Asking the right questions is the answer.

In a recent email newsletter I wrote, “Calm your mind today. Don’t just think outside the box; think like there is no box.”

And to my surprise, 97 people quoted that line and responded with the same general question: “How?”

I’ve spent the morning thinking about how to answer their collective question in the most universal way possible, and I’ve decided that the simplest explanation I can give is this: Ask yourself better questions — questions that focus your thoughts and filter out the excess noise that’s been cluttering your mind.

The calming and healing power of a positive imagination is unleashed by constraining your focus. Constraints drive creativity and force mindful thinking. It may sound counterintuitive at first but, in a backwards way, you break out of the box by stepping into the right shackles.

And that’s exactly what the questions below can help you with — shackling the noise in your head by channeling your focus into meaningful thoughts and moments of self-refection. Let these questions shift your perspective and guide you forward…

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Please share the questions above with others who you think will benefit from them. And as always, please share your thoughts with Marc and me in the comments section below. If you’re up to it, we would love to read your response to the very first question:  In one sentence, who are you?

(Also note that many of these photo-illustrated questions were initially created for our sister site, Thought Questions, but since we rarely update that site anymore we decided to share the questions with you here. Finally, many of these questions have also been published in the guided journal, “The Good Morning Journal”.)
For photo credits please refer to ThoughtQuestions.com

Success is a difficult thing to measure, perhaps because it means something slightly different for everybody. For some, success is all about financial security while for others it could be about climbing to the top of your game in your chosen career. For others, success might be defined by work/life balance. 

Once you know what success looks like for you, the next hurdle is making success happen for yourself. One important step in that process is to cultivate your own success mindset. This mindset can help you visualize a life where you have achieved the goals that will make you successful and follow a path to make that happen. After all, once you figure out how to change your mindset, you can accomplish just about anything.

What Is a Success Mindset?

A success mindset is one that helps people achieve, personally or professionally. It can include many facets, including positivity, goal-setting, self-discipline and resilience. Developing a success mindset involves retraining your brain to approach life in a way that will help you realize your full potential. 

This type of mindset can help you develop habits and attitudes to help you stay focused, resilient and motivated as you work towards your goals, especially when it comes to facing setbacks and roadblocks. With a success mindset, people are able to believe in their own potential for growth. They also strive for genuine clarity of goals, as well as consistent positive self-talk. It also involves holding yourself accountable when it comes to the decisions you make along the way. 

A success mindset can help you foster a clear vision of what you want, stay open to continuous learning along the road and see failures as teachable moments. Ultimately, a success mindset can help you see yourself growing and set goals for how you are going to become successful.

Why Mindset Matters for Success

You set a firm foundation for your future when you take steps to develop a success mindset. This success mindset will help you reframe your failures as opportunities to change and grow, and it can help you build confidence in yourself and your goals. This can help you stay motivated on the journey toward your desired results. If you train your brain to believe in yourself and your own future success, you are also combating one of the greatest threats to success: comparison. 

You can learn to celebrate your own progress rather than following someone else’s journey. Comparison can sometimes lead to beliefs that you are simply not as good, not as successful or not as worthy. Putting your energy into changing your mindset can help you be successful not just in business but in relationships and other areas of life as well. You can learn to communicate effectively and with emotional intelligence, build strong teams and work well with others to achieve goals. 

Despite concerns about issues like inflation and rising fuel costs, many entrepreneurs feel optimistic about the future, according to the JPMorganChase Business Leaders Outlook Survey. John Simmons, JPMorganChase Head of Commercial Banking, asserts that business leaders have focused on turning “obstacles into opportunities.” In other words, their ability to succeed can be at least partially attributed to their adoption of a success mindset. 

Stress can have negative impacts on our health. Negative self-talk can be damaging to creativity and productivity. Life is going to get in your way, and there’s not much you can do to stop that. However, you can change your mindset to set yourself up to be resilient in an unpredictable world.

How to Change Your Mindset to be Successful

There are several different practices you can implement into your life to foster a success mindset.

1. Visualization

Being able to see yourself as a success is the first step. You might want to consider creating a vision board with a collage of quotes, images, dreams and symbols to remind you of the future you are working toward when times get difficult. If vision boards aren’t your thing, you can get a bit of daily inspiration through daily affirmations or mantras. You can buy affirmation cards if you struggle to come up with some yourself and place them on your mirror to repeat at will. You might also benefit from repeating mantras like “I grow through every challenge,” or even simply “This day is my day” when you are having a difficult time.

Keeping a daily journal is an excellent practice both to monitor your progress and sort out your thoughts, and it should help you map out a visual timeline of milestones you hope to meet.

2. Self-Reflection

Being honest with yourself is all about asking “why” you are doing something to find the real motivation. Why are you growing your business, for example? To take care of your family, financial freedom, creative outlet… whatever the answer might be, you are the one who needs to ask it. 

You should never underestimate the importance of self-reflection, according to the Harvard Business Review. It also needs to be a daily practice. Check in with yourself in the morning to see what sort of mindset you need for the day. Consider keeping a weekly win and lessons learned log to document both successes and setbacks. 

3. Goal-Setting

Set yourself clear, actionable goals, like reframing negative self-talk by committing to positive affirmations for 30 days to help your success mindset. You can also set financial goals, like saving $5,000 over a period of time by tracking weekly expenses and getting rid of unwanted subscriptions to see results. If you’re hoping to benefit from a new learned experience, try setting a goal, like joining a networking organization or improving your public speaking by taking part in a Toastmasters club for a short period of time.

The key ingredient here is being realistic about your goals. Setting an unattainable goal for yourself will only harm you in the long run.

4. Cognitive Reframing

Learning how to reframe the way you interpret events is no easy feat. We all have lifelong training from the people in our lives and our own histories, but sometimes seeing the world through that old framework holds us back from a more positive future. Cognitive reframing is all about changing the way you look at the facts in front of you rather than changing them. 

Certainly therapy can help you with cognitive reframing, but there are other useful daily tools you can implement as well. If, for example, you find yourself thinking, “I’m never going to be successful,” you can catch that thought as it happens by asking, “Why am I thinking like this?” Then you can challenge that thought by asking, “Is this true? Will I never be successful?” before reframing the answer. “This isn’t true. I’m just suffering from a setback. I have the tools to build a successful life.” Repeat as needed.

5. Lean on the Experts

We are fortunate to live in a time when we have so much access to research, and there are some incredible tools that have been created by experts along the way. If you want to dig deeper into the timeless philosophies of success and mindset mastery, check out the master himself at JimRohn.com. Rohn shares tips on how to cultivate an environment for success by surrounding yourself with positive influences, shares great tips on how to set goals that work and more. If you’re a podcast person, consider listening to this episode of Unscripted to hear how mindset plays out in real life.

The Power of a Success Mindset in Everyday Life

There are so many factors to finding success in your everyday life, and some factors are simply beyond our control. Which is why it is so important to develop a success mindset over time even if it doesn’t come naturally to you. Using tools like visualization, achievable goal-setting, positive self-talk and cognitive reframing can help you stay on track with your business and your life. Remember that a success mindset is a practice. It’s something you can come back to every day as you work towards your dreams.

Photo from PeopleImages.com – Yuri A/Shutterstock.com

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“It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes—it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, ‘Well, if I’d known better I’d have done better.’” ~Maya Angelou

I’ve lived long enough to know the difference between a mistake and a tragedy. Some of what I carry falls in between—moments I wish I could redo, things I said or didn’t say, relationships I mishandled, and opportunities I let slip through my fingers. They don’t scream at me every day, but they visit me quietly. The memory of my mistakes is like a second shadow—one that doesn’t leave when the light changes.

I’ve done a lot of good in my life. I’ve built meaningful work, taught students with heart, and showed up for people when it counted. I’ve loved deeply, even if clumsily. I’ve also failed—sometimes badly. And it’s the memory of those failures, more than the wins, that lingers.

The Woman on the Highway, and Others I Left Behind

I remember the woman on the side of a Mexican highway after our car ran off the road. She touched my forehead and looked into me with a deep compassion and mystical kindness—wordlessly holding space for what had just happened. I never thanked her. I left without saying goodbye, and I still think about her. I wonder if she knew how much that moment meant. I wish I could tell her now.

That moment wasn’t an isolated one. There have been many like her—friends, lovers, colleagues—people I walked away from too soon or too late. Some I hurt with silence. Others I lost because I couldn’t admit I was wrong. I see now that my pride got in the way. So did fear. So did the misguided belief that being clever or bold or accomplished could make up for emotional messiness.

It didn’t.

What I Thought Living Fully Meant

I used to chase experience and pleasure the way Zorba the Greek did—believing that living fully meant taking what life offered, especially when love or passion knocked. Zorba said the worst sin is to reject a woman when she wants you, because you’ll never stop wondering what could’ve been. There’s a strange truth in that, even if it doesn’t fit with modern ideas of love and consent and mutuality.

But I also know now: not every yes leads to peace. Sometimes you dive in and still end up alone, or ashamed, or with someone else’s pain on your hands.

And here’s the truth—I even failed at being a Zorba purist.

I missed a lot of messages and opportunities, not just because of bad timing or external circumstances, but because of my own blindness. Fear, shyness, and a deep lack of self-confidence got in the way more times than I can count. In that sense, yes, it’s a kind of failure. I didn’t always seize the moment. I didn’t always say yes. Sometimes I watched the boat leave without me.

But here’s what I’ve learned: sometimes not getting what you wished for is the blessing. I missed out on things that might have done more harm than good. And while I’ll never know for sure, I’ve come to trust the ambiguity.

My appetite for imagined memories—for playing out what might have been—can still guide me in unhealthy ways. It’s easy to get lost in nostalgia for possibilities that never were. But that too has become a teacher. I’m learning not to be burdened by those alternate timelines. I’m learning to live here, now, in this life—the real one.

I Will Not Be a Victim

These days, people talk a lot about not being a victim—and that’s become something of a mantra for me. Not in a tough, self-righteous way, but as a quiet practice. I don’t want to turn my past into a story where I’m the hero or the helpless. I want to see it clearly.

I’ve struggled in so many ways—emotionally, financially, spiritually. I’ve suffered through losses I couldn’t control and some I helped create. But I have to constantly stay mindful of my point of view. How I frame my life matters. Am I seeing it through the lens of powerlessness? Or am I recognizing my part, owning it, and doing what I can from here?

Finding that balance isn’t easy. I fall out of it regularly. But I return to it again and again: I will not be a victim. I have the power to respond—not perfectly, but consciously.

Learning to Live With, Not Against, My Mistakes

I carry those memories not because I want to but because I’ve learned that regret has something to teach me. It’s not just a burden. It’s a mirror. And if I look at it with clear eyes, it shows me who I’ve become.

I’ve also learned that some mistakes don’t go away. They live in your bones. People say, “Let go of the past,” and I believe that’s a worthy aim. It’s consistent with the Four Noble Truths in Buddhism: suffering comes from clinging, and peace comes from release. But maybe some memories are meant to be carried—not as punishment, but as reminders.

Despite my tendency toward impostor syndrome—the whisper that I’m not wise enough, not healed enough, not even worthy of writing this—I know this much: I am learning to live with my mistakes rather than against them.

I no longer believe healing means erasing the past. I think it means letting it breathe. Letting it soften. Letting it speak—not to shame you, but to show you where the heart finally opened.

Sometimes I wonder—how could I have missed so much?

I don’t mean that I lacked intelligence. I mean I was often distracted. Caught up in my own ego, my longings, my fears. Sometimes I look back and shake my head, wondering how I didn’t see what was right in front of me. Not just once, but again and again.

There’s that old saying: Youth is wasted on the young. Maybe there’s a sharper version of that—Youth is wasted on the non-mindful. I see now how many years I spent reacting instead of reflecting, chasing instead of listening, trying to prove something instead of just being present.

And yet, maybe this is how it works. Maybe it’s necessary to go through the valley of mistakes before we can rise into any meaningful self-awareness. Maybe the errors—the cringeworthy ones, the silent ones, the ones we’ll never fully explain—are the curriculum.

Still, I have doubts.

Is mindful growth real? Or are we always just half-blind and half-deaf, hoping we’ve finally gotten it, only to be proven wrong again later?

Sometimes I think I’ve evolved. Other times I realize I’m repeating the same old pattern, just in more subtle ways. And yet… there’s something different now. A deeper pause. A longer breath. A willingness to admit I don’t know, and to stay in the discomfort.

Maybe that’s what growth really looks like—not certainty, but humility.

No, I wasn’t stupid. I was learning. I still am.

When the Weight Is Too Much

And then, just when I think I’ve made peace with the past, something happens that shakes me again.

This morning, I learned that someone I’ve known since high school—an artist and surfer, quiet and soulful—jumped off a cliff to his death.

It was the same spot where he first learned to surf, first fell in love with the sea, maybe even first became himself. A place filled with memory. And maybe, pain. Maybe too much.

We weren’t especially close, but I respected him. His art. His quiet way of being in the world. And now he’s gone.

I don’t pretend to know what he was carrying. But I do know this: memory is powerful. Returning to it can heal us, or it can crush us. Sometimes both.

So I write this with no judgment. Only sadness. And the reminder that what we carry matters. That being kind—to others and to ourselves—is no small thing. That sometimes the strongest thing we can do is stay.

What I Know Now

So what have I learned?

I’ve learned that tenderness outlasts thrill. That presence matters more than persuasion. That a goodbye spoken with kindness is better than a door closed in silence. I’ve learned that some apologies come too late for anyone else to hear—but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say them.

I’ve learned that showing up—however imperfectly—is always better than disappearing.

And I’ve learned that even now, even at this point in life, I can still choose how I respond. I can meet the past with compassion. I can meet this moment with clarity.

To the ones I left too soon… to the people I failed to thank, or hear, or stand beside… to the ones I loved imperfectly but truly… here is what I can say:

I see it now. I wish I’d done better. I’m sorry. I’m still learning.

And I’m still here—still trying, still growing, still becoming the person I hope to be.

And if you’re reading this, carrying your own memories, your own regrets, know this: you’re not alone. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to keep showing up. That’s what I’m trying to do, too.

About Tony Collins

Tony Collins is a documentary filmmaker, educator, and writer whose work explores creativity, caregiving, and personal growth. He is the author of: Windows to the Sea—a moving collection of essays on love, loss, and presence. Creative Scholarship—a guide for educators and artists rethinking how creative work is valued. Tony writes to reflect on what matters—and to help others feel less alone.

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“If only…” Those two words paired together create one of the saddest phrases in the English language.

Today is my late grandfather’s birthday. He was a great man and he would have been 101. So I want to acknowledge him right now by re-sharing a bittersweet story with you — a story that continues to remind me to acknowledge myself, and what matters most in life.

In the final decade of his life, my grandfather woke up every single day at 7am, picked a fresh wild flower on his morning walk, and took it to my grandmother. One morning I decided to go with him to see her. And as he placed the flower on her gravestone, he looked up at me and said, “I just wish I had picked her a fresh flower every morning when she was alive. She really would have loved that.”

As you can imagine, my grandfather’s words touched a nerve in me. And over the years I’ve often reflected on what he said that morning, and how his sentiment relates to everyone and everything I care about. God willing, in 20 years when I’m nearing 70, I don’t want to sit with unnecessary regrets. I don’t want to wish I had done things differently, especially something as simple and meaningful as picking wild flowers for the love of my life. Don’t you agree?

Regardless of your age or where you are in your life right now, perhaps you will generally resonate with my thoughts here – some key things I don’t want to regret later in life…

1. Spending too little time with the right people. – Sooner or later you just want to be around the people who make you smile. So today, spend time with those who help you love yourself more. And remember, the people you take for granted today may be the only ones you need tomorrow. Never be too busy to make time for those who matter most (even if it’s just a quick phone call or a text).
2. Not making your loved ones smile more often. – One of the most beautiful things is to see a person you love smile, and even more beautiful is knowing that you are the reason behind it.
3. Not saying what you need to say. – Don’t hide your kind thoughts and feelings, especially when you can make a difference. Say what needs to be said. If you care about someone, tell them. Hearts are sometimes broken by the words we leave unspoken.
4. Constantly comparing yourself to everyone else. – Don’t compare your progress in life with that of others. We all need our own time to travel our own distance. It’s great to be different. The only person you should try to be better than right now, is the person you were yesterday. Prove yourself to yourself, not others.
5. Ignoring your intuition for too long. – Sometimes your mind needs more time to accept what your heart already knows. Breathe. Be a witness, not a judge. Listen to your intuition.
6. Letting others talk you out of your dreams. – Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be? Let that question sink in deep. Be true to yourself.
7. Collecting more excuses than you can count. – If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse. Truly, some people wait all day for 5pm, all week for Friday, all year for the holidays, all their lives for happiness. Don’t be one of them. Life is too short. Time is flying. Don’t wait until your life is almost over to realize how good it has been, or how much potential is within you. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail within the Success chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy Successful People Do Differently“.)
8. Not taking on enough calculated risks. – Don’t be afraid to move out of your comfort zone. My grandfather told me that some of his best life experiences and opportunities came to him only after he dared to lose.
9. Letting certain people walk all over you, again and again. – Never allow someone to be your daily priority while allowing yourself to be their option. Set boundaries, and distance yourself from anyone who continually robs you of peace and joy. Life is too short to waste on people who abuse and bully you.
10. Not helping others enough. – If you have a lot, give your wealth. If you have a little, give your heart. Just give what you can when you are able. No one has ever become poor by giving and lifting others up.
11. Letting your health go. – Your body is the only place you will truly ever live. If you’re lucky enough to have a body that’s in good health, be wise enough to keep it that way.
12. Not appreciating what you have when you have it. – When life is good, enjoy it. Don’t go looking for something better. Happiness never comes to those who don’t appreciate what they have. You must be willing to loosen your grip on the life you have planned so you can enjoy the life that is waiting for you now. Remind yourself: You did not go to sleep hungry last night. You had a choice of what to wear today. You have access to clean drinking water. You have access to the internet. You can read. The secret to being grateful is no secret. You choose to be grateful, for the little things.
13. Never admitting and growing beyond your mistakes. – You can learn great things from your mistakes when you aren’t busy denying them.
14. Time spent on impressing the wrong people. – Be kind to everyone, yes, but realize that not everyone will appreciate what you do for them. You have to figure out who’s worth your daily attention and who’s just taking advantage of you. Spend more time with those who make you smile and less time with those who you constantly feel pressured to impress.
15. Lots of drama and needless arguments. – Life is too short to argue and fight. Count your blessings, value the people who matter and move on from the drama with your head held high.
16. Letting a grudge hurt your inner peace. – Let it go. Grudges are a waste of peace and happiness. Holding one tightly is like letting unwanted company live rent free in your head.
17. Getting stuck in the trap of consumerism. – Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t need, to impress folks they don’t even know. Don’t be one of them. (Read “The Total Money Makeover”.)
18. Forcing what’s not meant to be. – Never force anything. Do your best, then let it go. Don’t hold yourself down with things you can’t control. Sometimes you have to stop worrying, wondering, and doubting. Have faith that things will work out, maybe not how you planned, but just how it’s meant to be.
19. Resisting change instead of rolling with it. – You’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or a week ago. You’re always growing. Life is evolving. Flow with it.
20. Talking the talk, but never walking the walk. – When it’s all said and done, be sure you haven’t said more than you’ve done. Remind yourself, again and again, that your daily actions always speak louder than your words. So work hard in silence today, and let your success be your noise in the end.

But what if you already have regrets?

Marc and I have mentioned this in previous articles, but I figured it was worth reiterating here because regrets sometimes sneak up on us. As alluring as the idea of living a regret-free life sounds, it’s rarely an easy feat. Oftentimes before we even realize it, our minds are dwelling on missed opportunities and mistakes.

Yes, even when we know better we regret things. And we do so simply because we worry that we should have made different decisions in the past. We should have done a better job, but didn’t. We should have given a relationship another chance, but didn’t. We should have started that business, but didn’t. We compare the real outcomes of our past decisions to an ideal fantasy of how things “should” be.

The problem of course is that we can’t change our past decisions, because we can’t change the past. Yet we resist this truth to no end — we keep over-analyzing and comparing the unchangeable past reality to our ideal fantasy until we’ve wasted days of our lives in utter misery.

But why?

If we logically know better, why can’t we just let all our ideals and fantasies GO?

Because we identify personally with these ideals and fantasies. We all have this vision in our minds of who we are — our great intentions, our intelligence, our social impact, etc. Even if you struggle with certain self-esteem issues, you probably still identify with yourself as being a decent and respectful human being. And so when someone says something about us that contradicts the vision of ourselves that we identify with — when they insult our intentions, our intelligence, our status, etc. — we take offense. We feel personally attacked and we have a hard time letting it go.

Something very similar happens when we believe we did something — made a mistake for example — that contradicts that same vision of ourselves that we identify with. We take offense! And in some cases we implode on ourselves — we berate ourselves for making the mistake. “How could I have done this?” we think. “Why couldn’t I have been smarter and made a better decision?” And again, we have a hard time letting it go — we have a hard time coming to grips with the fact that we aren’t always as good as the vision we have of ourselves.

So in a nutshell, our ideals and fantasies about ourselves tend to cause us lots of misery.

The key is to gradually practice letting go of these ideals and fantasies, and focus instead on making the best of your present reality. The truth must be embraced…

• Every bad decision we made in the past is done — none of them can be changed. And in fact there’s some good in every one of those bad decisions too, if we choose to see it. Just being able to make a decision at all is a gift, as is being able to wake up in the morning, and being able to learn and grow from our wide-ranging life experiences.
• We are not actually what we envision ourselves to be, at least not always. We are human and therefore we are multi-layered and imperfect. We do great things, and we make mistakes. We give back, and we are selfish sometimes. Even when we are doing our absolute best, we are prone to errors in judgment. And once we embrace this and get comfortable with our humanness, making a bad decision tends to conflict a lot less with our new, more flexible (and more accurate) vision of ourselves.

Of course, all of this is easier said than done, but whenever you find yourself regretting a past decision, you can 1) acknowledge that you’re falling into this pattern, 2) realize that there’s some ideal or fantasy you’re comparing your decisions or yourself to, and 3) gradually let go of this ideal or fantasy by making peace with what’s behind you, so you can focus more on what’s directly in front of you.

Now it’s your turn…

I challenge you to put the reminders in this article to good use. And I challenge you to give yourself some credit right now for the fact that you’re already doing a pretty good job with at least some of the 20 points above…

Yes, let’s flip the concept of this article around for a second, and instead of sharing something you don’t want to regret down the road, tell me this:

What have you done lately that you know you will NOT regret down the road?

Please leave a comment below.

We don’t realize how often we hold ourselves back by holding on to everything.

Letting go is not giving up. Letting go is surrendering any needless attachments to particular outcomes and situations. Surrender means showing up in your life with the intention to be your best, and to do the best you know how, without expecting life to be ideal. Have goals, have dreams, take purposeful action, and build solid relationships, but detach from what life must look like every step of the way.

The energy of someone aspiring to create something wonderful today, teamed with a healthy balance of surrender, is far more effective than someone determined to create outcomes with a desperate must-have mentality. Surrender brings inner calmness, awareness, and understanding. And lest we forget that our outer lives are a reflection of our inner state of being.

Thus, take a moment to remind yourself of some heavy things most of us attach to long after it’s time to let go, so you can loosen your grip on them as you move forward today…

1. The expectation of how things “should” be.

Try to use frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you today. You are in control of the way you look at life. Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remember that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance. A small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, while the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. Where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt.

2. The way things once were.

You’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or even a week ago. You’re always learning and growing, and life is always evolving. Even though you can’t control everything that happens, you can control your attitude about what happens. And in doing so, you will gradually master change rather than allowing it to master you. So be humble today. Be teachable. The world is bigger than your view of the world. There’s always room for a fresh idea or a next step. But first you must accept the fact that things may never go back to how they used to be, and that this ending is really a new beginning.

3. Old mistakes and errors in judgment.

Forgive yourself for the bad decisions you’ve made in the past, for the times you lacked understanding, for the choices that accidentally hurt others and yourself. Forgive yourself, for being young and reckless. These are all vital lessons. And what matters most right now is your willingness to grow from them.

4. The need to control everything.

Be selective with your energy today. If you can fix a problem, fix it. If you can’t, then accept it and change your thoughts about it. Whatever you do, don’t attempt to invest more energy than you have, tripping over something behind you or something that only exists inside your head. Truth be told, some of the most powerful moments in life happen when you find the courage to let go of what can’t be changed. Because when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself — to grow beyond the unchangeable. And that changes everything.

5. Fantasies of a perfect path, or time to begin.

Too often we waste our time waiting for a path to appear, but it never does. Because we forget that paths are made by walking, not waiting. And we forget that there’s absolutely nothing about our present circumstances that prevents us from making progress again, one tiny step at a time.

6. The desire for quick and easy results.

Everything gets a bit hard and uncomfortable when it’s time to change. That’s just a part of the growth process. Things will get better, one step at a time. And keep in mind that your effort is never wasted, even when it leads to disappointing results. For it always makes you stronger, more educated, and more experienced. So when the going gets tough, be patient and keep going. Just because you are struggling does not mean you are failing. Every great success requires some kind of worthy struggle to get there.

7. Self-doubt.

Every difficult life situation can be an excuse for hopelessness or an opportunity for growth, depending on what you choose to do with it in the present. And in the midst of particularly hard days when I feel that I can’t endure, I try to remind myself that my track record for getting through hard days is 100% so far. The same is true for YOU. We have what it takes! (Note: Angel and I discuss this further in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

8. Daily relationships that make us feel less like ourselves.

Let others take you as you are, or not at all. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes. By being yourself you put something beautiful into the world that was not there before. And in the long run it’s wiser to lose someone over being who you are, than it is to keep them by being someone you’re not. Because it’s easier to fill an empty space in your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space inside yourself where YOU used to be.

9. Old life chapters that are still lingering half-open.

You’re going to mingle with a lot of people in your lifetime. You’re going to have first kisses you feel all the way down to your toes and think “Oh my gosh, I love him,” but really you just loved the kiss. You’re going to meet a friend you think you will know forever, but then something will change and you two will go your separate ways. You’re going to explore different parts of your life with different people who aren’t in it for the long haul, and that isn’t a bad thing. Life is a series of stories, and the way our stories intersect is remarkable. Sometimes people are in our lives for the whole story. Sometimes they are just a short chapter or two. It takes a brave person to know when that chapter is over, and then to turn the page. Be brave! Embrace your goodbyes, because almost every “goodbye” you receive in life sets you up for the next “hello.”

10. The belief that we always need more than we have.

We don’t always need more — we need appreciation. Because we often take for granted the very things that most deserve our attention and gratitude. How often do you pause to appreciate your life just the way it is? Look around right now, and be thankful… for your health, your family, your work, your comforts, your home. Nothing lasts forever. (Note: “The Good Morning Journal: Powerful Prompts & Reflections to Start Every Day” is a great tool for this kind of perspective shift.)

How to practice letting go if life tests you today.

Reflecting on the reminders above can be incredibly grounding, but what can you actively do to let go when the immediate tension inside you is spiraling?

Here’s a brief outline of some initial steps Angel and I personally take (and often recommend to our coaching clients and event attendees) to cope with the immediate tension that arises from disappointing outcomes in our lives:

• Acknowledge the tension inside you. — If you notice yourself getting angry and flustered, it’s a sign that you need to pause, take a deep breath, and practice the remaining steps.
• Resist the urge to act in haste. — The greatest harm comes whenever you act out of anger — actions that might include giving up too soon, consuming unhealthy substances, or even attacking someone else. So whenever you notice anger building up inside you, try not to take any form of destructive action. Instead, turn inward and mindfully assess whatever it is that’s arising.
• Sit with your feelings, and give them space. — Turn directly towards the tension you feel, and just be a witness. See it as something that’s passing through you, but is NOT YOU. It’s a feeling, a dark cloud passing across a vast sky, not a permanent fixture. Treat it that way. Instead of obsessing yourself with the dark cloud’s presence, try to broaden your perspective — give it the space it needs to pass. Sometimes you need a little distance to see things clearly again.
• Be OK with not knowing. — Now that you’ve given yourself some necessary space, tell yourself, “I don’t know why things are this way.” And be OK with this unknowing. Give yourself full permission to not have concrete answers in this moment. What would it be like to allow this moment to unfold without knowing? What is it like to not know what’s going on in the hearts and minds of others? What is it like to not know how to respond to life’s chaos? What is it like to be here right now, without jumping to conclusions?

The bottom line is that when life dishes you a harsh dose of reality, the best first steps involve sitting silently and witnessing the thoughts passing through you. Just witnessing at first, not interfering and not even judging, because by judging too rapidly you have lost the pure witness. The moment you rush to say, “this is absolutely terrible” or “things should be different,” you have already jumped head first into the chaos.

It takes practice to create a gap between the witnessing of thoughts and your response to them. Once the gap is there though, you are in for a great surprise — it becomes evident that you are not the thoughts themselves, nor the tension and chaos influencing them. You are the witness, a watcher, who’s capable of letting go, changing your mindset, and rising above the turmoil.

Now it’s your turn!

Yes it’s your turn to breathe deep, to be present, and to remind yourself that every day is a series of a million tiny miracles. So just do your best to see them today. See how inner peace comes with letting go of what you assume your journey is supposed to be like, and sincerely accepting it for everything that it is…

But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Which one of the points above resonated the most today?

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

Asking the right questions is the answer.

In a recent email newsletter I wrote, “Ease your mind today. Don’t think outside the box; think like there is no box.”

And to my surprise, 97 people quoted that line and responded with the same general question: “How?”

I’ve spent the morning thinking about how to answer their collective question in the most universal way possible, and I’ve decided that the simplest explanation I can give is this: Ask yourself better questions — questions that focus your thoughts and filter out the excess noise that’s been cluttering your mind.

The calming and healing power of a positive imagination is unleashed by constraining your focus. Constraints drive creativity and force mindful thinking. It may sound counterintuitive at first but, in a backwards way, you break out of the box by stepping into the right shackles.

And that’s exactly what the questions below can help you with — shackling the noise in your head by channeling your focus into meaningful thoughts and moments of self-refection. Let these questions shift your perspective and guide you forward…

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Please share the questions above with others who you think will benefit from them. And as always, please share your thoughts with Marc and me in the comments section below. If you’re up to it, we would love to read your response to the very first question:  In one sentence, who are you?

(Also note that many of these photo-illustrated questions were initially created for our sister site, Thought Questions, but since we rarely update that site anymore we decided to share the questions with you here. And finally, many of these questions have also been re-published in the guided journal, “The Good Morning Journal”.)
For photo credits please refer to ThoughtQuestions.com

There’s a big difference between empty fatigue and gratifying exhaustion. Life is too short not to focus more on what matters most.

Before you know it you will be asking, “How did it get so late so soon?” Perhaps you can already relate. So take time to reflect. Take time to realize what you want and need in the days and weeks ahead. Take time to take calculated risks. Take time to love, laugh, learn, cry, and forgive. Life is so much shorter than it often seems.

In our line of work we speak with people on a weekly basis who have been forced to ‘wake up’ to life’s fleeting nature. Consider these two small excerpts from people’s stories that we recently received in our email inbox (both are being shared with permission):

• “Earlier today, in what’s likely to be one of our final conversations, she told me her only regret was that she didn’t appreciate every year with the same passion and purpose that she has had in the last two years after she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. ‘I’ve accomplished so much recently,’ she said. ‘If I had only known, I would have started sooner.’”
• “This afternoon I was looking through an old Windows laptop that my dad used ten years ago before he died in a car accident. The laptop has been sitting around collecting dust at my mom’s house ever since. In a folder named ‘Video Project’ oddly placed at the root of the C: drive, I found a video file my dad made about a month before he died that my mom and I had never seen before. In the 15-minute video my dad talks about my mom and me, how grateful he is to be a part of our lives, and that he has no regrets at all about anything in his life — that he is totally at peace. He ended by saying, ‘I know you two might miss me someday since I’m the oldest, but please smile for me, because I’ve lived well…’”

These people’s stories are both inspiring and heartbreaking at the same time. And yet, they are incredibly common stories. Wake-up calls to life being short eventually ring true in every one of our lives, sometimes much sooner than we had expected. Which is precisely why Marc and I try to remind people to stop waiting. Now is the time to start learning, growing, and moving forward — so at the very least, you can rest free of regrets someday like the dad in the second story.

Remember, too many people wait all day for 5pm, all week for Friday, all year for the next holiday, all their lives for happiness… And YOU don’t have to be one of them! Don’t wait until your life is almost over to realize how good it has been, or how much potential you had literally every step of the way. It’s time to wake up and make the best of what’s right in front of you today.

Here are ten quick wake-up calls you need to receive, before it’s too late:

1. This moment is your real life.

Your real life is not between the moments of your birth and death. Your real life is between now and your next breath. The present — the here and now — is all the life you ever truly get. So practice living each moment in full, in kindness and peace, without fear or regret. And just do the best you can with what you have in this moment, because that’s all you can ever expect of anyone, including yourself. (Read “The Power of Now”.)

2. A lifetime isn’t very long.

Eighty years isn’t guaranteed. Many people get far less. Again, today is your life and you’ve got to fight for it! Fight for what’s right. Fight for what you believe in. Fight for what’s important to you. Fight for the people you love, and never forget to tell them how much they mean to you. Realize that right now you’re lucky because you still have a chance. So stop for a moment and think. Whatever you still need to do, start doing it today — take the next step. There are only so many tomorrows.

3. The sacrifices you make today will pay dividends in the future.

When it comes to working hard to achieve a dream — earning a degree, building a business, or any other personal achievement that takes time and commitment — one thing you have to ask yourself is: “Am I willing to live a few years of my life like many people won’t, so I can spend the better part of my life like many people can’t?” Let that sink in. May your dreams be bigger than your fears. May your actions speak louder than words. May your life preach louder than your lips… and may success be your noise in the end.

4. When you procrastinate you become a victim to yesterday.

Yes, procrastination holds you back. But when you are proactive and productive, it’s as if yesterday is a kind friend that helps take a load off your back. So do something right now that your future self will thank you for. Trust me, tomorrow you’ll be happy you started today. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the Success chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

5. Failures are often good lessons.

Good things come to those who still hope even though they’ve been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they’ve tasted failure, to those who still love even though they’ve been hurt. So give yourself grace, and grow from the situations that didn’t work out. Remind yourself that you can disappoint people and still be good enough. You can fail and still be smart, capable and talented. You can let people down and still be worthwhile and deserving of love and admiration. We all make mistakes sometimes. Take a deep breath. You are allowed to be human, and learn the way on the way.

6. You are your most valuable relationship.

Sometimes we try to show the world we are flawless in hopes that we will be liked and accepted by everyone, but we can’t please everyone and we shouldn’t try. The beauty of us lies in our vulnerability, our complex emotions, and our authentic imperfections. When we embrace who we are and decide to be authentic, instead of who we think others want us to be, we open ourselves up to real relationships, real opportunities, and real success. So nurture the relationship you have with yourself today. You are GOOD enough, SMART enough, FINE enough, and STRONG enough. You don’t need other people to validate you; you are already VALUABLE.

7. A person’s actions speak the truth.

You’re going to come across people in your life who say all the right words at all the right times, but in the end it’s their actions you should judge them by. So pay attention to what people do consistently. Their daily actions will tell you almost everything you need to know. And remember that today is too important to waste. Take good care of your personal boundaries and what you allow yourself to absorb from others. Count your blessings, value the people who truly matter — the ones whose actions match their words — and move on from the drama with your head held high.

8. Small acts of kindness can make the world a better place.

Just keep reminding yourself that everyone you see around you is a human being who dreams of something, fears something, loves someone, and has lost someone. And… just keep being kind. Kindness is the only investment that never fails in the long run. And wherever there is a human being, there’s an opportunity for kindness. Learn to give, even if it’s just a smile, not because you have too much, but because you understand there are so many others who feel like they have nothing at all.

9. Behind every beautiful life there has been some kind of worthwhile struggle.

You trip and you fall, you make mistakes and you fail, but you stand strong through it all — you live and you learn. You’re human, not perfect. You been wounded, not defeated. Think of what a priceless gift it is to grow through these experiences — to breathe, to think, to struggle, and to overcome challenges in the pursuit of the things you love. Yes, sometimes you will encounter heartache along the way, but that’s a small price to pay for immeasurable moments of love and joy. Which is why you must keep stepping forward even when it hurts, because you know the inner strength that has carried you this far can carry you the rest of the way.

10. Time and experience heals pain, and it can’t be rushed.

Recently, when Marc and I asked his 82-year-old dad about overcoming pain, this is how he explained it to us: Look at the circles below. The black circles represent our relative life experiences. Mine is larger because I am older and have experienced more in my lifetime. The smaller red circles represent a negative event in our lives. Assume we both experienced the same exact event, whatever the nature. Notice that the negative event circles are the same size for each of us; but also notice what percentage of the area they occupy in each of the black circles. Your negative event seems much larger to you because it is a greater percentage of your total life experiences. I am not diminishing the importance of this event; I simply have a different perspective on it. What you need to understand is that an overwhelmingly painful event in your life right now will one day be part of your much larger past and not nearly as significant as it seems.

Now it’s your turn…

Yes, it’s your turn to make the best of what’s in front of you! So I hope you will have an inspired day today, that you will dream boldly and dangerously, that you will make some progress that didn’t exist before you took action, that you will love and be loved in return, and that you will find the strength to accept and grow from the troubles you can’t change. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and wisdom in this world), that you will, when you must, be wise with your decisions, and that you will always be extra kind to yourself and others.

And please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this post. Your feedback is important to us. 

(Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.)

“Should I stay or should I go now?” Although the phrase brings to mind The Clash’s punk rock classic, it’s a weighty question for leaders contemplating a career move.

A record number of CEOs left their roles last year, according to the 2024 Global CEO Turnover report by Russell Reynolds Associates (RRA), a global leadership advisory firm. The analysis, which tracks CEO departures from 13 global indices, indicates 202 CEOs left their roles in 2024, up 9% from 2023.

RRA broadly attributes the global increase to investor activism and technological change, but it was also likely a deeply personal decision for each of those leaders. Whether you helm a worldwide powerhouse, a Main Street staple or a treasured family business, the decision to leave is influenced by a multitude of factors requiring careful consideration.

Engage in self-reflection

Ashwini Nadkarni, M.D., assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, says the decision to step down should come after a process of self-reflection.

“I think it’s helpful for leaders to ask themselves a set of questions to arrive at that conclusion and take some time to be thoughtful when they assess their decision,” she says. “Some important questions to ask oneself include…”

• How have I grown?
• What skills did I gain?
• What have I achieved?
• How have I contributed to other people’s development or success?
• Am I still professionally fulfilled in this position?

Nadkarni explains that those answers then must be weighed against the leader’s goals. If a leader is considering retirement, these answers could determine if they’ve accomplished all they hoped for during their career. If a leader is not considering retirement, but instead contemplating a career move, they must examine their answers and ask if their current position and company will enable them to continue growing and help others do the same.

“Leaders have to ask themselves, ‘Is there that space for me?’” Nadkarni says. “The other question that they have to ask themselves is, ‘Will my departure create space for others?’… There’s that tipping point where our growth compromises the growth of others.”

Nadkarni says it’s also important for a leader to consider how they’re handling the challenges of their position. What was once exciting and invigorating may now be exhausting and overwhelming.

“People can end up becoming increasingly cynical or experience emotional exhaustion, and so when that point comes, it’s a great time to hand over the role to somebody else because you know that they’ll apply a new energy,” she says.

Although every leader would prefer to exit on their own terms, sometimes external stressors lead to a departure. Nadkarni says if a leader is consistently receiving negative feedback, it may be time to make a change. Unexpected life events such as health problems or the death of a spouse can also require a person to leave a position.

Seek support

Even if all signs are pointing to resignation or retirement, it can still be a difficult transition, especially if it’s a long-held position or a role in a family business. Nadkarni says seeking support from friends and family, consulting with a career coach or seeking mental health support can help leaders reconcile their personal emotions and the company’s needs.

If a person is “not in a place of acceptance about the fact that the organization and the individual are moving in two different directions… to get to that place of acceptance, it probably requires some additional reflection,” she says.

Nadkarni acknowledges that leadership changes in family businesses can sometimes be especially stressful or intense due to the emotions that come into play with family dynamics.

“There are actually organizational psychiatrists and behavioral health specialists who specialize in that specific area of focus, where they consult families in that setting,” she says. “Seeking out advice from such a person who’s had that experience and expertise in those specific situations is important.”

Leave a legacy

As leaders prepare to leave a role, they may want to solidify their legacy to ensure their time spent was meaningful.

To do so, a leader should first identify their values, which will in turn define their sense of legacy. For example, many people value relationships within the business or visibility of specific projects or work, so Nadkarni advises shoring up those things in the months leading up to an exit.

“I think most people would probably agree that a legacy as a leader is certainly defined by your impact on your team and mentorship that you’ve had, the career advancement that you’ve facilitated for others,” she says. “Continuing to amplify that over time, I think that that is really critical.”

She says leaders can build on that outside their role and continue to share their expertise in their next professional chapter through consultant work, writing and teaching, or even “creating your own content platform for people or exploring things like social media as a way to offer that information.” She adds, “A lot of times people will move from a leadership role to teaching at a college.”

She also notes that many of the skills used at work are also needed in nonprofit organizations and can be shared through volunteer work.

Activate a plan

Nadkarni suggests, if the leader is leaving on their own terms, to allow at least a year for the exit process and transition to a successor. It’s important to allow enough time to talk to key stakeholders and help develop the incoming leadership team.

“Having those meetings and ensuring you have a good runway… that’s key,” she says.

Although the idea of leaving a leadership role can be overwhelming and the exit process can be exhausting, it’s best to be proactive. Otherwise, those Clash lyrics may come back to haunt you: “If I go there will be trouble, and if I stay it will be double.”

By planning ahead and working thoughtfully through the transition process, you will not only promote and facilitate the company’s next chapter but also blaze a new trail for yourself. 

Photo by Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com

“If only…” Those two words paired together create one of the saddest phrases in the English language.

Today is my late grandfather’s birthday. He was a great man and he would have been 101. So I want to acknowledge him right now by re-sharing a bittersweet story with you — a story that continues to remind me to acknowledge myself, and what matters most in life.

In the final decade of his life, my grandfather woke up every single day at 7am, picked a fresh wild flower on his morning walk, and took it to my grandmother. One morning I decided to go with him to see her. And as he placed the flower on her gravestone, he looked up at me and said, “I just wish I had picked her a fresh flower every morning when she was alive. She really would have loved that.”

As you can imagine, my grandfather’s words touched a nerve in me. And over the years I’ve often reflected on what he said that morning, and how his sentiment relates to everyone and everything I care about. God willing, in 20 years when I’m nearing 70, I don’t want to sit with unnecessary regrets. I don’t want to wish I had done things differently, especially something as simple and meaningful as picking wild flowers for the love of my life. Don’t you agree?

Regardless of your age or where you are in your life right now, perhaps you will generally resonate with my thoughts here – some key things I don’t want to regret later in life…

1. Spending too little time with the right people. – Sooner or later you just want to be around the people who make you smile. So today, spend time with those who help you love yourself more. And remember, the people you take for granted today may be the only ones you need tomorrow. Never be too busy to make time for those who matter most (even if it’s just a quick phone call or a text).
2. Not making your loved ones smile more often. – One of the most beautiful things is to see a person you love smile, and even more beautiful is knowing that you are the reason behind it.
3. Not saying what you need to say. – Don’t hide your kind thoughts and feelings, especially when you can make a difference. Say what needs to be said. If you care about someone, tell them. Hearts are sometimes broken by the words we leave unspoken.
4. Constantly comparing yourself to everyone else. – Don’t compare your progress in life with that of others. We all need our own time to travel our own distance. It’s great to be different. The only person you should try to be better than right now, is the person you were yesterday. Prove yourself to yourself, not others.
5. Ignoring your intuition for too long. – Sometimes your mind needs more time to accept what your heart already knows. Breathe. Be a witness, not a judge. Listen to your intuition.
6. Letting others talk you out of your dreams. – Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be? Let that question sink in deep. Be true to yourself.
7. Collecting more excuses than you can count. – If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse. Truly, some people wait all day for 5pm, all week for Friday, all year for the holidays, all their lives for happiness. Don’t be one of them. Life is too short. Time is flying. Don’t wait until your life is almost over to realize how good it has been, or how much potential is within you. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail within the Success chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy Successful People Do Differently“.)
8. Not taking on enough calculated risks. – Don’t be afraid to move out of your comfort zone. My grandfather told me that some of his best life experiences and opportunities came to him only after he dared to lose.
9. Letting certain people walk all over you, again and again. – Never allow someone to be your daily priority while allowing yourself to be their option. Set boundaries, and distance yourself from anyone who continually robs you of peace and joy. Life is too short to waste on people who abuse and bully you.
10. Not helping others enough. – If you have a lot, give your wealth. If you have a little, give your heart. Just give what you can when you are able. No one has ever become poor by giving and lifting others up.
11. Letting your health go. – Your body is the only place you will truly ever live. If you’re lucky enough to have a body that’s in good health, be wise enough to keep it that way.
12. Not appreciating what you have when you have it. – When life is good, enjoy it. Don’t go looking for something better. Happiness never comes to those who don’t appreciate what they have. You must be willing to loosen your grip on the life you have planned so you can enjoy the life that is waiting for you now. Remind yourself: You did not go to sleep hungry last night. You had a choice of what to wear today. You have access to clean drinking water. You have access to the internet. You can read. The secret to being grateful is no secret. You choose to be grateful, for the little things.
13. Never admitting and growing beyond your mistakes. – You can learn great things from your mistakes when you aren’t busy denying them.
14. Time spent on impressing the wrong people. – Be kind to everyone, yes, but realize that not everyone will appreciate what you do for them. You have to figure out who’s worth your daily attention and who’s just taking advantage of you. Spend more time with those who make you smile and less time with those who you constantly feel pressured to impress.
15. Lots of drama and needless arguments. – Life is too short to argue and fight. Count your blessings, value the people who matter and move on from the drama with your head held high.
16. Letting a grudge hurt your inner peace. – Let it go. Grudges are a waste of peace and happiness. Holding one tightly is like letting unwanted company live rent free in your head.
17. Getting stuck in the trap of consumerism. – Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t need, to impress folks they don’t even know. Don’t be one of them. (Read “The Total Money Makeover”.)
18. Forcing what’s not meant to be. – Never force anything. Do your best, then let it go. Don’t hold yourself down with things you can’t control. Sometimes you have to stop worrying, wondering, and doubting. Have faith that things will work out, maybe not how you planned, but just how it’s meant to be.
19. Resisting change instead of rolling with it. – You’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or a week ago. You’re always growing. Life is evolving. Flow with it.
20. Talking the talk, but never walking the walk. – When it’s all said and done, be sure you haven’t said more than you’ve done. Remind yourself, again and again, that your daily actions always speak louder than your words. So work hard in silence today, and let your success be your noise in the end.

But what if you already have regrets?

Marc and I have mentioned this in previous articles, but I figured it was worth reiterating here because regrets sometimes sneak up on us. As alluring as the idea of living a regret-free life sounds, it’s rarely an easy feat. Oftentimes before we even realize it, our minds are dwelling on missed opportunities and mistakes.

Yes, even when we know better we regret things. And we do so simply because we worry that we should have made different decisions in the past. We should have done a better job, but didn’t. We should have given a relationship another chance, but didn’t. We should have started that business, but didn’t. We compare the real outcomes of our past decisions to an ideal fantasy of how things “should” be.

The problem of course is that we can’t change our past decisions, because we can’t change the past. Yet we resist this truth to no end — we keep over-analyzing and comparing the unchangeable past reality to our ideal fantasy until we’ve wasted days of our lives in utter misery.

But why?

If we logically know better, why can’t we just let all our ideals and fantasies GO?

Because we identify personally with these ideals and fantasies. We all have this vision in our minds of who we are — our great intentions, our intelligence, our social impact, etc. Even if you struggle with certain self-esteem issues, you probably still identify with yourself as being a decent and respectful human being. And so when someone says something about us that contradicts the vision of ourselves that we identify with — when they insult our intentions, our intelligence, our status, etc. — we take offense. We feel personally attacked and we have a hard time letting it go.

Something very similar happens when we believe we did something — made a mistake for example — that contradicts that same vision of ourselves that we identify with. We take offense! And in some cases we implode on ourselves — we berate ourselves for making the mistake. “How could I have done this?” we think. “Why couldn’t I have been smarter and made a better decision?” And again, we have a hard time letting it go — we have a hard time coming to grips with the fact that we aren’t always as good as the vision we have of ourselves.

So in a nutshell, our ideals and fantasies about ourselves tend to cause us lots of misery.

The key is to gradually practice letting go of these ideals and fantasies, and focus instead on making the best of your present reality. The truth must be embraced…

• Every bad decision we made in the past is done — none of them can be changed. And in fact there’s some good in every one of those bad decisions too, if we choose to see it. Just being able to make a decision at all is a gift, as is being able to wake up in the morning, and being able to learn and grow from our wide-ranging life experiences.
• We are not actually what we envision ourselves to be, at least not always. We are human and therefore we are multi-layered and imperfect. We do great things, and we make mistakes. We give back, and we are selfish sometimes. Even when we are doing our absolute best, we are prone to errors in judgment. And once we embrace this and get comfortable with our humanness, making a bad decision tends to conflict a lot less with our new, more flexible (and more accurate) vision of ourselves.

Of course, all of this is easier said than done, but whenever you find yourself regretting a past decision, you can 1) acknowledge that you’re falling into this pattern, 2) realize that there’s some ideal or fantasy you’re comparing your decisions or yourself to, and 3) gradually let go of this ideal or fantasy by making peace with what’s behind you, so you can focus more on what’s directly in front of you.

Now it’s your turn…

I challenge you to put the reminders in this article to good use. And I challenge you to give yourself some credit right now for the fact that you’re already doing a pretty good job with at least some of the 30 points above…

Yes, let’s flip the concept of this article around for a second, and instead of sharing something you don’t want to regret down the road, tell me this:

What have you done lately that you know you will NOT regret down the road?