What Is Love?

Love is a feeling that can be expressed in many different ways. It can be communicated through words, actions and behaviors. It is a deep feeling of affection and caring for another person. It is a necessary part of relationships, but in and of itself not enough to sustain relationships through the trials and tribulations of life. 

Expression of Love

There has been a lot of focus on love and its expression. People show love by being affectionate, doing nice things for one another, showing their partner care, and telling them how much they mean to them. 

People receive love in different ways as well. Some people love to receive compliments and affection. Others prefer when their partner cooks dinner and does the dishes for them. Because there is so much variation in how people express and receive love, there can be a disconnect in relationships. What if one partner feels loved when their partner plans a getaway weekend for them, while the other expresses love by doing the laundry and baking a cake? 

Reasons for Differences

Like with most relationship issues, the reason for differences usually predate the relationship, originating from childhood. Here are some common reasons:

• How you were raised
• The way your parents showed you love
• How your parents expressed love to one another 
• Relationships with your friends 
• What you experienced in past relationships
• Your individual personality. 

Love Mismatch 

When there is a difference between how your partner expresses love and how you like to receive love, there is a mismatch. This type of mismatch can lead to misunderstandings and conflict. One partner might feel unappreciated and the other may feel misunderstood. Let’s say your husband goes out and buys an expensive necklace with your birthstone for your birthday. But you don’t wear a lot of jewelry and you are stressed about finances. When you receive it, you immediately think, I won’t wear this. What he spent on the necklace could have paid off the credit card bill. Your husband sees your face and feels badly. He might think I can never make her happy! Or she doesn’t appreciate the effort I make.

So this is where the difference between love and emotional connection comes into play. 

Emotional Connection

Emotional connection is a deep bond between two people based on trust, commitment and a strong friendship. It is an intimacy that goes beyond love where your partner’s wellbeing is not just important to you but a part of how you think and what you consider as you move through your daily life.

What Does Emotional Connection Look Like?

• It begins with understanding your partner’s current world.
• What are they worried about?
• Who are their close friends?
• What are they looking forward to?
• How is their work?

So let’s go back to the scenario of the necklace for your birthday. If your husband had known that you were currently worried about money, he might have taken that into consideration when buying your birthday gift. If he paid attention to the fact that you wanted a day off from cooking and planning, he might have made the dinner plans. He can still give you a piece of jewelry so that he feels like he is expressing his love, but it could have been something less expensive and more meaningful.

This way you would both feel like you were giving and receiving love,  and that it was appreciated by one another. You can see how this one small example can have different variations throughout your daily life, resulting in hurt feelings, misunderstandings and eventually resentment. This is not from an absence of love but rather a lack of understanding that comes from a true emotional connection.

Open-Ended Questions

One of the strongest predictors of lasting intimacy is how well partners stay connected in each other’s inner worlds. Keeping your partner in your mind’s awareness — even when you’re apart — is fundamental to emotional connection. You are moving through life together, not living parallel lives.

You do this by asking questions to more deeply understand them on a daily basis. Ask questions that invite your partner to open up, rather than ones that only allow for a one word response. It might look like ‘Tell me about the most stressful part of your day today” vs “How was your day?” Actively inviting your partner to share their experience, thoughts and feelings with you builds connection and trust. 

Showing Appreciation

Noticing the positive things your partner does AND sharing your appreciation with them is an important part of a healthy happy relationship. It is easy to fall into a negative state of mind where you only notice the things your partner doesn’t do. That is a natural part of how the brain functions – the negativity bias. However, if you look for the positive in your environment, you will find it. When you regularly share appreciation and kindness towards your partner, you are creating a positive dynamic and feedback loop which leads to more and more positivity between the two of you.

Bids

Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that how couples handle ‘bids for connection’ is what can make or break a relationship. In fact he calls them ‘the fundamental unit of emotional communication.’ Bids for connection are those often subtle attempts to get attention from your partner. They can be verbal, nonverbal and/or a simple gesture. It is an expression of a desire to connect with your partner without actually saying “I want to connect. Pay attention to me!” 3 year olds are great at doing this with their parents, but as we get older it becomes more difficult to put ourselves in that position of vulnerability.

What Do Bids Look Like?

Bids may be thoughts, feelings, observations, opinions, or invitations. Easily recognizable verbal bids may sound like this:

• Do you want to grab a cup of coffee with me?

• Could you ask your friends if they know a good auto mechanic?

• The neighbor’s house just went up for sale.

• Did you see that news story about…?

According to Dr. Gottman, nonverbal bids include:

• Affectionate touching, such as a fun handshake, a pat, a squeeze, a kiss, a hug, or a back or shoulder rub.

• Facial expressions, such as a smile, blowing a kiss, making a silly face, or sticking out your tongue.

• Playful touching, such as tickling, bopping, wrestling, dancing, or a gentle bump or shove.

• Affiliating gestures, such as opening a door, offering a place to sit, handing over a utensil, or pointing to a shared activity or interest.

• Vocalizing, such as laughing, chuckling, grunting, sighing, or groaning in a way that invites interaction or interest.

How Do You Respond to a Bid?

There are three ways you can respond to a bid:

1. Turning towards (acknowledging and engaging with the bid)
2. Turning away (ignoring or missing the bid)
3. Turning against (rejecting the bid through argument or hostility)

Gottman found a critical difference in how happy and unhappy couples respond to bids for connection. Happy couples turned towards each other 86% of the time. Unhappy couples turned towards each other only 33% of the time.

In fact, happy couples bid all the time. Gottman found that at the dinner table, happy couples might bid as many as one hundred times in a ten-minute period! It comes down to simply paying attention to one another and valuing and feeling valued by your partner. 

The Role of Love

Falling in love with someone feels good…really good. There is an initial phase of love where hormones and neurotransmitters (including dopamine- the ‘feel good’ hormone) are released. This can cause a feeling of euphoria, intoxication….a high. This phase can last for several weeks to a couple of years at which point you will learn that while love is important, without emotional connection the relationship will likely not survive. 

Even when love is present, frequent misunderstandings or hurt feelings can create distance. Often, this stems from differing ways of expressing love. When you center your attention on building emotional connection, you begin to bridge those differences and strengthen your bond.

When you have an emotional connection, you can argue without feeling like your relationship might end. You can fight and still know that your partner loves and respects you. Emotional connection allows you to move through the inevitable challenges that will arise in your relationship and in life. You have a sense of ‘we-ness’ vs ‘me-ness’ and know that regardless of what is happening around you, you have each other’s backs. This is the difference between love and emotional connection.

Recipe for Success

Research shows that doing the following will create an emotional loving connection:

1. Know your partner’s world and hold space for it in your head and heart
2. Ask your partner questions, inviting them to share and be vulnerable with you
3. Notice the positive in your partner and let them know 
4. Turn towards your partner when they make a bid for connection
5. Make and respond to lots and lots of bids

Life is full of external stress and pressures, unknowns and challenges. In between there are lots of moments. It is what you do in these moments that will allow you to get through the hard times with your partner. When you use these moments to connect and show your partner care, you are drastically increasing your chances of having a happy, healthy relationship. Unfortunately simply loving someone doesn’t fortify your relationship in the same way.  Without the practices and moments of connection, love might exist but partners can drift apart emotionally. Love becomes an idea or an abstract, but not a shared and lived experience. So make the most of those small moments, do the little things that make a big difference to keep your love alive and have a successful relationship. 

It’s tough to get dating advice from guys because they don’t spend half as much time talking about the dating game as women do.  Here we are sharing the 7 most important needs the majority of men want from an intimate relationship.

Don’t worry if you’re lacking in a few categories, talk to any guy and he will tell you that a serious relationship isn’t about ‘checking boxes’.

1. Lust for life: Although this sounds like a cliché it’s really important that you are as happy and as satisfied with life as he is. That said, a man wants to contribute to a woman’s happiness but he doesn’t want to be the sole reason she’s happy.

2. Together we’re better: Men want to be with someone who has their back and helps them achieve their life goals, be it climbing Mount Everest or winning the next Master Chef.

3. Between the sheets: Men want to be with a woman who finds pleasure in physical intimacy and is secure enough in her sexuality that she can share with him what turns her on. Guys aren’t mind-readers so it’s important to communicate your desires.

 4. Don’t take life too seriously: A relationship without laughter and levity isn’t much of a relationship at all. It’s great that you’ve got your goals and that you are ambitious but remember that we all just want to have fun so don’t take life too seriously and try to laugh at your mistakes.

 5. Appreciation:  Independence is sexy so don’t become a damsel in distress just because you think that’s what a guy’s ego needs. However, he needs to know he makes your life better by being there for you and doing things for you. This is why paying him compliments and showing appreciation for his effort goes a long way. Think positive reinforcement!

 6. Balance: Sometimes men don’t get the nuances of women’s emotions but most of them are open to learning. It’s important to give them context and tell them what you need because, again, they’re not mind-readers.

7. Meaningful conversations: Don’t dumb yourself down just to boost his ego. If he’s into you he’s going to want to have deep and meaningful conversations, and really understand the person he loves so not hiding your smarts is a good thing.

You don’t need to have all of these qualities to be a total catch but we want you to remember that when a guy commits to a woman he is saying Yes to her as well as saying No to all the other women he could be dating. Even if a guy isn’t a player he will still think about the loss of ‘playing the field’ opportunities in those terms. By bringing a lot to the table (or bringing the table, full stop!) he’ll forget about everyone else because the only opportunity he wants is to maximise is you.

Read more about how single men approach love on the Good Men Project website.

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Achieving success as a professional is something that most people can do but how much effort are you putting into being a great partner? When it comes to relationships what are you like with the basics such as communication, love and trust? Are there any aspects of a relationship that you tend to neglect? Knowing these 5 basic essentials about attachment styles will help you master any romantic relationship.

If you’re anything like me, you’ll be eager to uncover any little morsel of information that will help you to identify why relationships haven’t worked in the past. Once you have that knowledge and you can apply it, you’ll probably start to understand relationship dynamics more effectively and you can tackle any issues that arise in your relationship a bit more effectively.

 Why is it worth knowing about attachment styles?

I improved every relationship in my life once I understood the four attachment styles and how they relate to each other. So, the good thing is that the tips and facts that you’ll learn will help you with any close relationships you might experience and not just the ones you have with romantic partners (or potential ones)!

Have you ever noticed that you are dating the same kind of person over and over again? Knowing which category, you fit into is a good thing because it can be a big indication of how successful you are in new relationships and what you might need to work on. Our attachment style describes the patterns and trends we have shown when we connect with new people and form relationships. Although Psychologists say that the pattern setting takes place during childhood, like most things it can be worked on and improved.

What types of attachment styles are there? 

• Secure Attachment – This is the most common form of attachment with 62% of the population fitting into this category. As the name suggests, it’s the most stable form and it basically means that love and trust come easily to a person. For a romantic relationship, this would mean that there’s little fear of abandonment or the fear of what will happen if someone gets close to you.

• Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment – This category is built on the anxiety a person has to make a connection with another person. We’ve all seen those relationships where someone needs to be reassured and clings to an idea of safety but all it does is drive a wedge between them and the other person. That’s what an anxiously attached individual does.

• Avoidant Attachment – It’s not pleasant to be on the receiving end of this attachment style. There are two subgroups of this one – “dismissive” and “fearful”. While dismissive people are likely to focus on their independence, the fearful type is often overwhelmed by their attachment anxiety and can be unpredictable to be around.

• Fearful-Avoidant Attachment – Only between 1-5% of the population fits into this category. Someone is fearful avoidant is either scared of getting close to and connecting with someone or they overanalyse the depth of the relationship constantly.  They are unpredictable and get overwhelmed easily. These partners are known for smothering their partner at one minute and then disappearing for a day or two without any explanation.

How can you apply these attachment models to your new relationships? 

You might think that you’ve got enough to be worrying about when you start a new relationship. Navigating the pitfalls of dating can be tricky enough but looking at someone else’s attachment style can help you form a better relationship with them. At the very least, you’ll start to understand more about why people respond as they do to your attention. Maybe you’ll even learn something about yourself and help someone else to understand it. You should be able to work out other people’s attachment style using the descriptions and you can use it be more understanding about their needs by showing empathy and making sure your conversations allow any potential issues to be discussed. 

How do I work out if I’m any good at relationships?

Check out the summary below, select your profile and then check which traits in the secure attachment that you lack. Try to incorporate specific behaviours from this category into your everyday life, make sure your partner knows what specific trait you are working on so that they can support you.

 Secure attachment profile:

• Self-sufficient
• Comfortable with intimacy
• Wants an interdependent relationship
• “I’m okay you’re okay” are the basis of most thoughts
• Find it easy to form new relationships
• Less doubt about equality in a relationship

You are not doomed to your attachment style. Awareness is the first (and most important) step. What are your patterns? Do you tend to pull away or smother? Being honest with yourself and your partner is crucial. Second, it’s important to treat your relationship as a foundation and develop it as a secure base. Researchers say people who change their attachment style are forming an “earned secure attachment.” To do this you’ll need to look at your past dating patterns which was written one of our Dating Experts Ariadna Peretz.

 What is the background to attachment styles & healthy relationships 

To give you a bit of background, the model of attachment was analysed by Dr Phillip Shaver and Dr Cindy Hazan in 1987 and they identified three styles of attachment that apply to the whole population. If you’re interested in the background and want to delve deeper, you can have a read of the journal article here, but these are the basics that you need to know:

Watch this video clip by The School of Life to find out why relationships between fearful avoidant and anxious preoccupied partners have fiery relationships https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9EgUvfgojY

Do you ever get the feeling men are incapable of saying three little words? It’s only eight letters in a very specific order but they can’t seem to sputter them out without some cajoling, a whole lot of prompting and even some wounded staring. Here’s the question I hear more often than you might think – does it mean he doesn’t love you if he isn’t saying it spontaneously?

The short answer is “no“. Hold on though! I promise this isn’t as bad as it sounds. There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation; one that might even sound more romantic than those three little words.

At the beginning of a relationship, especially one that could lead to something long-term, men are more inclined to be vocal about their feelings. During the early stage of your relationship, you should focus on improving your communication with each other so that you gain the confidence to express your feelings in different situations. Most men will recognise that they need to be upfront and honest about what they’re feeling or the relationship may simply fizzle out. So, this is the stage where they’ll be truthful about their emotions and some might even say those three words. They’ll likely say them as often as it takes for both parties to become secure in the relationship and enter what’s known as the long-term attachment phase. But after that? They won’t say them nearly as often, if at all.  

This doesn’t mean, however, that he doesn’t really love you or doesn’t enjoy the time you’re spending with each other. You’ll be able to tell from the way he acts around you and the things you do together.

For instance, you might not completely appreciate the jokes his friends find funny, but the very fact that you are spending time with the people he is closest to is a sign that he’s serious about your relationship. Equally, if he’s often physically close to you in a non-sexual way such as cuddling while you watch a film or holding hands in the street, it’s a good bet that he’s significantly attached.

There’s a famous piece set of “rules” put forward by Dr Chapman called the 5 Love Languages. These are the ways partners express their feelings – and they’re not all verbal:

• Words of affirmation
• Acts of service
• Gifts
• Quality time
• Physical touch

It’s super important to have a conversation about what sort of affection you are comfortable with. Holding hands might be your cup of tea but it may seem childish to your other half. Just remember there will always be some sort of compromise that you are both happy with. If in doubt about your partner’s feelings, spend some time considering how he’s acted towards you in the past few weeks. Has he complimented you lots but neglected to mention those three words you listen out for? Has he cooked for you or made a point of putting his phone away so you can have a proper discussion about something? Non-verbal ways of saying “I love you” can be just as potent – you just need to look out for them. Fear of rejection means that many women feel that they don’t want to reveal their newfound feelings and should, in fact, be bold enough to initiate the entire process without the expectation that it will be reciprocated in the same way. If you don’t get the response you expect, don’t worry about it because you shouldn’t need a specific response to validate your relationship.

When you look at cross-cultural research of romantic relationships, you get these very striking cultural differences. So, we all know that culture, upbringing and past experiences can mould our perceptions and expectations of romantic love in terms of what we would like to hear from our partner. London is loved for being diverse and multicultural but with that comes the opportunity for us to keep learning in a non-predictive way.

So, don’t assume that because he doesn’t say the words, he doesn’t feel it. Men are annoyingly less vocal sometimes and, while it’s something many of them are working on, women might just have to interpret the clues for themselves. The words aren’t everything, but the way he treats you and behaves is.

You know that sinking feeling when you’re pouring your heart out to your partner, only to realize they’re scrolling through their phone? Or when you’re trying to share something important, and they interrupt with a completely unrelated story about their day?

You are not alone. Like many others, chances are you’ve felt invisible in your  relationship from time to time. Your words may feel like they’re bouncing off a brick wall instead of reaching the person you love most.

Communication breakdowns happen in even the strongest relationships, and feeling unheard is one of the most painful experiences partners face. The good news? There are research-backed strategies that can transform how you and your partner connect.

Signs Your Partner Isn’t Really Listening

Before we dive into solutions, let’s identify what poor listening actually looks like. Sometimes we sense something’s off but can’t quite put our finger on it. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward addressing them.

Physical Signs of Tuning Out

Is your partner present and available for interaction? Watch your partner’s body language during conversations. Are they making eye contact, or are their eyes darting around the room? Do you feel completely invisible when you’re trying to talk to your partner?  Watch for signs that your partner is physically turning away from you. This might look like continuing to watch TV, typing on a laptop, or scrolling through their phone.

Or perhaps they are not in a good mindset to interact.  Notice physical signs such as tapping their fingers impatiently or maintaining a closed-off posture with crossed arms. These behaviors signal that their attention is elsewhere, even if they’re nodding along.  

All communication in a relationship is affected by the mindset and the context.  So instead of becoming frustrated, consider accepting your partner’s lack of availability or interest.

Verbal Clues That Reveal Inattention

Once you are interacting with your partner, it helps to listen to how your partner responds during conversations. Frequent interruptions are a dead giveaway—they’re so focused on what they want to say next that they’re not processing your words. Maybe they give minimal responses like “uh-huh,” “sure,” or “okay” without asking follow-up questions or showing genuine interest in what you’re sharing.

Another red flag is abruptly changing the subject. You might be sharing something vulnerable about your day, and suddenly they’re talking about weekend plans or something they saw on social media. This pattern shows they’re not engaged or present in the conversation.

Emotional Disconnection

Perhaps the most painful signs are emotional cues that show your partner’s lack of interest or engagement in the conversation. When you share something important and your partner responds with defensiveness or dismissiveness, it creates a wall between you. They might roll their eyes, sigh heavily, or respond with phrases like “Here we go again” or “You’re being too sensitive.”

Lack of emotional presence may not be mean spirited. Your partner’s emotional unavailability may stem from them feeling overwhelmed or triggered, but it leaves you feeling invalidated and unimportant.

The Difference Between Hearing and Listening

Here’s something crucial to understand: hearing and listening are completely different. Hearing is passive. It’s the physical process of sound waves hitting your eardrums. Your partner might hear every word you say but if they are not listening, your communication will not be successful.

Listening, on the other hand, is active and intentional. It requires focus, empathy, and genuine engagement with your words, as well as the emotions behind them. When someone truly listens, they’re trying to understand your perspective, not just waiting for their turn to speak.

Why Partners Stop Listening

Understanding why your partner may not be able or willing to listen can help you approach the problem with more compassion and effectiveness. Most of the time, it’s not because they don’t care about you. There are usually deeper issues at play.

Overwhelm and Daily Stress

Life has a way of depleting our emotional resources. Your partner might come home mentally exhausted from work, worried about finances, or stressed about family obligations. When we’re overwhelmed, our capacity to be fully present shrinks dramatically.

One partner may desperately need connection and conversation after a long day, while the other needs quiet time to decompress. Neither approach is wrong, but without understanding each other’s needs, it creates frustration on both sides.

The Gottman Concept of “Flooding”

Dr. John Gottman’s research identified a phenomenon called “flooding”: when someone becomes so overwhelmed during conflict that they literally can’t process information effectively. Their heart rate spikes, stress hormones flood their system, and their ability to listen shuts down as a protective mechanism.

When someone is flooded, they might appear checked out, defensive, or even hostile. They’re not choosing to ignore you; their nervous system has essentially hijacked their ability to engage. This is why timing and approach matter so much in difficult conversations.

Shutting Down or Tuning Out

Sometimes poor listening develops as a response to negative communication patterns. If previous conversations have involved criticism, blame, or conflict, your partner might have learned to tune out as a form of self-protection.

Think about it: if every time you bring up certain topics, it leads to an argument, your partner’s brain starts associating your attempts at communication with stress and conflict. They begin shutting down before the conversation even starts, creating a frustrating cycle where you feel unheard and they feel attacked.

Different Communication Styles

We all have unique ways of processing and expressing information. Some people are direct and want to get straight to the point, while others need more context and emotional processing time. Some prefer to think before speaking, while others think out loud.

When partners have mismatched communication styles, it can feel like you’re speaking different languages. The indirect communicator might feel rushed and unheard, while the direct communicator feels frustrated by what seems like unnecessary detail.

Unresolved Conflicts Create Barriers

Lingering resentments and unresolved issues create invisible barriers to effective listening. When trust has been damaged or when there are ongoing frustrations, it becomes much harder to approach conversations with openness and curiosity.

Your partner might have stopped listening because they don’t feel safe being vulnerable, or because they’re still hurt from previous interactions. These emotional wounds need healing before genuine listening can resume.

The Gottman Method for Better Listening

Now let’s get into the practical strategies that can transform your communication. The Gottman Method offers time-tested techniques that have helped millions of couples reconnect and feel heard in their relationships.

The Speaker-Listener Technique

This structured approach might feel formal at first, but it’s incredibly effective for breaking negative communication patterns. Here’s how it works:

 Choose one person to be the speaker and one to be the listener first. Don’t worry, you’ll switch roles halfway through. As the listener, be sure not to interrupt the speaker, even if you disagree with what they’re saying!

The Speaker’s Role: When you’re the speaker, focus on sharing your perspective using “I” statements. Instead of saying “You never listen to me,” try “I feel disconnected when we don’t have focused time to talk.” Share your thoughts and feelings without attacking or blaming your partner.

The Listener’s Role: As the listener, your only job is to understand and reflect back what you heard. You might say, “What I heard you say is that you feel disconnected when we don’t have focused conversation time. Is that right?”

Don’t defend, don’t problem-solve, don’t share your own perspective yet. Just focus on understanding and validating your partner’s experience.

Why This Works: This technique slows down communication and creates safety. The speaker feels heard because they can share without interruption, and the listener isn’t triggered into defensiveness because they’re not being attacked or blamed.

Emotional Connection Through the ATTUNE Model

The Gottman Method emphasizes the importance of emotional connection through what they call the ATTUNE model:

Awareness – of your partners feeling and experience

Tolerance – that there are two different valid viewpoints for negative emotions

Turning Toward – recognizing your partner’s need and turning toward it

Understanding – attempting to understand your partners’ experience and their perspective

Non-defensive Listening – listening to your partner’s perspective without concentrating on victimizing yourself or reversing the blame

Empathy – responding to your partner with an understanding, awareness, and sensitivity to their experience and needs

Final Thoughts

Feeling unheard in your relationship can be painful and isolating. When your partner doesn’t listen to you, it can lead to feelings of resentment and increased relationship conflict. It might be easy to tell yourself ‘it doesn’t matter’ or self deprecating thoughts like ‘what I have to say isn’t important’ but it does matter and is important, and it can get better. So instead of giving in to feelings of discontent and entering a negative conflict cycle with your partner, use these Gottman tools to improve your communication with your partner. In the process you will improve your relationship and your own health and wellbeing.

Reviewed by: Dr. Vagdevi Meunier, PsyD

Vagdevi Meunier, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist and Founder of The Center for Relationships in Austin, TX.   Vagdevi has over 40 years of experience as a therapist, coach, and educator who taught graduate students and professionals at University of Texas and St. Edward’s University in Austin. She  is a Senior Certified Gottman Therapist and Approved Clinical Trainer.  For the past 20 years, Vagdevi has been facilitating the Art & Science of Love Workshop Gottman retreat for couples in Austin and around the US and has taught all 3 levels of the Gottman professional trainings and coached clinicians from around the world on this method. 

They’re on your side! And they can’t WAIT to tell you what happened!!

Q

Hi! Long time reader, first time writer here. I’m a 28 year old trans guy relatively new in my transition. I have a lovely, supportive group of friends who adore me and have made this transition easier on me. But sometimes… I think they may be inadvertently showing poor allyship when they aren’t intending to. Let me explain. We’re all a part of a larger community with some straight and cis people of all different ages and backgrounds. We’ve been a part of this community since before my transition, so a lot of the people we interact with knew me by a different name and pronouns previously. Now, if any of these people outside of my close friend group deadname me or use the wrong pronouns, my friends happily correct them. Here’s the catch – they then tell me about it. To me, this is not information I need to have. I’m aware that people will misgender me and I’ve accepted that, but I deal with it enough in front of my own face that I don’t need to also know when it’s happening behind my back. I get their intentions behind letting me know, whether it’s to affirm their allyship or keep me in the know, but I just don’t think I need to hear it. What’s the best way to go about letting them know they can keep it to themselves while also showing my appreciation for their allyship? I don’t want it to feel like I’m punishing them.

A

Valerie Anne: I think this solution is the most straightforward but also probably the most nerve-wracking: tell them plainly. I think the best way to do this and avoid feeling like you’re “punishing” them is to make the reason more about you than them. I think it can be as simple as, “Hey thank you for correcting people when they misgender me, I really appreciate it, but I actually would prefer it if you didn’t tell me about every time it happened.” You can even say what you said here, that you encounter it enough face-to-face and would rather not know about the times it happens behind your back. If they’re a true friend and ally (which it sounds like they are!!) they will understand and adapt. Even though it would be nice if they understood how this feels performative and that the reason they’re telling you is for the pat on the back and it doesn’t actually serve you at all, people can get defensive so I understand your desire to keep it more about you and your feelings than risking making them feel attacked, even though it would be perfectly reasonable if you did want to explain that. And depending on how the conversation goes, and how willing you think they would be to hear that, maybe it could go there! But I do think just asking plainly is your best bet here either way.

Summer: If your friends are good and trustworthy, this is the kind of thing you can just mention the next time they tell you a story about someone misgendering you. Something simple and polite like, “Thanks a lot for doing that for me. I don’t know if I need to hear every single instance because it can be a little stressful in the middle of the transition stuff to hear about others misgendering me. But I appreciate what you’re doing a lot.”

Compliment sandwich it. Put the bad news in between two slices of good news. If they’re on your team, they’ll understand. If they can’t handle a simple interaction like that without an emotional incident, then you’ve got another problem on your ass. Good friends take feedback and are willing to do the small things that make each other feel good.

Nico: I don’t know if they’re telling you in person or over text, but either way, I would just write a stock little script for yourself now so that you can use it later. Create the compliment sandwich, be frank about how you don’t want to hear about being misgendered but appreciate their correcting folks, and then just have that on-hand, and immediately whip it out when a friend does this again. Dealing with it as it comes up is probably preferable to preempting it, which is a little more discomfort for you, but if you feel the need to say this now or ahead of time, that is also a valid choice – it just may result in you feeling like you need to do a little more emotional labor than probably feels fair if your friends get upset.

In which we validate the hell out of your super rational fear of traveling internationally in These Trying Times.

Q

My family has been planning this cruise trip for about a year, but I’m trans and I have started feeling really worried about going. I have a thick skin, I’m not worried about getting misgendered, I can handle that. But I got my new passport last week and yes it does say my gender assigned at birth (male) now. I feel really scared about getting on and off a boat in multiple different countries. Sometimes I feel scared I’ll end up somehow not allowed back into this country, even though I know that is irrational. But I’ve been looking forward to this trip for so long. I love my family. I don’t want to miss the trip. But it feels insane to ask my family to cancel or reschedule it to be a different trip.  Or to go on the trip but not get off the boat when we stop in other countries, which is always an option. I haven’t talked to my parents yet, but I talked to one of my sisters and she said I shouldn’t worry because she and the rest of my family has my back and will protect me and stick up for me. Am I being a baby to still be worried?

A

Summer: You’re not a baby for being worried about personal security in multiple different countries. Cruise ship stops aren’t always the most trans-friendly places and having valid paperwork is fundamentally valuable to travel as a trans person.

That said, you must voice your concerns to your family. If this is a jointly planned cruise between family members with even decent relations, they should be willing to hear you out. This isn’t a minor logistical hiccup or a matter of itinerary. You’re concerned about personal security in a sociopolitical era that is profoundly hostile to us trans peeps. This administration’s track record of handling citizens overseas, much less trans citizens has been disastrous. You cannot presume that the US embassy or something will have your back if there’s a problem. Your family may have your back morally, but if things get physical or start involving state actors, you will be stranded. This is a critical issue that bears serious discussion. The fact that your sister thinks that ‘sticking up’ for you will be adequate protection against foreign law enforcement is evidence of how little you’re being understood.

Nico: I’m with Summer here. If you’re dealing with a government and things go awry, “sticking up for you” or “having your back” is not going to cut it. You’re not being a baby, but your trip is also not necessarily out the window. I recommend that you:

• Get an itinerary of all the countries the cruise will be stopping at together,
• Research the policies each of these countries has regarding trans people visiting, people with US passports visiting, and also looking for recent personal experiences from other trans people who’ve traveled to these countries,
• Talk to your family and have a serious discussion where you outline your concerns in which you can bring specific concerns about specific countries up, and that you
• Call the cruise line and speaking to a representative about their policies regarding trans passengers and international borders, the kinds of support they can offer at port stops (if any), and what you can expect from the crew while on board and traveling with them.

You might find out that things should be fine, or you might find out that there are certain ports where you will want to stay on the boat, or that you don’t feel comfortable going. Overall, I do think your family should be taking your concerns more seriously, and I hope that they’ll hear you out.

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Staying connected when life gets full is really hard. I want to be my husband’s best friend, but that is really hard to do when we work, our kids play sports, and we have a big family that requires a lot of time and attention. A lot of days, we barely make it to the end of the day sane, and we are so tired we have no space left to love each other well.

Yet, if we don’t make time to talk and support each other, we find that we quite quickly go from ships passing in the night to ships at war with each other. The narrative goes from “they are too busy to talk to me” to “they don’t love or value me. They don’t see me. I don’t even know them. Why am I married when the person I love doesn’t even know me?”

Marriage takes work and intentionality to be there for each other. We have to make time to share what’s on our minds, pray with each other, and just enjoy each other. If we don’t prioritize each other, the enemy will quickly take advantage of our possibly unintentional disconnection and make it a reason to grow more and more divided as a couple.

‘You need to set better boundaries.’

I’m sure you’ve had someone tell you this before at least once in your life.

If you’re stressed out at work — you need better boundaries. If you’re feeling smothered by a romantic partner — you need better boundaries. If your father-in-law keeps showing up to your house unannounced — you need better boundaries. 

What ‘Boundaries’ Really Means

Often, when people tell you to set boundaries, they mean you should say no. It is assumed that saying no means you’ll have more space to be less stressed, less smothered and have fewer unannounced visits from your father-in-law. But setting good boundaries is more than just saying no. It’s about relationships where you feel respected and connected.

Boundaries are created by two elements — individuality and belonging. A boundary defines the space between who I am (individuality) and who we are (belonging). In relationships with healthy boundaries, being an individual isn’t seen as a threat to the relationship. If you want to have some alone time, hang out with other people, or pursue you own goals, you aren’t made to feel guilty. In relationships with healthy boundaries, you make time to spend time together to do things that maybe you don’t love doing, but your partner does, so you join in. 

Creating Healthy Boundaries

In relationships with healthy boundaries, the amount of individuality and belonging is flexible and changes over time. When a partner or family member is ill, a healthy relationship can adapt by decreasing individuality and increasing the time spent together. When a partner is stressed about a job, a healthy relationship can provide more space for that person to get work done. The key is that when the sick person gets better, or when there is less work, these relationships will then change again.

If you want healthy boundaries in relationships, you need to learn to say no, but you also need to say yes. When boundaries become blurred and unhealthy, it is not because a person is bad at saying no. It’s because the relationship doesn’t respect the nos and the yeses. In relationships with healthy boundaries, two people can listen to what each other need, understand the context and be clear about whether the situation is a no or a yes.

The Importance of Communication

If you have a father-in-law that keeps showing up unannounced, there is probably a reason. Maybe he feels lonely. Maybe he is worried about you. Or maybe he thinks that what he is doing is supportive. To make this relationship better suited to your needs, you should not only communicate what you need but hear what your father-in-law needs. Then you both can decide when coming over is a no and when it’s a yes. 

If you say what you need and are clear about your yeses and nos and that person still doesn’t change their behavior, then different action is needed. When boundaries aren’t respected, the nature of the relationship needs to change.

If work won’t respect your no, it may be time to find a new job. If your partner won’t give you the space you need, it may be time to break up. If you father-in-law keeps showing up unannounced, it may be time to move farther away.

To continue reading the full blog post click here.