A self is a personal mythos — a story through which we sieve the complexity and condradictions of lived experience for coherence. The cruelest price of success — that affirmation of the self by the world — is the way it can ossifty the story of person, ensnare them into believing their own myth. In this regard, learning to live with your success can be as challenging as learning to live with your failure — both are continual acts of courage and resistance to the petrification of personhood into a selfing story, a refusal to measure your soul by the world’s estimation.

Rockwell Kent (June 21, 1882–March 13, 1971) labored at his singular paintings and prints in solitude, in penury, in obscurity for decades. When the New York art world declared him an overnight success, largely thanks to his transcendent account of nine months on a remote Alaskan island, he left the city and moved to a quiet farmstead uptate, then left the continent, returning to the austere solitudes of the Arctic to paint, write, and reflect on the meaning of it all. In a lovely passage from N by E (public library) — his altogether exquisite 1930 memoir of the year he spent in the far north, rife with wisdom on how to be more alive — he models that courage, recounting a thrift store encounter that stands as a scale model of the disorientation of success.

Fifteen years earlier, living in Newfoundland during WWI, Kent had adorned his doorway with a statue of a maiden he had found “weatherbeaten and neglected in the rubbish heap of a ship store,” which he had washed, sanded, painted, and bejeweled to restore her haunting beauty. When the time came for him to return to New York, he yearned to take her home, but could not afford the fees:

I offered what I could for her. But I was poor and it was little. So I left her there.

A decade passed. The gallery world awoke to the shimmering originality of his paintings and Kent became one of New York’s most celebrated artists. One day, he wandered into a thift store and there was his maiden, “hardly changed” — a ghost of the life that had changed so profoundly, yet in that moment Kent realized how hard he must fight to keep it from changing him, from turning him into a statue of himself. He recounts:

Out from among rare cabinets and chairs and clocks and porcelains, the frayed and mellowed chattels of decayed gentility, she stared — that sailor’s sweetheart — vacantly, as if the room, the city and the world were part of the wide sea and firmament that she was born to. And as I turned and ran to her, and sweet memories and almost love crowded and clamored in my brain and breast, as I reached out to touch her as I used to — suddenly I dared not. And I knew what changes time and affluence had wrought. And I reproached myself.

“Where did you find her?” I asked the salesman in a whisper.

“In Boston,” he whispered back.

So then — not even asking what her city price might be — I tiptoed out.

Couple this modern koan, which releases more and more nuances of wisdom the more you turn it over on the tongue of the mind, with Arundhati Roy on the deepest measure of success, then revisit Kent on wilderness, solitude, and creativity.

Let’s start off here with a simple question:

Why do we always take things personally?

There are admittedly quite a few valid reasons to consider. But the one Marc and I have found to be most common through 15 years of working with our coaching clients and live event attendees is the tendency we all have of putting ourselves at the center, and seeing everything — every event, conversation, circumstance, etc. — from the viewpoint of how it relates to us on a personal level. And this can have all kinds of adverse effects, from feeling hurt when other people are rude, to feeling sorry for ourselves when things don’t go exactly as planned, to doubting ourselves when we aren’t perfect.

Of course, we are not really at the center of everything. That’s not how the universe works. It just sometimes seems that way to us. Let’s consider a few everyday examples…

First, imagine someone storms into the room in a really bad mood, huffing and puffing, and addresses us in a rude way. Immediately we think to ourselves, “What’s going on here? I don’t deserve to be treated like this! They should know better!” And we’re left feeling offended and kinda angry. But the truth is the other person’s behavior has very little to do with us. They got mad at something outside the room, and now they’re reactively venting their frustrations in front of us. We just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. This reality doesn’t justify their behavior, but it needs to be consciously acknowledged so we don’t waste too much of our energy positioning ourselves at the center of the situation and taking everything personally.

Now, let’s assume for a moment that a person’s actions actually do seem to relate to us directly — we inadvertently did something that annoyed them, and so they’re reacting very rudely to us. A situation like this might seem personal, but is it really? Is the magnitude of this person’s rude reaction all about us and the one thing we did to trigger them? No, probably not. It’s mostly just a statement about this person’s reactions, snap-judgments, longer-term anger issues, and expectations of the universe. Again, we’re just a smaller piece of a much larger story.

And likewise, when someone else rejects us, ignores us, doesn’t call us when they said they would, doesn’t show they care, or flat out disrespects us… these reactions have much less to do with us than they have to do with the other person’s history of personal issues. We can learn to acknowledge their issues and set healthy boundaries without taking their words to heart.

But again, because we see everything through a lens of how it personally relates to us — a lens that often does a poor job of seeing the bigger picture — we tend to react to everyone else’s actions and words as if they’re a personal judgment or attack. Thus, other people’s anger makes us angry, other people’s lack of respect makes us feel unworthy, other people’s unhappiness makes us unhappy, etc.

If you’re nodding your head to any of this, it’s time to start gracefully deflecting the senseless negativity around you. When you sense negativity coming at you, give it a small push back with a thought like, “That remark (or gesture) is not really about me, it’s about you (or the world at large).” Remember that all people have emotional issues they’re dealing with, and sometimes it makes them rude, rambunctious, and downright disrespectful. They’re doing the best they can, or they’re not even aware of their issues. In any case, you can learn not to interpret their behaviors as personal attacks, and instead see them as non-personal encounters (like a dog barking in the distance, or a bumblebee buzzing by) that you can either respond to gracefully, or not respond to at all.

Of course, this doesn’t come naturally — NOT taking things personally is a daily practice…

It’s time for some “Notes to Self.”

Like you, I’m only human and I still take things way too personally sometimes when I’m in the heat of the moment. So I’ve implemented a simple strategy to support the practice of watching my response. In a nutshell, I proactively remind myself to not take things too personally. Anytime I catch myself doing so, I pause and read a couple of the “notes to self” listed below. Then I take a deep breath…

If you’d like to practice along with me, I recommend copying a few of these notes, tweaking them as you see fit, storing them in an easily accessible location (like saving them to your phone), and then reading them whenever you catch yourself taking things too personally. (Note: For the sake of not being tediously redundant, I only wrote “Note to Self” as a precursor on the first note below.)

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

Some thoughts on addressing offensive people.

When someone insists on foisting their hostility and drama on you, just keep practicing — reading your “notes to self” and setting a good example. Do your best to respect their pain and focus on compassion. Communicate and express yourself from a place of peace, from a place of wholeness, with the best intentions.

With that said, sometimes handling offensive people directly is necessary! As mentioned earlier, Marc and I have worked with hundreds of live event attendees and coaching clients over the past 15 years who have struggled through this very predicament. And we gradually guided them through several useful strategies that work wonders. I want to briefly review a few of these strategies with you here, in hopes that you find value in them too…

1. Take positive control of negative conversations.

It’s okay to change the topic, talk about something positive, or steer conversations away from pity parties, drama, and self-absorbed sagas. Be willing to disagree with difficult people and deal with the consequences. Some people really don’t recognize their own difficult tendencies or their inconsiderate behavior. You can actually tell a person, “I feel like you ignore me until you need something.” You can also be honest if their overly negative attitude is what’s driving you away: “I’m trying to focus on positive things. What’s something good we can talk about?” It may work and it may not, but your honesty will help ensure that any communication that continues forward is built on mutually beneficial ground.

2. Proactively establish healthy and reasonable boundaries.

Practice becoming aware of your feelings and needs. Note the times and circumstances when you’re resentful of fulfilling someone else’s needs. Gradually build boundaries by saying no to gratuitous requests that cause resentfulness in you. Of course, this will be hard at first because it may feel a bit selfish. But if you’ve ever flown on a plane, you know that flight attendants instruct passengers to put on their own oxygen masks before tending to others, even their own children. Why? Because you cannot help others if you’re incapacitated. In the long run, proactively establishing and enforcing healthy and reasonable boundaries with difficult people will be one of the most charitable things you can do for yourself and those you care about. These boundaries will foster and preserve the best of you, so you can share the best of yourself with the people who matter most, not just the difficult ones who try to keep you tied up.

3. Make extra space for yourself.

Difficult people who wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions are obviously hard to handle. They want others to join their 24/7 pity party so they can feel better about themselves. And you may feel pressured to listen to their complaints simply because you don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a compassionate ear and getting sucked into their emotional drama. If you are forced to live or work with a difficult person, then make sure you get enough alone time to relax, rest, and recuperate. Having to play the role of a rational adult in the face of relentless moodiness can be exhausting, and if you’re not careful, their negative attitude can infect you. So remember that even people with legitimate problems and conditions can still comprehend that you have needs as well, which means you can politely excuse yourself when you need to. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the Self-Love chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

4. Let them know that you, respectfully, do not care.

This one is essentially a last resort. If you’ve tried your best to communicate respectfully with a difficult person, or to gracefully distance yourself from them, but they insist on following you around and attacking you for whatever reason, it’s time to speak up and tell them that their words are meaningless. In such situations, I challenge you to make this your lifelong motto: “I respectfully do not care.” Say it to anyone who relentlessly passes public judgment on something you strongly believe in or something that makes you who you are.

5. If their offensive behavior becomes physical, it’s a legal matter that must be addressed.

If you’ve survived the wrath of a physical abuser, and you tried to reconcile things… if you forgave, and you struggled, and even if the expression of your grief had you succumb to outbursts of toxic anger… if you spent years hanging on to the notions of trust and faith, even after you knew in your heart that those beautiful intangibles upon which love is built would never be returned… and especially if you stood up as the barrier between an abuser and someone else, and took the brunt of the abuse in their place – you are a hero! But now it’s time to be the hero of your present and future. Enough is enough! If someone is physically abusive, they are breaking the law and they need to deal with the consequences of their actions.

And obviously, this is just one short essay that doesn’t cover every possible scenario.

Most of the time, though, it’s just a matter of reading your “notes to self” and giving yourself some extra breathing room.

Now it’s your turn…

Before you go, we would love to hear from YOU.

Which “note to self” above resonates with you the most today and why?

Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

To be a true person is to be entirely oneself in every circumstance, with all the courage and vulnerability this requires. And yet because a person is a confederacy of parts often at odds and sometimes at war with each other, being true is not a pledge to be a paragon of cohesion, predictable and perfectly self-consistent — the impossibility of that is the price of our complex consciousness — but a promise to own every part of yourself, even those that challenge your preferred self-image and falsify the story you tell yourself about who you are.

There is a peace that comes from this, solid as bedrock and soft as owl down, which renders life truer and therefore more alive. Such authenticity of aliveness, such fidelity to the tessellated wholeness of your personhood, may be the crux of what we call “the good life.”

That is what the pioneering psychologist Carl R. Rogers (January 8, 1902–February 4, 1987) explores in a chapter of his 1961 classic On Becoming a Person (public library), anchored in his insistence that “the basic nature of the human being, when functioning freely, is constructive and trustworthy” — a bold defiance of the religious model of original sin and a cornerstone of the entire field of humanistic psychology that Rogers pioneered, lush with insight into the essence of personal growth and creativity.

Drawing on a lifetime of working with patients — the work of guiding people along the trajectory from suffering to flourishing — he writes:

The good life… is the process of movement in a direction which the human organism selects when it is inwardly free to move in any direction, and the general qualities of this selected direction appear to have a certain universality.

He identifies three pillars of this process:

In the first place, the process seems to involve an increasing openness to experience… the polar opposite of defensiveness. Defensiveness [is] the organism’s response to experiences which are perceived or anticipated as threatening, as incongruent with the individual’s existing picture of himself, or of himself in relationship to the world. These threatening experiences are temporarily rendered harmless by being distorted in awareness, or being denied to awareness. I quite literally cannot see, with accuracy, those experiences, feelings, reactions in myself which are significantly at variance with the picture of myself which I already possess.

The necessary illusions Oliver Sacks wrote of are a form of that defensiveness — they help us bear the disillusionments difficult to bear: that we are invulnerable, immortal, congruent with our self-image — and yet they render us captives of the dream of ourselves, unfree to live the reality of our own complexity. Rogers writes:

If a person could be fully open to his experience, however, every stimulus — whether originating within the organism or in the environment — would be freely relayed through the nervous system without being distorted by any defensive mechanism. There would be no need of the mechanism of “subception” whereby the organism is forewarned of any experience threatening to the self. On the contrary, whether the stimulus was the impact of a configuration of form, color, or sound in the environment on the sensory nerves, or a memory trace from the past, or a visceral sensation of fear or pleasure or disgust, the person would be “living” it, would have it completely available to awareness.

The reward of this willingness to be fully aware is profound self-trust:

The individual is becoming more able to listen to himself, to experience what is going on within himself. He is more open to his feelings of fear and discouragement and pain. He is also more open to his feelings of courage, and tenderness, and awe. He is free to live his feelings subjectively, as they exist in him, and also free to be aware of these feelings. He is more able fully to live the experiences of his organism rather than shutting them out of awareness.

Out of this “movement away from the pole of defensiveness toward the pole of openness to experience” arises the second element of the good life: “an increasing tendency to live fully in each moment” and discover the nature of experience in the process of living the experience rather than in your predictive models, which are only ever based on the past. When you are fully open to your experience, Rogers observes, each moment is entirely new — a “complex configuration of inner and outer stimuli” that has never before existed and will never again exist in that exact form, which means that who you will be in the next moment will also be entirely new and cannot be predicted by you or anyone else — that lovely freedom of breaking the template of yourself and the prison of your story. Rogers writes:

One way of expressing the fluidity which is present in such existential living is to say that the self and personality emerge from experience, rather than experience being translated or twisted to fit preconceived self-structure. It means that one becomes a participant in and an observer of the ongoing process of organismic experience, rather than being in control of it.

Such living in the moment means an absence of rigidity, of tight organization, of the imposition of structure on experience. It means instead a maximum of adaptability, a discovery of structure in experience, a flowing, changing organization of self and personality.

[…]

Most of us, on the other hand, bring a preformed structure and evaluation to our experience and never relinquish it, but cram and twist the experience to fit our preconceptions, annoyed at the fluid qualities which make it so unruly in fitting our carefully constructed pigeonholes.

By discovering experience in the process of living it, we arrive at the third element of the good life — a growing ability to trust ourselves to discover the right course of action in any situation. Most of us, Rogers observes, consciously or unconsciously rely on external guiding principles in navigating life — a code of conduct laid down by our culture, our parents, our peers, our own past choices. He writes:

The person who is fully open to his experience would have access to all of the available data in the situation, on which to base his behavior; the social demands, his own complex and possibly conflicting needs, his memories of similar situations, his perception of the uniqueness of this situation, etc., etc. The data would be very complex indeed. But he could permit his total organism, his consciousness participating, to consider each stimulus, need, and demand, its relative intensity and importance, and out of this complex weighing and balancing, discover that course of action which would come closest to satisfying all his needs in the situation.

What makes this process most vulnerable to error is our continual tendency to lens the present through the past:

The defects which in most of us make this process untrustworthy are the inclusion of information which does not belong to this present situation, or the exclusion of information which does. It is when memories and previous learnings are fed into the computations as if they were this reality, and not memories and learnings, that erroneous behavioral answers arise.

Rogers paints a portrait of the person who has braided these three strands of the good life:

The person who is psychologically free… is more able to live fully in and with each and all of his feelings and reactions. He makes increasing use of all his organic equipment to sense, as accurately as possible, the existential situation within and without. He makes use of all of the information his nervous system can thus supply, using it in awareness, but recognizing that his total organism may be, and often is, wiser than his awareness. He is more able to permit his total organism to function freely in all its complexity in selecting, from the multitude of possibilities, that behavior which in this moment of time will be most generally and genuinely satisfying. He is able to put more trust in his organism in this functioning, not because it is infallible, but because he can be fully open to the consequences of each of his actions and correct them if they prove to be less than satisfying.

He is more able to experience all of his feelings, and is less afraid of any of his feelings; he is his own sifter of evidence, and is more open to evidence from all sources; he is completely engaged in the process of being and becoming himself.

On Becoming a Person is a revelatory read in its entirety. Complement this fragment with E.E. Cummings, writing from a wholly different yet complementary perspective, on the courage to be yourself and Fernando Pessoa on unselfing into who you really are.

You can’t calm the storm. What you can do is calm yourself, and the storm will gradually pass. So do your best to breathe when negativity surrounds you today. Let calmness be your superpower. The ability to not overreact or take things too personally keeps your mind clear and your heart at peace, which ultimately gives you the upper hand.

Also, remind yourself that people are hard to be around when they believe everything happening around them is a direct assault on them, or is in some way all about them. Don’t fall into this trap. What people say and do is much more about them, than you. People’s reactions to you are about their perspectives, wounds, and experiences. Whether people think you’re amazing or believe you’re the worst, again, is more about the storms they are going through and how they view the world.

Now I’m not suggesting we should be self-indulged narcissists and ignore all the opinions and commentary we receive from others. I’m simply saying that incredible amounts of hurt, disappointment, and sadness in our lives come directly from our tendency to take things too personally. In most cases it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of other people’s good or bad opinions of you, and to operate with your own intuition and wisdom as your guide.

The underlying key is to…

Mindfully watch your response.

When something stressful happens in a social situation, what’s your response?

Some people jump right into action, but oftentimes taking immediate action can be harmful. Others get angry or sad. And some start to feel sorry for themselves — perhaps victimized — and left thinking: “Why can’t people behave better?” Although enforcing your boundaries is important, on an average day hasty responses are rarely healthy or helpful.

The bottom line is you’re not alone if you struggle with taking things personally too quickly. We all make this mistake sometimes. If someone does something we disagree with, we tend to interpret it as a personal attack…

• Our children don’t clean their rooms? They are purposely defying us!
• Our significant other doesn’t show affection? They must not care about us!
• Our boss acts inconsiderately? They must hate us!
• Someone hurts us? Everyone must be out to get us!

Some people even think life itself is personally against them. But the truth is, almost nothing in life is personal — things happen or they don’t, and it’s rarely all about anyone specifically…

People have emotional issues they’re dealing with, and it makes them defiant, rude, and thoughtless sometimes. They are doing the best they can, or they’re not even aware of their issues. In any case, you can learn not to interpret their behaviors as personal attacks, and instead see them as non-personal encounters (like a dog barking in the distance, or a bumblebee buzzing by) that you can either respond to with a calm mindset, or not respond to at all.

Quotes can help remind us.

Like you I’m only human of course, and so I often take things too personally when I’m in the heat of the moment. To combat this, I’ve implemented a simple strategy to support the practice of watching my response. In a nutshell, I proactively remind myself to not take things too personally. Anytime I catch myself doing so, I pause and read a few of the following quotes to myself. Then I take a few deep breaths…

1. You may not be able to control all the things people say and do to you, but you can decide not to be continuously distracted by them today.
2. You can’t take things too personally, even if it seems personal. Rarely do people do things because of you; they do things because of them.
3. Calmness is a superpower. The ability to not overreact or take things too personally keeps your mind clear and at peace, which gives you the upper hand by putting you back in control of your response.
4. There’s a huge amount of freedom and calmness that comes to you when you detach from other people’s beliefs and behaviors. The way people treat you is their problem, how you respond is yours. (Note: The strongest sign of your growth is knowing you’re no longer stressed by the trivial things that once used to drain you.)
5. Being kind to someone you dislike doesn’t mean you’re fake. It means you’re mature enough to control your emotions. So be kind, and remind yourself that people are generally nicer when they are happier, which says a whole lot about the people you meet who aren’t very nice to you.
6. All the hardest and coldest people you meet were once as soft as a baby, and that’s the tragedy of living. So when people are rude, be mindful, be your best. Give those around you the break that you hope the world will give you on your own bad day.
7. Life is too short to argue and fight. Count your blessings, value those who truly matter, and move on from the drama with your head held high.

But what about dealing with very rude people?

Some of the points above potentially require a willingness to cordially deal with people who yell at us, interrupt us, cut us off in traffic, talk about terribly distasteful things, etc. These people violate the way we think people should behave. Sometimes their behavior deeply offends us, and we have every right to feel what we feel. But if we let these people get to us, again and again, we will be upset and offended far too often.

So what else can we do beyond calming ourselves with the quotes and reminders above?

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution, but here are three general strategies Angel and I often recommend to our coaching clients and live event attendees:

1. Be bigger, think bigger.

Imagine a two-year-old who doesn’t get what she wants at the moment. She throws a temper tantrum! This small momentary problem is enormous in her little mind because she lacks perspective on the situation. But as adults, we know better. We realize that there are dozens of other things this two-year-old could do to be happier. Sure, that’s easy for us to say — we have a bigger perspective, right? But when someone offends us, we suddenly have a little perspective again — this small momentary offense seems enormous and it makes us want to scream! We throw the equivalent of a two-year-old’s temper tantrum. However, if we think bigger we can see that this small thing matters very little in the grand scheme of things. It’s not worth our energy. So always remind yourself to be bigger, think bigger, and broaden your perspective.

2. Mentally hug them.

This little trick can positively change the way we see people who offend us. Let’s say someone has just said something unpleasant to us. How dare they! Who do they think they are? They have no consideration for our feelings! But of course, with a heated reaction like this, we’re not having any consideration for their feelings either — they may be suffering inside in unimaginable ways. By remembering this, we can try to show them empathy, and realize that their behavior is likely driven by some kind of inner pain. They are being unpleasant as a coping mechanism for their pain. And so, mentally, we can give them a hug. We can have compassion for this broken person, because we all have been broken and in pain at some point too. We’re the same in many ways. Sometimes we need a hug, some extra compassion, and a little unexpected love.

3. Proactively establish healthy and reasonable boundaries.

Practice becoming more aware of your feelings and needs. Note the times and circumstances when you’re resentful of fulfilling someone else’s needs. Gradually build boundaries by saying no to gratuitous requests that cause resentfulness in you. Of course, this will be hard at first because it may feel a bit selfish. But if you’ve ever flown on a plane, you know that flight attendants instruct passengers to put on their own oxygen masks before tending to others, even their own children. Why? Because you cannot help others if you’re incapacitated. In the long run, proactively establishing and enforcing healthy and reasonable boundaries with difficult people will be one of the most charitable things you can do for yourself and those you care about. These boundaries will foster and preserve the best of you, so you can share the best of yourself with the people who matter most, not just the difficult ones who try to keep you tied up.

Try one of these strategies next time you begin to notice that someone is getting under your skin. And re-read the quotes above too. Then breathe in serenity, armed with the comforting knowledge that there’s no reason to let someone else’s behavior turn you into someone you aren’t. (Note: Angel and I discuss this further in the Relationships chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

Now it’s your turn…

Before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Which one of the points above resonated the most today?

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

In this episode of A Productive Conversation, I sit down with Michael Timms—TEDx speaker, leadership consultant, and author of How Leaders Can Inspire Accountability. This conversation is a part of our ongoing exploration into the habits that drive not just productivity, but the kind of leadership that inspires lasting impact.

Michael unpacks how accountability is often misunderstood and misused—weaponized as blame rather than cultivated as ownership. We explore what it means to truly support people to be accountable, the distinction between leadership and management, and the systems thinking leaders must embrace to avoid finger-pointing and foster real results.

---

Six Discussion Points

• Why “holding people accountable” is the wrong approach—and what to say instead
• The critical distinction between leadership and management
• How self-awareness and humility form the foundation of great leadership
• What journaling, feedback, and asking for advice all have in common
• The three habits of inspiring accountability—and why they work in harmony
• Systems thinking: how leaders can engineer solutions that prevent future issues

Three Connection Points

This conversation with Michael was a powerful reminder that the best leaders don’t point fingers—they build frameworks. If you’re looking to lead with more clarity, humility, and purpose, I highly recommend picking up his book and watching his TEDx talk. True accountability isn’t about control—it’s about connection.

Want to support the podcast? You can subscribe to the show and leave quick rating and review wherever you listen to podcasts. You can subscribe on Spotify and also on Apple Podcasts.

---

One of the most important questions you can ask yourself isn’t “How do I find the right person?” but rather “How do I become the person I need to be to find the right relationship?” Relationship readiness isn’t just about being single for a certain amount of time—it’s about developing the emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and communication skills that create the foundation for lasting love. These are qualities and skills that you prepare you to be in a healthy relationship.

Dr. John Gottman’s 50 years of research with thousands of couples reveals a powerful truth: the healthiest relationships aren’t built by perfect people, but by individuals who’ve done the work to understand themselves and relate to others with intention and skill. Partners who have sound emotional regulation and clear personal values are more likely to maintain relationship satisfaction.

So how do you prepare yourself for the kind of partnership that doesn’t just survive, but truly thrives? The answer lies in becoming someone who can love generously while maintaining your own sense of self.

Why Preparation is the Secret to a Thriving Partnership

Many people approach dating like shopping—looking for someone who checks all their boxes. But healthy relationships work differently. As Dr. Julie Gottman explains, “The most successful couples aren’t those who never fight, but those who’ve learned to fight well because they understand themselves and each other deeply.”

When you invest time in understanding your own emotional patterns, communication style, and relationship needs, you create space for genuine intimacy rather than projection or codependency. Research consistently shows that individuals with high self-awareness in relationships are better equipped to navigate conflict, express needs clearly, and maintain their individual identity within a partnership.

Preparing yourself for a healthy relationship isn’t about becoming perfect—it’s about becoming whole. Let’s explore the essential steps that will position you for the kind of love that enhances rather than completes your life.

Part 1: The Foundation – Building a Relationship with Yourself First

1. Become Radically Self-Aware

Self-awareness is the cornerstone of every healthy relationship. Before you can truly know and love another person, you need to understand your own emotional landscape, triggers, and patterns.

Start by paying attention to your emotional responses throughout the day. When do you feel most secure? What situations make you anxious or defensive? Being able to identify and name your emotions (“I’m feeling overwhelmed and need some space” rather than “I’m fine”) allows you to  prevent small issues from escalating into major conflicts in a relationship.

Practice the “emotional check-in” technique: Set three random alarms throughout your day. When they go off, pause and ask yourself: “What am I feeling right now? What triggered this emotion? What do I need in this moment?” This simple practice builds the emotional vocabulary and self awareness skills that become invaluable in relationships.

Consider keeping a brief journal noting patterns in your moods, energy levels, and reactions. Over time, you’ll begin to see themes that help you understand your authentic needs and preferences—information that’s crucial for setting boundaries in relationships later.

2. Learn to Enjoy Being Alone

If you can’t be happy alone, you’ll likely struggle to be happy in a relationship. This doesn’t mean you need to love solitude all the time, but you should feel comfortable and content in your own presence without needing constant external validation or distraction.

Engage in activities and develop interests that bring you genuine satisfaction independent of anyone else’s participation. Maybe it’s painting, hiking, reading, cooking elaborate meals for yourself, or learning a new language. The specific activity matters less than your ability to find fulfillment without relying on a partner to provide entertainment or meaning.

Dr. Gottman’s research on successful couples shows that partners who maintain individual interests and can self-soothe during stress are better equipped to support each other without becoming emotionally dependent. Individual fulfillment strengthens relationship resilience.

3. Unpack and Process Your Emotional Baggage

Everyone enters relationships carrying experiences from their past—both positive and negative. Relationship readiness requires honest examination of how your family of origin, past relationships, and significant life experiences shape your current relationship patterns.

Consider working with a therapist to explore questions like: 

• How did your parents handle conflict? 
• What did love look like in your childhood home? 
• What relationship patterns do you find yourself repeating? 

Pay particular attention to your attachment style. There are four main attachment styles- secure, insecure-anxious, insecure-avoidant, and disorganized. Notice that three of the four styles require some work to be done. Don’t judge your attachment style, but understand and take responsibility for it. Then you can work on the aspects of it that do not lend themselves to healthy relationships. This is key to preparing yourself to be in a healthy relationship.

4. Identify Your Core Values and Non-Negotiables

Healthy relationships require two people who know what they stand for. Your core values—the principles that guide your decisions and define what matters most to you—should be clear before you enter a serious partnership.

Spend time reflecting on questions like: What does integrity look like in your daily life? How important is financial security versus adventure? Do you value family traditions, or do you prefer creating new ones? What role does spirituality or personal growth play in your life? How do you want to contribute to your community?

Write down your top five core values and give specific examples of how each shows up in your life. Then identify your genuine non-negotiables—not a long list of superficial preferences, but the 3-4 fundamental compatibility areas that you know from experience are essential for your wellbeing and happiness. Some examples are having children, living in a certain geographical area, or practicing a certain religion.

Part 2: How to Prepare Yourself for a Healthy Relationship by Mastering Key Skills

5. Develop Healthy Communication Habits

Communication is the key for all healthy relationships. Many of us may not have learned these skills growing up. Luckily with a little bit of guidance and practice you can develop healthy and effective communication that goes beyond just intimate relationships. You can use them with friends, family, and colleagues as well.

Practice using “I” statements instead of “you” accusations. Instead of “You never listen to me,” try “I feel unheard when I’m interrupted during conversations.” This simple shift, which Dr. Gottman calls a Gentle Start-up, can prevent conversations from escalating into destructive patterns.

Learn to ask open-ended questions that invite deeper sharing. “How was your day?” can become “What was the best part of your day, and what felt most challenging?” Practice genuine curiosity about other people’s experiences and perspectives.

Equally important is learning to express appreciation specifically and regularly. Regular appreciation builds emotional connection. Instead of generic “thank you,” practice noticing and acknowledging specific actions and qualities: “I really appreciated how you listened without trying to fix anything when I was stressed about work.”

Master the art of repair attempts—the small gestures that interrupt negative cycles during conflict. These might be humor (“We’re really good at getting worked up, aren’t we?”), affection (“Come here, I love you even when we disagree”), or direct acknowledgment (“I’m getting defensive. Can we take a break and try again?”).

6. Practice Setting and Respecting Boundaries

Boundaries aren’t walls—they’re bridges to intimacy. Setting boundaries in relationships is essential for maintaining your sense of self while creating space for genuine connection with others.

Start practicing boundary-setting in your current relationships. This might mean saying no to plans when you need rest, asking friends not to discuss certain topics, or limiting how much emotional labor you provide to people who don’t reciprocate. Notice what feels difficult about boundary-setting—many people struggle with guilt, fear of conflict, or worry about being rejected.

Equally important is learning to respect others’ boundaries without taking them personally. When someone says “I need some space” or “I’m not comfortable discussing that,” practice responding with acceptance rather than argument or hurt feelings.

Healthy boundaries include emotional boundaries (not taking responsibility for others’ feelings), physical boundaries (comfort with touch and personal space), time boundaries (protecting your schedule and priorities), and communication boundaries (what topics and tones feel acceptable to you).

7. Learn Healthy Conflict Management

Conflict is inevitable in any close relationship—it’s how you handle disagreements that determines relationship health. Dr. Gottman’s research shows that successful couples don’t fight less; they fight better.

Practice staying calm during disagreements by recognizing your early warning signs of flooding—rapid heartbeat, feeling overwhelmed, or the urge to either attack or withdraw. When you notice these signs, take a 20-minute break to self-soothe before continuing the conversation.

Learn to focus on specific behaviors rather than character attacks. “I felt hurt when you interrupted me during the meeting” is much more productive than “You’re so rude and inconsiderate.” This distinction—between complaint and criticism—is one of The Four Horsemen patterns that predict relationship failure.

Develop skills for productive problem-solving: clearly state the issue, listen to understand the other person’s perspective, brainstorm solutions together, and agree on next steps. Practice these skills in low-stakes situations with friends or family so they become natural during high-emotion romantic conflicts.

Most importantly, learn to repair after conflicts. Taking responsibility for your part of the argument, offering genuine apology, or expressing appreciation for your partner’s effort are more important than avoiding conflict altogether.

8. Get Your Finances in Order

Financial stress is one of the leading causes of relationship conflict, and entering a partnership from a position of financial stability (or at least clarity) reduces unnecessary pressure on the relationship.

This doesn’t mean you need to be wealthy, but you should understand your relationship with money, have a basic budget, and know your financial goals and concerns. Can you support yourself independently? Do you have a plan for debt reduction? What are your spending triggers, and how do you make financial decisions?

Be honest about your financial habits and history. Many people bring shame about money into relationships, which prevents the open communication necessary for making good joint financial decisions. Practice talking about money—your values around spending and saving, your financial goals, and your concerns—with trusted friends or family members.

Part 3: Defining Your Future – What Do You Actually Want?

9. Define What a ‘Healthy Relationship’ Looks Like to You

You can’t create what you can’t envision. Many people focus on what they don’t want in relationships (no cheating, no yelling, no lying) without clearly defining what they do want to create together.

Think beyond surface-level preferences to deeper questions: What does daily life look like in a healthy partnership? How do you want to handle disagreements? What role do you want individual friendships and interests to play? How do you envision growing together over time?

Consider the Sound Relationship House framework: What would friendship and fondness look like in your ideal relationship? How would you turn toward each other during stress? What shared meaning and purpose would you create together?

Write a detailed vision of your ideal relationship dynamic—not the perfect person, but the kind of partnership you want to co-create. This will serve as your guide to recognizing compatibility and making relationship decisions as you prepare yourself for a healthy relationship.

10. Understand How You Like to Express and Receive Love

This is not about finding someone whose style matches yours. However, it is important to know what types of gestures make you feel loved. Is it words, gifts, doing chores for you, physical touch, doing activities with you? And just as important is knowing this about your partner. Once you know, you can incorporate this into your daily routines, part of the ‘small things often’ motto that is a hallmark of successful relationships.

It is another opportunity to connect and deepen your connection with a partner to learn about them and be vulnerable. You are able to articulate your needs clearly without expecting your partner to guess and then feeling disappointed when they guess ‘wrong’.

11. Learn to Recognize Red Flags (and Green Flags)

Relationship readiness includes developing good judgment about compatibility and character. Red flags include criticism (attacking character rather than addressing behavior), contempt (superiority, sarcasm, or name-calling), defensiveness (refusing responsibility and counter-attacking), and stonewalling (shutting down or withdrawing from interaction). These patterns, when persistent, are strong predictors of relationship failure.

Green flags include taking responsibility during conflict, expressing appreciation regularly, showing genuine interest in your thoughts and feelings, respecting your boundaries, and demonstrating emotional regulation during stress.

Pay attention to how potential partners treat service workers, handle disappointment, talk about ex-partners, and respond when you express needs or concerns. These early interactions reveal character and emotional maturity more clearly than romantic gestures or chemistry.

Trust your instincts. If something feels off—even if you can’t articulate why—take time to understand that feeling before dismissing it.

12. Nurture Your Life Outside of a Relationship (Friends, Hobbies, Passions)

Healthy relationships enhance rather than replace a fulfilling individual life. The most attractive and relationship-ready people have rich, interesting lives that they’re excited to share with someone rather than empty lives they need someone to fill.

Invest in friendships, pursue interests that challenge and excite you, maintain connections with family, and engage in activities that contribute to something larger than yourself. Individual fulfillment prevents codependency patterns and gives you perspective and support that no single romantic relationship can provide.

Develop your own sense of purpose and meaning independent of romantic love. What impact do you want to have on the world? What brings you joy and energy? How do you want to grow and challenge yourself? Having this strong sense of self not only makes you a more interesting partner but also prepares you for a healthy relationship.

This doesn’t mean being so independent that you don’t need anyone—healthy relationships require interdependence. But entering a partnership from a place of fullness rather than emptiness creates space for genuine love rather than neediness.

Are You Ready? A Final Check-In

How to prepare for a relationship isn’t about checking every box perfectly—it’s about building the self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and life foundation that allow love to flourish rather than simply survive.

Ask yourself honestly:

• Can I be happy on my own while also genuinely desiring partnership?
• Do I understand my emotional patterns and triggers well enough to take responsibility for them?
• Can I communicate my needs clearly and respect others’ boundaries?
• Do I have a vision of healthy love that goes beyond just “not being hurt”?
• Am I excited to share my life with someone rather than needing someone to complete me?

If you can answer yes to most of these questions, you’re well-prepared for the kind of relationship that enhances both partners’ lives. If some areas need more work, that’s perfectly normal—personal growth is a lifelong process, and awareness is the first step toward positive change.

The couples who thrive long-term aren’t those who never struggle, but those who approach their relationship with intention, skill, and commitment to growing together. By doing your own inner work first, you’re setting the stage for exactly that kind of love.

The right relationship will feel like coming home to yourself, not losing yourself in someone else. When you’ve built a strong foundation within yourself, you’ll be ready to build something beautiful with the right partner.

 

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

How do I know if I’m emotionally ready for a relationship?

Emotional readiness isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being self-aware and responsible for your emotional responses. You’re likely emotionally ready when you can identify and communicate your feelings clearly, self-soothe during stress without relying on others to manage your emotions, and maintain your sense of self while also being genuinely interested in someone else’s inner world.

Key indicators include: comfortable spending time alone, ability to set and respect boundaries, taking responsibility for your mistakes without excessive shame or defensiveness, and having healthy coping strategies for stress and disappointment.

How long should I be single before my next relationship?

There’s no magic timeline—readiness is about emotional and psychological preparation, not calendar time. Some people need years to process a difficult breakup and rebuild their sense of self, while others might be ready for new love relatively quickly if they’ve done their inner work.

Focus on these questions instead: Have you processed the lessons from your last relationship? Are you entering dating from excitement about sharing your life rather than fear of being alone? Can you identify what you want in a partner based on values and compatibility rather than just reacting against what didn’t work before?

Dr. Gottman’s research suggests that the most important factor isn’t time alone, but developing the emotional intelligence and relationship skills that create lasting connection.

What does it mean to love yourself before loving someone else?

Self-love isn’t about thinking you’re perfect—it’s about treating yourself with the same kindness and respect you’d want from a partner. This means setting healthy boundaries, making choices that align with your values, practicing self-compassion during difficult times, and taking responsibility for your own happiness and growth.

Self-compassion enables genuine love for others. When you can accept your own imperfections with kindness, you’re much more likely to extend that same grace to a partner. When you take responsibility for meeting your own emotional needs, you can love someone from choice rather than desperation.

Self-love also means believing you deserve healthy love and being willing to walk away from relationships that compromise your wellbeing. It’s the foundation that allows you to choose partners based on genuine compatibility rather than settling for whoever shows interest.

“Happiness turned to me and said, ‘It is time. It is time to forgive yourself for all of the things you did not become… Above all else, it is time to believe, with reckless abandon, that you are worthy of me, for I have been waiting for years.” ~Bianca Sparacino

I didn’t know who I was.

That realization hit me like a punch to the chest after I ended a decade-long relationship and canceled my wedding six weeks before it was supposed to happen.

I remember standing in my kitchen one morning, staring at the floor, and thinking, I have no idea what kind of music I actually like.

That might sound small, but it was the beginning of everything unraveling.

Because when you don’t know what kind of music you like… you probably don’t know what your values are. Or your opinions. Or your boundaries. Or your identity.

And in my case, I didn’t.

My identity had been shaped entirely by other people. I had become an expert in sensing what people wanted me to be—and then being it.

I did it with romantic partners, with friends, with coworkers. It was like I had this superpower: I could walk into a room, assess the energy, and morph myself into whoever I thought would be the most likable version of me in that context.

Great for my acting career. Not so great for real life.

When the relationship ended and I finally found myself alone, I didn’t just feel lost. I felt hollow. I didn’t have a self to come home to. And the loneliness? It was unbearable.

I entered what I now call my “summer of sadness.”

At the time, I called it freedom. I drank more than usual. Partied more than usual. I told myself I was finally living. But behind all of it was a deep, silent ache. A confusion. An emotional fog that wouldn’t lift.

Eventually, the fog turned into something darker: I spiraled into a rock-bottom moment I never saw coming. It was like my soul said, Enough.

And somewhere in that mess, I grabbed a pen.

I didn’t know what else to do. I had so much swirling inside me, and nothing made sense. So I sat down with my journal and wrote two lists.

List One: Who I Am

This list was hard to write. It wasn’t self-love-y or positive. It was honest.

I wrote things like:

• I’m anxious and overthinking constantly.
• I say yes when I want to say no.
• I try to be what I think others want me to be.
• I interrupt people when they are speaking because I want to feel relatable.
• I feel guilty all the time, and I don’t know why.
• I don’t trust myself.

There was no sugarcoating. No judgment either. Just observation.

I looked at the page and thought, Okay. This is where I’m at.

Then I flipped the page.

List Two: Who I Want to Be

This list felt different. Not dreamy or abstract, but clear.

I wrote things like:

• I want to be grounded and calm.
• I want to be kind, patient, and generous.
• I want to listen more than I speak.
• I want to say no without guilt.
• I want to show up more in love and less in fear.
• I want to move through the world not feeling like I always need to prove myself.

Reading them back, I could feel how wildly different those two versions of me were—not just in how I showed up for the world, but in how I treated myself.

One list was full of fear, defensiveness, and guilt. The other was rooted in confidence, calm, and choice.

It wasn’t about becoming a brand-new person. It was about becoming more me—the version of me that had been buried under layers of people-pleasing, perfectionism, and performance for years.

You can’t become who you want to be if you’re not honest about who you are right now. That’s exactly what those two lists gave me—an unfiltered look at both sides of the mirror.

As I looked at both lists side by side, I didn’t feel shame. I felt clarity.

The gap between them wasn’t a flaw. It was a direction.

And I had a choice to make. Keep going as I was—or finally do the work to change.

Not just for a month. Not just until I felt better. But for real this time.

The kind of change that’s uncomfortable. The kind that reworks your patterns, rewires your reflexes,
and asks you to let go of everything that no longer fits.

That moment became the foundation of my healing journey.

Awareness First, Then Change

Let me be clear: I didn’t wake up the next day and magically become that second list.

What I did was start noticing. I’d walk away from conversations and think, Ah… I interrupted people a lot again. I tried to be funny instead of real. I said yes when I meant no.

At first, that awareness was frustrating. I wanted to be further along. But eventually, I realized the win is in noticing.

What helped me most in this part of the process was journaling.

I began tracking my thoughts, my actions—even entire conversations. I’d ask myself: Was I present today? Or was I in my head? Did I try to prove something? Where did that pattern show up?

Sometimes I’d set one small focus, like “interrupt less,” and observe that for weeks. I started noticing who I felt the need to impress, when I lost presence, and what kind of people triggered those old habits. I wasn’t trying to fix it all at once—I was learning myself in real time. That awareness, day by day, became the bridge.

That’s the starting point for every real shift.

Over time, those small moments of noticing turned into different choices. I started speaking up. Setting boundaries. Sitting with my emotions instead of numbing them. Choosing presence over performance.

And little by little, I began becoming the person on the second list.

Not perfectly. Not quickly. But honestly.

What I Learned from Writing Two Lists

1. Change starts with radical honesty. You can’t grow if you’re not willing to name where you are.

2. Self-awareness is a skill, not a switch. It builds slowly. Be patient.

3. You don’t need to know the whole path. Just the direction is enough.

4. The goal isn’t perfection. It’s alignment. It’s feeling proud of who you are becoming.

If you’re in a season of unraveling, I see you. It’s disorienting. It’s uncomfortable. But it might also be the doorway to everything real.

So grab a pen. Write your lists.

Not to shame yourself, but to meet yourself.

That moment of truth might just be the moment that changes everything.

You don’t have to write your lists perfectly. You don’t even have to know what to do with them right away. Just be honest. Start where you are. Let clarity come before change—and let that be enough for now.

About Sara Mitich

Sara Mitich helps people reconnect with themselves and move through life’s challenges with more clarity, peace, and self-trust. As the founder of Gratitude & Growth, she shares insights on mindfulness, mindset, and emotional resilience. Explore more at www.gratitudegrowth.com.

See a typo or inaccuracy? Please contact us so we can fix it!

There’s a big difference between empty fatigue and gratifying exhaustion. Life is too short not to focus more on what matters most.

Before you know it you will be asking, “How did it get so late so soon?” Perhaps you can already relate. So take time to reflect. Take time to realize what you want and need in the days and weeks ahead. Take time to take calculated risks. Take time to love, laugh, learn, cry, and forgive. Life is so much shorter than it often seems.

In our line of work we speak with people on a weekly basis who have been forced to ‘wake up’ to life’s fleeting nature. Consider these two small excerpts from people’s stories that we recently received in our email inbox (both are being shared with permission):

• “Earlier today, in what’s likely to be one of our final conversations, she told me her only regret was that she didn’t appreciate every year with the same passion and purpose that she has had in the last two years after she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. ‘I’ve accomplished so much recently,’ she said. ‘If I had only known, I would have started sooner.’”
• “This afternoon I was looking through an old Windows laptop that my dad used ten years ago before he died in a car accident. The laptop has been sitting around collecting dust at my mom’s house ever since. In a folder named ‘Video Project’ oddly placed at the root of the C: drive, I found a video file my dad made about a month before he died that my mom and I had never seen before. In the 15-minute video my dad talks about my mom and me, how grateful he is to be a part of our lives, and that he has no regrets at all about anything in his life — that he is totally at peace. He ended by saying, ‘I know you two might miss me someday since I’m the oldest, but please smile for me, because I’ve lived well…’”

These people’s stories are both inspiring and heartbreaking at the same time. And yet, they are incredibly common stories. Wake-up calls to life being short eventually ring true in every one of our lives, sometimes much sooner than we had expected. Which is precisely why Marc and I try to remind people to stop waiting. Now is the time to start learning, growing, and moving forward — so at the very least, you can rest free of regrets someday like the dad in the second story.

Remember, too many people wait all day for 5pm, all week for Friday, all year for the next holiday, all their lives for happiness… And YOU don’t have to be one of them! Don’t wait until your life is almost over to realize how good it has been, or how much potential you had literally every step of the way. It’s time to wake up and make the best of what’s right in front of you today.

Here are ten quick wake-up calls you need to receive, before it’s too late:

1. This moment is your real life.

Your real life is not between the moments of your birth and death. Your real life is between now and your next breath. The present — the here and now — is all the life you ever truly get. So practice living each moment in full, in kindness and peace, without fear or regret. And just do the best you can with what you have in this moment, because that’s all you can ever expect of anyone, including yourself. (Read “The Power of Now”.)

2. A lifetime isn’t very long.

Eighty years isn’t guaranteed. Many people get far less. Again, today is your life and you’ve got to fight for it! Fight for what’s right. Fight for what you believe in. Fight for what’s important to you. Fight for the people you love, and never forget to tell them how much they mean to you. Realize that right now you’re lucky because you still have a chance. So stop for a moment and think. Whatever you still need to do, start doing it today — take the next step. There are only so many tomorrows.

3. The sacrifices you make today will pay dividends in the future.

When it comes to working hard to achieve a dream — earning a degree, building a business, or any other personal achievement that takes time and commitment — one thing you have to ask yourself is: “Am I willing to live a few years of my life like many people won’t, so I can spend the better part of my life like many people can’t?” Let that sink in. May your dreams be bigger than your fears. May your actions speak louder than words. May your life preach louder than your lips… and may success be your noise in the end.

4. When you procrastinate you become a victim to yesterday.

Yes, procrastination holds you back. But when you are proactive and productive, it’s as if yesterday is a kind friend that helps take a load off your back. So do something right now that your future self will thank you for. Trust me, tomorrow you’ll be happy you started today. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the Success chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

5. Failures are often good lessons.

Good things come to those who still hope even though they’ve been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they’ve tasted failure, to those who still love even though they’ve been hurt. So give yourself grace, and grow from the situations that didn’t work out. Remind yourself that you can disappoint people and still be good enough. You can fail and still be smart, capable and talented. You can let people down and still be worthwhile and deserving of love and admiration. We all make mistakes sometimes. Take a deep breath. You are allowed to be human, and learn the way on the way.

6. You are your most valuable relationship.

Sometimes we try to show the world we are flawless in hopes that we will be liked and accepted by everyone, but we can’t please everyone and we shouldn’t try. The beauty of us lies in our vulnerability, our complex emotions, and our authentic imperfections. When we embrace who we are and decide to be authentic, instead of who we think others want us to be, we open ourselves up to real relationships, real opportunities, and real success. So nurture the relationship you have with yourself today. You are GOOD enough, SMART enough, FINE enough, and STRONG enough. You don’t need other people to validate you; you are already VALUABLE.

7. A person’s actions speak the truth.

You’re going to come across people in your life who say all the right words at all the right times, but in the end it’s their actions you should judge them by. So pay attention to what people do consistently. Their daily actions will tell you almost everything you need to know. And remember that today is too important to waste. Take good care of your personal boundaries and what you allow yourself to absorb from others. Count your blessings, value the people who truly matter — the ones whose actions match their words — and move on from the drama with your head held high.

8. Small acts of kindness can make the world a better place.

Just keep reminding yourself that everyone you see around you is a human being who dreams of something, fears something, loves someone, and has lost someone. And… just keep being kind. Kindness is the only investment that never fails in the long run. And wherever there is a human being, there’s an opportunity for kindness. Learn to give, even if it’s just a smile, not because you have too much, but because you understand there are so many others who feel like they have nothing at all.

9. Behind every beautiful life there has been some kind of worthwhile struggle.

You trip and you fall, you make mistakes and you fail, but you stand strong through it all — you live and you learn. You’re human, not perfect. You been wounded, not defeated. Think of what a priceless gift it is to grow through these experiences — to breathe, to think, to struggle, and to overcome challenges in the pursuit of the things you love. Yes, sometimes you will encounter heartache along the way, but that’s a small price to pay for immeasurable moments of love and joy. Which is why you must keep stepping forward even when it hurts, because you know the inner strength that has carried you this far can carry you the rest of the way.

10. Time and experience heals pain, and it can’t be rushed.

Recently, when Marc and I asked his 82-year-old dad about overcoming pain, this is how he explained it to us: Look at the circles below. The black circles represent our relative life experiences. Mine is larger because I am older and have experienced more in my lifetime. The smaller red circles represent a negative event in our lives. Assume we both experienced the same exact event, whatever the nature. Notice that the negative event circles are the same size for each of us; but also notice what percentage of the area they occupy in each of the black circles. Your negative event seems much larger to you because it is a greater percentage of your total life experiences. I am not diminishing the importance of this event; I simply have a different perspective on it. What you need to understand is that an overwhelmingly painful event in your life right now will one day be part of your much larger past and not nearly as significant as it seems.

Now it’s your turn…

Yes, it’s your turn to make the best of what’s in front of you! So I hope you will have an inspired day today, that you will dream boldly and dangerously, that you will make some progress that didn’t exist before you took action, that you will love and be loved in return, and that you will find the strength to accept and grow from the troubles you can’t change. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and wisdom in this world), that you will, when you must, be wise with your decisions, and that you will always be extra kind to yourself and others.

And please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this post. Your feedback is important to us. 

(Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.)

Some of life’s greatest truths and lessons are the hardest to accept, and yet we must. Because they ultimately allow us to navigate the inevitable obstacles and challenges we can’t avoid. So it’s time to remind yourself…

1. Everyone and everything in life is limited.

You can never read all the books you want to read. You can never train yourself in all the skill sets you want to have. You can never be all the things you want to be and live all the lives you want to live. You can never spend all the time you want with the people you love. You can never feel every possible temperature, tone, and variation of emotion in a given situation. You are incredibly limited, just like everyone else.

In the game of life, we all receive a unique set of unexpected limitations and variables in the field of play. The question is: How will you respond to the hand you’ve been dealt? You can either focus on the lack thereof, or empower yourself to play the game sensibly and resourcefully — making the very best of every outcome as it arises, even when it’s hard to accept.

In the end, what matters most is to focus on what matters most. By doing so you get to truly experience the various sources of beauty and opportunity in your life while each of them lasts.

Let’s take a moment and revisit the notion of being limited by the reality of not being able to spend all the time you want with someone you love. When someone you love passes away too soon, that’s undoubtedly one of the most heartbreaking limitations to cope with, and the general principles for coping with this kind of tragic limitation is universally applicable to less severe situations too…

Imagine a person who gave meaning to your life is suddenly no longer in your life (at least not in the flesh), and you’re not the same person without them. You have to change who you are — you’re now a best friend who sits alone, a widow instead of a wife, a dad without a daughter, or a next-door neighbor to someone new. You want life to be the way it was, before death, but it never will be.

Angel and I have dealt with the loss of siblings and best friends to illness, so we know from experience that when you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open. And the bad news is you never completely get over the loss – you will never forget them. However, in a backwards way, this is also the good news.

You see, death is an ending, which is a necessary part of living. And endings are necessary for beauty too — otherwise it’s impossible to appreciate someone or something, because they are unlimited. Limits illuminate beauty, and death is the definitive limit — a reminder that you need to be aware of this beautiful person or situation, and appreciate this beautiful thing called life. Death is also a beginning, because while you’ve lost someone special, this ending, like every loss, is a moment of reinvention. Although deeply sad, their passing forces you to reinvent your life, and in this reinvention is an opportunity to experience beauty in new, unseen ways and places. And finally, of course, death is an opportunity to celebrate a person’s life, and to be grateful for the priceless beauty they showed you.

2. No matter how hard you work, you can’t have it all.

Eventually, most of us end up settling in some way. We let go of certain ideals and dreams, we compromise, and we make trade-offs. We gradually learn that we can’t have everything we want, because not every outcome in life can be perfectly controlled. But if we pay close attention, we also learn that we can make the best of every outcome, and still get a lot of what we want in life.

And these realizations collectively lead to an interesting question:

When should you settle, or compromise, and when should you continue fighting hard for what you ideally want to achieve?

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question, but when you encounter a situation that forces you to choose between compromise and fighting forward against the opposition, it might help to also ask yourself:

“Do I really need this, or do I just kinda want it?”

Being able to distinguish needs from wants is essential in every walk of life. Never let go of an outcome you truly need in your life, but be reasonably flexible on the outcomes you want but could live fine without.

In other words, choose your battles wisely, and don’t let perfect become the enemy of great. Remind yourself that what you pay attention to grows. So focus on what really matters and let go of what does not.

Don’t give up 60% of your life working 60-hour weeks at a day job that makes you absolutely miserable. Don’t abandon your sanity for the wrong reasons. Don’t neglect lifelong goals and dreams that have withstood the tests of time, and still bring incredible meaning into your life.

If you really need something, fight hard for it!

But for everything else, let go a little, loosen your grip, and compromise.

Settle on less of the unessential, to get more of what you really need and want in life.

3. If you truly want something in life, you also have to want the costs of getting it.

Most people want the reward without the risk — the shine without the grind. But you can’t have a destination without a journey. And a journey always has costs — at the very least, you have to invest your time and energy into it every step of the way.

So instead of thinking about what you want, first ask yourself:

“What am I willing to give up to get it?”

Or, for those inevitably hard days:

“What is worth suffering for?”

Seriously, think about it…

If you want the tight and sexy abs, you have to want the sore muscles, the sweaty clothes, the mornings or afternoons of exercise, and the healthy meals. If you want the successful business, you have to also want the longer days, the stressful business deals and decisions, and the likelihood of failing a few times to learn what you need to know to succeed in the long run. But if you catch yourself wanting something day in and day out, month after month, yet you never take action and thus you never make any progress, then maybe you don’t really want it after all, because you’re not willing to suffer through the effort and work it’s going to take to achieve it.

But if you decide that you do want it, then take a long, hard look at your daily routines and rituals, and ask yourself another question:

“Based on my daily routines and rituals, where can I expect to be in a year from now?”

This question can be helpful because if you have an idea about what you want the next chapter of your life to look like, you have to consistently DO things that support this idea. An idea, after all, isn’t going to do anything for you until you do something productive with it. In fact, as long as that great idea is just sitting around in your head it’s doing far more harm than good. Your subconscious mind knows you’re procrastinating on something that’s important to you. The required work that you keep postponing causes stress, frustration, fear, and usually more procrastination — a vicious cycle that continues to worsen until you interrupt it with positive ACTION!

4. Owning your truth can be hard, but not nearly as hard as spending a lifetime running away from it.

“I don’t think others like me. They like versions of me that I have somehow spun for them… versions of me that they have invented in their minds… versions of me with only the characteristics that are easy to like. But that’s not who I really am. And it scares me. After all, who’s going to like the guy that can’t stop second-guessing himself? The guy that cries? The guy that’s losing control? The guy that hides from his problems? The guy that keeps pushing everyone away? Who’s going to like the weakness in me… who’s going to like the real me?”

I wrote those lines in my journal fifteen years ago when I was struggling hard. What gradually healed me was my willingness to own my truth and be openly vulnerable about it. Doing so, of course, isn’t easy. Being vulnerable means accepting who you are and having the courage to share it with the world. To show up, not as who you think you should be or who you want people to think you are, but as the real YOU, and to be open and welcoming to however the world responds. It’s risky, but not nearly as hazardous as giving up on true love and honesty and acceptance — the priceless experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the dark corners of ourselves will we discover the hidden power of our inner light.

So please remember, no matter what age, race or sex you are, underneath all your external decorations you are a pure, beautiful being. You have light to shine and missions to accomplish. Celebrate being different, off the beaten path, a little on the weird side, your own special creation. If you find yourself feeling like a fish out of water, by all means find a new stream to swim in. But don’t deny yourself — embrace yourself!

Be you in a world that’s trying to influence every move you make.

Take the road less traveled when it feels right under your feet.

Do more than just exist.

We all exist. The question is: Do you live?

Own your truth. Learn from it…

And live! (Note: Angel and I explore the theme of owning your truth by using the power of journaling in “The Good Morning Journal: Powerful Prompts & Reflections to Start Every Day”.)

5. Not everyone you trust will be trustworthy, and you’re better off without some people.

“It was just a mistake,” he said. But the really painful thing was, it felt like the biggest mistake was mine, for trusting him.

Can you relate in any way? I’m sure you can.

Eventually every one of us suffers from some kind of betrayal. And in a backwards way, it’s what unites us. When it happens to you, the key is to not let one person’s despicable decisions destroy your trust in everyone else. Don’t let them take that from you.

Trust is essential to building and maintaining deep and meaningful connections — it’s the foundation for all healthy relationships. Rebuilding trust after betrayal though is rarely easy, and sometimes not even appropriate with the person who betrayed you. But regardless of the details and what you ultimately decide to do with that particular relationship, the most important decision is who you decide to be after a betrayal.

Do your best to be resourceful. Remind yourself that distancing yourself from someone who keeps giving you negative vibes or unhealthy energy is self-care. Stepping back from situations where you feel unappreciated or disrespected is self-care. Choose to honor your feelings and boundaries, respectfully.

In the end, people will come in and out of your life for different purposes and periods of time. Every one of them can be a teacher if you are willing to learn. Some lessons are far more painful than others, but all have the power to add to your strength of character. By processing a betrayal resourcefully, you are mining that experience for the pearls it holds so you can let go of the rest gradually over time.

The bottom line is that some people will only be there for you as long as you have something they need. When you no longer serve a purpose to them, they will leave. The good news is, if you tough it out, you’ll eventually weed these people out of your life and be left with some great people you can count on.

So just keep doing your best to spend time with nice people who are smart, driven and like-minded. Relationships should help you, not hurt you. Surround yourself with people who reflect the person you want to be. Choose friends who you are proud to know — people you admire, who love and respect you… people who make your day a little brighter simply by being in it. (Note: Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

Learn and believe (in yourself and your journey).

If you only remember two words from this whole essay, let them be: “Learn” and “Believe.”

Learn: As in… learn through experience. Learn from others. Remain humble, open-minded, and teachable. Put yourself out there and let it all sink it. Then gently push yourself to the edge of your comfort zone, so you can expand it and grow a little more confident and capable every day.

Believe: As in… believe in yourself and your ability to grow. Believe in your intuition, especially when you have to choose between two good paths. Believe that the answers are out there waiting. Believe that life will surprise you again and again. Believe that the journey is the destination. Believe that it’s all worth your while. And believe that you are strong enough to see it through.

Now it’s your turn…

Yes, it’s your turn to learn and believe today!

But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

This article is an excerpt from Atomic Habits, my New York Times bestselling book.

The Japanese railway system is regarded as one of the best in the world. If you ever find yourself riding a train in Tokyo, you’ll notice that the conductors have a peculiar habit.

As each operator runs the train, they proceed through a ritual of pointing at different objects and calling out commands. When the train approaches a signal, the operator will point at it and say, “Signal is green.” As the train pulls into and out of each station, the operator will point at the speedometer and call out the exact speed. When it’s time to leave, the operator will point at the timetable and state the time. Out on the platform, other employees are performing similar actions. Before each train departs, staff members will point along the edge of the platform and declare, “All clear!” Every detail is identified, pointed at, and named aloud.

This process, known as Pointing-and-Calling, is a safety system designed to reduce mistakes. It seems silly, but it works incredibly well. Pointing-and-Calling reduces errors by up to 85 percent and cuts accidents by 30 percent.1 The MTA subway system in New York City adopted a modified version that is “point-only,” and “within two years of implementation, incidents of incorrectly berthed subways fell 57 percent.”2

Pointing-and-Calling Your Habits

Pointing-and-Calling is so effective because it raises the level of awareness from a nonconscious habit to a more conscious level.3 Because the train operators must use their eyes, hands, mouth, and ears, they are more likely to notice problems before something goes wrong.

My wife does something similar. Whenever we are preparing to walk out the door for a trip, she verbally calls out the most essential items in her packing list. “I’ve got my keys. I’ve got my wallet. I’ve got my glasses. I’ve got my husband.”

The more automatic a behavior becomes, the less likely we are to consciously think about it. And when we’ve done something a thousand times before, we begin to overlook things. We assume that the next time will be just like the last. We’re so used to doing what we’ve always done that we don’t stop to question whether it’s the right thing to do at all. Many of our failures in performance are largely attributable to a lack of self-awareness.

One of our greatest challenges in changing habits is maintaining awareness of what we are actually doing. This helps explain why the consequences of bad habits can sneak up on us. We need a “point-and-call” system for our personal lives. That’s the origin of the Habits Scorecard, which is a simple exercise you can use to become more aware of your behavior.

The Habits Scorecard

To create your own Habits Scorecard, start by making a list of your daily habits.

Here’s a sample of where your list might start:

• Wake up
• Turn off alarm
• Check my phone
• Go to the bathroom
• Weigh myself
• Take a shower
• Brush my teeth
• Floss my teeth
• Put on deodorant
• Hang up towel to dry
• Get dressed
• Make a cup of tea

… and so on.

Once you have a full list, look at each behavior, and ask yourself, “Is this a good habit, a bad habit, or a neutral habit?” If it is a good habit, write “+” next to it. If it is a bad habit, write “–”. If it is a neutral habit, write “=”.

For example, the list above might look like this:

• Wake up =
• Turn off alarm =
• Check my phone –
• Go to the bathroom =
• Weigh myself +
• Take a shower +
• Brush my teeth +
• Floss my teeth +
• Put on deodorant +
• Hang up towel to dry =
• Get dressed =
• Make a cup of tea +

The marks you give to a particular habit will depend on your situation and your goals. For someone who is trying to lose weight, eating a bagel with peanut butter every morning might be a bad habit. For someone who is trying to bulk up and add muscle, the same behavior might be a good habit. It all depends on what you’re working toward.

How Do I Know if a Habit is Good or Bad?

Scoring your habits can be a bit more complex for another reason as well.

The labels “good habit” and “bad habit” are slightly inaccurate. There are no good habits or bad habits. There are only effective habits. That is, effective at solving problems. All habits serve you in some way—even the bad ones—which is why you repeat them.

When completing your Habits Scorecard, however, you can categorize your habits by how they will benefit you in the long run. Generally speaking, good habits will have net positive outcomes. Bad habits have net negative outcomes. Smoking a cigarette may reduce stress right now (that’s how it’s serving you), but it’s not a healthy long-term behavior.

If you’re still having trouble determining how to rate a particular habit, here is a question I like to use: “Does this behavior help me become the type of person I wish to be? Does this habit cast a vote for or against my desired identity?” Habits that reinforce your desired identity are usually good. Habits that conflict with your desired identity are typically bad.

Where to Go From Here

As you create your Habits Scorecard, there is no need to change anything at first. The goal is to simply notice what is actually going on. Observe your thoughts and actions without judgment or internal criticism. Don’t blame yourself for your faults. Don’t praise yourself for your successes.

If you eat a chocolate bar every morning, acknowledge it, almost as if you were watching someone else. Oh, how interesting that they would do such a thing. If you binge-eat, simply notice that you are eating more calories than you should. If you waste time online, notice that you are spending your life in a way that you do not want to.

The process of behavior change always starts with awareness. Strategies like Pointing-and-Calling and the Habits Scorecard are focused on getting you to recognize your habits and acknowledge the cues that trigger them, which makes it easier to discover which habits you should change and respond in a way that benefits you.

This article is an excerpt from Chapter 4 of my New York Times bestselling book Atomic Habits. Read more here.