Therapy may sound like a mainstream buzz word these days, but it’s one that really matters. Whether you’re going to therapy in-person or trying virtual therapists, it’s incredibly beneficial to have a safe space to talk things out. And lately, some versions of therapy are showing up on social media in a sort of DIY way, like “rejection therapy.” The idea behind this term all over social media is that it can be a helpful thing to do at home — and on your own — to remedy some of your anxieties, especially social anxiety. But does it work? Is rejection therapy a legit thing?

And seriously, should we all be doing it?

What is rejection therapy?

Rejection therapy is exactly what it sounds like — you’re getting therapy for your fear of rejection by purposely putting yourself in a position to be rejected. “You put yourself into a difficult situation and then you see that survive it and your anxiety goes down every time you do it,” says clinical psychologist and private owner at Best Life Behavioral Health Samantha Whiten. It can range in complexity, but Whiten says the whole point is to realize that it’s not the end of the world for someone to not like interacting with you, and rejection therapy teaches you that being embarrassed doesn’t actually hurt you in the long run.

“I believe rejection therapy was inspired by the book 100 Days of Rejection,” says licensed psychotherapist Lorain Moorehead. “Essentially, rejection therapy is exposure therapy. The goal being that repeated exposures to the stimuli, in this case rejection, reduces the sympathetic nervous system response — fight, flight, or freeze.”

How do you do rejection therapy?

The really great thing about rejection therapy, whether you’re anxious about making a phone call or nervous about going to a party on your own, is that you can build up your confidence from the safety of your own home. “A super fun one is to order something in a restaurant that they don’t serve, and power through the side-eye and annoyed response they give you,” says Whiten.

Moorehead agrees that rejection therapy can be as simple as something like that, but the big thing to consider is that it might be discouraging to make your first foray into rejection therapy a really important request. “If it ends up being a ‘no,’ there might not seem to be a reason to proceed,” she says. “I recommend beginning with lower stakes rejection offers so the person receives a variety of yeses and nos and can build from there, and process the feelings that come from both.”

If advocating for yourself more is the goal, try asking a coworker if you can join their group for lunch or reaching out to a doctor to ask questions about your health. “Or else they can be related to certain genre of challenges, such as phone-related, social media-related, and so forth. Some ideas would be calling to ask for an appointment rather than texting, asking for an option that isn’t listed or asking for an adaptation.”

And if you’re experiencing social anxiety, try inviting people to participate in a gathering or project of your own as a challenging and rewarding move. But Whiten recommends beginning any kind of rejection therapy with people that aren’t considered friends. Maybe ask a new neighbor if they’d like to walk with you one morning or ask a coworker to come with you to get a coffee. “This may seem counterintuitive, but I find that asking friends opens new challenges to process.”

Again, don’t put too much pressure on yourself. If you want to try rejection therapy because you’re anxious about asking someone on a date, don’t make that your first step. Don’t go straight to your boss and ask for a raise if that’s your biggest fear. Start small, with things that don’t matter much in the long run. Order your complicated coffee inside Starbucks rather than the app. Call the hair salon to make an appointment instead of sending your stylist a DM. Ask the mom you always see at the park if she’d like to get a coffee when your kids are done on the swings.

If you face a rejection — if the mom says no thanks, if the salon says they’re booked that day, if the barista has to ask you twice how many pumps of pumpkin you wanted — then you’ll be able to handle it in stride because you’ll know it’s truly no big deal.

As you go through rejection therapy, you’ll build up your confidence and realize that nothing you were worried about — being embarrassed, getting something wrong, feeling like you messed up — is the end of the world.

“True belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world. Our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” ~Brené Brown

Last year over lunch, my friend, Jess, confessed something to me that hit me right in my gut because I’d been there too—that exact same lie, that exact same fear.

Out of nowhere, she blurted out, “I need to cancel.”

“Cancel what?” I asked.

She burst into tears. “I RSVPed yes to Jen’s wedding months ago, but it’s this weekend, and I just… I can’t do it.”

As she sobbed, she confessed she’d already crafted a text message claiming food poisoning. The wedding was for her best friend since college, and she was bailing—not because of an emergency, but because she was terrified of being judged by the other guests.

My stomach dropped. Not because I was shocked, but because I saw myself in her confession.

Back in 2012, I’d done exactly the same thing. My cousin, who I’d grown up with—shared a bedroom with during family vacations, passed notes with during boring family dinners—was getting married. And I…just couldn’t make myself go.

I still get a sick feeling remembering it. Me, twenty-nine years old, sitting fully dressed on my bed at 3:42 p.m., staring at the invitation that had been on my fridge for months. The wedding started at 4:30. It was a twenty-five-minute drive. And I was frozen, literally nauseous with anxiety.

What if the small talk was unbearable? What if my ex was there with his new girlfriend? What if people noticed I’d put on weight since Christmas? What if, what if, what if…

I texted my cousin claiming a 102-degree fever. Then I ordered pizza, watched Netflix, and tried to ignore the hollow feeling in my chest.

Yeah. Easier to stay home where it felt “safe.”

The Painful Paradox

Working through my own social anxiety mess, plus helping others with the same struggle over the years, has taught me something that blew my mind when I first realized it:

We reject ourselves BEFORE anyone else gets the chance.

Let me explain.

We think our social anxiety comes from being afraid of other people’s judgment. But that’s not quite it. We’re actually afraid they’ll confirm the crappy things we already think about ourselves.

When I bailed on that wedding, I wasn’t really worried about what my family would think. I was worried they’d see the “truth” I already believed: that I wasn’t interesting enough, put-together enough, or worthy enough to belong there.

So instead of risking that pain, I chose a different pain—isolation. I projected my own harsh self-judgment onto everyone else, assuming they’d see me the same way.

Talk about a messed-up strategy! By “protecting” myself from potential rejection, I guaranteed rejection by rejecting myself first. And worse, I created real-world “evidence” that I didn’t belong, which only fed my insecurities.

My friend was caught in the same trap. She didn’t actually know she’d be judged at the wedding. But she was so convinced of her own unworthiness that she assumed everyone else would see it too.

The Lightbulb Moment That Changed Everything

For most of my life, I brushed off my social anxiety as “just being an introvert.” Convenient label, right? Helped me avoid admitting I was actually terrified.

Then my friend Kayla—who has zero filter—called me out over coffee.

“Sandy,” she said, eyeing me over her mug, “you realize you spend like 90% of your energy imagining what people think about you and maybe 10% actually finding out?”

I almost choked on my latte. Ouch.

That night, I grabbed an old journal and started tracking my thoughts before social events. Holy crap. I was spending HOURS in mental gymnastics:

• Rehearsing conversations that might never happen
• Coming up with witty responses to imagined criticisms
• Planning defenses to judgments nobody had actually made
• Obsessing over outfit choices to avoid potential comments

I’d exhausted myself before even leaving the house! And the worst part? I was playing both roles in these imaginary scenarios—both the harsh judge AND the person being judged.

Talk about a rigged game.

So I decided to try something radical. My neighbor was having a dinner party that weekend. Instead of my usual mental prep work, I made myself a promise: just show up as-is. Not as the “entertaining Sandy” or the “impressive Sandy” or any other version. Just… me.

I won’t lie—I almost bailed three times that day. But I went. And without all the usual self-judgment noise in my head, something weird happened. I actually listened when people talked instead of planning my next clever comment. Conversations felt easier. I laughed more.

Afterward, my neighbor texted, “Thanks for coming! Loved our talk about your trip to Maine—we should grab coffee sometime.”

Wait, what? I hadn’t rehearsed the Maine story. That was just me rambling about something I loved. And she… liked it?

This tiny experience punched a hole in my belief system. Maybe, just maybe, people could like the actual me—not some carefully curated version I thought I needed to be.

Getting to Know the Real You

So here’s what I’ve figured out: the way through social anxiety isn’t becoming better at small talk or forcing yourself into uncomfortable situations. It’s about getting to know yourself—the real you under all that fear and protective armor.

When you actually know and like yourself, other people’s opinions just don’t matter as much. You develop a kind of internal anchor that keeps you steady even when social waters get choppy.

This journey toward knowing yourself isn’t always Instagram-worthy. It’s messy. But here’s what’s worked for me.

1. Catch yourself in self-rejection mode.

Start noticing when you back out of things because you’re afraid of judgment. Ask yourself, “Am I rejecting myself before even giving others a chance to accept me?”

Last month, I almost skipped a reunion with friends from high school because “no one would remember me anyway.” Classic self-rejection! Naming it helped me pause and reconsider.

2. Question your core beliefs.

Where did you get the idea that you’re not enough? Most of us are carrying around beliefs we formed as awkward thirteen-year-olds! Some of mine were:

• “I’m boring unless I’m entertaining people.”
• “People only like me when I help them with something.”
• “If I show my real feelings, people will think I’m too much.”

Once you identify these beliefs, you can start collecting evidence that challenges them. My friend who missed the wedding realized her core belief was “I don’t belong in celebrations.” We traced it back to an eighth-grade birthday party disaster!

3. Talk to yourself like you’re not a jerk.

I used to have a running commentary in my head that I would NEVER say to another human being. “You’re so awkward. Why did you say that? Everyone’s just tolerating you.”

Learning to speak to myself with basic decency was life-changing. When I feel anxious now, I’ll literally put my hand on my heart and say, “This is hard. Lots of people feel this way. How can I support myself right now?”

Cheesy? Maybe. But it works.

4. Baby steps, not cliff jumps.

Recovery doesn’t mean immediately diving into your scariest social situation. That’s like trying to run a marathon when you’ve never jogged around the block.

Start small. Maybe it’s:

• Coffee with one friend instead of a group
• A thirty-minute appearance at a party with permission to leave
• A class where the focus isn’t on socializing but on a shared interest

Each small win builds evidence against your “I don’t belong” belief system.

5. Create a self-connection practice.

You need regular check-ins with yourself to quiet the noise of imagined expectations and reconnect with who you really are.

For me, it’s morning journaling with coffee before anyone else is awake. For my friend, it’s painting terrible watercolors that no one will ever see. Find what helps you hear your own voice clearly.

Even four minutes of intentional self-connection can begin rebuilding your relationship with yourself. (Trust me, I’ve timed it!)

My Cousin’s Do-Over

Life can be weirdly generous sometimes. Three years after I missed my cousin’s first wedding, she got remarried (to the same guy—they’d eloped after family drama with the first ceremony, then decided to have a proper celebration later).

When the invitation arrived, my palms instantly got sweaty. Here was my chance to do things differently, but the old fear came roaring back.

This time though, I had new tools. Instead of spiraling into “what-ifs,” I asked myself, “What if I just showed up as myself? What’s the worst that could happen? What’s the best?”

I felt the fear—it didn’t magically disappear—but I didn’t let it make my decision. I focused on how much I loved my cousin and how I’d regretted missing her first celebration.

Was the wedding perfect? Nope. I spilled red wine on my dress within the first hour. I got stuck in an awkward conversation about politics with my uncle. I still felt twinges of “I don’t belong here” at times.

But I stayed. I danced badly to the Cha-Cha Slide. I ate cake.

And at one point, my cousin grabbed my hands and said, “I’m so glad you made it this time, Sandy.” The genuine joy in her eyes hit me harder than any anxiety ever could.

Sometimes showing up is enough.

The Gift of Just Being You

For most of my life, I thought social anxiety was just “how I was wired”—some unchangeable part of my personality. But turns out, it wasn’t about who I am. It was about how I’d learned to treat myself.

When I began treating myself with a fraction of the kindness I’d show to a friend, things shifted. Not overnight. Not perfectly. But genuinely.

The less I needed external validation, the more comfortable I became in my own skin. And weirdly, the more authentic connections I started making.

Look, I still get nervous before big social events. I still sometimes catch myself falling into the old mental prep work. But now I can laugh at it and gently redirect.

If you’re someone who tends to hide rather than show up, please hear this:

• The judgment you’re so afraid of is often coming from YOU first.
• By rejecting yourself, you deny others the chance to know the real you (and trust me, the real you is actually pretty great).
• The more you practice showing up authentically, the easier it gets.

Your presence—your real, unfiltered, sometimes-awkward presence—is worth sharing. Don’t let your harsh inner critic rob the world of your unique perspective and energy.

Maybe the greatest plot twist in this whole story is this: When I stopped trying so hard to be someone I thought others would accept and started accepting myself instead, I finally found the belonging I’d been searching for all along.

Funny how that works.

About Sandy Woznicki

Sandy Woznicki is a stress coach helping parents find their inner calm and get to know, like, and trust themselves (so they can be the person, parent, and partner they are meant to be). Learn how to speak to yourself like someone you love with this free inner voice makeover workbook.

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Over the past year, singles have had to deal with a bleak, minefield of a dating landscape thanks to the pandemic. We’ve sacrificed bar dates and one night stands and settled for distanced walks and kiss-less first dates. 

Hopefully now that the vaccine is rolling out and the weather is getting nicer, we won’t have to sacrifice much longer. For months and months we’ve predicted what post-pandemic dating will look like and soon, we’ll actually get to experience it. 

The Fear of the Unknown

The ambivalence about going back to ‘normal’ is already creeping up, from discussions of crowd anxiety to overall fear of socialising. Now, there’s a new phrase specifically for romantic ambivalence: Fear of Dating Again, or FODA. Hinge coined the term back in January but as winter melts into spring, this sentiment is only becoming more relevant. 

While there’s talk about this summer being wild with dating and hookups, reality won’t look like that for everyone. The fear and uncertainty of 2020 will likely find itself in unexpected parts of our lives even as shops and restaurants begin to return to normal. Given the mourning,  everything we’ve gone through — death, social upheaval, isolation, stress — we can’t expect to act the way we did before the pandemic. 

‘It’s completely understandable to be apprehensive’ about dating now, said Rachel DeAlto, relationship expert and chief dating expert at Match. Not only do we have the baggage from last year, but dating in 2021 also has unforeseen obstacles, like accessing a potential date’s COVID comfort level.

Setting Your Intention

How does one even know if they’re ready to date? DeAlto recommends looking inwards and assessing: Do you have the energy to swipe on apps, chat and meet new people? Do you have the capacity to date? 

If yes, set your intention. Do you want to hook-up or find a partner? This intention can of course change, but DeAlto believes goals are important at least going into dating because you’ll know what you’re looking for. 

Talking About COVID

Once you have your dating intention, then you have to figure out what you’re okay with in terms of COVID safety. Whether it’s only going on dates outside or requiring a ‘vaccination passport’ from your date, it’s ultimately up to you to decide.

While you might feel hesitant about discussing this with your match, DeAlto insists that it’s okay to have the conversation. It’s okay to not be comfortable doing what you did pre-pandemic. But have an unapologetically honest discussion with yourself and your matches about it, or else dating will be frustrating (at least, more frustrating than usual). 

Ultimately, know it’s okay if you’re not chomping at the bit to put yourself out there. The term FODA exists for a reason: It’s not just you. Social anxiety was prevalent even before the pandemic, so it’s understandable to be especially anxious after a year of physically not being around others. 

‘I don’t know if we’ve actually recognised how challenging it will be,’ said DeAlto on post-pandemic socialisation. She predicts social anxiety will persist, but has some dating tips for those with such anxiety and FODA. 

DeAlto’s 3 Tips

1. Show up in authentic ways. This is where being unapologetically honest comes in. If, for example, you don’t want to eat indoors, tell your potential date! It’s better to lose someone who can’t respect your boundaries than to be uncomfortable during a date.
2. Focus on being present. Humans are uncomfortable with the unknown — which is just one of many reasons the last year has been so difficult. It’s easy to fret about the future, but none of us know what’s going to happen; you can allow yourself to let that go, and concentrate on where you are now instead. 
3. Allow yourself to ‘baby step’ back out there. No one is saying you need to go on five dates a week or go to an extravagant orgy as soon as we hit herd immunity. You can take your time. 

Coming to Grips with the Change

As consumer and audience expert Jayne Charneski told Mashable in February, we’re all emerging from the pandemic as different people. Our outlooks and priorities have shifted and this is reflected in every aspect of life, including dating.

You’re more than allowed to feel FODA, but you don’t have to let it stop you if you truly want to date. Whether you want bar dates again or want to continue with park walks, post-pandemic dating can be personalised to fit you.

 

This article has been modified for Mai Tai. The original article can be found here.