Contempt is the worst of the four horsemen. It is the most destructive negative behavior in relationships. In Dr. John Gottman’s four decades of research, he has found it to be the number one predictor of divorce. According to Malcolm Gladwell in his bestselling book, Blink:

“If Gottman observes one or both partners in a marriage showing contempt toward the other, he considers it the most important sign that a marriage is in trouble.”

When you communicate with contempt, the results can be cruel. Treating others with disrespect and mocking them with sarcasm and condescension are forms of contempt. So are hostile humor, name-calling, mimicking, and body language such as eye-rolling and sneering. In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust and superiority, especially moral, ethical, or characterological.

Contempt, simply put, says, “I’m better than you. And you are lesser than me.”

Why contempt is so destructive and dangerous

Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about one’s partner, and it arises in the form of an attack on someone’s sense of self. Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict—particularly dangerous and destructive forms of conflict—rather than to reconciliation. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with them and that you’re condescending and acting as their superior.

Take a look at this couple. One partner has a need always to be on time, even early, yet the other partner seems to have difficulty keeping up and being ready to go when their partner needs them to be. Here’s a form of contempt that the punctual partner might dish out:

“Look, I learned how to tell time when I was five years old. When are you ever gonna learn?”

Or this couple, who have a recurring fight about sex:

“We haven’t had sex in months. What, are you too busy flirting with that guy at work? Why don’t you just marry him instead?”

The research found that couples who are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illness (colds, the flu, etc.) than couples who are not contemptuous. Contempt is the most poisonous of all relationship killers. We cannot emphasize that enough. Contempt destroys psychological, emotional, and physical health.

Anderson Cooper of CNN reacts to Dr. John Gottman’s findings on contempt, particularly about how emotionally and physically destructive it can be, in this short clip:

Fortunately, like all of the four horsemen, there is an effective antidote to contempt, and it comes in two forms.

The antidotes to contempt

Short-term: Describe your feelings and needs

If you’re experiencing contempt in your relationship, there are proven antidotes to combat it and turn conflict into positive growth. The first way to do that is to start small and describe your own feelings and needs about any given issue. Try to avoid using “you” statements, which can make your partner feel blamed or attacked.

“I’m feeling neglected sexually, and I need physical connection. Can we talk about how to make that happen so it works for both of us?”

Or, in terms of being punctual:

“It’s very important to me to be on time. Can you please help me with that?”

Short-term measures like that are the best place to start, but to create long-term immunity, you will need to think about the greater context of your relationship.

Long-term: Build a culture of fondness and admiration

The best antidote to contempt is to build a culture of fondness and admiration for each other, which, metaphorically, strengths your relationship’s immune system. It is the second level of our Sound Relationship House.

Fondness and admiration aren’t built overnight, but if you intentionally work to do small, positive things for your partner every day, then you can create that system. Once you’ve created it, it will act as a consistent bulwark against contempt.

The best test to measure the strength of your fondness and admiration system is to focus on how you view your relationship’s history. In the research, couples who have a positive view of their past through oral history interviews are much more likely to be happy in their relationships. But if your relationship is in deep trouble, you’re unlikely to elicit much praise from each other, and you’ll likely have difficulty remembering the good times.

Talking about the happy events of the past, however, helps many couples reconnect. Remember the good times, and also remember the tough times where, together, you pushed through and succeeded, which is when couples “glorify the struggle,” and it helps to build solidarity in your relationship. Focus on offering daily gestures and expressions of appreciation, kindness, support, and love. These can be as simple as a six-second kiss, a stress-reducing conversation, or spending five minutes to thank each other for how you support each other.

Although happy couples will feel frustrated at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that their partner is worthy of honor and respect. Even though sharing fondness and admiration is crucial in a relationship, these positive sentiments often dwindle overtime through conflict, resentment, or simply the absentmindedness that can come as a result of life’s many distractions.

That being said, sharing fondness and admiration in your relationship is not complicated, and can be done even if you think those positive feelings are buried too deep beneath recent conflicts. Positive thoughts invoke positive feelings, and the goal is to turn both into positive actions that help to heal and bring companionship back to your relationship. The more positivity you have in your relationship, the more you will create positive sentiment override, which is what successful couples rely on to stay connected.

If you revive fondness and admiration for each other, you are more likely to approach conflict resolution as a team. Fondness and admiration will expand your sense of “we-ness” and solidarity as a couple, and it will keep the two of you as connected as you felt when you first met.

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The third horsemen in the Four Horsemen is defensiveness, which is defined as self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in an attempt to ward off a perceived attack. Many people become defensive when they are being criticized, but the problem is that its perceived effect is blame. It is usually a counterattack to a complaint, which is not criticism.

What does defensiveness look like?

Everyone has been defensive, and this horseman is almost always present when relationships are on the rocks. When you feel unjustly accused, you fish for excuses so that your partner will back off. But defensiveness is a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying, in effect, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.”

Complaint: “Did you call your parents to let them know that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?”

Defensiveness: “I was just too busy today. You know how busy my schedule is! Why didn’t you just do it?”

The defensive partner in this example isn’t taking responsibility for breaking their promise. Instead, they blame their partner. As a result, the problem is not resolved and the conflict escalates further, which paves the way for other horsemen, like criticism and contempt, to enter into the argument.

Unfortunately, this strategy is almost never successful. Excuses just tell your partner that you don’t take them seriously, or you’re trying to get them to buy something that they don’t believe, or you’re simply blowing them off. Although it is perfectly understandable for this partner to put up a defense in the example given above, this approach doesn’t have the desired effect. The attacking spouse does not back down or apologize. They fail to solve the problem.

The antidote to defensiveness? Take responsibility.

The antidote to defensiveness is to accept responsibility for your role in the situation, even if only for part of the conflict. In healthy relationships, partners don’t get defensive when discussing an area of conflict.

Complaint: “Did you call your parents to let them know that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?”

Antidote: “Oops, I forgot. I should have asked you this morning to do it because I knew my day would be too busy. Let me call them right now.”

John Gottman talks to Anderson Cooper about defensiveness in the first half of this short clip:

Partners who avoid defensiveness instead take responsibility for their role in the issue and express an interest in their partner’s feelings. They say, “You’re right, I could have been more aware of how exhausted you were. What you are saying makes some sense, tell me more.” Having acknowledged that you have some role in the problem, you are accepting responsibility for a part of it. When you do this, you will find that you can have a real dialogue with your partner. You become a team working through the problem together.

Think about perpetual problems in your relationship, those problems that come up often and never seem to go away.

Is the TV on too much?

Do you feel like your partner is away all the time?

Are you overburdened with housework?

Do you feel like you spend too much time arguing about little things?

Imagine the conversations, arguments, and fights you have about conflict areas going differently, with less criticism or contempt and more understanding your partner’s needs, expressing your needs in a healthy way, and taking responsibility for things that went wrong. If these discussions crop up all the time, you’ll be sure to benefit from handling them in a healthier way. Think about these two things when bringing up a particular problem:

• What is your goal?
• What is the real problem underlying the conflict?

When you have time, make a list of the subjects you want or need to address—the ones that never seem to get resolved. Write down your desired way for the conversation to go. Using the examples above, try to replace defensiveness with taking responsibility the next time the subject comes up. Also, don’t forget what you learned about criticism: complain without blame and express a positive need. You will be happily surprised with the results!

Understanding defensiveness

Defensiveness is a tough one in that it is a more passive behavior than contempt or criticism. We may not even realize that we are entering into a defensive state.

When you become defensive in a conversation with your partner, you react to their words without listening to what they’re saying.

More often than not, you attempt to ward off the perceived attack by turning the tables on them. “It’s not my fault that we’re always late; it’s your fault.” 

Non-verbal communication

Remember that non-verbal cues are constantly exchanged in conversation, often picked up subconsciously by your brains while you are busy processing something else in the interaction. Whether you realize it or not, they are vital to your interpretation of the speaker’s intent. Tone, body language, facial expression, and other external effectual signs are often internationally recognizable, not particular to any cultural or ethnic group.

You can all read eye-rolling as contempt, and feel a listener’s turned-away body language as a sign of withdrawal. However, other non-verbal cues are not as recognizable. You may not even be aware that you are doing it.

You may have the best intentions when you come into a conversation, but even the most positive attitude cannot last in the face of serious misunderstanding. Though you may have your partner’s best interests in mind, if they misinterpret your message, you’re likely allowing more horsemen into the situation: criticism can evoke a defensive response, followed by a contemptuous statement, leading to emotional withdrawal and stonewalling.

Keep your focus on avoiding criticism and contempt, and you can hold off the rest much more easily. Practice paying attention to your responses and those of your partner. Try accepting responsibility and see the benefits of your results. Your relationship may begin to feel safer, more stable, and more intimate than ever before.

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Learn research-based strategies to enhance your daily interactions, fostering not just clearer conversation, but also a deeper bond. Integrating these small things into your routines can make every conversation with your partner an opportunity to reconnect, rekindle, and rediscover joy in your relationship.

Brief Overview

Learning how to communicate better with your partner can transform your relationship, creating a deeper emotional connection. It’s tough to navigate misunderstandings, but by embracing active listening, empathy, and patience, you’re not just exchanging words; you’re building a bridge of trust and love. Engaging in intentional conversations,  with open-ended questions and attention to nonverbal cues, fosters an environment where both partners feel supported and valued. Each step towards better communication is a step towards a more loving, resilient partnership.

Key Highlights

• Recognizing common communication issues is essential to rebuilding any lost trust and to get through misunderstandings.
• Active listening involves understanding feelings and providing emotional support, enhancing relationship communication.
• Nonverbal cues play a role in conveying emotional support and understanding.
• Practicing empathy in conversations creates a safe space for expressing needs and enhancing emotional connection.
• Setting aside dedicated time for talking promotes love, respect, and deeper connection.

Understanding the Foundations of Communication

Improving communication with your partner can be challenging, yet it’s essential for a healthy emotional connection. Our research shows that establishing strong  communication involves recognizing common problems and utilizing core skills and strategies to ensure both partners are getting their needs met.

Recognizing Common Communication Issues

Issues can arise  from mismatched communication styles, leading to a cycle of misunderstandings and frustration. This in turn can lead to certain types of relationship dynamics. Dr. John Gottman characterizes the different types of couples as:

1. Validating Couples
   • They listen carefully to each other, show respect, and work toward compromise.
   • Conflicts are calm and constructive, with lots of empathy and understanding.
2. Volatile Couples
   • They argue passionately and express emotions openly, both positive and negative.
   • Disagreements can be intense, but they balance it with strong affection, humor, and connection.
3. Conflict-Avoiding Couples
   • They avoid disagreements and emphasize common ground.
   • Harmony and acceptance are prioritized over resolution, and they agree to disagree.
4. Hostile Couples
   • Characterized by criticism, defensiveness, and contempt during conflicts.
   • They are frequently negative toward each other, with little positive balance.
5. Hostile-Detached Couples
   • Their conflicts are marked by coldness, emotional distance, and withdrawal.
   • There’s little warmth or engagement, and negativity dominates with minimal repair attempts.

 

The first three (Validating, Volatile, Conflict-Avoiding) can still be stable and happy if the positive-to-negative ratio of interactions remains high. The last two (Hostile, Hostile-Detached) are typically unstable and at high risk for divorce.

Addressing communication style differences and the dynamics they create requires  patience and transparency. It is important that both partners feel supported and encouraged to express their perspectives. By understanding these dynamics, you can foster a healthier dialogue within your relationship. Learning how to communicate better with your partner isn’t a solitary effort but a mutual commitment. It’s about moving forward hand in hand, learning, and growing together.

Building a Compassionate Connection with Your Partner

Creating a compassionate connection with your partner is about more than just words; it’s about feeling seen, heard, and valued. This journey involves embracing empathy and practicing patience, key components in learning how to communicate better with your partner. 

Practicing Empathy in Conversations

Empathy is connecting to another person’s feelings by seeing things from their perspective, staying out of judgment, and letting them know they’re not alone. It’s less about fixing and more about being present and saying, “I’m with you.” The power that empathy has is rooted in this emotional connection. 

Empathy requires an active effort to understand your partner’s emotions and perspectives. Imagine your partner discussing a difficult day at work; instead of offering immediate solutions, empathizing with their feelings shows that you care deeply about their experience. It’s about connecting emotionally, acknowledging their feelings, and supporting them with compassion. Our research shows that when partners feel empathetically validated, they experience a stronger emotional connection that fortifies their bond. It involves quieting your mind to focus entirely on your partner’s emotional wellbeing. It strengthens the foundation of your relationship, encouraging deeper communication and fostering trust. 

The Role of Patience and Understanding

It can be difficult to have patience in the midst of life’s stressors when emotions are running high in a relationship. Yet, patience and understanding play vital roles in learning how to communicate better with your partner. They transform arguments into discussions, creating an environment where both voices feel respected and heard. This means letting go of the need to respond or convince or impose our emotional narratives on our partner. Partners often struggle because they react rather than respond. Reacting can shut down communication, but a patient response can give your partner the time and space to express their thoughts without interruption or prejudice. It’s about learning to coexist with differing perspectives without the need to assert dominance. 

Strategies for Improving Communication

Learning how to communicate better with your partner can transform the very fabric of intimacy and understanding within a relationship. It’s not just about talking; it’s about cultivating a space where both individuals feel heard and understood. This section delves into crucial strategies like asking open-ended questions and decoding nonverbal cues. Mastering these skills can lead to a deeper emotional connection, bringing warmth and confidence to your partnership. 

Foundation of Friendship

It is important to have a detailed understanding of your partner’s inner world—their hopes, worries, values, daily routines, and life story. This changes over time so it is something that needs to be updated on a regular basis. Dr. Gottman calls these Love Maps, and the importance lies in how they keep partners emotionally connected even as life changes. When you know each other deeply, you’re more likely to notice shifts in mood, anticipate needs, and offer meaningful support. Couples with strong Love Maps have greater resilience, because they feel truly known and understood.

Rituals of Connection

These are intentional habits or traditions that create consistent moments of closeness. These can be small, everyday rituals like sharing a morning check-in, or larger traditions such as family dinners or holiday celebrations. Their importance is that they build a sense of reliability and shared meaning. In busy or stressful seasons, these rituals anchor couples in a rhythm of connection, reminding each partner they are prioritized and cherished.

Stress-Reducing Conversation

This a conversation where both partners talk about external pressures—like work or family—without trying to “fix” them, but instead listening, validating, and empathizing. Its importance is that it transforms stress from something isolating into something bonding. By providing emotional safety, couples strengthen trust and show they are allies against outside challenges. Over time, this habit protects the relationship from being eroded by life’s unavoidable stressors.

Asking Open-Ended Questions

These questions, unlike their yes-or-no counterparts, invite your partner to share more deeply, allowing for a richer emotional exchange. For example, instead of asking, “Did you have a good day?”, you might say, “What made you smile today?” This small shift requires your partner to reflect and share insights, fostering a sense of warmth and intimacy that goes beyond superficial interactions.  Open-ended questions invite your partner to share  thoughts and feelings that might otherwise remain unspoken, leading to a healthier relationship dynamic. 

The Importance of Active Listening

Active listening in relationships isn’t just hearing words; it’s understanding feelings and providing the emotional support your partner needs. This skill is foundational for healthy communication and can significantly deepen your connection. In many relationships, we’re often quick to talk but slower to listen. Reacting with understanding rather than rushing to respond can greatly enhance communication. Active listening demands full attention. This involves maintaining eye contact, nodding affirmatively, and occasionally reiterating your partner’s points to show you’re engaged. When partners feel genuinely heard, they’re more likely to reciprocate, creating a cycle of positivity and support. 

Nonverbal Communication: What You Might Be Missing

Nonverbal communication plays a vital role in healthy relationships, and when used intentionally can strengthen connection. By becoming more aware of your partner’s body language, tone, and facial expressions, you can better recognize their emotional needs. Turning toward even small nonverbal bids for connection—like a smile, sigh, or touch—helps build trust and intimacy. Maintaining soft tones, open posture, and eye contact can reduce defensiveness, while repair attempts such as humor or a gentle touch can de-escalate conflict. Finally, monitoring your own nonverbal signals—especially avoiding contemptuous gestures like eye-rolling—supports emotional attunement and long-term relationship stability.

Creating a Supportive Environment for Growth

Building a truly supportive environment for growth with your partner requires intentional efforts in communication. By learning to set aside dedicated time to talk, you can ensure that communication isn’t purely transactional but also includes times for deeper connection and support. 

Setting Aside Time to Talk in Your Relationship

We often find ourselves entangled in the hustle and bustle of daily life, which can make it challenging to truly connect with the person we love. This disconnection can lead to misunderstandings or feelings of neglect. It’s vital, therefore, to consciously set aside time to communicate. This may seem like a small step, but our research shows that maintaining dedicated time to talk can substantially enhance the emotional landscape of a partnership.

Consistency is key. The habitual nature of these dedicated moments ensures ongoing emotional and relational support, making it easier to address issues as they arise. When both partners know they have a dedicated time for genuine communication, it reduces stress and fosters a thriving environment for growth. This practice isn’t just about talking, it’s about deepening your emotional connection. 

Learning how to communicate better with your partner is a journey worth embarking on, it can deepen your connection and brighten your shared future. By committing to honest dialogues, active listening, and empathy, you’re stepping towards a more fulfilling relationship. Remember, it’s about progress, not perfection. Every little effort counts and can lead to significant transformations. The conversations you share today lay the foundation for a stronger relationship tomorrow.

When the mere thought of raising an issue with a loved one fills you with dread, you are likely experiencing confrontation anxiety. Yet, navigating through confrontations is crucial for sustaining a loving and genuine bond. Our research shows that when conflicts are addressed in a healthy way, they can actually draw you closer, fostering deeper understanding and trust. Let’s explore how you can transform conflicts into opportunities for growth, paving the way for richer, more fulfilling connections.

Brief Overview

Navigating conflict in relationships can feel intimidating, yet it’s crucial for fostering authentic connections. Understanding and addressing the fear of confrontation can transform anxiety into empowering dialogue, deepening connection and intimacy. Research shows that healthy conflict strengthens trust and opens pathways for growth. By adopting effective communication strategies and reframing conflicts as opportunities, you can build a resilient partnership. Embrace these challenges with empathy and open dialogue to enrich your relationship journey, paving the way for deeper understanding and emotional security. Remember, every difficult conversation is a step toward a more fulfilling relationship.

Key Highlights

• Fear of confrontation often stems from past experiences, leading to avoidance patterns in relationships.
• Healthy conflict can strengthen bonds by fostering honesty and encouraging deeper intimacy and understanding.
• Unhealthy conflict is characterized by blame, escalation, and defensiveness, harming emotional connections.
• Open, honest dialogue involves active listening, “I” statements, and scheduled relationship check-ins.
• Having a positive perspective about your partner and reframing conflict as a growth opportunity for your relationship will lead to deeper connection.

Understanding the Fear of Confrontation

When it comes to relationships, many of us know just how challenging the fear of confrontation can be. Often, the anxiety associated with the potential confrontation creates a pattern of avoidance that prevents meaningful connections. Exploring what’s behind this fear can help to uncover unresolved issues within the relationship. Usually this is a dynamic that has been developed as a way to cope with the environment often times beginning in childhood.

What Is Fear of Confrontation?

Fear of confrontation usually begins with anxiety that is rooted in the fear that the confrontation will lead to negative outcomes. There is a belief that confronting issues might make things worse with your partner, hurt your partner’s feelings or bring up negative emotions in yourself. Sometimes the fear is not about the outcome but rather the experience of going through the confrontation. 

By avoiding confrontation, the anxious person feels temporary relief. But over time, unresolved issues pile up, resentment grows, and relationships become strained. Every time avoidance “works” (reduces anxiety in the moment), the brain learns to keep using it. Unfortunately, this makes confrontation feel even scarier next time.

Common Reasons Behind the Fear

Identifying the reasons behind confrontation fear leads us to a better understanding of why many individuals find conflict in relationships overwhelming. Often, past experiences play a significant role; if you’ve faced negative consequences from confrontations, even subtle ones, your instinct might be to avoid them altogether. This past conditioning can create an intense fear of emotional overflow, which could lead to prolonged avoidance of critical discussions.

Moreover, many of us seek validation and approval, making the fear of upsetting a partner, or having them be ‘mad’ at us a substantial barrier to open communication. Our research indicates that emotional withdrawal functions as a common defensive response, which over time contributes to the accumulation of unresolved issues. Personal experiences, such as growing up in an environment where conflict was seen as negative, can deeply engrain these beliefs, making confrontation appear destructive rather than constructive.

There is also a perception in our culture that conflict is inherently negative or hostile. This can prevent individuals from recognizing the potential benefits of addressing issues head-on. By understanding that conflict can build rather than break bonds, you can begin to reframe what confrontation and conflict mean. Seeing confrontation as an opportunity instead of a threat can ease fear and open the door to growth in the relationship.

The Impact of Conflict on Relationships

Whether it’s a minor disagreement or a significant issue, the impact of conflict can shape the dynamics and overall health of your relationship. Understanding this impact helps couples transform conflict into opportunities to nurture intimacy and trust. But it’s also crucial to recognize when conflict crosses into unhealthy patterns, undermining the connection you treasure. Let’s explore how conflict can strengthen bonds and how to identify unhealthy dynamics if they are present.

How Conflict Can Strengthen Bonds

When you think about conflict, it might feel like a rift threatening to separate you and your partner. Yet, it’s vital to flip this narrative and see conflict as the bridge it can be. Healthy conflict transforms how relationships evolve by inviting honesty and vulnerability, encouraging deeper intimacy. Our research shows that when couples engage in healthy conflict, it can provide the pathway to understanding, creating a shared language where both voices and feelings matter.

Each conflict doesn’t have to feel overwhelming. Instead, it can become a chance to practice empathy, active listening, and reinforce the emotional depth of your relationship. You acknowledge the fears and feelings of one another, which actively strengthens the bonds you’re trying to protect. When you approach conflicts with the intent to understand rather than convince, you are strengthening your emotional connection. This kind of healthy conflict promotes growth, allowing couples to navigate life’s complexities together.

Moreover, addressing conflict transparently demonstrates commitment to the relationship’s health and wellbeing. It shows that you’re willing to do the hard work,  normalizing the idea that it’s okay not to agree on everything. Doing so not only nurtures individuality but also fosters an environment of authenticity. Remember, it’s not about fighting to win; it’s about fighting for the relationship. Intentionally navigating conflicts with love and respect forms the cornerstone of a lasting, fulfilling bond. Transform the perception of conflict from a destructive force to a constructive tool in deepening your connection.

Recognizing the Signs of Unhealthy Conflict

While healthy conflict can indeed be a powerful catalyst for growth, not all conflicts are created equal. Unhealthy conflict often creeps silently into relationships, damaging the bond over time. Recognizing these signs early on can help prevent long-term emotional harm. When conflict shifts from constructive dialogue to repetitive cycles of blame, escalation, and unresolved issues, it becomes unhealthy conflict. This pattern often leads to feelings of resentment that simmer beneath the surface, threatening to bubble over when not addressed.

Unhealthy conflict manifests when the dynamic becomes more about winning or proving a point rather than seeking mutual understanding and resolution. This is often accompanied by emotional withdrawal, silence, or passive-aggressive behaviors, creating emotional barriers instead of bridges. Excessive or aggressive arguments may leave one or both partners feeling unheard or invalidated, which erodes trust and psychological safety, fundamental pillars of any relationship.

Unhealthy conflict often stems from past interpersonal patterns, where negative confrontation modeled in earlier experiences influences current behaviors. If you find that interactions consistently result in distress, or if they repeatedly trigger defensiveness, it’s crucial to address these issues. Look for patterns where criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling are common, as these often indicate the presence of toxic conflict dynamics.

Ultimately, recognizing the signs of unhealthy conflict serves as the first step towards intervention and healing. It encourages partners to pause, reflect, and open dialogues aimed at repair and reconciliation. Normalizing the experience by understanding that even distressing conflict offers valuable insights can turn the narrative from one of despair to hope. As you work through these obstacles, remember, it’s entirely possible to restore, and even enhance, the emotional connection by mindfully repairing cracked lines of communication. 

Building Effective Communication Skills

Developing effective communication skills is essential to overcome the fear of confrontation and strengthen your relationship’s emotional intimacy. It’s about embracing open communication while creating a safe space where emotions can be expressed without fear. We’ll dive into strategies that foster honest dialogue and explore methods to cultivate an environment where communication is not just heard but understood. By nurturing these skills, couples can transform conflicts into opportunities for growth, enabling relationships to thrive even during challenging times.

Strategies for Open and Honest Dialogue

Open communication begins with cultivating an environment where both partners feel safe and respected. Our research shows this vulnerability can lead to deeper intimacy. It’s crucial to prioritize active listening, ensuring your partner’s voice is not just heard but valued. This involves acknowledging their feelings without immediate judgment, which fosters a dialogue grounded in understanding rather than defensiveness. By asking open-ended questions, you can encourage a flow of conversation that dives into the emotional layers of your relationship, addressing both the spoken words and the emotions beneath them.

It’s also beneficial to set aside dedicated time for honest dialogue, free from distractions. Regularly scheduled “relationship check-ins” can offer times for partners to express thoughts and feelings preemptively, preventing minor grievances from snowballing into major conflicts. During these sessions, maintaining open body language, like eye contact and nodding, affirms engagement and empathy, significantly enhancing the quality of communication. This deliberate practice turns conversations into a tool for relationship growth and resilience.

Creating a Safe Space for Expression

Establishing a safe space for expression is part of promoting healthy communication in relationships. We all know that feeling, when the fear of expressing oneself leads to pent-up emotions. Over time, this can hinder intimacy and create emotional distance. Creating a safe environment, however, nurtures openness and encourages partners to share their true selves without apprehension. It’s important to address any assumptions or biases that might cloud your perception of your partner’s intentions. Effective communication also means being mindful of your responses, steering clear of dismissive or judgmental replies that could stifle further expression. Agreeing on pause strategies, like taking a break during heated exchanges, helps both partners maintain composure and refocus on understanding rather than reacting impulsively.

Creating a safe space isn’t a passive activity; it demands active participation. Encourage emotional sharing without rushing to solutions immediately. Sometimes, simply validating your partner’s feelings is enough, showing that their emotions are both acknowledged and important. Use reflective listening, paraphrasing back what your partner has said, to affirm their sense of being heard. 

Practical Steps to Overcome the Fear of Confrontation

Embarking on the journey to overcome the fear of confrontation can feel overwhelming, but it’s a crucial step toward healthier relationships and deeper emotional connections. It’s about learning to navigate through conflict avoidance and embracing effective communication. By understanding practical techniques and tips for dealing with confrontations, individuals can transform conflicts into opportunities for emotional growth. 

Five Techniques to Embrace Constructive Conversations

We all know that feeling when the mere thought of a difficult conversation with your partner fills you with apprehension. Using these strategies, you can reduce the anxiety by having concrete ways to discuss difficult topics and overcome conflict avoidance.

1. Active listening

Active listening means giving your complete attention to your partner’s words and feelings without planning your response while they’re speaking. This approach fosters emotional awareness and helps you respond thoughtfully, rather than reacting impulsively. It’s also crucial to take a calm, measured approach to discussions. Practice pausing when emotions run high; this not only defuses tension but also signals respect for your partner’s perspective.

2. Use ‘I’ statements 

Using ‘I’ statements can significantly change the dynamics of a conversation. By expressing your feelings and needs without blaming your partner, you decrease the likelihood of defensive responses. For instance, saying, “I feel overwhelmed when things are left unresolved” is much more constructive than “You never listen to me.” This method encourages a more open and honest dialogue, helping both partners understand each other’s emotional landscapes without the fear of conflict escalation.

3. Regular check-ins 

Designating specific times to discuss any ongoing issues with your partner creates a structured environment where concerns can be voiced before they turn into conflicts. This proactive approach not only alleviates the buildup of emotional tension but also reinforces trust and teamwork within the relationship. Remember, conflict isn’t just about disputes; it’s an opportunity to dive deeper into each other’s needs, fostering a partnership built on mutual understanding and support.

4. Mindfulness

Mindful awareness plays a critical role in this transformation. By practicing mindfulness, you cultivate an ability to stay present during discussions, reducing the tendency to catastrophize or avoid. Approach each conversation with curiosity and a genuine desire to understand your partner’s viewpoint. Encouraging an inquisitive mindset not only normalizes emotions but also shifts the focus from proving a point to reaching a shared understanding. 

5. Positive perspective

Seeing your partner in the positive perspective means giving them the benefit of the doubt. It means that you are looking for the good things they are doing not what they are doing wrong. This is part of the mental shift that needs to happen along with seeing conflict as an opportunity for connection rather than as a threat to your existence.

Tips for Reframing Your Mindset Around Conflict

Reframing your mindset about conflict can significantly impact how you deal with confrontation, fostering healthier relationships where open communication thrives. Begin by recognizing conflict as an opportunity for growth rather than a source of anxiety. Acknowledge the fear and discomfort while using these concrete strategies to move forward. You will retrain your brain to no longer avoid conflict as a strategy, instead replacing it with supportive conversations with the person you love. By having more and more positive experiences dealing with conflict you will experience less anxiety and act less avoidant.

Creating a narrative of collaboration rather than competition significantly transforms confrontational energy. Encourage each other to express feelings and thoughts by actively validating  emotions even if you disagree with the words. This approach promotes emotional safety and deters the cycle of avoidance or escalation.  It’s all about nurturing a resilient emotional bond that thrives on open dialogues, offering hope and realistic expectations as you navigate together through the challenges of intimacy.

It’s natural to shy away from conflict, yet addressing and understanding it can serve as a vital tool for strengthening your relationship. By embracing these moments with open communication and empathy, you transform them into opportunities for growth and connection. Remember, every step you take towards addressing your fears is a step towards a healthier, more satisfying relationship. 

He’s known today for being a multimillionaire Shark Tank star, but when he graduated college in 1984 with an English degree, he was lost on how to jumpstart his career. He bounced between odd jobs—waiting tables, field producing at the Olympics, even helping direct a movie—before realizing juggling gigs wouldn’t set him apart.

Instead, he leaned into the one skill he knew he could master: communication.

“Be great at one thing. The world does not reward general talent. The only place that works is on Jeopardy,” he tells Fortune.

That focus, he says, was key to unlocking his cybersecurity career and helping him become a millionaire by age 26. And while one might expect his English degree to have been a disadvantage in tech, it actually was a benefit. Among the crowded cyber field, Herjavec was the one who was different.

“I had to develop the ability to communicate, and I had to develop the ability to spot talent,” he adds. “I didn’t understand the technology initially, but I was good at understanding people who understood the technology.”

Wringing out every opportunity in life

Herjavec’s drive was shaped from a young age, after immigrating to Canada with his parents from then-Yugoslavia with just one suitcase and $50—a sacrifice that left a lasting impact.

“We lived in someone’s basement for 18 months,” he says. “So I think that drove me for a really long time. I felt if I didn’t make it, if I didn’t make something of myself, it didn’t justify their sacrifice.”

Even after accomplishing his first major milestone—paying off both his and his parents’ homes and feeling like “the richest person in the world”—Herjavec’s ambition only deepened. Instead of resting on his success, he started to question the true meaning of achievement and what it takes to make a life worthwhile.

“For the last so many years, for me, it’s about reaching a potential that I’ll probably never get to,” he says. “It’s that constant pursuit of perfection.” 

“How good can I be? How much can I push myself to really wring out every opportunity in this life? So, now my whole goal is on my deathbed, the last words under my mouth I want them to be ‘I’m tired,’” he adds.

The power of team building

Now 17 years into Shark Tank, Herjavec has sat through thousands of investor pitches —but he notes it’s often not the idea that is the most important, but rather the people behind it.

When a holiday-themed appeal company, Tipsy Elves, came seeking investment during season 5 of Shark Tank, even Herjavec admitted the idea was a bit silly. However, after its founders Evan Mendelsohn and Nick Morton began explaining their passion and business sense, Herjavec was sold: He invested $100,000 in exchange for a 10% stake in the company that had about $650,000 in annual sales.

This ultimately became Herjavec’s biggest investment win from the show. More than a decade later, the company has scaled to making over $300 million in lifetime revenue—proving just how success can come from unlikely ventures.

“The great thing about being an entrepreneur is you can write your own story of greatness,” he told Fortune. “It’s all up to you.”

The newest season of Shark Tank premieres on Wednesday, Sept. 24.

Do you have a rags-to-riches story to share? Email Fortune at [email protected]

Fortune Global Forum returns Oct. 26–27, 2025 in Riyadh. CEOs and global leaders will gather for a dynamic, invitation-only event shaping the future of business. Apply for an invitation.

There’s something to be said for slow and steady progress, but there’s also something to be said for decisive and sweeping action. When it comes to negative social habits, there’s no time like today to quit cold turkey. Of course that’s a lot easier said than done, but with practice we can do better almost immediately.

Lately I’ve been making it a point to bring more awareness to the specific social habits our coaching clients have been repeatedly complaining about or engaging in. And perhaps more importantly than that, I’ve also been noticing how frequently many of the same habits and behaviors surface in my personal relationships. I mean let’s be honest, we all misbehave in our relationships sometimes. None of us are immune to occasional mood swings, but that doesn’t excuse what we do to each other on a daily basis. 

Over the past 15 years, through our coaching practice and live events, Angel and I have literally worked with hundreds of individuals looking to strengthen their relationships, and we’ve learned a lot about what it takes to make that happen. One of the key realizations, again, is the fact that most problems in our relationships (both intimate and platonic) arise from the same basic negative social habits and behavioral patterns. Here are some of the more prevalent ones to be aware of…

1. Giving the silent treatment.

Tuning out, ignoring, disengaging, refusing to acknowledge, etc. All variations of the silent treatment don’t just remove the other person from the disagreement or argument you’re having with them, it ends up removing them, emotionally, from the relationship you have with them. Truly, when you’re purposely ignoring someone you’re really teaching them to live without you. If that’s what you want, be clear about it. And if not, reengage with them in a constructive way.

2. Seeking attention by complaining.

I spoke with a new friend yesterday who all but refused to talk about the positive aspects of their life. After listening to them vent about fairly minor troubles for an hour straight, I asked about some of the exciting projects they have going on (of which they have many). Within three sentences they were back to complaining about trivial things. We all need to share our troubles with friends or strangers from time to time, but don’t fall into the habit of turning conversations into your own personal dumping ground. It’s an easy way to get attention, but it’s a poor way to keep it, and it’s a poor way to view your life.

3. Using disagreements as justification to condemn someone’s character.

Complaints are OK. Disagreements are OK too. These are natural and honest reactions to a person’s decisions or behavior. But when complaints and disagreements spiral out of control into global attacks on a person’s entire character, rather than their occasional decisions or behavior, this spells trouble. For example: “They didn’t call me when they said they would because they were busy and forgot, but because they are a horrible, wretched, selfish person.” The bottom line here is that there’s a big difference between who someone is and what they sometimes do.

4. Using (subtle) hateful gestures.

Frequent name-calling, eye-rolling, belittling, mockery, childish threats, rude teasing, etc. In whatever form, gestures like these are poisonous to a relationship because they convey hate. And it’s virtually impossible to strengthen a relationship, or resolve a conflict, when the other person is constantly receiving the message that you hate them.

5. Focusing on the inner monologue instead of the actual dialogue.

“Holy crap! How should I respond? What can I say that will sound smart and clever? I really hope they think I’m intelligent. I could touch on symbolism or make a reference to post-modernism. Wait… what did they just ask me?” Stay focused on the other person’s words and points. People rarely mind when you say, “Hmm, let me think about that for a moment.” Quite the opposite, since it shows that you’re taking the conversation seriously. If you compose your answers while someone else is speaking, you’re really only having half a conversation, and it’s usually quite obvious. (Read “Just Listen”.)

6. Multi-tasking while engaging with people.

Even if you are a professional multitasker, if you’re talking to someone, talk to them and that’s it. Don’t browse online, don’t watch TV, don’t scroll through social media, etc. If you really don’t have the time to talk, be honest and find another time, or cut it short. The bottom line is that there’s no greater gift of kindness, and no greater expression of caring that you can offer, than your undivided time and attention. (Note: Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the Relationships chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

7. De-emphasizing compliments, or fishing for more of them, with self-effacing remarks.

“Oh, I look terrible today” … after someone compliments you. “I just threw it together at the last minute” … when you obviously dressed up. “I’m really not good at things like this” … when the people you’re with say you are. Don’t do this to yourself and others. It’s not flattering or helpful behavior. By making self-effacing comments, you basically force the other person to repeat their compliment or defend it, which is not a gracious thing to do. It’s perfectly OK to say simply “thank you” when you’re complimented. It’s not snobby, it’s just a basic courtesy.

8. Holding the past against people who have been “forgiven.”

If someone you love or care about makes a mistake and you choose to forgive them, your actions must reinforce your words. In other words, let bygones be bygones. Don’t use their past wrongdoings to continuously justify your own present righteousness. When you constantly use someone’s past wrongdoings to make yourself seem “better” than them (“I’m better than you because, unlike you, I didn’t do XYZ in the past.”), it’s a lose-lose situation in the long run.

9. Withholding the truth.

The key thing to remember here is that secrets can be just as deceitful as openly telling a lie. All too often, I’ll hear a coaching client say something like, “I didn’t tell him, but I didn’t lie about it either.” This statement is a contradiction, as omissions are lies. If you’re covering up your tracks or withholding the truth in any way, it’s only a matter of time before the truth comes out and trust in the relationship completely breaks down. Being honest is the only way to be at peace with yourself and those you care about.

10. Leveraging or accepting emotional blackmail.

Emotional blackmail happens when you apply an emotional penalty against someone if they don’t do exactly what you want them to do. The key condition here is that they change they’re behavior against their will as a result of the emotional blackmail. Absent the emotional blackmail they would live differently, but they fear the penalty from you and so they give in. If that sounds familiar, the solution relies heavily on better communication. If two people care about each other and want to maintain a healthy relationship, they absolutely need to be allowed to openly communicate all of their feelings to each other, not just the agreeable and positive ones. If this is not allowed or supported — if one or both people fear penalty or punishment for their honesty — lies and deceit will gradually transpire.

Remember, we all have a responsibility.

As you reflect on the negative social habits above, do your best to keep things in perspective. If you recognize one or more of them in your relationships, refrain from pointing fingers. Take some responsibility so you can put yourself in a position to make positive changes. Remind yourself that when you deny 100% responsibility in a relationship problem or conflict, all you’re really doing is blaming the other person. You’re saying, in effect, “The problem is never me and it’s always you.” This denial of responsibility usually just escalates everything, because there’s a complete and utter breakdown of communication.

The key thing to understand is that you have a choice. Either you’re choosing to be in a relationship with another person or you aren’t. If you’re choosing to be in, then you are responsible for it. Denying this means you’re giving up all your power to the other person — you’re their victim, regardless of circumstances (positive or negative), because you’ve given them 100% of the responsibility for the relationship you have with them. So again, even when the behavior driving a relationship problem belongs to the other person, the only way to find common ground, or simply create a healthy boundary and more space for yourself, is to first own the fact that you have a responsibility to address.

And also keep in mind that when your friendship, marriage, parenting, etc. gets difficult, it’s not an immediate sign that you’re doing it wrong. These intimate, intricate relationships are toughest when you’re doing them right — when you’re dedicating time, compromising, having the tough conversations, and making daily sacrifices.

Healthy long-tern relationships are always amazing, but rarely easy 24/7. Resisting the hard times and seeing them as immediate evidence that something is wrong, or that you’re in a relationship with the wrong person, only amplifies the difficulties. By contrast, finding the patience and mindfulness to view the challenges as an opportunity to work together will likely give your relationship the energy and strength needed to transcend the problems.

And finally, practice tuning in to your own feelings and needs. Note the times and circumstances when you’re resentful of fulfilling someone else’s needs. Gradually establish healthy and reasonable boundaries by saying no to gratuitous requests that cause resentfulness in you. Of course, this will be hard at first because it may feel selfish. But if you’ve ever flown on a plane you know that flight attendants instruct passengers to put on their own oxygen masks before tending to others, even their own children. Why? Because you can’t help others if you’re incapacitated. In the long run, proactively establishing and enforcing healthy and reasonable boundaries in your relationships will be one of the most charitable things you can do for both yourself and those you care about.

Now it’s your turn…

Yes, it’s your turn to get out there and bring some healthy awareness to how you’re showing up in your relationships. But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us.

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

Love languages have been a hot topic for decades, and if you believe in them and they work for your relationship, they can honestly be a great resource for staying connected and on the same page as your partner. When you know your partner’s love language is physical touch, for example, you can use a hug or holding hands or just snuggling on the couch as a way to bridge any gaps you’re feeling or to make them feel loved and comforted.

But do love languages work with friendships?

The thing about love languages is that they’re a helpful tool in ensuring your partner feels all the love and appreciation you have for them by meeting them where they need you to. So, it makes sense that it would work for friends. Maybe your friend who feels left out when you don’t text back promptly enough, or the friend who feels down because you guys haven’t had enough quality time together, would benefit from you knowing their love language. But is that realistic?

“I do think knowing a friend’s or a partner’s preferred way of receiving support and comfort can be incredibly helpful,” says Arkadiy Volkov, RP, clinical director at Feel Your Way Therapy. “Whether we call it a ‘love language’ or simply ‘what makes them feel cared for,’ understanding what makes another person feel good can make it so much easier for us to be there for them. And it shows our care for them and our willingness to meet them where they are.”

But Volkov acknowledges that it’s also not great to make friendships or any relationship “too rule-bound or heavy with expectations.” By turning that connection into a “checklist,” Volkov says we risk “losing the spontaneity and natural generosity that make friendships so rewarding.”

As with all things, what often works best is a balance, he says. “We can be aware of our friends’ preferences, but also leave room for trial and error. Sometimes, offering care in the way we feel moved to can open up new moments of understanding. And when a relationship is solid and not overly fragile, both people can handle those small misses with grace. They can say, ‘That’s not quite what I needed, but I appreciate the effort,’ and in turn, we can adjust without feeling criticized.”

There are so many online discussions, TikToks, and reels about the value of friendship and what happens when one person feels like the other is less invested. And that kind of chatter always makes me feel super guilty: for being a bad texter, for not always initiating a night out, for not buying my friends more little gifts when I think of them. But it doesn’t make me a bad friend, especially not if I’m committed to a friendship and trying to meet my friend’s needs — just maybe not in the way they’d prefer.

Organically, all of us learn what those around us prefer. Whether it’s our kids, partners, or family members, we know that some people prefer getting confrontation over and done with immediately, and some prefer quiet time before a deep discussion. We can tell when we need to check in, like when one kid needs a little extra chat time at bed or your spouse wants you to watch a show on Netflix with them. We can feel it because we’re close to our people and love them, and we can adapt to what they need while still not overwhelming ourselves. It’s a fill-everyone’s-cups kind of situation.

“The healthiest friendships, in my experience, are those where both people can express their needs openly while also accepting that no one gets it right every time,” Volkov says. “There’s trust in the relationship’s resilience, so even imperfect attempts at support are seen as acts of care.”

These are the friends you can go weeks without seeing, and it’s like no time passed. The friends who would rather talk on the phone for an hour, but still feel your love and support in a 3-minute voice note sent while driving your kid to basketball. The friends who offer to pick up your kids and make you brownies and show up to clean your house when you’re overwhelmed because they love acts of service, and not because they expect anything. The friends who know you’re trying your best and love you for it.

Because friendship might just be a broad love language all on its own.

Maybe you’ve been together for months, or even years, but something feels uncertain. You love each other—that much you know—but love alone doesn’t guarantee a successful relationship. The truth is, the strongest partnerships don’t happen by accident. They’re built with intention, care, and yes—a plan.

So many couples drift through their relationships hoping things will just “work out,” only to find themselves facing the same conflicts, growing apart, or feeling like they’re becoming strangers who happen to share a bed.

Here’s what our research has shown us: The couples who thrive don’t just stumble into happiness. They make deliberate choices every day to nurture their connection. They plan for relationship success just like they would plan for any other important goal in life.

Understanding the Foundations of a Successful Relationship

What Makes a Relationship Successful?

When we think about how to plan a successful relationship, it helps to understand what we’re actually planning for. A successful relationship isn’t one without problems—it’s one where two people have learned to navigate life’s challenges together while maintaining their love, respect, and friendship.

What makes relationships work isn’t the absence of conflict—it’s how couples repair and reconnect afterward. Our decades of research with thousands of couples have identified specific patterns that distinguish thriving partnerships from struggling ones:

• Friendship and fondness: Healthy relationships are built on a strong friendship and admiration of one another
• Emotional responsiveness: Partners turn toward each other’s bids for connection rather than away
• Positive perspective: They give each other the benefit of the doubt and focus on strengths
• Effective communication: They’ve learned to speak honestly without attacking each other’s character
• Shared meaning: They’ve created a life together that feels purposeful and aligned

Common Myths About Love 

First let’s address some myths that can derail even the most well-intentioned couples:

Myth 1: “If it’s meant to be, it will just happen naturally” The reality? Every strong relationship requires intentional effort. Love may spark naturally, but lasting partnerships requires work. 

Myth 2: “We shouldn’t have to work so hard at this” Here’s the truth: All meaningful relationships require work—not exhausting, draining work, but the kind of consistent attention you’d give to your mental health, your career, or any other priority in your life.

Myth 3: “If we’re compatible, we won’t fight” What we’ve learned: Among long-term couples about 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual problems — meaning they stem from fundamental personality differences, lifestyle preferences, or values, and therefore never fully go away. The key isn’t avoiding conflict—it’s learning to navigate it respectfully.

The Role of Emotional Intelligence and Self-Awareness

You can’t build a healthy partnership without first being emotionally healthy as an individual. Take the time to develop self-awareness about your patterns, triggers, and needs. Developing emotional intelligence includes: 

• Being able to recognize, understand, and manage your own emotions 
• Attuning to your partner’s emotions

This is more than just being a ‘good communicator.’ It’s about noticing what you’re feeling, allowing room for your partner’s feelings and perspective and then the emotions with compassion and care. When couples build emotional intelligence together, they tend to communicate more openly and stay more connected especially when life gets hard.

How to Plan a Successful Relationship from the Start

Align on Core Values and Life Goals

Here’s where many couples get tripped up: They assume love means they want the same things from life. But successful relationship planning starts with honest conversations about what you each value most deeply.

Try this tonight: Set aside an hour to discuss these questions together:

• What does a meaningful life look like to you?
• How important is financial security versus adventure?
• What role do you want family (both your families of origin and potential future children) to play in your life?
• How do you handle stress, and what support do you need from a partner during difficult times?

Discuss Boundaries and Non Negotiables

Every person brings non negotiables into a relationship—things they absolutely need or absolutely cannot accept. The key is discussing these openly before they become sources of resentment.

Some potential non negotiables to explore:

• How you handle finances and financial decisions
• Expectations around time with friends, family, and alone time
• Life plans e.g. where you want to live, whether you want children
• Career priorities and how they might affect the relationship

Create a Relationship Vision Together

Just as you might create a vision board for your career or personal goals, successful couples benefit from articulating their shared vision for their partnership.

Ask yourselves:

• What kind of couple do we want to be in five years?
• How do we want to handle major life decisions together?
• What traditions or rituals do we want to create?
• How will we support each other’s individual growth while building something together?

Communication: The Cornerstone of Relationship Success

According to relationship expert, Dr. John Gottman, the ‘fundamental unit of emotional communication’ is a bid. Bids are subtle requests for connection. They can be verbal or nonverbal, funny or serious. They are intentionally subtle and indirect because people are afraid to be vulnerable and put themselves out there.

The key is in how you respond to a bid. There are 3 choices:

1. Turning towards (acknowledging the bid)

2. Turning away (ignoring or missing the bid)

3. Turning against (rejecting the bid in an argumentative or belligerent way)

Let’s say you’re doing dishes, and your partner asks you how your day was. You could look up from what you’re doing and respond with details about a difficult interaction you had with your boss. That’s turning towards. You’re telling your partner you see and value them.

Turning away from your partner, in the same situation, would be ignoring them or just grunting and continuing what you were doing.

Turning against them takes the form of an attack, such as replying, “Why are you always interrupting me when I’m trying to get things done?”

Why do bids matter?

Gottman found a critical difference in how successful long term couples respond to bids for connection versus unhappy couples that may or may not stay together. Successful couples turned towards each other 86% of the time while the unhappy couples only did so 33% of the time.

How to Navigate Conflict and Disagreements

Here’s the truth about conflict: It’s not what causes breakups, how you deal with conflict is what’s important. When couples fight, they’re usually fighting about something deeper than the surface issue.

The “money fight” is rarely about money. It’s often about feeling valued, independence, or security.. The “housework fight” is usually about fairness, appreciation, or feeling like teammates.

When conflict arises, try this approach:

1. Pause and check in with yourself

Before reacting to something your partner says or does, take a breath and ask yourself, What am I feeling right now? Naming your own emotions gives you a better chance of responding thoughtfully instead of reacting.

2. Listen to understand, not to defend

When your partner’s talking, really listen to what they are saying instead of formulating a response in your head. Instead of countering what they say,  ask clarifying questions. Reflect back what you’ve heard to make sure you fully understand.

3. Validate before problem solving

Usually your partner doesn’t want a solution…they just want to feel heard. It can be really hard to not problem solve, but  a simple “That sounds really hard” is more powerful than a solution.

4. Take breaks when emotions run high

When either partner is in a state of intense physiological arousal during conflict, their body floods with hormones, and the fight/flight/freeze response occurs. It is important to pause and take a break of at least 20 minutes. This will allow them to get back to a state of regulation where they are able to listen and engage with their partner.  

Building Trust and Emotional Safety

Consistency and Reliability

Trust isn’t built in grand gestures—it’s built in small, daily moments of reliability. It’s calling when you say you’ll call. When you promise to pick up groceries, you pick up groceries. When you commit to working on something together, you follow through.

Trust-building behaviors include:

• Following through on commitments, both big and small
• Being honest about your feelings, even when it’s uncomfortable
• Taking responsibility when you make mistakes
• Showing up emotionally when your partner needs support

Vulnerability and Mutual Respect

The strongest relationships aren’t built by strong people who never struggle—they’re built by people who feel safe being vulnerable with each other.

Vulnerability means:

• Sharing your fears and insecurities without shame
• Asking for help when you need it
• Admitting when you don’t know something
• Expressing your needs clearly, even if you’re afraid of rejection

But vulnerability only works in the context of respect. Your partner needs to handle your vulnerabilities with care, and you need to handle theirs the same way.

Maintaining a Healthy Relationship Over Time

Quality Time and Shared Experiences

Life has a way of pulling couples apart if they’re not intentional about staying connected. Work demands, family obligations, individual interests, stress—all of these can gradually erode the sense of partnership if you’re not careful.

Spending intentional, quality time together is an important part of the plan for a successful relationship. Sitting on the couch scrolling your phones next to each other isn’t quality time. Having a real conversation over dinner, going for a walk together, or trying something new as a couple—that’s what builds and maintains connection.

Ideas for quality time that actually connects:

• Weekly check-ins where you each share something you’re grateful for and something you need support with
• Monthly adventures—doesn’t have to be expensive, just something you do together
• Daily rituals like coffee together in the morning or a few minutes to connect when you both get home from work
• Learning something new together—a language, a hobby, a skill

Physical Intimacy and Affection

Physical connection—from holding hands to sexual intimacy—is the way couples maintain a bond that’s different from friendship. But physical intimacy requires trust and emotional connection. 

Small gestures make a huge difference:

• Hugging when you reunite after time apart
• Holding hands while watching a movie
• A gentle touch on the shoulder during conversation
• Kissing goodbye, even when you’re rushing out the door

Supporting Each Other’s Individual Growth

Successful partners support each other’s dreams, friendships, and personal development.

This means:

• Encouraging your partner’s goals, even when they require time and energy
• Maintaining your own interests and friendships
• Celebrating each other’s successes without competition
• Giving each other space to grow and change

• Celebrate your relationship milestones

Checklist: How to Plan a Successful Relationship

Daily, Weekly, and Monthly Relationship Habits

Daily

Appreciation & Admiration: Take 5 minutes daily to express something you genuinely admire about your partner, adding up to 35 minutes per week. 

Affection: Dedicate 5 minutes every day to physical closeness—hugs, cuddles, kisses—approx 35 minutes per week.

Weekly

Date Night: Set aside 2 hours once a week for one-on-one time—free of distractions. 

State-of-the-Union Meeting: Hold a 1-hour weekly check-in to highlight what’s going well, share appreciations, discuss issues, and ask, “What can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?” 

Monthly

• Try something new together
• Discuss your goals and dreams
• Plan for upcoming challenges or changes
• Celebrate your relationship in some way

Questions to Reflect on Together

Set aside time each month to discuss these questions:

About your connection:

• What’s been working well for us lately?
• Where do we need to put more attention or effort?
• How are we supporting each other’s individual growth?

Looking to the future:

• What are we most excited about in the coming months?
• What challenges do we need to prepare for?
• How can we better align our goals and values?

Relationship habits:

• Which of our relationship practices are serving us well?
• What new habits might strengthen our connection?
• How can we make time for what matters most to us?

Common Mistakes to Avoid

Even well-intentioned couples can fall into patterns that undermine their connection:

Taking each other for granted. Just because you’re committed doesn’t mean you can stop making an effort.

Assuming you know what your partner needs. Ask, don’t guess.

Trying to change your partner. Focus on your own growth and behavior.

Keeping score. Healthy relationships aren’t about perfect equality in every moment—they’re about both people contributing their best effort.

Avoiding difficult conversations. Problems don’t disappear when ignored—they typically get worse.

Conclusion: Love is Intentional, Not Accidental

Every great relationship is the result of two people making daily choices to prioritize their relationship. Love may bring you together, but working on your connection keeps you together through all of life’s seasons.

The couples who thrive make their relationship work through intention, effort, and commitment to growth. They understand that knowing how to plan a successful relationship isn’t about always agreeing—it’s about building skills for navigating whatever comes your way.

Your relationship is one of the most important investments you’ll ever make. Give it the same thoughtfulness, energy, and planning you’d give to any other major goal in your life.

There will be seasons of closeness and seasons of challenge, times when connection feels effortless and times when it requires more intention. That’s not a sign that your relationship is failing—it’s a sign that you’re human.

Your love story is still being written. Make it one of intention, respect, and the kind of partnership that makes both of your lives richer, more meaningful, and more joy-filled.