’t about maintaining the honeymoon phase. It’s about intentionally building intimacy over time. Here’s what actually works:

Turn toward each other daily. Notice your partner’s small bids for attention and respond positively. When they point out a cute dog on the street, look. When they share a work frustration, listen.

Build trust through small actions. Keep your word and follow through consistently. If you say you’ll be home for dinner, be home for dinner. Trust is built in the little things, and each action tells your partner they matter.

Create rituals of connection. This might be coffee together every morning, a weekly walk, or a daily check-in about your day. Small, consistent rituals matter more than grand gestures.

Embrace the ordinary. The honeymoon phase is all about extraordinary moments. Committed love finds beauty in folding laundry together and comfortable silences.

Debunking the Myth and Expert Insights

Relationships That Defy the Phase

Not every successful relationship starts with fireworks. Some couples begin as friends first. Others are just comfortable with each other from the beginning. They don’t begin with crazy passion but a solid friendship that led to them loving one another. This solid foundation is actually part of what builds a successful long term relationship and then allows you to deepen your connection over time.

How Some Couples Keep the Spark Alive

The couples who maintain connection over decades don’t do it by preserving the honeymoon phase—they do it by developing their connection and commitment to one another. There are small ways to create novelty and fun in a relationship. The spark is created together by choosing one another over and over again.

These couples are open to emotional connection. They are vulnerable to their partners, and accept their partner’s emotions without judgment. They stay open and responsive to each other even during difficult times. This creates a different kind of intimacy than the honeymoon phase- a deeply fulfilling emotional intimacy. 

Attachment Styles and Their Influence

Our early attachment experiences strongly influence how we approach romantic love. People with secure attachment tend to move more smoothly from passionate love into the steadier rhythms of companionate love.

Those with anxious attachment may find themselves chasing the intensity of the honeymoon phase, mistaking nervous energy for passion. When the spark cools, they may end relationships without realizing they are on the verge of a deeper stage of connection.

By contrast, those with avoidant attachment might flip the script—believing that the absence of heightened emotions signals a “healthier” bond, when in reality it can reflect a tendency to sidestep emotional closeness.

How to Build a Relationship That Lasts

Communication and Conflict 

During the honeymoon phase many couples avoid conflict entirely. But sustainable relationships need healthy conflict skills. This means:

Learning to complain without criticism. Instead of “You never help around the house,” try “I feel overwhelmed by the housework and would love your help.”

Taking breaks when emotions run high. If you notice yourself or your partner getting defensive, take a 20-minute break to calm down.

Looking for the underlying need. Behind every complaint is a need for connection, understanding, or support. Try to address the need, not just the surface issue.

Accepting influence from each other. Be willing to change your mind and let your partner influence your decisions.

Shared Values and Long-Term Compatibility

The honeymoon phase focuses on chemistry and attraction. But lasting relationships need deeper compatibility around:

• Life goals and priorities
• Communication styles
• Conflict resolution approaches
• Values around family, money, and career
• Spiritual or philosophical beliefs

This doesn’t mean you need to agree on everything. But you need enough common ground to build a shared life together.

The honeymoon phase can mask incompatibilities that become apparent later. Building a lasting relationship means honestly assessing both surface and deep compatibility.

Conclusion: Is the Honeymoon Phase a Useful Concept?

The honeymoon phase isn’t inherently harmful, but treating it as the defining feature of love is.

While many relationships begin with intensity and passion, not all successful ones do. And for the ones that do, those feelings typically change over time. But this evolution is a natural progression, an opportunity to create something deeper and more meaningful.

The idea of the honeymoon phase suggests that love is something that happens to you—a feeling you fall into and hopefully maintain. But real love is something you create together, day by day, choice by choice.

Every relationship has stages. The honeymoon phase] might be the most talked about, but it’s not necessarily the most important. The quiet moments of choosing each other, the gentle care during illness, the trust built through thousands of small actions—these create love that lasts.

Achieving success as a professional is something that most people can do but how much effort are you putting into being a great partner? When it comes to relationships what are you like with the basics such as communication, love and trust? Are there any aspects of a relationship that you tend to neglect? Knowing these 5 basic essentials about attachment styles will help you master any romantic relationship.

If you’re anything like me, you’ll be eager to uncover any little morsel of information that will help you to identify why relationships haven’t worked in the past. Once you have that knowledge and you can apply it, you’ll probably start to understand relationship dynamics more effectively and you can tackle any issues that arise in your relationship a bit more effectively.

 Why is it worth knowing about attachment styles?

I improved every relationship in my life once I understood the four attachment styles and how they relate to each other. So, the good thing is that the tips and facts that you’ll learn will help you with any close relationships you might experience and not just the ones you have with romantic partners (or potential ones)!

Have you ever noticed that you are dating the same kind of person over and over again? Knowing which category, you fit into is a good thing because it can be a big indication of how successful you are in new relationships and what you might need to work on. Our attachment style describes the patterns and trends we have shown when we connect with new people and form relationships. Although Psychologists say that the pattern setting takes place during childhood, like most things it can be worked on and improved.

What types of attachment styles are there? 

• Secure Attachment – This is the most common form of attachment with 62% of the population fitting into this category. As the name suggests, it’s the most stable form and it basically means that love and trust come easily to a person. For a romantic relationship, this would mean that there’s little fear of abandonment or the fear of what will happen if someone gets close to you.

• Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment – This category is built on the anxiety a person has to make a connection with another person. We’ve all seen those relationships where someone needs to be reassured and clings to an idea of safety but all it does is drive a wedge between them and the other person. That’s what an anxiously attached individual does.

• Avoidant Attachment – It’s not pleasant to be on the receiving end of this attachment style. There are two subgroups of this one – “dismissive” and “fearful”. While dismissive people are likely to focus on their independence, the fearful type is often overwhelmed by their attachment anxiety and can be unpredictable to be around.

• Fearful-Avoidant Attachment – Only between 1-5% of the population fits into this category. Someone is fearful avoidant is either scared of getting close to and connecting with someone or they overanalyse the depth of the relationship constantly.  They are unpredictable and get overwhelmed easily. These partners are known for smothering their partner at one minute and then disappearing for a day or two without any explanation.

How can you apply these attachment models to your new relationships? 

You might think that you’ve got enough to be worrying about when you start a new relationship. Navigating the pitfalls of dating can be tricky enough but looking at someone else’s attachment style can help you form a better relationship with them. At the very least, you’ll start to understand more about why people respond as they do to your attention. Maybe you’ll even learn something about yourself and help someone else to understand it. You should be able to work out other people’s attachment style using the descriptions and you can use it be more understanding about their needs by showing empathy and making sure your conversations allow any potential issues to be discussed. 

How do I work out if I’m any good at relationships?

Check out the summary below, select your profile and then check which traits in the secure attachment that you lack. Try to incorporate specific behaviours from this category into your everyday life, make sure your partner knows what specific trait you are working on so that they can support you.

 Secure attachment profile:

• Self-sufficient
• Comfortable with intimacy
• Wants an interdependent relationship
• “I’m okay you’re okay” are the basis of most thoughts
• Find it easy to form new relationships
• Less doubt about equality in a relationship

You are not doomed to your attachment style. Awareness is the first (and most important) step. What are your patterns? Do you tend to pull away or smother? Being honest with yourself and your partner is crucial. Second, it’s important to treat your relationship as a foundation and develop it as a secure base. Researchers say people who change their attachment style are forming an “earned secure attachment.” To do this you’ll need to look at your past dating patterns which was written one of our Dating Experts Ariadna Peretz.

 What is the background to attachment styles & healthy relationships 

To give you a bit of background, the model of attachment was analysed by Dr Phillip Shaver and Dr Cindy Hazan in 1987 and they identified three styles of attachment that apply to the whole population. If you’re interested in the background and want to delve deeper, you can have a read of the journal article here, but these are the basics that you need to know:

Watch this video clip by The School of Life to find out why relationships between fearful avoidant and anxious preoccupied partners have fiery relationships https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9EgUvfgojY

Enhance your love life by keeping passion and commitment in your romantic relationship instead of draining your emotional resources by following these tips.

1. Being Independent Is a Good Thing

 There’s a difference between spending lots of quality time with someone and being in a co-dependent relationship. Co-dependency is unhealthy, often leading to one-sided, destructive relationships, but it’s more common than you think. Just remember that you’re a valuable person in your own right with your own job, skills, friends and interests. Two independent people can enjoy a fulfilling relationship without straying into co-dependency – keep your own life and friends yet still enjoy your time together. It sounds so simple but we speak to so many singles who ended up so entangled in their previous relationships that after a few years they realised that they don’t see their friends very much and family time doesn’t exist. Mix things up so that you spend time together with different friendship groups whilst booking in quality time your partner.

2. Understand Your Partner’s Personality

We all have a unique personality and that brings with it pros and cons that you have to understand if you want a healthy relationship. Taking the time to see the good in every situation and remembering that we are all imperfect not only proves you’re committed to the relationship in the short-term, but it also shows that you’re committed for the long-term. So, be honest and accept your partner’s personality flaws. After that, don’t pander to them, but understanding why they act the way they do and maybe you can help each other grow.

3. Learn to Appreciate the Little Things

A healthy relationship isn’t based on grand gestures. Sure, you don’t want to miss celebrating valentine’s day, birthdays and anniversaries, but a healthy relationship shouldn’t only be celebrated on the big occasions – appreciating the everyday occurrences will make every day special. As time goes by, it’s seemingly easier to focus on the things that get on your nerves rather than the things you love about your partner. Yet once you remember to start appreciating the morning cup of coffee or how you both sing along to the same tune on the radio, your relationship will feel healthier.

4. Don’t Neglect Date Night

At the beginning of a relationship, every meeting is date night. You go out somewhere special and you spend quality time together, but that seems to trail off as you get stuck into routines that are all about fulfilling duties and paying bills without leaving you any time for your relationship. Combat this by ensuring you set aside at least one night per month for date night. Throw some rules into the mix if it helps – no talking about work or bills or family issues. It can be as simple as a meal and a trip to the cinema, but just make it about you and your partner rather than anything else.

5. Let Your Hair Down

One mark of a healthy relationship is that you have fun together – and not just in the physical sense. Play board games or video games together, set cooking challenges or gardening challenges. You know your partner and the things you like doing together, so harness that knowledge to make your relationship healthier in the long term. As an added bonus, you’ll have some fun in the short term too.

The success of a romantic relationship  is proportional to the effort each person puts in. If you don’t invest in your relationship you can’t expect it to be amazing.

A lot of people like to say that love should be effortless and shouldn’t take work. Yeah, those people are probably single. Love, in all its manifestations, takes effort and work. And, the closer you are and the more you depend on each other, the more effort you put in. 

Putting The Effort In

The relationship between two romantic partners is as good as the effort either person puts in. I like to say, “You gotta put it in to get it out.” If you don’t invest in your relationship you can’t expect to have an amazing relationship. All things being equal, each person should contribute the same amount of effort because frankly, a one-way relationship is no relationship at all.

A few years ago, the author Mandy Len Catron melted our hearts when she told us how she and her boyfriend fell in love. Mandy and her friend ask themselves these 36 questions and stared into each other’s eyes for four minutes. This was a very novel idea because most people don’t take a systematic approach to getting to know a potential mate but there are many benefits in being systematic.

Now, fast forward a few years and Catron has written another piece that is different because she and her partner are in love and living together but similar because they’re still taking a systematic approach.

Drafting A Document

So here’s the deal: They have a relationship contract. It’s “a four-page, single-spaced document that we sign and date, will last for exactly 12 months, after which we have the option to revise and renew it, as we’ve done twice before. The contract spells out everything from sex to chores to finances to our expectations for the future.”

Does that sound lame? Rigid? Perhaps old fashioned?

I think it’s quite modern. In the past, heterosexual relationships were pretty binary. If you were a woman you knew what your remit was and the same for a man. With increasing fluidity in gender roles, relationships can often drag from the weight of discussions surrounding who does the dishes or takes out the trash. 

So why not do what Ms. Catron and her boyfriend do: Hash things out once a year?

Be A Clear Communicator

She says being “intentional about love” has suited them well. I think being intentional can suit everyone well. Life isn’t just a random set of fleeting moments. It has its serendipitous moments, yes, but a lot of planning goes into it. You don’t throw your money into any old investment. You do your research, invest with someone you trust and periodically check in on how the investment is growing. You don’t say yes to whatever job comes your way. You think about your career trajectory and then look for a job that moves you toward your goals. If you want to grow a garden you don’t throw seeds onto the grass in a haphazard fashion and hope for the best. You plan your garden to maximise the natural elements and you tend to it regularly so it grows the way you want it to. So why wouldn’t you take the time and effort to understand the dynamics of your relationship and have a sit-down with your Significant Other to figure out what’s the best way to make your relationship the best?

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Additional Resources…

If you don’t want to take it from me or Ms. Catron, why not take it from Adam Grant? He’s a professor at Wharton Business School, author of Give and Take: Why Helping Others Drives Our Success (amazing book, BTW), and he co-wrote a book with Shery Sandberg (COO of Facebook) called Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy, which is about resilience in the face of tragedy. He’s also a husband and dad, and co-wrote (with his wife, Allison Sweet Grant) an article called Is Swapping Date Night for Meeting Night the Secret to a Happy Marriage?

As you probably realise from the title, he and his wife now have a weekly Meeting Night where they go over the details that may have slipped through the cracks. They write, “Taking the time to schedule a regular, quiet, uninterrupted discussion to figure out who was doing what helped ease anxiety about household tasks and eliminated loose ends.”

They go on:

“These meetings are not just about getting stuff done. Relationships are constantly falling out of balance — you get overwhelmed because your partner isn’t pitching in enough. But he (or she) doesn’t realise it. When psychologists put couples in separate rooms and ask them to estimate how much they each contribute to their relationship, three out of four couples add up to more than 100 percent. It sounds like ego, but it’s really about information. You just know more about your own efforts than your partner’s. You were there when you took out the garbage, went grocery shopping, and helped your kids with their homework. Your partner was none the wiser. The cycle of resentment builds.”

Did you read the entire quote? I hope so but if you didn’t please look at the last sentence: The cycle of resentment builds. This is why the marriage/relationship contract is so brilliant. It stymies the cycle from even starting.

Hopefully, Ms. Catron will update her article with a relationship contract template. If not, we would be happy to draft something up for you.