self-worth – Live Laugh Love Do

The Trauma Keeps Talking—But My Voice Is Now Louder

admin — Fri, 10 Oct 2025 16:53:34 +0000

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“Turn down the volume of your negative inner voice and create a nurturing inner voice to take its place.” ~Beverly Engel

After the abuse ends, people think the pain ends too. But what no one tells you is that sometimes the loudest voice isn’t the abuser’s anymore—it’s the one that settles inside you.

It whispers:

“You’re broken.”

“You’re used.”

“You don’t deserve better.”

And over time, that voice doesn’t just whisper. It becomes the rhythm of your thoughts, the lens through which you see yourself.

That’s what I mean when I say the trauma keeps talking.

Living with the Echo

In the months after my assault, I didn’t have words for what I was feeling. I just knew that every choice I made seemed to come from a place of damage.

I found myself in situations that felt eerily familiar—letting people use me, letting hands roam without question. I wasn’t saying “yes” because I wanted to; I was saying it because a voice inside had already decided I wasn’t worth more.

And to anyone watching from the outside, it might have looked like I was reckless. But inside, I was just tired. Tired of fighting a voice that seemed louder than mine.

Why We Stay Stuck

Trauma has this way of rewriting the script in our heads.

It convinces us that we’re not the same person anymore, that we’re tainted beyond repair. And because we believe that, we keep choosing situations that prove the voice right.

It’s not that we want to keep hurting ourselves. It’s that the part of us that knows we deserve better gets buried under layers of pain and self-blame.

I remember once thinking, “What’s the point of saying no?” I felt like I’d already lost the right to draw boundaries.

Looking back now, I realize that wasn’t me speaking. That was trauma—still in control.

The Turning Point

For me, things didn’t change overnight. There wasn’t a single moment when I woke up healed. But there was a moment when I got tired of losing to that voice.

I remember looking in the mirror and realizing, “If I keep going like this, the abuse wins forever—even without him here.”

That realization didn’t silence the trauma, but it gave me a reason to fight back.

I started doing small, almost invisible things to reclaim myself:

Saying “no” even when my voice shook.

Choosing one safe person to tell the truth to.

Permitting myself to stop—to pause—before walking into another cycle that would hurt me.

Each of those choices felt impossibly hard at the time. But with every pause, with every “no,” the voice of trauma got quieter.

Healing Is a Process, Not a Snap

I used to think healing meant waking up one day and feeling nothing.

Now I know healing means learning to talk louder than the trauma.

It means choosing—again and again—to believe a different story about yourself.

If this is where you are—if the trauma is still talking and you feel powerless to shut it up—I need you to know something:

You can stop. You can pause. You can turn around.

Not for anyone else—for you. For your peace. Your sanity. Your healing.

What I Want You to Remember

I won’t insult you by saying, “Just snap out of it.” That’s not how this works.

But I will tell you that one pause, one moment of reclaiming yourself, can change everything.

It’s not easy, I know. But it’s possible. And it’s worth it.

You deserve better than pain on repeat. You deserve to be more than what was done to you.

If you’re reading this and the trauma is still talking, please hear this from someone who’s been there:

The voice isn’t you. You’re still here. And you’re allowed to fight for a story where the abuse doesn’t win.

I may not have all the answers, but I know the terrain of this road—the stops, the setbacks, the slow turning around. And I want to walk it with you, one better choice at a time.

Because healing isn’t out of reach. You just have to start talking louder than the trauma.

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1 Great Wake-Up Call for All Those Days When You Don’t Feel “Good Enough”

admin — Mon, 29 Sep 2025 19:21:28 +0000

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Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is simply believing you’re worthy of the trip.

“Life hasn’t been the easiest on me lately. I won’t get into all the details now, but the tough times I’ve been living through have left me with many cracks. And although I’ve still managed to be a reasonably successful person, on most days I struggle desperately with my self-confidence. I just don’t feel good enough. I feel flawed. I feel like my cracks make me undesirable…”

Those are the opening lines of an email I received recently from a new reader of our blog. I’m sharing that excerpt today, with permission, because Marc and I have spoken to hundreds of other readers, clients, and live event attendees over the past 15 years who struggle in a very similar way. In fact, almost all of us struggle with not feeling “good enough” at various points throughout our lives.

If you can relate right now — if today is one of those days — it’s time for a quick wake-up call and story about life:

We all have a few cracks.

Once upon a time there was an elderly woman who needed to walk down to the river every morning to fetch water for drinking, cooking and cleaning. She carried two buckets with her, filled them up at the riverbank, and walked back with them to her rural cottage home.

One of the buckets was newer, perfectly sealed, and held its water flawlessly. But the second bucket was older and contained a few thin cracks that would leak water onto the ground as the elderly woman walked. By the time she arrived home, typically about one third of the water in the second bucket had leaked through its cracks.

One day, on the walk down to the river, the cracked bucket — who had always felt like it wasn’t as good as the other bucket – said to the elderly woman, “I want you to know that I’ve been leaking water every morning for the past several years. I’m so sorry for being cracked and making your life more difficult. I understand if you need to replace me with a better bucket.”

The elderly woman smiled. “Do you really think I haven’t known about your cracks this whole time?” she asked. “Look at all the beautiful flowers that grow on the path from my cottage to the river. I planted their seeds, but every morning it’s you who does the watering.”

Remember:

Feeling good enough in life, in work, in business, and in our relationships has everything to do with how we personally judge the cracks in our own bucket. Because we all have a few cracks!

But are they cracks that wreck us, that taint us, and that ruin our experience and desirability?

Or do our cracks water a trail of flowers we haven’t even stopped to appreciate?

Let this be your wake-up call!

Choose to see the flowers through the cracks in your own bucket — choose to see how it’s exactly those cracks that make you good enough — and your whole universe will shift!

Now it’s your turn…

Yes, it’s your turn to take a deep breath when you need one. Sometimes the pressure coming from peers, family, work, and society in general is enough to make us feel less than “good enough.” If we don’t have the “right” job, relationship, house, and so forth by a certain age or time frame, we assume we’re flawed — cracked! Again, Marc and I hear about this kind of self-defeating mindset from our clients, our students, and our readers/subscribers on a daily basis, and we aren’t immune either. Feeling good enough takes practice.

It’s time to practice!

But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this short story/essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

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When Someone You Love Shuts the Door

admin — Fri, 19 Sep 2025 02:46:46 +0000

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“It is one thing to lose people you love. It is another to lose yourself. That is a greater loss.” ~Donna Goddard

We didn’t mean to fall into anything romantic. It started as friendship, collaboration, long voice notes about work, life, trauma, and healing. We helped each other solve problems. We gave each other pep talks before difficult meetings. He liked to say I had good instincts; I told him he had grit.

We shared vulnerabilities like flashlights in the dark—he told me about getting into fights, going to jail, losing jobs because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. I shared about growing up in a home with yelling, hitting, and silence, and how I used to chase validation in relationships just to feel seen. Somewhere in there, something sparked.

By early May, the friendship shifted. There was a night we were sitting together, talking about emotional sobriety, when I felt it: the weight of his gaze, the stillness between us. We kissed. And then we didn’t stop. I didn’t expect it, but I also didn’t resist it. It felt natural, like picking up a conversation we didn’t realize we’d already started.

But like many things built on intensity, it became complicated fast.

He opened up about wanting to explore something sexually that I couldn’t. It may have felt like shame to him, but that wasn’t my intention—I was simply clear: I wouldn’t feel safe there. He was hurt. Said I’d stepped on his vulnerability. And I didn’t respond perfectly. I froze. That’s what I do when I feel pressure or threat. I don’t yell or lash out—I go quiet, retreat inward, try to understand what’s happening before I respond.

Still, I thought we’d moved past it. I gave him space while traveling, and when we reconnected, he told me he was in love with me. That he accepted my situation. That it was worth it. That he’d be patient.

So I met him in the middle. I softened. I opened a little more.

He was a recovering alcoholic—sober for nearly nineteen years. He had wrecked two long-term relationships in the past, he told me. He’d been arrested multiple times, fired for outbursts, and said he was trying to do better now. I believed him. I saw the way he loved his dog training clients, how he was trying to build something on his own terms.

I shared my own journey—how I’d sought approval in the arms of others when I felt dismissed or invisible in my marriage. How I went to SLAA and learned to sit with my feelings instead of running from them. How I founded a company, Geri-Gadgets, inspired by caring for my mom during her dementia journey. He understood the grief of losing a parent slowly. His mom had dementia too. We bonded over what that does to you—how it softens certain edges while sharpening others.

We had history, shared values, hard-earned wisdom. That’s why I was so unprepared for how it ended.

It started with a question. I asked him what I should wear to dinner with his sister and brother-in-law after a meeting we were attending together. He responded by sending me a photo of a woman in a short leather outfit, over-the-knee stiletto boots, and a dominatrix pose.

I stared at the image, confused. Was it a joke? A test? A dig? Given my past—the abuse, the trauma, the very clear boundaries I’d communicated—I didn’t find it funny. I felt dismissed. Mocked, even. I made a comment about the woman’s body, not because I cared, but because I was triggered. Because I didn’t know how to say, This hurts me.

That set off a chain reaction.

We were supposed to be working on something together—a potential hire for his business—but the conversation turned tense. I felt myself shutting down. I needed time to process. I called to talk, to break through the tension with an actual voice, but he wouldn’t answer. He refused to talk to me—until he’d already decided to be done.

By the time we finally spoke, it was over. He’d already shut the door. The ending didn’t come in one moment—it came in his silence, his refusal to engage when I needed him to. It came when vulnerability met a wall.

This kind of ending triggers old wounds. The kind that taught me to freeze when someone withdraws love. The kind that makes me overfunction to earn back safety.

I was the child who was hit and then ignored. My father would scream and slam a strap against my legs, then bury his head in the newspaper and pretend I didn’t exist. Those are the things that shape a nervous system. Those are the stories we carry into adulthood, whether we want to or not.

In past relationships, I chased. I made excuses. I convinced myself it was my fault. I’d think: If only I were more accommodating… less sensitive… sexier, smarter, cooler… maybe they’d stay. But not this time.

This time, I sat with the ache. I let it wash over me. I didn’t rush to fix it or fill it. I didn’t reach out. I didn’t beg for clarity or closure. I cried. I journaled. I went to meetings. I talked to trusted friends. I worked. I kept my boundaries intact.

Because here’s what I’ve learned: I am worth calm. I am worth communication that doesn’t punish. I am worth someone who doesn’t confuse intensity with depth.

He said I pivoted. But what he saw as inconsistency was actually growth. I was honoring a boundary. I wasn’t trying to wound him—I was trying to protect myself. And yes, sometimes that looks messy. Sometimes healing doesn’t come in a neat package with perfect communication and the right amount of eye contact. Sometimes it means making the best decision you can in real time with the nervous system you have.

I had let him in. I trusted him with my story, my body, my boundaries. I showed up with care and effort and consistency. But I can’t control how someone receives me. I can only control how I respond when they shut the door.

And this time, I didn’t run after it. I let it close. Gently, painfully, finally.

Losing him hurt. But losing myself again would’ve hurt more.

If you opened yourself up to someone and they rejected you, remember it’s not a reflection of your worth. And sometimes when someone walks away, it’s for the best if them staying would have meant you abandoning yourself.

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6 Sensible Reasons to Stop Proving Yourself to Everyone Else

admin — Tue, 26 Aug 2025 15:47:22 +0000

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Embrace who you are, and revel in it.

Sometimes we try to show the world we’re flawless in hopes that we will be liked and accepted by everyone. But we can’t please everyone and we shouldn’t try. Take this to heart. You won’t find your worth in someone else’s approval — you find it within yourself, and then you attract those who are worthy of your energy. Because when you embrace who you are and decide to be authentic, instead of who you think others want you to be, all the new doors that open in your life will be opening for the right reasons.

So just remind yourself that there’s no need to put on an act today. There’s no need to pretend to be someone you’re not. You have nothing to continuously prove. And if you catch yourself doing so, remind yourself…

1. It’s important to honor your own needs and boundaries.

When you run into someone who discredits you, disrespects you, or treats you poorly for no apparent reason at all, don’t consume yourself with trying to change them or win their approval. And be sure not to leave any space in your heart to hate them. Simply give yourself some healthy space and let karma deal with the things they say and do, because any bit of time you spend on these people will be wasted, and any bit of hate and aggravation in your heart will only hurt you in the end.

Truth be told, some people will always tell you what you did wrong, and then hesitate to compliment you for what you did right. Don’t be one of them, and don’t allow these people to constantly drain your energy and joy. Remember that distancing yourself from people who give you negative vibes or unhealthy energy is self-care. Stepping back from situations where you feel unappreciated or disrespected is self-care. Choose to honor your needs and boundaries, respectfully.

2. The people truly worth impressing want you to be yourself.

In the long run it’s better to be loathed for who you are than loved for who you are not. In fact, the relationships that often work well in the long run are the ones that make you a better person without changing you into someone other than yourself, and without preventing you from outgrowing the person you used to be. So let others take you as you are, or not at all. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes!

By being true to yourself, you put something breathtaking into the world that was not there before. You are stunning when your passion and strength shines through as you follow your own path — when you aren’t distracted by the opinions of others. You are powerful when you let your mistakes educate you, and your confidence builds from firsthand experiences — when you know you can fall down, pick yourself up, and move forward without asking for anyone else’s permission.

Bottom line: Don’t change just so people will like you; keep learning, growing, and nurturing your best self, and pretty soon the right people will love the real you.

3. You are the primary person who can change your life.

In every situation you have ever been in, positive or negative, the one common thread is you. It is your responsibility, and yours alone, to recognize that regardless of what has happened up to this point in your life, you are capable of making choices to change your situation, or to change the way you think about it. Don’t let the opinions of others interfere with this prevailing truth.

What you’re capable of achieving is not a function of what other people think is possible for you. What you’re capable of achieving depends primarily on what you choose to do with your time and energy. So stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. Just keep doing your thing. The only people that will fault you for doing so are those who want you to live a lie.

4. Society’s common measurements of worth are flawed.

When you find yourself trapped between what moves you and what society tells you is right for you, always travel the route that makes you feel alive, unless you want everyone to be happy, except you. Seriously, no matter where life takes you, big cities or small towns, you will inevitably come across others who think they know what’s best for you — people who think they’re better than you — people who think happiness, success and beauty mean the same things to everyone…

They’ll try to measure your worth based on what you have, instead of who you are. But you know better than that — material things don’t matter. Don’t just chase the money. Catch up to the ideas and activities that make you come alive. Go for the things of greater value — the things money can’t buy. What matters is having strength of character, an honest heart, and a sense of self-worth. If you’re lucky enough to have any of these things, never sell them. Never sell yourself short! (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the Self-Love and Simplicity chapters of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

5. Life isn’t a race against anyone else.

Everyone wants to get there first and shout, “Look at me! Look at me!” But the truth is, most of your happiness and growth occurs while you’re moving, not while you’re standing at the finish line. So remind yourself as often as necessary that you are not behind. You are where you need to be. Don’t judge or berate yourself for how long your journey is taking. We all need our own time to travel our own distance.

And don’t overwhelm yourself. Remember that you can’t lift a thousand pounds all at once, yet you can easily lift one pound a thousand times. Small, repeated efforts will get you there…

Work hard. Rest well. Learn to disconnect. Engage in self-care. In the marathon of life, the key is learning to be mindful and pace yourself.

6. The path to success often passes through failure.

You are an ever-changing work in progress. You don’t have to always be right, you just have to not be too worried about being wrong. Screwing up is part of the process. Not getting approval, or not even looking the part sometimes, is the only way forward. If you try too hard to impress everyone with your “perfection,” you will stunt your growth! You will spend all your time faking it and looking a certain way, instead of growing up and living a certain way.

Truly, it’s impossible to live without failing sometimes, unless you live so cautiously that you aren’t really living at all, you’re merely existing. And if you’re too afraid of failing in front of others, you can’t possibly do what needs to be done to be successful in your own eyes. You have to remember that it doesn’t matter how many times you fail or how messy your journey is, so long as you do not stop taking small steps forward. In the end, those who don’t care that failure is inevitable are the ones that make gradual progress. And YOU can be one of them this year.

Now is the time — it’s your turn!

Yes, it’s your turn to stop proving yourself to everyone else, because you don’t need a standing ovation or a bestseller or a promotion or a million bucks. You are enough right now! You have nothing else to prove. Care less about who you are to others and more about who you are to yourself. I promise you will have less heartaches and disappointments the minute you stop seeking from others the validation only YOU can give yourself.

But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Which one of the points above resonated the most today?

Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

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20 Things to Remember About Handling Rejection with Grace

admin — Tue, 12 Aug 2025 19:41:10 +0000

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Be OK with walking away. Rejection teaches you how to reject what’s not right for you.

As you look back on your life, you will realize that many of the times you thought you were being rejected by someone or something you wanted, you were in fact being redirected to someone or something you needed. Seeing this when you’re in the midst of feeling rejected, however, is quite tough. I know because I’ve been there…

As soon as someone critiques, criticizes, and pushes you away — as soon as you are rejected — you find yourself thinking, “Well, that proves once again that I’m not worthy.” What you need to realize is, the other person or situation is not worthy of you and your particular journey.

Rejection is oftentimes necessary medicine; it teaches you how to let go of relationships and opportunities that aren’t going to work, so that you can find the right ones that will. It doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough; it just means someone else failed to notice what you have to offer. Which means you now have more time to improve yourself and explore your options.

Will you be bitter for a moment? Absolutely. Hurt? Of course — you’re human. There isn’t a soul on this planet that doesn’t feel a small fraction of their heart break at the realization of rejection. For a short time afterward you will ask yourself every question you can think of:

What did I do wrong?
Why didn’t they care about me?
How come?

But then you have to let your emotions fuel you in a positive way. This is the important part. Let your feelings of rejection drive you, feed you, and inspire you to turn a new page in your life.

Honestly, if you constantly feel like someone is not treating you with respect, check your price tag. Perhaps you’ve subconsciously marked yourself down. Because it’s you who gradually tells others what you’re worth by showing them what you’re willing to accept for your time and attention on a daily basis. So get off the clearance rack! And I mean right NOW! If you don’t value and respect yourself, with grace, no one else will either.

I know it’s hard to accept sometimes, but think about it: All too often we let the rejections of our past dictate the moves we make in the present. We literally do not know ourselves to be any better than what some intolerant person or isolated circumstance once told us was true. It’s time to realize this and squash the subconscious idea that we don’t deserve any better!

So do your best to remember that…

1. Taking a few steps back can be healing.

The person you liked, loved or respected in the past, who treated you like dirt again and again, probably has nothing intellectually or spiritually to offer you in the present moment, but more headaches and heartache.

2. It’s necessary to accept the things that can’t be changed.

One of the most rewarding and important moments in life is when you finally find the strength and courage to let go of what you can’t change, like someone else’s behavior or decisions.

3. It’s not the end of the world.

No, it’s really not the end — it’s never the end of the world — and yet rejection can make the loss of someone or something you weren’t even that crazy about feel gut-wrenching and world-ending.

4. Some things simply aren’t meant to be.

There’s a time and place for everything, and every step is necessary. You will never miss out on what is truly meant for you, even if it has to come to you in a roundabout way. So stay focused and be positive about the next step. Just keep doing your best right now, and don’t force what’s not yet supposed to fit into your life.

5. Sometimes you have to fall down to move up in life.

Life ebbs and flows, and sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand up taller and emotionally stronger than you ever were before. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

6. There is a gift hidden in most rejections.

When you lose someone or something, try not to think of it as a loss, but as a gift that lightens your load so that you can better travel the path meant for you.

7. There are more great opportunities coming your way.

Life and God both have greater plans for you that don’t involve crying at night or believing that you’re broken. You are not! Eventually you will end up where you need to be, doing the right things, alongside the right people. Patience is the key. And remember, patience is not about waiting, it’s the ability to maintain a positive outlook right now while you gradually move forward to explore the opportunities in front of you.

8. You are worthy of so much more.

Sometimes people don’t notice the things we do for them until we stop doing them. And sometimes the more chances you give, the more respect you lose. Enough is enough! Perhaps it’s not rejection that’s the problem, but the fact that your boundaries were set too low. Never let people get comfortable with disrespecting you. You deserve better. You deserve to be with those who make you smile, those who don’t take you for granted, those who don’t constantly leave you hanging.

9. You don’t need any more closure to move forward.

Some chapters in our lives have to close without closure. There’s no point in losing yourself by trying to fix what’s meant to stay broken.

10. You have the power to not let them get to you.

Inner peace begins the moment you take a deep breath and choose not to allow another person or event to dominate your thoughts. You are not what happened to you. You are what you choose to become in this moment. Let go, breathe, and begin again.

11. It’s rarely as personal as it feels.

You really can’t take things other people say about you too personally. Most of what they think and say is a reflection of them, not of you. And remember that you simply don’t need to attend every argument you’re invited to, especially when your sense of self-worth is on the line.

12. Most people don’t know you well enough to judge you fairly.

Ninety-nine percent of the rejections you receive from people aren’t actually that important in the grand scheme of things, because most people don’t even know you that well. So don’t let their opinions conquer you. Seriously, most of us do not understand how much potential we have — we limit ourselves to the level someone else told us was possible.

13. You can build yourself up with this experience.

In life, some people are always going to throw bricks at other people, and those with the strength to succeed in the long run are usually the ones who build themselves up with the bricks others have thrown at them.

14. You are more resilient than you give yourself credit for.

Let your scars remind you that the surface level damage someone has inflicted on you has left you smarter and more resilient. When you look back on those scars, don’t think of the pain you felt; think of the strength you gained, and appreciate how far you’ve come. You’ve been through a lot, but you’ve grown a lot too. Give yourself credit for your resilience and step forward again with grace.

15. You are likely undervaluing your uniqueness right now.

Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are. Don’t be one of them. Dare to be yourself — your best and unique self — however awkward, different, or odd that self may prove to be to someone else.

16. Even though it’s hard right now, you’ve got this!

Comparing your situation too closely with others, or other people’s perceptions, only undermines your worth, your education, and your own inner wisdom. No one can handle your present situation better than you.

17. Putting your whole heart and soul into today’s tasks is key.

The more we fill our lives with genuine passion and purpose, the less time and energy we waste looking for approval from everyone else.

18. You are in control of the way you look at your situation.

You can use your struggles, frustrations, and rejections to motivate you rather than annoy you. Yes, you are in control of the way you look at life. (Note: Journaling is a great tool for fostering this kind of perspective shift — check out “The Good Morning Journal: Powerful Prompts & Reflections to Start Every Day”.)

19. Every storm eventually passes.

You may not be responsible for everything that happened to you in the past, or everything that’s happening to you right now, but you need to be responsible for undoing the thinking and behavioral patterns these uncontrollable circumstances try to create within you. So breathe deep and remind yourself that the most practical changes happen when you choose to take control of what you do have power over, instead of craving control of what you don’t. Again, it’s about letting go. Because you usually can’t calm the storm — what you can do is calm yourself and the storm will eventually pass.

20. Right now is truly a beginning.

Be strong enough to let go today, wise enough to move forward, diligent enough to work hard, and patient enough to wait for what you deserve. Practice accepting the fact that things will never again be what they once were, and that this ending is really an evolution, an transition… a new beginning that’s starting now.

It’s your turn…

Yes, it’s your turn to be a daily beacon of hope to yourself — to remind yourself that your worth isn’t contingent on other people’s acceptance of you. You’re allowed to be yourself. You’re allowed to make mistakes. You’re allowed to voice your thoughts and feelings. You’re allowed to assert your needs and enforce your boundaries. You’re allowed to hold on to the truth that who you are is more than enough. And you’re allowed to let go of situations in your life that obviously weren’t meant to be.

But before you go we would love to hear from YOU.

Which point mentioned above resonates with you the most right now?

Please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive two new articles like this in your inbox each week.

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1 Wake-Up Call You Need to Receive When You Think You’re Not “Good Enough”

admin — Sun, 27 Jul 2025 11:52:27 +0000

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Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is simply believing you’re worthy of the trip.

If you can relate right now — if today is one of those days — it’s time for a quick wake-up call and story about life:

We all have a few cracks.

Remember:

Feeling good enough in life, in work, in business, and in our relationships has everything to do with how we personally judge the cracks in our own bucket. Because we all have a few cracks!

But are they cracks that wreck us, that taint us, and that ruin our experience and desirability?

Or do our cracks water a trail of flowers we haven’t even stopped to appreciate?

Let this be your wake-up call!

Choose to see the flowers through the cracks in your own bucket — choose to see how it’s exactly those cracks that make you good enough — and your whole universe will shift!

Now it’s your turn…

It’s time to practice!

But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this short story/essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

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What Simplifying My Home Taught Me About Self-Worth

admin — Mon, 30 Jun 2025 21:24:23 +0000

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Seventeen years ago, I discovered minimalism. It took only a simple sentence from my neighbor to forever change my view of material possessions. This is what she said:

“That’s why my daughter is a minimalist. She keeps telling me I don’t need to own all this stuff.”

The statement came at the most ordinary time: I was cleaning out my garage on a Saturday afternoon.

And yet, the statement also came at the most perfect time: When my heart (and mind) was ready to receive it.

I had just spent the beautiful Saturday morning pulling dirty, dusty items out from my garage into the driveway. And I had done it all at the expense of my 5-year-old son, who was asking me to play catch with him in the backyard.

That was the day I realized all the possessions I had collected weren’t just not making me happy, they were distracting me from the very thing that did.

At first, simplifying my life was about owning less and clearing physical space. But cleared physical space quickly gave way to clearer mental space. And over time, I began to see other areas of my life where minimalist principles could be applied. Every area of life where distraction has taken us from our deepest values and passions becomes an opportunity to simplify.

Believe it or not, this post today is the 2,000th article published on Becoming Minimalist. That is 2.5 articles/week for the last 17 years.

Over the years, I have written much about the life lessons I have learned through minimalism. But as I reflect on my journey for this milestone article, all of the lessons lead to one truth that is perhaps the most important:

Our lives are too valuable to waste chasing and accumulating material possessions.

In fact, this may be the single most important truth I have learned and desire to communicate on Becoming Minimalist. I hope you will hear it today in your heart.

You see, minimalism didn’t just give me a cleaner garage, it changed how I viewed the entire world—and how I viewed my potential and opportunity.

Simplicity didn’t just give me my life back, it paved the pathway to live a fuller, deeper, and more purposeful life. Carrying less means we can travel further in the pursuit of our greatest dreams and ambitions.

Minimalism allows us to dream bigger dreams for our life. When distractions are removed, intentionality is found, self-growth is experienced, and self-worth grows.

Reflecting back, here are a few of the lessons I’ve learned and try to communicate regularly on this site. Each of them help us discover greater potential and a self-worth greater than material possessions:

1. The world will try to hijack your passion. Don’t let it.

We are all born with passions and talents inside us. And deep-down, a desire to serve and love. But the world has learned how to hijack that passion and direct it toward things that benefit someone else’s bottom line.

Marketers are skilled at convincing us that our energy should be spent buying what they are selling. And society sells a picture of success that mainly focuses on external indicators.

But your greatest passion isn’t for things that will be discarded in a few years. Nobody says their greatest goal in life is to just own as much clutter as they can. We were designed and created for something more.

Simplifying helped me see that and minimalism forced me to ask why I had accumulated so much. It is true that unhealthy motivations exist inside us and marketers are masterful at exploiting them. Don’t let them.

2. Comparison is a thief of joy and self-worth. Overcome it.

So much of our consumption is fueled by comparison. We see someone else’s lifestyle, wardrobe, car, house, or vacation—and we begin to desire it for ourselves. Jealousy and envy come quick, especially when we aren’t living intentionally with the resources that we do have.

But trying to live someone else’s life will always keep you from becoming the best version of yourself. It will keep you from appreciating the unique good that you can bring into this world. And it will keep you focused on the things you don’t have rather than appreciating what you do have.

There’s only one person who can live your life—only one person with your story, your voice, your experience, your gifts, your passion, your abilities, and your influence.

When we fill our homes and calendars trying to keep up with others, we rob the world of the one thing we can offer it: our authentic contribution.

Minimalism gives us the space to stop comparing and start contributing. And when we do, we discover we have so much more to contribute than consumerism.

3. We live finite lives. Be deliberate with them.

Time, energy, money, attention—these are not infinite resources. We all have differing amounts of them, but each are finite and limited.

Minimalism lives and dies on this reality. If money and time were in infinite supply, it would make sense to accumulate as much as you can. But they are not infinite. Our lives are finite. So what we choose to pursue and accumulate with them is of utmost importance.

Unfortunately, many of us live lives as if there are no boundaries.

We spend money on things we don’t need. We spend hours organizing closets full of things we don’t use. We distract ourselves endlessly on social media and with television. We sacrifice time with our loved ones for the sake of accumulating wealth or power… and then we call it living.

Life is short. And if we’re not careful, we can waste it chasing things that never mattered. As Seneca wrote (and which became the basis for my book, Things That Matter), “We are not given a short life but we make it short, and we are not ill-supplied but wasteful of it… Life is long if you know how to use it.”

Simplicity taught me to see every resource as precious: my hours, my dollars, my energy, even my life. And the more we invest them in things that matter, the more fulfilled we become.

4. You are more than what you own. Believe it.

Culture has a way of convincing us to believe things we know aren’t true.

For example, none of us, deep-down, believe our value is tied to the things that we own. But subtly, starting in childhood, we begin to look up to those who have more. Magazine covers, movies, and television shows exalt those who live in bigger houses, have nicer clothes, own cooler toys, or earn the bigger paycheck.

All lives are created equal. But for some reason, those with more get put on a pedestal—even when they don’t deserve it.

But a person’s value is never tied to their possessions. In fact, sometimes it is those least worthy of our admiration who accumulate the most. And those who are most worthy of being looked up to as role models are looked over.

Minimalism helped me remember again, and see through clearer eyes, that our worth is not determined by the square footage of our home, the logo on our clothing, the gadgets on our shelf, or the car in our driveway.

You have value because of who you are—your heart, your soul, your ability to love, create, forgive, and make a difference. That’s the part of you that matters. And no purchase can change that.

5. Self-worth is built by doing things that give us self-worth. Not consumerism.

This last point, I should admit, is not necessarily something I learned by pursuing minimalism. Instead, it was learned during the creation of The Hope Effect (which was a result of minimalism).

You don’t become more confident by buying something new. You don’t develop a stronger sense of purpose by upgrading your home decor. You don’t develop greater self-esteem by consuming more and more.

Self-worth grows when we align our actions with our values. When we do things that grow our self-worth, we develop self-worth. Self-esteem is not something we think ourselves into having. It is developed through our actions and our decisions—when we help others, keep our promises, do hard things, learn new skills, and show up for people.

Ironically, the more time we spend caring for physical possessions, the less we are able to invest in the practices that actually build our self-esteem. It’s hard to find time to volunteer at the local non-profit, if we’re spending our days driving from store to store.

Here’s the truth: we don’t need more stuff to feel better about ourselves. We need more of ourselves—freed up and fully engaged in activities that grow our self-worth.

I’ve now written 2,000 articles on Becoming Minimalist. That’s tens of thousands of hours spent encouraging others to own less and live more intentionally.

But underneath every word has always been this simple truth: You matter.

Your life holds value. Not because of what you own, but because of who you are.

The world will try to tell you otherwise. It will measure your worth in net worth, productivity, or popularity. But those measurements fall short. They fade. And they fail to account for the selfless goodness your life brings to others.

Minimalism isn’t just about decluttering your stuff. It’s about clearing space and focus to see that your time, your attention, your values, and your story matter deeply.

So live with fewer distractions. Spend your limited resources on things that matter. And never forget:

Your life is too valuable to waste chasing material possessions.

Spend it on something greater.

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The Truth About Self-Worth: We Don’t Need to Earn It

admin — Thu, 26 Jun 2025 06:48:44 +0000

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“Success isn’t about what you do; it’s about who you are. Just existing—waking up, breathing, being present—is enough.” ~Unknown

On my third trip to the emergency room, I lay in a hospital bed, ten weeks pregnant and nine kilograms lighter. I had just vomited for the forty-seventh time that day. My body felt empty, but the nausea never stopped. An IV dripped fluids into my arm, and I didn’t swallow anything for the next five days.

Hyperemesis—a rare and severe condition that affects about 1% of pregnancies—typically subsides by twelve weeks. For me, it lasted my entire pregnancy.

For fifteen years, I measured my worth by what I did. If I exercised, ate well, showed up for my friends and family, and worked hard—then I could go to bed knowing I was a good person. That was my framework. My safety net.

Now, I couldn’t do any of it. I could barely move.

And for the first time in my life, I asked myself: Who am I if I can’t do anything at all?

Six months of pregnancy, living in survival mode—failing to meet a single requirement on my self-made checklist for being a good person—I hated the person I had become.

The Framework That Held Me Together (Until It Didn’t)

For years, my sense of worth was built on a framework—one I had carefully constructed to keep myself on the right path. If I could tick off all the boxes, I could go to bed knowing I was enough. It gave me structure, a sense of control, and a way to measure whether I was living up to the person I believed I should be.

This checklist was my identity. It was how I knew who I was and that I was good.

At first, this framework served me well. When I left the structure of school, this checklist gave me direction.

It kept me disciplined, motivated, and focused on self-improvement. But beneath it all, there was fear—that if I didn’t check every box, I would somehow fail at being a good person.

The voice in my head wasn’t encouraging; it was demanding. Slowing down felt like slipping. No matter how much I did, there was always more to prove. Nothing was good enough, fast enough, or impressive enough.

Then, when Hyperemesis stripped me down to a barely functioning shell of myself, the framework collapsed. I wasn’t showing up for anyone. I wasn’t achieving anything. And without those measures of success, I felt like I had lost myself. My identity. My sense of worth. If my worth had always been something I had to earn, what happened when I could no longer earn it?

That’s when I realized the flaw in my system: it was built on conditional self-worth. As long as I kept up, I was safe. But the moment life forced me to stop, the framework didn’t hold me—it crushed me. Life was only going to get more complicated with kids, and I didn’t want it to feel this hard forever. More than that, I didn’t want them inheriting this checklist as a way of living.

Rebuilding From the Bottom Up: A Shift in Perspective

Hitting rock bottom can be an incredible gift. With nowhere lower to go, it becomes a chance to rebuild in a simpler, more aligned way—letting go of what doesn’t serve you.

A framework can be useful—until it becomes a cage. When discipline is fueled by fear, it exhausts us. True growth doesn’t come from relentless self-monitoring, but from knowing you are already enough. It comes from showing up, doing your best, and trusting that’s enough.

Talking things through with a psychologist, it became obvious: the checklist that once gave me security had become a restrictive system holding me back.

I decided to trust the extensive research that shows leading with self-compassion drives success and happiness by turning setbacks into growth, reducing stress, and helping us become more present people.

The hard part was learning to believe it—not just in my head, but in my gut. That kind of shift takes time, patience, and a steady mindfulness to gently bring yourself back when you drift.

Doing Things Out of Joy, Not Obligation

When I used to run, it was with a fierce determination to get to the finish. Quickly. And it was never fast enough. I didn’t use a social fitness tracker because no run I ever did was perfect enough to represent who I thought I should be.

When I started to exercise again after surviving the pregnancy and transitioning from a place of self-judgment to self-compassion, my mind was blown.

The voice in my head was kind and understanding and came from a place of love. When pushing for another lap, my thoughts would wander to words of encouragement. “Okay, do another lap, but stop if you need—you’ve already come so far!” I felt complete gratitude.

The rules I had followed for years didn’t disappear; they transformed from needs to wants—and never musts.

I still love to move my body, but I do it because I can and because I want to, not because I have to.

I still care for the people around me, but not at the expense of myself.

The things that once felt like obligations became absolute pleasures. And the best part? There are no repercussions if I don’t do those things. I either let it go without thought or reflect and learn from my actions. Without judgment.

You Are Enough, Always

Your worth isn’t something to prove—you are enough just by existing.

It doesn’t need to take a crisis to realize this. Checklists, measuring, self-checking, the relentless need to keep up—they are never what make you worthy. Letting go of that weight doesn’t mean losing yourself; it means freeing yourself.

Start noticing the voice in your head. Is it pushing you out of fear, or guiding you with kindness? Self-compassion isn’t about doing less—it’s about doing things from a place of kindness, not criticism. You can still strive, grow, and show up—but now, it’s because you want to, not because you have to. And that changes everything.

Shift the script. You don’t have to do more. You don’t have to be more. You already are enough—always.

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What My First Heartbreak Revealed About My Self-Worth

admin — Tue, 24 Jun 2025 09:33:53 +0000

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The first time I got my heart broken—really, painfully broken—I remember feeling too ashamed to ask for support. I didn’t talk about it with anyone because, at the time, there weren’t many people I trusted with such a raw and tender part of myself.

I cried a lot, so people around me knew something had happened, but looking back, I think it’s tragic that I had no friends or family I felt safe enough to open up to. No bestie to cry into a tub of ice cream with. Tragic, but also a bit revealing.

Like all painful experiences of loss, it eventually became more bearable. I resumed my regular routines. Heartbreak is just another part of life, and we move on as time passes, right?

It was over a decade later when I chanced upon a letter I had written to my ex shortly after our breakup. I found it at my parents’ house in the pocket of an old pair of pants, in a drawer full of remnants from those restless years of young adulthood when I had no true home of my own.

My stomach sank as I pulled it out, recognizing it instantly. Had someone found it and read it? Imagine that. Shame outweighed curiosity even all those years later. But the envelope was still sealed. It had his name written on the front in my handwriting.

The letter was written to him, but it was always meant for me. I had been drowning in misery when I wrote it, and re-reading the words pulled me right back into that pain. But with years of distance, I saw something I couldn’t have grasped back then.

At the time, I had believed the pain was all about losing him—that I couldn’t imagine not being with him anymore. Missing him felt like a black hole in my life, one that only he could fill. And yes, part of my pain was indeed about him. But if I’m being honest, our connection was never strong enough to justify the depth of pain I felt when it ended.

The true source of my pain—the visceral agony of the weeks that followed—was not about him at all. It was about what his rejection confirmed for me.

I’m not enough.

That is why the whole experience was so closely tied to feeling shame as much as (or more so) than feeling grief. Every insecurity I had carried since childhood—not smart enough, not interesting enough, not attractive enough, not cool enough, not sexy enough, not fun enough—felt legitimized the moment he decided I wasn’t for him. Losing him was a personal failure and a reflection of my insignificance.

Even more than that, I realized that our entire relationship had been a desperate attempt to prove my own worth. If I could be loved by him, then maybe I was good enough. That was my only focus. And in making that my focus, I sabotaged the relationship.

In the early days, I was being me. That’s what had sparked the attraction. But once we committed, I became hyper-aware of everything I thought I needed to be in order for him to keep wanting me. I stopped being present. I stopped enjoying him. Without even realizing it, I created drama—not because I wanted to, but because I needed him to prove he cared enough to stay. I was so obsessed with being enough for him that I never paused to ask myself if he was enough for me.

I didn’t know it then, but breakups don’t just hurt because of who we’ve lost. They crack open something deeper. They expose wounds we didn’t even know we were carrying.

At the time, I looked at other people—especially my ex—who seemed fine, and I convinced myself that something must be wrong with me. But looking back, I see how misguided that was. I wasn’t broken. I was reckoning with my own self-loathing. Without support. Without any reason to see how human it was.

I wish I had known that the pain of a breakup isn’t necessarily just about missing someone. It’s also about what the feeling of desertion stirs up in you. It’s about how the sudden loss of connection can make you question your own worth.

I tried to be strong by pushing through, distracting myself, pretending I was okay. I tried to hate him, fixating on all his flaws. But avoidance isn’t healing—it only postpones the inevitable. The feelings I refused to process didn’t disappear; they resurfaced in my self-doubt, in my choices, in the quiet moments when no distraction was enough.

Standing in my parents’ home that day, I was able to see the missed window of opportunity. I understood how going through that alone due to my shame never gave the experience a chance to be properly digested. The same inner critic and shame resurfaced again and again in the years that followed until eventually, I was brave enough to do the work and step into a version of myself who believes in my inherent value.

If I could go back, I would tell myself a few important things:

This isn’t something to just get over. It’s something to move through. The pain isn’t here to break you—it’s asking for your attention.
Real strength isn’t pretending you’re fine. It’s allowing yourself to feel what needs to be felt. It’s getting the right support, whether from a therapist, a coach, or a trusted guide. It’s letting the experience change you—not by making you harder, but by making you whole.
Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean waking up one day and realizing you no longer care. It means learning from the loss. Understanding yourself more deeply. Stepping forward with a clearer sense of what you truly need and deserve.

I can’t go back and give my younger self this wisdom. Who knows if she would have been ready to listen anyway? But I can offer it to anyone who might be there now—wondering why it still hurts, wondering when they’ll finally be “over it.”

The truth? The most painful moments of our lives often carry the greatest invitations for self-discovery. Normalizing our pain and meeting it with self-compassion can unlock massive personal growth.

We don’t get through life unscathed. We will be hurt. We will face pain. We will have to accept the incomprehensible.

But if we learn to turn inward—to become a safe refuge for ourselves, filled with kindness and understanding—we can evolve. We can transform our lives rather than repeat the same lesson over and over, carrying that wisdom into our next experience.

So here is my wish for all of you with a broken heart. May you meet your pain so it won’t just wound you but shape you into a truer version of yourself. Stay in your heart.

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20 Little Things to Remember When a Rejection Hurts

admin — Sun, 15 Jun 2025 04:27:46 +0000

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Be OK with walking away. Rejection teaches you how to reject what’s not right for you.

Rejection is oftentimes necessary medicine; it teaches you how to reject relationships and opportunities that aren’t going to work, so that you can find the right ones that will. It doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough; it just means someone else failed to notice what you have to offer. Which means you now have more time to improve yourself and explore your options.

What did I do wrong?
Why didn’t they care about me?
How come?

But then you have to let your emotions fuel you in a positive way. This is the important part. Let your feelings of rejection drive you, feed you, and inspire one heck of a powerful opening to the next chapter of your story.

I know it’s hard to accept, but think about it: All too often we let the rejections of our past dictate every move we make thereafter. We literally do not know ourselves to be any better than what some intolerant person or some isolated circumstance once told us was true. It’s time to realize this and squash the subconscious idea that you don’t deserve any better.

It’s time to remind yourself that…

1. Taking a few steps back can be healing.

2. It’s necessary to accept the things that can’t be changed.

One of the most rewarding and important moments in life is when you finally find the strength and courage to let go of what you can’t change, like someone else’s behavior or decisions.

3. It’s not the end of the world.

4. Some things simply aren’t meant to be.

5. Sometimes you have to fall down to move up in life.

Life ebbs and flows, and sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand up taller and emotionally stronger than you ever were before. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the “Adversity” chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

6. There is a gift hidden in most rejections.

When you lose someone or something, try not to think of it as a loss, but as a gift that lightens your load so that you can better travel the path meant for you.

7. There are more great opportunities coming your way.

8. You are worthy of so much more.

9. You don’t need any more closure to move forward.

Some chapters in our lives have to close without closure. There’s no point in losing yourself by trying to fix what’s meant to stay broken.

10. You have the power to not let them get to you.

11. It’s rarely as personal as it feels.

12. Most people don’t know you well enough to judge you fairly.

Naysayers’ rejections aren’t that important in the grand scheme of things, because most of them don’t even know you that well. So don’t let their opinions conquer you. Seriously, most of us do not understand how much potential we have — we limit ourselves to the level someone else told us was possible.

13. You can build yourself up with this experience.

Philosophically, some people are always going to throw bricks at others, and those with the strength to succeed in the long run are usually the ones who build themselves up with the bricks others have thrown at them.

14. You are more resilient than you give yourself credit for.

15. You are likely undervaluing your uniqueness right now.

16. Even though it’s hard right now, you’ve got this!

17. Putting your whole heart and soul into today’s tasks is key.

The more we fill our lives with genuine passion and purpose, the less time and energy we waste looking for approval from everyone else.

18. You are in control of the way you look at your situation.

19. Every storm eventually passes.

20. Right now is truly a beginning.

It’s your turn…

But before you go we would love to hear from YOU.

Which point mentioned above resonates with you the most right now?

Please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive two new articles like this in your inbox each week.

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self-worth – Live Laugh Love Do

The Trauma Keeps Talking—But My Voice Is Now Louder

Living with the Echo

Why We Stay Stuck

The Turning Point

Healing Is a Process, Not a Snap

What I Want You to Remember

About Ibukun Oluwaseun Adesina

1 Great Wake-Up Call for All Those Days When You Don’t Feel “Good Enough”

We all have a few cracks.

Now it’s your turn…

When Someone You Love Shuts the Door

About Angela Fairhurst

6 Sensible Reasons to Stop Proving Yourself to Everyone Else

1. It’s important to honor your own needs and boundaries.

2. The people truly worth impressing want you to be yourself.

3. You are the primary person who can change your life.

4. Society’s common measurements of worth are flawed.

5. Life isn’t a race against anyone else.

6. The path to success often passes through failure.

Now is the time — it’s your turn!

20 Things to Remember About Handling Rejection with Grace

1. Taking a few steps back can be healing.

2. It’s necessary to accept the things that can’t be changed.

3. It’s not the end of the world.

4. Some things simply aren’t meant to be.

5. Sometimes you have to fall down to move up in life.

6. There is a gift hidden in most rejections.

7. There are more great opportunities coming your way.

8. You are worthy of so much more.

9. You don’t need any more closure to move forward.

10. You have the power to not let them get to you.

11. It’s rarely as personal as it feels.

12. Most people don’t know you well enough to judge you fairly.

13. You can build yourself up with this experience.

14. You are more resilient than you give yourself credit for.

15. You are likely undervaluing your uniqueness right now.

16. Even though it’s hard right now, you’ve got this!

17. Putting your whole heart and soul into today’s tasks is key.

18. You are in control of the way you look at your situation.

19. Every storm eventually passes.

20. Right now is truly a beginning.

It’s your turn…

1 Wake-Up Call You Need to Receive When You Think You’re Not “Good Enough”

We all have a few cracks.

Now it’s your turn…

What Simplifying My Home Taught Me About Self-Worth

The Truth About Self-Worth: We Don’t Need to Earn It

The Framework That Held Me Together (Until It Didn’t)

Rebuilding From the Bottom Up: A Shift in Perspective

Doing Things Out of Joy, Not Obligation

You Are Enough, Always

About Alex Russell

What My First Heartbreak Revealed About My Self-Worth

About Natasha Ramlall

20 Little Things to Remember When a Rejection Hurts

1. Taking a few steps back can be healing.

2. It’s necessary to accept the things that can’t be changed.

3. It’s not the end of the world.

4. Some things simply aren’t meant to be.

5. Sometimes you have to fall down to move up in life.

6. There is a gift hidden in most rejections.

7. There are more great opportunities coming your way.

8. You are worthy of so much more.

9. You don’t need any more closure to move forward.

10. You have the power to not let them get to you.

11. It’s rarely as personal as it feels.

12. Most people don’t know you well enough to judge you fairly.

13. You can build yourself up with this experience.

14. You are more resilient than you give yourself credit for.

15. You are likely undervaluing your uniqueness right now.

16. Even though it’s hard right now, you’ve got this!

17. Putting your whole heart and soul into today’s tasks is key.

18. You are in control of the way you look at your situation.

19. Every storm eventually passes.

20. Right now is truly a beginning.

It’s your turn…