“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.”
Lao Tzu

Today I’d like to focus on a negative habit that creates insecurity within, erodes self-esteem and can make you feel quite unhappy with your own life.

It’s something that has sprung up as we have moved a part of our lives on to the internet and social media.

And that habit is to compare yourself and your life to other people’s highlight reels.

What do I mean by that?

That it’s so easy to start comparing your life to the lives of friends, old classmates or celebrities of all sizes as you each day see how perfect their homes, kids, love lives are and how filled their lives are with wonderful moments.

But is that their whole lives that is shared on Facebook and Instagram?

Usually not.

It’s just the highlight reel of that person’s life. The positive moments.

And it’s natural thing really, to want to share such moments or days with your friends or followers.

Now, for some people this may develop into something destructive.

Into a way of creating a more perfect image of one’s life to get that hit of instant gratification as people add positivity via comments, likes and upvotes.

But everyone has problems at times.

They fail. Get sick. Have flaws, bad days or negative habits.

No matter who you are or what you look like or do.

I have those issues too. Just like anyone else.

I still stumble and fall on some days. Doubt myself or am pessimistic from time to time. That’s human.

So don’t strive for being perfect or measuring yourself against someone else’s highlight reel.

Here are three healthier steps you can take instead:

Step 1: Compare in a smarter way. 

There will always be people who have more or nicer things than you.

Or are better than you at something. No matter what you do.

So if you want to compare then do it in a way that won’t make you feel envious and inferior.

Do it by comparing yourself to yourself. See how far you have come. Look back at the obstacles you have overcome, what you have learned and how you have grown.

Step 2: Spend your energy and time on what matters the most. 

Step by step spend the hours in your day and week on building habits that will make you a better person and a happier one too.

For example, aim at being optimistic 70% of the time if you have been it maybe 50% in the past month.

Or spend more of your weekly free time on your favorite hobby or on sharpening a valuable skill. 

Step 3: Let go of what drags you down. 

If necessary, unsubscribe or remove social media accounts from your feed if you feel they are dragging you down and lowering your self-esteem. Even if those things might also be entertaining right now.

Life isn’t just a highlight reel no matter who shares it.

So look beyond that, remember that everyone is human and stop comparing yourself to that limited view of someone.

In the long run you’ll be happy that you did.

 

One of the most valuable things parents can do for their children is simply avoid labeling them, McManne said. Labels hurt the parent-child relationship because they get in the way of parents seeing their children as struggling and needing help. Parents start to link certain behaviors with whatever label they’ve given to their child, rather than digging in and really trying to understand what’s happening developmentally.

“Labels take us further out of compassion and curiosity,” McManne said. 

Labels also have the potential to become self-fulfilling. If children hear from parents that they’re a certain way, they might come to accept that as true — even if it doesn’t feel true to them.

Even labels that seem positive like “You’re smart!” can actually be harmful, McCready said.

“When we say ‘you’re smart’ or ‘you’re athletic,’ we’re telling our child, ‘The only reason you did well on that test is because you were born brainy,’ or, ‘You wouldn’t have made that goal if it weren’t for your natural ability.’ What’s more, if our child bombs the test next time, they’ll be left confused and discouraged, questioning their own ability. If they’re so smart, why did they fail?”

Instead, try this: 

Notice and applaud effort, not outcomes. And do whatever you can to avoid labeling your kiddo as anything, good or bad.

This article originally appeared on HuffPost.

“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.”
Eleanor Roosevelt

“When you say “yes” to others, make sure you aren’t saying “no” to yourself.”
Paulo Coehlo

When you get stuck in the habit of being a people pleaser then that can have a sneaky and negative effect.

Not only on you but also on the people around you.

Because as you try to please the other people in your life:

• You put on a mask and try to guess what to do while getting anxious and stressed.
• You sometimes feel taken advantage off by others who use your people pleasing habit and you often feel out of tune with what you yourself deep down want.
• It can also have an unintended effect on other people as they may see through your mask, start to feel your inner discomfort and stress themselves and get confused or upset because they sense you are not being honest and straightforward with them.

So trying to please others pretty much all the time is often an even worse choice that one may at first think.

But how can you change this behavior and stop being a people pleaser?

This week I’d like to share 7 powerful insights and habits that have helped me with that.

1. Realize that with some people it isn’t about you and what you do (no matter what you do).

Some people just can’t be pleased. No matter what you do.

Because it’s not about what you do or do not do. It’s about him or her.

About how she’s having a bad month, a sick pet or doesn’t have a good chemistry with you.

Or about him being in an unhappy marriage, in too much debt or having a tooth ache that just won’t stop.

By realizing this and how you in the end can’t get everyone to like you or avoid conflict no matter what you do you can start to let go of this ineffective and damaging habit.

2. Learn how to say no.

When you like to please then it’s of course hard to say no.

But it is vital for you own happiness, stress-levels and for living the life you truly want.

Here are 5 things that have made it easier for me to say no more often:

Disarm and state your need.

It’s easier for people to accept your no if you disarm them first.

Do that by, for instance, saying that you’re flattered or that you appreciate the kind offer.

Then add that you, for example, simply don’t have the time for doing what they want.

If they’re pushy, add how you feel.

Say that you don’t feel that this offer is a good fit for your life right now.

Or that you feel overwhelmed and very busy and so you cannot do whatever they want.

Telling someone how you honestly feel can help them to understand your side of the issue better. And it’s also a lot harder to argue with how you feel rather than what you think.

Help out a bit.

If possible, finish your reply with recommending someone that you think could help out or would be a better fit for what they need. 

I do this quite often when I feel I lack the knowledge or experience that a reader or a friend is looking for.

Remind yourself why it is important to sometimes say no: You teach people by how you behave.

They learn about you and your boundaries from your behavior.

So if you stand up for yourself and say no and are assertive about what you don’t want then people will start to pick up on that.

And over time you’ll encounter fewer and fewer situations where someone tries to be pushy or steamroll you.

It’s OK to feel a bit guilty about saying no (but you don’t have to act on it).

Just feel it and be with that feeling for a while.

But at the same time know that it doesn’t mean that you have to act on it and say yes or do what they want you to do.

3. Reminder: People don’t really care that much about what you say or do.

Holding yourself back in life and trying to act in a way that is pleasing to others can, in my experience, to a large part come from a belief that people care a great deal about what you say or do.

But the truth is that while you may be the main character in your own life and head you’re not that in other people’s lives.

Because here’s the thing: people have their hands full with thinking and worrying about their own lives.

They have their heads full with thoughts about their kids, career, pets, hobbies, dreams and worries or thoughts about what others may think of them.

This realization can make you feel less important. But it can also set you free.

4. Learn how to handle criticism and verbal lash outs (and the fear of that).

Tip #1 in this article is one thing that’ll help you to handle criticism and the fear of it.

Because sometimes it’s simply about the other person and his or her situation in life right now and not about what you did or did not do.

A few more things that help me to handle negative or critical messages are:

Wait before you reply.

Take a couple of deep breaths in a conversation or a few minutes if you’re in front of your inbox.

By doing so you’ll reduce the risk of lashing out yourself or making a mistake. Calming yourself down a bit before replying is pretty much always a good idea.

Remember: you can let it go.

You don’t have to reply to all the negative messages you may get via email, social media or in real life.

You can just say nothing, let it go and move on.

This does of course not work in every situation but it’s important to remember that you from time to time do have this option.

It’s OK to disagree.

This took me time to really get.

Because I wanted to get people to my side. To make someone see things the way I did.

But it’s also OK to simply have different opinions about things. And to leave it at that.

I found that life became lighter and simpler when I started to accept this idea and perspective.

5. Set boundaries for yourself.

If you say no to yourself, if you set a few firm boundaries for yourself then it will over time become easier to do the same towards other people too.

And these boundaries can also help you to focus better on what matters the most to you.

A couple of my daily ones that have helped me with both of those things are:

• A start-time and a stop-time for work. I don’t work before 8 in the morning and my work computer is shut off – at the latest – at 7 in the evening.
• Work in a no-distraction zone. I keep email notifications and messaging programs off. And my smart phone is on silent mode at the other end of our home.
• Only check email once a day. Otherwise it’s easy for me to lose focus and to have too many thoughts swirling around in my mind while working.

6. Strengthen your self-esteem.

Why’s this important?

Well, with a self-esteem toolbox filled with helpful habits you’ll value yourself and therefore your time and energy more and so it’s becomes more natural to say no when you need to.

And criticism and negative words will bounce off of you more easily and often.

Plus, you’ll be less concerned about getting everyone else to like you all the time.

Because now you like and respect yourself more and your dependency upon what others may think or say drops drastically.

7. Keep your focus on what YOU want out of your life.

If you know what’s most important to you and you keep your focus on that each day then you’ll naturally start to say no and stop being so people pleasing.

Because now your energy and time is mostly focused on your needs and wants.

You’re not just drifting along anymore without a clear focus (which is great because when you lack that then it’s easy to fall into the trap of just going along with what someone else wants).

So how do you do this practically?

Well, fine-tuning what you deep down want might take some time. But a good start is this…

Step 1: Ask yourself: what’s the top 3 most important things in my life right now?

It could be your small business. Your family. Your career, health, dog, photography hobby, soccer, improving your social life or simplifying your home. Or something else.

Step 2: Create 1-3 reminders.

Write down your top 3 most important things on a small piece of paper. And put it on your bedside table so you see it first thing every morning.

You can also create 1-2 more notes with the same answers to for instance put on your fridge and in your workspace.

An effective alternative to paper notes is to use a reminder app on your smart phone (I use the free Google Keep app for my reminders every day). 

These two simple steps have helped me a lot to keep my priorities straight and to remind myself of them every day so I don’t start to drift too much from what matters the most to me.

 

Have you ever felt like fat and food were your enemies? Like everything would be better if you could just lose weight—and eat whatever you want without consequence?

I felt that way for much of my childhood and teens, when unresolved trauma and low self-esteem led to a long battle with food and my body.

I struggled with bulimia for over a decade, starting at twelve. And though I technically “recovered” in my early twenties, I spent years after trapped in rigid food rules and a lingering fear of eating the “wrong” thing.

It wasn’t until my thirties that I finally felt free with food and truly comfortable in my own skin.

So many of us struggle with food in ways that profoundly affect our lives.

We eat to numb, then restrict to “make up” for it. We obsess over every bite, or we check out entirely. We feel ashamed of our habits, uncomfortable in our bodies, and unsure how to break the cycle.

And the worst part? It can completely consume our lives.

When food feels like a source of stress, it’s hard to be fully present. It’s hard to feel confident. It’s hard to enjoy much of anything.

But when you change your relationship with food—when eating feels enjoyable, your body feels like home, and you’re not constantly judging yourself—everything gets better. Your energy, your self-esteem, your day-to-day happiness.

Since I’ve lived both sides of this struggle, I’m passionate about sharing tools and teachers who help people find that same freedom. And it’s why I’m excited to introduce (or reintroduce) you to Jules Clancy, one of Tiny Buddha’s earliest contributors (from 2011) and this month’s sponsor.

Jules is a former food scientist turned health coach who’s dealt with binge eating herself, so she understands both the biology and the emotional side of food struggles. She’s offering a free 31-minute training called:

The Secret to Eating What You Want AND Feeling Good in Your Clothes

In this short but powerful workshop, Jules shares:

• The 3 essential skills for a naturally healthy relationship with food
• 6 sneaky reasons past efforts haven’t worked (so you can do things differently now)
• The 3 phases of healthy eating (so you know what you’re working toward)
• A surprisingly simple, non-restrictive approach to nutrition
• And a small, doable first step to help you eat with more ease and enjoyment

Jules’ approach is warm, down-to-earth, and backed by both science and experience. And while she offers a paid program as well, the free training alone is incredibly insightful and actionable.

If food has been a source of guilt or stress and you’re ready to feel calm and confident instead, I highly recommend checking out the free webinar.

You can sign up for instant access here.

I hope it’s helpful to you!

See a typo or inaccuracy? Please contact us so we can fix it!

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Eleanor Roosevelt

“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”
Louise L. Hay

It’s so easy be dragged down by your own thoughts.

So easy to not feel like “I’m not good enough”.

Not good enough to maybe to go for the job or promotion you want. Or out on a date with that person you’d really like to get to know better.

Or even as you do your best you may feel like it’s still not good enough. And so you feel that you’re not good enough either.

Such thoughts combined with the pressures and stress of today’s world can quickly start tearing your confidence in yourself and your self-esteem to pieces.

I think most of us have been in that situation.

I’ve been there many times. And let those thoughts hold me down and back from what I wanted.

But I’ve also ­– over the years – learned quite a few things that help me to prevent those thoughts from popping up in the first place. And to handle them when they do come running towards me.

1. You don’t have listen to your inner critic (you can shut it down).

When I was younger then I didn’t know I had an inner critic. A voice inside of me that would tell me that I was lazy, that my plan wouldn’t work and that I could have done an even better job.

The inner critic could sometimes motivate me to work smarter and do better. But most often it just tore me down.

I also didn’t know that you don’t have to listen to everything your mind is telling you. That you can actually talk back to that inner critic in your head.

But when it pipes up nowadays I know what works best for me is to – in my mind – shout:

Stop!

Or: No, no, no… we’re not going down that path again!

And the quicker I do that after the critic starts babbling the easier it will be to shut it down.

2. Find the exception to open up your mind again.

When you’re lost in a snowball of thoughts of how you’re not good enough then it can be tough to change your headspace to a more positive one once again.

You may think to yourself you’re not doing a good job at all in school. Or that your dating life sucks.

When I get lost in such thoughts I like to ask myself:

What’s one small exception to that though?

When I, for example, asked myself this one during my school years I’d remember that I was actually doing well in English class. Or, later on, that I had some nice dates with that one person 5 months ago.

And that small exception opened up my mind to more rays of optimistic light.

To finding more positive things that were actually in my life and that I had done or was doing at the time.

3. Make a list and then take a few minutes to soak in your positive memories.

Take out a pen and a piece of paper. Or a blank memo note on your smart phone.

And simply think back. To times and situations when you felt good enough.

Or to times when you may not have felt quite good enough at first but still took action and did well or even better than you had expected.

Write a few such memories down. And then when you feel uncertain or your confidence drops in some situation then pull out that note and soak in those memories for a few minutes to change your outlook.

4. Stop getting stuck in the comparison trap.

When you all too often compare yourself to others, to what they have and what they’ve done then you’re getting yourself stuck in the comparison trap.

This destructive habit tends to feed that feeling of not being good enough.

Because this habitual comparing is not a game you can win.

There will always be someone that’s better than you or that has more or has achieved more. Somewhere out there in your neighborhood, country or the world.

I’ve found that a much better alternative for me has been to compare myself to myself. To see how far I’ve come and what I’ve overcome.

Making that a habit and only occasionally checking out what other people are doing also makes it easier to not be envious but to be happy for their successes.

5. What people share online is usually a high-light reel.

In the past you had to sit down and think about what friends and acquaintances may have had. Or perhaps turn on the TV to see how someone famous lived.

Nowadays it’s often right there as soon as you pick up your smart phone or sit down in front of your laptop.

It’s harder to avoid the comparison trap these days then it was 10 or 15 years ago.

But one thing I try to keep in mind and that really helps when it comes to social media is this:

What people are sharing is a high-light reel of their lives.

Nothing wrong with that. But if you think that’s how their lives look all the time then you’re likely fooling yourself and making yourself feel worse without any real reason.

Because they usually share just the happiest, most fun and exciting moments of their lives. But no matter who they are everyone will still have bad days, get a knock-out flu, eat some food they shouldn’t have and they’ll have their own worries.

So don’t fall into the trap of comparing your low-points or everyday life with someone else’s high-light reel.

6. You may not want to check social media more than once a day.

I find that I can quite easily revert back into the comparison trap and into starting to feel like I’m not good enough if I check social media too often or spend too much time there.

Checking it quickly just once a day is enough for me and it keeps my focus and thoughts in the right place.

7. You can always start small with a right thing string to change how you feel.

One thing I like to do in the morning or when I’m not feeling too good about myself and that helps me to keep my self-esteem stable is what I like to call a right thing string.

Here’s what you do:

Do something that you deep down think is the right thing. Do it right now…

• Give a genuine compliment to someone at school, work or in your life.
• Take 3 minutes to unclutter your workspace.
• Or help someone out with a bit of information that they’re looking for.

Then add another thing that you think is the right thing to do.

Have a banana instead of candy or potato chips. When you feel like judging someone on social media or on TV then try to find a kinder and more understanding point of view.

Then add another thing. And another.

Build a small string of doing the right things during, for example, 10-30 minutes.

When you’ve added a right thing to your string – no matter how small it may be – make sure to take just a couple of seconds to pause and to appreciate the good thing you did.

I often think one of these things to myself:

• Excellent!
• Well done!
• That was fun!

Building a string like this makes you feel good about yourself again, it will over time raise your self-esteem and help to keep it stable and it’s simply a good and fun way to put yourself into a better headspace again.

8. Celebrate all wins.

Not only the big ones. Because then you’ll wait a long time between celebrations and run the risk of only feeling good about yourself when you’ve reached such a peak in life.

I’ve learned that it tends to work better to keep the motivation and self-confidence up if I celebrate all wins. No matter how small.

One small step forward is still one small step forward and you need to take such steps no matter what lofty goal you want to reach.

So celebrate those wins too in some way. Maybe with a pat on your back, a tasty and delicious snack or a quiet break out in nature.

9. It really helps to let it out.

Keeping these thoughts bottled up can make them spiral out of control.

Letting them out can help you to look at things from a more grounded and constructive perspective.

Three ways to let it out are:

Vent about these thoughts as someone close to you simply listens.

Do this for a little while to release the pent up tensions and to figure things out for yourself.

Discuss it with a friend.

Let her add her perspective. Or ask him what he’s done in a similar situation.

Your friend can ground you in reality again so you don’t start making a horrific mountain out of a molehill or medium-sized hill.

And the two of you can perhaps come up with a plan for how you can start improving upon the specific situation you’re in where you’re not feeling good enough (such as preparing for that job interview or that date).

Journal about it.

If you don’t have anyone close to you to talk to about this – or you don’t want to for some reason – then a helpful alternative is to journal about it.

Just get all those thoughts swirling around in your head out of paper or in a digital document.

This is similar to venting and seeing it all laid out before you can help you to more easily get an overview, find clarity and a realistic size of your challenge and see what you can do to improve upon the situation.

10. Don’t beat yourself up. There are much better ways to motivate yourself.

Beating yourself up can renew your motivation to do better the next time.

But it will most likely cause more hurt than it will help you in the long run as it drags you down mentally and may often extinguish your motivation instead of renewing it.

So find another way to motivate yourself that won’t push your respect and love for yourself down such as:

• Be kinder and more constructive when you talk to yourself.
• Let it out as mentioned above.
• Look for small or tiny steps you can take today to improve the situation you’re in.
• Start building a right thing string.

And remember that just because plenty of people beat themselves up all the time or because you’ve done it many times in the past doesn’t mean that it’s the healthiest or best way to move forward again.

11. Focus on and take responsibility for the process.

If you focus on the process instead of always hoping for a certain result then you’ll be a lot more relaxed, the pressure you put on yourself will be greatly reduced and the feeling of not being good enough will diminish too.

When you focus on the process then you just take responsibility for showing up and taking action.

That’s it.

No matter if that’s at work, while building your own business or at the gym.

Results will come anyway from that consistent action. And from you focusing on your process and adjusting it along the way as you learn more about what works and what does not.

I’ve found that if I focus on the process instead of obsessing about some result I want as soon as possible – or preferably even sooner – then my patience and persistence grows and I’m lot more likely to continue on my path even I hit a rough patch or two (or five).

12. What someone has said or done to you may not be about you.

The criticism or verbal attacks you may have received this morning or during the past year might not have been about you at all.

So don’t make the common mistake of thinking it’s all about you.

Someone close to you, at work or at school could simply have had a bad week, month or year.

Or he or she may be in a bad marriage, dissatisfied with his/her career or carrying an old and heavy baggage of negativity that someone else once put on him or her.

Remind yourself of this when you don’t feel good enough because of what someone else may have said or done. And realize that you don’t have to carry their baggage and negativity.

That belongs to them. Not you.

13. You can and may need to make some real changes in your environment to feel better.

Whatever we let into our minds will have a big effect. No matter if those influences are positive or negative.

So you may need to make some changes in your environment to feel better about yourself.

Otherwise you’re always trying to move forward while powerful weights are holding and dragging you back.

A simple start to that process of step-by-step changing your day to day world is to ask yourself this:

What are the top 3 sources of negativity in my life?

It could be:

• Someone close to you or at work or in school.
• A social media account.
• A website or forum you visit every week.
• Or a TV-show, podcast, music, magazine and so on.

Then ask yourself:

What can I do to spend less time with these 3 sources this week?

Come up with one or a few action-steps for each of the sources if possible. And focus on taking action to reduce the influence and time you spend on at least one of these sources this week.

And then, during the next 7 days, spend the time you’ve now freed up with the most supportive, uplifting and positive sources – close by or far away in the world – and people in your life.

Want more motivation? You may find this post with you are enough quotes and this one about knowing your true worth helpful.

 

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
Buddha

“People throw away what they could have by insisting on perfection, which they cannot have, and looking for it where they will never find it.”
Edith Schaeffer

One common way to get things done, to achieve and to motivate yourself is to be kind of hard on yourself.

To set very high standards for yourself that you want to stick to every time.

Now, this way of going about things can indeed help you to accomplish big things in your life and to get things done every week.

But it comes at a price.

Three negative things about taking this position towards yourself are:

You tear your self-esteem down. 

As you achieve things you tend to tear down your own self-esteem at the same time.

So you feel less and less like you deserve success. And frustration and being angry can become more and more common as you fail to reach those very high standards.

You suck the fun and excitement out of things.

A hard or harsh attitude towards yourself has a tendency to make things that used to be fun and exciting less and less so.

This attitude does instead over time turn those things into just work that you may start to dread because you fear failure or not meeting your high standards.

You’ll perform worse and worse.

As your self-esteem goes down you’ll feel less motivated to tackle the tasks and projects in your life. As the fun and excitement goes out of many of the things you do procrastination tends to become more and more common.

Plus, the work you put in becomes less energetic and focused and so the results aren’t that good anymore either.

I used to take the harder and harsher path. It did help in some ways. But it wasn’t worth it.

So what can you do if you feel that you are maybe too hard on yourself or you beat yourself up quite often?

Here are 4 tips that helped me to become kinder towards myself, to get more of the most important things done and to feel better about myself and my life.

1. Remind yourself of the negative effects of this attitude.

To just remind yourself of how damaging being hard on yourself has been is in my experience a very effective way to replace the old habit with going easier on yourself.

2. Go for more human and smarter standards for yourself.

Movies, books and the people around you may push standards on you that are just pure fantasy or some kind of perfect dream.

But life is life, not a fantasy or dream and to set such extremely high standards that no one can live up to just leads to what you may see as failure and disappointment in yourself and in your life.

Instead, relax a bit and accept that everything and everyone has flaws and things don’t always go as planned.

Accept that you can still improve things but they will never be perfect.

And realize that you won’t be rejected if things or you aren’t perfect. At least not by reasonably well-balanced human beings, like most people actually are in reality.

3. Focus on the positive and helpful feedback in setbacks.

It is very common to be hard on yourself when you make a mistake or fail.

But it is also a very destructive habit because it can magnify one such event into something that makes you feel depressed for days or weeks or makes you quit altogether.

So when you are hard on yourself for a failure or mistake then relax a bit and go a bit easier on yourself. Remind yourself of why this is a much better strategy to keep the motivation and self-esteem up.

And ask yourself:

• What is one thing I can I learn from this situation?
• How can I use what I learn from this to not make the same mistake again and to move forward in a smarter way?

4. Celebrate your small steps of forward.

If you are in the habit of only celebrating when you reach a big milestone or a perfect moment or two then you may lose your motivation and feel like you are never happy or arriving where you want to be.

So make a habit of celebrating your small daily and weekly successes too.

This will help you to keep the soul-tiring monotony away and help you to stay enthusiastic instead of getting more and more unmotivated until you may even consider quitting halfway to that big milestone.

 

Updated August 2022

Guys: Big news! I just published my first children’s book entitled The Only Me, about a set of 7-year-old fraternal twins named Stella and Paige — and Stella’s quest to be seen as her own person. (You can see me talking about the book here.)

Stella and Paige are very different, yet are always being compared and contrasted by almost everyone around them. This impacts Stella greatly; she begins to feel frustrated and insecure – like she doesn’t measure up to her sister, Paige. Yes, they are twins, but they are not the same person. 

Stella wishes people would see her for who she is, and not just as “Stella and Paige,” or as “one of the twins.” The Only Me follows Stella along her journey as she begins to recognize her own amazing strengths, and despite what others may say, learns to embrace and value herself as the unique individual she is. 

As parents (of multiples, but perhaps of singletons, too!), I’m sure many of you can appreciate the message in this book – and I’m also sure you can relate to why I was inspired to write it: 

From the time my now 6-year-old fraternal twins were born, people often referred to them as “the twins” rather than by their individual names – as if they weren’t whole without the other. Soon, being “the twins,” as opposed to Mila and Grace, became their entire identity. This, compounded by people constantly comparing them to one another (both physically and mentally), led them to feel frustrated, unseen, confused about their own identity, and inferior to one another. 

The Only Me started out as a book just about twins – in fact, it was originally titled The Twins Who Were Different – but in an article I wrote last year for Lucie’s List about the importance of treating siblings like their own people, I realized the message of the book (embracing differences; honoring our strengths; loving and being proud of ourselves for who we are) applied to all children, not just multiples.

While researching that article, I learned that, even though they tend to look alike and share similar cognitive abilities, siblings actually aren’t much more similar than any two strangers in the world. Whhhaaa?! That blew my mind and gave me even more of an incentive to write the book. I also learned that when we treat our kids like individuals, we show them how much we honor and respect them for exactly who they are. In turn, this helps boost their self-confidence and sense of identity. 

I mean, wow, right?! What an incredible opportunity and responsibility we have as caregivers — to help grow and shape our children’s sense of value and self-esteem! 

The Only Me is a reminder to all of us that treating each of our children as the unique people they are, and praising their individual pursuits and personalities, goes a long way in helping them feel respected, loved and secure. And again, although this book is meant for everyone, I wrote it with twins in mind  – whether fraternal or identical – who, naturally, are often lumped together and viewed as one unit, as mine often are. 

I hope you’ll read the book with your children and let me know if and how it resonates. I’d also love for you to share with me some of the ways in which your multiples are similar and different. And, with your permission, I’d love to share your experiences in an upcoming article about the topic. Feel free to email me at [email protected]. 

Thanks so much, everyone! Cheers to you and your multiples. 

xo,
Marissa 

Let’s face it. Happiness feels so out of reach. We see snapshots of perfect lives on social media, face nonstop demands at work, and get lost in a sea of information that only seems to remind us of what we’re missing. It’s exhausting, and it’s easy to feel like we’re falling short. But deep down, we all want the same thing—to feel happy, to feel like we’re enough. That’s a longing we can all relate to.

This guide isn’t about quick fixes or fleeting mood boosts. Instead, it’s about creating meaningful habits, embracing small changes, and cultivating the resilience to face life’s ups and downs. Let’s dive into how you can build a life that feels more joyful, one intentional step at a time.

Managing Stress and Anxiety: Reclaiming Control of Your Time and Energy

Stress and anxiety often creep into our lives through unmanageable schedules and overwhelming expectations. They can make even joyful moments feel like burdens. But these feelings aren’t just emotions—they’re often signals that something about how we manage our time and energy needs to change.

Think about how much time gets eaten away by “time killers” like endlessly scrolling social media, procrastinating on tasks, or getting caught in unnecessary meetings. Instead of these draining habits, try introducing time-blocking. Dedicate specific portions of your day to focused work and meaningful activities, and set boundaries for distractions. For example, block out one hour in the morning for deep work—no emails or notifications—and reserve your afternoons for more collaborative tasks or lighter activities.

To address deeper stressors, take a moment to reflect on what drains you the most. Is it your work schedule? Household chores? Lack of downtime? Start small by identifying one “time killer” or energy drain you can cut or reduce. Redirect that time toward something that adds value to your life—like a walk, a call with a friend, or working on a personal project. It’s about making conscious choices that help you feel more in control.

Stress isn’t something to eliminate entirely; some of it can even be motivating. The key is to manage it so it doesn’t dominate your day. Remember, small steps can lead to significant shifts in how you feel and function.

Rediscovering Joy Through Meaningful Activities and Flow

When was the last time you lost yourself in an activity, feeling so absorbed that hours flew by? These moments of “flow” are more than just enjoyable; they’re essential for our happiness. Yet, in the rush of daily responsibilities, many of us neglect activities that bring us joy.

Reconnecting with these activities can feel like reconnecting with a part of yourself. Perhaps you used to love painting, playing an instrument, gardening, or solving puzzles. Start by setting aside just 10 minutes to reengage with one of these hobbies. It might feel rusty or unfamiliar at first, but that’s okay. The goal isn’t perfection; it’s rediscovering the joy of doing something purely for yourself.

To deepen the impact of these moments, focus on how they make you feel rather than what you accomplish. For instance, if you’re gardening, take a moment to notice the textures of the soil and the beauty of the plants. If you’re painting, let go of the final product and enjoy the creative process. Over time, these small efforts can reintroduce a sense of play, curiosity, and relaxation into your daily routine, making them a cornerstone of your happiness.

Building Self-Esteem by Celebrating Small Wins and Shaping Routines

Low self-esteem often feels like a barrier to happiness, coloring how we view ourselves and the world around us. But self-esteem doesn’t require a complete personality overhaul—it’s often about shifting how we acknowledge our efforts and achievements.

Start by recognizing the small wins that happen every day. Did you handle a difficult conversation at work? Make a healthy meal instead of ordering takeout? Push yourself to exercise even when you didn’t feel like it? Write these moments down in a “win journal,” or simply take a moment to mentally congratulate yourself. Over time, these acknowledgments can reinforce a more positive self-image.

Another way to build self-esteem is by designing routines that support you emotionally. For example, if you often start your day scrolling through social media, replace that with a practice that sets a more positive tone, like writing three things you’re grateful for or stretching for a few minutes. Small shifts in your environment and habits can have a profound effect on how you feel about yourself.

To amplify the impact, pair these routines with affirmations. It might feel awkward at first, but saying things like, “I’m capable of handling today’s challenges” or “I’m proud of how far I’ve come” can help rewire negative self-talk into more constructive and uplifting thoughts.

Maintaining a Healthy Lifestyle: Combine Physical and Mental Energy Strategies

We’ve all experienced that mid-afternoon slump when we reach for caffeine or sugar to push through. While these quick fixes might provide a temporary boost, they often leave us feeling more drained later. Instead of asking, “How can I fit more into my day?” shift your focus to, “How can I increase my energy levels?”

Start with sleep. Consistent, quality rest is one of the most underrated factors in maintaining physical and mental well-being. Aim for 7-9 hours a night, and create a bedtime routine that signals to your body it’s time to wind down—like turning off screens an hour before bed or reading something calming.

Next, think about your nutrition. A diet rich in whole foods, fruits, vegetables, and lean proteins provides steady energy throughout the day. Pair this with regular hydration and short movement breaks—even a five-minute stretch or walk can recharge your body and mind.

Exercise is another cornerstone of energy management. Whether it’s a brisk walk, yoga, or a favorite sport, physical activity releases endorphins that naturally boost your mood and focus. The key is to choose activities you enjoy so they feel like a reward rather than a chore.

When you take care of your physical health, you’re better equipped to enjoy life’s moments, tackle challenges, and sustain long-term happiness. Combine these habits with mindfulness practices like deep breathing to maintain a balanced energy level throughout the day.

Strengthening Relationships: Deepen Connections and Create Community

Humans are wired for connection. Whether it’s a heartfelt conversation with a friend or a simple check-in with a loved one, relationships are a cornerstone of happiness. Yet, they’re often the first thing we neglect when life gets busy.

Deepening connections doesn’t have to mean grand gestures. Start with small but consistent actions. Send a thoughtful text, invite a friend for coffee, or set aside time to catch up with family. When you’re with someone, practice being fully present. Put your phone away, listen actively, and show genuine interest in what they’re sharing.

Over time, these consistent efforts can create stronger, more meaningful bonds. And don’t underestimate the power of small social interactions either—a kind word to a coworker, a friendly chat with your neighbor, or a quick thank-you note can boost your sense of connection to the world around you.

Consider also creating opportunities for group interactions, like joining a local club or volunteering for a cause you care about. Building community fosters a sense of belonging, which is vital for emotional well-being and resilience.

Practicing Gratitude and Acts of Kindness: Small Changes, Big Shifts

Gratitude is one of the simplest yet most effective ways to shift your mindset toward positivity. It’s not about ignoring challenges or pretending everything is perfect, but about recognizing and appreciating the good that already exists in your life.

Each day, take a moment to reflect on three things you’re grateful for. They can be as small as a delicious meal or as significant as a supportive friend. Writing them down in a journal can deepen this practice and give you something to look back on during tougher times.

Similarly, acts of kindness—even small ones—can have a profound impact. Compliment a coworker, hold the door open for a stranger, or volunteer for a cause you care about. These gestures not only brighten someone else’s day but also reinforce your own sense of purpose and connection.

For an added challenge, try practicing gratitude and kindness in difficult moments. For example, if someone cuts you off in traffic, instead of reacting with frustration, acknowledge that they might be having a tough day. Shifting your perspective can create moments of unexpected calm and joy.

Conclusion: Start Small and Stay Consistent

Happiness isn’t a destination you arrive at. It’s something you build, moment by moment, choice by choice. Some days it will feel effortless, and other days it will require patience and persistence. That’s okay—progress isn’t always linear.

Pick one idea from this guide to start with. Maybe it’s a two-minute mindfulness practice, writing down three things you’re grateful for, or taking a short walk in nature. Over time, these small actions will create a ripple effect, helping you build a life that feels more joyful and meaningful.

Remember, every step you take matters. Trust in your ability to create positive change, one choice at a time.

Featured photo credit: Photo by MI PHAM on Unsplash via unsplash.com

“Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.”
Henry James

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”
Maria Robinson

To be kind to yourself in everyday life is in in my experience one of the best things you can do for yourself.

Life will become lighter and your relationships will most likely improve.

You will feel happier overall. And your self-esteem and your sense of deserving good things in life will go up. It’s one of my absolute favorite topics and one that I have created my most popular program around in The Self-Esteem Course.

But it is also one thing that is often neglected or something some may feel guilty about doing.

To make a positive change with that simply start a new habit today. One of kindness and love towards yourself. You can find 10 of my favorites among such habits in this article.

1. Invest in yourself.

Spend 15-30 minutes in the morning or evening with reading, listening to or watching material that uplifts you, that helps you to understand yourself and the world or that helps you to live a better life.

Then, if possible, take one small action on what you have learned.

2. Find the truth and exception when an inner critic or outer critic attacks.

Your own inner critic may not always say nice things about you. People around you may attack you or try to bring you down to serve one of their own needs.

If you or someone else does this, ask yourself this question:

What is the exception to this though?

This is very effective to change your train of thoughts, to find the truth and to not get down on yourself.

For example, if you or someone says that you are not doing a good job in school then you can ask the question and find answers that tell you that isn’t really true.

If you question the attack and look for the exception you may for instance see that you are actually doing a good job in most of your courses, but may be a bit unfocused and lazy in math and geography.

That is a more nuanced truth that helps you rather than just brings you down.

3. Unstress tonight.

Take a long bath and read something to escape. Or work out. Or talk to someone about something that is on your mind and let it all out.

Set aside 30 minutes or more and be kind to your body and mind by letting the tensions and stress out.

4. Take just 2 minutes in the morning or evening to appreciate yourself.

Create a kinder and more balanced self-image by making it a quick and daily habit to appreciate yourself.

Here’s what you do:

Sit down with a journal on your smart phone, computer or in paper form. Ask yourself:

What are 3 things I can appreciate about myself?

It could be that you are a good listener or are doing well with your hobby right now. Or that you have a love for animals, people or music.

It doesn’t have to be big things either. Maybe just that you flossed or brushed your teeth this morning.

The important thing is to appreciate yourself both for the little things and the things you may take for granted and not just for reaching a big milestone once in while.

5. Mediocre day? Take one small step forward towards something positive.

If your day feels mediocre or just sort of depressing then take one small step towards something positive to breathe new hope and optimism into your day and week.

• Book or research a trip you want to take.
• Setup a dinner or a cup of coffee with a good friend.
• Look into how you can grow in your career to get new and exciting stuff to do.
• Try a new hobby.

6. Be kinder towards others.

The way you think about and treat others is often the way you think about and treat yourself. So choose to be kinder towards others to, over time, become kinder and more understanding towards yourself too.

For example:

• Let someone into your lane while driving.
• Encourage a friend or a family member when they are uncertain or unmotivated.
• Just be there and listen as you let someone vent.

7. If you stumble, be your own best friend.

Don’t beat yourself up, that will erode your self-esteem. Be a kind and supportive friend to yourself instead.

Ask yourself: How would my friend/parent support me and help me in this situation?

And then do things and talk to yourself like he or she would.

And remember to ask yourself what you can learn from your stumble and if there is an opportunity in this situation. Then take that new knowledge you gain and move forward once again.

8. Take a laugh-break.

Take 5-10 minutes in the middle of your day or if that is not possible then use your morning or evening.

Use your smart phone, computer or TV and watch a funny clip or a half an episode of a sitcom, read a funny book or comic or listen to a podcast you know makes you laugh.

I have been using this one for well over a decade, even before I got seriously interested in personal development.

I find it to be one of the most effective things I can do to recharge my energy and optimism and to release inner tensions.

9. Remember, the future is still in your hands. And it is never too late to change. 

Don’t get stuck in thought loops that just go round and round about what you could have done or what went wrong.

Think about what you really want in the rest of your life instead.

• Better health?
• A great relationship?
• New challenges in your career?

Now, what are a few small steps you can take towards that goal?

Take one of those steps today. Then another tomorrow.

10. Simply remind yourself of why it is smart to be kind to yourself.

By knowing the reasons why it is smart to be kinder to yourself it, in my experience, becomes easier and easier to be kind to yourself and to take the time for it every day.

By reminding yourself of benefits such as better real life results, more perseverance, higher self-esteem, more happiness and inner stillness, more positive relationships with yourself and with other people it becomes easier to stay kind to yourself through life’s natural ups and downs.